Just plain tired!

Okay.  Reader beware. Whine-fest coming on....

The tickle was cute at first. Something different. But I'm way over it now. It has been 2 weeks since I've had a solid night of sleep.  I'm even missing the night hot flashes! What's up with that??!

Yesterday, I bought an over the counter medication for coughing. I've pretty much gone through a whole bottle of Ny-Quil. So I thought I'd try something more targeted. Forget it!  This new medicine made it more difficult for me to fall asleep. When I did, I was halfway conscious, so it didn't even feel like sleep. To make it worse, I woke up several times during the night to....COUGH! So much for that.  I think tonight I'll go without taking anything.

I'm tempted to take an Ativan.  I still have some left over from my chemotherapy. I took it in the day before, day of and day after chemo, to counteract the steroid (dexamethasone) that I took. It really knocked me out. I would really benefit from a solid night of sleep. I just hate the thought of it being chemically induced.

I may be also experiencing some caffeine withdrawal. I went "off" coffee long ago. Even before my cancer diagnosis. I love the smell of coffee. But I didn't like the calories that cream added. So I switched to green tea over a year ago. For the past few days, I've been blending my own green smoothies in the morning. That doesn't leave much room for green tea.  This morning I couldn't do more than a few sips of the tea. So perhaps that is making me feel worse. But even at that, I only would have 1-2 cups a day, so its not like I'm a big caffeine junkie.

A friend suggested today maybe it is allergies. That's an idea. I do have some left over Claritin from my hive outbreak. I'd really like to avoid another trip to Kaiser. Jeez...I'm so over going to see doctors!

By the way, I went to see my radiation oncologist last Thursday. He thinks my skin looks great and wants to see me in another month. Okay, doc. If you say so. It is healing up, and I even wore my foobies today for the first time in several weeks.

But what I would really like is to just have 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

A pain in the back

I thought with the drains out, I'd sleep better. I'm pretty much still confined to sleeping on back, though. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a horrible night. But I woke up with an achy back. I tried sleeping flat, rather than on an incline pillow. I still had my various little pillows around to support my arms. At one point in the night, I stretched my arms up a bit in my sleep and was met with a firey-knife feeling in my left lower armpit. Ow! I also tried to gently roll to my right side. Nope. That wasn't going to work either. The site where the drain was hurt too much. It also probably has to do with the fact that over the course of the night, the painkillers wear off and by early morning, I feel pretty fragile. My mother in law this morning asked me why I don't spend more time in bed in the mornings. Pretty simple-it just hurts my back to be in bed that long.

What I would LOVE to be able to do right now is some yoga. Especially for my upper body and back. I just feel really compacted. This surgical camisole doesn't help. It comes up pretty high into the armpit area and chafes a bit. I'll check myself for swelling this morning and wear it another day.

I did start some of my post-op stretches last night. I'm actually not as stiff on my left as I thought I would be. There is one broom stretch where you put your "bad" hand on the end of a broomstick, and then bring it up over your head as far as you can. I was able to extend it up all the way. Granted, I did have pain meds in my system. I'll keep doing these exercises, though. I really do not want to lose mobility in my upper body. I'm supposed to do them once a day for 10 days, 10 repetitions each. Then I can do it twice a day. There is a video I checked out at the library on post-mastectomy exercises that looked lame a few weeks ago. I may re-check it out now and try it. One thing I didn't like was the lady on the video, a breast cancer survivor, refers to women with breast cancer as "victims." That turned me off. I'm not a victim! I'm a warrior! But I could do the video with the sound down, I suppose.

Mom and I are going to go for a longer walk this morning around Discovery lake. I'm hoping that will get the blood flowing and help this feeling of stiffness and compaction. A brisk walk with some stretching afterwards will probably help me feel much better.

Pillows and Pathology

Day 5 post-op.

Pillows are my new best friends. I have them everywhere: upstairs; downstairs; in the car. The American Cancer Society sent me two small pillows that I tuck under my arms when I'm on the couch downstairs. Kaiser gave me a heart shaped pillow to use under the shoulder strap seat belt in the car. Up in my bedroom, I've got a big incline pillow that I sleep on. Then I've got 2 throw pillows that I tuck under each arm. Then a third pillow in the middle that my hands rest on.

