Slacker mom

I'm feeling pretty bad tonight. Physically, yes. It's exactly what I was expecting.  My "down" day started to hit earlier this time.  But even more so emotionally.

Isabelle was in the San Marcos Holiday Parade today with her girl scout troop.  For the first time, I wasn't able to be there.  Not even to stand on the streets and watch her go by. I spent the afternoon in bed trying to rest, but knowing that I was letting her down.  So I laid there, zoning out.  Wishing I had the energy to get out there, but knowing I didn't. All in all, a pretty crappy way to spend the afternoon.

When she came home, she seemed okay at first.  I asked her to tell me all about it, and she did have a good time.  I apologized for not being able to be there.  All the other girls had at least one parent there.  She was the last one to be picked up.  She did cry a little bit.Which made me cry a lot.  We just sat there on the couch.  Hugging and crying. It was kind of hard, because at the same time, Jean-Marc was trying to get a piece of me too, and was climbing on lap, edging her out.

I hate not being able to be out there supporting my kids like I used to be.  I know that it is temporary, but that doesn't make it any easier today.  I know that as she grows older, she will come to understand that my absence today was not by choice.

But that doesn't make it any easier today.

Out of the mouths of babes

I've tried to be open with the kids about my breast cancer. Eric and I told them less than 24 hours after we found out the diagnosis. I've wanted them to talk about how they are feeling, their fears, their questions. Anything is fair game. But they haven't really said a whole lot. Sure, when we told them on June 12, there were tears. But they swallowed them pretty quickly.

Tonight during dinner, I opened the subject of my inevitable hair loss. I wanted to prepare them mentally as best I could. (Ironic, since I find myself so unprepared, despite knowing that this day was coming.)

I asked them what they were thinking. Would they freak out at me being hairless? I want them to take it seriously, but not too much so. I don't think I want any bald jokes...unless I initiate it. Kind of like the "flat" jokes about my chest. It's okay if I say it. But not so much so for others.

Anyway, I had to crack up at the two responses I got from them. This was spontaneous, right at the beginning:

Isabelle: "You are going to be all face."

Olivier: "Now we will find out if you really have eyes on the back of your head."

Gotta love it. It made me crack up for the first time over the subject!

Trying to live

I'm in such a bizarre place right now.

First of all, a status report. I'm okay. A little tired. I got a good night of sleep, although I did take the Ativan to do it. I'm hoping to avoid that tonight. I think I may be getting a slight metallic taste in my mouth, especially when I drink water. And I've been drinking a ton of water. I know I'm supposed to, but I'm thirsty too. The metallic taste is particularly noticeable when I have carbonated water. I went to the gym for awhile this afternoon. I took it easy, keeping my heart rate below 140. I did about 35 minutes on the elliptical and 20 on the recumbent bike. I figure I can take it easy this first week after a round, and hopefully be able to increase the intensity later on. Even if I can't, I just want to keep my body moving so my metabolism doesn't completely shut down.

Other than some fatigue, I feel pretty normal. But my mind is so wrapped up in cancer. I need to find a way to LIVE each day. Not just be consumed with every little twinge. In the shower today, my scalp felt a little sensitive. Now I've read that your scalp tingles before the hair falls out, so I was thinking, "Wow! Is this it?" I don't think so, its still kind of early. But its the next thing to "look forward" to, so I'm anticipating it. Paranoia, anyone?

This is the kids' last week of summer vacation. If I continue to feel okay, I should do some fun things with them. But a part of me just wants to be able to not do anything else but just take care of myself and myself alone. I feel kind of selfish. I just feel like focusing on MY day: getting exercise; getting rest. Reading a book. Watching a movie. Eating what I want. Not having to worry about everyone else around me. But I can't. I still have mommy duties. Especially since Eric is on a business trip this week. I can't check out, I need to do even more. I feel bad even voicing this selfish stuff. Its ugly. I love my kids, I just don't want to have to deal with them right now. How terrible is that? If I was knocked out sick, it would almost be easier. At least I wouldn't feel guilty because I would just not be physically capable of doing things.

Don't get me wrong--I don't want to be sick! I'm very thankful that I seem to be handling this as well as I am. I am not taking any of it for granted. It is a gift from God, and a direct answer to prayers. I thank you all for your continued prayers and support for my family and I.

My prayer requests:

• That the kids and I enjoy each other's company tomorrow. That we do something fun and lively. That I can snap out of this selfish funk. I don't like it. I want to be a fun mom, not a selfish one.
• That my family be resistant to infections. Tomorrow, I start a week of prophylactic antibiotic Cipro because my white blood cell counts are probably lower. It's more than just me-everyone around me needs to stay well so they don't make me sick.
• That this chemo work on any remaining cancer in my body.

Not always so rosy

I don't want to sound like this is a breeze, because its definitely not. People keep telling me how good I look. I don't know what to compare it to. I've always been one to put on a brave face and not really show how much things hurt/bother/upset me. Even now. Part of it is the way I deal with things internally. Maybe those close to me could say otherwise, but I don't think I've ever been one to wallow in my own misery and circumstances. When things are bad, I try to look to see what I can do to make it better and then set out on that course.

I've tried to do that with breast cancer. Most days, I think I pull myself out of the "dark side." I'm frustrated at the moment, because there really isn't anything I can "do" to get better right now. My life right now is all about pain management and that stinks.

I can't exercise too much. Mom and I went for a walk around the lake yesterday. It was about 2.25 miles. I was hoping to feel like I got a workout, but it didn't. Moving the muscles can't be bad, but I didn't get that endorphin dump like I used to. Not one drop of sweat. I started my post-op exercises yesterday in earnest. It felt good to feel a slight pull on the muscles in my upper body. But I ended up in a lot of pain yesterday. Did I overdo it with the little bit that I did? Should I take more painkillers? I took a total of 5 yesterday. The maximum dose per day is 12. This may sound silly, but in a way, taking more painkillers feels like taking a step back. But I don't want as much pain as I had yesterday.

I can't hug my kids. This really is hard. The older 2 understand and give me "neck hugs." Jean-Marc is only 2. My mother in law is here to keep him busy. I know he's having fun days. But in the evenings, he's fussy and just wants me. It's hard because that is the time of day when I am tired and in more pain too. I can sit there and watch her bathe him, change him, carry him, etc. But I can't do it myself. How I miss those pudgy hugs! Is he going to get used to not having mom take care of him? He has no idea what is going on. All he knows is that he's not getting the hugs and attention from me that he is used to.

I can't take care of my household. I'm probably like most women in that I am used to taking care of all of the details of the house. You don't really know how many of those there are until you can't do them. You do them without thinking. Right now, I can't lift anything over 5 pounds. I can't drive. That rules out most household activities. It's a mixed blessing. Who wants to do that stuff, anyway? But as things pile up, I can tell the tension pile up in the house as well. Eric and his mom are here to do stuff, but they don't do it like I would. I just have to bite my tongue and be grateful that things are approaching getting done at all. But then there are times (like now) when I think Eric resents it too. It's not my fault! Hey-if I could do it right, I would. I ask him what is wrong, and he says "nothing" but I know that's not true. Whatever. I don't have the energy to figure out what is being said between very few lines.

As I read this over, I'm a little disgusted with myself. It sounds like a one-woman pity party. But that is where I am this morning.

My prayer requests:

• That I be content with what I have and where I am.
• That my body continue to heal. Specifically, that the fluid that would have been going to the drains disperse in my body without building up. That the pain subside. I'm so tired of popping pain pills.
• That the kids have a fun day.