Rad Grad

Need I say more?

Praise God!

Tiny bubble

I was in bad need of a new Mepilex pad yesterday. The first one just wouldn't stay on after 5 days, so I just went without for about 12 hours. Yikes. I definitely missed it. When I went into my radiation appointment yesterday, I looked for the nurse but didn't see her. When I was done with my treatment, I asked the technician if it would be possible to get another pad. I didn't say it outright, but I was more than willing to pay for it if need be-whether Kaiser covers it or not didn't matter.  By then we had walked over to their "control center" that is in the next room. (The techs all stay outside of the radiation area and monitor patients on a screen while they are actually zapping them. It's dangerous, after all!)  The tech looked a little lost and said, "Well, the nurse isn't here, and I'm not sure where they are."  I pointed over to a set of drawers and said, "Well, she pulled it out of that drawer over there."  Bingo! They were more than happy to open the drawer and let me pick out what I needed. Nice!  It was instant relief. It really makes it bearable.

My skin is definitely upset about all of this radiation. I have a red arc from my collarbone, down to my rib cage that goes underneath my arm and a little onto my back. The worst patch is the underarm area where the lymph node bed was. Yesterday after my shower, I noticed a small blister forming. Lovely. I have a feeling that I have more of that in store for me.

My disappearing aloe

Today my treatment was shorter. I have gotten used to the gyrations of the machine. It moves position about 4 times and zaps from different angles. Today, it only moved twice. I was zoning out a little, waiting for it to move a third time when I felt the table I was on moving. It was time to go. Really? That was short! The tech told me that tomorrow will be another session like today, and then we will be moving on to the scar area for the last 5 sessions. Praise God! I am pretty sure that when the scar is being treated, it will leave out the underarm area. I don't think it could take much more. My poor aloe plant is running out of leaves!

My lymphedema continues to be under control. That is another praise report, because we are really hammering that quadrant of my body that is impaired lymphatically.  But I'll be honest...wrapping my arm in bandages every night is getting pretty old. I'm not sure how much I'll have to do when radiation is over. I'll talk to my physical therapist about that this week when I'm there for my appointment.

I have something else that came up this week that is very exciting, but it deserves a post of its very own and I'm short on time today. The first half of my week is so busy with kids' activities, school, and just taking care of the family.  I will definitely appreciate having the "extra" time every day once radiation has ended.

Only 6 more to go!

Asked and answered

I asked the radiation oncology nurse this morning about leaving the Mepilex pad off at night and putting Aquafor on my burns.  Her answer was a swift and decisive "NO."  Hmmm.  I'd better not mention that I did exactly that last night! She said that the pad has everything needed for the skin underneath. It's even better than Aquafor. Hopefully I didn't hurt anything too much by doing that last night. I hope the one pad I have lasts the weekend.  Working out every day is kind of taking its toll on the poor thing. At this point, I really appreciate the protection from chafing.

Today was my sixth straight day of radiation. I had to go in last Sunday to make up for last Friday when their machine (which I now know is a linear accelerator) was down.  I'm very glad to have the next two days off to give my skin and body a break from the treatment.  I'm not in too much discomfort. It's probably a good thing that I have nerve damage from the surgery and have a large portion of my chest and underarm area that is numb. Burns hurt like the devil, and with what it looks like, I should be in a lot of pain. At least one would think. The lack of sensation is probably a good thing for me right now.

The red patch is turning a dark purple.

I was reflecting on the toll that cancer treatment takes on the body. It's like using a nuclear bomb to take out a single terrorist cell in a city.  It gets the bad guys and prevents them from recruiting more, but leaves the city and surrounding landscape barren, scarred, burned and weakened for a period of time. I especially feel that way as I examine my ever darkening burns each day. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for the advances that have been made in treating breast cancer. But it is strange to watch your body go through so many adverse physical changes and all you can do is stand by and watch it happen. Maybe that is another reason why I enjoy exercising. At least I can have some influence over my body when I work out. By the way, I am very sore in the legs from the workout yesterday!

