Take home points

I had the pleasure of sharing some of my testimony yesterday at a Women's breakfast at Calvary Chapel of Escondido. In preparing for my talk, I went through this blog and re-lived my journey with cancer.  It was very good for me to step back and look at this experience in a compressed period of time. There were three main "take home" points that I shared with the ladies.  Since most of my readers were not present, I would like to share them here. Plus, I kind of ran over time (okay, by a lot...like 30 minutes!) I am going to expand on what I actually said so it may make more sense.

Keep in mind my entire story as you read this. It may sound flippant if taken out of context. But I've come to this after a longish road of trial and walking the walk. I continue to be concerned that it is not really over. I live in persistent concern (I don't want to use the word "fear") of recurrence. This is what I've learned so far:

YOU CAN BE JOYFUL, EVEN WHEN IT HURTS
"Joy" is not dependent on your relative circumstances. Joy does not come from having things, or being comfortable. Sure, it can make you momentarily happy. But a deep, abiding joy only comes from knowing the Lord. It's hard to describe if you don't have that. But even in the midst of cancer, in my darkest moments, I can say that I had the joy of the Lord. Not even cancer could take that away from me. In fact, having cancer actually made me realize what a gift I have been given in Christ. That the Creator of the universe, my Lord, has been by my side helping me get through this entire ordeal. Maybe some would be angry that God let them get cancer in the first place.  Honestly, I've never thought this way. Trials happen to everyone. I see this as an opportunity to be refined. Yes, it hurts. But I am being brought closer to my Lord. I can find joy in that.

So how can you find joy when you are in the middle of something really hard? When I was having a difficult time during treatment, I found it very helpful to count my blessings. Yes, I know that sounds corny. But it worked. Here was my list from about a year ago, when I was in the middle of chemo:

I'm thankful that:

• I found the lump under my arm when I did. 
• My family supported me throughout this trial.
• I have a wonderful family in Christ that has lifted me up in prayer continually
• The advancements in breast cancer treatment make a diagnosis not necessarily a death sentence. I'm also thankful that I have access to treatment.
• That I am the one with cancer, and not one of my kids.
• For having the Lord by my side at all times, giving me the strength to press on.

What if the worst was to happen? What if I die from cancer? I know where I am going-I'll be with Jesus in glory. While the temporary separation from my loved ones would be hard, ultimately the ones I love that also are in Christ will be with me for eternity. We can't even conceive of how amazing this is going to be!

BE READY
I did not know that cancer was coming. But God did. He knew all about it before I was even born. We all will face various trials in our lives. They may be physical, spiritual, or mental. We need to be strong physically and spiritually so that we can meet these trials head-on.  We need to be good stewards of what He has given us.

In my case, I am so thankful that God planted the desire to get into physical shape before my diagnosis. I was at the strongest I've ever been in my life when I was diagnosed. Having that outlet of exercise has not only been good for my prognosis, but helped me get through treatment. It would have been a much different story if I was not in shape at the outset.

So why not make efforts to be healthier now?  It can't hurt. Exercise helps with a range of physical problems. It also helps prevent so many health issues. God made our bodies to move and exert themselves. Our lifestyle in modern America has made it so we don't have to move much to provide for our immediate needs. Unfortunately, in so doing, we aren't providing for our bodies' need for movement. I urge everyone to do what they can to get some exercise every day.  Eat more vegetables. Eat less processed food. Cut out sodas. Eat organic as much as you can, especially the "dirty dozen" fruits and vegetables that have the most pesticide residues on them.

You don't know what is coming your way. It could be a physical trial, like cancer. Or it could be spiritual one. Be a good steward of your body and be in God's Word. No matter what, it will equip you for whatever is coming. God willing, nothing "bad" will happen. In that case, you will still feel better and be stronger and healthier than you were before.

GOD WILL NOT PUT A TRIAL IN YOUR PATH THAT HE WILL NOT EQUIP YOU FOR AND EMPOWER YOU TO SEE THROUGH
God knew this was coming and He got me ready beforehand. He "flipped the switch" in my heart to want to lose weight and get into shape. We made changes in our insurance coverage just a month before my diagnosis that were more advantageous to us financially to pay for my treatment. Even Eric took it upon himself in the year before my diagnosis to learn about cancer.

