Blessings

Thank the Lord that this round of chemo seems to be going like the last four.  That is, after a yucky Monday (day 4), today is better. I got a good night of sleep last night and woke to a crisp and bright fall day.  I decided to be joyful in the day and remembered the Psalm that declares "This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."  (Psalm 118:24)

I think it helps to set your mind on something sometimes.  I may not immediately feel a particular way, but if I set my mind on something, like being joyful in the day, my body and spirit will follow.

It truly has been a godsend to have Jean-Marc with my mom for the past two days.  I am looking forward to having him come back now, and can be "present" with him and not irritated.  Thank you, Mom! It has made a world of difference.

I enjoyed a power walk with some friends this morning.  What a difference to not have to push a stroller!  Not that I mind doing that, it actually helps the workout.  It was nice to walk and chat, and enjoy the beautiful morning and sunshine.

Another praise report is that my forearm didn't bruise from the IV last week.  That also has helped me feel better.  I hated to look down and see a battered and bruised up arm for a week and a half.  It made me feel like a victim, a sick person.

I realized that it has only been a little over 5 months since I was diagnosed.  Doesn't it seem like so much longer??  I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving next week.  I have so much to be thankful for.  This year has not been easy, but still.  It could be so much worse. I thank God for all of the blessings in my life.  Off the top of my head, they include the following:

• I'm thankful that I found the lump in my left armpit when I did back in May. I was given a "clean" mammogram in April. Clearly, it wasn't.  It was providential that I found the lump myself, and I wasn't even doing a self-exam at the time. If I hadn't, I would have gone at least another year (or more) without a mammogram.  The stage 3 could have easily been stage 4 by then.
• I'm thankful for my family. Not just my husband, kids and parents.  Of course, they have been amazing during this time.  I could not have made it this far as well without them.  I'm also thankful that my brother made it home safely from his third tour of duty in Iraq.  He will be flying into San Diego on Monday. It will be nice to have him home for the holiday.  My other brother will have custody of his kids and they will all be up for Thanksgiving.  I've been blessed with a new niece and nephew this year too.  We will miss my sister and her family, but are definitely looking forward to her visit in February.  And just think, Tara...I should be DONE with cancer treatment by then. (Other than the years of hormonal treatment, that is.) I may even have a little bit of hair!
• I'm thankful for my family in Christ. I was just telling a friend at school today how wonderful the fellowship at Calvary Chapel Escondido is.  I didn't even really understand the depths until 5 months ago. Not just those at CC Escondido, but overall.  I've run into brothers and sisters in the hospital, at school, in the chemo ward, and elsewhere.  I'm being prayed for by folks I've never met and I'm so thankful for that fellowship that we share. 
• I'm thankful for all of my friends, wherever they are. I've had so much support from everyone both "in real life" and online. I know I haven't always responded to the wonderful messages that people have sent me, or the cards I have received.  But I cherish them all and am thankful to have these people in my life. 
• This may be selfish, but I'm thankful that the holiday is timed right for my treatment.  I'll be off the Cipro, my taste buds should be coming back and I should be feeling pretty well by Thanksgiving.  Christmas is also timed well...I'll be 3 weeks out of chemo altogether!  I feel like totally decking our house out for Christmas this year.  We haven't put outside lights up for several years, but I feel like changing that.  Celebrate!
• I'm thankful for the advances that have been made in breast cancer treatment over the past decades. I'm thankful that I have access to these treatments. 
• I'm thankful that it is me who has cancer and not one of my kids. I can deal with it, but the thought of having to watch one of my babies go through it is unimaginable. 
• I'm thankful for the strength that God continues to give me.  People tell me how well I am doing with the chemo, being able to exercise and all. I am not coping with this on my own, far from it.  I pray all the time that God would renew my strength, that He would lift me up on wings like eagles, that He would help me run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.  He answers that prayer daily.  (By the way, I love praying the Word of God. You know you are definitely praying His will and His promises and it will not return void!) 

