Itchy!

Last night was a pretty typical night for me.  Cycles of hot flashes, sweating, kicking off sheets, pulling them back on.  I also felt myself scratching my sides and arms through my pajamas.  I woke up to a pretty bad case of hives. They are all over my body: my sides; belly; back; and legs.

I'm not sure what is causing this reaction.  I didn't eat anything new yesterday.  I didn't use any new lotions or soaps.  Could it be the Cipro?  It's a pretty strong antibiotic.  I've been on it since Tuesday.  On the other hand, I've done a week of Cipro for the last 5 rounds with no reaction.  I decided to hold off on this morning's dose and e-mail Dr. P.  He has been pretty responsive to e-mail in the past. 

I was able to cope pretty well this morning. It was there and annoying, but I was able to workout and go grocery shopping.  

I didn't hear back from Dr. P this morning, so at 11 a.m., I decided to call the oncology department.  After all, it is Friday.  I don't want to have to deal with an ER visit over the weekend.  It's the first time I've had to call for advice my chemotherapy.  The operator told me that Dr. P was out of the office until Monday.  I asked to send a message to another doctor.  If I wait until Monday, I would be almost through the Cipro.  I needed some guidance today.  After leaving the message, I decided to take the first dose of the day and see if it made the hives worse. 

I heard back from an oncology nurse a few minutes later.  She suggested that I treat the symptoms with benadryl and topical creams.  I had some old benadryl, so I took one.  Anything to help the itch, which had grown worse.  She thought the chemo was probably the culprit, not the Cipro.  She passed my information onto the on-call oncologist.  

I am pretty impressed with the oncology department at Kaiser.  I heard back from the oncologist via e-mail shortly after that.  This was a little over one hour after my initial phone call.   His advice was that, while we can't be sure its a reaction to the Cipro, I should stop taking it and use benadryl to ease the symptoms.  That is good and bad news.  I'm more than happy to stop the Cipro.  We are using it prophylactically so I don't catch a secondary infection.  If I am careful about germs and God watches over me, I should be okay.  (Well, I know He's watching over me regardless)   The bad news is that I just took a pill an hour ago.  Since then, my right eyelid has swollen up and I'm itching like mad. 

My mom is going to be coming over later to pick up Olivier to spend the night at her house.  She's coming to my rescue as well with new benadryl and some aveeno bath.  

Hopefully I won't go insane before these hives go away.  As you can imagine, my prayer request today is that these hives go away.  I also need prayer that I don't get sick or have some negative consequence from stopping the Cipro while my white blood cell counts are probably very low.  

Sparkles

The cleaning ladies were here today and I am SO happy! Three women spent 5 hours here and it looks amazing. I spent yesterday afternoon cleaning out the pantry. We have had these moths for months and just lived with it. But the problem got progressively worse to the point where it was getting out of hand. Almost like a Hitchcock movie. I pulled everything out, threw out a lot of infested stuff, vacuumed it out and washed every square inch with hot and soapy water. Between that and the cleaning ladies, my house sparkles!!

I finished up my Cipro regimen for this round today. I'm so glad to be done with that. Only one more time. I'm relatively drug free for a week. Just the chemo drugs working their way through my system.

I noticed another side effect this round that I forgot to mention as well. Watery eyes. My eyes are constantly watering. It was especially bad in the day or two right after chemo. It almost looks like I'm crying. Between that and the constant nose drip (no hair in the nose to catch it), I need to have a kleenex handy at all times!

The kids and I joined my mom this morning to pick my brother Jared up from the airport. My other brother and his family to greet him as well. Afterwards we all went to In and Out Burger-Jared's favorite place. Its nice to have Jared home. I was waiting the results of my biopsy when he left for Iraq. Funny how I measure or remember everything in regards to how it relates to my cancer.

I wonder if and when that will ever change.

