Red, green and a little bit of blue Christmas

It is Christmas Day!  Happy birthday, Jesus!  It is so strange to think of where I was a year ago and how much my life has changed since then.

I'm feeling a bit schizophrenic. On the one hand, there have been moments of incredible joy and delight.  On the other hand (the left one), I am fighting feelings of frustration and mild depression.

First some of the joy.  It's Christmas!  Who doesn't love that?  Last night, Jean-Marc was so excited.  We let the kids open one present on Christmas Eve-new pajamas.  The bow from the package somehow ended up on his behind.  As it turned out, he liked it that way. When the stickiness wore off, he wanted the bow back one so we had to get some tape to tape it to his butt!  Then he was doing this funny little happy dance on the floor.  It was a riot!  The older two kids were excited too. They went to bed really early.  Olivier in particular is being very skeptical about Santa and trying to bust the myth about all things Santa.  I keep telling him that Santa doesn't bring presents to unbelievers.

I spent the last 2 days in the kitchen cooking and preparing to cook.  That was why I wasn't able to update the blog.  I made a huge feast for Christmas Eve dinner last night-even down to a homemade apple tart.  It was gorgeous-something you would see in a pâtisserie!  I roasted a free range turkey, made some celery and leek stuffing, tried a new cabbage recipe with chestnuts in it, and added some rutabaga to my mashed yukon gold potatoes. All organic, of course!

I had an extra surprise for the family this year.  I bought a family gift to open yesterday afternoon....the game Twister. I thought it would be something fun for us to do.  It was.  We all took turns falling down and winning.  My brother Jared is a typical Graham.  He is pretty competitive and wants to win.  It's in the blood.  Anyway, I had challenged him to a game after beating the kids.  Boy, he was in it to win it! Rather than putting his hand or foot down on the spot closest to him, he would reach over and get into my space. It was a lot of fun.  At one point, he got a bit over-zealous to beat me to a spot and accidentally kicked my left index finger.  Ouch!  Okay, no biggie. But it was my "bad" hand. It was still fun.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I realized at one point that I hadn't put down Jean-Marc's "big" present.  Where was it??  Even though I thought I knew where I had put it, it was enough to disrupt my sleep.  Eric was another source of sleep disruption.  He came home from France fighting a flu bug and succumbed to it yesterday morning.  So he was moaning and groaning all night. Not his fault, but annoying anyway.  Then at about 5 a.m.,  my left hand felt swollen.  I had worn my compression sleeve/gauntlet to bed, but my hand was definitely bigger than it was the night before.

What the heck?  I was so discouraged and upset.  I did my manual drainage and spent some extra time on my hand.  I couldn't help but cry as I did it.  I felt like I had just taken 2 steps back after having taken 1 step forward.  My hand swelling had gone down by Wednesday.  It was looking better, even though not back to normal.  What caused today's swelling?  I have no idea.  Could it have been the kick in the hand from last night?  Or maybe my body is trying to fight off the illness Eric has.  I don't know.  But it looks like this condition is going to be ever-present with me.  I hate feeling fragile, like a walking eggshell.  I am getting physically stronger every day!  I just passed the 3 week post-chemo mark.  I don't want to be dealing with this for the rest of my life, but it doesn't look like I have a choice.  It makes me more angry than the cancer did.

So having that happen on Christmas morning was a bit of a bummer.  But the kids came in our room at 6:01 a.m. and were so excited, I was able to put it to the back of my mind.  As the day has progressed, my hand looks a little better.  I soaked in a warm tub of bath salts that mysteriously showed up in my stocking.  That felt good.  I wonder if bath salts are good for lymphedema?  Don't my midwife friends tell pregnant women suffering from edema to soak in epsom salts?  (Or something like that).  Regardless, the bath felt good and revived my spirits a bit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not super-depressed.  I'm just annoyed and frustrated.  Lymphedema is not life threatening.  Cancer was/is.  So I popped my first two tablets of tamoxifen at noon.  Hopefully, I won't have any adverse reactions to that.  I had the scary thought wondering if I would be allergic to that.  What a mental battle this has been and continues to be!

