Not quite a walk in the park

I've started training for the 3-Day walk. I have until November 18th to get my body ready to walk 60 miles in 3 days. That is roughly 19 weeks from now.

I'll admit that I was putting off the training.  Considering all the running and other exercise that I've been doing, I was thinking that I could delay it. Now that the 10k is behind me, I printed out the 24 week suggested training program on the 3-Day website.  It starts pretty easy-just walking 3 miles at a time. They schedule 4 walks a week, with two of them being back to back.  That is, walking 2 days in a row with longer mileage. It gets your body ready for walking 3 long days in a row.  Now we are in week 19, so the walks are a little longer-3, 5 and 6 miles.  The program works you up to doing back to back walks of 18 and 15 miles by the end.

Anyway, I was taking it in stride. I was thinking, heck, I can run a 10k.  I can do Jillian's advanced circuit training. I've been walking all my life. I don't want to scale back the activity and slow down to just....walk.

But last week reality hit.  Mom and I did a 6.6 mile walk last Friday. No biggie, we thought. We had done a 10k on Monday. This would be the same. If I could do it running, walking it would be a snap. We took a route that I had run a few times in training for the 10k. Easy breezy, right?

NOT!

It definitely was a wake up for us both. Mom has been walking faithfully for several years, but only 3-4 miles at a time. For me, it was a lot harder than I had anticipated. It took us 2 hours and we were ready to finish by the time we got done.  So this is definitely going to require sticking to the training program as much as possible. It also is going to require some creative child care on my part.  Right now, I can leave the kids at home. The older 2 can watch Jean-Marc.  Eric is at home in case they have any trouble. They actually are making quite a bit of money doing that for me this summer!  But if 6.6 miles took us 2 hours, when we get to 10, 11, 12 miles at a time it is going to take all morning. Yikes.

I am a little disappointed that in the 2 hours we walked, my Garmin said I only burned 291 calories. Not a lot of bang for the buck.  I like to try and burn 500 calories a day through exercise.  I guess I should enjoy these "easy" days because I'll be burning plenty when I'm walking half the day!

I did a little 3.45 mile easy walk today in my neighborhood.  It didn't really feel like a workout, though. (Confession: I came home and did Jillian's "No More Trouble Zones" DVD)  As I walked, I realized something.  Walking 20 miles 3 days in a row is nearly doing 3 marathons back to back.  Not quite, but almost.  Not quite a walk in the park!

If you would like to support the Pink and Plaid Warriors with a donation, you can click here to see my page at the 3 Day site. I realize some people have issues with Komen. I definitely am going to stay out of the debates for now.  I signed up for the walk as a way to challenge myself physically. It was a goal I set while going through treatment last year, and I'm going to see it through. I'll give folks with Komen issues a chance to support the American Cancer Society later on this year when I participate in the "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" walk in October.  Stay tuned!

A plea to Jet Blue

I heard back from April at the American Cancer Society. She basically said that they took the travel vouchers "as is" and isn't willing to intercede with Jet Blue on my behalf. According to her, hundreds of other vouchers are given to ACS each year and no one else has this problem. Hmm. Really?  I'll admit to being disappointed in ACS for not even giving it a shot. From what I can tell, this person has a national job with the organization and is not one of the people here in San Diego. I'm trying very hard to not let this turn me off of the whole organization.

In any event, I am sending an e-mail to Jet Blue's Southwestern regional marketing director today to plead my case. I don't know what the outcome will be, but want to give Jet Blue an opportunity to come through and be awesome.  If they refuse, I'm not sure what I'll do. Perhaps just chalk it up to the trip not being in God's will. I have friends who suggest I go to the media to expose the situation. I don't know. I'm hoping that this person will have the heart to help us out.

Here is the text of my message to him. Please pray that it is read with favor and that it is effective:

Dear Mr. R,

 

I am writing to you in the hopes that you can help me with something.  I was the recipient of 4 travel vouchers that Jet Blue donated to the American Cancer Society. (I am a 2010 Pacesetter for their "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" walk in San Diego this past year.)  I've tried on two separate occasions to redeem them and have been told that the vouchers are "capacity controlled" and cannot be booked for travel on dates that are remotely convenient for my family and I. I am hoping that you would find a way to remove that restriction. Let me tell you why.

 

In normal circumstances, I would agree that it is my problem. In fact, when I tried to redeem 2 of the vouchers last December and was unable, I gave up on the idea of a holiday trip. After all, it was New Years, and I could understand how flights would be unavailable. I attempted this week to redeem the 4 vouchers so my three children and I could join my husband in Washington D.C. during the last week of June. I am flexible as to exact dates and am even willing to fly from any airport in Southern California. We just need to overlap a few days during that last week of June. But there was nothing until July 2nd.

 

You see, I was diagnosed with breast cancer last June at the age of 40. My youngest child wasn't even two years old at the time. In the past 9 months, my family has watched me go through my treatments which have included a double mastectomy to remove a 3.5 c.m. tumor from my left breast and 5 cancerous lymph nodes, 6 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 radiation treatments. I also developed an incurable chronic complication from my surgery called lymphedema, which results in my left arm and hand being subject to swelling because the lymph nodes were removed on that side and thus my body cannot circulate lymphatic fluid on its own.  After all we have been through, we could really use a change of scenery. Unfortunately, each time our family's schedule will permit a getaway, Jet Blue doesn't have the flights because of this "capacity control" restriction.  Two of the vouchers expire on July 14th, so there is no way will be able to use them as they are.

 

I am hoping that you will find it in your heart and power to have this restriction removed so we can take the kids to Washington D.C. for the last week of June. You would have in me (and my family) lifelong and loyal customers of Jet Blue. I have many friends who would also think highly of your company if you could make this happen. You would be helping us fulfill one of my "bucket wish list" items as well.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Tonya Jamois

Frustrated!

