Hair update

It has been over 3 months since my last round of chemotherapy.

My hair is growing back. It still is too short to wear on its own. But it definitely is there.  It looks like a dark/grey fuzzy cap on my head. I can't tell if it is going to curl or not. Many cancer survivors experience their hair coming back with a different texture than it was before.  A "chemo curl" is what they call it. My hair before was straight and fine. When I was younger, it was pretty thick.  Starting after I gave birth to Isabelle, my hair started to thin out. At that time, it was breaking. After Jean-Marc, it started coming out from the root.  The amount of hair loss was freaky. I should have known something was up. I chalked it up to post-pregnancy hormones. As it turned out, it WAS hormones, and not good ones. Estrogen is not my friend. It makes my cancer grow.

Jennifer Griffin

Anyway, I do look forward to the time when I can just wear it as it is and not feel weird about it. Just spike it all up like Jennifer Griffen or Carly Fiorina during the California senatorial primary season. Actually, this photo of Jennifer isn't too far off of what mine looks like right now. It is a bit longer than mine.   I find myself constantly rubbing my head, a lot like I did during the falling out process. Its not something I think about, I just find myself doing it a lot.

There is definitely a lot of gray in there. I'm not sure if I'm going to do anything about that down the line. Before cancer, I colored my hair.  Now that I'm trying to detoxify my environment, I don't know how to cover the gray that doesn't expose me to chemicals and junk I'm trying to avoid.  We'll see how it looks longer. My midwife had gray hair and it did not make her look old at all. Maybe it will be similar for me?

I'm not wearing head scarves as much anymore. I'm finding hats are a good middle ground. I have a shadow of hair along my temple and in the back. When I was bald, it was strange to wear a hat because there was no hairline.  I still wear my wig a few times a week. I surprised a few fourth graders last week when I chaperoned their field trip with a full head of hair!  Their initial reactions reminded me of my five year old nephew's observation a couple weeks before.  I had worn a headscarf on Saturday and my wig on Sunday. On Sunday, he asked me incredulously, "How did your hair grow so fast?"

As for hair in other places, it is also coming back. I didn't actually lose all of my body hair. It thinned out on my arms and my eyebrows, but I didn't completely lose it.  It makes me wonder if I hadn't taken an electric razor to my head, if I would have completely lost it.  I had enough left on my eyebrows to give me some guidance on filling them in with brow liner.  I had purchased some templates before chemo, and never ended up using them.  I still fill them in, but need to give them a good wax underneath.  My eyelashes actually got thinner after chemo ended. I tried putting on some mascara and it is just ridiculous. Especially on the bottom-there are just a few millimeters of lash there. As for my legs, now THAT was a silver lining to the whole cancer thing. To have smooth legs for several months and not having to shave was great! I'm fortunate in that the hair on my legs is blond and fine, so even hairy, they don't look that bad. But that is coming back now too. I even got out the old razor and gave them a swipe a week or so ago.

You know, it wasn't so bad shaving my legs after all this time!

Head games

My head is driving me nuts. In more ways than one.

Let's start on the outside. The hair has stopped falling out. The hairs that are left have decided to stay for awhile and flourish. I've also got itchy bumps all over my scalp. I don't know if it is a side effect from the chemo, or if it is related to the hair falling out, or if I just have a pimply head. Gross. In any event, it itches and is irritating. Kaiser gave me a resource booklet with a recipe for "itchy scalp" paste, which is basically just a baking soda paste. You mix baking soda and water until its the consistency of a brownie mix, put it on your head, and let it be anywhere from 5 to 120 minutes. It feels really good while its on. The hairs that are left have decided to grow like crazy, too. It's really weird. I took a pair of clippers to them yesterday just to tame them a bit. (Don't worry Sheila, I didn't press hard to mess up the follicle. I just lightly trimmed them without even touching the scalp much!)

It's ridiculous. I wish they would just fall out and be gone.

On the inside, I'm finding myself very impatient and annoyed. When I look at the calendar, that's not a huge surprise. I was supposed to start my period 5 days ago. I've been pretty irregular since my diagnosis, probably due to stress. Now throw chemo in the mix, and my hormones are totally out of whack. Chemo is very likely to put me into menopause, so I don't even know if I will have another period. But I've definitely noticed hormonal mood swings. I never was one to have many of them, but I've got 'em now!

Poor Jean-Marc. He just had to turn two while I'm going through all of this. He's doing what every two year old does...challenges his primary caregiver. He doesn't like the word "NO" and has perfected the art of Chinese water torture: drip; drip; drip. If he wants something, he will incessantly bug me over and over and over until I relent. But I can't do that, otherwise, he learns that is the way to get stuff. It is over the top--this morning, he wanted ice cream at breakfast! He asked me "i-seem? i-seem?" When Eric walked in, he said "Glass..glass?" ("Glace" is ice cream in French) You can imagine what that does for my frame of mind. Can you say...insanity??? I love him to pieces, but right now he is kind of difficult for me to be around. Mom took him for a grandma day today, which blessed both Jean-Marc and me.

It has been an insanely busy week as well. It's part of that time of the year, I suppose, with back to school stuff. Not to mention the kids activities. We've had stuff going on every night this week, which has really messed up family dinners. Most nights, everyone has been on their own to scrounge leftovers. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend. Except for Sunday afternoon, when Olivier has to go sell boy scout popcorn in front of Albertsons! At least that is something Eric is going to take him on.

One of the fruits of the spirit is long suffering. God is definitely developing that in me right now!

