It is strange when I run into people right now around town. Do they know? Or not? Do I act like everything is "normal?" What is normal, anyway? I certainly don't feel normal. I'll never feel like I did before. I've been changed forever. Right now, I'm in pain. The typical superficial answers to the "How are you?" question seem so awkward and forced. So far, I've not brought up my cancer to this casual question. Should I have? I don't want to be all bright and sunny saying everything is hunky dory, because its not.
Right now, I'm wrapped up in this whole cancer thing. It is hard not to talk about it. I eat, breathe, think, sleep cancer. Maybe as the pain of surgery subsides, it will also go away. By then, I'll probably be losing my hair and it will be obvious.
Anyway, if you're a local and we run into each other, let me know that you know so I don't have to pretend. It's just weird otherwise. I'm not sensitive about it. I'd rather have it mentioned than pretend that its not there. It's something that is hard for me to bring up as an answer to the passing "How are you?" question. Does this person really want to know how I am? Or is it just something polite to say when you run into someone?
I hope this doesn't come across as angry or anything. I'm just looking for a way for it not to be awkward not only for me but everyone else. I can foresee this happening more and more as we get closer to school starting. I already feel awkward in my own skin. I hope I can "fit in" where I did before and not feel like a bug under glass.
Does this make sense?