Getting strong again

I took a few days off of serious exercise since the last chemo round, but today I'm back in the game.  It was tough, but I did what has become my Wednesday routine-Jillian Michael's "No More Trouble Zones" circuit training workout.  I walked yesterday with my friends and did a 30 minute light cardio workout on Monday, neither of which are that challenging.  Today was different

I like this DVD because it incorporates some weights. Jillian's circuit training style was what helped me lose 50 pounds over the past year, so its a proven workout for me.  I also think its good for me as I process the latest batch of poison because while it does get your heart rate up there, it isn't as intense of a cardio blast as other workouts are.  I'll save a cardio blast for tomorrow.

It wasn't easy though, and I had to modify the pushups to the "girl" version on my knees.  There were times when I felt a little dizzy, and I attribute that to the Cipro that I started taking yesterday.

It is important to me to feel strong.  I realized this morning during the workout when I felt like I was going to poop out, I would just imagine the word 'CANCER' in my mind and my energy was renewed.  Before cancer, I would imagine Jillian yelling at me like she does her contestants on "The Biggest Loser."  Now cancer's voice is much stronger than hers. As I do the harder workouts and really push myself, I can feel myself actually beating this demon disease inside of me.  It is certainly a motivator.

My little lion

Today has been a good day.  San Diego's weather returned today. It is a bright and sunny day, even a little too warm.  It was wonderful. I took Jean-Marc to his weekly "Moove & Groove" class which he absolutely loves.  (Hi Miss Amy!)  The kids came in their Halloween costumes. I'm not a big Halloween fan, but toddlers in costumes sure are cute!  I put Jean-Marc in Olivier's first costume that he wore when he was about 15 months old--a lion. I didn't think he would go for it, but he really enjoyed the costume and kept it on the whole time.  I went "in disguise" too...I wore my wig and my foobies! Undercover cancer patient, that's me!  Although my compression sleeve may have raised some suspicions...

I can't help but laugh sometimes at situations. One of the other moms in the class, who is quite pregnant and kept busy by her almost-two-year-old, made a comment to me that she can't remember the last time she did her hair.  Without missing a beat, I said, "me either!"  She laughed and hi-fived me. Her mom dealt with chemo, so she wasn't offended.  Later on when I was picking up Isabelle, a friend came up to me and asked me what "that" was.  Now she is much taller than me--I'm only 5'1 on a good day.  So she was looking down as she asked, so it really did look like she was looking at my chest, at least from my perspective. My first thought was my foobies!  At least I asked "what?"  That gave her the chance to point to my arm.  I told the group I was with that I almost said something about "wearing my boobs" today.  Sometimes, you just have to laugh.

My prayer requests:

• Healing. That this chemo be effective.  I would hate to think that all of this is for nothing. I don't want to live with cancer forever. I want to beat it once and for all.  
• Mental battles. Along with the idea of "beating it once and for all" is a fear that it won't end.  That cancer will come back and I will have to do it over.  I know that happens to a lot of women, I've met some of them.  Many fight the rest of their lives with it. I admire their strength and willingness to fight.  But gosh, I am afraid of becoming one of them. I know that my health is all in God's hands and I should not be fearful.  But it is scary and my enemy knows this weakness-and he exploits it. I need to be physically strong, but spiritually and mentally as well.  

Stumbling out of the ditch

Round three, day five.  I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.

Yesterday I felt tired and like I was in a fog.  But I wasn't as tired as I was last round-I think taking it easy on Sunday afternoon helped a lot.  What I do lose is my patience.  It's gone right now and isn't in sight yet.  I'm embarrassed to admit a few outbursts on my part over the past few days.  Not very loving of me.

If it was just about taking care of myself and riding out the chemo train, it would be much easier.  But dealing with a 2 year old with opinions, demands, and endless contradictions (up/down, yes/no), is what is hard.  Thankfully, mom has been here for the past 2 days and its been wonderful.  I think a 2 year old can drive the healthiest mom nuts at times.  Throw chemo in the mix, and it is a bigger challenge.  I thank God for the grace He has given me to hold it together as well as I have.  I'd be a mess otherwise.