There are many more things that I am thankful for.  This is just a list to open the season with.  It helps me cope to meditate on the blessings rather than the hardships in my present situation.  I need to remind myself: its only temporary; its only temporary; its only temporary.  On the other hand, the blessings of God are eternal!

Being joyful

How am I feeling today, round 4 day 2? I'm a little tired. I can feel the "chemo fog" moving in. I have one more day on the steroid, which is giving me energy that I need to be careful not to tap too much into.  It's a fine balance, because I don't want to stop moving altogether and falling into a pit of lethargy. For me, it is important to do something physical every day. Mentally, it reminds myself that I am strong. Physically, it releases endorphins and helps with fatigue that chemo brings on.  But there is a struggle not to give into feeling sorry for myself or gloomy, waiting for the ax to fall as it were.

My activity today was to take Jean-Marc and Lucie (our dog) on a 1 hour walk in the neighborhood. There are several hills, so it was easy to break a small sweat. While walking, I was listening to a sermon from a church up in Carpenteria, CA called Reality. The topic was on overview of Phillipians. I've always loved verses from that book, so I thought why not listen to the sermon?  Some of my life verses are:

• ⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7, New King James Version)
•  ¹³ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  
  (Philippians 4:13, New King James Version)

There are lots of other great and empowering verses in the book.  As an overview, the pastor mentioned that the book is about JOY.  Having joy in Christ. These verses from chapter 4 kind of skip over a fundamental truth that is revealed earlier in the book:  that joy and its power comes after you are in Christ.  The apostle Paul was writing this book from prison in Rome.  He wasn't living an easy life at the time-he was in bondage.  Yet he was filled with joy and expressed it in this letter to his friends. It is easy to blow off someone who sings about sunshine and lollipops when their lives are all rosy and fine. Perhaps we take a closer listen when that person is not in a place of comfort.  It gave me a lot to think about on my walk. 

About 30 minutes later, I was taking Isabelle to her horse riding lessons. We pass a small church on the way that has a little message on their marquee.  Today's message was, "Be joyful, even when it hurts." 

That is what I want to be. Joyful regardless of my relative circumstances. Even when it hurts. These circumstances I am in right now are temporary, whether they be good or bad. To many, my circumstances are grave. I suppose they are.  I'm in chemotherapy for stage III breast cancer.  But for the most part,  I am joyful throughout it.  When I am not, I realize it is because I am straying from God in the "busy-ness" of life. Everything is temporary: health; financial security (or insecurity); plans for the day/week/year; activities; the comfort offered by friends and family.  Don't get me wrong, I am joyful and thankful for so many things, I can only begin to enumerate here:

• The medical care I've been receiving at Kaiser has been excellent. My doctors and nurses are smart and caring and I trust them.  (Even though their administrative side is screwed up right now!)
• The concern and support from Eric. This cancer diagnosis has been hard on him too. I think it hit him harder back in June than it did me. It wasn't something that he could "fix." For me, I just had to put my head down and fight. This week he is especially stepping up since my mom is out of town. He's also going the extra mile because my birthday is next Tuesday. He has spent the last week having dents and scratches on my van repaired, plans on having it detailed (he can fix that). I am pretty sure I'll be the owner of an Amazon Kindle soon. But he's also stepping up to help with Jean-Marc so I can rest. 
• The support I've received from my family. My mom has yet to meet her second granddaughter, Kathryn Marie,  who was born last June because she needed to be here to help me get through surgery and chemo. I know that was hard on her and my sister, but they sacrificed that time for me. The prayers I know they are offering up on my behalf daily. It brings joy to my heart and gratitude that I can't even begin to express. 
• The support from my family in Christ. My church family, not only those in North County, but spread out around the world. I know I am on several prayer lists from friends and family in places far and wide.  It's not just prayer either. On Sundays, its comfort, laying on of hands, anointing with oil, encouragement and friendship. 
• The support from my friends. People have helped in so many ways: bringing meals; giving my kids rides to and from activities; asking about how I am doing; and expressing a willingness to do anything I need. 
• The opportunities this has opened for me to learn about breast cancer. To meet other survivors. To do things to raise awareness of this disease so the impact may be lessened in the future.  That was a door that God has opened for me in the past few months. 

