Being grateful

One song I enjoy running to is Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger."  I've always believed that to be true in life. Each situation we face makes us adapt, change and grow to deal with and, hopefully, overcome it.

I spent several years working with an birth education and advocacy group, The International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN). My involvement grew out of my own bad experience with Olivier's cesearan birth in 1999. As I became more aware of the physiological and political issues surrounding the birth industry, I was able to go on to have two amazing home births with Isabelle and Jean-Marc. I got involved in ICAN, a group that I found much support and information from during my subsequent pregnancies. I like to think that I helped other women avoid some of the same mistakes that I made the first time around. My cesarean experience definitely made me stronger, but it took me a long time to get to the point of saying that I was grateful for that experience. But now, I can honestly say that I am grateful for my cesarean and for the person it forced me to become.

A new friend, (who found me through this blog), mentioned an interview with "Soul Surfer" Bethany Hamilton. Bethany was asked if she could do her life over, would she have not gone surfing that day or gotten out of the water before the shark came?  And she said, "No", because she has been able to reach so many more people to tell them about her faith and God's love than she ever would have if she'd remained a normal surfer girl.

That got me to thinking...will I ever be able to say that I am grateful for my cancer? Maybe not grateful, but would I ever wish that it didn't happen to me if I could have it all to do over?

Honestly, I don't know right now. Sometimes I look back on what I went through and it doesn't even seem real. Did that really happen to me?  It doesn't take long before I have a glance in the mirror and see my scarred body to confirm that, yes, it did.

If it weren't for the lingering specter of recurrence, I probably could get to the point of being grateful someday. Even with the lymphedema that will always be an issue in my life, I could probably get to that point.  But the thought of the cancer coming back at any time really plays games with your head, because its never really over.

That being said, I can think of some things that I appreciate having gone through cancer and treatment that I would not have necessarily experienced if I did not have the experience.  First of all, I have been able to experience the love, care and keeping of God in a way I never had before. It was experiential at times. It was palpable. I think of my biopsy or my surgery, when I could actually feel the presence of the Lord with me, keeping me, whispering scripture into my mind to bring me peace and calm.

I learned through experience that God's promises in the Bible are true. Things like, "I will not leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5-6) Or the promise from Joshua 1:9 that I wore on a necklace to every chemotherapy appointment: "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Even simple things like being able to sleep at night because "He gives to His beloved sleep." (Psalm 127:2)  I KNOW these things are true because He did them for me. Based on that, I can rest assured that the rest of the promises in the  Bible are true as well.  (Which really puts one in a place of peace during these crazy times.)  Even if the cancer comes back and is what ultimately makes this body die, I know based on the promises in His Word where I'll be, because "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8)

Another thing I appreciate is the fellowship of other breast cancer survivors. What an amazing bunch of people they are!  Most of them not only have or are going through treatment, but they all try to help others in some way. Many do help through participating in walks or events and raising money for cancer charities. Others have informative blogs, or give back by volunteering to help run support groups and working one on one with women as they go through treatment.  We don't all see eye to eye on all issues related to breast cancer, treatment, pink ribbons, etc. But we all respect each other's experience and I always feel a genuine warmth from all of them.

Having had breast cancer has certainly put the women in my family on alert, as well as many of my friends and acquaintances. If it could happen to me at 40, it can happen to anyone.  Hopefully this heightened awareness will lead every woman to check her breasts regularly, know what they feel like, know what is normal so if there are any changes, she can alert her care providers immediately. I believe that is even more important than mammograms. (Remember...I had a "clean" mammogram a month before I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer!)

While I will never reach the celebrity of Bethany Hamilton, I hope that my experience has reached out and helped others. I hope that people can see evidence of God's love through my experience and be strengthened in their own faith.

So while I am not "grateful" that I had cancer, I am beginning to see how God has used it for good purposes.  I know that He works all things together for the good (Romans 28:8).  I pray that this list of things that I have come to appreciate grows as I reflect on the past 25 months and move forward in my "post-cancer" life.

Take home points

I had the pleasure of sharing some of my testimony yesterday at a Women's breakfast at Calvary Chapel of Escondido. In preparing for my talk, I went through this blog and re-lived my journey with cancer.  It was very good for me to step back and look at this experience in a compressed period of time. There were three main "take home" points that I shared with the ladies.  Since most of my readers were not present, I would like to share them here. Plus, I kind of ran over time (okay, by a lot...like 30 minutes!) I am going to expand on what I actually said so it may make more sense.

Keep in mind my entire story as you read this. It may sound flippant if taken out of context. But I've come to this after a longish road of trial and walking the walk. I continue to be concerned that it is not really over. I live in persistent concern (I don't want to use the word "fear") of recurrence. This is what I've learned so far:

YOU CAN BE JOYFUL, EVEN WHEN IT HURTS
"Joy" is not dependent on your relative circumstances. Joy does not come from having things, or being comfortable. Sure, it can make you momentarily happy. But a deep, abiding joy only comes from knowing the Lord. It's hard to describe if you don't have that. But even in the midst of cancer, in my darkest moments, I can say that I had the joy of the Lord. Not even cancer could take that away from me. In fact, having cancer actually made me realize what a gift I have been given in Christ. That the Creator of the universe, my Lord, has been by my side helping me get through this entire ordeal. Maybe some would be angry that God let them get cancer in the first place.  Honestly, I've never thought this way. Trials happen to everyone. I see this as an opportunity to be refined. Yes, it hurts. But I am being brought closer to my Lord. I can find joy in that.

So how can you find joy when you are in the middle of something really hard? When I was having a difficult time during treatment, I found it very helpful to count my blessings. Yes, I know that sounds corny. But it worked. Here was my list from about a year ago, when I was in the middle of chemo:

I'm thankful that:

• I found the lump under my arm when I did. 
• My family supported me throughout this trial.
• I have a wonderful family in Christ that has lifted me up in prayer continually
• The advancements in breast cancer treatment make a diagnosis not necessarily a death sentence. I'm also thankful that I have access to treatment.
• That I am the one with cancer, and not one of my kids.
• For having the Lord by my side at all times, giving me the strength to press on.

What if the worst was to happen? What if I die from cancer? I know where I am going-I'll be with Jesus in glory. While the temporary separation from my loved ones would be hard, ultimately the ones I love that also are in Christ will be with me for eternity. We can't even conceive of how amazing this is going to be!

BE READY
I did not know that cancer was coming. But God did. He knew all about it before I was even born. We all will face various trials in our lives. They may be physical, spiritual, or mental. We need to be strong physically and spiritually so that we can meet these trials head-on.  We need to be good stewards of what He has given us.

In my case, I am so thankful that God planted the desire to get into physical shape before my diagnosis. I was at the strongest I've ever been in my life when I was diagnosed. Having that outlet of exercise has not only been good for my prognosis, but helped me get through treatment. It would have been a much different story if I was not in shape at the outset.

So why not make efforts to be healthier now?  It can't hurt. Exercise helps with a range of physical problems. It also helps prevent so many health issues. God made our bodies to move and exert themselves. Our lifestyle in modern America has made it so we don't have to move much to provide for our immediate needs. Unfortunately, in so doing, we aren't providing for our bodies' need for movement. I urge everyone to do what they can to get some exercise every day.  Eat more vegetables. Eat less processed food. Cut out sodas. Eat organic as much as you can, especially the "dirty dozen" fruits and vegetables that have the most pesticide residues on them.

You don't know what is coming your way. It could be a physical trial, like cancer. Or it could be spiritual one. Be a good steward of your body and be in God's Word. No matter what, it will equip you for whatever is coming. God willing, nothing "bad" will happen. In that case, you will still feel better and be stronger and healthier than you were before.

GOD WILL NOT PUT A TRIAL IN YOUR PATH THAT HE WILL NOT EQUIP YOU FOR AND EMPOWER YOU TO SEE THROUGH
God knew this was coming and He got me ready beforehand. He "flipped the switch" in my heart to want to lose weight and get into shape. We made changes in our insurance coverage just a month before my diagnosis that were more advantageous to us financially to pay for my treatment. Even Eric took it upon himself in the year before my diagnosis to learn about cancer.

I made it through my treatment fairly well. Yes, there were hard times. I don't want to make light of it and make it sound like it was a breeze. It wasn't. It hurt. It was hard. But I made it through.

