Freaking out

I'm freaking out this morning. It's like I can feel the tumor in my breast growing. I don't even want to look at my breast. I don't want to touch it or even feel it. It kind of reminds me about how I've felt about my cesarean scar. Except worse, because I know that there are cancer cells in there multiplying. My cesarean scar was more of a reminder of what had happened to me, what could have been. This is toxic. It could kill me if left unchecked. Ugh. I just want it GONE. I have 17 days to wait until it can be cut out.

Deep breath.

I need to pass the next 17 days without going completely insane. Our family is going to take a few days and go to Catalina. That will fill up 3 days. Maybe a change of scenery will help take my mind off of it? The kids are really excited. I just hope I don't feel like a smiling clown doll...smiling on the outside but feeling dead on the inside. (I don't know if that even makes sense!) That will leave 14 days. That is still 2 weeks to wait.

I need to think about some reasons why waiting so long could be good.

• It is allowing us to get organized in terms of care for the kids and home. My mother in law is going to come from France on the 20th (2 days before surgery), and stay with us for a few weeks. Her job is to take care of the kids and the dog. That will free up my mom to take care of me.
• It will allow me the ability to consult with a plastic surgeon about possible reconstruction down the road. I haven't decided if I want to, but at least I'll be aware of the options. Maybe it will give me encouragement if I freak out on my post-surgical body? I've seen a few pictures of post-mastectomy torsos and it gives me a feeling in my gut and I feel a rush of adrenaline. That's going to be me.
• I can get other things done that I can't do once chemo starts, and that might be uncomfortable while healing from surgery. Like getting my teeth cleaned. The kids and I have an appointment on July 9th. Getting dental work done while on chemo is not recommended due to risk of infection.
• I will be able to celebrate Jean-Marc's birthday lucid and without the pain of surgical recovery.
• I will be able to send Olivier off and see him home from Boy Scout summer camp. He's leaving on the 12th and coming home on the 17th.
• I will be able to do my own Advance Health Care Directive. I've drafted these documents for others and don't even have my own done. Gosh. I should probably do my other estate planning documents as well. It is kind of embarrassing to admit that we don't have these in place yet. It's like the old saying, "The shoemaker's children don't have any shoes."

I want to thank you all who have been praying for me. Words can't describe how it feels to know that there are so many out there interceding on my behalf. My church family at Calvary Chapel Escondido had been awesome, anointing me with oil, laying hands on me, praying, encouraging. I feel loved and cared for.

My prayer requests for today:

• That the cancer does not spread past where we know it is now. That it would even shrink or disappear. God can do that!
• That I would have some peace of mind while I wait for this surgery.
• Strength for my family: Eric; my parents; the kids. It can't be easy for them. They all are being very supportive of me and I know how draining that can be. Pray that God would renew their strength both physically, emotionally and spiritually. Everyone has put their plans on the back burner to put me to the front.
• That if it is God's will, that the surgery date be advanced. There is a bit of a timing issue because if it is past the 15th, I need to see the surgeon again for a pre-op visit. I've got that appointment scheduled for the 12th. I guess there is a law that says surgery has to be within 30 days of your visit. I also need to be able to have some additional lab work and chest X-rays done, which needs to be within a week of surgery. The lab work could be done on a walk-in basis though.

May God bless you richly today!

Blue Friday into a sunny Saturday

I'll admit it. I was bummed out all day yesterday. My morning freak-out over that educational pamphlet sent me on a downward spiral for the rest of the day. The waiting for surgery is so excruciating. I called Kasier's surgery scheduling to see if there were any cancellations that might move up my date. There wasn't. Although, she did say that my surgeon had flagged my case as a very high priority and if there was an opening, I would be one of the first people called.

I went through the motions. I did my workout in the morning. Made 3 meals for the family. Cleaned up after 3 meals for the family. I even tried to do something that would lift my mood by getting a pedicure. I went all out on it too-every option the guy suggested I went for. But I just couldn't shake that cloud.

Afterwards, I went shopping for some button up the front shirts. I'm going to be too sore to get pullovers on and off for awhile. I found nothing at Nordstrom rack. All the cute tops were PULLOVERS! I was tempted to buy for the future. But who knows what I'm going to be shaped like? I made my way over to Ross and found 3 shirts and a pair of pajamas that button up the front. They are okay. As I'm checking out, the girl says to me, "Oh, I see you are drawn to a particular style." Sheesh. If you only knew, girlie. I just let it go. I thought of my possible responses. The mild side would be, "Yeah, I'm going to be having some surgery soon." Or I could just put it out there, "I'm going to have my breasts removed because I have cancer. It's going to be hard to get on tops like I'm wearing now." I think I just said, "Yeah, I didn't have any in that style before."

It was just like that all day. Perhaps it was a form of self pity. I don't know. I just wallowed in this yuckiness all day.

This morning, I woke up early (as usual). I prayed to God that He would help me. Of course, I asked Him to keep the cancer at bay. But I needed encouragement that only my Heavenly Father could give. He led me to this:

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you.

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Behold, all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced.

They shall be as nothing.

And those who strive with you shall perish. [cancer cells]

You shall seek them and not find them. [cancer cells]

They shall be as nothing, As a non-existent thing.

For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.' "

Isaiah 41:10-13

How awesome is that? I just love how God's Word cut right to the fears of my heart. Even putting a label on my mood from yesterday-dismayed. Thats exactly what I was feeling. Then he told me not to feel that way, because He will strengthen me and help me. Then he promises that there will be ultimate victory. The cancer cells will be as nothing...as a non-existent thing. Thank you Jesus!

God's Word is true and everlasting. My feelings, my fears, my thoughts are deceptive and changing. I am led astray by stupid things like that educational booklet, or someone's offhand comment. I can allow fear to overtake me and make me forget God's promises. But if I give Him the chance-by staying in my devotions, by reading His Word, He will bring me back. Next time I'm feeling blue, I need to just stop everything and pick up my bible and spend some time with the God of all comfort.

I know that today will be a better day for me. Starting it off with such encouragement from the Lord is so wonderful. I'm going to go do Zumba this morning--one of the last times I'll be able to do it for awhile. This afternoon, I'm going to work on a couple of dishes that I'm bringing to a 4th of July party at my mom's house. All the while, I will be counting my blessings. For they are many.