Freaking out

I'm freaking out this morning. It's like I can feel the tumor in my breast growing. I don't even want to look at my breast. I don't want to touch it or even feel it. It kind of reminds me about how I've felt about my cesarean scar. Except worse, because I know that there are cancer cells in there multiplying. My cesarean scar was more of a reminder of what had happened to me, what could have been. This is toxic. It could kill me if left unchecked. Ugh. I just want it GONE. I have 17 days to wait until it can be cut out.

Deep breath.

I need to pass the next 17 days without going completely insane. Our family is going to take a few days and go to Catalina. That will fill up 3 days. Maybe a change of scenery will help take my mind off of it? The kids are really excited. I just hope I don't feel like a smiling clown doll...smiling on the outside but feeling dead on the inside. (I don't know if that even makes sense!) That will leave 14 days. That is still 2 weeks to wait.

I need to think about some reasons why waiting so long could be good.

• It is allowing us to get organized in terms of care for the kids and home. My mother in law is going to come from France on the 20th (2 days before surgery), and stay with us for a few weeks. Her job is to take care of the kids and the dog. That will free up my mom to take care of me.
• It will allow me the ability to consult with a plastic surgeon about possible reconstruction down the road. I haven't decided if I want to, but at least I'll be aware of the options. Maybe it will give me encouragement if I freak out on my post-surgical body? I've seen a few pictures of post-mastectomy torsos and it gives me a feeling in my gut and I feel a rush of adrenaline. That's going to be me.
• I can get other things done that I can't do once chemo starts, and that might be uncomfortable while healing from surgery. Like getting my teeth cleaned. The kids and I have an appointment on July 9th. Getting dental work done while on chemo is not recommended due to risk of infection.
• I will be able to celebrate Jean-Marc's birthday lucid and without the pain of surgical recovery.
• I will be able to send Olivier off and see him home from Boy Scout summer camp. He's leaving on the 12th and coming home on the 17th.
• I will be able to do my own Advance Health Care Directive. I've drafted these documents for others and don't even have my own done. Gosh. I should probably do my other estate planning documents as well. It is kind of embarrassing to admit that we don't have these in place yet. It's like the old saying, "The shoemaker's children don't have any shoes."

I want to thank you all who have been praying for me. Words can't describe how it feels to know that there are so many out there interceding on my behalf. My church family at Calvary Chapel Escondido had been awesome, anointing me with oil, laying hands on me, praying, encouraging. I feel loved and cared for.

My prayer requests for today:

• That the cancer does not spread past where we know it is now. That it would even shrink or disappear. God can do that!
• That I would have some peace of mind while I wait for this surgery.
• Strength for my family: Eric; my parents; the kids. It can't be easy for them. They all are being very supportive of me and I know how draining that can be. Pray that God would renew their strength both physically, emotionally and spiritually. Everyone has put their plans on the back burner to put me to the front.
• That if it is God's will, that the surgery date be advanced. There is a bit of a timing issue because if it is past the 15th, I need to see the surgeon again for a pre-op visit. I've got that appointment scheduled for the 12th. I guess there is a law that says surgery has to be within 30 days of your visit. I also need to be able to have some additional lab work and chest X-rays done, which needs to be within a week of surgery. The lab work could be done on a walk-in basis though.

May God bless you richly today!