I started my Cipro week this morning.  As I took the first pill, I noticed the label warned that it may cause dizziness.  Ah-ha!  I remembered last round on Tuesday (the day I start the Cipro) being dizzy at the gym.  An hour or so later when I was walking the dog I had a few moments of light-headedness.  I realize now that it is from the Cipro and to be aware of it, especially on the day that I start the medication and my body is getting used to it.

Another byproduct of the chemo, at least this first week is what I call "chemo brain."  I've had "placenta brain" and "milk brain" before when I was pregnant and nursing.  Now I get to live with chemo brain.  Its a little bit of a fog.  I also have trouble making decisions or problem solving.  My friends asked me this morning how old I would be when Jean-Marc was in 4th grade.  It would take some serious mental power to figure that out right now, maybe even a pen and paper!  Just let me go with the flow, please.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total waste of brainpower.  I just don't want to expend the mental energy if its not really that important.

I have managed to keep moving, physically since chemo.  I was going to let it slide yesterday.  It was rainy and dark in the morning.  After dropping Isabelle off at school, I realized that if I didn't get some endorphins flowing, I was going to be depressed.  With the grey weather, being tired and feeling kind of yucky, being depressed would have really made the day a bleak one.  I did a 30 minute cardio workout on Exercise TV. It was just enough to break a sweat and get the blood flowing.  This morning, I went for a walk with my friends and we even did the "big" hill.

Keeping moving is key for me.  I think that is a big factor in my treatment. There are studies that show exercise can reduce fatigue in chemotherapy.  But even beyond that, it is a mental thing for me.  If I can keep exercising, I am "strong."  If I get to the point where I'm not exercising, I'm wimping out and letting the cancer win.  Not if I can help it!  I do less-intense workouts at the beginning of the chemo cycle.  By the third week, I hope I am back in "normal" shape and ready to ride the cycle again.  Last round, I was doing my Jillian DVD a week after chemo.  We'll see if I can get there this time.  No pressure!

My prayer requests:

• That I continue to pull out of the chemo ditch.  That every day get better in terms of my energy level, patience and overall mood. 
• That I do not suffer from new side effects.  That the ones I do have (a little heartburn, chemo brain, metallic mouth) be manageable.
• That I do not develop lymphedema in my left arm.  I've been doing my manual drainage massage each day to stay on top of it.  It will be a lifelong issue. 

96 hours and counting

At noon today, it was 96 hours post-first round chemo. That is notable because it means I start taking Cipro for a week to ward off any infection.

So far, so good. I was able to sleep all night without the use of any medication, thank God. I was having some heartburn in the night, but as long as I slept on an incline pillow, I was okay. I noticed some tenderness on my head, but that could be paranoia about the hair loss that is to come. I've also noticed a change in my taste buds. It is kind of metallic, but not too bad. It's not hurting my appetite!

This morning, the kids and I kept busy. I made Jillian's French toast for Jean-Marc and myself. I'll admit, its one of my favorite Jillian breakfast recipes, so I'm going against the advice of some who say to avoid your favorite foods while on chemo. Afterwards, I went up to my room for some exercise. I'm a little worried about germs, so I decided to try to work out at home with Exercise TV rather than going to the gym. Besides, Jean-Marc hasn't been enjoying the Kid's Club lately, and keeping him at home would save 2 bucks! I did a modified version of Jillian's "Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism" that they have on the Exercise TV channel. I have to watch the bouncing, so I modified some of that. (Although I will admit I did do a little bit of high impact.) I also couldn't do any of the plank exercises like mountain climbers or traveling planks. I just would substitute some cardio kick box moves at that time. The workout was only about 25 minutes, so I got out my step and did my own version of low impact step aerobics for another 20 minutes or so. The great thing was that I got really sweaty and loved every second of it!

We ran some errands before lunch, going to the library, and trying to find Olivier some new shoes for school. It got us out of the house and it was good to be doing something normal. I think we are pretty much set for school now. I also scored a pair of shoes for myself. They are some of those toning shoes that supposedly give you exercise just by walking around in them. They aren't tennis style, though. More like sandals. Heck, it was buy one pair, get the second 1/2 off. How could I resist? Besides, my black sandals were pretty ragged.

