The good and the bad?

I watched a really good documentary last week, "The Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel. In it, he explored two questions that people commonly stumble on when accepting Christianity.  The first was "Why must Jesus be the only way to God?"  The second one, and the one that I have been thinking about was "Why does a loving God allow suffering in the world?" 

Considering what I am going through right now, it was pretty interesting to watch.  I don't question "why me?" as some others in my situation may.  It is what it is.  I believe that trials are things that God allows into your life to make you stronger and to purify you and make you more like Jesus.  For some, it may be a test of faith that causes them to abandon the Lord.  For me, it is more of a strengthener of my faith. 

Why would God allow pain into my life if He loves me? The documentary pointed out that as a parent, you don't rescue your kids from every pain and trauma in life.  Nothing teaches more than a little bit of pain.  Of course, it is painful as a parent to see your child suffer. But it is worth it in the end if it teaches them something and/or makes them stronger for the rest of their lives. It is the same with God.  I believe He has allowed this into my life for His reasons. I don't claim to know what they are, and I don't claim to know how He is going to work the situation out for the good.  But the Bible says that He does (Romans 8:28), and I take God at His Word. 

It is so easy to call yourself a Christian and praise God when life is going well.  But what about when its not going so well?  That is when the rubber of your faith meets the road.  What is it going to be?  Do I give up on God? Or press in closer?

Since it was the first Sunday of the month yesterday, we celebrated communion at church.  While the pastors and elders passed out the elements, we sang a song with the following lyrics, "...I want all that you have for me, Jesus."  In my mind, I couldn't help but question.  Do I really want all that He has for me?  The "good" and the "bad?"  He allows both into my life. Do I want both? 

Breast cancer is something that the Lord allowed into my life. I'm sure it is hard for Him to watch me go through.  It is scary.  In the early days, not knowing how extensive it was probably was the worst mentally. Surgery hurt. Chemo is nasty, and it has sterilized me.  I'm at a lifelong risk of having my left arm swell up like a balloon.  Right now, I feel like I will always be looking over my shoulder wondering if the cancer has come back.  Every ache and pain makes me wonder in the back of my mind....oh no....has "it" spread? 

Can I thank the Lord for that?  Can I really with all honesty sing to the Lord that I want ALL that He has for me?  That's a pretty bold thing to say to God, and you'd better be sure you mean it before you say it.  Because it could mean a lot more than you think.  

I trust God with my life.  He died for me so I would not be eternally separated from Him, tormented and in anguish. He's all powerful and mighty.  I was telling someone close to me recently that we tend to put God in a box.  A human box.  We can't begin to wrap our minds around what He is capable of doing (like creating the world in 6 days) because we put him in a box. If we can't do something, or the smartest / strongest / fastest / bravest human that we can think of can't do something, then we don't really trust God to do what the Bible says that He can do.  

Even though I don't understand why the circumstances as they are, I know a few things for sure:

• God is good. (Psalm 119:68)  
• God loves me (John 3:16)
• God works all things out for the good for those who love him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28)

Knowing this, I can say I sing with honesty when I life up my voice to say, "I want all that you have for me, Jesus."  

Prayer requests:

• That my body be strong and ready for the next round of chemo on Friday.  That my blood cell counts be good so there is no delay. 
• That this chemotherapy be effective in killing any cancer cells in my body.
• Complete healing.  God can do it!

More thoughts on preparation

Eric got up in the night to take something for a headache. He deals with stress by getting physically ill. The lights he turned on while up made me come out of a deep sleep, although I didn't completely wake up. But it was enough to turn the brain on. Maybe that was a good thing, because I faintly remember a dream I had during the night where I found more lumps in my left axilla (armpit). In the dream, I was upset because I thought they had taken out all of the lymph nodes, and yet I was finding more lumps. Not fair!

