Catching up to me?

I think this chemo thing is starting to catch up to me.  The good news is that with only one treatment left, I think I can outrun it in the long haul.  Thank God that I didn't feel this way a couple months ago.

I'm more tired physically.  In past rounds, at this point in time I feel normal.  I'm kicking butt at the gym.  However, yesterday at the gym, I noticed that it was much harder to do lower levels on the Stair master and elliptical than I usually do.  I use a heart rate monitor, so I know if I'm at a range where I am exerting a good bit or not.  I got up to 85% of my heart rate 2 levels lower than before, even during chemo.   This morning, I did a 30 minute cardio workout, (Cindy Whitmarsh's "Less is More" cardio),  off of Exercise TV and it was a challenge.  I did it and then some, but it was a challenge.

There are other physical reminders too.  My nails have these lines on them that don't go away. Most annoying are my eyes.  They are constantly watering.  I may have caught an infection in my eyes.  I'm not sure.  They were really red yesterday and they burn.  I also feel spasms in my eyes and eyelids. The tears then dry and leave salty deposits around my eyes.  In the morning, my eyes are crusted shut.  Gross, isn't it?  I don't know if all of these are side effects of chemo or something else going on.   I was hoping to put off an eye exam until after all of my treatment, but I may see if I can get into an exam in December.  I've gained a couple pounds too, which doesn't make me very happy.  Of course with Thanksgiving, many people do.  But in reality, it has been creeping up on me a little by little for the past couple months.

Mentally, I just don't "feel" like myself completely.  I'm in a kind of constant "zoning" state.  Things just feel weird all the time.  I'm a bit tired all the time.  I spent some time this afternoon just vegging out in front of the television watching a great chick flick-"Letters to Juliet."  That felt great, and I think I'll be doing more of that in the coming few weeks.

When I feel off like this, I try to at least look normal on the outside. I'm an "undercover" cancer patient.  With my eyes, makeup is not my friend. Nevertheless, I gave it a shot this morning for church.  I'm missing a lot of my eyebrows, but I can fill those in with makeup.  I noticed my eyelashes are much thinner as well.  I was happy to come home and take the eye makeup off.  I also wore the wig.  That helps, especially when I catch a glimpse of my own reflection. Especially since I have to wear my glasses.  The downside is that the wig can give me a headache and itches.  At home, it suffers the same fate as the eye makeup...it's OFF!

I'm not complaining here, I'm really not.  I like to think of this post as more of one documenting what I'm feeling like physically and mentally.  I know I am blessed to have made it this far as well as I have.  Only one more round to go.  I plan on getting exercise as best I can this week.  It's one of my mental "things" that I want to keep on doing to show cancer that its not going to get me.  Like I said, it may be gaining on me, trying to catch up.  But I'm going to beat it.

I'm told that these physical issues go away after chemotherapy.  I sure hope so.  It's hard to imagine ever feeling normal again.  I follow another blog about fitness for cancer survivors, written by a cancer survivor and physical trainer.  She mentioned in one of her posts about being so fatigued during chemo that she could barely drag herself to the mail box on some days. Now she runs half marathons and climbs mountains.   My hair will grow back.  (Unless the tamoxifen causes it to be too thin, but that is something for another post.)  My nails will go back to normal.  My eyes will get better.  I will be done with chemotherapy.

It won't be a minute too soon.

Prayer Requests:

• That my eyes heal.  I don't mind the watering so much.  But the spasms and burning are a pain.  I'm going to call Kaiser tomorrow to see if I can get into see an eye doctor. Pray that I can get in at a good time.  I don't know if it would be best to wait until after chemo or get in as soon as I can.  Pray that God will give me the appointment that works best with my other medical issues. 
• That my energy levels stay up.  The kids go back to school tomorrow, so I'm back to the grind as well. 
• That this last round of chemo be effective and kill off any remaining cancer cells in my body. 
• That my spirits stay positive.  It is so easy to get depressed when you have physical pain and medical issues. It is toxic and I don't want to be depressed and negative.  For me, its a downward spiral and I'd soon be dwelling on cancer, recurrence and nasty stuff.  I just don't want to "go there."   Pray that I don't forget to "look up" to my Savior and remember that HE is bigger than all of this.  That I be reminded to seek shelter under His wings, and not lean on my own understanding. 

