The problem is all with me. I have absolutely zero patience and tolerance for normal two year old right now. I tried today, I really did. But I'm still in pain. My mind is still consumed with cancer. I don't feel like myself physically or mentally.
Mamie loves to indulge the kids, as most grandparents do. When the kids are little like Jean-Marc, we find the first few days pretty rough. We just don't put up with the stuff they get used to. Like toys on the highchair tray. And Jean-Marc had 2 1/2 weeks of having an adult 100% committed to his pleasure his every waking moment. I just can't do it. I tried today, I really did.
Before I knew I had cancer, I had wanted to try potty training. But I know it takes so much commitement from the primary caregiver that I put it on the backburner. While my mother in law was here, she got him on the road to potty training. I didn't ask her to do it, but she was happy to get Jean-Marc going on the potty. She really felt like she was doing me a favor. He was doing great. With her. Not so much for me today. She would sit him on the potty, let him play with his bath toys and even let him play with water. I tried it today after breakfast. He immediately dumped a full cup of water all over my slippered foot. Ugh. We're done with the water. I still had to get ready for church myself, so I couldn't sit there all morning and coddle a poop out of him. Besides, he didn't really eat that large of a breakfast. I tried after lunch too. We stayed there for at least 15 minutes. I brought out every single bath toy. Nothing. Olivier helped me put him down for his nap. After the nap, he woke up, you guessed it....with a poopy diaper. Before dinner he asked for the potty and we went as fast as we could up the stairs with him climbing on his own (I can't carry him). But he had already wet. After dinner, the same thing happened, except this time it was poopy. I cleaned him up and started the bath. While it filled, I tried to get him to sit down and see if he could pee, but he just wanted in the water. Fine. Olivier came and put him in and we did the bath. After the bath, I tried to get him to sit down, but he ran into his room buck naked. Okay, fine. I figured if he had to pee, it probably happened in the tub. Before I could get his pajamas and diaper together, I look at him and he's peeing all over one of his favorite toys! Arrrgh! So frustrating.
I can't help but feel a little irritated for even finding myself on this potty training road. I did not ask for this yet! But here I am, and I feel like I have to keep trying. But I don't have the patience right now. I can't even pick my own kid up to bathe/dress/change him, and I'm supposed to follow through on potty training?
He deserves a better mom right now. I can't even give him the kind of hug I would like. I find myself almost resenting him at times, and that is just so wrong. The older kids are easier, they can entertain themselves. They can understand that I'm going through something hard right now and help out. Jean-Marc is barely two years old and he needs a mom that can take care of him and work with him. I wish I could be that mom right now. I'm frustrated at myself for my own inability. I'm frustrated at my body for still being in pain from surgery. I'm frustrated that as soon as I am going to feel better from surgery, I'm going to be going through chemotherapy and then I'll probably be feeling awful in a multitude of ways. What kind of mom will I be then??
My prayer requests:
- For patience. With everyone and everything. With myself. With my kids. With Eric. With my body. With God for not pulling me out of this pit faster.
- For my body to heal. I'm still in pain. It is tiring. I want to be able to stop taking narcotics, but the most I can go down to is 3 a day. Someone today said that the pain meds make you heal faster. I can take some comfort in that, I guess. But still...I want off of them.
- For Jean-Marc not to feel abandoned and ripped off. I can't help but feel like I'm doing that. Even when I'm physically there, I'm wishing that I wasn't. I'm wishing that I was doing something else, napping, blogging, reading. How awful is that? I love him to pieces, but just can't deal with his normal stuff. I guess this request relates back to the first one.