One of the "silver lining" of this cancer experience has been meeting great people at the American Cancer Society. Because of my involvement with their "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" last fall, I was given 2 round trip tickets anywhere Jet Blue flies (nonstop) at the end of last year. Eric and I tried to book a flight from San Diego to New York City for New Years, but there were no flights available. Bummer! But I figured, it is New Years, and I could see how demand was high.

Well, my luck doubled, because I was put into a drawing for 2 more tickets on Jet Blue. Wouldn't you know it...I won! So now I have 4 round trip tickets on Jet Blue. Wow!  Eric and I looked at the calendar, and he had to be in San Diego for the kids' Spring break. But the last week of June, he had a conference in Washington D.C. I had the bright idea that the kids and I could use the free tickets and go the same week he was there. He could add a few days on either end of his conference and we could see the sights.

It was like God was opening the door for our family to have a fun and educational trip. Considering that our family trip last June was canceled because of my diagnosis, I was really looking forward to this.  An added plus was that his company happened to have reserved an extra room at the same hotel that the conference was at that we could use for the kids.

That was, until I called Jet Blue to book the flights today. I was pretty flexible as to the dates of travel. We just needed to overlap with the dates Eric was there.  I was even flexible as to the airport we flew out of. Anywhere in Southern California would do, all the way up to Burbank.

Well...they have NO FLIGHTS AVAILABLE for the month of June. She could only get us there on July 2nd.  What's the point of these ticket vouchers if you can't book any travel? I even asked if they had the "breast cancer survivor special" and explained how I got the vouchers in the first place. (Those who have read Kris Carr's book, "Crazy, Sexy, Cancer" will recognize my attempt at swiping the "cancer card.")  Denied! She said these vouchers were "capacity controlled." I'm not sure what that means, because I'm trying to book travel 3 months in advance. It seems to me that these vouchers aren't worth the paper they are printed on, and I told her that.  In a nice way, of course. She was nice,and I could tell she wished she could change the situation.

She suggested that I contact the person at the American Cancer Society to see if that person (whose name is April) would contact Jet Blue and have the "capacity control" restriction removed. Then she could book us on pretty much any flight. I've done that, but have yet to hear back.

I know its not a life or death thing, but I would appreciate prayer that April would take my case up with Jet Blue and that Jet Blue would do the right thing and remove the restriction so we could take the kids to Washington D.C. in June. We need this. I need this. It's not the Bahamas or some sandy beach somewhere. But the kids were all jazzed about the museums and monuments.  The history, the educational possibilities....  I was looking forward to seeing a couple of cousins I have in the area, too. All of the other pieces of this trip just seemed to fall into place. But we definitely can't afford to fly the kids and I out there on our own.  So this will definitely need to be kicked up to a higher level. I've done all I can do to make this happen.

I now need God's intervention, so I figured I would enlist my faithful prayer warriors. Thank you!

A crucial catch

Yesterday was the big day...I got to be a part of "A Crucial Catch 2010."  I was invited with 29 other breast cancer survivors to participate in a Chargers pre-game ceremonies.  It was a gorgeous day in San Diego.  Too bad the Chargers couldn't hang onto the ball!  But the game was not the reason I was there.

I met the other women at 9:30 a.m. in the parking lot of the American Cancer Society.  Even though I had never met them before, I felt like I had. Many of the other ladies knew each other from their volunteer work with the ACS.  It didn't matter that I was new-I felt right at home with everyone and very much welcomed.

They gave us these really neat Charger shirts that had a V-neck and said "SURVIVOR 10" on the back.  Another survivor there had little pink ribbon tattoos that we all put on our cheeks.  After they gave us our tickets (field level seats), we piled into vans and carpooled over to Qualcomm.

On the field during practice

They wanted us to be there by 10 a.m. for a run through and practice.  There were three different things they wanted us to do.  First, they got us out on the field and arranged us in the shape of a pink ribbon.  I was near the top at the arch.  They would do some presentation about breast cancer awareness while we were standing there.  Then we were to go to the sidelines and line up by the Charger girls to welcome the team on the field.  Then we had to run to the middle of the field for the national anthem.  As we did that, a sorority brought in the biggest American flag I've ever seen, as well as a huge pink ribbon and held it behind us.  It probably took 40-50 girls to hold these things.  After the anthem, we were to run off the field and back up through the tunnel.

After practice, we had about 90 minutes to kill.  They had some sandwiches and food for us, which was nice. The best part was just being able to hang out with these other women and get to know them.  I was the "youngest" survivor.  I learned that you count your "survivor" age by the date of your diagnosis.  So I'm only a little over 4 months out.  There were women there with years-one even 25 years out. I had felt a little strange calling myself  a "survivor."  After all, I'm still in treatment.  But I have survived surgery and 4 rounds of chemotherapy. So on some level, I suppose I have earned the title.

I had chemo 2 days before, so I was a little paranoid about the sun.  I've found myself to be extremely sensitive to the sun with chemo. I wore my compression sleeve on my left arm as a way to shield that skin from the sun.  I had my 30 spf sunscreen with me that I reapplied several times.  During the game, I went and got a hat to shield my face.  Thankfully, by the 3rd quarter, the sun had moved on and we were in the shade.  The lady I sat next to during the game went at half time and came back with a frozen lemonade for me. That tasted soooo good!  The lemon really cut through the metallic blah taste in my mouth. She totally blessed me with that, and when I asked how much I owed her, she told me it was on her. It was one of the best parts of the day.