I'm feeling okay physically. I've had some feelings of dizziness. Yesterday it was when I would be squatting down and then getting up. Jean-Marc and I went to a fun mommy and me class and I had a few times when I had to take a few deep breaths. It would have been something for the lady with the scarf on her head to hit the floor! I went to the gym today, mindful of the dizziness. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical and about 30 minutes on the recumbent bike. Before I stretched out, I tried doing some push ups. Before my surgery, I was able to do nearly 100 push ups during the course of a Jillian workout. Today, it was hard to do 2 sets of 10. But I did them!

My prayer requests:

• That the remaining hair fall out and that these sores go away. I've come to terms with being bald. Now I just want to get there. (Gee...sounds impatient, doesn't it?)
• That I be able to be more patient with myself and everyone around me. That my hormones find some kind of balance so I don't flip out on stupid minor stuff. For example, I got all mad at Eric yesterday because he didn't want raw cabbage in his salad at lunch! What was that all about??
• That the chemotherapy do what it is supposed to do and kill any nasty cancer cells that are trying to replicate.
• That Jean-Marc's runny nose stop. I don't know if its allergies or a cold. I'm not catching it, and my white blood cell count is supposed to be low right now. So it may be allergies. Regardless, he's got a runny nose and its gross, not to mention it bugs him too and makes him uncomfortable.
• That everyone in my family stay healthy so I can recover from the last round of chemo and move forward.

Glimpses in the mirror

I'm pretty comfortable going out now with a scarf on my head, even though it screams CANCER PATIENT! Whatever. This is what I'm dealing with, get over it people. I figure the best I can do is be in good spirits and have a smile on my face. I truly am thankful at how God is sustaining me through this trial.

I made my debut at church yesterday with the cancer look. Everyone was very nice. Everyone who knows me already knew about the cancer, this just brought it home. I am so blessed by my family in Christ. It truly is an amazing thing to be a part of His church. Being lifted up in prayer by so many people all of the time. It is precious.

Yesterday afternoon I went out to do some grocery shopping, came home and spent hours in the kitchen working on a veggie lasagna from my anti-cancer cookbook. It was a long haul because you had to make a "ricotta" cheese out of tofu and herbs, as well as cooking 2 big bunches of greens. I used rainbow chard. It also involved caramelizing 4 red onions and cooking the wheat pasta. Eric and I liked it. Olivier kind of spit it out saying it tasted more like a salad than lasagna! Good thing I was able to freeze single portions for the grownups later on!

I'm still losing my hair in dribs and drabs. Last night when I was bathing Jean-Marc, I sat on the side of the tub and would dip my hand in the water and rub it over my head to pull out hairs. I got a lot out that way. It's less painful than the lint roller method. After doing it just a few minutes, there was this fuzzy mass at the bottom of the tub. Kind of gross.

I'll be going along doing my business in the house, feeling normal. Then I'll pass by a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself. Yowza! As the hair gets thinner and thinner it is shocking. I'm just a few days away from complete baldness. I appreciate everyone's comments about how good I look. But still....it is a shock to see a bald stranger staring back at you. Who is that person, and who let her into my house??

Isabelle and I did some pilates yesterday. I figure it will help her with her riding by strengthening her core. Heck, I could use all the exercise I can get. I'm a little sore today! (I like that feeling.) I think I'll walk with my girlfriends after we drop the kids off at school for my exercise today. I don't have much more energy for anything more intense, I'm afraid. A bit tired. That could be because I was so busy yesterday. I'm thankful that a friend is brining dinner tonight.

My prayer requests:

• That I learn to get comfortable with that person in the mirror.
• That my energy and strength continues to be renewed by the Lord.
• That as this round of chemo works through my system and my white blood cell count go down, that I don't get sick.

This one is me

The photo from yesterday's post caused some confusion. It was NOT me-it was from the beau beau website. Here is a picture of me in one of my beau beaus.

I also promised a better "buzz" picture, so here is one with the older kids and I. I wear it like this around the house. After awhile of wearing something on my super short hair, it gets uncomfortable and itchy. I still may itch with it bald, but at least I won't have that discomfort that goes along with the hair loss.

This morning, I had business at Kaiser. I was so efficient, almost a professional cancer patient. And hey! Today, I looked the part. I did notice I was much less self conscious than yesterday. I had the routine blood draw at 9:20 a.m. After that, I picked up my refill for the super-antibiotic Cipro that I'll take this round. Then I met with Dr. P at 10:00 a.m. Kaiser is great about getting labs processed quickly. My results were already in for the doctor to review. He looked at them and pronounced that everything was "normal." I asked him, "normal like anyone, or normal for someone who has had a round of chemo?" Normal like any healthy person, regardless of chemo. Yeah! I'm ready to take on Round #2!

I asked him about flu shots. They have the mist shots for the kids available now. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for them or me. He said the kids could get it anytime. If I want one (and he thought it was a good idea), I would need to wait until week #3 in this next round and get the injected version, which has dead virus instead of live. I'll try to get us all over there sometime soon to do that to lessen the chances of the house getting sick with the flu.

I've been using a lint roller to help get rid of the excess hair on my head. This is what it looks like after I do it for a few seconds. Better stuck on the tape than shedding all over the house, my pillow, in my hats, etc.

I did sleep well last night, although I did take one of the medicines that they gave me. I'm going to again tonight since today I started taking the steroid, which has a tendency to make you more awake. I want at good night of sleep tonight!