I made it through my treatment fairly well. Yes, there were hard times. I don't want to make light of it and make it sound like it was a breeze. It wasn't. It hurt. It was hard. But I made it through.

Here's the thing. It had nothing to do with me. It had EVERYTHING to do with the Lord. HE is the one that showered me with blessing and grace. It was all HIM. The Bible says, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I'm in awe of how God has worked in my life in the past 18 months. I don't believe in luck or coincidence.

In the end, there are higher purposes at work in everything. God promises that He will work out ALL things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. (Romans 8:28)  In my cancer, there are purposes in all of this that He wants. Those that are for my own good. To make me better, more like Him. I don't understand what these are, nor should I. His ways are higher than mine.  All I can do is trust in Him. I've experienced His love and grace throughout this time to know that He is for real. How can I not trust the rest of what He has promised? He has not failed me yet, nor will He.

My all and all

I love worship time at our church, Calvary Chapel of Escondido.  I've always enjoyed singing, even as a kid. I wasn't ever a soloist type of singer, but I could keep my own in a chorus.  But there is something even more special about being part of a chorus of  raised voices to the Lord.

On Sundays, the service usually starts out with a couple of songs, then we pause for announcements and a few minutes to greet the people sitting near you.  Yesterday, during the "meet and greet" a friend asked me if I was all over the lymphedema. I explained that it never really goes away, you just learn to live with it, recognize swelling, and treat it yourself. She made a comment about it being like the "stones of remembrance"  and we both turned to greet others. But the comment kind of stuck in my head for a few minutes.  At first I didn't get it.  In the Old Testament, the prophet Samuel used stones as a physical way to remind the children of Israel about God's faithfulness and goodness.It says in First Samuel 7:12 says that when God enabled the Israelites to defeat the Philistines, the Prophet Samuel “took a stone and … named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far has the Lord helped us.’”  Okay, that's all well and good for the ancient Israelites. But what does that have to do with me?

I started thinking about the other physical "stones" of remembrance that I have as a result of the past 13 months. The physical is the most obvious. My short and increasingly unruly curly hair regrowth.  Or the two huge scars on my chest, a smaller vertical one near my right armpit.

After announcements, there is a longer stretch of worship.  It starts out as just singing.  I can let it stay that way, just me singing words that are projected onto a screen.  It is easy to let the mind wander to other things and just go through the motions.  Or set up mental walls that prevent the Holy Spirit from really ministering to you.  Sometimes, it turns into something much more. Something that I can't even really describe in words.  This past Sunday, any mental walls or walls that I had built up around my heart were completely obliterated by the Holy Spirit.  

We were singing a song that was new to me, called "My All and All"  by Frank Hernandez & Sherry Saunders Powell

These are the words:

My All In All

You are my strength, O God

You are my help, O God

You are the One on Whom I call

You are my shield, O God

My life I yield, O God

For You will ever be my All in All

Simple.  

But as I sang it, a tear or two started to roll.  Now, that is not unusual for me during worship.  But as I started reflecting on the various "stones of remembrance" that I have (both physical and experientially), I just lost it.  God has been SO good to me through this journey.  During my scariest moments, He was there with me. He did not leave me forsaken and alone. 

Just a few examples:

I have such a vivid memory (a "stone," if you will), of the double biopsy I had. I wasn't expecting to be biopsied that morning. I just thought I'd go in for an ultrasound and be told it was just a cyst and dense tissue. After all, I had a "clear" mammogram the month before. Except this time, the doctor couldn't figure out what she was seeing on my left breast.  By God's timing, she just happened to have time that morning to biopsy both the breast and the lump under my arm. As I waited outside while they prepped the room, my Aunt Meg posted a verse on Facebook from John 16:33: In this world you will have much trouble, but have no fear, I have overcome the world. Perfect timing.  God's timing.  As I lay with a huge needle probing my flesh, I did not feel pain.  Instead, I remembered God's promise from Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you you. Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope.  A future and a hope. I was not alone.

When I was waiting to see my oncologist for the first time, I was playing around with an app on my iPhone that "randomly" spits out a verse. I set the spinner on the topic of "fear" and pushed the button. The verse "You will not die" popped up.  I can't remember exactly where that came from in Scripture, but it was a message given to me that day. 

These are just a few examples.  