But I digress. Thinking about modern cancer treatment reminds me of scenes from the old original Star Trek series. (Yes, I've been known to enjoy Star Trek in all of its various forms.) Dr. McCoy often talked with disgust about the "primitive" medical methods of the 20th century. How they would cut someone open to heal an organ, and so on.  I wonder what he would say about chemotherapy and radiation?

Making plans and connecting dots...

I'm in a new phase of my radiation therapy. No longer do they put the pad on my chest to bring the dose closer to the skin. The positions of the machine seemed to be the same to me, but they could have made some adjustments.  Not having the pad should help my skin out, or so they say.  The radiation will go in a little deeper, I suppose.

Today they told me after the treatment they were going to "plan the scar." So I was just supposed to continue lying there while they did it. Whatever--I'm going along for the ride.  Apparently, at the end of radiation, they will spend some time giving my left scar some extra attention with the radiation beams.

Today, after the typical treatment, the techs began to slide in extra plates on the machine above me. It felt like being a bug under glass in a NASA experiment at the international space station. The extra plates made the machine come down to almost my chest. It is really hard to describe what it looked like. I found this picture on the internet that comes close. (That's not me!)  Then I got to wait for my actual doctor to come in. Thankfully, the techs were sensitive enough to take the robe I was laying on and drape it over me so I wasn't exposed like a piece of meat on the table.

I rarely actually see the doctor. Today I passed him in the small hallway as I was arriving and gave him a smile and nod. He just passed by without even noticing that I was there. I was a little miffed by that. Hello!! After a few minutes of lying there, he came in and began to draw dots around my scar. It went all around the scar and he mentioned that he would include my drain scars as well. Then he left. All he said to me was, "How are you today?"  Not like he even listened to the answer.  I could have done the Charlie Brown "waa waa waa waa" and it wouldn't have made a difference.  Maybe he was just having a bad day. I actually liked him the first time I saw him. So I'll give him the benefit of the doubt today and be merciful in my judgment.

After the doctor left, the techs then laid a transparency on top of me and then traced the dots and connected them. They took a picture of it for my file and I was done.  They said I could see the doctor if I had any other questions. I was kind of annoyed by his attitude today so I declined. It all is so technical and complicated, I don't even know where to start with questions! I just am trusting that they know what they are doing and that this is going to help the cancer not to come back.

I do get to wash the marked dots off of me, which is good. There is a small round sticker with a vertical line on it that I am not supposed to remove. It helps them to line me up on the machine each day. They've replaced it once so far.

After radiation, I went to the gym. It was fantastic today.  I did 35 minutes on the elliptical, back up to pre-surgery levels.  Yeah! Then I decided to do 30 minutes of intervals on the treadmill.  A very good friend suggested that a 10 minute mile was a "reasonable" speed.  I had been doing about 11 1/2 minute miles for the 5k. So I decided to do my speed intervals at a 10 minute/mile pace. On the treadmills at the gym, that works out to 6.0 speed. It seemed fast at first, but I was able to do it without my heart rate getting past 90%. I was very glad to see on the slower intervals that my heart rate went back down to about 60%. I have a tendency to not dip back down when I'm doing intervals that are too hard. So this was good news. Maybe I'm getting in better shape.  I would love to do the 5k in 30 minutes or less....so that is going to take some training on my part.

I have a Jillian iPhone app that I experimented with after the cardio session. You can pick a body part and see short videos of Jillian demonstrating exercises and telling you how many to do for each. I chose legs. There were 3 moves: a plie squat in second position where you would rise on your toes at the top; a "curtsey" squat; and a side lunge where you would raise the leg up each time. Okay.  But she wanted me to do 5 sets of each!! Yikes! Not after all the cardio I had done. I did 2 sets and know I'll be feeling it tomorrow!  I just dig all things Jillian!

The workout was great and made me feel really strong.