I've been incorporating recipes from my "Cancer Fighting Kitchen" book this week. I made a huge stockpot of "Magical Mineral Broth," which is a supercharged vegetable broth. I can use it to cook grains, as a base for other soups, or just sip that if I get queasy. I'm planning on making a potato broccoli soup for tomorrow night (or "chemo" night).

My prayer requests:

• That we all get a good night of rest tonight. I want my body to be in prime condition to take on these hard core drugs tomorrow. I did my Jillian DVD and am pumped right now!
• That I tolerate this round of chemo well, with minimal side effects. That the drugs do their job, get in like Delta Force, invade and disrupt the action of the enemy cancer cells. Bang, bang! You're dead, cancer!

How it goes

This is just the hair that I lost in the shower this morning. I put a quarter next to it for a size reference. I don't dare touch it or style it much because it will just fall out.

I wore a hat when I went out to do some grocery shopping and when I took it off, there was a ton of hair left in the hat.

The physical sensation is strange. It reminds me of the feel that I would have after wearing a tight ponytail for a day. Or even more accurate is this: When I was a kid, I took dance classes and once a year, we had "THE SHOW." The final act was always ballet, and we had to wear our hair in these super-tight buns. I was usually too tired to take it out at night, so when I finally did the next morning it really hurt. That is how it feels on my head.

I do want to get the buzz cut soon. I was thinking maybe I could wait until after Tuesday night, because I have to take Olivier to his boy scout meeting. But then I realized-Isabelle has girl scouts the next day, and I don't really want to be buzzed for that either. I guess its never going to be a convenient time to lose my hair! I think it's better to be buzzed than to be sadly thin with scalp showing through.

Despite the tone of these recent posts, I am doing more than obsessing over my hair--honestly! I got two new cookbooks that are fantastic: "The Cancer Fighting Kitchen" and "One Bite at a Time." Both are by Rebecca Katz. It is fascinating learning about the "culinary pharmacy" that we have available to us. I've chosen some recipies to make this week in preparation for Round Two. I'm going to make a "Magical Mineral Broth" that serves as a soup stock, as well as a base for other recipes. If I get really sick, I could even sip this on its own. I went out to my favorite grocery store, Jimbos, and bought all the ingredients I needed. There were a few new items as well-like kombu, which is a Japanese sea vegetable. Anyway, I got it all home and chopped it all up. I figured I could make it today and store it for later. I realized about halfway into it that I do not have a large enough pot! I think I'll go out tomorrow morning and get a big stock pot for soups. I think planning and cooking really good and healthy food is going to be an anchor for me this fall.

I want the rest of the family to develop healthier tastes as well. My kids do eat vegetables, probably more than most. But not enough of them. I was tickled pink today at lunch. Isabelle asked me to make some pasta, knowing it would be whole wheat. I said okay, but only if I could make her a small salad to go with it. Deal! I made them each a salad with greens, tomatoes, carrots, and strawberries. Eating the rainbow! It was great.

Isabelle and I watched a movie with Miley Cyrus in it, "The Last Song." From the ads, it looked like a teenage romance movie. It was. But there was also a storyline in it about Miley's character's father ....DYING OF CANCER! Yikes. I was able to explain to Isabelle that his cancer was not like mine, and his had spread. Mine has not spread. It was an okay movie. Obviously a tearjerker, though.

My prayer requests:

• That the hair loss/buzz cut not be traumatic. It is a sign that the chemo drugs are doing what they are supposed to do. I need to keep that in mind and I clean up the hair all over the place. That I be able to find a "convenient" time to get it done and that it not be a sad experience.
• That the family be healthy. I realized last night that this is another form of spiritual warfare. Last night, everyone in the family had a physical complaint! Isabelle was so tired she threw up her dinner. Jean-Marc has hives that we are trying to diagnose the irritant. Olivier had a bad sunburn from his day out with scouts. Eric was fighting the cold Olivier had last week, and I have cancer. Is that ridiculous or what? Pray that we can overcome these physical complaints and keep our eyes on the Great Physician, our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Out of the mouths of babes

I've tried to be open with the kids about my breast cancer. Eric and I told them less than 24 hours after we found out the diagnosis. I've wanted them to talk about how they are feeling, their fears, their questions. Anything is fair game. But they haven't really said a whole lot. Sure, when we told them on June 12, there were tears. But they swallowed them pretty quickly.

Tonight during dinner, I opened the subject of my inevitable hair loss. I wanted to prepare them mentally as best I could. (Ironic, since I find myself so unprepared, despite knowing that this day was coming.)

I asked them what they were thinking. Would they freak out at me being hairless? I want them to take it seriously, but not too much so. I don't think I want any bald jokes...unless I initiate it. Kind of like the "flat" jokes about my chest. It's okay if I say it. But not so much so for others.

Anyway, I had to crack up at the two responses I got from them. This was spontaneous, right at the beginning:

Isabelle: "You are going to be all face."

Olivier: "Now we will find out if you really have eyes on the back of your head."

Gotta love it. It made me crack up for the first time over the subject!

Locks of Panic

I feel a little silly. But I'll be honest. I'm kind of freaking out.

For 2 weeks now, I've lamented about waiting for my hair to fall out. Now that it is, I'm feeling a little bit of panic about it all. I'm not ready! All it takes is a little tug, and the hair comes out in my hand. It's also coming out when I brush it. I had hair all over the counter this morning. Thank goodness I got it cut short!

I know its just a few days until I can't take it anymore and will want it buzzed. I'm not quite ready to take that step just yet. I'm not ready! I don't have a wig. I have a few scarves and hats...but I'm not ready to HAVE to use them just yet. Or am I?

