Milestone

Confession time.

I have been freaking out for the past couple of weeks.  I didn't really share it with anyone because I didn't want other people to be freaking out as well. Besides, I knew it was probably all in my head. A little seed of doubt that is always present, exploited by the enemy to steal away my peace of mind, and dare I say it, my joy. Even though I knew that, I couldn't help but freak out.  I filled out a prayer request form at church a couple weeks ago and knew people were praying for me to have peace that passes all understanding. I even met with one of our pastors yesterday for prayer. I would have some periods where a few hours would go by without my worry. But it would inevitably return.

You see, it is October. Every October, I am due to "check in" with my oncologist, Dr. P.  I've noticed a pattern leading up to the appointment of increased anxiety. It seemed to be at its worst this time around. What do you do when you're freaking out in the middle of the night? Thinking that you are feeling tumors in your body, that really are your rib cage and sternum?  Are they really that bumpy? I guess without breast tissue they are.

Two and a half weeks ago, I started serious training for my first marathon in January.  The reason I bring this up is that I've been feeling the effects of the longer runs, especially in my lungs. It's not pain, just a sensation that they are being used, stretched.  But that didn't help my peace of mind at all.  After all, maybe that sensation was cancer in my lung tissue.

I wasn't really freaking out about how a recurrence would affect me. It was more playing out the scenarios in my head about how it would affect my family. I imagined Dr. P feeling around and coming to a bump and pausing with a concerned look and palpating. Then recommending further testing of some kind that would confirm my worst fear. It was back. I wondered how I would tell the kids that the cancer was back. I wondered how they would get to all their activities and school without me in the picture.  How long could I make it with mets?  Would it hurt? Would I be around for Olivier's high school graduation? What about poor Jean-Marc? What about Isabelle? To be the only girl in a house full of Jamois men. Oh la la. This is macabre, I know. But I even thought about what kind of memorial service would be held once I had gone to be with the Lord.

What a waste of energy and emotion. I knew that, but couldn't help but be drawn into that vortex of "what if."  It sucked.

So today was the big day. I went on a 14 mile training run this morning-my longest run ever. It was on my schedule, and I figured why not?  Can a sick person really run 14 miles? No. But maybe?

The appointment itself was pretty uneventful. Dr. P knows I like to run, and I mentioned that I started doing triathlons this year. He told me 3 years ago that he does tris, so we chatted about what races I had done this year as he started his exam. He felt the lymph nodes in my neck, checked my lungs and heart. Then he had me lie back while he did the palpitation part of the exam. He felt around on my chest, abdomen,  internal organs, etc.  Unlike my freak out scenarios, he did not stop. It was all over pretty quickly.

He wants me to take another estrogen level blood test to see where my levels are. As usual, I asked for a Vitamin D test too.  He recommended a pap test-I haven't had one of those for 3 years. He also said to keep popping the tamoxifen, which I'm happy to do. He said recent studies recommend taking it for 10 years. That's fine with me.

Then he said, "Well, it has been over 3 years now. That is a milestone."  Really? I didn't ask for specifics, but I'm assuming that its a milestone in the whole survivor dance.  Maybe I should have asked about it. Does that mean my chance of recurrence goes down?  Maybe I'll e-mail him and ask. Not that it really matters, but maybe it will make me less anxious come next April when I have to do this all again.

Under attack!

I'm going to be speaking at a women's ministry breakfast later this month at my church, Calvary Chapel of Escondido. (October 22nd for you locals).  I've known about the event for some time, but had been putting off preparing for it. Of course, that started to stress me out when October 1 rolled around.  Last week, I sat down and started to think about what I would share.

One reason for putting it off, frankly, was that I knew it would force me to go back and re-live the past 18 months. I also was afraid that I wouldn't have anything to say. I didn't want to sound lame, you know?

The first day I worked on it, I was very anxious. Re-living June 2010 just added to my sporadic bouts of paranoia about recurrence. It definitely put me into a funk.  But as I continued to work on it, my mood changed. Initially, it was because I was making progress and it reassured me that I wouldn't be doing it right before the event.  Not only was my talk taking shape, but I could see how it was going to go beyond just my testimony. I have a message and an exhortation that I want to give as well.  Besides, I've never been much of a procrastinator. But it went deeper than that. Going back and looking at this blog and re-living it in a compressed period of time was actually helpful to me. I could see how present God was throughout the whole thing.  Living it day by day it was easy to miss HIM in the whole thing.  How the Lord would send me a Word at the right time to help me get through. I actually began to enjoy working on my talk.  It also helped calm my paranoid anxiety about recurrence. God is in control!  I just needed to be reminded of that.Things were going along just great.

Several things have cropped up since last weekend that I feel like are part of an attack by the enemy.