My prayer requests:

• That I continue tolerating radiation well.  That my skin does not burn to the point that it is too uncomfortable or itchy. So far, it hasn't been bothering me too much, even though it is red and chafed looking. My energy levels remain normal. Many have told me that they got very tired towards the end of their radiation. I hope I can carry on at this current level of activity. 
• That my lymphedema continue to be manageable.  I had physical therapy yesterday and was happy to see that most of my measurements were within the same range as before. There was some slight swelling at the 10 c.m. mark, but it wasn't too bad. It probably had gone down after she did the manual drainage session with me. I'm wearing bandages about 12 hours a day. 
• That I am cancer free.  Someone asked me today if I was. I just don't know.  Maybe the surgery got it all in July?  Maybe the chemo got the rest of it? Maybe we are nuking the stragglers into oblivion?  I just don't know.  I like to think that this radiation is kind of preventative...to help keep it from coming back.  But we just don't know.  I'll blog more later about where to go from here.  But for now, please pray that I am cancer free. 

Just about half way

I got a surprise this morning at the radiation office.  A referral for another set of blood work. Lucky me! He said they needed to get my blood counts now that we are about half way through my radiation treatment. I need to get them as soon as possible. It's a busy few days right now, I don't think I'll have time to get it done until Thursday.

Half way?  Already?  Today was treatment number 16 out of 33.  It is going by pretty quickly.   Traveling every day to Escondido to get zapped definitely adds another component to an already busy schedule.  But as they say, time flies when you are having fun. Right?

I'm doing pretty well, considering. The aloe seems to be helping. I'm not having too much discomfort or burning feeling yet. There is increased redness in the area, but it isn't too bad.  My arm swelling seems to be under control as well, even with my "day off" on Sunday. I continue to bandage at night and wear the sleeve during the day. I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow morning and we will measure to see how I'm doing. I also continue to exercise about 6 days a week.  Not only does it keep me sane, it helps me stay strong to fight this fight.

I also am taking some natural supplements that were recommended in an article on natural remedies for lymphedema that a friend, (Tamara from Natural Health Solutions), sent me. I'm taking bromelain, horse-chestnut extract, and rutin twice a day.  

Where bromelain comes from

Buckwheat contains a bioflavonoid called rutin

Horse chestnut

One thing that I am sure is continuing to help me is your prayers. I am so blessed by you all.  Today at Bible study, two different women told me how inspirational I was.  I do hope I can help others as I go through this, but I take absolutely no credit in that. It all is the work of God in my life. I am weak, He is strong. If it wasn't for His grace and faithfulness, I would be a quivering heap of fear and despair. I am so thankful that God has not forgotten me.  That He hears me when I call on Him, even if I haven't been faithful in my devotions and prayers. Any inspiration that I may give I want to give credit to the One who has given me the strength to wake up each morning and fight this fight. I pray that everyone would grow closer in their relationship with Jesus as they see Him help me along this road.

Reality check

I forgot to mention yesterday that I'm trying something new for the burning...aloe.  Internally and externally.

A friend from church who is a breast cancer survivor recommended a juice called "Aloe Gold."  You drink it 1-3 times a day in 2 ounce shots.  It is pretty nasty at first, but I've gotten used to it.  I also bought a couple of aloe plants.  Each day I take a couple inches of aloe leaf in a baggie with me to the radiation office. In the changing room, I split it open with my fingernail and rub it on my ever pinker skin.  I like using the real thing, not some frangranced lotion formula.  The only drawback is that it smells like body odor. Really! It took me a couple days to realize that it wasn't ME that was stinking, but it was the aloe!  (Yes, I shower, but I've been hesitant about deodorant since my diagnosis. Besides, I'm not supposed to use any on the left side anyway.)