Maybe it won't even be a few days. Gulp. Maybe I just need to step off that cliff. After all, I would be the one in charge of when and how it comes off. That could be empowering. It does make my heart jump every time I pull out hair. But I'll look like GI Jane. I think of all the mornings, especially as a mother of young children, when I would go out without even thinking about how my hair looked. When it was longer, I spent an entire summer with it up in a clip. Or throw on a headband. I had kids, or I was on my way to the gym. Whatever. I looked ridiculous and it didn't matter. Why am I so bothered by how it looks now?

Perhaps because it is going to signal to the world something that I do not feel inside. Will I get those pitying looks from total strangers now instead of just those who "know" what is going on? I don't want those looks from anyone! I feel strong. I feel healthy, despite the fact of cancer. I'm in the best physical shape of my life...I AM NOT SICK! But the bald head will tell the world something else. It will make it "real." Funny how being flat chested with scars a foot long aren't as traumatic.

On the other hand, I won't have to go through the internal mental questioning when I talk to someone new. Do they know? Or do they not know? It will be pretty obvious now.

Anyway, that is where I am now. I need to just process this all for a day or so. Prayers are appreciated!

Drip, drop...its starting

I mentioned some tenderness on the top of my head yesterday. Last night (exactly 2 weeks post round one) while I was watching Jean-Marc eat his dinner, I ran my fingers through the top of my head where it was and gave a slight tug and several strands came out. More than would typically. I'm pretty sure that is the beginning of the hair loss. Drip.

With my new short haircut, when I wake up in the morning it is going in all directions. I usually have to spray some water on it and brush it just to get it not to look ridiculous. I did that this morning and my head was tingly for several minutes. Drop. I've read that is another tell tale sign.

So the long awaited "milestone" is happening, albeit slowly. Strange. I can help it along by tugging it out if I want. Or I can keep the touching and tugging to a minimum and see where it comes out.

It's a mixed bag of emotions. In a way, I am relieved that it is starting. I did relatively well on the chemo round. It was almost like it didn't happen. So a little part of me was a bit anxious that I didn't get enough of the drugs, or that they weren't doing their job. This shows me that it is affecting my body. On the other hand, this will signal to the world that I have a serious medical condition. I'm going to look "sick." Really sick. But on the inside right now, I don't feel like I do. Its such a contradiction. I realize that I probably will feel worse as I progress through chemo. But I am claiming each day of feeling good by working out and doing what I can do. Who knows how the next round(s) will go? It also is going to add another layer of complexity to what I wear. To have to coordinate hats and scarves with what I'm wearing is going to be hard. I'm not good at accessorizing. Sticking in a pair of earrings is one thing, but having to consider color and print of hats and clothes. Yikes! And I don't have a wig yet.

God has really been gracious to me in all of this. He most definitely has upheld me with his strong Hand. Any comments that people make about how well I am doing...well, its not me. I'm only in the state I am because of God's grace and mercy upon me. All of the glory goes to Him, not me. If it were up to me, I'd be a quivering heap of anxiety, pity and fear. I have my moments, but that is only when I take my eyes off of the Lord. God truly is good, all of the time. He loves me, and He is sovereign.

Now the question is when do I shave it off? Or do I let it fall out little by little? At some point, its going to be necessary. At this point, it is really slow-it'll take awhile for it to look thin. I'll let this go for a few days and see how much of a pain its going to be. Maybe then I'll be ready to "take charge" and shave it.

The family is busy today. Eric has his monthly target shooting competition this morning. Olivier will be gone all day today on a Scout trip to Soak City. Isabelle had a birthday slumber party to go to last night. I get to be the mom's taxi this morning. Take Olivier to the drop-off point for Scouts, then swing back to get Isabelle from her party and take her to her riding lesson. If Jean-Marc weren't going through a separation anxiety phase, and if I weren't paranoid about him picking up germs, I'd leave him at the gym's "Kid's Club" and go to my first Zumba class in about 8 weeks. Alas, I don't think that is in the cards for me. I'll have to wait until the afternoon when he is napping and just go sweat on the stairclimber and other cardio equipment.

On the health front, neither Eric or Olivier complained about his symptoms this morning. Good sign! Perhaps they have fought off the illness?

My prayer requests today:

• That I be able to cope with the hair loss.
• That the chemo drugs that are in my body are doing their job and destroying any cancer cells that escaped through my lymph nodes. Better yet, that I not have any cancer cells in me--that the surgery got them all and that the chemo is just overkill.
• That the family be healthy and not get sick, even a cold could derail my chemo schedule. I would like to have the schedule stay as it is and be done in early December.
• That the timing of my brother coming home from Iraq will work out for everyone. Yay! He's coming home, probably before the end of October. Mom and dad will want to go and greet him in Georgia. There are a lot of things going on in that month, though. Mom is already kind of worried about it. We have our Making Strides for Cancer walk, my chemo round on the 22nd, as well as few other things that make the timing a bit complicated. I know God will work the timing out, but extra prayer never hurts!

Another one down?

Now Eric is feeling like he's getting sick. Great. Don't these guys understand that I can't fight illness like I usually do? Olivier is functioning, but has a cough and sore throat. Eric is experiencing chills and a slight fever. I'm sending him to take his temperature right now.

I'm going to take the kids to FroYo after I pick Isabelle up from school. It's something we do often of Fridays to celebrate the end of the school week. It has been a busy one for them. Not a lot of homework yet, but just getting back into the routine of getting up and out the door has been tiring for them. We need to work on doing it better next week. Olivier needs to be out the door an hour earlier than last year, and he's not doing very well at it yet. He'll get there.

