Busy living in training

It has been a busy week so far, so I missed posting yesterday.  Everything is going fine.  Normal, even.  Almost like we aren't a family living with cancer.  I've just been shuttling kids from school to activities, cooking dinner, and getting people taken care of.  Olivier has been functioning with a cold, but he's hanging in there.  He's testing for his next belt level in karate this afternoon.  Isabelle had her first flute lesson with the elementary school band.  She is so excited!  Jean-Marc is as cute as ever. The potty training is going well enough.  A few accidents here and there, but that is to be expected.

I've been trying to get in a workout each day.  Training sessions, I'm thinking of them.  The gym Monday, a power walk yesterday after some pilates.  Today was my Jillian DVD "Banish Fat, Boost Metabolisom" (which I will refer to as BFBM from now on).  Tomorrow mom and I are going to meet for a walk before my first appointment and I may do BFBM in the afternoon.  Friday is "chemo day" so I won't be working out then.

Cancer treatment is coming back, though. Tomorrow I go in for all of my "pre-chemo" appointments.  Blood draw at 9 a.m., oncologist at 10 a.m. and getting my "foobies" and a compression sleeve/gauntlet at 1:00 p.m.  I'm disappointed that I'll miss Isabelle's student council speech which is at 1:30 p.m.  I'm hoping that my mom will be able to go and record it for me.

I have been debating whether or not to blog about this next topic....but what the heck.  This blog is as much of a journal for myself as it is anything else.  And who knows? Maybe it can help someone else.  I've been expecting to be thrown into menopause from the chemo.  Dr. P said that because I'm young, my body might resist it.  Well, it has been resisting strongly!  I had a week or so of being impatient and irritable (I think it came across in a few of my posts).  Then a week of spotting and very light flow.  Then this week it has been quite heavy.  With no end in sight.  Enough already!   It has been so much that I'm a little concerned about my iron levels.  I've been eating a lot of iron-rich foods for the past couple of days.  I'm definitely going to ask Dr. P about this tomorrow.  It just feels like my body doesn't know what the heck to do.  So much confusion going on!  

I do feel a total schizophrenia of sorts.  In one sense, I'm in almost the best shape of my life.  Not "the" best, that was right before surgery in July.  But aside from the ability to lift weights, the best condition of my life.  I'm eating the healthiest food I've ever eaten and I'm at the healthiest weight as an adult that I've ever been.  Yet I'm battling CANCER and having pretty strong drugs pumped into me every three weeks that damage normal cells as well as the bad ones.  It is such a bizarre dichotomy.  No wonder my reproductive system doesn't know what to do.

My prayer requests:

• That my blood draw show that everything is fine and that I can proceed with the chemo on Friday. 
• That Dr. P have some insight into my "female" issues.  Hopefully this does not mean that I've got way too much estrogen in me...that feeds the cancer. If there is a problem, that Dr. P have a solution that addresses it.
• That God's will be done with the student council elections.  Especially if it means that Isabelle wins!  But if she doesn't, that she be able to accept that and grow from it.  
• That Olivier continue to battle and beat this cold...and that Isabelle, Eric and I do not come down with it. 
• That I do not develop lymphedema in my left arm.  I've been doing my manual drainage technique after the shower each day.  I'm just kind of paranoid about this right now.  Especially with the heat we have been having this week. 

Blessed!

I was so blessed by everyone at church today.  Everyone was so kind and nice.  There were people who didn't know until today about my battle, and those that already knew were just so kind.  It really was a wonderful and uplifting time to have everyone be so nice.  That's not to say people at church aren't normally kind!  But seriously, the fellowship at Calvary Chapel Escondido is simply amazing.  If you are local and need a place to worship, fellowship and learn more about the bible, check it out.  It's right off the 15 freeway at El Norte Parkway.