As we repeated this simple and beautiful song a couple of times, I just had to stop singing. I couldn't anymore because I was literally sobbing. I couldn't help it.  It was such an amazing moment of God's love coming down and piercing my heart.  Showing me how good He is, even by allowing me to go through breast cancer.  How much He loves me, and making me feel it.  Palpably. Even though I haven't been as faithful to my daily devotions during this time, He did not leave me. He was there the whole time, whether I sought Him out or not. Waiting for me, giving me strength, helping me get through this ordeal. I didn't care if anyone saw me.  It was as if God and I were alone in His throne room and He was wrapping his arms around me, soothing me.  Even when I didn't realize I needed it, He did. Abba. Words don't even really do the moment justice. 

Wouldn't you know it, I didn't have a tissue and neglected to grab one as I entered the sanctuary. 

I can't say that I am happy to be someone who has had cancer.  I still have moments of sheer terror and a sinking feeling in my gut that it might come back.  Or I'll feel a pain in my body somewhere...oh no...is "it" back having moved to the liver or bones?  I think most cancer survivors have those thoughts and I'm no exception. 

But I can be joyful in the situation because the Lord is my all and all.

Blessed!

I was so blessed by everyone at church today.  Everyone was so kind and nice.  There were people who didn't know until today about my battle, and those that already knew were just so kind.  It really was a wonderful and uplifting time to have everyone be so nice.  That's not to say people at church aren't normally kind!  But seriously, the fellowship at Calvary Chapel Escondido is simply amazing.  If you are local and need a place to worship, fellowship and learn more about the bible, check it out.  It's right off the 15 freeway at El Norte Parkway.

I also met a breast cancer survivor this morning.  It was a lady that I'd met before during the "meet and greet" portion of the service where you introduce yourself to folks around you.  Hers was a familiar face, but I had no idea she had fought breast cancer.  I remember awhile back her hair being short, but was totally clueless as to why.  It's funny now how I zero in on stuff like that.  Either super short hair, or something on the head (without obvious hair).  I can't help but thing.....cancer!  But before June, I was oblivious.  It was great to make that connection.  As it turns out, she also had Kaiser.  She knew the nurse that I have (the one who is a Christian as well).  She also told me that our nurse had also taken care of our former pastor's wife several years ago. Joyce fought breast cancer for a good 3 years before going home to the Lord.  I'm looking forward to my chemo appointment on Friday to chat with the nurse about our mutual friends and sisters!

The potty training is going well, thank you Jesus!  Today there were no accidents.  He even stayed dry during church.  I put him on the big potty right as I dropped him off, and right as I picked him up.  He was a little worried about falling in, but he leaned forward and held onto me.  It's going very well!

This week is sure to be a busy one.  Tuesday, Olivier has a court of honor for his boy scout troop.  Wednesday is Isabelle's first day of band.  At some point in the next week, I need to get her a flute.  Olivier also has a "test" in karate to advance to the next belt level-something he has been looking forward to since starting in March.  He'll finally get a colored belt instead of white!  On top of that is homework, piano, and my medical appointments!  I'm sure Friday will be here before I know it.

My prayer requests:

• That the potty training continue to go well.  That Eric and I have the patience needed to continue it.  We've jumped off the cliff, and there is no turning back.  I just pray that we don't get upset over the inevitable accidents and make the process go backward. 
• That my blood work on Thursday show that I am healthy to go forward with chemo on Friday.
• That any cancer cells in my body DISAPPEAR!  If they are there, that the chemo drugs disrupt their cycle and they DIE.

The Women's Health Store

Today I went and got my post-surgery camisoles. The store is just a block away from my church, Calvary Chapel of Escondido.

Judy, from Kaiser, had called in the authorization for me. Kaiser will provide 2 of the camisoles for me. There was some insurance paperwork to fill out and sign. The lady who worked there commented that the paperwork will only get worse. I'm pretty sure she was referring to the changes coming down from the federal government getting more involved in health care.