Nothing to report on the health side. I'm just waiting for the hair loss to start. I do have some tenderness on the top of my head. I wonder if that is a sign? Whatever. Today felt almost like a "normal" day. I went shopping with Jean-Marc (Target & Trader Joe's). I did my Jillian workout after lunch (Banish Fat/Boost Metabolism). Now I'm off to Fridays at FroYo. Cancer, Schmanser!

My main prayer request is for my family's health. No one can get sick!! If they do, pray that I am able to avoid catching it as well.

God bless you all!

Moving on....

Six weeks post-op. I finally feel like I am no longer handicapped by my surgery. It is now behind me. The sunburn sensation is gone. I am numb across my chest and upper arm, but that is probably a permanent thing. A thing that I was expecting. I don't have any pain in my incisions, either. It feels good to mentally close that chapter in my treatment.

What helped me make this mental switch? It probably had a lot to do with my physical therapy appointment this week where I was given the green light on picking up my toddler. It was neat last night to be able to put Jean-Marc into bed on my own last night. He is so cute. I read him "Goodnight Moon" and he says "nigh-night" to everything. That and "husssshhh." My little dude.

Per the physical therapist's instruction, I am massaging my scars while I put the vitamin E oil. Before, I would only touch them gingerly. It was kind of creepy. It still is kind of creepy, but I am able to move the tissue around more and feel like I'm doing something that is helping. Last night, the massage made a lot of the leftover surgical glue and scabs come off. Progress!

Yesterday morning it opted to work out at home with a Jillian DVD, "Burn Fat, Boost Metabolism." Coming out of my physical therapy appointment, I wanted to try a little upper body. This DVD is perfect, since it is mainly a cardio workout, but she does have a core circuit where you are in a plank (pushup) position. I did the whole thing, and just modified a few of the moves. For instance, I would do things on my knees, instead of a full pushup position. If I can do that a few more times, then I'll "graduate" myself to a full plank. It felt great to be "back." We'll see if I am sore in a bad way. Right now, it feels pretty good to have done it.

I am able to do more around the house as well. This morning, I was able to change the sheets on the kids' beds. Even the top bunk, which is a real pain. But I did it. Who knew I would be happy to do housework? I do have a post-op instruction from the surgeon that says I cannot do repetitive arm motions, including vacuuming and window washing, for 6 months. Hmm. I don't think I'm going to push that one! Wouldn't want to be injured, you know. I do expect to have an energy drain as I progress through my chemotherapy. So while I have the energy to do things around the house, I am enjoying it.

Ah chemo. Round two is in 8 days. The day prior, I go in for a visit with Dr. P, my oncologist, and get some lab work done to check my blood counts.

Having the kids in school has been a great time-sucker for me. Just picking up the kids at 2 different schools takes me from about 1:30 p.m. - 3:30 p.m. We are also having our backyard re-done, and that is also helping me change focus a bit. Today, we had concrete poured. As I type this, the guys are on their hands and knees out there, raking it and smoothing it. It's going to be great. Did I mention that after I beat cancer's bootie I am going to have a huge party? Everyone is invited. You'll see the nice backyard then.

I seem to be fighting a cold that Olivier brought home. I've had this sore throat for a few days now. It hasn't progressed to any other symptoms. I asked my son this morning how his cold started, and he confirmed that it was a sore throat. I'm gargling with warm salt water a few times a day. I just pray that it doesn't progress.

Other than that, physically I feel good. The metallic taste has gone from my mouth. My energy is normal. I still have hair. I wonder for how much longer? It is really a strange thing to wait for your hair to fall out. I run my hands through my hair and fully expect to have a clump in my hands. So far, though, it is sticking in my head. Wouldn't it be something if I was one of the ones that didn't experience hair loss? After all this preparation? I need to just stop thinking about it.

My prayer requests for today:

• That this sore throat go away. That it not progress into a full blown cold.
• That my kids stay healthy. Their health is my health. Not that I don't want them healthy anyway. I used to have this mommy immunity that would make it difficult for me to catch the cooties they came down with. Not anymore!
• That I be able to wait without being anxious. In this case, I'm not anxious in a scared kind of way. Just impatient. I need more patience, I guess.

Hair play

Oh the things one does while they are waiting for their hair to fall out. I've been getting creative.

When I went to the "Look Good, Feel Better" session, there was a lady who made custom hair pieces. I've also noticed in the American Cancer Society's catalog, "TLC" that they sell things called "halos" which are little pieces of hair that attach to the sides or bang of a hat or scarf to make it look like the hat or scarf is covering hair. They also are called "hairline accents." This is what they look like.

If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you'll remember I got a free wig from the ACS. I wasn't to thrilled with the style, but the color was not too bad. Lighter than I've been for awhile, but passable. Well, I decided to sacrifice it to try and make some of my own "hairline accents." I've cut several pieces from it to make detachable bangs, as well as hair that can stick out from under the sides and back of hats and scarves. The idea is to sew velcro to the hat or scarf (the soft side) and then velcro to the hair piece. Then if I want or need to have the look of hair peeking out, I can just stick it on. I've sewn the velcro to the hair, but only to one hat. I'm thinking of maybe trying sticky velcro rather than sew on velcro so I don't have to put seams in the hats. We'll see. It's a work in progress.