I also met a breast cancer survivor this morning.  It was a lady that I'd met before during the "meet and greet" portion of the service where you introduce yourself to folks around you.  Hers was a familiar face, but I had no idea she had fought breast cancer.  I remember awhile back her hair being short, but was totally clueless as to why.  It's funny now how I zero in on stuff like that.  Either super short hair, or something on the head (without obvious hair).  I can't help but thing.....cancer!  But before June, I was oblivious.  It was great to make that connection.  As it turns out, she also had Kaiser.  She knew the nurse that I have (the one who is a Christian as well).  She also told me that our nurse had also taken care of our former pastor's wife several years ago. Joyce fought breast cancer for a good 3 years before going home to the Lord.  I'm looking forward to my chemo appointment on Friday to chat with the nurse about our mutual friends and sisters!

The potty training is going well, thank you Jesus!  Today there were no accidents.  He even stayed dry during church.  I put him on the big potty right as I dropped him off, and right as I picked him up.  He was a little worried about falling in, but he leaned forward and held onto me.  It's going very well!

This week is sure to be a busy one.  Tuesday, Olivier has a court of honor for his boy scout troop.  Wednesday is Isabelle's first day of band.  At some point in the next week, I need to get her a flute.  Olivier also has a "test" in karate to advance to the next belt level-something he has been looking forward to since starting in March.  He'll finally get a colored belt instead of white!  On top of that is homework, piano, and my medical appointments!  I'm sure Friday will be here before I know it.

My prayer requests:

• That the potty training continue to go well.  That Eric and I have the patience needed to continue it.  We've jumped off the cliff, and there is no turning back.  I just pray that we don't get upset over the inevitable accidents and make the process go backward. 
• That my blood work on Thursday show that I am healthy to go forward with chemo on Friday.
• That any cancer cells in my body DISAPPEAR!  If they are there, that the chemo drugs disrupt their cycle and they DIE.

Success!

I mentioned yesterday how I am just living life until chemo next week. Most of that revolves around being a mom.

I decided to jump off the potty training cliff.  I have a few days with not much going on, so I can stick close to home with Jean-Marc.  He's totally aware of when he goes, he even goes and gets a diaper when he needs a change.  It was just going to take some focus and dedication from me to get it done. My overall irritation factor has decreased over the past few days, I feel good physically (which may very well change after chemo next week).  So I decided its now or much later.

We've had 3 accidents so far today, but by far we've had more success today.  The key was just having him go without bottoms and having the little potty nearby so he could run to it when he felt the urge.  He even did it for #2!  Yippee!  We are off to a great start.

I've run into a little bit of frustration with Kaiser on two fronts.  First of all, I am always curious to get my monthly "Summary of Accumulation" statements to see how much we've spent thus far for the year and to see where we are as far as our annual deductible ($3,000 for the kids and I), and our annual out of pocket maximum ($6,000).  Last month, we had met the deductible and were $3,400 and change towards the annual out of pocket maximum.   The statement I got this week said we were only $9.74 towards both.  What??  That made no sense.  I called their 800# and had to leave a message with a girl who wasn't usually answering the phones for that department due to "an unusually high call volume."  Gee, I wonder why.  Perhaps they screwed others up as well.  She asked why I thought it was wrong.  I told her, "I was diagnosed with breast cancer in June and have been through a mastectomy and 2 rounds of chemo, so I know I've incurred more than $10.  Besides, it doesn't make much sense compared to last month's statement."  After I said the words "breast cancer" I heard her suck in her breath and go, "Oh I'm so sorry."  BAM!  Cancer bomb dropped. Kaboom!

I didn't get a call back, so I sent them an e-mail last night.  This morning, they replied that they had forwarded my message on to the appropriate places as a "formal complaint."  Okay. Whatever.  I don't want to be a complainer, but whatever.  Just fix it!

The second irritant concerns the blood work I need to get done the day before chemo.  To get a lab appointment, you have to call a number and then wait for them to call you  back.  I left the message on Tuesday and finally got a call back after hours last night (Wednesday).  They had no clue because there was no order for the blood work in the system.  So I had to e-mail my oncologist and ask that he order the blood work so I could get it done.  I got an answer this morning from his nurse that he was out of the office until Monday, but she was able to release the orders.  Okay.  So now I'm again waiting for the call back from the lab.

