Make Up

I got a call yesterday (Saturday) from the radiation oncologists office.  The machine was fixed, and the doctor wanted to have me come in today (Sunday) for a treatment.  I was glad to oblige, and was able to squeeze it in before church.  I just left the 3 kids in the car with the DVD running with a Charlie Brown DVD in it. I'm glad we were able to make up for last Friday...so it looks like I'm back on track for the February 17th finish.

Speaking of make up, I've been trying some organic make up. I'm trying a brand called Coastal Classic Creations. It's billed as being "ultra pure."  I'm still getting used to it.  I've been trying some eyeshadow that doubles as an eye liner if you wet the tip of the brush and some mascara.  My first impression is that I like how it looks when it goes on, but it doesn't last like the toxic stuff does.  I tend to find dark shadows under my eyes a few hours later. If I'm not wearing anything on my head, I look like a sick person!  I'm still going to stick with this brand--their products are safely rated according to the Environmental Working Group's safe cosmetics database.

I like to wear makeup on Sunday mornings to church, so I wore the thew organic stuff this morning. I learned something else about it....it definitely is not waterproof! A dear sister that I have gotten to know at the women's bible study over the past few years has been diagnosed with uterine cancer. Her hysterectomy is coming up this week. I was glad to see her this morning and spent some time with her before the service.  She is right at the beginning of the cancer journey and I can so identify with what she is going through. She had questions about chemotherapy and wigs. She has so much to go through.  I've been there, and I know. Even though our cancers are different, there is a lot that is similar. We not only are sisters in Christ, but now we are cancer warriors together.

It broke my heart during the worship time. I glanced over at her and saw she was crying. Just like I did for several Sundays after my diagnosis.  I couldn't both sing and keep it together. I could either listen to the words and maintain my composure, or sing like I wanted to, my voice croaking and crying. I love worship time and love to sing. So I would try, but then the tears would come and roll down my face. Seeing my friend struggling sent me right back there to where I was last June and July. I cried and cried during worship and washed my make up away completely.

The words to the songs we were singing talked about Jesus being the one who saves us from death. That is true, and I believe it with every fiber of my being.  But the concept of "death" is bigger than just this body dying. The soul and spirit are eternal.  That is the part that Jesus has rescued His people from-we won't be eternally separated from God. This present body I have will die, and that is the hard part. It is all we know and we struggle to keep it going.  The apostle Paul likens these bodies to tents. There is something much better to come. "For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." 2 Corinthians 5:1.

I've been pondering the concept of "death" lately. Partially because of my own fear of recurrence. Partially because a fellow cancer blogger, Daria, passed away last week from breast cancer a few days shy of her 50th birthday. Maybe its because there has just seemed to have been such a storm of people being diagnosed with cancer. The specter of death seems to be all around. I just don't want to "go" there mentally, but I can't avoid thinking about it.  It may not be cancer. Maybe it will be old age, or a car accident, or something else. Everybody's body is going to die.  I've just got a preview that my way to go may be cancer.  I hope not.  But God only knows.  But I do have comfort and assurance that when that time does come, I won't cease to exist. I will have just changed addresses. I'll be with the Lord in glory with all of the others who have accepted Jesus as their Savior.

But it still is hard. I just have to trust God each day and put my faith in Him.

Please pray for my friend who is having surgery this week.

Making plans and connecting dots...

I'm in a new phase of my radiation therapy. No longer do they put the pad on my chest to bring the dose closer to the skin. The positions of the machine seemed to be the same to me, but they could have made some adjustments.  Not having the pad should help my skin out, or so they say.  The radiation will go in a little deeper, I suppose.

Today they told me after the treatment they were going to "plan the scar." So I was just supposed to continue lying there while they did it. Whatever--I'm going along for the ride.  Apparently, at the end of radiation, they will spend some time giving my left scar some extra attention with the radiation beams.

