Gratitude

Like so many other holidays, dates, and anniversaries this year, I cannot help but compare it to a year ago. Not just reflecting on the differences in my life on those days, but all of the things that have happened since.

Last year, I still had one round of chemo to go. I was bald, but I was feeling pretty good. I was far enough into the 5th cycle that I was feeling somewhat like myself, although my taste buds were definitely off.  All things considered, it was a good Thanksgiving.

After Thanksgiving, I had my 6th round of chemo, developed a severe allergic reaction to the prophylactic Cipro, which in turn triggered my lifelong struggle with lymphedmea.  I also had yet to begin my radiation treatment. Considering how long chemo took, radiation seems like a blip on the screen.

Those are the bad things.  But a lot of good things have happened in the past year as well on the physical side that I am so thankful to God for.  My hair is growing back. It's past the stage where it is obvious that it is growing in from bald. People who don't know me would never know that I was bald a year ago.  In the past year, I've completed three 5k races as well as a 10k. I may not be the fastest runner out there, but my times aren't bad. Especially when I consider where I was a year ago.  I also just completed my first 3 Day, 60 mile walk.  That left my body tired, but satisfied that I was able to complete such a huge goal-I made it every single step!

I'm also thankful for the support of my family. They went through so much with me. They are co-survivors, and don't get the credit that they deserve for what they went through. I can't imagine how hard it had to have been to witness the whole mess I was. Mom and Dad not only supported me through the treatment, but they jumped into (or should I say, stepped into), the 3 Day experience with me. Mom spent countless hours training so she could do it. She battled seeping capillaries in her legs during training and during our walk. Dad slept in a truck last weekend and schlepped heavy bags of the walkers. He met mom and I every day and walked with us the last mile into camp. The three of us ended the 60 miles together, with tears in our eyes. Not just for the accomplishment of the 60 miles, but also of overcoming the struggles of the past year and a half.  Eric did a fabulous job of being a single parent for three days while I was walking. He hasn't even balked at the hints I find myself dropping about doing it all again next year!

Nancy, Sharon and me on Survivor's Hill

Marcy and me

I'm thankful to have met so many amazing and wonderful people in the past year. Fellow survivors have become new friends. It is such a deep bond that we share. Common experiences, common fears, and the common desire just to live and be healthy. I am thankful for all of my new survivor friends and look forward to a long friendship!

Of course, there are so many other things I am thankful for this year. I thank God for all of the blessings He has showered me with. I pray that He gives me the opportunity to use the experience of breast cancer to glorify Him and help other people in the process. I know He works all things together for good, cancer included.

Thank you for being a part of my life. I am grateful for your support and prayers as well.

Let's move forward and have a joyful holiday season. Don't let the little things get you down. Focus on the big picture and be happy.

Bring on the holiday!

The bigger boys playing XBox

The smaller boys playing Legos

Thanksgiving was great yesterday.  Both of my brothers were there, as well as my brother Nathan's kids.  My kids had a great time playing with cousins. The food was great and we had a good time together.  We are all a bit tired today.  The kids didn't get to bed until after 10 p.m.  Needless to say, Jean-Marc is taking a very good nap today!

Now I'm ready for Christmas!!

My last round of chemo is one week from today-December 3rd.  I am so ready to be done with this stage of treatment.  I'm tired of watery eyes.  I'm tired of waiting for the next round of chemo.  I'm tired of all the drugs.  I'm tired of not having hair.  I'm tired of having a cold neck. I'm tired of having to put things off until "after."  I'm just ready to be done.

To focus on the positive I took down my fall decorations and brought out the Christmas decorations.  Isabelle and I had fun decking the halls this afternoon.  This is only our second Christmas in this house.  Last year we had just moved the month before.  I decorated, but it was in a hurry because we still were unpacking our lives. We didn't even attempt to put lights up outside.

Nathan entertains with Chuck Norris jokes

This year, I want to do Christmas up big.  There is so much to celebrate, especially the end of chemotherapy.  I hope I never have to do it again. (There I go, worrying about "what if" it comes back.)  I wanted to get a good jump on the decorating to have a lot of it done before chemo next week. As it is, the only time we will be able to get our tree will be next Saturday, which will be Day 2 in that final cycle.  Eric leaves for a business trip to France on the 10th, so next weekend is our only weekend to do it before the holiday. I'm usually energetic enough on Day 2, so it should be okay.  It's Day 3 that I start to fade, an Day 4 that I crash.  We'll have the tree, it just may not be decorated for awhile!

Dad and Eric

It was fun taking out the decorations that we have accumulated over the past 14 years as a family.  Everything had "its" spot at our old house and decorating was a no brainer.  This year, it took some thinking and creativity about where to put things.  I also want to buy some new decorations too.  It helped to get all the "old" stuff out and see where my decorative "holes" are.  Then I'll hit Michael's with a vengeance!

The kids and I also want to put lights up outside.  I'm not sure when we'll be able to do that.  Eric is game, its just a matter of if we can get him to do it before he leaves on the 10th.  It WILL work out, and we will enjoy being able to contribute to the neighborhood's festive look.