Unexpectedly, my surgeon called yesterday to give me the results of the pathology report. I wasn't expecting to hear anything about the report until my post-op appointment on Wednesday. She said there were "no surprises." We go in tomorrow to see her and will get a copy of it for ourselves and go into it much deeper. But the bottom lines were:

• The right breast was clear of any tumors. That is good-that means my right lymph nodes will all stay in my body. With the left gone, these will be working overtime.
• The tumor on the left breast was 3.5 centimeters. It felt huge. I was afraid it was going to be much bigger.
• She got clear margins. She mentioned something about not needing radiation for this reason. I asked her if that meant I wouldn't need radiation at all, and she deferred to the oncologist, Dr. P.
• 5 of the 15 lymph nodes from the left side were positive for cancer. I already knew there was activity in the lymph nodes since the lump I felt was a lymph node. Because of the delay in surgery, I was afraid that all of the nodes would be positive. Having only 5 is an answer to the prayers that the cancer not spread.
• I asked her what "stage" of cancer I have. She had to scramble a bit and do some cross-referencing on the phone, but she said the factors in the pathology report put it at a 2b. Another answer to prayer. I was afraid it was a 3.

Eric did some research last night and there still is over a 50% chance that there are cancer cells floating around my body somewhere. I think he was kind of hoping that chemotherapy would not be necessary. He kept making comments over the past few days about how flawed the prophylactic use of chemo is when you don't really *know* there is cancer there. I've been resigned to the reality of chemo being in my future. But this 50% statistic is helping him come around to it as well.

With this news, I am feeling pretty good. I was holding out a little bit of dread and fear about the pathology report. To see just how "bad" it was going to be. It was the last unknown, at least for now. It helps to have the enemy unmasked and out in the open.

Dr. K said that if the drains were draining 50 cc or less each per day, she would be able to take them out tomorrow. Yesterday, 2 of the 3 did less than that. The third drain (the second one on the left) did 60 cc. We'll see how they do today. Overnight, they did not drain much. It usually picks up during the daytime. The drains are very uncomfortable. They itch and ache where they are coming out of my side. I'll be a very happy camper when they come out.

So now I am focused on recovering physically from surgery. I want to get back into as good of shape as I can before chemo starts. I know I won't be jumping into my Jillian workouts. But if I can do some cardio on the recumbent bike and keep my lower body strong, I'll be happy. I'll feel strong and ready to take chemo head-on.

My prayer requests today:

• That the drains be able to come out tomorrow. That means 50 cc or less each day. If there is more that they need to do, I want them to stay in. But if it is possible for them to come out tomorrow, it will help me rest better. I'll be able to find my new 'normal.'
• That it not hurt too bad when they take out the drains. I'm a little paranoid about this. I've been warned that it feels creepy. I can deal with a few seconds of creepy. I can deal with pain too. I'd just rather not.
• That I continue to be able to rest. Sleep is physical therapy. I can feel the renewal of energy and tissue when I wake up. Sleep is a godsend right now.
• Overall harmony in the house. It is hard being cooped up during the summer. Like all kids, mine bicker and have typical sibling rivalry. That raises the level of drama for everyone in the house. Eric and his mom get all worked up about it, sometimes seeming to take one side over the other. It just escalates. Eric also gets annoyed at what he sees as the kids' obsession with video games. They don't do it as much as he thinks, really. But he always seems to be coming down hard on them for it. Everyone just needs to chill out and cut each other some slack right now.

I want to thank everyone again for your prayers and support. I've received so many wonderful messages from so many of you. It is so encouraging and uplifting knowing that you all are out there with us in spirit. When this is all over, I want to throw a huge party and invite everyone to come and celebrate in pink and plaid!

Have a blessed day. God is good, all the time!

The day has arrived, almost

It is the day before my surgery. I'm glad this day has finally arrived. I remember blogging about what an eternity 3 weeks was going to be. I some ways, it was. But I had to accept it and use the time as best I could.

So where is my head at today? It is hard to describe. It's a mixture of many things, some of which shouldn't really go together: anxiety/anxiousness; dread; relief; stoicism; sentimentalism...I could go on.

I did a few more "lasts" today. My last workout at the gym. I met my mom there and we did a good 90 minutes of cardio. Mom doesn't like to sweat, but we did today! I did some sprints on the treadmill that were awesome. I got to that point where it felt like I could run forever. But every footfall I couldn't help but think, "When will I be able to do this again?" We finished it off with about 20 minutes on the recumbent stationary bike. That was easy. I'm thinking that, along with walks, will be a way for me to ease into exercise again. I know I shouldn't push it, but it is going to be very difficult to go "cold turkey." Who knows? Maybe I'll be in such pain after the surgery that I won't notice?

