Thoughts on my last chemo eve

Tomorrow marks a date on the calendar that I have looked forward to since August.  December 3rd.  My sixth and final round of chemotherapy.

I have mixed emotions about it.  Yes, I am thrilled to have it behind me. It will be a celebration, to be sure.  Pardon the crude expression, but chemo sucks.  It affects your body and mind, inside and out.  It affects every aspect of your life and your family's life.  Weekends and holidays lose meaning.  Dates, birthdays, anniversaries and events are only important as how it relates to chemo.  You are unable to participate in all of your kids' events like you used to.  Even if you feel okay, which I have been blessed to have been a surprising amount of time, you look like a sick person.  Bald, thin or no eyebrows or eyelashes. You get looks from friends and strangers alike when they don't think you can see them. You can see when people are shocked or taken aback just by seeing you. On some faces, you see the looks of pity.  Which sometimes makes you feel worse.  Not always, but sometimes.

On the other hand, there is a bizarre kind of security in being in chemotherapy.  You are doing something actively to fight the disease. It may be wiping you out, but you are fighting back.  With chemo over, the waiting begins.  Will the cancer come back? Was it enough chemo? Was the chemo effective on the cells?  Because I had surgery first, I have no real way of knowing for sure.  If I had chemo first, we would know if those drugs shrunk the tumor.  On the other hand, we got the known cancer out so I feel good in that decision of timing. Did we use the right drug combination?  It is a little like I felt in the beginning of this experience when we just didn't know what we were dealing with.  I feel a little like we are coming full circle. Is the cancer there?  We just don't know.

This is where I guess one must simply walk by faith and trust that whatever happens, is what God has in store for the ultimate good.

I had an appointment with Dr. P, the oncologist, today.  I asked him about where we go after treatment.  He wants to see me in four months, and then we will go to every six months.  Obviously, I can't have mammograms.  So how do we screen for the cancer coming back?   I wasn't very reassured by his answer.  Remember, this is a research type guy.  He's really smart and knows his stuff.  He may not have the best bedside manner, but we have developed a rapport over the past few months.  Even so, he doesn't sugar coat or spare any unnecessary words.  He said he does not like to do scans because they lead to a lot of false positives.  My gut would rather have a false positive than not catch cancer earlier.

The bottom line he said was that if the cancer comes back, its not going to be curable. Not those exact words, but he did use the words, "not curable."   Thud.   Punch me in the gut, why don't you, doc?  If it comes back, it will have moved to either an organ or the bones. It isn't the kind of thing that would kill me right away.  They have treatments and therapies to help you live with it for as long as possible. But he put my darkest fear into words and it was out there in the room.

In my case, he has observed that I am a health conscious person.  I exercise a lot and have good body awareness.  I can tell if there is "something wrong."  In some ways, its true.  On the other hand, I had no clue about having breast cancer until I felt the cancerous lymph node in May.  Breast cancer was so far off my radar screen.  Now it is smack dab in the middle of it.  So maybe that will be enough of a red flag to seek an exam.  He told me that I should keep in mind that we are throwing everything at this cancer that we can, so I can "put that in my back pocket."

I still don't feel that comfortable with the situation.  But I suppose every person who has gone through cancer therapy feels that way.  I can look on the bright side...I still have radiation to go through.  So there is more fight left to fight.  I'll be on tamoxifen for at least 2 years starting in late December/early January.  In 2 years, we'll test my estrogen levels to see if my ovaries have resumed making estrogen.  At my age (41), the menopause I'm experiencing may go away.  Lucky me, I'll get to do it again later on.  If I am post-menopausal, then they can move me to another class of drugs with a smaller dose and less side effects.  I'm grateful to have a type of cancer that is receptive to this hormonal therapy.  It's another security blanket.

There are other things I can do to prevent the cancer from coming back. Lifestyle things like keeping my weight down (another incentive), eating right, and limiting alcohol.  The more I learn about the health risks of being overweight, the more annoyed I am with myself that I let it go for so long. At least now I'm near my ideal weight.  After all of the treatment is over next spring, I'd like to drop at least another 10 pounds.  I would hate to have to lose the 50 pounds that I lost last year now. That was another way God prepared me for this trial.

