Tears in a bottle

I woke up earlier than usual this morning. When I got up at 5 a.m. for what was supposed to be a potty break, I rubbed my left eye and ended up wrinkling my contact lens into the corner of my eye. I tried to go back to sleep and just ignore it until 6 a.m. When Eric got up at 5:30, I got up and fixed my contact and decided to use the extra time for prayer.

It had been several days since I had come before the Lord. I pray throughout the day as I'm doing my daily activities. Kind of a running talk with God. But I hadn't sat down before Him and focused on what I was saying. I'm such a bad kid. After all He has done for me, I can't set aside the time to simply talk to Him and read His word a few minutes?

I started off with thanking Him for allowing me to get through the night without pain meds. Yep, that's right. Last night I took Advil instead of the pain med. I thanked Him for getting me through the night and asked that He would get me through the day as well. I know He will. And then it happened. The floodgates opened. Tears began springing from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. Not sad tears. I kind of think of them as holy spirit tears. It happens to me sometimes when I feel the Spirit close. It blew my mind because it happened almost immediately. I didn't have to "warm up" or anything. It was like God was sitting right there waiting for me to say Hi. And the second I did, He just showered me with love, comfort, peace and understanding.

The more I thought about how good He was to be waiting for me, the more the tears came. All I had to do was turn to Him and He was there. He is so faithful, and I am not. I'm so glad that God is not like me. If someone I loved blew me off, would I be there waiting at a moments notice to shower them with love? Or would I be aloof and make them do something to prove their love to me before I would give them the time of day?

It felt so good to just sit there and marinade in the Holy Spirit. Without words, just lifting all of my cares, concerns, worries to Him. Tears streaming down my face. Knowing that God takes account of every little thing about me...even the number of my tears. The tears that He collects into a bottle (Psalm 56:8). He knows everything about me. He protected me throughout my life, during some pretty stupid actions on my part to bring me to this place. He cares for me and will not leave me alone in this time.

I opened up my Bible at random. My eyes settled on Psalm 37. It was like a personal message delivered just to me. It's a pretty long Psalm, too long to put down in its entirety here. But I'll share some of the highlights. For me, the "enemy" and "evildoers" refers to is my cancer. Of course, it is Satan as well. Satan would love to use my cancer as a way for me to turn from the Lord, to curse His name.

1 Do not fret because of evildoers,

Nor be nevious of the workers of iniquity.

2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, (chemo is on the way)

And wither as the green herb.

3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;

Dwell inthe land, and feed on

His faithfulness.

4 Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him,

And He shall bring it to pass.

6 He shall bring forth your

righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday.

7 Rest in the Lord, and wait

patiently for Him;

Do not fret because of him who

prospers in his way (the cancer cells who may be prospering in my body right now)

Because of the man who brings

wicked schemes to pass.

8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;

Do not fret--it only causes harm.

9 For evildoers shall be cut off;

but those who wait on the Lord,

They shall inherit the earth.

10 For yet a little while and the

wicked shall be no more; (chemo will knock those cancer cells out)

Indeed, you will look carefully

for his place,

But it shall be no more.

11 But the meek shall inherit the hearth,

And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

The Psalm is wonderful. It describes how the wicked cancer is doing its best to slay me, but how God will prevail and deliver me from them. It ends beautifully:

29 But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

He is their strength in the time of trouble.

40 And the Lord shall help them

and deliver them;

He shall deliver them from the wicked,

And save them,

Because they trust in Him.

Amen! No matter what happens on this journey, God is my salvation. He knows the number of my days on this earth. He has me here fighting this fight for a purpose. May I be faithful to Him. I'll never be as faithful as He is to me. He is my strength, my shield, and my song. Cancer is hard. But I'm so grateful that He is with me to see me through it. I would be a complete and utter mess without Him in my life. This morning was another experiential moment at the feet of my faithful and loving Lord. I am blessed!