The reaction we got from the public was interesting. Many people would high five us, or shout out "Yeah, Survivors!"  Sure, some guys who had been tailgating for a few hours would make comments about loving that body part for which we were there to raise awareness. But for the most part, it was respectful and encouraging.

The atmosphere got more and more exciting as game time approached.  They led us down to the tunnel and gave us some hot pink pom poms to wave.  We got out to the sidelines and watched the Charger girls get introduced.  Before we knew it, we were being told to "go, go, go!" So we ran into our positions as the human survivor pink ribbon.  It all went so fast.  But it was amazing to be out there on the field with so many people.  I had my iPhone with me and snapped some video of the Chargers coming on the field. It was pretty exciting, even though I had no clue which players were "good" or not.  I figured I'd shoot as much video as I could and then let others tell me what I saw later!   The most awe inspiring part of the ceremonies for me was during the National Anthem.  I was on the 50 yard line, and we were facing the team.  I sang along and thought about my brother Jared, who at that moment was coming home from Iraq.  As it got to the end of the Anthem, "land of the free, and the home of the brave" there was a flyby with 3 jets-FA-18's I believe they said.  The BOOM was huge and it was amazing.

Then they led us out and it was over. Just like that!

We had pretty good seats in the end zone.  We were in the "super fan" section. People who really took their Charger football quite seriously.  Two guys at the front of the section who had their heads painted with bolts. Many spent a good part of the game on their feet.  I was pretty clueless--both teams were wearing white and navy blue, so half the time I didn't know who was who!  The 4th quarter did get interesting when they nearly were able to come from behind and tie the score after being woefully behind the entire game.

I couldn't help but be amused at the reaction of the fans after the game as we were exiting the stadium.  I saw tears and angst.  In the bathroom, one girl was sobbing, "they just play with our emotions!"  I just looked at her with a smile and thought to myself, "Honey, it could be so much worse.  You could have cancer!"  It's interesting how things in life are put into perspective when you are dealing with something like that.  What's a football game in the end?  A few hours of amusement.  Not something, in my humble opinion, to get all worked up about.  But then again, I'm not a superfan.  I'm just a survivor.

Preparations, again

This Friday will be round #4 of chemotherapy. I find myself getting into "preparation" mode again on several levels.

It actually started last Friday with a visit to Kaiser. I got my blood drawn for a Vitamin D test and got my flu shot on the way out. (At Dr. P's recommendation). I was a little miffed to get my "results" of the blood draw online and see that they seemed to have made a mistake and drawn blood for a liver function panel and creatinine screen, but no Vitamin D results. That made me wonder if my lab appointment for this Thursday got switched and instead of the pre-chemo tests they would just do Vitamin D. That would potentially delay my chemo. That prompted a call to the lab this morning, which is no small feat. First, you have to leave a message and then wait for them to call you back. If you don't happen to be by the phone to catch the call, it's phone tag and you are IT. You get to start at the beginning and leave a message for them. I realized as I was taking Isabelle to school this morning that I had left my cell phone plugged in. Sure enough, by the time I got home, they had called. Fortunately, the second time was a charm and I did catch the call. As it turns out, they did draw for Vitamin D, the other tests were overkill and will be done as planned this Thursday before chemo.

Dr. P recommended the flu shot for everyone just to keep potential illness out of the house. The injection with the dead virus for me 2 weeks after chemo (which was last Friday). The kids got the nasal mist today. Yeah, I know some people don't agree with immunizations and particularly flu shots. If that works for you, cool. But I'm going to go with what the oncologist recommends. He's gotten me to this point pretty well, so I'm going to go with what he says. Please no comments second guessing this decision, okay? :-)

I'll go through my now-familiar Thursday pre-chemo routine in a few days. Blood draw at 9 a.m., pick up the refill of Cipro and a visit with Dr. P.

The insurance situation with Kaiser continues to be a mess. Kaiser re-coded policies and put me in a "new" plan as of September 1. A couple weeks ago, they had not carried over my out of pocket accumulations to the "new" plan, so I was being told by the providers that I had a huge co-pay. (I have a high deductible plan, but have more than met the family deductible this year). Last month, they told me to call back if I got a bill. Sure enough, I did. My concern is that the services I am being billed for since September 1 are not being adjusted correctly. Is Kaiser billing me as if I had not met the deductible? I can't figure it out from the statement. So I called that department today to check. It is so confusing that the woman I talked to had to have her manager look at the account to figure it out and will call me back tomorrow. What a pain!

There are other preparations I'm making this week as well. I want to get the dog groomed before Friday. She smells bad! I'm making a huge pot of "Chicken Magic Mineral Broth" from "The Cancer Fighting Kitchen." I've planned super nutritious meals for this week full of veggies, legumes and protein so I'm not nutritionally deficient on Friday. I'm doing my higher intensity workouts at the beginning of the week so I can take a day or two off later on. Working out also keeps me feeling strong, keeps my metabolism up, and keeps those happy endorphins flowing good and strong!

This round will be different because my mom and dad are going to be out of town. Mom has really picked up the slack for me at chemo time. It's good they are going--it means my brother Jared is coming home from his 3rd tour in Iraq!! But that means Eric will have to pick up my slack. He is going to take Thursday and Friday morning off so he can hang out with Jean-Marc while I'm at Kaiser getting treatment. I'm most concerned about Monday the 25th. Monday after chemo (day 4) has been my worst day each round. Last time, I rested Sunday afternoon. It helped, but I was still "blah" and foggy on Monday. This Sunday I have the Charger game, and I'm not planning on missing that!

Speaking of the Charger game, yesterday at the "Making Strides" walk, I was going into the area where the flagship sponsors had tents. We had to show a special wristband to get past some ropes. Anyway, the guy manning the rope said, "We'll see you next Sunday!" Turns out, he was from the American Cancer Society and is organizing the event at the Charger game. I was surprised he knew who I was when we hadn't been introduced.