From a relative world-point of view, I have been blessed-even in the midst of breast cancer.  I am immensely grateful for it all.  I know it all is a gift from God.  (All good things are, you know).

But there is something deeper when you talk about being "joyful." It isn't dependent on the immediate circumstances.  And that comes from knowing Christ.  He will never let me down. He has been with me every step of the way in this journey.  I remember having the biopsy back in early June. They had me topless lying on my side with a wedgie underneath my left upper back so they could get to the lymph nodes. The ultrasound tech was on my right, the radiologist on my left with a huge needle.  The doctor knew the one site was a lymph node, but had nothing but questions about the mass on my left breast.  I just closed my eyes and felt the presence of Jesus holding me in His Hand.  And he kept repeating to me "I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope."  Over and over. I was able to block out the big needle that was plunged into my side digging out chunks of my flesh to send to the lab.  I had a peace that passed understanding.

I have other examples that come to mind throughout the past several months.  In the midst of that pain, that is joy.  To have the comfort of God. The only one who really knows where I am at any time-not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.  The only one who can minister to me perfectly through His Word and presence because of that intimate knowledge of me.

The temporal things of this life may come and they may go.  People, even those closest to you, can let you down. You can't find that kind of joy in any human relationship.  But the joy from the relationship I have with Christ will last forever. To live truly is Christ and to die is gain. (Phillipians 1:21)  Yes, something will kill me. It is the same for you, too.  10 out of 10 people will die.  It may be breast cancer. Or it may be getting into an auto accident next week. Only God knows the number of our days.  That will be sad for those left here who care for me.  Thinking about that makes me want to cry.  Imagining my kids growing up without me tears my heart out. As for me, I will be face to face with Christ and still have my soul and spirit. I will know and be known to all of those in heaven.  For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.  (1 Corinthians 13:12, New King James Version)

I hope I don't come across as a Pollyanna.  Like Paul, I am in an uncomfortable place right now. But I can be joyful because of who Christ is and what He has done for me.  I urge everyone out there to be as well.  If you don't know Him, He is just waiting for you to open that door to your heart. He's been standing there knocking.

God bless you!

Shock and awe

I made quite a splash in my wig yesterday. Thank you to everyone for the sweet comments and compliments. It made me feel great. My best girlfriend Kelly and I would joke in high school about how cool it would be if everyone were bald and all you had to do in the morning was put on your wig. You know, there is something to be said for that now having lived it! My wig is what I always wished my hair would do, but it was fine and flat and would only look that way for about an hour after leaving the salon! Who knows what it will be when it grows back next Spring/Summer?

It will take some getting used to, though. After a couple hours it did get itchy and tight. I just wanted to get it OFF. I don't want to wear it every day, I like the scarf look too. I haven't even begun to really experiment with hats. It is kind of fun to be able to dramatically change your look every day. It keeps everyone on their toes. Who knows what Tonya will look like today?

So that was the shock.

Now for the awe.

Several people have said to me in the past couple days about how well I'm doing. Even that I've never looked better. When I think about it, I am surprised about it as well. I woke up a bit early this morning and as I lay in bed was pondering about this. What am I doing that is making it not so awful? Don't get me wrong-it is not easy. I'm not breezing through this. It definitely is a daily struggle and there are physical issues that I deal with all the time. But I'm not feeling like I got hit by a truck, and a part of me thinks that I should.

Then it hit me. Duh! The reason I am doing how I'm doing has nothing to do with me. It all has to do with the Lord. HE is the one that is showering me with blessing and grace. I'm not doing anything. It's all HIM. The Bible says, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) I am in awe of how God prepared me physically and spiritually for this trial. I am in awe of how I have seen Him work in the midst of it. I don't believe in luck or coincidence. I believe in divine providence, which reminds me of what I learned during my Esther bible study a year ago. (See--more preparation!) I firmly believe that God will not put a trial in your path that he will not equip and empower you to see through. There are purposes in all of this that He wants. Purposes that are for our own good. To make us better, more like Him. We may not understand what His purposes are, nor should we. His ways are higher than ours. I'm not boasting in me, but in the Lord. All I can do is look up and praise Him for all that He is doing in my life and in the lives of those around me, even in the midst of breast cancer.