Incognito cancer patient

I'm undercover today.

It wasn't by design or anything.  I just didn't want to have to figure out what to wear on my head that would match with one of my few long sleeved shirts.  It was actually raining in San Diego today, and the chillier weather warranted something other than short sleeves that I've grown accustomed to.   I was running short on time, so I just put on my wig.  Just for good measure, I also strapped on the girls.  That is, the prosthetic breasts.  Or as I affectionately refer to them, my "foobies."

The wig is really super.  I catch glimpses in the mirror or in a window, and it really does look great.  Like I just stepped out of the hair salon.  And it doesn't go flat in a few minutes!  No bad hair days with wigs, that is for sure.

But it has been a strange day.

Jean-Marc and I went to our weekly mommy and me class, stopping at the library first. I was out and about, going about normal business looking "normal."  Not with a look that screamed "CANCER PATIENT!"  The other moms at the class had seen me in head scarves, so they knew.  I was even a little nervous about showing up in a wig when everyone knew anyway. But not everyone did.  One mom complimented me on my hairstyle.  She said, "I wish my hair would do that."  I almost said, "I wish mine did too!"  I wasn't sure of what to say, really.  Did she know?  Hadn't she noticed the scarves the weeks before?  Or even when we all openly talked about it after the first week or so, just to break the ice?  Maybe she wasn't there that day?  I just accepted the compliment with the "thanks."  When the second mom said something and asked me about the color, I came clean and told her it was a wig.  She asked me if I changed wigs a lot and I told her about the chemo, cancer, and all of that.  She was really sweet about it and we talked about the treatment and stuff.  Like others have said, she had no idea that I was going through of that, and how amazed she was that I was coming to these weekly classes,  and so on.   Again, that is all thanks to God's grace, definitely not my own strength.

I also went to Trader Joe's incognito.  The employees there are so friendly.  The lady checking me out was chatting as she scanned my groceries.  "Did you have a nice weekend?"  she asked me.  Hmm.  What to say. Do I really lay it on and say that I was resting after chemo?  Ha! Probably more than she bargained for with her small talk.  I just said that it was fine.  She asked if I had enjoyed our "light show" on Monday.  Like I mentioned before, we've been having weather in San Diego this week, and apparently she was referring to rain or some lightening on Monday.  I didn't know there was lightening, but then again, I was in the fog on Monday.  I just told her that I was hibernating with the cooler weather.  I don't need to give a reason.  Besides, then you get into the whole cancer conversation.  I'll pass.  Especially when I'm masquerading as a healthy person!

I realize how wrapped up in our own appearances we are.  For one, people who have seen me in cancer garb and see me in the wig don't always notice.  Some do.  But I'm surprised at how many don't. Not everyone is taken aback by the head scarves, I realize.  Although some are.  I've noticed people of all ages giving me sideways glances out in public.  But even for me, just looking normal today has been a total head trip, affecting how I act and feel.  It's interesting.  That's not to say when I'm wearing a scarf I feel bad.  Very often, I feel just fine.  Heck, some of my scarves are worth more than the wig! Something that I used to say in high school (to justify sometimes going around like a slob) was that everyone was too worried about the zit on their nose to notice yours.  I suppose that is true.  Appearances make a difference, even though they shouldn't.

On a slightly related topic, someone asked me today where I get my head scarves.  She has a friend who was just diagnosed with colon cancer and her hair had started falling out after chemo.  I thought I'd give a list of where I've gotten some of mine:

• 4 Women: This is where I get my "beau beaus."  They are great because they slip on like a hat, but look like a tied scarf.  They come in lots of colors, patterns and fabrics too.  Each one comes with a matching scrunchie.  
• France Luxe:  This is a pretty high end site with all kinds of hair and head accessories.  But they have a wonderful program called "Good Wishes" where they will give chemo patients a free head scarf.  The one they sent me retails at $72!  They are gorgeous, made of silk with crystals in the tails.  Lovely! 
• TLC: This is the American Cancer Society's online catalog.  They have lots of  hats, scarves, bands, and hair loss items.  Things you never even thought that you might need....like night caps to catch hair that falls out at night.
• Headcovers Unlimited: A lot like TLC.  They also have kits and templates to draw on eyebrows that come out.  
• Your own collection?  I happen to have a lot of silk scarves, thanks to my husband and mother in law. I would get a Hermes or Louis Vuitton scarf on major holidays and Mother's Day.  It was my own personal "French Connection." A 30 inch square scarf can be tied into a turban pretty easily.   I've also found hats at Target and Marshall's.  Check out this video for tips on tying: 