Anyway, I'm feeling good and will be glad when I get to Friday. Then I will definitely be over the hump. 4 down, 2 to go.

My prayer requests:

• That I be strong spiritually. I've had a few instances in the past few days with fear. I ran across some stupid "tools" online for cancer survival. I should have just closed the page, but instead I put in my stats "just to see." I did not need to see survival statistics/mortality rates for people in my situation.  It freaks me out to think of myself as a statistic. I go along most of the time feeling like I'm going to beat this and then BAM! The possibility that I may have recurrence, metastatic stage IV, years of treatment pops into my head. I know that this is a form of spiritual warfare that the enemy is using on me. 
• That God would eradicate any cancer cells in my body. Just make them disappear. I was reading Psalm 29 this morning. In it, David is marveling at God's mighty power. He can certainly make cancer cells disappear if it is His will. 

In closing, I wanted to share one of the Psalms that I read this morining during my devotional time.  I found out later that part of it is set to music, "This is How We Overcome."

Psalm 30

 ¹ I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
         And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
 ² O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
         And You healed me.
 ³ O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
         You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
        
 ⁴ Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His,
         And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
 ⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
         His favor is for life;
         Weeping may endure for a night,
         But joy comes in the morning.
        
 ⁶ Now in my prosperity I said,
         “I shall never be moved.”
 ⁷ LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;
         You hid Your face, and I was troubled.
        
 ⁸ I cried out to You, O LORD;
         And to the LORD I made supplication:
 ⁹ “What profit is there in my blood,
         When I go down to the pit?
         Will the dust praise You?
         Will it declare Your truth?
 ¹⁰ Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
         LORD, be my helper!”
        
 ¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
         You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
 ¹² To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
         O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever. (Psalm 30, New King James Version)

One more day!

Isabelle & I yesterday living life to its fullest! Singing songs with the girl scouts in the rain!

One more day until my first "cancer walk."  I'm going to do a 5k with the American Cancer Society (ACS) in their "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" event in San Diego.  Yeah, 5k isn't a huge deal.  Heck, I could probably run most of it if I wanted to.  But the event is to raise awareness as well as funds for the disease and to help an organization that has already helped me out a great deal.

When I was first diagnosed, my doctor gave me a registration form for the ACS.  They sent me an organizational tool for all of my records.  It was a expandable pocket with different tabs under subject headings (lab reports, insurance information, etc).  Those who know me know I am at a loss if my papers aren't organized, so this was a great tool for me.  I merged it into a system that I had started on my own and its great.  I can find pretty much any piece of paper related to my situation in seconds.

ACS provided me with a free wig and one of my favorite hats.

ACS sent me to a program called "Look Good, Feel Better."   I have an entire post dedicated to it from June. But in short, it was a seminar where they gave us a big bag of free name-brand cosmetics and lotions. We went through a little makeup session where they taught us things like how to draw on your eyebrows after they are gone.  They also gave us tips on what to cover our bald heads with.  I'm using these tips daily.

ACS sent me several small pillows that I used after my surgery to cushion my chest while sleeping and driving.

ACS also has paired me with a "mentor" who is a breast cancer survivor.  She gave me tips before my surgery and chemo.  It is helpful to talk to someone who has walked this road before. I'll be talking to another mentor as I get ready for radiation treatment.

There are lots of other services ACS offers that they would give me if I asked.  If I needed transportation to my treatments, they could arrange it.  There are numerous classes and support groups that they host as well.

ACS uses a large portion of its funding for breast cancer. I'm grateful for the progress that has been made in treating this disease in the past decade.  Of course, there are other great organizations that fund research and treatment for breast cancer.  The Komen foundation comes to mind.  (I'm planning on doing the 3 day next year).  But for now, I'm happy to do this 5k tomorrow to give back to an organization that already has given me a great deal.

If you have a little bit of extra cash, even $5, I would be very grateful if you would click on this link to donate to a very worthy cause.

Blessings to you all!

I shouldn't be doing this!

That was what I was thinking this morning at the gym.  I was about halfway into a cardio workout.  I was on the elliptical, level 10.  I had my heart rate monitor on, so I know I wasn't going outside of my safe target heart rate range. I was in the "zone" and feeling great.  The only thing that would have made it better would have been if my iPhone battery had some juice in it so I could be listening to something other than the lame gym music and sounds of free weights clanking across the room.   After 35 minutes on the elliptical, I ran some intervals on the treadmill for another 35 minutes.   It's kind of fun to be at the gym in a turban and be kicking butt on the equipment.  I sweat like dog and loved it.

Yesterday, I did a Jillian DVD that was a type of exercise I hadn't done since my surgery in July.  The DVD title is "No More Trouble Zones" and it is a circuit training workout.  I am still a bit paranoid about lifting weights, so I used 2 pound dumbbells.  The workout used to be kind of easy for me, even with heavier weights.  But it was definitely a challenge yesterday.  I'm feeling the "good" pain of sore muscles in different places today!   I like to mix up my workouts so I'd like to do some circuits at least once a week.  There is definitely something to be said for lunges.  Owie!

But seriously.  I am 6 days out of my third round of chemo.  I have the energy and strength to workout, and not just go for walks or do yoga.  I am amazed at how God has upheld me in all of this.  I am so blessed by so many of you out there praying for me through this trial.  Truly, the Lord is my strength and my shield.  My heart trusts in Him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song!  (Psalm 28:7)

This round of chemo is almost easier in some ways than the first ones.  Monday was the hardest day.  I felt tired, yucky and kind of blue.  But I was still able to function. Every day since has been better to the point where I pretty much feel normal today.  The metallic taste in my mouth is much less, and there is no hint of any irritation in my mouth.  I even had a flash of paranoia this morning and wondered if maybe they didn't give me enough of the toxic drugs last week.  I remember the conversation I had with the American Cancer Society's mentor who said the third round is the one that knocks people down.  That hasn't been my experience.  Maybe I'll get hit next time on round four.  I don't want to boast in myself, I know this is not coming from my own strength.  I'm the first one to give the glory to God and boast in Him.