Anyway, as I lay there in my semi-conscious state, I was thinking more about how God set the stage for this phase of my life. As many have reminded me, God knew this trial was coming in my life long before I did. It was no surprise to Him. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16)

He prepared us financially. Eric had about 2-3 years of serial unemployment. The right job just never came around. He'd work for a company for a few months, then they would restructure and cut the entire U.S. team. Or reorganize and eliminate his position. There was never the feeling of job security or financial stability. That changed in October 2008 when he began working for a French medicinal chemistry company, Prestwick Chemical. Despite these tough economic times, the company is doing well, and business is up. It helps us pay for my medical bills without worry. He likes the people he works with and for, and they like him. They even send a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to me a week ago. Nice!

He prepared us with our house and the things in it. We had been looking for a larger house off and on for many years. After Jean-Marc was born, we were pretty tight in our first house, so the search intensified. We moved into this house around Thanksgiving of 2009. Eric and I also finally got rid of the hammock-like mattress that we had been sleeping on for 11 years. We bought a Cal-King bed. It looked huge to us at first, and took some time to get used to the feel of it. I found out about my cancer right around the time I realized I was used to the feel of the new mattress. We are in a home were we all have space to escape to our own rooms, our own secret places, when we need to. I can rest in a comfortable bed when I'm tired. I imagine as I get into chemo I will appreciate that more and more.

I've already mentioned how He prepared me physically. By placing in my heart for the first time in my adult life the desire to get physically fit and lose weight. I don't need to dwell on that anymore. But I see as I work on rehabilitating myself from surgery, how being fit before the surgery not only helps me get over the surgery. But it also has helped me know the limits of my body and what it can do. My oncologist also said that the desire to exercise will help me during chemo as well.

He prepared me spiritually. I spent years just coming to church on Sunday, listening to the sermon, and going home until the next week. But a few years I really "plugged in." One Sunday when they were mentioning the need for help in the Children's Ministry, I felt the tug on my heart and stepped up. I spent 2 years teaching 1st and 2nd graders on Sunday mornings. During that time, I grew spiritually. Part of the curriculum I was teaching focused on Hebrew

feasts and traditions. Through that and my own study, I began to see how the Old Testament and those traditions and celebrations foretold the coming of Jesus in the New Testament. It really is true that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you. (James 4:8) When I got pregnant with Jean-Marc, I had to take a break from the Children's Ministry. (Well, other than my own kids.) When the baby was about 6 months old, I began going to the women's daytime bible study. I met so many wonderful ladies, and our study in Isaiah was amazing. God revealed Himself during my private study time, but also through the fellowship and counsel of the women in the study. Last year, I had the opportunity to lead the women's bible study as we went through Kay Smith's book, "Pleasing God." Again, God taught me much about how He wants me to live and interact with others...even my enemies.

He has prepared me with family and friends. Not only do I have a wonderfully supportive biological family, but I have learned through this that I also have a family in Christ. I knew that on an intellectual level, of course. After all, I had gotten to know so many wonderful people through the Children's and Women's ministries. But when you see people coming to your aid through prayer, through fellowship, through meals, it is a light bulb moment. Duh! This is what the body of Christ is all about.

The meals have truly been a blessing to our family. We've had friends not only from church, but scouts and the kids' school bring dinners. My mother in law has been amazed at it all-it is quite a testimony to her. The meals serve the practical purpose of helping me get food on the table to the family. But they also bless me in a way that is hard to describe. We feel supported and cared for in a way that helps us support and care for each other better. Does that make sense? I want to thank everyone who has been a part of the meals. It is wonderful. If anyone wants to help with meals, we will gratefully accept it. You can check out it out at MealBaby and sign up for a day. We even had a friend across the country send us a gift card for a restaurant through that site. Nice!