I thought I had successfully avoided the radiation doctors' scale this week. But today, they had me step on it. If readers recall, they had me step on it the first Monday after New Years at my first appointment. I was shocked at what it said, even though I knew that I should only pay attention to MY scale, weighing in at the same time each week and all of that. But it did spur me into counting calories and increasing the exercise time.  Today I had dropped 6 pounds according to their scale. I was pretty stoked at that and made a comment about how it was "moving in the right direction."  As I was in the changing room, the tech commented that I shouldn't be "dieting" during treatment.  He said that the treatment calculations were based on me being a particular weight and if I lost too much, the radiation treatment wouldn't be right.  I asked him if I had gone too low. He did a few clicks on his computer that had my record up. He said I had lost 3% of my body weight and that 10% was the limit. But really, he would prefer me not to lose any more at all.  He joked that I could use it as an excuse to go to In and Out Burger every day.

Well, I'm not going to do that! I figure gaining weight would be just as bad as losing too much.  So I'll focus on maintenance rather than losing. Besides, I figure the 6 pounds just reflected weight I put on over the holidays...after the radiation mapping in mid-December.

Daria

So after all that angst over my weight, I came home and decided to catch up on the blogs that I follow.  I was sad to learn that the author of one blog I follow, Daria's "Living With Cancer" had taken a turn for the worse today. She has metastatic breast cancer and had been on a clinical trial after exhausting all of her chemotherapy options. She has been having a lot of problems lately and was very close to being taken out of the trial. Today, her husband came onto the blog to post that she is unable to post to her blog anymore. She is in the hospital in a lot of pain. It doesn't look good.

Hearing the news made all of my issues seem so silly and unimportant. So what if I've gained or lost a few pounds? I'll be honest, it has been hard for me to follow Daria's blog. Early on in my journey, before I knew the extent of my own cancer, I read some bulletin boards where some women with metastatic cancer had posted. It was just way too close to home, and it scared me to death. It still does. That night back in June was one of my darkest. That could be me.  It still could. But even though its hard, I have followed Daria for the past several months. So to find out her condition really is a reality check. Breast cancer can, and does, kill.  I am so sad for Daria and pray for her comfort and peace. I am sad for everyone with advanced cancer. It just stinks. I yearn for the time when there is no disease, no tears, and no death.

Please take some time to pray for Daria and her husband, Don.

Status report

This week has been a busy one!  Not a whole lot has happened on the fighting front, so I've been a bit quiet.

I continue to go in each day for radiation treatment.  It is starting to show on my skin.  It is the middle of week 3, just like the radiation oncologist said.  There is some telltale redness under my arm. It feels a little uncomfortable when I am driving to have the seat belt over my chest. I have a little fluffy thing to protect me, but I still feel like its chafing a bit.  I have to be careful doing my manual lymph drainage as well.  An important part of it is showing the body an alternate pathway to drain. In my case, I am trying to train the fluid to drain down my left side and into my groin. The involves rubbing the left side from under my armpit and down to my hip. The area under my arm that is being treated, including the mastectomy scar, is tender. I plan on asking my physical therapist if we should try to move the fluid across the midline to the right armpit.  This burning is only going to get worse.

To manage the lymphedema, I've been wearing the bandages on my arm for longer in the mornings and early afternoon. I even wore them all day on Tuesday. I took the day off of exercise, so I figured I might as well work on the arm.  I hate to exercise in the big arm bandage.  I don't mind the compression sleeve/gauntlet.  Tomorrow I go into my physical therapist and we will measure the hand and arm. Hopefully I've been able to keep the swelling down and maybe even helped the one area in my forearm that measured bigger last week.

Aside from treatment and cancer, I am very glad that the women's bible study started up again this week at church.  We are going to be going through Kay Smith's book and journal, "Reflecting God."  It is so nice to have a regimented program of study to go through each week.  I am sticking with my resolution of going through the Bible, but it is nice to have something topical to keep me going as well. Last year, we did another Kay Smith book, "Pleasing God" and this should be a good sequel.

