My all and all

I love worship time at our church, Calvary Chapel of Escondido.  I've always enjoyed singing, even as a kid. I wasn't ever a soloist type of singer, but I could keep my own in a chorus.  But there is something even more special about being part of a chorus of  raised voices to the Lord.

On Sundays, the service usually starts out with a couple of songs, then we pause for announcements and a few minutes to greet the people sitting near you.  Yesterday, during the "meet and greet" a friend asked me if I was all over the lymphedema. I explained that it never really goes away, you just learn to live with it, recognize swelling, and treat it yourself. She made a comment about it being like the "stones of remembrance"  and we both turned to greet others. But the comment kind of stuck in my head for a few minutes.  At first I didn't get it.  In the Old Testament, the prophet Samuel used stones as a physical way to remind the children of Israel about God's faithfulness and goodness.It says in First Samuel 7:12 says that when God enabled the Israelites to defeat the Philistines, the Prophet Samuel “took a stone and … named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far has the Lord helped us.’”  Okay, that's all well and good for the ancient Israelites. But what does that have to do with me?

I started thinking about the other physical "stones" of remembrance that I have as a result of the past 13 months. The physical is the most obvious. My short and increasingly unruly curly hair regrowth.  Or the two huge scars on my chest, a smaller vertical one near my right armpit.

After announcements, there is a longer stretch of worship.  It starts out as just singing.  I can let it stay that way, just me singing words that are projected onto a screen.  It is easy to let the mind wander to other things and just go through the motions.  Or set up mental walls that prevent the Holy Spirit from really ministering to you.  Sometimes, it turns into something much more. Something that I can't even really describe in words.  This past Sunday, any mental walls or walls that I had built up around my heart were completely obliterated by the Holy Spirit.  

We were singing a song that was new to me, called "My All and All"  by Frank Hernandez & Sherry Saunders Powell

These are the words:

My All In All

You are my strength, O God

You are my help, O God

You are the One on Whom I call

You are my shield, O God

My life I yield, O God

For You will ever be my All in All

Simple.  

But as I sang it, a tear or two started to roll.  Now, that is not unusual for me during worship.  But as I started reflecting on the various "stones of remembrance" that I have (both physical and experientially), I just lost it.  God has been SO good to me through this journey.  During my scariest moments, He was there with me. He did not leave me forsaken and alone. 

Just a few examples:

I have such a vivid memory (a "stone," if you will), of the double biopsy I had. I wasn't expecting to be biopsied that morning. I just thought I'd go in for an ultrasound and be told it was just a cyst and dense tissue. After all, I had a "clear" mammogram the month before. Except this time, the doctor couldn't figure out what she was seeing on my left breast.  By God's timing, she just happened to have time that morning to biopsy both the breast and the lump under my arm. As I waited outside while they prepped the room, my Aunt Meg posted a verse on Facebook from John 16:33: In this world you will have much trouble, but have no fear, I have overcome the world. Perfect timing.  God's timing.  As I lay with a huge needle probing my flesh, I did not feel pain.  Instead, I remembered God's promise from Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you you. Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope.  A future and a hope. I was not alone.

When I was waiting to see my oncologist for the first time, I was playing around with an app on my iPhone that "randomly" spits out a verse. I set the spinner on the topic of "fear" and pushed the button. The verse "You will not die" popped up.  I can't remember exactly where that came from in Scripture, but it was a message given to me that day. 

These are just a few examples.  

As we repeated this simple and beautiful song a couple of times, I just had to stop singing. I couldn't anymore because I was literally sobbing. I couldn't help it.  It was such an amazing moment of God's love coming down and piercing my heart.  Showing me how good He is, even by allowing me to go through breast cancer.  How much He loves me, and making me feel it.  Palpably. Even though I haven't been as faithful to my daily devotions during this time, He did not leave me. He was there the whole time, whether I sought Him out or not. Waiting for me, giving me strength, helping me get through this ordeal. I didn't care if anyone saw me.  It was as if God and I were alone in His throne room and He was wrapping his arms around me, soothing me.  Even when I didn't realize I needed it, He did. Abba. Words don't even really do the moment justice. 

Wouldn't you know it, I didn't have a tissue and neglected to grab one as I entered the sanctuary. 

I can't say that I am happy to be someone who has had cancer.  I still have moments of sheer terror and a sinking feeling in my gut that it might come back.  Or I'll feel a pain in my body somewhere...oh no...is "it" back having moved to the liver or bones?  I think most cancer survivors have those thoughts and I'm no exception. 

But I can be joyful in the situation because the Lord is my all and all.

Just about half way

I got a surprise this morning at the radiation office.  A referral for another set of blood work. Lucky me! He said they needed to get my blood counts now that we are about half way through my radiation treatment. I need to get them as soon as possible. It's a busy few days right now, I don't think I'll have time to get it done until Thursday.

Half way?  Already?  Today was treatment number 16 out of 33.  It is going by pretty quickly.   Traveling every day to Escondido to get zapped definitely adds another component to an already busy schedule.  But as they say, time flies when you are having fun. Right?

