For 2 weeks now, I've lamented about waiting for my hair to fall out. Now that it is, I'm feeling a little bit of panic about it all. I'm not ready! All it takes is a little tug, and the hair comes out in my hand. It's also coming out when I brush it. I had hair all over the counter this morning. Thank goodness I got it cut short!
I know its just a few days until I can't take it anymore and will want it buzzed. I'm not quite ready to take that step just yet. I'm not ready! I don't have a wig. I have a few scarves and hats...but I'm not ready to HAVE to use them just yet. Or am I?
Maybe it won't even be a few days. Gulp. Maybe I just need to step off that cliff. After all, I would be the one in charge of when and how it comes off. That could be empowering. It does make my heart jump every time I pull out hair. But I'll look like GI Jane. I think of all the mornings, especially as a mother of young children, when I would go out without even thinking about how my hair looked. When it was longer, I spent an entire summer with it up in a clip. Or throw on a headband. I had kids, or I was on my way to the gym. Whatever. I looked ridiculous and it didn't matter. Why am I so bothered by how it looks now?
Perhaps because it is going to signal to the world something that I do not feel inside. Will I get those pitying looks from total strangers now instead of just those who "know" what is going on? I don't want those looks from anyone! I feel strong. I feel healthy, despite the fact of cancer. I'm in the best physical shape of my life...I AM NOT SICK! But the bald head will tell the world something else. It will make it "real." Funny how being flat chested with scars a foot long aren't as traumatic.
On the other hand, I won't have to go through the internal mental questioning when I talk to someone new. Do they know? Or do they not know? It will be pretty obvious now.
Anyway, that is where I am now. I need to just process this all for a day or so. Prayers are appreciated!