I know there are other examples of how God has prepared my family and I for this. I need to start writing them down when they come to mind in the random moments of the day. There are so many ways, big and small. It makes me marvel at how God works. As I've said before, this is all to serve a higher purpose (or multiple purposes) of His. I don't know what they are, maybe I never will. But I do recognize and believe with all my heart that He will work all of this out for the good of us all. (Romans 8:28)

My prayer requests for today:

• As always, healing. I'm down to 3 painkillers a day. Sometimes 4. It depends on how much it hurts. I am on an upward healing path, and that is good. I need it to continue.
• That Isabelle's birthday celebration be blessed. She is such a sweet girl, and loves to decorate and celebrate everyone else's birthdays. I want hers to be special too. Before cancer, we were thinking about her having a slumber party this year. There's no way I'm up to that, so she's a little disappointed. Hopefully we can have a fun family day today for her.
• That Eric be able to manage his stress without getting sick or stressing everyone else out. That he be able to draw near to God in this time. I know that this is something that God wants us ALL to do-draw near to Him. It's harder for some people to do that.
• That we enjoy the last day of my mother in law's visit. I know Jean-Marc especially will miss her when she's gone tomorrow. I hope we can enjoy today without long faces.

Moving right along....or not

Day 6 post-op.

I go in to see Dr. K this morning. Hopefully the drains will come out. With Eric's help, I managed to untangle myself from the tubes and bulbs and get into the shower. This time, it wasn't as shocking to see myself in the mirror. I think Eric was more shaken than I was. It is awkward to move-I'm afraid to make sudden movements for fear that I'll pull out a tube. 2 of the 3 drains are well below 50 ccs per 24 hours. The third is just at 50. We'll see what Dr. K does with it. I'm going to take 2 pain pills before I go. Yesterday, I managed to wean myself down to 5 for the whole day. That is pretty good. But I'm not going to take any chances this morning.

You never know what a new day will bring. Yesterday morning I had a huge problem with, well....constipation. I've debated whether or not to blog about it, since it is so personal. And even at that, I'm going to spare some of the more gory details. But I decided that if anyone comes across this blog and is facing surgery, I want them to be very aware of this problem so they can avoid it.

In the hospital, they gave me colace as a stool softener. I didn't blow it off completely, but for the first couple of days just took 1 pill. They said I could take 1-2. I figured that my high fiber diet would take care of any of "those" problems. On day 4 I had my first post-op BM, which was difficult, but I managed to do it. I figured all systems were go. Then yesterday, it just would not move. It was there, but didn't move. When my mom came, I asked her to take me to Discovery Lake so I could walk a bit on flat ground. I figured if my dog needs some walking to poop, maybe I did too? It hurt like crazy just to walk, but I made it.

We got back home and still...nothing. I spent about 2 hours trying. Crying. Begging God to help me. Now, I've had 2 unmedicated childbirths. I've pushed a baby out with her hand by her head. I've pushed out a baby that has a larger head than the baby that was supposedly too big to fit through my pelvis. This was just as bad. Seriously. But worse, because at the end, I didn't have a beautiful baby! But it was also ridiculous. I was wondering what I was going to do if I couldn't get it out. How embarrassing would it be to go to the emergency room for this? I almost passed out a couple of times. Once, I even thought I felt one of my stitches pop. I don't know how mom stood it in the next room. It must have torn her heart out. I was seriously suffering. Words don't really do justice to just how bad this was. Finally it passed. But man, I never want to do that again.

Take if from one who has been there. If you are facing surgery, and they put you on hydrocodone/acetaminophen, MAX OUT the stool softeners.

Things are better in that department today, thank the Lord.

The weather has been unseasonably cool. I for one, am thankful for it. Remember about a week and a half ago when I woke up sweating? I was worrying about the heat and the drains. I did not want to suffer in summer temperatures with drains and post-operative recovery. Well, God took care of the heat for me. I realize now how I wasted that energy worrying about the temperature. That was something that God has control over and made happen in my best interests. If you think about it, everything is like that. God has control over everything, even things we *think* we have control over. We only do because God gives us the strength and power to have some dominion over them. We worry and fret about so much. But in the end, God works all of these little details out in a way that works for us. We just have to trust in Him in all these things. God works everything for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. (Romans 8:28)

I'll post again later to update on the appointment with Dr. K. My prayer requests are pretty much the same as yesterday. Healing and harmony! Love to you all!