I'm also in awe about how the Lord has placed me in the body of Christ. I know I am being lifted up in prayer, supported by the saints around me. They, in turn, are being His hands and feet in this trial to bring me through.

I'm a fan of the TV show, "So You Think You Can Dance." Last summer, there was a beautiful piece by coreographer Travis Wall called "Fix You." It was based on his own mother's battle with disease. I think it was some form of cancer, I'm not sure. Anyway, the male dancer in the piece is supposed to be him, and the female, his mother. If you have a few moments, here it is. It really is beautiful. Notice at the end, how she puts her feet on her son's, and he walks her through to the end of the piece, presumably (we hope) toward healing. I feel that way about this trial, although my feet are being guided by The Son, Jesus. I can lean on Him completely and let Him guide me and trust that He will heal me. I have an eternal guarantee! Check it out:

Simply put, I am once again in awe of the Lord and His ways. My life is in His hands, and I am at perfect peace with where He has led me thus far. I trust in Him and am filled.

Love and blessings to you all!

Pillows and Pathology

Day 5 post-op.

Pillows are my new best friends. I have them everywhere: upstairs; downstairs; in the car. The American Cancer Society sent me two small pillows that I tuck under my arms when I'm on the couch downstairs. Kaiser gave me a heart shaped pillow to use under the shoulder strap seat belt in the car. Up in my bedroom, I've got a big incline pillow that I sleep on. Then I've got 2 throw pillows that I tuck under each arm. Then a third pillow in the middle that my hands rest on.

Unexpectedly, my surgeon called yesterday to give me the results of the pathology report. I wasn't expecting to hear anything about the report until my post-op appointment on Wednesday. She said there were "no surprises." We go in tomorrow to see her and will get a copy of it for ourselves and go into it much deeper. But the bottom lines were:

• The right breast was clear of any tumors. That is good-that means my right lymph nodes will all stay in my body. With the left gone, these will be working overtime.
• The tumor on the left breast was 3.5 centimeters. It felt huge. I was afraid it was going to be much bigger.
• She got clear margins. She mentioned something about not needing radiation for this reason. I asked her if that meant I wouldn't need radiation at all, and she deferred to the oncologist, Dr. P.
• 5 of the 15 lymph nodes from the left side were positive for cancer. I already knew there was activity in the lymph nodes since the lump I felt was a lymph node. Because of the delay in surgery, I was afraid that all of the nodes would be positive. Having only 5 is an answer to the prayers that the cancer not spread.
• I asked her what "stage" of cancer I have. She had to scramble a bit and do some cross-referencing on the phone, but she said the factors in the pathology report put it at a 2b. Another answer to prayer. I was afraid it was a 3.

Eric did some research last night and there still is over a 50% chance that there are cancer cells floating around my body somewhere. I think he was kind of hoping that chemotherapy would not be necessary. He kept making comments over the past few days about how flawed the prophylactic use of chemo is when you don't really *know* there is cancer there. I've been resigned to the reality of chemo being in my future. But this 50% statistic is helping him come around to it as well.

With this news, I am feeling pretty good. I was holding out a little bit of dread and fear about the pathology report. To see just how "bad" it was going to be. It was the last unknown, at least for now. It helps to have the enemy unmasked and out in the open.

Dr. K said that if the drains were draining 50 cc or less each per day, she would be able to take them out tomorrow. Yesterday, 2 of the 3 did less than that. The third drain (the second one on the left) did 60 cc. We'll see how they do today. Overnight, they did not drain much. It usually picks up during the daytime. The drains are very uncomfortable. They itch and ache where they are coming out of my side. I'll be a very happy camper when they come out.

So now I am focused on recovering physically from surgery. I want to get back into as good of shape as I can before chemo starts. I know I won't be jumping into my Jillian workouts. But if I can do some cardio on the recumbent bike and keep my lower body strong, I'll be happy. I'll feel strong and ready to take chemo head-on.