Thanksgiving

I don't know how to sleep in.  With kids, we have evolved a schedule where we are usually up around 6 a.m., even on weekends. Since the time change a few weeks ago, I've been waking up some time around 5:30 a.m. I was so tired last night that I figured maybe I'd "sleep in" until 6:30 today.  Nope.  I was awake at my usual time.

As I lay there, I started to think about Thanksgiving and the things that I am thankful for.  I listed many of them in a post last week.

Of course, I am thankful to the things in my life that everyone else is: family; friends; the abundance of food; the creature comforts (a house, clothes, etc).  But there is more to it than that.  I am thankful for those things...but even more than those things, I am thankful for The One who has given them to me....God.  I am thankful FOR God, and I am thankful TO God.

Words are inadequate as I consider all of the aspects of God and how they directly impact me and the feelings that it gives me. I'm going to give it a try.

First of all, He created me. He knew me before I was born.  He had a plan for my life, even this cancer is part of that plan.  He holds me in the palm of His hand and guides me through this life.  When things get too scary, and they have at times during the past 5 months, I can turn to Him for comfort.  He is my shelter, my strong tower, my ever present help in times of trouble.  It is palpable.  I felt it on the biopsy table.  I felt it on the operating table.

He created the world and the things in it.  Every beautiful place and thing that brings me joy.  The beach, the mighty ocean. The majestic mountains with the smell of pine.  The stars in the sky, the sun and the moon.  The animals with all of their interdependent systems with other animals and the environment, God designed.  It is awesome when you think about it. He gave us music. Who doesn't enjoy music?

I am thankful for His Word.  The Bible is so much more than a book. It is kind of like an onion in that you can read it over and over and see new things in it each time as you dig a little deeper. It never gets old. It feeds my soul.  It answers all of my questions, even when the answer is "My ways are higher than your ways, My thoughts are higher than your thoughts."  It is a hand book for life.  Got questions about parenting? Marriage? Friendship? The nature of God? It's all in the bible.  I'm thankful that I can depend on the promises in the Word, especially in the midst of the cancer storm.  It brings me comfort to know that He promises to work out all things for the good.  Even me having cancer.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit.  He helps me to understand and relate to God in a deeper way.  This may sound strange if you are not born again or if you do not have a relationship with the Lord.  When you are saved you can ask the Lord for His Holy Spirit and He gives it to you.  Literally. The Spirit indwells in you.  For me, it has helped me to understand Scripture in a deeper way.  Those times when I have "felt" God, it has been the Spirit.  When I was lying there with a needle plunged deep into my armpit, it was the Holy Spirit that whispered to me, "I know the thoughts I have toward you.  Thoughts of good and not for evil.  Thoughts to give you a future and a hope."   The Holy Spirit also intercedes for me when I don't know what to pray-and there have been plenty of those times in the past 5 months as well.

I am thankful for Jesus. Without Him, I wouldn't be able to have this relationship with God.  Because I'm a sinner.  Even on my best day, its not good enough for a Holy God.  So He sent His son, Jesus, to take the punishment for my sin.  That was what the cruxifiction was all about. When He died and rose again, it gave all of us the opportunity to have a relationship with God if we choose to.  He is the bridge that brings the sinner (me) to God.  I can stand before God now and God sees me pure and holy.  Two things I am not, but I am because Jesus gives that to me. That is the ultimate thing to be thankful for!  He paid my eternal debt.

What amazes me is that all of these things that I have talked about here, all of these various aspects are all part of the same God.  He is so much bigger than we can even comprehend.  I think sometimes people who refuse to believe certain things, (like God creating the world in 6 days), put God in a "human box."  It just sounds so outrageous to them.  If we were talking about man, even the smartest Nobel prize winning scientist, it is.  But we are talking about God.  It's mind blowing. He is mind blowing.

As I enjoy this Thanksgiving holiday, I am counting my blessings.   I am thinking of all the good things that I am thankful for.  But I am also thinking of the One who has given them to me and thanking HIM for those things.  Every good and perfect gift comes from God.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you want to consider this further, I highly recommend checking out this link to a special sermon from my pastor on giving thanks.

Blessings

Thank the Lord that this round of chemo seems to be going like the last four.  That is, after a yucky Monday (day 4), today is better. I got a good night of sleep last night and woke to a crisp and bright fall day.  I decided to be joyful in the day and remembered the Psalm that declares "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."  (Psalm 118:24)

I think it helps to set your mind on something sometimes.  I may not immediately feel a particular way, but if I set my mind on something, like being joyful in the day, my body and spirit will follow.

It truly has been a godsend to have Jean-Marc with my mom for the past two days.  I am looking forward to having him come back now, and can be "present" with him and not irritated.  Thank you, Mom! It has made a world of difference.

I enjoyed a power walk with some friends this morning.  What a difference to not have to push a stroller!  Not that I mind doing that, it actually helps the workout.  It was nice to walk and chat, and enjoy the beautiful morning and sunshine.