Anyway, that is the jumbled mess of my thoughts tonight as I await my last infusion of taxotere and cytoxan. ("TC" in cancer treatment parlance.)   The bottom line is that while I am thankful for this phase of the journey to be over, I am reluctant to let this toxic lifeline go.

My prayer requests:

• That my final round of chemo go smoothly tomorrow. That I tolerate it well and that the drugs do the job they are supposed to do. 
• That I be able to put my fears aside and walk by faith.  I know that God already knows the number of my days. It doesn't do me any good to worry about it, and by worrying I'm not having faith.  Fear is the opposite of faith.  I want to live by faith, not fear.  Pray that I not "go there" in my mind. 
• For complete healing.  That there be no cancer cells in my body anywhere.  

Someone who has been there

I got a call today from a volunteer from the American Cancer Society (ACS). They have a program that matches cancer patients up with survivors with similar situations for advice, counsel, and overall mentoring. I told ACS this morning that I would be interested in talking to someone, and I got a call the same day. Pretty efficient. (As a side note, the American Cancer Society has been amazing. A very worthy charity, they do a lot for cancer patients)

"Pam" was diagnosed at the age of 44. By all measures her cancer was "worse" than mine. She was a "triple negative." The bottom line of that is that it was a more aggressive cancer and not receptive to hormone treatment. Her grade and stage was 3. She had a bilateral mastectomy, which is what I'm mentally gearing up for on Thursday. It was nice to talk to someone else who had been there. I do have a good friend who went through this about a year and a half ago that has been very open with me. But I'm always on the lookout for more information and experiences.

Some useful advice Pam gave me:

• When I wake up, my chest will be flat or even concave. She advised me to wait a day or so to look at it in the mirror. Maybe put my hands up there to "feel" the flatness first. When I do venture a peek, have someone there with me.
• The fluid in the drains will start out red. There may even be "floaties" in it, tissue or other stuff like that. Don't freak out on it. Just measure it and dump.
• The drains will make it difficult to be comfortable. They are probably the worst part. In the hospital, prop my arms up on the sides with pillows. Speaking of pillows, ACS is going to be sending me 3 special pillows to help in my recovery.
• When the drains are removed, it may hurt. The tubes are going to be about 1-2 inches inside my body for several days, if not a week or two. There is the possibility that scar tissue may form around the tubes. When they yank it out, it could hurt. Judy, the nurse at Kaiser, suggested I take a pain pill before the appointment. I will definitely do that.
• Many people have never had cancer or been touched by cancer. So they will say "let me know if there is anything I can do." This is their way of trying to help. I need to let them. Rather than say everything is okay like you have been doing all your life, now is a time for you to come up with things that you need done. Even if its a ride for the kids, or having someone bring you a food you are craving. Get over being self-sufficient.

At one point in the conversation, she mentioned that she didn't know how "attached" I was to my breasts, but they are killing me. I shared with her that I am very aware of that, and wish they were gone already. That I don't even want to touch them. I have very similar feelings towards my cesarean scar, although those have faded with time. But I am repulsed by my breasts, especially the left one, to be sure. Yet, at the same time, I have flashes where the thought of surgery puts a panic in the pit of my stomach. It reminds me of feelings that I have had when pregnant. I'd be going along just fine, and then think about the looming challenge of childbirth and have a momentary freak-out to myself saying, "Oh my God....can I do this?" It is kind of like that, but worse. Because at least at the end of childbirth, you have a baby. At the end of this, I'll be scarred and mutilated with painful recovery and chemo to look forward to.

Pam has survived a stage 3 cancer that was more aggressive than mine. She has gone on to finish her education and live life. She said that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's just that the tunnel takes turns at points where you can't see the light. In those places, you just have to get past it. She is sending me a bunch of stuff, pillows, bra stuffers, etc. from ACS. Nice! More freebies! She is going to call again on Wednesday night to see how I'm doing and answer any last minute questions I may have.

