I went through the motions. I did my workout in the morning. Made 3 meals for the family. Cleaned up after 3 meals for the family. I even tried to do something that would lift my mood by getting a pedicure. I went all out on it too-every option the guy suggested I went for. But I just couldn't shake that cloud.
Afterwards, I went shopping for some button up the front shirts. I'm going to be too sore to get pullovers on and off for awhile. I found nothing at Nordstrom rack. All the cute tops were PULLOVERS! I was tempted to buy for the future. But who knows what I'm going to be shaped like? I made my way over to Ross and found 3 shirts and a pair of pajamas that button up the front. They are okay. As I'm checking out, the girl says to me, "Oh, I see you are drawn to a particular style." Sheesh. If you only knew, girlie. I just let it go. I thought of my possible responses. The mild side would be, "Yeah, I'm going to be having some surgery soon." Or I could just put it out there, "I'm going to have my breasts removed because I have cancer. It's going to be hard to get on tops like I'm wearing now." I think I just said, "Yeah, I didn't have any in that style before."
It was just like that all day. Perhaps it was a form of self pity. I don't know. I just wallowed in this yuckiness all day.
This morning, I woke up early (as usual). I prayed to God that He would help me. Of course, I asked Him to keep the cancer at bay. But I needed encouragement that only my Heavenly Father could give. He led me to this:
"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you.
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Behold, all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced.
They shall be as nothing.
And those who strive with you shall perish. [cancer cells]
You shall seek them and not find them. [cancer cells]
They shall be as nothing, As a non-existent thing.
For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.' "
How awesome is that? I just love how God's Word cut right to the fears of my heart. Even putting a label on my mood from yesterday-dismayed. Thats exactly what I was feeling. Then he told me not to feel that way, because He will strengthen me and help me. Then he promises that there will be ultimate victory. The cancer cells will be as nothing...as a non-existent thing. Thank you Jesus!
God's Word is true and everlasting. My feelings, my fears, my thoughts are deceptive and changing. I am led astray by stupid things like that educational booklet, or someone's offhand comment. I can allow fear to overtake me and make me forget God's promises. But if I give Him the chance-by staying in my devotions, by reading His Word, He will bring me back. Next time I'm feeling blue, I need to just stop everything and pick up my bible and spend some time with the God of all comfort.
I know that today will be a better day for me. Starting it off with such encouragement from the Lord is so wonderful. I'm going to go do Zumba this morning--one of the last times I'll be able to do it for awhile. This afternoon, I'm going to work on a couple of dishes that I'm bringing to a 4th of July party at my mom's house. All the while, I will be counting my blessings. For they are many.