There are still so many unknowns. That also is a hard thing. How long will I have to wait in pre-op tomorrow? I don't want to wait for hours in a hospital gown waiting for my turn. I check in at 9:00 am. I want to go in and get it over with. We aren't sure of how "bad" it is, although we know it is in at least one of the lymph nodes. That's bad. But is it in all of them? Will radiation be necessary after chemo? I just don't know. How much pain will I have after the surgery? Pam, the volunteer from the American Cancer Society, warned me that it would be painful to wipe after going to the bathroom. Lovely. Will I be able to sleep? Another warning was that its hard to lie flat on your back. And turning on my sides will be out of the question. I have a wedge pillow, and the ACS was going to be sending me more.

I'm trying to get loose ends wrapped up today. I'm doing as much laundry as I can. I'm changing the sheets on my bed so I come home to a clean bed. I need to pack for my overnight hospital stay. That is weird too. I'm just going to wear down what I plan to come home in. So button up shirts, here I come. Here's another strange thing: I won't need the bra I wear tomorrow again. I might as well toss it into the trash at the hospital. For that matter, I won't need any of my bras. When I do heal, I'll be getting mastectomy bras to put prosthetic "foobs" into.

My mother in law arrived from France last night. I am thankful to have her here. She told me this morning that she is basically at our service. She will take care of the kids, especially Jean-Marc. She also is an ironing maniac, so I've been saving Eric's shirts for her. She's actually standing behind me ironing them right now! It will be nice for Eric to have his mom here to talk with for him. He's had a hard time too. Sometimes I think partners of cancer patients need their own support groups so they don't burden the person with cancer with their issues. With the kids occupied, my mom can focus on helping me more.

We are going to order Fish House Vera Cruz for dinner tonight to take home. I was going to cook, but when she made the offer, I thought, why not? I want to have a good meal tonight because I probably won't be able to eat much tomorrow, even after surgery. Another unknown.

I've been getting many comforting messages on my Facebook page. Thank you all for your prayers and support. I also appreciate the help with meals. It helps to know there is one less factor in the equation to cover. It is a blessing.

My prayer requests today:

• That we all be able to sleep tonight. I've actually been getting about 6-7 hours each night for the past few nights. I think that is one thing that has helped me not to completely be a wreck. I saw a nurse friend today who just learned of my diagnosis. She told me that in her jargon, I seemed very well "psycho-socially adjusted" to my situation. That is the result of God's grace, not anything from me. I know there are so many out there praying for me, and sleep has been a big issue for me. Eric and our parents need their sleep tonight as well.
• That I would be able to get in quickly tomorrow without undue delay in pre-op.
• That the surgery go well. That nerve damage be minimal. There will be some permanent damage on the left side. I also pray that the surgeon does not need to remove any muscle. If there is cancer there, she will. But hopefully that won't be the case. Pray that the cancer is maintained in a small area.
• That my body tolerate the surgery well without complication. A friend of mine suggested I take the homeopathic remedy arnica montana 30x. I've been doing that for the past few day and am going to keep it up. She had a mastectomy 8 weeks ago and she said it helped keep the swelling down for her.
• That the kids not have too much fear and anxiety. Isabelle brought the surgery up today at lunch. She's been extra clingy. Pray that they feel the comfort that only the Lord can provide.

I don't know if I'll have time to post again before I go. If something comes to mind that I want recorded, I will. Otherwise, I'll post again on the other side.

Blessings to you all.

Done all I can do

I've done everything needed to have this surgery happen. I went in for 2 chest X-rays yesterday at Kaiser in San Marcos. No appointment was necessary. It was a breeze. I walked in, paid the $10 cost share and they took me right in. I was in and out in 10 minutes. The tech asked me if there was any chance I was pregnant. No, sir. Then he asked me if I was having regular periods. I said yes. (In my mind, I thought....for now.) He asked if I was done with childbearing or did I want to shield my ovaries. Hmm. I replied that those days were most likely over.

I'm not sure if I've blogged about it, but chemotherapy is very likely to put me into menopause. Even if it doesn't, my oncologist said that it may be advisable to make it happen anyway. I'm not sure how they would do that short of taking out my ovaries and other reproductive organs. I'm not going to think too much about that right now. As Scarlett would say, "I'll think about that tomorrow."