On another positive note, Eric gave me the go-ahead to get some help around the house. I've had two wonderful women here cleaning my house all day. It has been 7 hours so far! They are dusting blinds, doing windows, cleaning appliances...it is fantastic. They are going to be coming every other week for the foreseeable future. He doesn't want me exposed to bacteria and stuff once my immune system is down during chemo. That works for me, I've got to say. :-)

My prayer requests today:

• That I be able to sleep. I've actually slept 6-7 hours each night for the past few nights. But I know that is a gift from God and I'd like it to continue. Especially the night before surgery. I have to report to Kaiser at 9:00 a.m. on Thursday.
• That the cancer not grow anymore.
• That my family not be fearful. Eric had an episode today where he started crying in front of the kids saying that the thought of me not getting through this, "scared the hell out of him." We all have our weak moments. Everyone needs extra strength this week as we gear up for what is to come.

Battle Lines

As the title of my blog indicates, I view this journey with breast cancer as a battle.

I woke up yesterday morning at 4 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. I lay there pondering the idea of battles, God, and how He comforts and strengthens His people who are in a fight. A few weeks ago, Pastor Miles mentioned a verse from the book of Joshua: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9) I wrote it down because it spoke to me so directly.

I started thinking about Joshua and the battles that he fought to secure the Israelites place in the promised land. He had this promise from God from the beginning-that God would be with him. And God did show Himself mighty on Joshua's behalf. Being outnumbered, weaker in terms of weaponry, as long as Joshua and the Israelites remembered God as the most important factor in the battle, they won. However, when they tried to go into battle without direction from God first and fight in their own strength, they lost miserably.

I feel a bit like Joshua myself. I am clinging to the command and promise from Joshua 1:9. The Lord my God is with me wherever I go. He's with me in the sleepless hours of the night. He's with me in the doctor's office. He will be with me during surgery next week. If God is with me, then who or what can be against me? The battle belongs to Him, I am merely a foot soldier.

I looked up the word "battle" in Blue Letter Bible and found this:

• "When you go out to battle against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the LORD your God is with you, who brought you up from the land of Egypt. So it shall be, when you are on the verge of battle, that the priest shall approach and speak to the people. And he shall say to them, 'Hear, O Israel: Today you are on the verge of battle with your enemies. Do not let your heart faint, do not be afraid, and do not tremble or be terrified because of them; Deuteronomy 20:1-3 It is very similar to what God told Joshua, and it speaks directly to me. Cancer is scary. It can make the heart grow faint. Kind of like what it would feel like as a soldier going into battle and seeing the enemy for the first time. An enemy that is notorious, strong, and vicious. But God has brought me out of the land of Egypt. He has saved me from the eternal consequences of my own sin. Here I am, on the verge of battle with my enemy, cancer. I am not afraid. The Lord my God is with me.
• And they were helped against them, and the Hagrites were delivered into their hand, and all who [were] with them, for they cried out to God in the battle. He heeded their prayer, because they put their trust in Him. 1 Chronicles 5:20 I must put my trust in God. It's easy to say on a sunny day. But when facing something big and scary, it can be hard to walk the walk. I must continually cry out to God in this battle. He will hear my prayers. He will deliver me from this.

I've been mulling this whole topic over for the past 24 hours and have decided to do a couple things. First, I want to re-read the book of Joshua before my surgery. Secondly, I want to study this more in depth in the next few months. In addition to Joshua, I can think of several warriors and battles from the Bible (Gideon, David, Jehoshaphat, just to name a few). I want to study how God was involved in the battles they faced. Then I want to see how that speaks to me and relates to my upcoming battle.

My prayer requests:

• That I be able to follow God's command to not be fearful in the face of my enemy, cancer. The mental and spiritual battle is almost as bad, if not worse, than the physical one at this point. I need help walking the walk here. I know God's commands are also His enablements. He does not command us to do anything He wont' help us to do. The thought of this surgery is scary. It's a mutilation. I will have battle scars. I'm looking forward to it because it will mean the known tumors are gone. But I still will come out of it physically changed. I don't want to be afraid of what I will look like. Not in a vain kind of way. But seriously, when I look at it in the mirror, I don't want to puke. I know it can all be "fixed" on the outside. I don't want to be afraid of this and I need God's help.
• That I be able to be "present" for Eric. He is going through so much too. It is hard for him to watch me struggle with all of this. He would like my company from time to time. My body may be in the room, but my mind is often elsewhere. It's hard to even have a conversation because I'm always thinking about something related to cancer. I need to be able to be a partner to him right now, even while gearing up for battle.
• That the kids would not be fearful. I'm doing my best not to show fear to them. I'm trying to have fun with them each day so at least their minds aren't focused on cancer. I want them to have a fun summer and have their lives as normal as possible. I want them to trust God in this situation. I want them to see how God is at work, is on the throne, and is in charge of everything. Let this situation teach them this for life.