The fellowship that we share with each other on Tuesday's is so precious.  This week, one woman pulled me aside and shared with me that God had a word for her about me.  I believe this particular woman has the gift of prophecy, because she has shared things with the group on several previous occasions. Anyway, the Lord told her that I would not only speak to many women, but the scale that I would be speaking to them would be enormous. More than she could imagine, she said.  It made me recall something that another sister told me last summer after I was first diagnosed.  That my mission now was to speak. Interesting and exciting! I know there is a reason that I am going through this trial.  I pray that it is not only for my own growth, but that in some way I can minister to others. I don't know what God has in store for me yet, but want to yield myself to whatever it is that He has in His plans.

My prayer requests:

• That the burning of my skin be manageable.  I know it needs to happen.  I just want to be able to do my normal activities without too much discomfort.
• Along the same lines, that I do not get too tired. Fatigue is a common side effect of radiation. I have resolved in my mind not to give in to that. I want to continue with my exercise program and daily life. Of course, if my body needs rest, I will give it rest. I just pray I can get through this without extra fatigue. 
• That my lymphedema stays under control. I'm willing to do what I know how to do to keep it there. But I know there is a large part of it that I can't control and I need God's help on.
• For my friend, N, who was recently diagnosed with uterine cancer. She is in that very scary place of not knowing exactly how "bad" it is yet. She knows a hysterectomy is in her very immediate future, but doesn't know if the disease has spread.  Is it just me, or does there seem to be a cancer storm going on right now? So many people I know and know of that are in the process of either being diagnosed or tested for some form of cancer.  

The machine

I've been at a loss for words in describing the radiation machine. I googled some images and found this that is pretty much like what I see every day.

The machine rotates around so it can zap you from several angles.  I get to have the wedgie under my knees, but I also have to have my hands up over my head, holding onto a bar.  Oh, and I don't get to wear my shirt, either. ;-)

Week two in the can

I'm nearly 1/3 of the way done with radiation now.  Not quite, but almost. Today was my ninth treatment out of 33. Now I get 2 days off.  No Martin Luther King holiday for me.  That is just as well.  I want to get this finished, and a day off will just prolong the finish line.

So far, I'm doing pretty good. Compared to chemo, well, there really is no comparison. I'm still recovering from the physical effects of chemo, most notably in my finger and toe nails. They are still discolored and prone to lifting.  I've started wearing polish on my nails to cover it up. That makes me feel better about them, and they look nice too.  As for the radiation, I have not had any abnormal fatigue.  My skin has not yet shown signs of burning. I'm not expecting that to remain, however. The radiation oncologist said it usually shows up suddenly during week three. Lovely. Something to look forward to.  I'm doing what I can to keep my skin healthy now. As I'm in the dressing room right after treatment, I use an aloe based lotion. I don't need to warm the lotion in my hand before I put it on to avoid the cold shock...I'm numb in that area from the surgery! What a time saver! Later in the day, I apply a calendula lotion. I love this one, because its the same lotion (Weleda) that I used on my babies.  The smell takes me back to those early days when they were just days old and I would use the cream to do infant massage on them.  At night, I slather on the Aquafor right before bed.  I'm hopeful that this will help keep the burns manageable. 

The radiation office is a busy place.  I generally see the same patients there every day.  We don't talk to each other. At most, we give each other a sympathetic nod. I've taken to trying to guess what kind of cancer they might have. I'm the only bald one that I've seen so far.  At my appointment time, all the other patients are men.  When they come out of the radiation room fully clothed, I figure maybe a throat type of cancer. I have no idea what types of cancers are treatable with radiation. But it is something to pass the time.  Yesterday I was there early and the guy in front of me was in a dressing gown without his pants on. Yikes.  That can't be good. I heard him laughing with the techs as he went in, which was nice to hear.  Cancer sucks, so its good to try and laugh where and when you can. 

More problematic is my lymphedema. I went into the physical therapists yesterday and there was an increase of .5 cm on my lower arm (5 and 10 cms from my wrist).  The other spots we measure were all within the margin of "error" of my baseline measurements taken before radiation started.   My PT suggested I wear the bandages for a bit longer each day to address the swelling.  To the naked eye, you can't really tell when I hold up my arms.  But the measurements do not lie, and she re-checked them twice.  We don't want to let them creep up each week and then at the end of radiation have 2 centimeters to deal with. 