We are kidless this weekend. All three of them are down at their cousin's house for a "cousin weekend." How amazing is that? We really are blessed by my sister in law and mom for doing this. She's even bringing Isabelle up to San Marcos for her riding lesson in the middle of it. The older two were really excited to spend their last weekend of summer vacation this way. Jean-Marc has no clue, but my mom is going down too so he'll do okay with her. He has gotten very used to having "gamma" around every day. It's a far cry from when he was smaller and he would cry at the sight of her. (And most everybody else!)

Eric and I are taking advantage of our status this weekend to go out. Last night we went for a walk on the beach at Cardiff and had dinner at the Charthouse. I even wore the "fluffies" in my camisole. It felt wierd and lumpy. But having something "on top" helps to define my waistline a bit more. Otherwise, I just look thick. Tonight I think we are going to go see "Eat, Drink, Pray, Love" and have dinner at Canapes in San Marcos. My sister in law and mom will bring the kids up for church on Sunday and I'll get them back then.

It has been 8 days since chemo. I realized late yesterday that I need to just get on my knees and thank God for allowing me to come through this round as well as I have. It was almost like I wanted to get sick for some reason. Then it would feel real. Like I really do have breast cancer. (Maybe I don't anymore. The surgery may have gotten every single bit. But I digress...) I was browsing other blogs yesterday and read a blog of someone whose first round really knocked her for a loop. She was out of it most of the week, and her counts were so low she was in the hospital in a near quarantine status. What the heck am I complaining about?

It helps to read other blogs. In Jennifer Griffin's blog that I mentioned last time, she exercised every day while on chemo. Our cases are a bit different, though. She did chemo before her surgery. The chemo pretty much did away with her huge tumors. I'm almost jealous reading it. On the other hand, it is encouraging to see other women survive Stage 3. I also can be thankful that my cancer is not triple negative. At least there are more treatment options.

I realized today that one way I can combat this waiting agony is to think of ways I can fight this cancer each and every day. I can do that by eating well and exercising. I'm learning more and more about cancer fighting foods. Food is medicine! It can do you a world of good, and it can also make you sick if you eat junk. I'm trying to do to exercise every day, but I am a bit hamstrung (no pun intended) by my surgical recovery. It has been 5 weeks and I don't want to overdo it by bouncing too much. I try to mix it up so I don't get bored. I'm a little wary of the gym and the germs there, but I did make it there twice this week. I also can do some exercise videos at home, or power walks. Anything to keep my metabolism going, get those endorphins flowing, and blood circulating so the chemo drugs can get to every cell in my body. BAM!

The sunburn feeling on my chest is pretty much gone. Now it feels kind of tight on the incisions. You know the feeling when a cut is healing? It's the same thing. I've been massaging Vitamin E oil onto the scars twice a day. The scabs are starting to flake off too. It's kind of gross, but it makes it look not quite so jagged and Frankenstein-like.

So that's where I am. Enjoying a relaxed weekend. Missing the kids a little bit. Looking forward to their starting school next week when we can get into a routine with new challenges and excitement.

Twas the day before chemo

The day has nearly arrived. I spent the morning helping the kids get organized in their rooms. I'm color coding hangers, and putting fancy velvet ones in my own closet. Olivier will be all white, and Isabelle will have all pink hangers. I'm trying to get them excited about the Flylady system. I need for them to be able to pick up after themselves and keep their stuff organized. I'm going to be too tired to do it for them. And really, they are old enough to handle these simple routines and tasks. Moods are lifted and life is better when things are organized, don't you think?

After lunch, I went and had my blood drawn, everything came back right in the 'normal' range. I love how you can see your test results about 30 minutes later on Kaiser's website. As I was walking out of the facility at about 1:15 p.m., an elderly lady with a chemo hat was being helped out from the direction of the chemo suite by a middle aged woman. Maybe her daughter? I could tell they had been there all morning. They had bags and lunch boxes. The sight of someone coming out of chemo kind of stopped me in my tracks. That will be me tomorrow. I am thankful to be young. Chemo is going to be hard, it would be hard to be elderly and frail going into it.

After going to the blood draw, I went to they gym. It was strange, my heart rate was about 10 beats higher than normal, even while resting. On the stair climber, I got to 80-80% of my range on 2 levels lower than usual. The end result was that in 1 hour, I burned 500 calories. This is really wild, because I usually can only burn 400 calories if I am really exerting myself hard. The heart rate monitor is great to help me know exactly where I am. So what would explain the elevated rate? Perhaps I am anxious about tomorrow?

I listened to a great podcast while at the gym. A friend from church pointed me toward this church from the Santa Barbara area called Reality. The pastor's daughter, Daisy, is suffering from a recurrence of cancer. She gave me the link to listen to one of his sermons when he addressed his walk while dealing with his little girl's illness. So I've been subscribed to the podcast since. Today they started a line by line study in Psalm 23. Perfect timing! It was all about how God is MY shepherd. How we are weak sheep who need him all the time just to get by without screwing up. How fragile and frail we are in His absence. It was great. I am going to download more of the sermons and listen to them in the coming days. By the way, if you are so inclined to pray for the pastor's daughter, they have a website with information called Pray for Daisy.

This cancer experience has really hit that point home with me. The personal relationship aspect of God. I am so thankful to know the Lord and cannot begin to imagine going through this without Him. And without the fellowship of the body of Christ who are praying for me daily. There is such love there, and it is overwhelming at times. I am humbled and grateful.

So....getting ready for chemo. I've been drinking a ton of water today so my veins will pop. I need to pack a "chemo bag" to take with me. I'll have my updated iPhone, my book "The Ezekiel Option," a small bible, a sweater, a water bottle, some comfy socks. I'm not sure about a snack. Maybe some of those organic ritz peanut butter type crackers?