Here's the thing. It had nothing to do with me. It had EVERYTHING to do with the Lord. HE is the one that showered me with blessing and grace. It was all HIM. The Bible says, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I'm in awe of how God has worked in my life in the past 18 months. I don't believe in luck or coincidence.

In the end, there are higher purposes at work in everything. God promises that He will work out ALL things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. (Romans 8:28)  In my cancer, there are purposes in all of this that He wants. Those that are for my own good. To make me better, more like Him. I don't understand what these are, nor should I. His ways are higher than mine.  All I can do is trust in Him. I've experienced His love and grace throughout this time to know that He is for real. How can I not trust the rest of what He has promised? He has not failed me yet, nor will He.

My all and all

I love worship time at our church, Calvary Chapel of Escondido.  I've always enjoyed singing, even as a kid. I wasn't ever a soloist type of singer, but I could keep my own in a chorus.  But there is something even more special about being part of a chorus of  raised voices to the Lord.

On Sundays, the service usually starts out with a couple of songs, then we pause for announcements and a few minutes to greet the people sitting near you.  Yesterday, during the "meet and greet" a friend asked me if I was all over the lymphedema. I explained that it never really goes away, you just learn to live with it, recognize swelling, and treat it yourself. She made a comment about it being like the "stones of remembrance"  and we both turned to greet others. But the comment kind of stuck in my head for a few minutes.  At first I didn't get it.  In the Old Testament, the prophet Samuel used stones as a physical way to remind the children of Israel about God's faithfulness and goodness.It says in First Samuel 7:12 says that when God enabled the Israelites to defeat the Philistines, the Prophet Samuel “took a stone and … named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far has the Lord helped us.’”  Okay, that's all well and good for the ancient Israelites. But what does that have to do with me?

I started thinking about the other physical "stones" of remembrance that I have as a result of the past 13 months. The physical is the most obvious. My short and increasingly unruly curly hair regrowth.  Or the two huge scars on my chest, a smaller vertical one near my right armpit.

After announcements, there is a longer stretch of worship.  It starts out as just singing.  I can let it stay that way, just me singing words that are projected onto a screen.  It is easy to let the mind wander to other things and just go through the motions.  Or set up mental walls that prevent the Holy Spirit from really ministering to you.  Sometimes, it turns into something much more. Something that I can't even really describe in words.  This past Sunday, any mental walls or walls that I had built up around my heart were completely obliterated by the Holy Spirit.  

We were singing a song that was new to me, called "My All and All"  by Frank Hernandez & Sherry Saunders Powell

These are the words:

My All In All

You are my strength, O God

You are my help, O God

You are the One on Whom I call

You are my shield, O God

My life I yield, O God

For You will ever be my All in All

Simple.  

But as I sang it, a tear or two started to roll.  Now, that is not unusual for me during worship.  But as I started reflecting on the various "stones of remembrance" that I have (both physical and experientially), I just lost it.  God has been SO good to me through this journey.  During my scariest moments, He was there with me. He did not leave me forsaken and alone. 

Just a few examples:

I have such a vivid memory (a "stone," if you will), of the double biopsy I had. I wasn't expecting to be biopsied that morning. I just thought I'd go in for an ultrasound and be told it was just a cyst and dense tissue. After all, I had a "clear" mammogram the month before. Except this time, the doctor couldn't figure out what she was seeing on my left breast.  By God's timing, she just happened to have time that morning to biopsy both the breast and the lump under my arm. As I waited outside while they prepped the room, my Aunt Meg posted a verse on Facebook from John 16:33: In this world you will have much trouble, but have no fear, I have overcome the world. Perfect timing.  God's timing.  As I lay with a huge needle probing my flesh, I did not feel pain.  Instead, I remembered God's promise from Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you you. Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope.  A future and a hope. I was not alone.

When I was waiting to see my oncologist for the first time, I was playing around with an app on my iPhone that "randomly" spits out a verse. I set the spinner on the topic of "fear" and pushed the button. The verse "You will not die" popped up.  I can't remember exactly where that came from in Scripture, but it was a message given to me that day. 

These are just a few examples.  

As we repeated this simple and beautiful song a couple of times, I just had to stop singing. I couldn't anymore because I was literally sobbing. I couldn't help it.  It was such an amazing moment of God's love coming down and piercing my heart.  Showing me how good He is, even by allowing me to go through breast cancer.  How much He loves me, and making me feel it.  Palpably. Even though I haven't been as faithful to my daily devotions during this time, He did not leave me. He was there the whole time, whether I sought Him out or not. Waiting for me, giving me strength, helping me get through this ordeal. I didn't care if anyone saw me.  It was as if God and I were alone in His throne room and He was wrapping his arms around me, soothing me.  Even when I didn't realize I needed it, He did. Abba. Words don't even really do the moment justice. 

Wouldn't you know it, I didn't have a tissue and neglected to grab one as I entered the sanctuary. 

I can't say that I am happy to be someone who has had cancer.  I still have moments of sheer terror and a sinking feeling in my gut that it might come back.  Or I'll feel a pain in my body somewhere...oh no...is "it" back having moved to the liver or bones?  I think most cancer survivors have those thoughts and I'm no exception. 

But I can be joyful in the situation because the Lord is my all and all.

The thief

I've been getting a lot of congratulatory wishes now that I am finished with my treatment. It is surreal to think that I am "done."  But I have this little nagging voice in my head saying...maybe you're not really done. Maybe the cancer isn't all gone. Maybe it is going to come back and will eventually kill you. Sure, you may have a few years left. But they will be filled with more chemo while you waste away and die a painful death.  You'll have to say goodbye to your friends, your family, your babies.

I had the same little voice when I was waiting for my biopsy results last June. Out loud we were saying, "its probably nothing." But this little voice in my head told me it was something. I have the same little voice in my head placing doubt and worry about my future.

It's robbing me of the relief and joy I should be having.

I still am happy. But it is sort of with a caveat.

I realize that this is an area Satan can come in and exploit. The bible says that he comes to steal, kill and destroy. But Jesus came to give LIFE, and that more abundantly.

 ¹⁰The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. (John 10:10, King James Version)

I also know that God is bigger than Satan and stronger than him.

 ⁴Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4, King James Version)

I trust God. Even in cancer, I trust God. Even if it isn't all gone, or comes back, I will trust God. I pray that I handle it all, good or bad, in a way that glorifies Him. I know that He will work it ALL out for my own good, and the good of everyone else. I don't know what God has planned out for me, but I am willing to go and do whatever it is that He has in store for me. Cancer free, or not.

In the meantime, I need to remember that these fears are firey darts of the enemy.  I need to appropriate these promises from God and rest in them. Satan is taking pleasure in robbing me of the joy that I should be experiencing in a fuller way. That's the talk. Now I have to walk it.  Please pray for me that I be able to do this.

Thanksgiving

I don't know how to sleep in.  With kids, we have evolved a schedule where we are usually up around 6 a.m., even on weekends. Since the time change a few weeks ago, I've been waking up some time around 5:30 a.m. I was so tired last night that I figured maybe I'd "sleep in" until 6:30 today.  Nope.  I was awake at my usual time.

As I lay there, I started to think about Thanksgiving and the things that I am thankful for.  I listed many of them in a post last week.

Of course, I am thankful to the things in my life that everyone else is: family; friends; the abundance of food; the creature comforts (a house, clothes, etc).  But there is more to it than that.  I am thankful for those things...but even more than those things, I am thankful for The One who has given them to me....God.  I am thankful FOR God, and I am thankful TO God.

Words are inadequate as I consider all of the aspects of God and how they directly impact me and the feelings that it gives me. I'm going to give it a try.

First of all, He created me. He knew me before I was born.  He had a plan for my life, even this cancer is part of that plan.  He holds me in the palm of His hand and guides me through this life.  When things get too scary, and they have at times during the past 5 months, I can turn to Him for comfort.  He is my shelter, my strong tower, my ever present help in times of trouble.  It is palpable.  I felt it on the biopsy table.  I felt it on the operating table.

He created the world and the things in it.  Every beautiful place and thing that brings me joy.  The beach, the mighty ocean. The majestic mountains with the smell of pine.  The stars in the sky, the sun and the moon.  The animals with all of their interdependent systems with other animals and the environment, God designed.  It is awesome when you think about it. He gave us music. Who doesn't enjoy music?

