First of all, a status report. I'm okay. A little tired. I got a good night of sleep, although I did take the Ativan to do it. I'm hoping to avoid that tonight. I think I may be getting a slight metallic taste in my mouth, especially when I drink water. And I've been drinking a ton of water. I know I'm supposed to, but I'm thirsty too. The metallic taste is particularly noticeable when I have carbonated water. I went to the gym for awhile this afternoon. I took it easy, keeping my heart rate below 140. I did about 35 minutes on the elliptical and 20 on the recumbent bike. I figure I can take it easy this first week after a round, and hopefully be able to increase the intensity later on. Even if I can't, I just want to keep my body moving so my metabolism doesn't completely shut down.
Other than some fatigue, I feel pretty normal. But my mind is so wrapped up in cancer. I need to find a way to LIVE each day. Not just be consumed with every little twinge. In the shower today, my scalp felt a little sensitive. Now I've read that your scalp tingles before the hair falls out, so I was thinking, "Wow! Is this it?" I don't think so, its still kind of early. But its the next thing to "look forward" to, so I'm anticipating it. Paranoia, anyone?
This is the kids' last week of summer vacation. If I continue to feel okay, I should do some fun things with them. But a part of me just wants to be able to not do anything else but just take care of myself and myself alone. I feel kind of selfish. I just feel like focusing on MY day: getting exercise; getting rest. Reading a book. Watching a movie. Eating what I want. Not having to worry about everyone else around me. But I can't. I still have mommy duties. Especially since Eric is on a business trip this week. I can't check out, I need to do even more. I feel bad even voicing this selfish stuff. Its ugly. I love my kids, I just don't want to have to deal with them right now. How terrible is that? If I was knocked out sick, it would almost be easier. At least I wouldn't feel guilty because I would just not be physically capable of doing things.
Don't get me wrong--I don't want to be sick! I'm very thankful that I seem to be handling this as well as I am. I am not taking any of it for granted. It is a gift from God, and a direct answer to prayers. I thank you all for your continued prayers and support for my family and I.
My prayer requests:
- That the kids and I enjoy each other's company tomorrow. That we do something fun and lively. That I can snap out of this selfish funk. I don't like it. I want to be a fun mom, not a selfish one.
- That my family be resistant to infections. Tomorrow, I start a week of prophylactic antibiotic Cipro because my white blood cell counts are probably lower. It's more than just me-everyone around me needs to stay well so they don't make me sick.
- That this chemo work on any remaining cancer in my body.