I have a few more stops to make today.  I pick up Isabelle from her girl scout meeting very soon.  That should be fun...her leader is a breast cancer survivor and will like to see my wig.  Then I have to take Olivier to karate.  I've been there 2 other times in the last week, but wearing a scarf or a hat.  Today, I'll go incognito. 

In sickness & in health

Today is my fourteenth wedding anniversary. Eric and I are getting to live out the vows, "in sickness and in health." Although, like I've said before, I don't FEEL sick. Not really.

I was pretty tired yesterday. It was like I was in a fog all day. When I would sit down, I just wouldn't want to get back up. I did manage to take a walk with friends in the morning, but it definitely was physically more challenging than it usually is, and we didn't even do the "big" hill. At least I got some exercise. Next round I need to take it easy on Sunday. I did way too much this time and didn't rest at all. I paid for it yesterday. Being fatigued like that brought me down emotionally as well. I couldn't help but feel a bit blue all day.

The challenging part of days like yesterday is dealing with Jean-Marc in the mid to late morning. When we got home from the walk, I had hoped to be able to put on a "Thomas the Tank Engine" DVD and lay down while he watched. (I know, I know...electronic babysitter....bad mom. Whatever.) It wasn't that easy. He is just always moving, bouncing, and climbing on me. One day last week, he even head-butted me while I was sitting there. So its not exactly easy to rest while you are in defense mode. I was able to get him to a nap around 12:30 p.m. and lay down for an hour before I had to go pick up Olivier and his carpool buddy from the middle school. Man, that hour went by fast.

A bright spot yesterday came with the mail when I received a surprise package from an ICAN friend. It was a pretty pink necklace with a handcrafted card that said "Fight Like a Girl." So sweet. A friend also brought dinner, which was wonderful as well. I'm blessed to have such people in my life. God is good to me and shows it through the kindness of friends and family.

Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep last night was very welcome.

Today is a new day. I started my 7 day Cipro regimen to ward off infections as my white blood cell count goes down. I've had the metallic taste in my mouth for a day or so. A little slice of lemon in water helps with that a lot. This morning, I feel latent sores in my mouth. Not really sores yet, but areas of sensitivity that could develop into them. I'll wash with baking soda/salt and hopefully that will keep it at bay. My energy level seems a little better than yesterday. This morning, I did a 30 minute cardio workout on Exercise TV. Its a low impact workout, but I amped it up a bit by jumping the moves. I broke a sweat, got the endorphins flowing and it felt great.

Eric and I are going to celebrate our anniversary by going to lunch today. I'm going to debut the wig. I actually have it on right now just to get the feel for it. It's a bit itchy, but that may have to do with the fact that not all my hair is gone yet. My head is itching all the time and there are little bumps on my scalp. I hope that is just from the hair falling out process. It looks pretty nasty with the bumps--no glamorous bald chick here. At least not yet!

My prayer requests:

• That the worst part of this round of chemo is over. That my energy level increases each day, that the side effects don't get worse. That I can just go on and live life without having it revolve around cancer therapy.
• That as my white blood cell counts go down that I do not get sick from some other infection. Pray that my immune system be able to rally as much as possible. That the kids stay healthy at school and don't bring any bugs home with them.
• That I do not fall prey to the spiritual attacks of the enemy. Being beaten down physically is one of his ways of attacking us. I started to succumb to it yesterday. Praise God for a night of rest and new mercies this morning! But it is a daily battle-minute by minute.
• That the chemotherapy do what it is supposed to do-kill those bad cells!

Buzzed & wigging out!

I just couldn't take it anymore. Last night while in bed, I kept getting hair in my mouth because it was all over the pillow. When I woke up and wet my hair to comb it, there was a ton in the comb. There was no way I could style it, so I put on a hat. I may have had "hair" but there was no way I could work with it.

It was time.