Thank you all for your prayers. God bless you.

Blue Friday into a sunny Saturday

I'll admit it. I was bummed out all day yesterday. My morning freak-out over that educational pamphlet sent me on a downward spiral for the rest of the day. The waiting for surgery is so excruciating. I called Kasier's surgery scheduling to see if there were any cancellations that might move up my date. There wasn't. Although, she did say that my surgeon had flagged my case as a very high priority and if there was an opening, I would be one of the first people called.

I went through the motions. I did my workout in the morning. Made 3 meals for the family. Cleaned up after 3 meals for the family. I even tried to do something that would lift my mood by getting a pedicure. I went all out on it too-every option the guy suggested I went for. But I just couldn't shake that cloud.

Afterwards, I went shopping for some button up the front shirts. I'm going to be too sore to get pullovers on and off for awhile. I found nothing at Nordstrom rack. All the cute tops were PULLOVERS! I was tempted to buy for the future. But who knows what I'm going to be shaped like? I made my way over to Ross and found 3 shirts and a pair of pajamas that button up the front. They are okay. As I'm checking out, the girl says to me, "Oh, I see you are drawn to a particular style." Sheesh. If you only knew, girlie. I just let it go. I thought of my possible responses. The mild side would be, "Yeah, I'm going to be having some surgery soon." Or I could just put it out there, "I'm going to have my breasts removed because I have cancer. It's going to be hard to get on tops like I'm wearing now." I think I just said, "Yeah, I didn't have any in that style before."

It was just like that all day. Perhaps it was a form of self pity. I don't know. I just wallowed in this yuckiness all day.

This morning, I woke up early (as usual). I prayed to God that He would help me. Of course, I asked Him to keep the cancer at bay. But I needed encouragement that only my Heavenly Father could give. He led me to this:

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you.

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Behold, all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced.

They shall be as nothing.

And those who strive with you shall perish. [cancer cells]

You shall seek them and not find them. [cancer cells]

They shall be as nothing, As a non-existent thing.

For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.' "

Isaiah 41:10-13

How awesome is that? I just love how God's Word cut right to the fears of my heart. Even putting a label on my mood from yesterday-dismayed. Thats exactly what I was feeling. Then he told me not to feel that way, because He will strengthen me and help me. Then he promises that there will be ultimate victory. The cancer cells will be as nothing...as a non-existent thing. Thank you Jesus!

God's Word is true and everlasting. My feelings, my fears, my thoughts are deceptive and changing. I am led astray by stupid things like that educational booklet, or someone's offhand comment. I can allow fear to overtake me and make me forget God's promises. But if I give Him the chance-by staying in my devotions, by reading His Word, He will bring me back. Next time I'm feeling blue, I need to just stop everything and pick up my bible and spend some time with the God of all comfort.

I know that today will be a better day for me. Starting it off with such encouragement from the Lord is so wonderful. I'm going to go do Zumba this morning--one of the last times I'll be able to do it for awhile. This afternoon, I'm going to work on a couple of dishes that I'm bringing to a 4th of July party at my mom's house. All the while, I will be counting my blessings. For they are many.

A dark evening

It had been a week since my diagnosis. What I do know: I have a tumor in my breast and in one lymph node. What I don't know: if this cancer has spread anywhere else. The results of the PET scan should tell us this.

As my ICAN friends will attest, I am a big fan of online support groups. When Olivier was born with a cleft lip, when I was dealing with processing my cesarean and wanting to birth vaginally, I sought out women in similar situations to commiserate, learn, and be empowered by and with. I've found a group, although I have not yet posted. It's called the Young Survivor Coalition. They've got some very inspirational stories of survival. A few days ago, it really got me in a positive frame of mind.