My prayer requests today:

• That the drains be able to come out tomorrow. That means 50 cc or less each day. If there is more that they need to do, I want them to stay in. But if it is possible for them to come out tomorrow, it will help me rest better. I'll be able to find my new 'normal.'
• That it not hurt too bad when they take out the drains. I'm a little paranoid about this. I've been warned that it feels creepy. I can deal with a few seconds of creepy. I can deal with pain too. I'd just rather not.
• That I continue to be able to rest. Sleep is physical therapy. I can feel the renewal of energy and tissue when I wake up. Sleep is a godsend right now.
• Overall harmony in the house. It is hard being cooped up during the summer. Like all kids, mine bicker and have typical sibling rivalry. That raises the level of drama for everyone in the house. Eric and his mom get all worked up about it, sometimes seeming to take one side over the other. It just escalates. Eric also gets annoyed at what he sees as the kids' obsession with video games. They don't do it as much as he thinks, really. But he always seems to be coming down hard on them for it. Everyone just needs to chill out and cut each other some slack right now.

I want to thank everyone again for your prayers and support. I've received so many wonderful messages from so many of you. It is so encouraging and uplifting knowing that you all are out there with us in spirit. When this is all over, I want to throw a huge party and invite everyone to come and celebrate in pink and plaid!

Have a blessed day. God is good, all the time!

Blue Friday into a sunny Saturday

I'll admit it. I was bummed out all day yesterday. My morning freak-out over that educational pamphlet sent me on a downward spiral for the rest of the day. The waiting for surgery is so excruciating. I called Kasier's surgery scheduling to see if there were any cancellations that might move up my date. There wasn't. Although, she did say that my surgeon had flagged my case as a very high priority and if there was an opening, I would be one of the first people called.

I went through the motions. I did my workout in the morning. Made 3 meals for the family. Cleaned up after 3 meals for the family. I even tried to do something that would lift my mood by getting a pedicure. I went all out on it too-every option the guy suggested I went for. But I just couldn't shake that cloud.

Afterwards, I went shopping for some button up the front shirts. I'm going to be too sore to get pullovers on and off for awhile. I found nothing at Nordstrom rack. All the cute tops were PULLOVERS! I was tempted to buy for the future. But who knows what I'm going to be shaped like? I made my way over to Ross and found 3 shirts and a pair of pajamas that button up the front. They are okay. As I'm checking out, the girl says to me, "Oh, I see you are drawn to a particular style." Sheesh. If you only knew, girlie. I just let it go. I thought of my possible responses. The mild side would be, "Yeah, I'm going to be having some surgery soon." Or I could just put it out there, "I'm going to have my breasts removed because I have cancer. It's going to be hard to get on tops like I'm wearing now." I think I just said, "Yeah, I didn't have any in that style before."

It was just like that all day. Perhaps it was a form of self pity. I don't know. I just wallowed in this yuckiness all day.

This morning, I woke up early (as usual). I prayed to God that He would help me. Of course, I asked Him to keep the cancer at bay. But I needed encouragement that only my Heavenly Father could give. He led me to this:

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you.

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Behold, all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced.

They shall be as nothing.

And those who strive with you shall perish. [cancer cells]

You shall seek them and not find them. [cancer cells]

They shall be as nothing, As a non-existent thing.

For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.' "

Isaiah 41:10-13

How awesome is that? I just love how God's Word cut right to the fears of my heart. Even putting a label on my mood from yesterday-dismayed. Thats exactly what I was feeling. Then he told me not to feel that way, because He will strengthen me and help me. Then he promises that there will be ultimate victory. The cancer cells will be as nothing...as a non-existent thing. Thank you Jesus!

God's Word is true and everlasting. My feelings, my fears, my thoughts are deceptive and changing. I am led astray by stupid things like that educational booklet, or someone's offhand comment. I can allow fear to overtake me and make me forget God's promises. But if I give Him the chance-by staying in my devotions, by reading His Word, He will bring me back. Next time I'm feeling blue, I need to just stop everything and pick up my bible and spend some time with the God of all comfort.