I called my friend and hairdresser, Sheila, who was able to fit me into her busy schedule today at 1:30 p.m. My mom was able to come over on short notice and do my mommy job of picking kids up from school. All the doors were open.

Here is a picture of me about an hour before the buzz.

And here I am freshly buzzed. I'll get a better picture at some point soon. I was still reacting to the feel of the buzz, so my expression is a little funny.

Note to anyone getting such an extreme cut...close your eyes! I got a piece of hair in my right eye and it attached to my contact lens. It feels really strange to have such short hair. And that is going to come out soon. I have a lint roller that will help me get the rest out in the coming week or so.

It was such a God-orchestrated afternoon. As I got to Sheila's salon, she said her afternoon appointments just canceled. Did I want to go wig shopping? You bet! That was one of the things keeping me awake at 3 a.m. this morning...how on earth was I going to coordinate my busy schedule, Sheila's, and my moms?? I didn't have to. God did!

We went over to the Women's Health Boutique and started trying on wigs. Another God thing happened. The lady working there had appointments all afternoon and wasn't going to be able to help us much. No problem. I found one pretty quickly that I liked. The name of it is "Jolie." In French, that means "pretty." Works for me. It's a bob, very much like I have had in the past. I also bought a hat and a couple of scarves.

We took some pictures for fun, I thought everyone might like to see them.

The Women's Health Store

Today I went and got my post-surgery camisoles. The store is just a block away from my church, Calvary Chapel of Escondido.

Judy, from Kaiser, had called in the authorization for me. Kaiser will provide 2 of the camisoles for me. There was some insurance paperwork to fill out and sign. The lady who worked there commented that the paperwork will only get worse. I'm pretty sure she was referring to the changes coming down from the federal government getting more involved in health care.

The store itself had a lot of interesting things. Compression bands, which I'll probably need for my left arm if I ever travel by air to prevent swelling. They had lots of nice hats, scarves, bandanna and wigs. I'm definitely going to go back there after surgery. I feel a little awkward trying on these things at this point. At least the wigs there had modern styles to them. They also had a bunch of mastectomy bras and swimwear. These garments have little pockets that you can slip your foob into. The lady who worked there was very nice. She asked me what size I usually wear. I had to think a bit, since I've changed sizes so much in the last year. I explained my hesitation and said maybe a 6. She asked what diet I did to lose the weight. When I mentioned Jillian Michaels, she got all excited and said she just bought her book, "Master Your Metabolism." We chatted a bit about it. I explained that the food wasn't really a diet, but changing your eating habits to clean, organic, whole foods. Plus, the exercise...hard exercise, was key as well. It was nice to hear her say she couldn't imagine me not being "so tiny." You have no idea how strange it is to hear someone describe me in that way.

Anyway, she took me to the back and showed me the camisole. I tried a small size on. It was snug, but it is supposed to be. I told her without boobs, it won't be as tight. I took 2 pairs, one in white the other beige. I also got to hold one of the prosthetics for the first time. Yesterday they looked so heavy. The first one I picked up did, but she said it was a big size. She handed me one that would work better on me. It felt really strange. Kind of like a water balloon that is flat on one side and filled with toothpaste. Kind of freaky. This may sound bizarre, but I wonder how much weight I'll "lose" from the mastectomy. It's one heck of a way to lose those last stubborn pounds. The prosthetic fitting should be interesting. Stay tuned.

They mentioned that they have a breast cancer support group that meets at the store. In fact, they have a meeting tomorrow night at 6 p.m. I'm not sure if I'll go or not. There is also a local support group that a friend from church informed me of. They are meeting tonight...I'm missing it. I definitely want to go to these, its just hard with the family, kids, and dinner time to get to things in the evening. But I do want to connect with other women dealing with cancer, especially breast cancer. I've always found the support and knowledge gained from other women who have been in similar situations to be very helpful. So I know I'll end up going. I just don't know if it will be tomorrow.

Holding pattern...but looking good & feeling better

Today's big event was my "Look Good, Feeling Better" session. This is a program put on by a consortium of organizations to help women undergoing cancer treatment to "reduce the visible signs of treatment." For me, it was a way to prepare for what is to come.