My prayer requests:

• That the chemo drugs do their job.  With the way I'm feeling, I'm almost skeptical that they are in there.  I pray that they are, that the dosage is correct and that they are disrupting any cancer cells that are in my body.
• That my white blood cell counts are good, that my immune system be strong against infection during these days when I am supposed to be vulnerable to infections.
• That the kids and Eric stay healthy.  Any bugs they come down with, I may get too.  If I get sick, it could delay my next chemo session. 
• That everyone who knows me, hears of me, or reads this blog recognizes God at work in all of this.  That He receive glory and honor and praise for how He is seeing me through.   That my trial be a testimony to His faithfulness and amazing love.  

Hair play

Oh the things one does while they are waiting for their hair to fall out. I've been getting creative.

When I went to the "Look Good, Feel Better" session, there was a lady who made custom hair pieces. I've also noticed in the American Cancer Society's catalog, "TLC" that they sell things called "halos" which are little pieces of hair that attach to the sides or bang of a hat or scarf to make it look like the hat or scarf is covering hair. They also are called "hairline accents." This is what they look like.

If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you'll remember I got a free wig from the ACS. I wasn't to thrilled with the style, but the color was not too bad. Lighter than I've been for awhile, but passable. Well, I decided to sacrifice it to try and make some of my own "hairline accents." I've cut several pieces from it to make detachable bangs, as well as hair that can stick out from under the sides and back of hats and scarves. The idea is to sew velcro to the hat or scarf (the soft side) and then velcro to the hair piece. Then if I want or need to have the look of hair peeking out, I can just stick it on. I've sewn the velcro to the hair, but only to one hat. I'm thinking of maybe trying sticky velcro rather than sew on velcro so I don't have to put seams in the hats. We'll see. It's a work in progress.

We are kidless this weekend. All three of them are down at their cousin's house for a "cousin weekend." How amazing is that? We really are blessed by my sister in law and mom for doing this. She's even bringing Isabelle up to San Marcos for her riding lesson in the middle of it. The older two were really excited to spend their last weekend of summer vacation this way. Jean-Marc has no clue, but my mom is going down too so he'll do okay with her. He has gotten very used to having "gamma" around every day. It's a far cry from when he was smaller and he would cry at the sight of her. (And most everybody else!)

Eric and I are taking advantage of our status this weekend to go out. Last night we went for a walk on the beach at Cardiff and had dinner at the Charthouse. I even wore the "fluffies" in my camisole. It felt wierd and lumpy. But having something "on top" helps to define my waistline a bit more. Otherwise, I just look thick. Tonight I think we are going to go see "Eat, Drink, Pray, Love" and have dinner at Canapes in San Marcos. My sister in law and mom will bring the kids up for church on Sunday and I'll get them back then.

It has been 8 days since chemo. I realized late yesterday that I need to just get on my knees and thank God for allowing me to come through this round as well as I have. It was almost like I wanted to get sick for some reason. Then it would feel real. Like I really do have breast cancer. (Maybe I don't anymore. The surgery may have gotten every single bit. But I digress...) I was browsing other blogs yesterday and read a blog of someone whose first round really knocked her for a loop. She was out of it most of the week, and her counts were so low she was in the hospital in a near quarantine status. What the heck am I complaining about?

It helps to read other blogs. In Jennifer Griffin's blog that I mentioned last time, she exercised every day while on chemo. Our cases are a bit different, though. She did chemo before her surgery. The chemo pretty much did away with her huge tumors. I'm almost jealous reading it. On the other hand, it is encouraging to see other women survive Stage 3. I also can be thankful that my cancer is not triple negative. At least there are more treatment options.

I realized today that one way I can combat this waiting agony is to think of ways I can fight this cancer each and every day. I can do that by eating well and exercising. I'm learning more and more about cancer fighting foods. Food is medicine! It can do you a world of good, and it can also make you sick if you eat junk. I'm trying to do to exercise every day, but I am a bit hamstrung (no pun intended) by my surgical recovery. It has been 5 weeks and I don't want to overdo it by bouncing too much. I try to mix it up so I don't get bored. I'm a little wary of the gym and the germs there, but I did make it there twice this week. I also can do some exercise videos at home, or power walks. Anything to keep my metabolism going, get those endorphins flowing, and blood circulating so the chemo drugs can get to every cell in my body. BAM!

The sunburn feeling on my chest is pretty much gone. Now it feels kind of tight on the incisions. You know the feeling when a cut is healing? It's the same thing. I've been massaging Vitamin E oil onto the scars twice a day. The scabs are starting to flake off too. It's kind of gross, but it makes it look not quite so jagged and Frankenstein-like.

So that's where I am. Enjoying a relaxed weekend. Missing the kids a little bit. Looking forward to their starting school next week when we can get into a routine with new challenges and excitement.

The final countdown

5 more days till round ONE of chemotherapy.

Thankfully, it is a pretty busy week. Today, mom and I went to the gym. Unfortunately, Jean-Marc seems to be going through a separation anxiety thing. As soon as we turned into the parking lot, his little lip started to quiver. By the time we walked into the Kids Club, he was crying. He only lasted 30 minutes. I think I may have to do my gym workouts in the afternoon while he is napping. (Eric works from home, so I can do this).