The store itself had a lot of interesting things. Compression bands, which I'll probably need for my left arm if I ever travel by air to prevent swelling. They had lots of nice hats, scarves, bandanna and wigs. I'm definitely going to go back there after surgery. I feel a little awkward trying on these things at this point. At least the wigs there had modern styles to them. They also had a bunch of mastectomy bras and swimwear. These garments have little pockets that you can slip your foob into. The lady who worked there was very nice. She asked me what size I usually wear. I had to think a bit, since I've changed sizes so much in the last year. I explained my hesitation and said maybe a 6. She asked what diet I did to lose the weight. When I mentioned Jillian Michaels, she got all excited and said she just bought her book, "Master Your Metabolism." We chatted a bit about it. I explained that the food wasn't really a diet, but changing your eating habits to clean, organic, whole foods. Plus, the exercise...hard exercise, was key as well. It was nice to hear her say she couldn't imagine me not being "so tiny." You have no idea how strange it is to hear someone describe me in that way.

Anyway, she took me to the back and showed me the camisole. I tried a small size on. It was snug, but it is supposed to be. I told her without boobs, it won't be as tight. I took 2 pairs, one in white the other beige. I also got to hold one of the prosthetics for the first time. Yesterday they looked so heavy. The first one I picked up did, but she said it was a big size. She handed me one that would work better on me. It felt really strange. Kind of like a water balloon that is flat on one side and filled with toothpaste. Kind of freaky. This may sound bizarre, but I wonder how much weight I'll "lose" from the mastectomy. It's one heck of a way to lose those last stubborn pounds. The prosthetic fitting should be interesting. Stay tuned.

They mentioned that they have a breast cancer support group that meets at the store. In fact, they have a meeting tomorrow night at 6 p.m. I'm not sure if I'll go or not. There is also a local support group that a friend from church informed me of. They are meeting tonight...I'm missing it. I definitely want to go to these, its just hard with the family, kids, and dinner time to get to things in the evening. But I do want to connect with other women dealing with cancer, especially breast cancer. I've always found the support and knowledge gained from other women who have been in similar situations to be very helpful. So I know I'll end up going. I just don't know if it will be tomorrow.

Let's get this show on the road already!

Waiting is so hard. Last week, it felt like every day we were doing something each day to fight this thing. I told myself on Friday that I wanted to enjoy each day as much as possible outside of cancer. To do things actively with the kids while I still could. We went to the movies for the past 2 days and had a good time. (Okay, that isn't very active...but I did promise to take them to Karate Kid, and on Friday it was just serendipity that one of Isabelle's friends' moms invited a bunch of kids to see Toy Story 3). I was able to escape for awhile each time, but about 2/3 through the movie cancer thoughts came back into my mind.

Today is Father's Day. I am so thankful for my own dad. This can't be easy for him. My parents are such rocks. I am so blessed and couldn't ask for anything more in the parent department. I know if one of my kids had cancer, I would be torn up inside. Not only are they facing my disease with me, my youngest brother is in Mosul, Iraq with the 3rd infantry division. My sister and sister in law are both expecting babies pretty much any day now. The babies are happy events, sure. But still life changers. Wild time for Clan Graham.

But back to my subject. The only thing I could do for the past couple days to feel like I am fighting is work out. Always before, the focus of my workouts was getting thin. Jillian's workouts are no joke. When I would feel like giving up during insane cardio intervals, I would imagine Jillian in my face screaming at me. Now when I work out, I feel like a soldier in training. It's PT time. Like Colonel Hackworth would say, "More sweat on the training field = less blood on the battlefield."

I am in a waiting period right now. Waiting on results from the PET scan. Waiting on the oncology appointment, which is currently set for Friday. Waiting on an MRI appointment. Waiting for Kaiser to get my mammogram films together for me to take to UCSD for the MRI. I just want to get this started NOW. I think I will call tomorrow and see if the oncology consult could be moved up in the week. If I could get some chemo going this week that would make me feel like I was taking the fight to the enemy. Cancer cells could be wreaking havoc in my body, multiplying and making themselves at home. They need to be dealt with NOW!

As I type the list of all the things I am waiting for, I realize I must wait on the Lord. It will all happen on His time table and on His schedule. Sigh. He knows what is best for me. There was a verse earlier in the week I read about waiting on the Lord that escapes me right now. Something about waiting on Him and being courageous. I don't have time right now to look it up. Heck, it may have been one of those Psalms from the other day. :-)

I've got to go now. Time for church. I look forward to seeing everyone this morning. The Calvary Escondido family has been awesome in their love and support.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!