I am thankful for His Word.  The Bible is so much more than a book. It is kind of like an onion in that you can read it over and over and see new things in it each time as you dig a little deeper. It never gets old. It feeds my soul.  It answers all of my questions, even when the answer is "My ways are higher than your ways, My thoughts are higher than your thoughts."  It is a hand book for life.  Got questions about parenting? Marriage? Friendship? The nature of God? It's all in the bible.  I'm thankful that I can depend on the promises in the Word, especially in the midst of the cancer storm.  It brings me comfort to know that He promises to work out all things for the good.  Even me having cancer.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit.  He helps me to understand and relate to God in a deeper way.  This may sound strange if you are not born again or if you do not have a relationship with the Lord.  When you are saved you can ask the Lord for His Holy Spirit and He gives it to you.  Literally. The Spirit indwells in you.  For me, it has helped me to understand Scripture in a deeper way.  Those times when I have "felt" God, it has been the Spirit.  When I was lying there with a needle plunged deep into my armpit, it was the Holy Spirit that whispered to me, "I know the thoughts I have toward you.  Thoughts of good and not for evil.  Thoughts to give you a future and a hope."   The Holy Spirit also intercedes for me when I don't know what to pray-and there have been plenty of those times in the past 5 months as well.

I am thankful for Jesus. Without Him, I wouldn't be able to have this relationship with God.  Because I'm a sinner.  Even on my best day, its not good enough for a Holy God.  So He sent His son, Jesus, to take the punishment for my sin.  That was what the cruxifiction was all about. When He died and rose again, it gave all of us the opportunity to have a relationship with God if we choose to.  He is the bridge that brings the sinner (me) to God.  I can stand before God now and God sees me pure and holy.  Two things I am not, but I am because Jesus gives that to me. That is the ultimate thing to be thankful for!  He paid my eternal debt.

What amazes me is that all of these things that I have talked about here, all of these various aspects are all part of the same God.  He is so much bigger than we can even comprehend.  I think sometimes people who refuse to believe certain things, (like God creating the world in 6 days), put God in a "human box."  It just sounds so outrageous to them.  If we were talking about man, even the smartest Nobel prize winning scientist, it is.  But we are talking about God.  It's mind blowing. He is mind blowing.

As I enjoy this Thanksgiving holiday, I am counting my blessings.   I am thinking of all the good things that I am thankful for.  But I am also thinking of the One who has given them to me and thanking HIM for those things.  Every good and perfect gift comes from God.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you want to consider this further, I highly recommend checking out this link to a special sermon from my pastor on giving thanks.

Being joyful

How am I feeling today, round 4 day 2? I'm a little tired. I can feel the "chemo fog" moving in. I have one more day on the steroid, which is giving me energy that I need to be careful not to tap too much into.  It's a fine balance, because I don't want to stop moving altogether and falling into a pit of lethargy. For me, it is important to do something physical every day. Mentally, it reminds myself that I am strong. Physically, it releases endorphins and helps with fatigue that chemo brings on.  But there is a struggle not to give into feeling sorry for myself or gloomy, waiting for the ax to fall as it were.

My activity today was to take Jean-Marc and Lucie (our dog) on a 1 hour walk in the neighborhood. There are several hills, so it was easy to break a small sweat. While walking, I was listening to a sermon from a church up in Carpenteria, CA called Reality. The topic was on overview of Phillipians. I've always loved verses from that book, so I thought why not listen to the sermon?  Some of my life verses are:

• ⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7, New King James Version)
•  ¹³ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  
  (Philippians 4:13, New King James Version)

There are lots of other great and empowering verses in the book.  As an overview, the pastor mentioned that the book is about JOY.  Having joy in Christ. These verses from chapter 4 kind of skip over a fundamental truth that is revealed earlier in the book:  that joy and its power comes after you are in Christ.  The apostle Paul was writing this book from prison in Rome.  He wasn't living an easy life at the time-he was in bondage.  Yet he was filled with joy and expressed it in this letter to his friends. It is easy to blow off someone who sings about sunshine and lollipops when their lives are all rosy and fine. Perhaps we take a closer listen when that person is not in a place of comfort.  It gave me a lot to think about on my walk. 

About 30 minutes later, I was taking Isabelle to her horse riding lessons. We pass a small church on the way that has a little message on their marquee.  Today's message was, "Be joyful, even when it hurts." 

That is what I want to be. Joyful regardless of my relative circumstances. Even when it hurts. These circumstances I am in right now are temporary, whether they be good or bad. To many, my circumstances are grave. I suppose they are.  I'm in chemotherapy for stage III breast cancer.  But for the most part,  I am joyful throughout it.  When I am not, I realize it is because I am straying from God in the "busy-ness" of life. Everything is temporary: health; financial security (or insecurity); plans for the day/week/year; activities; the comfort offered by friends and family.  Don't get me wrong, I am joyful and thankful for so many things, I can only begin to enumerate here:

• The medical care I've been receiving at Kaiser has been excellent. My doctors and nurses are smart and caring and I trust them.  (Even though their administrative side is screwed up right now!)
• The concern and support from Eric. This cancer diagnosis has been hard on him too. I think it hit him harder back in June than it did me. It wasn't something that he could "fix." For me, I just had to put my head down and fight. This week he is especially stepping up since my mom is out of town. He's also going the extra mile because my birthday is next Tuesday. He has spent the last week having dents and scratches on my van repaired, plans on having it detailed (he can fix that). I am pretty sure I'll be the owner of an Amazon Kindle soon. But he's also stepping up to help with Jean-Marc so I can rest. 
• The support I've received from my family. My mom has yet to meet her second granddaughter, Kathryn Marie,  who was born last June because she needed to be here to help me get through surgery and chemo. I know that was hard on her and my sister, but they sacrificed that time for me. The prayers I know they are offering up on my behalf daily. It brings joy to my heart and gratitude that I can't even begin to express. 
• The support from my family in Christ. My church family, not only those in North County, but spread out around the world. I know I am on several prayer lists from friends and family in places far and wide.  It's not just prayer either. On Sundays, its comfort, laying on of hands, anointing with oil, encouragement and friendship. 
• The support from my friends. People have helped in so many ways: bringing meals; giving my kids rides to and from activities; asking about how I am doing; and expressing a willingness to do anything I need. 
• The opportunities this has opened for me to learn about breast cancer. To meet other survivors. To do things to raise awareness of this disease so the impact may be lessened in the future.  That was a door that God has opened for me in the past few months. 

From a relative world-point of view, I have been blessed-even in the midst of breast cancer.  I am immensely grateful for it all.  I know it all is a gift from God.  (All good things are, you know).

But there is something deeper when you talk about being "joyful." It isn't dependent on the immediate circumstances.  And that comes from knowing Christ.  He will never let me down. He has been with me every step of the way in this journey.  I remember having the biopsy back in early June. They had me topless lying on my side with a wedgie underneath my left upper back so they could get to the lymph nodes. The ultrasound tech was on my right, the radiologist on my left with a huge needle.  The doctor knew the one site was a lymph node, but had nothing but questions about the mass on my left breast.  I just closed my eyes and felt the presence of Jesus holding me in His Hand.  And he kept repeating to me "I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope."  Over and over. I was able to block out the big needle that was plunged into my side digging out chunks of my flesh to send to the lab.  I had a peace that passed understanding.

I have other examples that come to mind throughout the past several months.  In the midst of that pain, that is joy.  To have the comfort of God. The only one who really knows where I am at any time-not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.  The only one who can minister to me perfectly through His Word and presence because of that intimate knowledge of me.

The temporal things of this life may come and they may go.  People, even those closest to you, can let you down. You can't find that kind of joy in any human relationship.  But the joy from the relationship I have with Christ will last forever. To live truly is Christ and to die is gain. (Phillipians 1:21)  Yes, something will kill me. It is the same for you, too.  10 out of 10 people will die.  It may be breast cancer. Or it may be getting into an auto accident next week. Only God knows the number of our days.  That will be sad for those left here who care for me.  Thinking about that makes me want to cry.  Imagining my kids growing up without me tears my heart out. As for me, I will be face to face with Christ and still have my soul and spirit. I will know and be known to all of those in heaven.  For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.  (1 Corinthians 13:12, New King James Version)

I hope I don't come across as a Pollyanna.  Like Paul, I am in an uncomfortable place right now. But I can be joyful because of who Christ is and what He has done for me.  I urge everyone out there to be as well.  If you don't know Him, He is just waiting for you to open that door to your heart. He's been standing there knocking.

God bless you!