Mom, Isabelle and I went and got pedicures this afternoon. It was a hoot. Isabelle was loving the whole nail salon experience. It was really fun. I got a really bright pink on my toes and a lighter pink on my nails. I haven't had polish on my nails for a very long time.

After reading lots of chemo tips, I'm starting to gather things that might be helpful. I'm stocking up on hand sanitizers and distributing them all over the place: my purse; the car; diaper bag; each kids backpack, etc. I also got some soups at Trader Joes. I'm not going to prepare too much in the food department. I think I'll wait to see what sounds good. But I think its a good idea to have some stuff ready. I've heard not to eat your favorite foods while on chemo because of the negative association, plus your taste buds change. It's likely that you won't like that food ever again. We'll see.

I made myself a chemo symptom log. I found a weekly appointment calendar template on Word and customized it. For each day, I have about 10 lines to write symptoms and the time of day I'm having them. Each day is numbered with which post-chemo day it is, as well as the date. I can take notes as I experience stuff, then bring it with me to the oncologist when I meet with him. People who know me from ICAN and Scouts could probably see me making some kind of document like this up. I'm a planner/organizer, so this was fun for me to do. It felt like I was actually doing something useful to get ready.

I'm also ordering some more head covering stuff. I ordered a couple of sleep caps from the American Cancer Society that will catch my hair as it falls out. I also am browsing some online scarf vendors. Always on the lookout for pink and plaid! Although my mom is going to make me some stuff, so its not really that urgent for me to get on my own. It's just something to do while I wait for Friday.

The rest of the week is pretty full too. Tomorrow (Tuesday), I have the physical therapy appointment. Wednesday morning we are going to VIP Day at San Elijo Middle School where Olivier will be starting at the end of the month. He'll get his schedule, his pictures taken, his school ID, and be able to walk around the campus and find his classrooms. On Wednesday afternoon, Isabelle's girl scout troop is meeting at FroYo Love to get organized for the fall beach encampment. It will be fun to see everyone again, and we just love FroYo! Thursday I go into the lab for my pre-chemo blood draw. Then bright and early Friday morning is the chemo appointment.

My prayer requests are basically the same as yesterday. Continued healing, less pain. Peace and happiness in the home.

God is good, all the time. Even in the midst of cancer, He is GOOD!

Chemo tips...

As you know, I got my hair cut really short last Friday. On my way home, I stopped by Sprouts to pick up a few things. (Did I mention that I'm driving myself now? It's been since last Thursday.)

Anyway, I'm in Sprouts and my phone rings. It's a really funny ring tone...a baby laughing hysterically. The number was a 619 area, which is San Diego. This summer, a 619 number has usually been a call from Kaiser, so I answered the call. (Um...not to say I screen calls!) It was the volunteer from the American Cancer Society, Pam. The ACS has this mentor program where survivors are paired up with women in cancer treatment and they provide support and tips. She and I talked about a week before my surgery and she was calling again to give me some tips on chemo.

She told me a lot of stuff, some of which I knew already. Some was new. Some I don't think I really agree with (more on that later). I've decided I'll pick and choose and leave the rest.

Here are some of the tips that stand out for me:

• The day before, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. The more water in my system, the more my veins will pop out and they will be able to get the IV line in easily. I've got pretty good veins, but I'll do whatever I can do help the process move along.
• During chemo, it should not burn. If it does, let the nurse know ASAP.
• Get in the habit of carrying around kleenex and ritz peanut butter cracker sandwich cookies. The kleenex for a runny nose-I'll likely lose the hair in my nose and it will cause a drippy nose. (Ew...I hadn't thought of losing hair there). The crackers in case of nausea. She said they were better than saltines since they will bring up my blood sugar. I already have an organic version of these in my pantry in little individual snack baggies. I'm ready.
• It's likely my pee will turn color. She was given Adriamycin (which I'm not taking). The drug itself is bright red and her pee turned red.
• There will be changes in my nails. Dark lines and deep ridges. In rare cases, some people lose their nails--usually their toe nails. Gosh, I hope I'm not one of those.
• She had her last chemo treatment on December 5th. My last will be December 3rd. By Valentines Day, she had a 1/4 inch of hair.
• There may be changes in my voice. Hers dropped an octave.
• Have plastic bags and paper towels in my car in case I need to clean up after myself getting sick.
• Don't be around sick kids. This might be hard. I've got 3 kids. We usually are pretty healthy, but with the older two being in school, you never know. Then there is the nursery at church. My pastor's toddler caught a bug there a couple weeks ago and got his mom and dad sick. That's not good. I'm going to get in the habit of having the older ones wash their hands a LOT, and routinely using a hand sanitizer on Jean-Marc.
• Inspect my mouth daily. Mouth sores are common, and hard to treat. I need to be aware of any developing so they can be treated as soon as possible. Switch to a soft toothbrush and be diligent about oral hygiene. But be careful flossing-use dental tape rather than the thinner floss.
• She had a lot to say about food. This is where I am going to do my own thing. She said that mow isn't the time to diet. If something sounds good, eat it. She said that everyone likes Taco Bell while on chemo. What?? Fast/junk food? She said to avoid raw food--like fresh fruits and vegetables, unless they are in their own "skin" like a banana. Now I understand with a low white blood cell count I need to be careful. But I do only buy organic produce, and also have started using an organic produce wash. I am definitely going to run this one by my oncologist. She went on to say that "white" foods are good. White bread, white pasta, white pudding, white breakfast drink mixes. White stuff. If its white, its okay. Hmmm. I've just spent the last year getting nutritionally void refined flour and sugar OUT of my diet. She lost 40 pounds while on chemo. From our conversation, it seems that nausea was a big problem for her, so whatever she could keep down was what she ate. I don't know. Maybe it will be the same for me. I don't want to lose 40 pounds, but I could stand another 10-20. (Not that I'm dieting--I am NOT!) But I really am worried that the slowdown in my metabolism will make me gain weight back. I got rid of my "fat" clothes. I don't want to go out and have to shop, bald, for clothes in bigger sizes. Above that, if there is one thing I've learned over the past year, is that food is medicine. My body is going to need solid nutrients, not junk food. I think junk food will just make me feel worse. We'll see. I am going to eat as well as I can-solid, healthy nutritional food.