My prayer requests:

• That the swelling go down in my hand/arm.  You wouldn't realized how often you see your hand in the course of the day.  Every time I see it all puffed up, those emotions are churned. Argh!  My body is revolting against me. I still have to do radiation to that area-I need to be able to control that swelling.
• That I do not have any adverse reactions to the tamoxifen. I'm already having night sweats and hot flashes.  Hopefully they don't get too much worse.  I'm pretty sure that I want this menopause thing to be permanent.  Why go through it twice?  In 2 years, they will test my hormone levels to see if I am post-menopausal. I just want to be able to take this drug.  So please pray for no allergic reactions to the drug. 
• That the tamoxifen be effective in preventing recurrence of cancer.  

Just for fun-Merry Christmas!

Laughter is the best medicine!

Proof of pure joy

Jean-Marc meets Santa for the first time

See what I mean about pure joy??

Pure Joy

Taking a break from yucky cancer news.

Jean-Marc is just such a source of joy right now.  He absolutely LOVES all of the Christmas stuff.  The music, the decorations, Santa, Frosty the Snowman, the tree, you name it, he loves it.   It is so much fun introducing him to the Christmas stuff, and he hasn't even seen Rudolph yet.

Of course, we do talk about baby Jesus.  In fact, the first time he saw a picture of Santa, I asked him who he thought it was and he exclaimed, "Jesus!"

He has a particular fancy for snowmen.  I bought him a little ornament last Saturday of a snowman. I let him choose whichever one he wanted in the store.  He doesn't quite understand that it should stay on the tree.  He wants to carry it around the house.  It's okay, it makes him happy.  I have the DVD of "Frosty the Snowman" and I put it on today while I was wrapping presents.  Now he goes around the house singing "Frosty the Snowman!  Frosty the Snowman!"  He's added to his repertoire of "Jingle Bells...Jingle Bells....Hey!"

Another favorite is "Charlie Brown's Christmas."  I have the DVD that I play in the car while we are running errands.   It cracks him up.  He puts his hands to his cheeks and yells, "Rats!" just like Charlie Brown.  We were in Hallmark today and they had a lot of Charlie Brown stuff.  I bought a package of napkins to use on Christmas Eve.  He doesn't get their utilitarian purpose.  He thinks its for him, so he wanted to take them to nap with today.  Whatever.  Like the snowman ornament, it makes him happy.

The neat thing about it all is that he has no clue about the present end of Christmas.  He is in it for the pure joy of Christmas, not what he can get out of it.  It is so innocent and sweet, and brings joy to my own heart.  That innocence is precious, one of the things the season is all about. It's sad to think that by next year, he probably will have been a little bit spoiled by the gift end of it.

Tomorrow, he gets to meet Santa.  This morning, I asked him if he wanted to meet Santa.  With eyes shining, he said, "Yes!"  Then I asked him if he wanted to sit on Santa's lap.  He wasn't so quick to answer.  A little crease went across his forehead.  His slower answer was...."No."   I explained to him that the kids tell Santa what they want for Christmas.  He kind of warmed to the idea.  We'll see how it goes tomorrow.  If nothing else, I'll have a picture of my third child screaming on Santa's lap.  It will match my other two!

Back to me.  Because that's what this is all about right?  ;-) I'm doing better today.  I'm still swollen, but the hives and rash have faded.  Dr. P called again today to check on me, which is nice.  The nurse I talked to on Saturday night also called to see how I was doing.  I appreciated that and let her know.  I'm still ticked at the doctor who was in such a hurry to get out on Saturday.  I was able to get an appointment with my physical therapist for Thursday.  Hopefully doing the lymphatic massage and exercises and seeing her will help resolve any lymphedema.  I'm not sure the swelling is that because I am puffy elsewhere too.  But hives can trigger it, so I want to do everything I can to avoid it.  Especially since my radiation oncologist wants to treat the underarm (axilla) area.  If he thinks it needs to be zapped to treat this, I want it to be zappable.

Anyway, I hope everyone is able to find some pure joy this Christmas season.  There is nothing like the innocence of a child marveling at all of the beauty around him to give a person a piece of it.

Bring on the holiday!

The bigger boys playing XBox

The smaller boys playing Legos

Thanksgiving was great yesterday.  Both of my brothers were there, as well as my brother Nathan's kids.  My kids had a great time playing with cousins. The food was great and we had a good time together.  We are all a bit tired today.  The kids didn't get to bed until after 10 p.m.  Needless to say, Jean-Marc is taking a very good nap today!

