More than a conqueror

Pinch me, okay?  A little harder, please.  Because I can't believe that I only have one more day of radiation.

I got to see the doctor today (must be Wednesday).  He asked me if I was considering breast reconstruction. If I was, I should wait a year to let my skin heal.  Frankly, at this point, I'm not interested. Maybe I'll change my mind later. He talked about the different types of reconstructive surgery that were out there, and those that Kaiser did. It was music to my ears to hear him say I was a bit limited in my options since I didn't have enough belly fat to do certain types of reconstruction. In my case, he thought they would recommend a LAT Flap, where they take a piece of your latissimus dorsi muscle on your back to form the breast. Yuck. Doesn't sound very appealing to me. But like I said, I may change my mind later.

The Mepilex came from Amazon today, just as promised. I was a little disappointed because its not exactly the same version I have been using. This one is a 4x4 square, but has an adhesive border all around it. It's not quite as thick as the other one, either. But I stuck one on anyway. Hopefully the adhesive won't rip my skin off too bad. The burns are actually looking a little better.  The doctor said that in 6 weeks, my skin will look normal again. We'll see.

I kind of feel like I should do something to mark the day tomorrow. I saw one guy who was a regular at the radiation office bring in bagels for the staff a few weeks ago. I figured that was his way of celebrating the last day. I was right, because I didn't see him again. I overheard the staff talking today in the other room while I was waiting to see the doctor. The doc said, "Who brought that in?" Someone responded with a man's name. He said, "The prostate?"  I gathered from that exchange that a patient with prostate cancer had brought some goodies in for them. I don't feel like bringing the staff gifts, but I do feel like marking the day somehow. Mom and I are planning to go to the gym afterwards. In a way, that makes sense. The day I was diagnosed, I hung up the phone with Judy, the breast cancer nurse coordinator, went upstairs and did a killer Jillian Michael's circuit training workout. I have made a big effort to continue exercising throughout this journey, to keep myself as strong as possible. So ending it with a good workout isn't a bad idea.

We are going to celebrate this weekend. I bought a heritage turkey a month ago from this ranch that I order grass fed meat from, Hearst Ranch. We'll cook it this weekend and have family over to celebrate the end of the major treatment.

The journey isn't over, though. But as my physical therapist said last week, "the healing can begin." It will be nice to know that I won't be getting pumped full of poison, or blasted with radiation. My body can begin to heal from the wounds inflicted upon it and I can get stronger. I was listening to a sermon by pastor Skip Heitzig this morning on my way to radiation. He was making a distinction between being a "survivor" and being one that has more than conquered. In Romans 8:37, Paul said, "In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us."  Paul was in prison, had been beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, and suffered from chronic physical issues. (His "thorn in the flesh.") Yet he referred to himself not as a survivor, which Skip likened to someone who barely makes it out alive. He referred to himself as one who was more than a conqueror.  The enemy had been utterly defeated through Christ.  I like that!

In the cancer community, I am a "survivor."  I will be happy to call myself that so everyone knows my status. But I prefer to think of myself as MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!  I have been cut, poisoned, and burned. I've suffered, and will carry the scars for a lifetime. But I've come out on the other side.  The enemy has been defeated, and it is through the grace and strength of Christ that it has been accomplished.

"Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints...."  Ephesians 6:10-18

11 days to go...

11 days until my surgery. Not that I'm counting or anything. Yeah, right.

Yesterday was Jean-Marc's 2nd birthday. We had a nice little family get together at our house with my parents. I posted my birthstory and birth slide show on my Facebook page. As I re-watched the video, I couldn't help but notice and think about...you guessed it. My breasts. According to one of the books I have on breast cancer, it takes years for tumors to grow to the point where you can feel it. So I had to have had it while pregnant with Jean-Marc. In fact, it is a good possibility that the hormonal surges associated with the pregnancy and birth may have made it grow. Who knows? It doesn't really matter at this point.

Tomorrow is a big day. I have an appointment with Judy, the nurse coordinator at 9:30 a.m. She is going to talk to me about post-surgical stuff. I'm going to be getting one or two post-surgical camisoles to wear while recovering from surgery. She'll probably also introduce me to the prosthesis as well. At 11:15, I have a pre-op appointment with my surgeon. Then at 6:30 p.m. I have a consultation with a plastic surgeon to see what my options will be in the future for reconstruction, if I choose it. In between, I have to return my original mammogram films to Kaiser and get my blood drawn for the BRCA genetic testing. Eric and I are going to make a day of it. My mom is going to keep the kids all day and overnight. Hopefully we'll find something pleasant to do in the hours in between the appointments. It will be a full day, and keeping busy will kill another day. Soon I'll be down to single digit days.

I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for the immediate post-op. I've been looking at pictures of other women who have been through double mastectomies. At first glance, it is like a punch in the stomach. Especially when I try to envision those scars on me. Two scars on top for my breasts and one below from my cesarean. Battle scars all three, without a doubt. I overcame the cesarean scar. I will overcome these new ones as well. On a bright note, seeing pictures of the same women later in time is encouraging. The scars on the outside fade. It's amazing what plastic surgeons can do to re-create the areola.

It's too bad, but sometimes it takes an intense event to "feel" God. Even though He is always there, when times are good I tend to take Him for granted. Sometimes days would go by when I didn't pick up my bible or pray. I definitely felt His presence during Jean-Marc's birth. During the few weeks since my diagnosis, I've again tangibly felt His presence with me. I'm so grateful that I know Him and can see the times when a comforting word spoken by someone, or a verse recalled isn't coincidence but GOD reaching out to me to get me through this. I want to thank all of you who have been praying for me and supporting me. God is working through you and it is amazing to see the body of Christ coming together in such a beautiful way. It's humbling.

My prayer requests today are:

• That the cancer does not spread further before surgery.
• That I not go crazy waiting for the next 11 days.
• That I can sleep through the night. I actually made it to 6 a.m. yesterday. Today, I was back to 4:30 a.m., but was able to kind of doze until 6. I wouldn't call it sleep though.
• That I be able to be less selfish in this journey. I think I've neglected Eric. He's going through his own set of stuff related to this. I need to be a better wife. Sometimes his crankiness though gets me even more upset. Hey....I'm the one with cancer here! But that is my fleshly, selfish reaction.
• That Olivier has a fun time at boy scout camp. He's leaving this morning until the 17th. I hope he can just let loose and have a great time, not worry about me or be too homesick. A little is okay, though. :-)