Tonight I'm going to go with Olivier to his scout meeting. They are having a parent meeting about the annual popcorn fundraiser sales. I haven't been to a scout meeting for a couple months! I've been so blessed to have friends who have been willing to shuttle my son to the meetings! My mom is going to come over and hang out with Jean-Marc and Isabelle while I'm gone. Another blessing!

My prayer requests:

• That the Cipro do its job and I don't get any infections. Also, that I don't suffer any common infections as a result of taking the heavy duty antibiotic. You ladies know what I mean. :-)
• That I be able to rest tonight.
• That the kids and I be able to enjoy the last days of their summer vacation.
• That the chemo drugs be effective against any cancer cells in my body.

Trying to live

I'm in such a bizarre place right now.

First of all, a status report. I'm okay. A little tired. I got a good night of sleep, although I did take the Ativan to do it. I'm hoping to avoid that tonight. I think I may be getting a slight metallic taste in my mouth, especially when I drink water. And I've been drinking a ton of water. I know I'm supposed to, but I'm thirsty too. The metallic taste is particularly noticeable when I have carbonated water. I went to the gym for awhile this afternoon. I took it easy, keeping my heart rate below 140. I did about 35 minutes on the elliptical and 20 on the recumbent bike. I figure I can take it easy this first week after a round, and hopefully be able to increase the intensity later on. Even if I can't, I just want to keep my body moving so my metabolism doesn't completely shut down.

Other than some fatigue, I feel pretty normal. But my mind is so wrapped up in cancer. I need to find a way to LIVE each day. Not just be consumed with every little twinge. In the shower today, my scalp felt a little sensitive. Now I've read that your scalp tingles before the hair falls out, so I was thinking, "Wow! Is this it?" I don't think so, its still kind of early. But its the next thing to "look forward" to, so I'm anticipating it. Paranoia, anyone?

This is the kids' last week of summer vacation. If I continue to feel okay, I should do some fun things with them. But a part of me just wants to be able to not do anything else but just take care of myself and myself alone. I feel kind of selfish. I just feel like focusing on MY day: getting exercise; getting rest. Reading a book. Watching a movie. Eating what I want. Not having to worry about everyone else around me. But I can't. I still have mommy duties. Especially since Eric is on a business trip this week. I can't check out, I need to do even more. I feel bad even voicing this selfish stuff. Its ugly. I love my kids, I just don't want to have to deal with them right now. How terrible is that? If I was knocked out sick, it would almost be easier. At least I wouldn't feel guilty because I would just not be physically capable of doing things.

Don't get me wrong--I don't want to be sick! I'm very thankful that I seem to be handling this as well as I am. I am not taking any of it for granted. It is a gift from God, and a direct answer to prayers. I thank you all for your continued prayers and support for my family and I.

My prayer requests:

• That the kids and I enjoy each other's company tomorrow. That we do something fun and lively. That I can snap out of this selfish funk. I don't like it. I want to be a fun mom, not a selfish one.
• That my family be resistant to infections. Tomorrow, I start a week of prophylactic antibiotic Cipro because my white blood cell counts are probably lower. It's more than just me-everyone around me needs to stay well so they don't make me sick.
• That this chemo work on any remaining cancer in my body.

Turning to the next page

Time marches on. Even during this summer of surprise and turmoil. In some ways, the summer is dragging on. In other ways, it seems like the blink of an eye. Strange.

Today is exactly 2 weeks after my bilateral mastectomy. I was able to scale down the pain medication yesterday to a total of 3. At night, I took one rather than two. I didn't sleep as deeply, and didn't go to sleep right away when I woke up for a "nature break" in the middle of the night. But I did get a full night of sleep. It could have just been psychological, knowing I took less before bed.

I had my appointment with Dr. P today to see what the rest of my treatment is going to look like. Mom and Eric both went with me, and we recorded it just in case we forgot any details. Not only is the support nice, it is good to have another set of eyes/ears and brain in the room. I was very glad that he did not give me a percentage chance of survival, nor did he dwell on the stage of the cancer.