• First off, my foot. It still is giving me trouble. I did a 6 1/2 mile training walk earlier this week, and by the end, I was feeling it. Yesterday in bible study, we were talking about pride and how it says all over the bible that pride will bring you down. I realized that not taking time off of the walking training was a form of pride for myself. I could boast about how far I walked, regardless of an injury. That was just going to make it worse if I kept it up. So I decided to take a week off of the walking training. I'm still able to do low-impact things at the gym (bike, elliptical, etc). So I'll keep working out. But I want to give my foot a rest. But it has been a source of anxiety for me. I need for it to heal so I can walk in the 3-Day!
• Secondly, Jean-Marc has an inguinal hernia. He had one as an infant, so when I saw the tell tale bulge on Sunday night, I knew right away what it was. We went into the pediatrician on Monday and, sure enough, I was right. We have an appointment to see the pediatric surgeon down at Zion next week. I'm not looking forward to this at all. We've been through it, so I know what to expect. But now he will be asking questions, wanting to eat the morning of the procedure, and I dread the moment when I have to leave him alone with the nurses and doctors. Not so much for me, but I know he will be scared. On top of all of that, I'll be back in the pre-op area of Kaiser. Last time I was there was for my mastectomy in July 2010.I know the sights, smells, and sounds will trigger stuff for me. I'm not looking forward to that.
• Finally, in the middle of the night, I awoke with a pain in the middle of my back. I got up at 3 a.m. and tried to strech, but nothing helped. I took 3 Advil and laid flat on my back. Fortunately, I was able to get back to sleep. But the pain was pretty bad. Of course, that sent my brain into, "Oh my gosh...what if it is a recurrence and I have cancer in my bones?"  Being in the dead of night didn't help any. It was still bad this morning. I called my chiropractor and was able to get in first thing this morning. I was a little fearful of going in, becuase I could just hear him say that from his point of view, nothing was wrong. (Hence, the cancer was back.)  But I went in anyway. As it turns out, I have a muscle in my back that is all inflamed and spasm-y. They ultrasounded it, which felt good. Then he adjusted me and advised that I continue with the anti-inflammatories. That should be good for my foot as well. I'm glad that its not cancer, but it still hurts. 
• I go back to see my oncologist, Dr. P, on Monday. It's my first 6 month check up. I'm a little nervous about it.  Its just adding to the anxiety. 

I know that I should be anxious about nothing. This morning, I prayed that verse from Phillipians. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests be made known to God, and the peace that passes understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Anxiety is a common battle for me these days. To have all these other anxiety-producing things going on, it just feels like these are the arrows of the enemy. Aiming at my peace. Aiming at my faith. Seeking to kill and destroy me if I let them. Seeking to distract me from what I know is true. Perhaps even to derail me from the course I'm taking with my talk later this month.

In any event, I'm glad I recognized all of this for what it is. As I should have done all along, now when I have a momentary freak out, I can just look to the Lord. He will provide me with strength to get through it, as well as the peace that passes understanding.

I appreciate your prayers on all these fronts!

Freaking out

I'm freaking out this morning. It's like I can feel the tumor in my breast growing. I don't even want to look at my breast. I don't want to touch it or even feel it. It kind of reminds me about how I've felt about my cesarean scar. Except worse, because I know that there are cancer cells in there multiplying. My cesarean scar was more of a reminder of what had happened to me, what could have been. This is toxic. It could kill me if left unchecked. Ugh. I just want it GONE. I have 17 days to wait until it can be cut out.

Deep breath.

I need to pass the next 17 days without going completely insane. Our family is going to take a few days and go to Catalina. That will fill up 3 days. Maybe a change of scenery will help take my mind off of it? The kids are really excited. I just hope I don't feel like a smiling clown doll...smiling on the outside but feeling dead on the inside. (I don't know if that even makes sense!) That will leave 14 days. That is still 2 weeks to wait.

I need to think about some reasons why waiting so long could be good.

• It is allowing us to get organized in terms of care for the kids and home. My mother in law is going to come from France on the 20th (2 days before surgery), and stay with us for a few weeks. Her job is to take care of the kids and the dog. That will free up my mom to take care of me.
• It will allow me the ability to consult with a plastic surgeon about possible reconstruction down the road. I haven't decided if I want to, but at least I'll be aware of the options. Maybe it will give me encouragement if I freak out on my post-surgical body? I've seen a few pictures of post-mastectomy torsos and it gives me a feeling in my gut and I feel a rush of adrenaline. That's going to be me.
• I can get other things done that I can't do once chemo starts, and that might be uncomfortable while healing from surgery. Like getting my teeth cleaned. The kids and I have an appointment on July 9th. Getting dental work done while on chemo is not recommended due to risk of infection.
• I will be able to celebrate Jean-Marc's birthday lucid and without the pain of surgical recovery.
• I will be able to send Olivier off and see him home from Boy Scout summer camp. He's leaving on the 12th and coming home on the 17th.
• I will be able to do my own Advance Health Care Directive. I've drafted these documents for others and don't even have my own done. Gosh. I should probably do my other estate planning documents as well. It is kind of embarrassing to admit that we don't have these in place yet. It's like the old saying, "The shoemaker's children don't have any shoes."

I want to thank you all who have been praying for me. Words can't describe how it feels to know that there are so many out there interceding on my behalf. My church family at Calvary Chapel Escondido had been awesome, anointing me with oil, laying hands on me, praying, encouraging. I feel loved and cared for.

My prayer requests for today:

• That the cancer does not spread past where we know it is now. That it would even shrink or disappear. God can do that!
• That I would have some peace of mind while I wait for this surgery.
• Strength for my family: Eric; my parents; the kids. It can't be easy for them. They all are being very supportive of me and I know how draining that can be. Pray that God would renew their strength both physically, emotionally and spiritually. Everyone has put their plans on the back burner to put me to the front.
• That if it is God's will, that the surgery date be advanced. There is a bit of a timing issue because if it is past the 15th, I need to see the surgeon again for a pre-op visit. I've got that appointment scheduled for the 12th. I guess there is a law that says surgery has to be within 30 days of your visit. I also need to be able to have some additional lab work and chest X-rays done, which needs to be within a week of surgery. The lab work could be done on a walk-in basis though.

May God bless you richly today!