I got thrown a curve ball this afternoon that upset me for a few minutes.  I hadn't been to the gym or done a real kick butt workout all week.  I've walked and done pilates, but nothing that really made me sweat.  If I don't sweat a lot, I don't feel like I've gotten much of a workout.  I was looking forward to going to the gym and doing some hardcore cardio before picking Isabelle up at school.  Thursdays I don't have to pick up at the middle school, so I have time.  My carpool partner called and was stuck at work and needed me to pick up.  Well, of course I'll have to.  But I'll miss the gym!  Waaah!  I got over it, though.  Partly because Jean-Marc pooped on the potty.  But then I realized that I could do my Jillian DVD after I get home with Isabelle today (which I was planning for tomorrow) and I can do the gym thing tomorrow afternoon.  Just swap the days. I get frustrated when my plans get changed by circumstances out of my control.  You would think I would have been able to roll with the punches considering how the cancer thing has totally thrown me for a loop.

Next Thursday is going to be busy.  Lab appointment (eventually), pharmacy pickup for round #3s Cipro, oncology appointment in the morning.  Then at 1 p.m., I have an appointment at the Women's Health boutique to get my foobies and a compression sleeve for my arm.  My measurements were slightly bigger on the left arm on Monday, so the physical therapist went ahead and gave me the diagnosis of "lymphedema" so the sleeve would be covered.  Otherwise, my surgeon told me yesterday that it would have been out of pocket.  Whew.  I just don't want the swelling to increase, so I've been practicing the manual drainage technique each day that I learned on Monday. Something else to add to the daily routine.  Thank you, breast cancer.

My prayer requests:

• That the potty training go well with Jean-Marc.  That I am able to maintain my patience and sanity over the next several days as we go through the nitty gritty of it. 
• That the administrative issues with Kaiser be resolved without hassle.  It seems like a pretty clear mistake to me.  Let's pray that they admit it and fix it.  
• That I continue to feel good and get stronger in the next week so I'm in shape for round 3 next week. That the chemo drugs already in my system do their job. Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since my hair started falling out.  It was 2 weeks from my first round of chemo.  I wonder if the stubble will come out now that I'm at that point in this round?  

Quick update

I'm finding it hard to carve out a time to blog now that my mother in law is gone. When she was here, I would do it in the morning while she was taking care of Jean-Marc. Today was particularly hard since it is Isabelle's birthday. Mom and I took her to see the Ramona and Beezus movie this afternoon while Jean-Marc is napping. Maybe his nap time will be a good blog time for me as well.

We went to the gym this morning and once again it had the pain relieving effect. So much so that this afternoon rather than taking a pain pill, I just took some Advil. So far today, I've only had 2 pills. Bedtime will make 3. Not bad. I do want to get off of them completely if possible before chemo on the 20th.

On the way to the movie, we stopped off at Kaiser so I could pick up my chemo medications. Not the actual chemo, but the meds that are supposed to help me handle the chemo. All I have to do now before chemo is get a blood draw on the day before.

The pain I've had is mostly that sunburn feeling. Even a hard shower hurts my upper chest above the incisions and my left arm. I think I read somewhere that is caused by nerve damage. I think it will fade with time, but I think there will just be some degree of it to live with. I had some strange pains about a half an hour ago along the incision area. If I didn't know better, it almost felt like pain in my left nipple. Except I don't have one of those anymore. Strange.

Today was better with regard to the potty thing. I told Eric that I just did not have it in me to deal with that right now. It's easier for me to change cloth diapers than deal with training. So he is trying. He got 2 pees in the potty. If he wants to tackle it, then he's welcome to try it. I won't stand in the way, but I'm not going to get emotionally invested like I did yesterday. Jean-Marc and I had some sweet moments today, so I'm feeling better about all that. It also helped for me to look at the calendar and realize that I'm pre-menstrual. Maybe for one of the last times in my life.

I'm doing my arm and chest stretches 2 times a day now. My right arm has about 95% of its range of motion back. The left is probably around 70%. As I stretch, it gets a little looser. Better and better each day.