I've been getting ready for the hair loss thing. I've got hats and stuff for when its gone. I bought a lint roller, which I've read helps remove the stubble that can itch and be uncomfortable. Target had some hats on sale and I got a couple. I didn't have one in black before. The only thing I don't have yet is a wig. There's time for that. Right now, it is really hot here in San Diego. A wig doesn't sound too appealing to me.

My prayer requests:

• That we enjoy a nice evening tonight together. That everyone get along without picking on each other.
• That I be able to sleep tonight.
• That I not be fearful. I don't think I am, but it was weird to have my heart rate elevated. Is my body giving away that I really am anxious deep down?
• That the chemo session go smoothly. That I react well to it and don't get sick while there. That I don't suffer debilitating side effects afterwards. If I do have side effects, that they are treatable.
• That my chemo drug cocktail be effective against any cancer cells that may be floating around in my body.

The final countdown

5 more days till round ONE of chemotherapy.

Thankfully, it is a pretty busy week. Today, mom and I went to the gym. Unfortunately, Jean-Marc seems to be going through a separation anxiety thing. As soon as we turned into the parking lot, his little lip started to quiver. By the time we walked into the Kids Club, he was crying. He only lasted 30 minutes. I think I may have to do my gym workouts in the afternoon while he is napping. (Eric works from home, so I can do this).

Mom, Isabelle and I went and got pedicures this afternoon. It was a hoot. Isabelle was loving the whole nail salon experience. It was really fun. I got a really bright pink on my toes and a lighter pink on my nails. I haven't had polish on my nails for a very long time.

After reading lots of chemo tips, I'm starting to gather things that might be helpful. I'm stocking up on hand sanitizers and distributing them all over the place: my purse; the car; diaper bag; each kids backpack, etc. I also got some soups at Trader Joes. I'm not going to prepare too much in the food department. I think I'll wait to see what sounds good. But I think its a good idea to have some stuff ready. I've heard not to eat your favorite foods while on chemo because of the negative association, plus your taste buds change. It's likely that you won't like that food ever again. We'll see.

I made myself a chemo symptom log. I found a weekly appointment calendar template on Word and customized it. For each day, I have about 10 lines to write symptoms and the time of day I'm having them. Each day is numbered with which post-chemo day it is, as well as the date. I can take notes as I experience stuff, then bring it with me to the oncologist when I meet with him. People who know me from ICAN and Scouts could probably see me making some kind of document like this up. I'm a planner/organizer, so this was fun for me to do. It felt like I was actually doing something useful to get ready.

I'm also ordering some more head covering stuff. I ordered a couple of sleep caps from the American Cancer Society that will catch my hair as it falls out. I also am browsing some online scarf vendors. Always on the lookout for pink and plaid! Although my mom is going to make me some stuff, so its not really that urgent for me to get on my own. It's just something to do while I wait for Friday.

The rest of the week is pretty full too. Tomorrow (Tuesday), I have the physical therapy appointment. Wednesday morning we are going to VIP Day at San Elijo Middle School where Olivier will be starting at the end of the month. He'll get his schedule, his pictures taken, his school ID, and be able to walk around the campus and find his classrooms. On Wednesday afternoon, Isabelle's girl scout troop is meeting at FroYo Love to get organized for the fall beach encampment. It will be fun to see everyone again, and we just love FroYo! Thursday I go into the lab for my pre-chemo blood draw. Then bright and early Friday morning is the chemo appointment.

My prayer requests are basically the same as yesterday. Continued healing, less pain. Peace and happiness in the home.

God is good, all the time. Even in the midst of cancer, He is GOOD!

Transitions

Before. Isabelle and I on her birthday.

I am blessed to have a wonderful friend in my hairdresser, Sheila. She graciously offered to help me with my hair, whatever I wanted to do. She even came in today on her day off to cut it for me. I appreciate it so much!

I decided that it would be easier (and less of a mess) to just get a short cut. It would also get me used to the feeling of having my neck bare. It will also be a transition for everyone else who is used to seeing me. Less of a shock. I'm thinking of it as something of a transitional hairdo.

I made the decision this morning, and thankfully, Sheila made herself available to me this afternoon. I was nervous, but there was no backing out. On the way to the salon, I was listening to KLove , a contemporary Christian radio station. I can't even remember what song was on as I was on my way, but I got that weepy Holy Spirit feeling again. I did NOT want to cry over my hair. Especially because I put on mascara! I'll admit, a few tears did flow. Like I've said, I'm not that fond of my hair as it is. But still. Losing it is going to be tough. Being bald is going to be a flag to the world that I'm "sick." A tell tale sign. I can try to hide it with wigs, I guess. But like I've said before, everyone knows I'm in this fight. Why hide it now? (Tough talk from someone with hair still on her head).

Other than the surgery healing, I don't FEEL sick. I'm sure that will change as I start chemo. But accepting the hair loss is kind of like accepting that I am sick, I guess.

When I got there, Sheila had a styling book open and suggested a style. It was short, for sure. But what the heck? In a few weeks, I'm going to be totally bald. So why not? Besides, I usually go in for a cut and tell Sheila to do whatever she thinks would look good. I've been a client of hers since I was pregnant with Olivier over 11 years ago. She knows my hair, head, and me.

So she went for it. It was fun to be doing something "normal" again, even though I was doing it for a cancer related reason. She took these pictures of me, and of the pile of hair that I left behind. Better left on the salon floor than in my shower drain!