I had this conversation in public as I browsed Sprouts. It kind of typified my life. Here I am, grocery shopping, but talking about this stuff like its the most perfectly normal thing in the world.

Pam didn't go through radiation, so she is going to round up another volunteer to call me in a few months as I start to get mentally prepared for that phase of treatment. I really appreciate this program by the American Cancer Society. It's one thing to read about this stuff in a book. But to talk to someone who has gone through it adds an extra element. If she can do it, I can.

My prayer requests:

• That my body continue to heal from surgery. I do feel like I've made progress. I haven't had any Advil for 2 days. The sunburn pain is manageable. I'm having more shooting, stabbing pains in my incision. I've heard that is a sign of healing? The swelling is also slowly going down on my sides too.
• That I not be afraid of chemo as the date approaches. Right now, I'm not fearful. I'm actually kind of anxious to get going on it. Pray that I stand strong against the enemy that wants to knock me off of this place of peace.
• That there not be any renegade cancer cells in my body. That the surgery took them away 3 1/2 weeks ago. But if there are, that the chemo will be effective against them.
• Eric's health. He's been having some sores in the back of his throat. I'm convinced this is stress related. He's under a lot of pressure as we move into this phase of my treatment. We are kind of hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst-that is, me being laid up for several days at a time throughout the fall. He's got some business trips coming up that he can't miss out on. Thank God for my mom, who is able to come and stay with us and help us get through. For that matter, pray for her health as well!
• Overall peace in our home. With the stress that goes along with mom having cancer, the kids and Eric sometimes get into arguments. Everyone needs to take a few steps back, give each other an extra dose of grace and chill out. I'm sure the enemy is doing a tap dance at times when he sees the conflict.

So its NOT in the genes

I had my follow up appointment today with the genetic counselor to find out the results of my genetic testing.

It was good news for my family and I. I do not have either the BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 gene. At least not with the methodologies available at this time. They don't want to say 100% that I don't have it, but it is about 95% that my cancer is not genetically inherited.

This is good news for me in that I don't have to worry about inheriting ovarian cancer, and it also cuts my risk of reoccurence of breast cancer. On the other hand, because I'm "young" for cancer, my risk of reoccurence goes up simply because I statistically have more years left for cancer to come back.

I'm particularly pleased that this also means that my sister and daughter most likely do not have the gene, either. However, they do have a first degree relative with breast cancer (me), so their chances are higher than the average woman. If you don't know already, those chances are a whopping 1 in 8. So my sister and daughter should be getting a baseline mammogram 10 years before my diagnosis (age 30), and keep a sharp eye on it for life.

On another note, I have made it 27 hours now with NO narcotic pain meds. I still have that sunburn pain in my upper chest. But I realized the pain meds weren't making it totally go away. Were the downsides of being on the meds still worth it? I decided to see if I could go cold turkey make it 24 hours, and with God's help, I did. Eric has looked up the particular medication and said with its half-life, it is out of my system by now. So as long as I don't need to go back on it, I think I may be okay to drive. My range of motion is pretty good. I definitely wanted to be off those meds before chemo next week.

I also signed up to do a 5k walk in October to benefit the American Cancer Society. It's called "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer." I will be in my 3rd week of chemo, with 2 rounds under my belt. I hope I'm up to it physically. Just knowing that its on the calendar will give me a goal to reach.

As part of the walk, I've made the personal goal to raise $1,000 for the American Cancer Society. If you would like to support me in this cause, you can click here to make a donation in any amount. I figured that if everyone I knew or read my blog just donated $5, I would sail over my goal. Of course, you can donate in amounts higher. ;-) I want not only to help raise awareness and funds to help fight breast cancer, but also to give back to an organization that already has given me much.

My prayer requests:

• I need to make a final decision about whether or not to add the adriamycin to my chemo regimen. So wisdom and God's leading in this area would be helpful.
• That this sunburn pain in my upper chest and left arm would decrease and go away. It is worse in the late afternoon and evening.
• That I continue to regain mobility in my surgical areas.

Someone who has been there

I got a call today from a volunteer from the American Cancer Society (ACS). They have a program that matches cancer patients up with survivors with similar situations for advice, counsel, and overall mentoring. I told ACS this morning that I would be interested in talking to someone, and I got a call the same day. Pretty efficient. (As a side note, the American Cancer Society has been amazing. A very worthy charity, they do a lot for cancer patients)

"Pam" was diagnosed at the age of 44. By all measures her cancer was "worse" than mine. She was a "triple negative." The bottom line of that is that it was a more aggressive cancer and not receptive to hormone treatment. Her grade and stage was 3. She had a bilateral mastectomy, which is what I'm mentally gearing up for on Thursday. It was nice to talk to someone else who had been there. I do have a good friend who went through this about a year and a half ago that has been very open with me. But I'm always on the lookout for more information and experiences.