Continued prayers for healing are much appreciated!

Beyond frustrated

My mother in law left this morning. We knew it would be difficult for Jean-Marc. It was, but not as bad as I had feared. It was worse for me. When we got him out of bed, he was asking for "Mamie." We just would say that she was going to be with Papie. ("Mamie" and "Papie" are the kids' names for Eric's parents). It wasn't too bad.

The problem is all with me. I have absolutely zero patience and tolerance for normal two year old right now. I tried today, I really did. But I'm still in pain. My mind is still consumed with cancer. I don't feel like myself physically or mentally.

Mamie loves to indulge the kids, as most grandparents do. When the kids are little like Jean-Marc, we find the first few days pretty rough. We just don't put up with the stuff they get used to. Like toys on the highchair tray. And Jean-Marc had 2 1/2 weeks of having an adult 100% committed to his pleasure his every waking moment. I just can't do it. I tried today, I really did.

Before I knew I had cancer, I had wanted to try potty training. But I know it takes so much commitement from the primary caregiver that I put it on the backburner. While my mother in law was here, she got him on the road to potty training. I didn't ask her to do it, but she was happy to get Jean-Marc going on the potty. She really felt like she was doing me a favor. He was doing great. With her. Not so much for me today. She would sit him on the potty, let him play with his bath toys and even let him play with water. I tried it today after breakfast. He immediately dumped a full cup of water all over my slippered foot. Ugh. We're done with the water. I still had to get ready for church myself, so I couldn't sit there all morning and coddle a poop out of him. Besides, he didn't really eat that large of a breakfast. I tried after lunch too. We stayed there for at least 15 minutes. I brought out every single bath toy. Nothing. Olivier helped me put him down for his nap. After the nap, he woke up, you guessed it....with a poopy diaper. Before dinner he asked for the potty and we went as fast as we could up the stairs with him climbing on his own (I can't carry him). But he had already wet. After dinner, the same thing happened, except this time it was poopy. I cleaned him up and started the bath. While it filled, I tried to get him to sit down and see if he could pee, but he just wanted in the water. Fine. Olivier came and put him in and we did the bath. After the bath, I tried to get him to sit down, but he ran into his room buck naked. Okay, fine. I figured if he had to pee, it probably happened in the tub. Before I could get his pajamas and diaper together, I look at him and he's peeing all over one of his favorite toys! Arrrgh! So frustrating.

I can't help but feel a little irritated for even finding myself on this potty training road. I did not ask for this yet! But here I am, and I feel like I have to keep trying. But I don't have the patience right now. I can't even pick my own kid up to bathe/dress/change him, and I'm supposed to follow through on potty training?

He deserves a better mom right now. I can't even give him the kind of hug I would like. I find myself almost resenting him at times, and that is just so wrong. The older kids are easier, they can entertain themselves. They can understand that I'm going through something hard right now and help out. Jean-Marc is barely two years old and he needs a mom that can take care of him and work with him. I wish I could be that mom right now. I'm frustrated at myself for my own inability. I'm frustrated at my body for still being in pain from surgery. I'm frustrated that as soon as I am going to feel better from surgery, I'm going to be going through chemotherapy and then I'll probably be feeling awful in a multitude of ways. What kind of mom will I be then??

My prayer requests:

• For patience. With everyone and everything. With myself. With my kids. With Eric. With my body. With God for not pulling me out of this pit faster.
• For my body to heal. I'm still in pain. It is tiring. I want to be able to stop taking narcotics, but the most I can go down to is 3 a day. Someone today said that the pain meds make you heal faster. I can take some comfort in that, I guess. But still...I want off of them.
• For Jean-Marc not to feel abandoned and ripped off. I can't help but feel like I'm doing that. Even when I'm physically there, I'm wishing that I wasn't. I'm wishing that I was doing something else, napping, blogging, reading. How awful is that? I love him to pieces, but just can't deal with his normal stuff. I guess this request relates back to the first one.