Sheila also offered to come wig shopping with me. I do want to get a wig. I may feel differently once the hair is actually gone. I like to have options. Sheila can also thin the wig out and help make it more manageable for me too. I'm so thankful to her for all of her help in this journey. Thanks to you all who have given me positive feedback on my facebook page as well. You guys really gave me a boost!

It's all in (or on) my head

Today I am 3 weeks out of surgery and 9 days before chemotherapy starts. I realized yesterday that chemo is NEXT WEEK. Gulp. It's okay. I really am looking forward to it in a bizarre kind of way. Right now I'm swimming in a sea of unknowns. How am I going to react? What side effects will I have? Will I gain weight? Will I lose it? Will I be able to get the kids to school and put food on the table, or just want to stay in bed? I've read such a huge range of stories and every single one is different. Mine will be too. I just can't predict it. I'm going to make a "chemo calendar" for my growing breast cancer 3 ring binder. I can write down side effects and when they happen so I can report it to the oncologist. It's something I can "do" to help.

I've begun collecting hats and a few head wrap things. I found this site that sells head scarves called "beau beaus." I got a couple of them, they are kind of pricey, but very nice. They come with a matching scrunchie so you can knot the tail of the wrap into a bun and have different looks. Having to accessorize my headwear is going to be a pain. I'm not that good at accessorizing in general, so to have to consider what to put on my head is going to really throw me for a loop! I've got dozens of gorgeous silk scarves that Eric has gotten me over the years, but I've read that silk slips off your head. I've got a few hats as well.

There is always the wig option. I do want to get one, just in case. But I kind of feel a bit about the wig like I do about the fake breasts. Everyone knows I have cancer. I may feel like everyone is staring at the fake hair. I don't know. Maybe there will be times when I'm going out in public and people don't know me and I'll want to look like someone who is "healthy." On the other hand, going out with a head scarf may also get me some sympathy. Maybe not. Who knows?

I've also been pondering what to do about the hair I still have for the next few weeks. It has been falling out since Jean-Marc was born. Every time I wash, I lose a lot. We chalked it up to hormonal changes, but it now looks like it was a warning sign for me. Anyway, I will be glad to get post-chemo hair. I've read that it grows back thicker and even wavy. The "chemo curl." But in the meantime, how do I get rid of the hair I have? Do I do a short cut and then let it fall out little by little? Do I just shave it off? That could be shocking--almost as shocking as seeing myself scarred and breastless for the first time. If I do shave it off, when? Dr. P said my hair would start to fall out about 10 days after the first chemo round. Or, do I do nothing and then let it fall out little by little? That might be a little traumatic, not to mention messy. My bathroom counter has already got hair all over the place from the hair loss I've been experiencing. I don't know what to do. I have a fantastic hairdresser and friend who has offered to do whatever I want. I just don't know what that is.

I'm still off the pain meds, praise God. It will be 2 days today. I think I'll be able to stay off of them. I just pray that this sunburn feeling goes away. Last night, I slept without a camisole on underneath my pajamas for the first time. It felt good while sleeping, and was definitely not as hot. This morning it feels weird to have my silk pajamas brushing up against my incisions. Kind of tickly. I guess that is better than the chafing sunburn. I'm still swollen on my left side.

My prayer requests today:

• Healing, healing, healing. My incisions really are looking pretty good. The swelling is going down, little by little. I'm even able to 'kind of' roll onto my left side in bed (with the support of little pillows). This sunburn feeling is the biggest thorn in my flesh right now. I would like it to go away. If that is not His will, that God would give me the strength and grace to handle the pain.
• That I would find something "fun" to do with the kids this afternoon. They've been housebound and are bored. While a nap or just reading would top my list of things to do this afternoon, I would like to do something fun with them.
• For God's grace and comfort to all of those people out there in cancer treatment. It's not an easy road. I am definitely not alone in this.

Hair today...gone tomorrow?

When I was in high school, I remember my friend Kelly and I talking about how convenient it would be if everyone were just bald and had a wig collection. Then you wouldn't have to worry about bad hair days. Just pop a wig on your head and you're out the door.

Having kids has wreaked havoc with my hair. After Isabelle, I had hairs on the top of my head break about 3/4 of an inch from the root. So it kind of looked like a mohawk. After Jean-Marc, my hair has been thinning. It was fine to begin with, so to lose some of it didn't help. On top of all that, I've got some gray starting to show.

So you'd think that the prospect of losing my hair wouldn't be a big deal. It's not really. Or is it? I'm not sure how I feel about it all. Today, I started considering that reality when I tried on some wigs at the American Cancer Society's shop. They give chemo patients a free wig (and a free hat, I learned). I got my wig...but it felt strange. The texture is different, the color different, the cut different. Of all the options, it was the best fit for me. I'm not sure if I'll wear it much, though.

To strangers on the street, they won't notice anything out of place. They won't give me a second glance. To people who know me, though, it will probably take some getting used to. I guess it will all boil down to how I feel wearing it. I may feel more comfortable in a scarf and hat.

I've got this catalog of all kinds of hats and scarves. It is mind boggling. I think I need to go try things on. Do I get my hair cut shorter before it all falls out?

I think I am okay with the hair loss thing...its just the process that will be kind of freaky. It is one thing to intellectually come to terms with it. But to pull out clumps of hair is going to be beyond bizarre.

We aren't 100% sure if chemo is going to be before surgery, but we are leaning in that direction. That could mean as early as next week. I meet the oncologist on Friday to find out more about what treatment he suggests. One thing I do know for sure...I want to get started, even if it does mean losing my hair in a few days.