As I expected, Dr. P is recommending 6 rounds of chemotherapy and then a course of radiation, and then hormonal therapy for 5 years afterwards. The radiation is on the menu because I had more than 4 positive lymph nodes. I asked him if I do chemo, doesn't that "kill" all the bad cells? Isn't radiation then overkill? He thought that was a good question. It basically comes down to doing all you can to make sure the cancer is gone. Each treatment attacks it slightly differently. He thought the chemo and hormonal treatment was the most important in my case. I have time to think about radiation. I definitely want to throw all my weapons at this enemy and kick it once.

We do have a decision to make, however. When it comes to the chemo, the traditional cocktail in cases like mine has been a mix of three drugs: taxotere; cytoxan; and adriamycin. There apparently is debate in the oncology community about whether or not adriamycin is really necessary for breast cancer. The camps are about 50/50. The trend seems to be to leave out the adriamycin. There is a clinical trial going on that I am eligible to participate in that will answer that question. Too bad it isn't already answered. Because now I have to decide whether or not to do the chemo with or without adriamycin. I asked Dr. P which camp he was in, because he wasn't pushing one over the other. (A good sign, I think). He said he falls into the side of leaving it out. Adriamycin can cause damage to the heart muscle, and it can also cause leukemia. On the other hand, it is part of the traditional treatment that has put breast cancer survival rates in the 90th percentile.

I trust Dr. P. We definitely are going to think about it more, but for now, he ordered the chemo without the adriamycin. Thank God that Eric knows how to research this stuff. He's already looking into it. If we decide we want the adriamycin all we have to do is call and he'll add it to the mix.

Dr. P also examined me. He said everything looked good. I was glad, because yesterday I noticed some fluid build up on my right chest area. (I don't think I can say breast..its not there anymore.) It was freaky. I would lightly poke it and it would undulate like a water balloon. It wasn't a lot, but it was gross. He said that was very small, and not to worry about it. He asked about my mobility and seemed to be positive about what I have been doing to rehabilitate myself from surgery. I asked him about the pain meds, and he said it was better to be on pain meds and be able to stretch than to be off of them and immobile. He did not seem to think continued use of them was unreasonable. In fact, he almost seemed to encourage me to use it to avoid pain.

He's also prescribing some medications to go along with the chemo. First is dexamethasone. I'm supposed to take that the day before, the day of, and the day after each chemo treatment. The second is Zofran for nausea. The third is the antibiotic Cipro to take around day 5 of the chemo cycle to help ward off infections when my white blood cell count is low. I'm going to put all of these on a calendar so I can keep track of what to take on each day.

The big question is...when does it all start? My first chemo round will be in 2 weeks, on August 20th. After that, its every 3 weeks until my last dose on December 3rd. I go in and see Dr. P the day before the next dose. I also have to have a blood draw the day before each dose. I'm glad they put my Dr. P appointments the day before, because I can just go over to the lab and have the blood draw at the same time.

I'm glad I will be lucid on August 18th. That's a big day for Olivier. We will go over to the middle school and he'll pick up his schedule and books. He'll also get his school picture done, get his student ID and be able to walk around the campus and find his classrooms. I didn't want to be dopey for that. It is really important, and I was going to drag myself out of bed if need be to go with him. I'm glad I won't have to do that! Middle school is a big step and I want to be present for Olivier as much as possible to help him adjust.

My prayer requests:

• That my body continue to heal. I've got 2 weeks to get in as good of shape as I can for chemo. I also hope to be able to sleep as I begin to scale down the pain meds at night.
• For wisdom as we research and make a decision on the adriamyicn.
• That our family treat each other with an extra dose of grace and patience. Isn't it sad we sometimes treat total strangers better than we do those we say we love? This is a tough journey for each of us individually as well as a family. We need continual refilling of the Holy Spirit upon our home and in our lives. We're very leaky!