Now I'm ready for Christmas!!

My last round of chemo is one week from today-December 3rd.  I am so ready to be done with this stage of treatment.  I'm tired of watery eyes.  I'm tired of waiting for the next round of chemo.  I'm tired of all the drugs.  I'm tired of not having hair.  I'm tired of having a cold neck. I'm tired of having to put things off until "after."  I'm just ready to be done.

To focus on the positive I took down my fall decorations and brought out the Christmas decorations.  Isabelle and I had fun decking the halls this afternoon.  This is only our second Christmas in this house.  Last year we had just moved the month before.  I decorated, but it was in a hurry because we still were unpacking our lives. We didn't even attempt to put lights up outside.

Nathan entertains with Chuck Norris jokes

This year, I want to do Christmas up big.  There is so much to celebrate, especially the end of chemotherapy.  I hope I never have to do it again. (There I go, worrying about "what if" it comes back.)  I wanted to get a good jump on the decorating to have a lot of it done before chemo next week. As it is, the only time we will be able to get our tree will be next Saturday, which will be Day 2 in that final cycle.  Eric leaves for a business trip to France on the 10th, so next weekend is our only weekend to do it before the holiday. I'm usually energetic enough on Day 2, so it should be okay.  It's Day 3 that I start to fade, an Day 4 that I crash.  We'll have the tree, it just may not be decorated for awhile!

Dad and Eric

It was fun taking out the decorations that we have accumulated over the past 14 years as a family.  Everything had "its" spot at our old house and decorating was a no brainer.  This year, it took some thinking and creativity about where to put things.  I also want to buy some new decorations too.  It helped to get all the "old" stuff out and see where my decorative "holes" are.  Then I'll hit Michael's with a vengeance!

The kids and I also want to put lights up outside.  I'm not sure when we'll be able to do that.  Eric is game, its just a matter of if we can get him to do it before he leaves on the 10th.  It WILL work out, and we will enjoy being able to contribute to the neighborhood's festive look.

Swell!

And not in the good way, either.

I saw my physical therapist again today.  There was some slight swelling on my upper arm - about .7 cm. bigger than last time.  Great.  It wasn't a huge amount, but it is more than we would like.  Basically, lymph fluid is getting trapped and not flowing out of my lower arm area.  Just what we gals need--more "flab" on the underam.

I need to make sure to really work the area when I'm doing my lymph massage.  I also need to start monitoring the circumference of my arm and hand as well.  I won't be going back to physical therapy until after radiation starts, unless I start swelling more.

If I do swell more (usually more than 2 cm), then we have to use a bandage to wrap around the upper arm multiple times.  The compression sleeve I have now will not make the area smaller, but will keep it from swelling.  A bandage will make the area smaller.  Hopefully I won't have to go there. But I do need to wear the sleeve, especially when I'm exercising and during radiation.

We talked a lot about exercise and upper body strength work.  She made some good points, and I'm going to follow her advice and back off of the upper body work on circuits.  The main point was that my focus needs to be on getting through chemo and radiation.  Both of those "treatments" are rough on the body, destroying healthy  cells and tissue as well as the cancer.  While exercise is good, too much upper body work when my body is still recovering from surgery and adjuvant therapy can actually make me weaker in some ways.  That isn't to say I never will be able to do upper body again.  Just not while I'm in treatment for cancer.  Duh.  Slap me upside the head, okay?  I can still do cardio and circuits on the lower body.  But not much upper body, and certainly not with weights.

Got it.

On another note, I was in the mall today and saw the stores all decked out in Christmas decorations.  Any other year, it would have bugged me to see it all out this early.  Not this year--I actually liked it.  I can't help but identify the Christmas season as being "done" with chemotherapy.  Bring on the holly and deck the halls!  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!

Seriously, though.  Chemo is getting old.  I'm ready for it to be over.  I have 2 rounds left, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At first, I was excited to finally be doing it and getting on with treatment.  But I've done it. I've lost the hair, the whole nine yards. I'm ready for it to be over.  And Christmas for me, is a sign that it is getting close.