Shock and awe

I made quite a splash in my wig yesterday. Thank you to everyone for the sweet comments and compliments. It made me feel great. My best girlfriend Kelly and I would joke in high school about how cool it would be if everyone were bald and all you had to do in the morning was put on your wig. You know, there is something to be said for that now having lived it! My wig is what I always wished my hair would do, but it was fine and flat and would only look that way for about an hour after leaving the salon! Who knows what it will be when it grows back next Spring/Summer?

It will take some getting used to, though. After a couple hours it did get itchy and tight. I just wanted to get it OFF. I don't want to wear it every day, I like the scarf look too. I haven't even begun to really experiment with hats. It is kind of fun to be able to dramatically change your look every day. It keeps everyone on their toes. Who knows what Tonya will look like today?

So that was the shock.

Now for the awe.

Several people have said to me in the past couple days about how well I'm doing. Even that I've never looked better. When I think about it, I am surprised about it as well. I woke up a bit early this morning and as I lay in bed was pondering about this. What am I doing that is making it not so awful? Don't get me wrong-it is not easy. I'm not breezing through this. It definitely is a daily struggle and there are physical issues that I deal with all the time. But I'm not feeling like I got hit by a truck, and a part of me thinks that I should.

Then it hit me. Duh! The reason I am doing how I'm doing has nothing to do with me. It all has to do with the Lord. HE is the one that is showering me with blessing and grace. I'm not doing anything. It's all HIM. The Bible says, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) I am in awe of how God prepared me physically and spiritually for this trial. I am in awe of how I have seen Him work in the midst of it. I don't believe in luck or coincidence. I believe in divine providence, which reminds me of what I learned during my Esther bible study a year ago. (See--more preparation!) I firmly believe that God will not put a trial in your path that he will not equip and empower you to see through. There are purposes in all of this that He wants. Purposes that are for our own good. To make us better, more like Him. We may not understand what His purposes are, nor should we. His ways are higher than ours. I'm not boasting in me, but in the Lord. All I can do is look up and praise Him for all that He is doing in my life and in the lives of those around me, even in the midst of breast cancer.

I'm also in awe about how the Lord has placed me in the body of Christ. I know I am being lifted up in prayer, supported by the saints around me. They, in turn, are being His hands and feet in this trial to bring me through.

I'm a fan of the TV show, "So You Think You Can Dance." Last summer, there was a beautiful piece by coreographer Travis Wall called "Fix You." It was based on his own mother's battle with disease. I think it was some form of cancer, I'm not sure. Anyway, the male dancer in the piece is supposed to be him, and the female, his mother. If you have a few moments, here it is. It really is beautiful. Notice at the end, how she puts her feet on her son's, and he walks her through to the end of the piece, presumably (we hope) toward healing. I feel that way about this trial, although my feet are being guided by The Son, Jesus. I can lean on Him completely and let Him guide me and trust that He will heal me. I have an eternal guarantee! Check it out:

Simply put, I am once again in awe of the Lord and His ways. My life is in His hands, and I am at perfect peace with where He has led me thus far. I trust in Him and am filled.

Love and blessings to you all!

What day is this?

I'm losing track of days as the summer vacation wanes. I am so ready for the kids to go back to school. With this heat, and my sensitivity to the sun (thanks to chemo), it has been a pretty boring week for us. The kids are cooped up and by the end of the day, I'm about ready to flip out and have a Calgon moment. Gee-I wonder if I'm okay to soak in a tub now that I am 5 weeks post-op?

It was so hum-drum yesterday that I didn't even have anything to say for my blog.

Although I did kind of mess up my meds. My bad. I started my 7 day Cipro regimen on Tuesday with a pill at noon. That was EXACTLY 96 hours post chemo. On Wednesday I happened to check the pill bottle and it said to take one pill two times a day. Oops. I only took one pill on my first day. So I figure I'll just extend it by a 1/2 day on the back side. They only filled the prescription for 1 week at a time. So I'll have to get it refilled for the next round. If I time it right, I can do my lab work, my oncologist visit, and pick up the refill all in one fell swoop the day before round two.

Speaking of round two. I find myself in another waiting game. I'm 6 days out of round one and feeling pretty good. I wish I could just go in and get it going. I still have 2 weeks to wait. That seems to be the theme of this treatment so far. Wait for biopsy results. Wait for PET scan results. Wait for doctors appointments. Wait for surgery (that was a killer). Wait for chemo. Wait more for chemo. Wait, wait, wait. Maybe God is trying to teach me something. Ya think?

I suppose I will appreciate this breather in between rounds later on.

I was a little concerned yesterday that I may have overdone it lifting Jean-Marc on Tuesday. We were running some errands and I just did not have the patience in the heat to let him get in and out of his car seat on his own. He's two years old. So he kind of lollygags around as he gets in, distracted by every little crumb on his seat. I'll confess, there are a lot of crumbs there! A few times, I just lifted him in and out, up and down to move the process along. In our family, we call it the "Graham Ram." Anyway, Tuesday night as I was getting ready for bed, I had some shooting pain in my incision areas, especially on the left underarm side. Through the night, it just felt tender and hurt. I'm still swollen under the arms, so I don't know if the swelling had gotten worse. But the pain came and went all day yesterday. I was careful not to lift the little man at all. Mom came over and was a second pair of eyes for me. It is so easy to forget and lift him sometimes. Its just second nature. So far today, it seems to be better. It's a tricky time right now. I'm physically feeling better, and it is so easy to over do it. It helps to have mom be a police officer over me.

I found another cancer survivor's blog that I've been reading. Jennifer Griffin is a correspondent with Fox News who returned to work yesterday after taking several months off to fight triple negative breast cancer. She was diagnosed shortly after her son was born in 2009. Her original tumor was 9 centimeters! She had 17 rounds of chemo, a bilateral mastectomy, and radiation. Her blog is pretty interesting. She had the guts to put a video of her hairdresser shaving her head on it. I don't think I could do that. I'll be lucky to post a bald picture.

Eric comes home tonight from his business trip. It will be nice to have him home. He used to travel a lot more with other jobs. I'm fortunate that there isn't that much travel right now. I've been able to deal with stuff on my own before. Even a couple weeks post-cesarean I was able to deal with better. This time, it has taken a lot of concentration to get stuff done. Maybe its my older age. The old nerves are a bit more raw!

My prayer requests today:

• That we don't go stir crazy today. The kids have a piano lesson, which will add some spice to the day. We also are going to meet a potential school car pool neighbor.
• That I continue to heal from surgery. That I didn't hurt myself the other day lifting the baby.
• Travel mercies for Eric as he flies home from Boston and then drives back to San Marcos from the airport.
• That I be content in waiting for the next round of chemo, confident that God is working in my body and my spirit towards His purposes.

Waiting...

I am about 30 hours post-chemo round now. I still feel pretty good. This may be because I am still taking the steroid, which gives me energy, as well as helping any allergic reactions to the chemo drugs. My last dose of that for this round is tonight. The nurse said it would be likely for my energy to go down afterwards. I've also kept on the anti-nausea drugs, which have been working. I'm not sure I need them, but I'd rather not be queasy. So I'm following her advice for the next day or so.

Sleep came last night, despite the fact I had to get up at least 3 times for the bathroom. The Ativan did its job, I guess. I'm planning on taking it again tonight since I'll still be on the steroid. After that, I may try a night without it.

I was told going into this that I would need to drink a lot of water. I've always been a water drinker, but I'm amazed at how much I can drink! I have a thirst that just is not quenched. I've had at least 80 ounces today, and could easily down 20 more right now. I'm also being pro-active about moisturizing my skin. Not only my surgical areas, but my hands and feet at night. I wear 24/7 contact lenses, but I'm taking them out at night so my eyes don't dry out too much. Sun is also now something I need to be more wary of, so I'm making sure to wear sunscreen and I have a couple long sleeved shirts I can wear as a light protective layer.

I went to the baby shower today and felt good enough to drive myself over to Escondido. It was really nice to be around such nice ladies, especially friends from church. It is so wonderful to be able to fellowship and share with each other how God has worked in our lives in the past. It gives such encouragement for trials in the present to remember how faithful He is, how He does not change, and how He loves us so.

I got home around 4 p.m. and was tired. It don't know if it was chemo related, but I laid down and took a light nap. It felt so good! Eric took the boys to the park and for some ice cream so I could have some quiet. Isabelle is spending the weekend at a friend's house.