I was the first to arrive and sat down at a "station" with a small mirror and some cotton balls. Other women came in and at first it was a small jolt to see women with scarves on their heads. Man...that's going to be me in a few months. But it was good to see that they were mobile, able to joke around a bit and enjoy the session. One woman was very quiet and looked very sad the whole time. She didn't talk much. I sat next to another younger woman who had a baseball cap on. When she took it off, there were just a few strands of hair that she had pulled back into a thin ponytail. At the end of the session, she put on a wig that she had purchased but wasn't wearing yet. It was a really cute inverted bob style. She looked great. I hope she felt better.

The session was led by 3 ladies, one an esthetitian, and one a beautician who specialized in custom hair pieces. They gave us each a big red bag full of makeup, and then we went on to put it all on. A big issue for chemo patients is infection. So there was a lot of talk about sanitation and keeping your cosmetics and tools clean. Another big topic was drawing eyebrows. I guess hair is hair, and it is apt to fall out with the rest of it. (On a side note...maybe I won't have to shave my legs for a looong time??) Anyway, another good part of the session was when they talked about head pieces. The beautician mentioned we could use a wig and basically cut it up and use it to make other custom pieces--sewing a fringe of bangs onto a hat, and so on. Maybe I can use the freebie wig I got last week for that?

We got to take the makeup kit home with us--probably valued between $250-$300. Nice!

In the end, the best part of it for me was being in a room with other women dealing with cancer. I overheard the name of my surgeon and asked about her. The woman across the table is also her patient and LOVED her. She also gave me the name of a good Kaiser plastic surgeon. (I don't know what I'm going to do about that, if anything). I mentioned the name of my oncologist and a third woman piped in saying that she worked for Kaiser and Dr. P has a very good reputation and that I was in good hands. Getting confirmation about my care providers was reassuring. They all raved about the chemo nurses in San Marcos.

I still haven't decided about the surgery, but I think I'm leaning towards bilateral. I haven't seen anyone who has regretted that decision. But I have heard of women who have regretted a single. That's not to say they don't exist.

I'm expecting to hear from my surgeon tomorrow so we can get the surgery scheduled. Her office did call this morning to let me know I wasn't forgotten. She was just in surgery today and wasn't able to call. That was a bit of a disappointment-I was hoping to have a surgery date by now. Our family's plans are all in a holding pattern until we get this surgery date on the calendar. Dr. P's office did call for an appointment on August 5th. So chemo should start shortly after that. Surgery for Jean-Marc's birthday, chemo for Isabelle's.

Not that eventful of a day, but some baby steps were made. I appreciate everyone's continued prayer on my behalf. I don't have any new ones today--yesterday's are still appropriate.

Hair today...gone tomorrow?

When I was in high school, I remember my friend Kelly and I talking about how convenient it would be if everyone were just bald and had a wig collection. Then you wouldn't have to worry about bad hair days. Just pop a wig on your head and you're out the door.

Having kids has wreaked havoc with my hair. After Isabelle, I had hairs on the top of my head break about 3/4 of an inch from the root. So it kind of looked like a mohawk. After Jean-Marc, my hair has been thinning. It was fine to begin with, so to lose some of it didn't help. On top of all that, I've got some gray starting to show.

So you'd think that the prospect of losing my hair wouldn't be a big deal. It's not really. Or is it? I'm not sure how I feel about it all. Today, I started considering that reality when I tried on some wigs at the American Cancer Society's shop. They give chemo patients a free wig (and a free hat, I learned). I got my wig...but it felt strange. The texture is different, the color different, the cut different. Of all the options, it was the best fit for me. I'm not sure if I'll wear it much, though.

To strangers on the street, they won't notice anything out of place. They won't give me a second glance. To people who know me, though, it will probably take some getting used to. I guess it will all boil down to how I feel wearing it. I may feel more comfortable in a scarf and hat.

I've got this catalog of all kinds of hats and scarves. It is mind boggling. I think I need to go try things on. Do I get my hair cut shorter before it all falls out?

I think I am okay with the hair loss thing...its just the process that will be kind of freaky. It is one thing to intellectually come to terms with it. But to pull out clumps of hair is going to be beyond bizarre.

We aren't 100% sure if chemo is going to be before surgery, but we are leaning in that direction. That could mean as early as next week. I meet the oncologist on Friday to find out more about what treatment he suggests. One thing I do know for sure...I want to get started, even if it does mean losing my hair in a few days.