I know that today will be a better day for me. Starting it off with such encouragement from the Lord is so wonderful. I'm going to go do Zumba this morning--one of the last times I'll be able to do it for awhile. This afternoon, I'm going to work on a couple of dishes that I'm bringing to a 4th of July party at my mom's house. All the while, I will be counting my blessings. For they are many.

His ways are above ours

I got the first full night of sleep last night since being diagnosed last Friday. I can't tell you how good that felt. (God gives his beloved sleep-Psalm 127:2) Thank you Jesus!

I woke up being so thankful to God, realizing in how many ways He has prepared my family and I for this trial. I just want to share the few that I have realized thus far:

1. My fitness fixation. For the first time in my adult life, last summer I just got the urge to finally get into shape. I've kind of been obsessed by it. I jokingly referred to it as my "mid life crisis." Until this week with all my medical tests and appointments, I don't think I missed a workout. I've been doing Jillian's level 3 circuit workouts 4 times a week, which take about 1 1/2 hours each. Then on Saturday, 30 minutes of cardio at the gym and a Zumba class. I've been eating organic produce and whole grains with very limited processed foods. Even those had to have minimal ingredients in them. I haven't had a Diet Coke since last fall. The result was losing 50 pounds. I feel strong and capable of kicking cancer's butt. But I really believe that had I not lost the weight (going down 2 cup sizes) that I would not have felt that lump a few weeks ago. Remember, the doctors were of the opinion that the mammogram and ultrasound in April put me in the clear. It would have been at least another year before it was discovered. Praise God!

2. Getting a mammogram in the first place. Again, I just got the "urge" to go get a mammogram. Kaiser did not send me a reminder. Heck, even the government is trying to change their recommendations for women to put the age to 50 to start getting routine mammograms. (Side note to young women--DO NOT WAIT! Younger women have higher death rates because it is not diagnosed early) I truly believe that God planted that desire in my heart to start focusing on breast health. I'll confess that I've never even really been good at breast self examination. I'd lie to the docs when asked. I didn't think I had a family history, and I just never bothered. Praise God!

3. Eric's self-education. My husband, Eric, works for a company that is involved in medicinal chemistry and drug discovery. He felt he needed to do some learning on his own about biology and stuff. For the past 6-9 months, he has been listening to lectures through iTunes U from MIT about....cancer. So when I was diagnosed, he knew all of these questions to ask about the pathology. He also has contacts through his work with some very impressive cancer researchers that he has been able to consult about our decisions. Praise God!

4. Changing insurance options. The kids and I have been with Kaiser for a few years. I like Kaiser. But I've wanted to open up a Health Savings Account for awhile now and just procrastinated about it. To do that would mean I would have to apply for a slightly different "HSA compatible" policy. I just didn't want to take the time. But for some reason, in May I just decided to do it. We were approved, and effective June 1, we are on a different Kaiser plan. I haven't had to make a single co-pay thus far. The old plan had a $30 co-pay for each visit, and the mammograms/ultrasounds were nearly $200. I'm not 100% sure on what our maximum out of pocket will be by the end, but if I read it correctly, it will only be a few thousand dollars. Chemo is covered. Plus, now that I have an HSA, any out of pocket expenses we do have up to $6,000 will be paid out of pre-tax dollars! Praise God!

5. My marriage. No doubt, the last week has been stressful. But it has brought Eric and I closer together as we figure out how we are going to fight this disease and raise our family at the same time. I'm discovering how much I appreciate him. I think that the concept of life without me has shaken him up too. Praise God!

6. Relationships with God. I pray that this will draw everyone closer to the Lord as we learn that we really depend on Him for every day, every breath, every heart beat. I pray that this will help Eric in his spiritual life as well. This is an area that you can also pray for. God is faithful to complete this work!

I am sure there are other ways God is working in this, these are only the ones I have realized so far. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and allowing me to see YOU on the throne rather than the trials that face me on this day.