That is pretty much my update for today. I really, really want to get to church tomorrow morning. Even if I'm tired, church is one of those things I just hate to miss. I love the worship, the teaching, and the fellowship.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. For caring about what is going on with my family and I. We are blessed.

Also, if you aren't yet an official "follower" of my blog, would you mind becoming one? All you have to do is click the "follow" button on the right hand side. You won't get any spam or e-mail about it, I promise. It will just help my blog raise in the Google rankings a bit s more people can find it. I appreciate your help!

May God bless you this weekend!

The battle

I was hoping to get a full night of sleep last night, but alas, it was not to be. I woke up at 11:30 a.m. to go to the bathroom and was awake until 2:30 when I made another trip. It was probably around 3 a.m. when I got back to sleep and was awake by 6 a.m.

I had a lot of time to think in the wee hours, and God definitely spoke to me during that time.

I realized how much my body, my flesh, is trying to work against me. First of all, by the cancer itself. But as I fight it, the flesh resists. I have sleep issues. Yesterday at the gym, my heart rate was above normal. My flesh is anxious.

But my mind, my spirit, is not. I truly am calm and have peace about this whole journey. It isn't easy. But I'm not freaking out. Sometimes the flesh gets the upper hand, I'll admit. But for the most part, I'm okay. In fact, sometimes the reactions I get from others are much more severe than my own.

A recent example. I've been a girl scout co-leader for Isabelle's girl scout troop since they were Daisies in kindergarden. This year is their first year of Juniors. We have a few new girls joining our troop. On Wednesday, we met to fill out some paperwork for an upcoming camp out. The leader mentioned that she would be trying to work the schedule out around my schedule, which brought a few looks. One mom there didn't know, so it came out. No big deal. I'm not secretive about it. Everyone was supportive, but at the same time the one mom who just learned was freaked out. I guess she is scared of cancer in general. But she marveled at how upbeat I was. I am kicking myself now for not saying something like, "It is by God's grace that I am even here right now. He is getting me through this." I mean, that is what I want to reflect on this whole journey. God's goodness, His faithfulness, His sustaining hand. I want to bring HIM glory. Instead, I said, "Well, its something I've got to do either way. I might as well do it with a smile on my face."

I've also had others look at me with sadness and pity. Like I have a foot in the grave. Even some people at church. I certainly don't share those emotions.

Some might refer to this as the "mind-body" connection. In a way it, is. But it goes much deeper than that. But my flesh wants to drag me down and freak me out. This is most definitely as much of a spiritual battle as it is a fleshly one.

This is how I see it in my life. The spirit and flesh are at war. It is a microcosm of the war between God and Satan, good and evil. I am a born again Christian, so I am blessed to have the indwelling of Christ in me. (To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Colossians 1:27) Satan sees that and attacks it. He uses my own flesh sometimes to do it. Right now, it is sleeplessness. It was the same right before my surgery as well.

But God is so good to me. Because despite the fact I am getting less sleep, I am not tired during the day. I'm able to function. He is lifting me up on wings like eagles. I am running (figuratively) and not growing weary, walking and not growing faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

God is stronger than the enemy. I know that He who is within me (Christ) is stronger than he who is attacking me. (I can't find the scripture reference quickly, but I know it is biblical.) Ultimately, I will win because Christ is my defender. But the enemy does not give up quickly. He is persistent.

I'm off to my first round of chemotherapy this morning. I pray that I am able to continue to resist the enemy (so he will flee). I pray that God refills my Holy Spirit tank each day as I feel the effects of this new phase of treatment. In any event, no matter how severe it may get, I know that I am not on my own. That God is with me, within me and will uphold me with His mighty hand. If I look like I am handling this well, it is not out of my own strength, but His. All glory to God!

More thoughts on preparation

Eric got up in the night to take something for a headache. He deals with stress by getting physically ill. The lights he turned on while up made me come out of a deep sleep, although I didn't completely wake up. But it was enough to turn the brain on. Maybe that was a good thing, because I faintly remember a dream I had during the night where I found more lumps in my left axilla (armpit). In the dream, I was upset because I thought they had taken out all of the lymph nodes, and yet I was finding more lumps. Not fair!

Anyway, as I lay there in my semi-conscious state, I was thinking more about how God set the stage for this phase of my life. As many have reminded me, God knew this trial was coming in my life long before I did. It was no surprise to Him. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16)

He prepared us financially. Eric had about 2-3 years of serial unemployment. The right job just never came around. He'd work for a company for a few months, then they would restructure and cut the entire U.S. team. Or reorganize and eliminate his position. There was never the feeling of job security or financial stability. That changed in October 2008 when he began working for a French medicinal chemistry company, Prestwick Chemical. Despite these tough economic times, the company is doing well, and business is up. It helps us pay for my medical bills without worry. He likes the people he works with and for, and they like him. They even send a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to me a week ago. Nice!

He prepared us with our house and the things in it. We had been looking for a larger house off and on for many years. After Jean-Marc was born, we were pretty tight in our first house, so the search intensified. We moved into this house around Thanksgiving of 2009. Eric and I also finally got rid of the hammock-like mattress that we had been sleeping on for 11 years. We bought a Cal-King bed. It looked huge to us at first, and took some time to get used to the feel of it. I found out about my cancer right around the time I realized I was used to the feel of the new mattress. We are in a home were we all have space to escape to our own rooms, our own secret places, when we need to. I can rest in a comfortable bed when I'm tired. I imagine as I get into chemo I will appreciate that more and more.

I've already mentioned how He prepared me physically. By placing in my heart for the first time in my adult life the desire to get physically fit and lose weight. I don't need to dwell on that anymore. But I see as I work on rehabilitating myself from surgery, how being fit before the surgery not only helps me get over the surgery. But it also has helped me know the limits of my body and what it can do. My oncologist also said that the desire to exercise will help me during chemo as well.

He prepared me spiritually. I spent years just coming to church on Sunday, listening to the sermon, and going home until the next week. But a few years I really "plugged in." One Sunday when they were mentioning the need for help in the Children's Ministry, I felt the tug on my heart and stepped up. I spent 2 years teaching 1st and 2nd graders on Sunday mornings. During that time, I grew spiritually. Part of the curriculum I was teaching focused on Hebrew

feasts and traditions. Through that and my own study, I began to see how the Old Testament and those traditions and celebrations foretold the coming of Jesus in the New Testament. It really is true that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you. (James 4:8) When I got pregnant with Jean-Marc, I had to take a break from the Children's Ministry. (Well, other than my own kids.) When the baby was about 6 months old, I began going to the women's daytime bible study. I met so many wonderful ladies, and our study in Isaiah was amazing. God revealed Himself during my private study time, but also through the fellowship and counsel of the women in the study. Last year, I had the opportunity to lead the women's bible study as we went through Kay Smith's book, "Pleasing God." Again, God taught me much about how He wants me to live and interact with others...even my enemies.

He has prepared me with family and friends. Not only do I have a wonderfully supportive biological family, but I have learned through this that I also have a family in Christ. I knew that on an intellectual level, of course. After all, I had gotten to know so many wonderful people through the Children's and Women's ministries. But when you see people coming to your aid through prayer, through fellowship, through meals, it is a light bulb moment. Duh! This is what the body of Christ is all about.

The meals have truly been a blessing to our family. We've had friends not only from church, but scouts and the kids' school bring dinners. My mother in law has been amazed at it all-it is quite a testimony to her. The meals serve the practical purpose of helping me get food on the table to the family. But they also bless me in a way that is hard to describe. We feel supported and cared for in a way that helps us support and care for each other better. Does that make sense? I want to thank everyone who has been a part of the meals. It is wonderful. If anyone wants to help with meals, we will gratefully accept it. You can check out it out at MealBaby and sign up for a day. We even had a friend across the country send us a gift card for a restaurant through that site. Nice!