Early last evening, I made the mistake of going on a part of their bulletin board about metastatic cancer. Because I've got lymph node involvement, they are calling mine that. I wasn't on it long. I read the story of a young woman who discovered a lump while pregnant, her OB blew it off. After the baby was born, she was diagnosed. Her PET scan showed the cancer had spread to her bones. I couldn't read much more. It is so tragic. What an awful disease.

It just made the unknown results of MY PET scan all the more ominous. I know we are 2 different people. But it just made my mind go to the "what if" place for a few hours. I couldn't even really enjoy the fabulous dinner I made.

After the kids went to bed, Eric asked me what was going on. He could tell something was bothering me. I fell apart. Once the tears started, they just wouldn't stop. Between sobs, I told him about my fears. He was really good about trying to reassure me. We caught it early, he said. But did we? I mean, it is already in a lymph node. We just don't know. What if it is in my bones too? Or organs? We just don't know.

Then Eric asked if I wanted to pray together. Of course I did. So as I cried, he held me and prayed. It was an amazing step.

I did not want to be awake all night with these thoughts. That would be torture. Sitting in bed, I reached for my bible and opened to the Psalms. Thank you Lord for the Psalms! I want to share a couple of passages that ministered to me in my distress:

• Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out your hand Against the wrath of my enemies [cancer], and your right hand will save me. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands [me]. (Psalm 138:7-8) I especially loved the verse "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me." Oh yes, God. Please.
• The 23rd Psalm is always a comfort. But last night this part spoke to me: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
• "For in the time of trouble, He shall hide me in His pavilion; In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord." (Psalm 27:5-6).

I read and re-read these passages several times and just thanked the Lord for his Word. I prayed for calm and for sleep and was able to turn the light out. During the night, if I felt like I might wake up, "You grant sleep to those you love." (Psalm 127:2) and I kept snoozing. Praise God.

When I woke up this morning, I realized that what someone told me about this battle being spiritual is so true. The enemy wants to rob me of peace and joy. It is hard to keep that peace in such a turbulent time. I had a few pretty good days there, and he saw a weak spot and zeroed in on it.

I need to literally remind myself to put on my Godly armor every morning to fight this fight. I let it down last night and the results were not good. What is my Godly armor? The helmet of salvation. Knowing that no matter what, I am going to spend eternity in heaven with Jesus. This is not my home, this body is just a temporary tent. This should protect my mind from going to those dark places. The belt of truth: Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. (John 14:6) He girds me, encircles me and supports me. The breastplate of righteousness: I have righteousness through Jesus' sacrifice for me on the cross. My righteousness (through Him) protects my body and soul. It permits me fellowship with the Father so I can come before him spotless and ask Him for what I need and want. Thank you Jesus! The shoes shod with the gospel of peace: I carry the good news of the gospel-that Jesus came down from heaven as a man. He lived a perfect life, died on the cross for my sin. The perfect sacrifice. Then he rose again. Anyone who puts their faith in Him will be saved. Eternal life. The shield of faith: keeping my faith close to me will enable me to deflect the firey arrows that are shot at me. I temporarily forgot about that last night. The sword: A soldier's sword is protection and slays the enemy. My sword is the Word of God. It is living and powerful. It changes lives. It purifies me from the inside out. As I experienced last night, it comforts and calms. It also slays my enemy the devil. He cannot stand against it. I've read the whole thing and I know the ending. The devil loses. God wins. I'm on God's team. Yeah!

When I got up, I saw that many of you were lifting me up in prayer last night. I had posted something on my facebook status about fighting the "what ifs." Your prayers definitely worked. I slept all night and was comforted here by Eric and also by the Lord in my sleep. Thank you all.

My big prayer request is that the PET scan come out showing that the cancer is only in the 2 spots we know of, or has completely disappeared. (Wouldn't that be amazing?) It may sound strange, but if I just have cancer in my breast and a lymph node, I would be jumping up and down on the mountaintop with joy. But, above all, I want God's will to be done. So if that is not His will, then He will strengthen me to deal with it.

God bless you all!