Another praise report is that my forearm didn't bruise from the IV last week.  That also has helped me feel better.  I hated to look down and see a battered and bruised up arm for a week and a half.  It made me feel like a victim, a sick person.

I realized that it has only been a little over 5 months since I was diagnosed.  Doesn't it seem like so much longer??  I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving next week.  I have so much to be thankful for.  This year has not been easy, but still.  It could be so much worse. I thank God for all of the blessings in my life.  Off the top of my head, they include the following:

• I'm thankful that I found the lump in my left armpit when I did back in May. I was given a "clean" mammogram in April. Clearly, it wasn't.  It was providential that I found the lump myself, and I wasn't even doing a self-exam at the time. If I hadn't, I would have gone at least another year (or more) without a mammogram.  The stage 3 could have easily been stage 4 by then.
• I'm thankful for my family. Not just my husband, kids and parents.  Of course, they have been amazing during this time.  I could not have made it this far as well without them.  I'm also thankful that my brother made it home safely from his third tour of duty in Iraq.  He will be flying into San Diego on Monday. It will be nice to have him home for the holiday.  My other brother will have custody of his kids and they will all be up for Thanksgiving.  I've been blessed with a new niece and nephew this year too.  We will miss my sister and her family, but are definitely looking forward to her visit in February.  And just think, Tara...I should be DONE with cancer treatment by then. (Other than the years of hormonal treatment, that is.) I may even have a little bit of hair!
• I'm thankful for my family in Christ. I was just telling a friend at school today how wonderful the fellowship at Calvary Chapel Escondido is.  I didn't even really understand the depths until 5 months ago. Not just those at CC Escondido, but overall.  I've run into brothers and sisters in the hospital, at school, in the chemo ward, and elsewhere.  I'm being prayed for by folks I've never met and I'm so thankful for that fellowship that we share. 
• I'm thankful for all of my friends, wherever they are. I've had so much support from everyone both "in real life" and online. I know I haven't always responded to the wonderful messages that people have sent me, or the cards I have received.  But I cherish them all and am thankful to have these people in my life. 
• This may be selfish, but I'm thankful that the holiday is timed right for my treatment.  I'll be off the Cipro, my taste buds should be coming back and I should be feeling pretty well by Thanksgiving.  Christmas is also timed well...I'll be 3 weeks out of chemo altogether!  I feel like totally decking our house out for Christmas this year.  We haven't put outside lights up for several years, but I feel like changing that.  Celebrate!
• I'm thankful for the advances that have been made in breast cancer treatment over the past decades. I'm thankful that I have access to these treatments. 
• I'm thankful that it is me who has cancer and not one of my kids. I can deal with it, but the thought of having to watch one of my babies go through it is unimaginable. 
• I'm thankful for the strength that God continues to give me.  People tell me how well I am doing with the chemo, being able to exercise and all. I am not coping with this on my own, far from it.  I pray all the time that God would renew my strength, that He would lift me up on wings like eagles, that He would help me run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.  He answers that prayer daily.  (By the way, I love praying the Word of God. You know you are definitely praying His will and His promises and it will not return void!) 

There are many more things that I am thankful for.  This is just a list to open the season with.  It helps me cope to meditate on the blessings rather than the hardships in my present situation.  I need to remind myself: its only temporary; its only temporary; its only temporary.  On the other hand, the blessings of God are eternal!

Welcome November

I'll be glad tomorrow when it's November.

The end of "my" first Pinktober. I'm ready for all of it to be gone.  Don't get me wrong.  It's good for people to be aware of self exams, lifestyle factors that can contribute to breast cancer, early detection, and all of that.  But I am tired of all the pink everything.  There is something a bit crass about companies that have products that contain chemicals that can actually cause cancer slapping their product in a pink package to "raise awareness."  The biggest thing I can say to ALL WOMEN, REGARDLESS OF AGE AND FAMILY HISTORY...get checked out.  Insist on a mammogram, even if you are under 40.  My tumor was 3.5 centimeters large by the time I was 40.  Breast cancer KILLS YOUNGER WOMEN because they are not screened and it is found at more advanced stages.  That is my big message as Breast Cancer Awareness Month 2010 comes to a close.

Halloween will be over then too.  Like I mentioned before, I'm not a huge fan.  It, too, has gotten out of hand. It's gone beyond homemade costumes for the kids to one of the biggest money making "holidays" of the year. Plus, I'm not too keen on the celebration of the occult either.  But it is fun to let the kids dress up and have fun.

With November, it will all be about fall.  Thanksgiving, and the holidays.  I'm looking forward to the holidays--December 3rd is my last scheduled chemo date.  I look forward to a Christmas with that behind me.  What a difference a year makes!!  A year ago, we were anticipating moving into our new house.  This year, I'm anticipating radiation and what my hair might look like when it starts growing back in the spring.

In any event, I am in a good mood.  It was a good day.  I was able to go back to church after 2 weeks' absence.  I missed it!  I was able to finish a fantastic book on my new Kindle, and my family and I are going to see some friends at a party in an hour or so.  We are blessed.