I know there are other examples of how God has prepared my family and I for this. I need to start writing them down when they come to mind in the random moments of the day. There are so many ways, big and small. It makes me marvel at how God works. As I've said before, this is all to serve a higher purpose (or multiple purposes) of His. I don't know what they are, maybe I never will. But I do recognize and believe with all my heart that He will work all of this out for the good of us all. (Romans 8:28)

My prayer requests for today:

• As always, healing. I'm down to 3 painkillers a day. Sometimes 4. It depends on how much it hurts. I am on an upward healing path, and that is good. I need it to continue.
• That Isabelle's birthday celebration be blessed. She is such a sweet girl, and loves to decorate and celebrate everyone else's birthdays. I want hers to be special too. Before cancer, we were thinking about her having a slumber party this year. There's no way I'm up to that, so she's a little disappointed. Hopefully we can have a fun family day today for her.
• That Eric be able to manage his stress without getting sick or stressing everyone else out. That he be able to draw near to God in this time. I know that this is something that God wants us ALL to do-draw near to Him. It's harder for some people to do that.
• That we enjoy the last day of my mother in law's visit. I know Jean-Marc especially will miss her when she's gone tomorrow. I hope we can enjoy today without long faces.

A series of "lasts" ... for now

I've read in books where cancer survivors have described their lives in two parts: BC (before cancer) and AC (after cancer). The diagnosis has been hard, for sure. But physically my life has not changed yet. Of course, that will all come to a screeching halt in two days when I go in for surgery.

Over the past few days, I can't help but think of things and activities as I do them as being the "last" time I'll do them normally. With my whole body. Last Friday, we went to the beach. I couldn't help but think that it would be the last time (before surgery) that I would go to the beach. Not that I was ever much of a beach junkie. It is like everything is taking on extra meaning as I do it as I always have done....for the last time. Last Sunday was the last time in church before the big day. Next time I go (which I am hoping I only miss a week), I won't be able to give and receive hugs like I did last Sunday. And boy did I get some really heartwarming hugs!

Today I'll be doing my last Jillian level 3 circuit. I have promised myself that I am going to get back to the place physically when I can do it again. But it is going to be awhile. The physical hit that I'm about to take is on my mind a lot. I've worked really hard over the past year to get to this point. Those level 3 workouts are no joke! It takes me about 70-90 minutes to do them. They involve strength training with hand weights, as well as insane plyometric moves. It is crazy! When my youngest brother, Jared, was here before his current deployment to Iraq, he came over and did them with me for a week. They were a challenge to him, and he maxes out the Army physical fitness test! It has been a source of pride for me that I've been able to get to this point. It's about to go out the window. (But perhaps, that is one of the things I am here to learn. I know God prefers humility over pride. Hmmm...)

I found a book at the library yesterday about exercise and breast cancer. The exercises looked so wimpy to me. They said to be sure to get your doctor's approval before starting anything--even simple arm stretches. The book said it could be about 6 weeks before you start exercising. 6 weeks!!?? I work out 6 days a week, doing dozens of pushups! This is going to be very tough, indeed.

Some "lasts" I was okay with. Like the last time I mopped the floor. :-) Others will be a bummer. Like the last time (for awhile), that I can get Jean-Marc out of bed in the morning. I love that time. He is so excited to see me. He's fresh, happy, and so darn cute. He lets me squeeze his pudgy little toddler body and give him dozens of kisses as I carry him downstairs for breakfast. I'm going to miss that. It will be one thing that keeps me going--the anticipation of that time again. But will it feel different in my altered body? I'll let you know when I find out.

I am looking forward to the surgery, though. At least then I'll know that the tumors are gone. I will have made a devastating first strike at my enemy. But it will be at some price to me as well. It will be the sacrifice of my life "BC." So I guess I am in a bit of mourning for that life. However, I know that God has plans for me. "For I know the thoughts I think toward you. Thoughts of peace and not of evil, but to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. He will turn these ashes into beauty. I just have to remember His promises and look toward the future that He has in store for me, and not look back with sadness. The joy of the Lord will be my strength.

Thank you for your prayers and support. I'm headed down to Spring Valley today to spend the day with my sister and law, niece and nephews. I look forward to holding my newest nephew, Caleb James, for the first time. God is good, all the time.

My prayer requests are the same as before: that the cancer would stop dead in its tracks; that my family and I would not be fearful; and that I would recover quickly without complication. Blessings to you all.

11 days to go...

11 days until my surgery. Not that I'm counting or anything. Yeah, right.

Yesterday was Jean-Marc's 2nd birthday. We had a nice little family get together at our house with my parents. I posted my birthstory and birth slide show on my Facebook page. As I re-watched the video, I couldn't help but notice and think about...you guessed it. My breasts. According to one of the books I have on breast cancer, it takes years for tumors to grow to the point where you can feel it. So I had to have had it while pregnant with Jean-Marc. In fact, it is a good possibility that the hormonal surges associated with the pregnancy and birth may have made it grow. Who knows? It doesn't really matter at this point.

Tomorrow is a big day. I have an appointment with Judy, the nurse coordinator at 9:30 a.m. She is going to talk to me about post-surgical stuff. I'm going to be getting one or two post-surgical camisoles to wear while recovering from surgery. She'll probably also introduce me to the prosthesis as well. At 11:15, I have a pre-op appointment with my surgeon. Then at 6:30 p.m. I have a consultation with a plastic surgeon to see what my options will be in the future for reconstruction, if I choose it. In between, I have to return my original mammogram films to Kaiser and get my blood drawn for the BRCA genetic testing. Eric and I are going to make a day of it. My mom is going to keep the kids all day and overnight. Hopefully we'll find something pleasant to do in the hours in between the appointments. It will be a full day, and keeping busy will kill another day. Soon I'll be down to single digit days.

I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for the immediate post-op. I've been looking at pictures of other women who have been through double mastectomies. At first glance, it is like a punch in the stomach. Especially when I try to envision those scars on me. Two scars on top for my breasts and one below from my cesarean. Battle scars all three, without a doubt. I overcame the cesarean scar. I will overcome these new ones as well. On a bright note, seeing pictures of the same women later in time is encouraging. The scars on the outside fade. It's amazing what plastic surgeons can do to re-create the areola.

It's too bad, but sometimes it takes an intense event to "feel" God. Even though He is always there, when times are good I tend to take Him for granted. Sometimes days would go by when I didn't pick up my bible or pray. I definitely felt His presence during Jean-Marc's birth. During the few weeks since my diagnosis, I've again tangibly felt His presence with me. I'm so grateful that I know Him and can see the times when a comforting word spoken by someone, or a verse recalled isn't coincidence but GOD reaching out to me to get me through this. I want to thank all of you who have been praying for me and supporting me. God is working through you and it is amazing to see the body of Christ coming together in such a beautiful way. It's humbling.

My prayer requests today are:

• That the cancer does not spread further before surgery.
• That I not go crazy waiting for the next 11 days.
• That I can sleep through the night. I actually made it to 6 a.m. yesterday. Today, I was back to 4:30 a.m., but was able to kind of doze until 6. I wouldn't call it sleep though.
• That I be able to be less selfish in this journey. I think I've neglected Eric. He's going through his own set of stuff related to this. I need to be a better wife. Sometimes his crankiness though gets me even more upset. Hey....I'm the one with cancer here! But that is my fleshly, selfish reaction.
• That Olivier has a fun time at boy scout camp. He's leaving this morning until the 17th. I hope he can just let loose and have a great time, not worry about me or be too homesick. A little is okay, though. :-)

Blue Friday into a sunny Saturday

I'll admit it. I was bummed out all day yesterday. My morning freak-out over that educational pamphlet sent me on a downward spiral for the rest of the day. The waiting for surgery is so excruciating. I called Kasier's surgery scheduling to see if there were any cancellations that might move up my date. There wasn't. Although, she did say that my surgeon had flagged my case as a very high priority and if there was an opening, I would be one of the first people called.

I went through the motions. I did my workout in the morning. Made 3 meals for the family. Cleaned up after 3 meals for the family. I even tried to do something that would lift my mood by getting a pedicure. I went all out on it too-every option the guy suggested I went for. But I just couldn't shake that cloud.

Afterwards, I went shopping for some button up the front shirts. I'm going to be too sore to get pullovers on and off for awhile. I found nothing at Nordstrom rack. All the cute tops were PULLOVERS! I was tempted to buy for the future. But who knows what I'm going to be shaped like? I made my way over to Ross and found 3 shirts and a pair of pajamas that button up the front. They are okay. As I'm checking out, the girl says to me, "Oh, I see you are drawn to a particular style." Sheesh. If you only knew, girlie. I just let it go. I thought of my possible responses. The mild side would be, "Yeah, I'm going to be having some surgery soon." Or I could just put it out there, "I'm going to have my breasts removed because I have cancer. It's going to be hard to get on tops like I'm wearing now." I think I just said, "Yeah, I didn't have any in that style before."