I'm just marking time right now, trying to get the household organized and caught up so I can take several weeks "off." It felt good yesterday to go through the finances and paperwork. I reviewed our Fidelity portfolios and updated them per the latest issue of Sound Mind Investing. I cleared out my "inbox" and threw away a lot of expired stuff. When we moved into this house, my new neighbor mentioned she had a cleaning lady that she loved. Eric has given me the green light to get some help in that department. (A perk of having cancer, I suppose.) I had her come over yesterday and give me a quote. She starts Monday! Right in time for my mother in law's arrival on Tuesday.

I drafted my Advance Health Care Directive yesterday. I took it to the UPS store to get it notarized. I'll take it with me on the day of surgery. I also did a simple will. We haven't done our family trust yet. My bad. But I do feel like it would be prudent to have at least a basic will in place, particularly for guardianship of the kids. As far as the property goes, I am fine with the way California would distribute it if I didn't have a will. Besides, it can always be revoked later when I get around to doing our trust. I just need to get two witnesses to watch me sign the will. It's weird drafting your own will. I've done it for others and it wasn't strange at all. I'm not expecting to need it anytime soon!

Tomorrow I'm driving up to meet my best friend from childhood at Glen Ivy Hot Springs. I've booked a massage that I am really looking forward to. Hopefully it won't be too hot to enjoy Club Mudd afterwards! But the best part will be to hang out with a dear friend and visit.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up at 1:15 a.m. covered in sweat. It was so hot last night, even with the windows open. As usual, I couldn't get back to sleep right away. So I spent the next few hours tossing and turning, with dozens of random thoughts popping into my head. One thing is for sure. Next week when I am post-op, I am not going to suffer the heat on top of camisoles and oozing drains. We have air conditioning, and I plan to use it if necessary.

My prayer requests today:

• As always, that this cancer does not spread. It is kind of scary knowing, but not really knowing the extent of it. I'm dreading the pathology report.
• That tonight be a better night for sleep.
• That Olivier enjoy his last day at boy scout camp. Last year, I went up on Friday night and joined them for dinner. But the drive home was a bit scary. I didn't even think of going this year. I hope he's not disappointed that I'm not going. I hope he's had a good week and enjoys this last night.

Thank you all for sticking with me. This post has been a bit of a rambly, stream of consciousness thing. It reminds me a bit of the random thoughts I had in the middle of the night. Unfocused and unorganized!

Always on my mind

Sleep is a good escape. But even before I open my eyes, when those first stirrings of consciousness happen it pops into my head....BREAST CANCER. There is no going back to sleep after that. For the past several days, that moment has been in the 5 a.m. hour. Once it was much earlier and I spent the rest of the night drifting in and out of a semi-conscious restless state. I wouldn't call it "sleep."

When I'm awake during the day, it is always on my mind. Even if I appear to be doing something else, it is ever present. I'm either thinking about the cells themselves, mentally strategizing about what I can do next, or mentally/emotionally preparing for the realities of treatment. Preparing myself for the pain, sure. But also the sights and smells that I'm in for. Scars. It's too bad, because I would like to be able to let it GO and focus on other things, even for a few minutes. I'm trying to maximize family fun in the next couple of weeks, but I can't stop thinking about CANCER. Ugh. At least if I don't share my thoughts, everyone else can have fun and enjoy the moment. Especially the kids. I don't want them to be eaten alive by this as I am.

This morning I was flipping through one of the many "educational" pamphlets I got from somewhere. It was talking about staging. We won't know for sure my stage (0-4) until after the surgery. Because it is in a lymph node, its at least stage 2. I'm assuming because the PET scan didn't show it anywhere else, its not a stage 4. (I hope I'm not assuming too much.) I don't want to be a 3. But if the tumor is big enough, it will be. I suppose it doesn't really matter. I'm in for surgery and chemo. But just thinking that it could be a 3 freaked me out. My heart started racing and I felt like I was going to throw up. I threw the pamphlet away.

I wish I could have this surgery sooner.

My prayer requests today:

• That this cancer does not spread while I wait for surgery.
• That I'm at the earliest stage of cancer as possible. I already know 0 and 1 are out. But I really, really don't want to be at 3. Maybe this worry is silly. But its there.
• That I am able to enjoy some of the time before surgery. Peace of mind would be nice. I know I should be living Philippians 4:6, but it is hard to do in every moment. (Be anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, make your requests be made known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus)
• That the surgery date could be advanced.

May the Lord bless you and keep you today.