Some useful advice Pam gave me:

• When I wake up, my chest will be flat or even concave. She advised me to wait a day or so to look at it in the mirror. Maybe put my hands up there to "feel" the flatness first. When I do venture a peek, have someone there with me.
• The fluid in the drains will start out red. There may even be "floaties" in it, tissue or other stuff like that. Don't freak out on it. Just measure it and dump.
• The drains will make it difficult to be comfortable. They are probably the worst part. In the hospital, prop my arms up on the sides with pillows. Speaking of pillows, ACS is going to be sending me 3 special pillows to help in my recovery.
• When the drains are removed, it may hurt. The tubes are going to be about 1-2 inches inside my body for several days, if not a week or two. There is the possibility that scar tissue may form around the tubes. When they yank it out, it could hurt. Judy, the nurse at Kaiser, suggested I take a pain pill before the appointment. I will definitely do that.
• Many people have never had cancer or been touched by cancer. So they will say "let me know if there is anything I can do." This is their way of trying to help. I need to let them. Rather than say everything is okay like you have been doing all your life, now is a time for you to come up with things that you need done. Even if its a ride for the kids, or having someone bring you a food you are craving. Get over being self-sufficient.

At one point in the conversation, she mentioned that she didn't know how "attached" I was to my breasts, but they are killing me. I shared with her that I am very aware of that, and wish they were gone already. That I don't even want to touch them. I have very similar feelings towards my cesarean scar, although those have faded with time. But I am repulsed by my breasts, especially the left one, to be sure. Yet, at the same time, I have flashes where the thought of surgery puts a panic in the pit of my stomach. It reminds me of feelings that I have had when pregnant. I'd be going along just fine, and then think about the looming challenge of childbirth and have a momentary freak-out to myself saying, "Oh my God....can I do this?" It is kind of like that, but worse. Because at least at the end of childbirth, you have a baby. At the end of this, I'll be scarred and mutilated with painful recovery and chemo to look forward to.

Pam has survived a stage 3 cancer that was more aggressive than mine. She has gone on to finish her education and live life. She said that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's just that the tunnel takes turns at points where you can't see the light. In those places, you just have to get past it. She is sending me a bunch of stuff, pillows, bra stuffers, etc. from ACS. Nice! More freebies! She is going to call again on Wednesday night to see how I'm doing and answer any last minute questions I may have.

On another positive note, Eric gave me the go-ahead to get some help around the house. I've had two wonderful women here cleaning my house all day. It has been 7 hours so far! They are dusting blinds, doing windows, cleaning appliances...it is fantastic. They are going to be coming every other week for the foreseeable future. He doesn't want me exposed to bacteria and stuff once my immune system is down during chemo. That works for me, I've got to say. :-)

My prayer requests today:

• That I be able to sleep. I've actually slept 6-7 hours each night for the past few nights. But I know that is a gift from God and I'd like it to continue. Especially the night before surgery. I have to report to Kaiser at 9:00 a.m. on Thursday.
• That the cancer not grow anymore.
• That my family not be fearful. Eric had an episode today where he started crying in front of the kids saying that the thought of me not getting through this, "scared the hell out of him." We all have our weak moments. Everyone needs extra strength this week as we gear up for what is to come.

Calls, calls, calls

My week is is such a flux! Today I spent a fair amount of time on the phone trying to sort out my next week's medical schedule. Man! Being a cancer patient is almost a full time job.

I got my MRI scheduled for Wednesday morning down in Hillcrest. The tricky part with that is that I need to hand carry my mammograms. I called Kaiser's X-Ray department last Wednesday to order them. They said it would be 3-5 working days. I'm hoping to be able to pick them up tomorrow (Tuesday), the day before the appointment. That would also let me go down to the American Cancer Society (ACS) Discovery shop and pick out a wig. Yes, a wig. ACS gives a free wig to chemotherapy patients. Goody. I'll take all the freebies I can get. Mom and Isabelle want to go with me to help me pick out something not too lame. Sweet Isabelle. Hopefully that will be my Tuesday afternoon. (Hee hee---I'll be able to work out in the morning!)

I tried to get Friday's chemo consultation moved up earlier, but so far there aren't any openings. I suppose this isn't like getting one's teeth cleaned. Not many cancellations. I just pray that this doctor is "the one." I pray that he is kind, sensitive, and knows his stuff. I'll keep calling to see if I can get in earlier. I'd love to have chemo ASAP to start kicking those cancer cells butts.

I've been getting the run around a bit to get my mammograms from the X-Ray department. I'm still waiting on a return call from them. If I don't hear by 4:30 p.m., (about 30 minutes from now), I'll call again.

I've also been referred to the genetics department. They sent me a family history form to fill out. Cool! Who knew my knowledge of family history would come in handy? Just another example of how God has prepared me for this fight. That appointment is a week from Wednesday (the 30th). If they think I should be tested, they will test for 2 known breast cancer genes. If I have them (or maybe even 1), they may suggest a bilateral mastectomy. The surgeon told me last week that a bilateral mastectomy would make the chances 95% that the cancer would not show up on the right side in the future. We'll see. The genetics stuff is interesting, just not a priority right now.

There is a nice program the American Cancer Society has called "Look Good, Feel Better." It's for chemotherapy patients. It basically is a 2 hour workshop with cosmologists that includes a skin care and makeup program, as well as instructions on options relating to hair loss. I guess they teach you how to tie the head scarves. (I wonder if I can wear some of my Hermes scarves that way?) They also send you home with free makeup. I'm there! Like I said, I'll take all the freebies I can. I called them today also and signed up for a session next Monday.

I've also left messages with the breast care coordinator and an e-mail message to my surgeon about the PET scan results. Eek. I will admit that I am scared to find out that one.

That is a huge prayer request for me right now--that the cancer has not spread. Pray too that I not be fearful. Yesterday in church, we sang a song about leaving our fears behind and casting our cares aside to focus on TODAY, the day that the Lord has made. It's a great song. So easy to sing those words...not so easy to live it.