It was just like that all day. Perhaps it was a form of self pity. I don't know. I just wallowed in this yuckiness all day.

This morning, I woke up early (as usual). I prayed to God that He would help me. Of course, I asked Him to keep the cancer at bay. But I needed encouragement that only my Heavenly Father could give. He led me to this:

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you.

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Behold, all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced.

They shall be as nothing.

And those who strive with you shall perish. [cancer cells]

You shall seek them and not find them. [cancer cells]

They shall be as nothing, As a non-existent thing.

For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.' "

Isaiah 41:10-13

How awesome is that? I just love how God's Word cut right to the fears of my heart. Even putting a label on my mood from yesterday-dismayed. Thats exactly what I was feeling. Then he told me not to feel that way, because He will strengthen me and help me. Then he promises that there will be ultimate victory. The cancer cells will be as nothing...as a non-existent thing. Thank you Jesus!

God's Word is true and everlasting. My feelings, my fears, my thoughts are deceptive and changing. I am led astray by stupid things like that educational booklet, or someone's offhand comment. I can allow fear to overtake me and make me forget God's promises. But if I give Him the chance-by staying in my devotions, by reading His Word, He will bring me back. Next time I'm feeling blue, I need to just stop everything and pick up my bible and spend some time with the God of all comfort.

I know that today will be a better day for me. Starting it off with such encouragement from the Lord is so wonderful. I'm going to go do Zumba this morning--one of the last times I'll be able to do it for awhile. This afternoon, I'm going to work on a couple of dishes that I'm bringing to a 4th of July party at my mom's house. All the while, I will be counting my blessings. For they are many.

It's all in the genes...or is it?

Because I am "young" to be diagnosed with breast cancer, my surgeon referred me to genetic counseling to determine if I should be tested for the 2 known breast cancer genes, BRCA1 and BRCA2.

It was an interesting intersection of my interest in family history and my disease. Before the meeting with the counselor, they sent me a family history form to work on. They wanted to know my immediate family, my parent's family of origin, and any other relatives I know of who had cancer of any type. Another important fact was the age at which they were diagnosed. Mom and I did our best to spread the word out to the extended family. The only known cases of breast cancer is one of my dad's sisters and one of my grandfather's sisters (my dad's paternal aunt). There were other forms of cancer here and there, but not very much.

We had the meeting with the counselor on Wednesday, June 30th. It was a bit hard to find the place-they stuck the genetic counseling department outside the hospital in a dinky building attached to a strip mall in the shadow of Zion hospital. We were a bit pressed for time because we dropped the kids off in Escondido at my mom's house while we went. I cut the timing kind of close, although we were a few minutes early. Both Eric and I are early-birds. We'd rather be early than late. Just the thought of being late stresses us out.

We finally found the building and checked in. We had to wait for about 10 minutes. I was kind of tired for not having slept much the night before. That, on top of finding out that my surgery was still 3 weeks away kind of had me drained. So I let Eric play with my iPhone. He started looking up chemo drugs on the internet on it. The counselor came out and took us into her small office. She asked the question everyone asks, "How are you today?" I said what I always thing, but rarely say: "Well, other than the cancer, I feel great!" She was really nice about the whole thing. When I told her that I had to wait for 3 weeks for surgery, she was surprised. She also encouraged us to keep calling for an earlier date.

Right from the beginning, she said that because of my age, she would recommend the genetic testing if I wanted it. I knew going in that I did. Not so much for my own decision making-I already know I wanted both breasts removed. But more so for my female relatives. I learned during the course of the meeting that it also could impact my treatment. Read on.

First, we went through my family history. She made a chart as we went through the family. For each person she wanted to know if they had any medical issues. One interesting aside...I have a niece with Turner's Syndrome. She said that babies in utero with Turner's have a 90% mortality rate. But once they are born, their symptoms aren't as severe as many other genetic abnormalities. It's kind of like nature knows that there is an issue with the baby's reproduction and does all it can to naturally deal with it by having the baby die in utero. So my niece is a true warrior who beat the odds!

Only about 10% of breast cancer is genetically inherited. The rest is a result of exposure to the environment, and genes just replicating in an incorrect way over time. That usually takes about 60 years to develop into cancer, though. So my age alone was a red flag for the medicos.

One thing I learned is that these 2 genes also predispose you to ovarian cancer. So if I were to test positive, there would be a whole host of issues to think about. Many women have their ovaries taken out. The genes are not linked to uterine cancer. However, since my cancer is hormone receptive, it is recommended that I take Tamoxifen after all of my treatment for 5-10 years to prevent any re-ocurrence. That drug is linked to uterine cancer. In that case, a hysterectomy may be recommended. They can do both removal operations laproscopically now and pull the organs out through the vagina. Wild. At least it wouldn't be like have another cesarean, being sliced open again. Ugh.

For those who know me--especially who know me from my birth activism days with the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN), having prophylactic surgery is a disconnect. I've avoided medical intervention most of my life, to the point of having 2 babies at home! It is hard for me to swallow too. I've already elected to remove what they believe now is a "healthy" breast. (That opinion may change after they examine it. I know other women whose "healthy" breast turned out to have cancer in it). But a wise woman who is on a similar path as me recently said something to the effect of, "birth is normal. Cancer is not." So I am learning to lean more on the medical professionals and their opinions. Breast cancer survival rates are around 90% I'm going to go with what has been proven to work, even though it will be hard.

Would I have a hysterectomy if I tested positive for BRCA1 and/or BRCA2? Perhaps. I learned last week that chemotherapy will most likely throw me into menopause. I'm so thankful that I'm not younger, that I have 3 wonderful kids. Younger women who still have childbearing ahead of them have to make these decisions in the face of that. But cancer is scary. You just want it out. You want to remove all chances of it coming back, anywhere. To the point of removing healthy organs that you no longer need? Perhaps.

Being found positive for one of the genes could affect my chemo treatment as well. They would probably be more aggressive with it. Along with the results of the pathology report after surgery, they need to tailor the chemo to my particular cancer. Knowing if I have one of the genes is another piece of the puzzle to factor into the chemo cocktail.

Anyway, I'm all set to do the genetic testing. I could have had my blood drawn yesterday, but we just didn't have time. We had to get back to North County so we could get Olivier to his karate class. He was testing for a higher belt for the first time. I want to keep the kids' activities as normal as possible this summer. He had been waiting for this test day for months, and I wasn't going to have him miss it if I could help it. I can drop in at the lab at Zion anytime I'm down there, and I know I'll be there at least once or twice in the next few weeks.

Thank you for your prayers and support. I pray that you all are able to see God working in all of this. He is teaching me things daily about relying on Him and not myself. I pray that my will would be conformed to His, even if it means waiting 3 weeks for surgery. I've got to trust Him. The other option is to freak out. I like the first option better.

The PET Scan

Today was a day of tests. First thing in the morning, I had a urine test to rule out pregnancy officially and a blood draw for a variety of screening and blood count tests. No big deal. There was a bright spot to the day was when the lab tech was checking out my veins in my arm she said "You must work out." When I said, "Yeah" she replied "Alright! You go girl!" Hee hee. That felt nice.

But the interesting part was the PET scan. I had to fast for this one, and my last meal (which was dinner the night before) had to be low carb with no sweets. Another bummer was that I wasn't allowed to work out the day before. (It technically was a day off from my program anyway, but I was hoping to make up for missing Tuesday!)

PET stands for "Positron Emission Tomography." Last year when Jean-Marc had his hernia surgery I passed by the "nuclear medicine" office at Kaiser Zion Hospital. Each time I would wonder just what in the world that was. Now I know. They basically shoot some mildly radioactive material into your body and then stick you into this machine. A PET scan measures important body functions, such as blood flow, oxygen use, and sugar (glucose) metabolism, to help doctors evaluate how well organs and tissues are functioning. Cancer cells apparently will gobble more of it up and show up on the scan. Lovely.

Mom drove me down to keep me company. Eric had to take a few hours off of work to play with Jean-Marc and feed him his lunch before his nap. I'm thankful to both for arranging this so I didn't have to go down there alone. I wasn't afraid of the procedure, really. But I am scared to find out the results. What if I am riddled with cancer inside and the scan lights up like a rainbow?

