Always on my mind

Sleep is a good escape. But even before I open my eyes, when those first stirrings of consciousness happen it pops into my head....BREAST CANCER. There is no going back to sleep after that. For the past several days, that moment has been in the 5 a.m. hour. Once it was much earlier and I spent the rest of the night drifting in and out of a semi-conscious restless state. I wouldn't call it "sleep."

When I'm awake during the day, it is always on my mind. Even if I appear to be doing something else, it is ever present. I'm either thinking about the cells themselves, mentally strategizing about what I can do next, or mentally/emotionally preparing for the realities of treatment. Preparing myself for the pain, sure. But also the sights and smells that I'm in for. Scars. It's too bad, because I would like to be able to let it GO and focus on other things, even for a few minutes. I'm trying to maximize family fun in the next couple of weeks, but I can't stop thinking about CANCER. Ugh. At least if I don't share my thoughts, everyone else can have fun and enjoy the moment. Especially the kids. I don't want them to be eaten alive by this as I am.

This morning I was flipping through one of the many "educational" pamphlets I got from somewhere. It was talking about staging. We won't know for sure my stage (0-4) until after the surgery. Because it is in a lymph node, its at least stage 2. I'm assuming because the PET scan didn't show it anywhere else, its not a stage 4. (I hope I'm not assuming too much.) I don't want to be a 3. But if the tumor is big enough, it will be. I suppose it doesn't really matter. I'm in for surgery and chemo. But just thinking that it could be a 3 freaked me out. My heart started racing and I felt like I was going to throw up. I threw the pamphlet away.

I wish I could have this surgery sooner.

My prayer requests today:

• That this cancer does not spread while I wait for surgery.
• That I'm at the earliest stage of cancer as possible. I already know 0 and 1 are out. But I really, really don't want to be at 3. Maybe this worry is silly. But its there.
• That I am able to enjoy some of the time before surgery. Peace of mind would be nice. I know I should be living Philippians 4:6, but it is hard to do in every moment. (Be anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, make your requests be made known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus)
• That the surgery date could be advanced.

May the Lord bless you and keep you today.