I'm doing pretty well, considering. The aloe seems to be helping. I'm not having too much discomfort or burning feeling yet. There is increased redness in the area, but it isn't too bad.  My arm swelling seems to be under control as well, even with my "day off" on Sunday. I continue to bandage at night and wear the sleeve during the day. I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow morning and we will measure to see how I'm doing. I also continue to exercise about 6 days a week.  Not only does it keep me sane, it helps me stay strong to fight this fight.

I also am taking some natural supplements that were recommended in an article on natural remedies for lymphedema that a friend, (Tamara from Natural Health Solutions), sent me. I'm taking bromelain, horse-chestnut extract, and rutin twice a day.  

Where bromelain comes from

Buckwheat contains a bioflavonoid called rutin

Horse chestnut

One thing that I am sure is continuing to help me is your prayers. I am so blessed by you all.  Today at Bible study, two different women told me how inspirational I was.  I do hope I can help others as I go through this, but I take absolutely no credit in that. It all is the work of God in my life. I am weak, He is strong. If it wasn't for His grace and faithfulness, I would be a quivering heap of fear and despair. I am so thankful that God has not forgotten me.  That He hears me when I call on Him, even if I haven't been faithful in my devotions and prayers. Any inspiration that I may give I want to give credit to the One who has given me the strength to wake up each morning and fight this fight. I pray that everyone would grow closer in their relationship with Jesus as they see Him help me along this road.

Tears in a bottle

I woke up earlier than usual this morning. When I got up at 5 a.m. for what was supposed to be a potty break, I rubbed my left eye and ended up wrinkling my contact lens into the corner of my eye. I tried to go back to sleep and just ignore it until 6 a.m. When Eric got up at 5:30, I got up and fixed my contact and decided to use the extra time for prayer.

It had been several days since I had come before the Lord. I pray throughout the day as I'm doing my daily activities. Kind of a running talk with God. But I hadn't sat down before Him and focused on what I was saying. I'm such a bad kid. After all He has done for me, I can't set aside the time to simply talk to Him and read His word a few minutes?

I started off with thanking Him for allowing me to get through the night without pain meds. Yep, that's right. Last night I took Advil instead of the pain med. I thanked Him for getting me through the night and asked that He would get me through the day as well. I know He will. And then it happened. The floodgates opened. Tears began springing from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. Not sad tears. I kind of think of them as holy spirit tears. It happens to me sometimes when I feel the Spirit close. It blew my mind because it happened almost immediately. I didn't have to "warm up" or anything. It was like God was sitting right there waiting for me to say Hi. And the second I did, He just showered me with love, comfort, peace and understanding.

The more I thought about how good He was to be waiting for me, the more the tears came. All I had to do was turn to Him and He was there. He is so faithful, and I am not. I'm so glad that God is not like me. If someone I loved blew me off, would I be there waiting at a moments notice to shower them with love? Or would I be aloof and make them do something to prove their love to me before I would give them the time of day?

It felt so good to just sit there and marinade in the Holy Spirit. Without words, just lifting all of my cares, concerns, worries to Him. Tears streaming down my face. Knowing that God takes account of every little thing about me...even the number of my tears. The tears that He collects into a bottle (Psalm 56:8). He knows everything about me. He protected me throughout my life, during some pretty stupid actions on my part to bring me to this place. He cares for me and will not leave me alone in this time.

I opened up my Bible at random. My eyes settled on Psalm 37. It was like a personal message delivered just to me. It's a pretty long Psalm, too long to put down in its entirety here. But I'll share some of the highlights. For me, the "enemy" and "evildoers" refers to is my cancer. Of course, it is Satan as well. Satan would love to use my cancer as a way for me to turn from the Lord, to curse His name.

1 Do not fret because of evildoers,

Nor be nevious of the workers of iniquity.

2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, (chemo is on the way)

And wither as the green herb.

3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;

Dwell inthe land, and feed on

His faithfulness.

4 Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him,

And He shall bring it to pass.

6 He shall bring forth your

righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

7 Rest in the Lord, and wait

patiently for Him;

Do not fret because of him who

prospers in his way (the cancer cells who may be prospering in my body right now)

Because of the man who brings

wicked schemes to pass.

8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;

Do not fret--it only causes harm.

9 For evildoers shall be cut off;

but those who wait on the Lord,

They shall inherit the earth.

10 For yet a little while and the

wicked shall be no more; (chemo will knock those cancer cells out)

Indeed, you will look carefully

for his place,

But it shall be no more.

11 But the meek shall inherit the hearth,

And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

The Psalm is wonderful. It describes how the wicked cancer is doing its best to slay me, but how God will prevail and deliver me from them. It ends beautifully:

29 But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

He is their strength in the time of trouble.

40 And the Lord shall help them

and deliver them;

He shall deliver them from the wicked,

And save them,

Because they trust in Him.

Amen! No matter what happens on this journey, God is my salvation. He knows the number of my days on this earth. He has me here fighting this fight for a purpose. May I be faithful to Him. I'll never be as faithful as He is to me. He is my strength, my shield, and my song. Cancer is hard. But I'm so grateful that He is with me to see me through it. I would be a complete and utter mess without Him in my life. This morning was another experiential moment at the feet of my faithful and loving Lord. I am blessed!