But back to the experience. A nice Filipino man called us from the waiting room and took us down a maze of hospital corridors. As we are walking, he asks if I had any kids. I thought he was making small talk, so I told him. When I told him their ages, he said, "Well, they are too young." What does that mean? He told me that I was going to be radioactive until the next morning and that young kids whose systems aren't fully developed are at risk of exposure to the radiation. So I couldn't be within 6 feet of them. No goodnight hugs or kisses. Hmm. That wasn't going to be easy with Jean-Marc. But I would think about that later. We all joked about how I was going to glow, something that I had jokingly put on my facebook status a few hours earlier.

He told mom she had to wait in a waiting area and led me outside into a trailer in the parking lot. Inside, I was led into a small room and ushered into a fairly comfortable chair. The tech guy was nice enough. Making small talk, he asked me if I had any plans for the summer. Yeah. I said, "uh...chemo." He seemed sorry to have asked. I wasn't upset about the question or anything. I'm trying to find the humor in situations and honestly, this struck me as funny. He tested my glucose level with a finger prick, then put a needle in my arm. It was a very strange experience to sit there watching him inject me with something that I knew was radioactive. Just bizzare.

I had to sit there for about 30 minutes for the stuff to get into my systems. He gave me some old tabloid magazines and I did thumb through one for a few minutes. I put it down when I came across a story about a reality show contestant from Survivor who had recently died at the age of 37 after a 5 year battle with....breast cancer.

Then I remembered my pocket New Testament. I carry it with me in my purse just because I like to have God's word near me all the time. The print is a bit small, but that's okay. When I was waiting for the biopsy a week or two ago (was it just that short of a time?) I had pulled it out and just started reading from the beginning at Matthew. I just continued on from there.

God does have a sense of humor. The first verse I read was this: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:14-16) Considering the "glowing" jokes, I thought that yes, indeed...I would be shining before men-literally!

But all joking aside, I do want to handle this experience in such a way that it causes others to praise our Father in heaven. I pray that God will grant me the grace to do that.

It was such a comfort to be reading Scripture while waiting for the test. Some other verses that ministered to me:

• "Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6:8) What a comfort that is to me right now. There are times when I just am speechless before God. There are so many desires and requests I have that I just don't know where to begin. God knows what I need and the Spirit is there to help me pray. Thank you Jesus!
• "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:25-27, 34)

These two verses taken together told me that God did not want me to worry. He knows what I need, even when I don't. He is going to take care of me under any and all circumstances. Radioactive or not. Stage 2 cancer or 3 cancer. I am of utmost value to Him. He is going to see me through because He is Faithful.

The door opened and the lab tech told me to go use the restroom before I was put into the machine. I texted Eric to give him a head's up about the fact I wasn't going to be able to be mommy for the rest of the day and headed back into the trailer.

They had me take off any metal objects and lay on the table. I was velcroed in so I couldn't move. They put a wedgie thing under my knees and covered me with a blanket. It actually was kind of cozy. The machine fed me in and out. It was pretty quiet. It would stay in one spot for awhile, then move a bit. I took the opportunity to again feel the presence of God with me. Jeremiah 29:11 kept going through my mind: "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope." A future and a hope. God knows how this is all going to play out. He knows the number of my days. I am safe in His arms. I just have to calm down and trust Him.

Before I knew it, it was over. As I was getting my shoes back on, I snapped the photo of the machine with my iPhone.

So now we wait for the results. As I mentioned before, I do have some fear of them. Given all that I know about the Lord, I shouldn't be afraid. God does not want me to worry (didn't I just read that?!) He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) I have to constantly remind myself of this because it is so easy to have panic well up inside. Even as I type this, I can feel my heart race from time to time and adrenaline kick in.

Here are some specific prayer requests:

1. The results of this scan. That they would come quickly and show that there is no cancer anywhere other than the 2 places they already know of. Heck, wouldn't it be amazing if the scan came back and I was cancer free? We can pray for that too. God is a God of miracles!

2. That I would not be afraid or fearful. Waiting for results is really hard. I know once we know exactly what I'm dealing with we can attack it intelligently. Just waiting for potentially bad news is extremely taxing.

3. That Eric would not be fearful. He has a tendency to see things from a pessimistic angle. He is worried about how he is going to balance his job and having to step up more to take on some of my home and family responsibilities.

4. That we can decide on a course of treatment within the next week. I see an oncologist next week. We are leaning toward doing chemo before surgery. The results of these tests I'm doing should validate that. If there are cancer cells that have spread, I want to attack them ASAP. Surgery won't do that, it will only remove the tumors that we know of. Chemo will also possibly shrink the tumors that I do have and makes saving the breast a possibility.

5. That the oncologist that I see be a good fit for us. Praise God that the surgeon we met we really liked. I pray that it is the same for the oncologist. This is the person who will be in charge of the cancer treatment: the chemo and possibly radiation if I need it.

6. Our kids. Pray that they are not fearful. That they be able to step up where needed around the house, live in harmony with each other. That they be able to enjoy some of their hard earned summer vacation.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. I am blessed by you.

His ways are above ours

I got the first full night of sleep last night since being diagnosed last Friday. I can't tell you how good that felt. (God gives his beloved sleep-Psalm 127:2) Thank you Jesus!

I woke up being so thankful to God, realizing in how many ways He has prepared my family and I for this trial. I just want to share the few that I have realized thus far:

1. My fitness fixation. For the first time in my adult life, last summer I just got the urge to finally get into shape. I've kind of been obsessed by it. I jokingly referred to it as my "mid life crisis." Until this week with all my medical tests and appointments, I don't think I missed a workout. I've been doing Jillian's level 3 circuit workouts 4 times a week, which take about 1 1/2 hours each. Then on Saturday, 30 minutes of cardio at the gym and a Zumba class. I've been eating organic produce and whole grains with very limited processed foods. Even those had to have minimal ingredients in them. I haven't had a Diet Coke since last fall. The result was losing 50 pounds. I feel strong and capable of kicking cancer's butt. But I really believe that had I not lost the weight (going down 2 cup sizes) that I would not have felt that lump a few weeks ago. Remember, the doctors were of the opinion that the mammogram and ultrasound in April put me in the clear. It would have been at least another year before it was discovered. Praise God!

2. Getting a mammogram in the first place. Again, I just got the "urge" to go get a mammogram. Kaiser did not send me a reminder. Heck, even the government is trying to change their recommendations for women to put the age to 50 to start getting routine mammograms. (Side note to young women--DO NOT WAIT! Younger women have higher death rates because it is not diagnosed early) I truly believe that God planted that desire in my heart to start focusing on breast health. I'll confess that I've never even really been good at breast self examination. I'd lie to the docs when asked. I didn't think I had a family history, and I just never bothered. Praise God!

3. Eric's self-education. My husband, Eric, works for a company that is involved in medicinal chemistry and drug discovery. He felt he needed to do some learning on his own about biology and stuff. For the past 6-9 months, he has been listening to lectures through iTunes U from MIT about....cancer. So when I was diagnosed, he knew all of these questions to ask about the pathology. He also has contacts through his work with some very impressive cancer researchers that he has been able to consult about our decisions. Praise God!

4. Changing insurance options. The kids and I have been with Kaiser for a few years. I like Kaiser. But I've wanted to open up a Health Savings Account for awhile now and just procrastinated about it. To do that would mean I would have to apply for a slightly different "HSA compatible" policy. I just didn't want to take the time. But for some reason, in May I just decided to do it. We were approved, and effective June 1, we are on a different Kaiser plan. I haven't had to make a single co-pay thus far. The old plan had a $30 co-pay for each visit, and the mammograms/ultrasounds were nearly $200. I'm not 100% sure on what our maximum out of pocket will be by the end, but if I read it correctly, it will only be a few thousand dollars. Chemo is covered. Plus, now that I have an HSA, any out of pocket expenses we do have up to $6,000 will be paid out of pre-tax dollars! Praise God!

5. My marriage. No doubt, the last week has been stressful. But it has brought Eric and I closer together as we figure out how we are going to fight this disease and raise our family at the same time. I'm discovering how much I appreciate him. I think that the concept of life without me has shaken him up too. Praise God!

6. Relationships with God. I pray that this will draw everyone closer to the Lord as we learn that we really depend on Him for every day, every breath, every heart beat. I pray that this will help Eric in his spiritual life as well. This is an area that you can also pray for. God is faithful to complete this work!

I am sure there are other ways God is working in this, these are only the ones I have realized so far. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and allowing me to see YOU on the throne rather than the trials that face me on this day.