Incognito cancer patient

I'm undercover today.

It wasn't by design or anything.  I just didn't want to have to figure out what to wear on my head that would match with one of my few long sleeved shirts.  It was actually raining in San Diego today, and the chillier weather warranted something other than short sleeves that I've grown accustomed to.   I was running short on time, so I just put on my wig.  Just for good measure, I also strapped on the girls.  That is, the prosthetic breasts.  Or as I affectionately refer to them, my "foobies."

The wig is really super.  I catch glimpses in the mirror or in a window, and it really does look great.  Like I just stepped out of the hair salon.  And it doesn't go flat in a few minutes!  No bad hair days with wigs, that is for sure.

But it has been a strange day.

Jean-Marc and I went to our weekly mommy and me class, stopping at the library first. I was out and about, going about normal business looking "normal."  Not with a look that screamed "CANCER PATIENT!"  The other moms at the class had seen me in head scarves, so they knew.  I was even a little nervous about showing up in a wig when everyone knew anyway. But not everyone did.  One mom complimented me on my hairstyle.  She said, "I wish my hair would do that."  I almost said, "I wish mine did too!"  I wasn't sure of what to say, really.  Did she know?  Hadn't she noticed the scarves the weeks before?  Or even when we all openly talked about it after the first week or so, just to break the ice?  Maybe she wasn't there that day?  I just accepted the compliment with the "thanks."  When the second mom said something and asked me about the color, I came clean and told her it was a wig.  She asked me if I changed wigs a lot and I told her about the chemo, cancer, and all of that.  She was really sweet about it and we talked about the treatment and stuff.  Like others have said, she had no idea that I was going through of that, and how amazed she was that I was coming to these weekly classes,  and so on.   Again, that is all thanks to God's grace, definitely not my own strength.

I also went to Trader Joe's incognito.  The employees there are so friendly.  The lady checking me out was chatting as she scanned my groceries.  "Did you have a nice weekend?"  she asked me.  Hmm.  What to say. Do I really lay it on and say that I was resting after chemo?  Ha! Probably more than she bargained for with her small talk.  I just said that it was fine.  She asked if I had enjoyed our "light show" on Monday.  Like I mentioned before, we've been having weather in San Diego this week, and apparently she was referring to rain or some lightening on Monday.  I didn't know there was lightening, but then again, I was in the fog on Monday.  I just told her that I was hibernating with the cooler weather.  I don't need to give a reason.  Besides, then you get into the whole cancer conversation.  I'll pass.  Especially when I'm masquerading as a healthy person!

I realize how wrapped up in our own appearances we are.  For one, people who have seen me in cancer garb and see me in the wig don't always notice.  Some do.  But I'm surprised at how many don't. Not everyone is taken aback by the head scarves, I realize.  Although some are.  I've noticed people of all ages giving me sideways glances out in public.  But even for me, just looking normal today has been a total head trip, affecting how I act and feel.  It's interesting.  That's not to say when I'm wearing a scarf I feel bad.  Very often, I feel just fine.  Heck, some of my scarves are worth more than the wig! Something that I used to say in high school (to justify sometimes going around like a slob) was that everyone was too worried about the zit on their nose to notice yours.  I suppose that is true.  Appearances make a difference, even though they shouldn't.

On a slightly related topic, someone asked me today where I get my head scarves.  She has a friend who was just diagnosed with colon cancer and her hair had started falling out after chemo.  I thought I'd give a list of where I've gotten some of mine:

• 4 Women: This is where I get my "beau beaus."  They are great because they slip on like a hat, but look like a tied scarf.  They come in lots of colors, patterns and fabrics too.  Each one comes with a matching scrunchie.  
• France Luxe:  This is a pretty high end site with all kinds of hair and head accessories.  But they have a wonderful program called "Good Wishes" where they will give chemo patients a free head scarf.  The one they sent me retails at $72!  They are gorgeous, made of silk with crystals in the tails.  Lovely! 
• TLC: This is the American Cancer Society's online catalog.  They have lots of  hats, scarves, bands, and hair loss items.  Things you never even thought that you might need....like night caps to catch hair that falls out at night.
• Headcovers Unlimited: A lot like TLC.  They also have kits and templates to draw on eyebrows that come out.  
• Your own collection?  I happen to have a lot of silk scarves, thanks to my husband and mother in law. I would get a Hermes or Louis Vuitton scarf on major holidays and Mother's Day.  It was my own personal "French Connection." A 30 inch square scarf can be tied into a turban pretty easily.   I've also found hats at Target and Marshall's.  Check out this video for tips on tying: 

I have a few more stops to make today.  I pick up Isabelle from her girl scout meeting very soon.  That should be fun...her leader is a breast cancer survivor and will like to see my wig.  Then I have to take Olivier to karate.  I've been there 2 other times in the last week, but wearing a scarf or a hat.  Today, I'll go incognito. 

An itch that I can't scratch

I suppose this is a sign of healing and I should be glad.

But my incision areas ITCH LIKE CRAZY! It is driving me nuts. I can't scratch it because it is still tender. Besides, that would probably be really bad anyway. The sunburn feeling is still there, but now it is an itchy sunburn. I sure hope it goes away soon. This will seriously drive me insane if it goes on for too long.

On a lighter note, there is a wonderful scarf designer named Laurie Erickson who has a webstore with really upscale hair accessories called France Luxe. She has a program called the "Good Wishes Program" where she will send you a free scarf or head wrap. They are gorgeous. How nice is that? They retail for about $72. A lot of her scarves are silk. I've read that silk can slip off your head. But I think the silk wraps have a band sewn into the inside so it won't slip. I've ordered a scarf/hat band from another company that I'll try with some of my own silk scarves.

We had a great opportunity today to pick the brains of some of this country's smartest oncologists. I mentioned before in my blog that through his work with Prestwick Chemical, he has made contact with a researcher at MD Anderson Cancer Center. MD Anderson, located in Texas, is ranked #1 in cancer care in the country. He specializes in combination therapies for cancer. Anyway, Eric asked him today his opinion on the issue of whether or not I should take the Adriamycin. His associate passed the question onto a senior colleague who specializes in breast cancer oncology. This was his answer:

"...the standard regimen in place in California excludes Adriamycin. There is a preference for the inclusion of Adriamycin here but this is not widely accepted and moreover has not been demonstrated to be beneficial in a controlled study. In short, it is fully reasonable to exclude Adriamycin from his point of view and indeed, many leaders in medical breast medical oncology would argue strongly against using Adriamycin."

So there it is! Confirmation by some of the smartest and cutting edge cancer gurus in America. It makes me feel more settled about it to get this news. I already trusted Dr. P, but this confirmation only makes my esteem grow. So that is the decision. No adriamycin for me.

This is such a God thing! The fact that Eric just "happens to know" people at MD Anderson who work in this field is divine. It's not an accident. I had been praying and asking people to pray that I would get confirmation. Here it is!

My prayer requests:

• That this itching would go away. It is seriously uncomfortable.
• That we would have a nice day tomorrow (Thursday) before chemo begins. We are going to organize Isabelle's room in the morning. I'm trying to get her hooked into the Flylady system. Hopefully if we can work together to get her room into a good state, she can "Fly" from there. The state of her room has been a source of conflict between her and her dad.
• That I be able to sleep. I've been having trouble waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep. A full night of uninterrupted sleep would be nice.
  
• Of course, healing is always a prayer request. That the cancer already be gone. If it isn't, that this chemo regimen would be effective against it.