Today, after the typical treatment, the techs began to slide in extra plates on the machine above me. It felt like being a bug under glass in a NASA experiment at the international space station. The extra plates made the machine come down to almost my chest. It is really hard to describe what it looked like. I found this picture on the internet that comes close. (That's not me!)  Then I got to wait for my actual doctor to come in. Thankfully, the techs were sensitive enough to take the robe I was laying on and drape it over me so I wasn't exposed like a piece of meat on the table.

I rarely actually see the doctor. Today I passed him in the small hallway as I was arriving and gave him a smile and nod. He just passed by without even noticing that I was there. I was a little miffed by that. Hello!! After a few minutes of lying there, he came in and began to draw dots around my scar. It went all around the scar and he mentioned that he would include my drain scars as well. Then he left. All he said to me was, "How are you today?"  Not like he even listened to the answer.  I could have done the Charlie Brown "waa waa waa waa" and it wouldn't have made a difference.  Maybe he was just having a bad day. I actually liked him the first time I saw him. So I'll give him the benefit of the doubt today and be merciful in my judgment.

After the doctor left, the techs then laid a transparency on top of me and then traced the dots and connected them. They took a picture of it for my file and I was done.  They said I could see the doctor if I had any other questions. I was kind of annoyed by his attitude today so I declined. It all is so technical and complicated, I don't even know where to start with questions! I just am trusting that they know what they are doing and that this is going to help the cancer not to come back.

I do get to wash the marked dots off of me, which is good. There is a small round sticker with a vertical line on it that I am not supposed to remove. It helps them to line me up on the machine each day. They've replaced it once so far.

After radiation, I went to the gym. It was fantastic today.  I did 35 minutes on the elliptical, back up to pre-surgery levels.  Yeah! Then I decided to do 30 minutes of intervals on the treadmill.  A very good friend suggested that a 10 minute mile was a "reasonable" speed.  I had been doing about 11 1/2 minute miles for the 5k. So I decided to do my speed intervals at a 10 minute/mile pace. On the treadmills at the gym, that works out to 6.0 speed. It seemed fast at first, but I was able to do it without my heart rate getting past 90%. I was very glad to see on the slower intervals that my heart rate went back down to about 60%. I have a tendency to not dip back down when I'm doing intervals that are too hard. So this was good news. Maybe I'm getting in better shape.  I would love to do the 5k in 30 minutes or less....so that is going to take some training on my part.

I have a Jillian iPhone app that I experimented with after the cardio session. You can pick a body part and see short videos of Jillian demonstrating exercises and telling you how many to do for each. I chose legs. There were 3 moves: a plie squat in second position where you would rise on your toes at the top; a "curtsey" squat; and a side lunge where you would raise the leg up each time. Okay.  But she wanted me to do 5 sets of each!! Yikes! Not after all the cardio I had done. I did 2 sets and know I'll be feeling it tomorrow!  I just dig all things Jillian!

The workout was great and made me feel really strong.

My prayer requests:

• That I continue tolerating radiation well.  That my skin does not burn to the point that it is too uncomfortable or itchy. So far, it hasn't been bothering me too much, even though it is red and chafed looking. My energy levels remain normal. Many have told me that they got very tired towards the end of their radiation. I hope I can carry on at this current level of activity. 
• That my lymphedema continue to be manageable.  I had physical therapy yesterday and was happy to see that most of my measurements were within the same range as before. There was some slight swelling at the 10 c.m. mark, but it wasn't too bad. It probably had gone down after she did the manual drainage session with me. I'm wearing bandages about 12 hours a day. 
• That I am cancer free.  Someone asked me today if I was. I just don't know.  Maybe the surgery got it all in July?  Maybe the chemo got the rest of it? Maybe we are nuking the stragglers into oblivion?  I just don't know.  I like to think that this radiation is kind of preventative...to help keep it from coming back.  But we just don't know.  I'll blog more later about where to go from here.  But for now, please pray that I am cancer free. 

The machine

I've been at a loss for words in describing the radiation machine. I googled some images and found this that is pretty much like what I see every day.

The machine rotates around so it can zap you from several angles.  I get to have the wedgie under my knees, but I also have to have my hands up over my head, holding onto a bar.  Oh, and I don't get to wear my shirt, either. ;-)