What a bandaged arm (not mine) looks like

I continue to get in two good sessions of manual drainage each day.  In total, this takes at least 45 minutes, sometimes 60 or more if I really work on it.  Last night, I bandaged and used some foam on my lower arm. I also kept the bandages on until about 9:30 a.m. today.  Usually I take it off when I get up at 6 a.m.  I'll experiment with wearing it longer this next week and we'll see what kind of effect it has on next week's measurements.  I don't mind wearing the bandages at night-I'm sleeping anyway. But they are bulky and a pain during the day when I need to get things done. My hand and fingers are wrapped (unlike this photo, where the fingers are not wrapped). I'm not supposed to get the bandages wet.  How do you cook and clean up after 5 people that way?  It's not very easy.  If I have to go that far, I will.  During the times I'm not in bandages, I wear compression garments. This is an area where prayer is needed.  Radiation really does a number on your lymph nodes, even if they are healthy.  To already have an impaired system that is struggling to keep up makes it all the more difficult. I am very thankful that my PT has taught me techniques to manage it.  I feel like I am able to control it as best I can.  Of course, the other thing I've learned throughout this cancer journey is that I have absolutely NO control.  

I'm very thankful to my mom for everything she has done for me throughout this time.  Well, for the last 41 years too! Since my diagnosis, she has been amazing. During this radiation phase, she takes time each day to meet Jean-Marc and I at the radiation office and she hangs out with him while I'm in getting treatment. They sit in the van and read books together. Today I came out and they were reading a story about the Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. Jean-Marc looks forward to this time each morning as we leave the house. I don't know how I would be able to manage this without her help and support. All of you who know my mom know exactly what a gem she is.  Love you, mom!

Hiccups? That's Life!

Today was my 6th day of radiation treatment.  I'm getting used to the routine, and the techs at the radiation office. There is one guy who works there and always calls me "Mrs. Jamois." Today I finally asked him to call me "Tonya."  It's weird being that formal when he has pretty much seen everything there is to see above the waist. Besides, "Mrs. Jamois" is my mother in law!

As the radiation got started, a worship song popped into my head. I couldn't remember all the lyrics, so I kept repeating this in my head as a prayer: "Thou o Lord, art a shield about me; You're my glory; You're the lifter of my head."

As I said, I'm getting used to it all.  They position the machine above me, and it does its radiating for about 30-40 seconds.  Then it moves over to my left side and does it again.  This time after it moved, it didn't start again. After a few more seconds, the guy comes in and tells me to continue laying still...the computer just had a "hiccup" and was coming back.

A hiccup?  Okay.  As long as the computer and the machines it presumably runs know where and what they are supposed to be doing after it comes back.

So I just laid there for a few minutes.  It is very important not to move--if you move, then you might get "treated" on skin/organs/tissues that shouldn't be radiated at all.  Like the heart.  I'm good at laying still, even when I feel an itch.  I wonder what would happen if I had a hiccup? Or even worse, a sneeze? Hopefully we won't find out.

There is an iPod dock in the room and I decided to focus on what was playing instead of the position of my body.  It was Michael Buble's "That's Life."  I'm more familiar with the Frank Sinatra version, but Buble is good too.  It kind of made me laugh to think of that song being on at that particular moment.  Yes, I certainly am living life, aren't I?  Isn't that what you say to a person who is complaining about what a rotten situation they are in?  Suck it up, THAT'S LIFE!  Indeed it is.  It rains on the just and the unjust. (Matthew 5:45).

A few minutes went by and the guy came back in and said they were ready to continue with my treatment. As I left the building, they seemed to be having all kinds of computer issues. The nurse at her station was asking everyone else if "they were down?"  and if they should "call I.T."  Gosh, I sure hope those computer issues don't affect the actual radiation.  It doesn't exactly instill confidence.  It is a good thing I have supreme confidence in God, though.  I continue to visualize His protection all around me, shielding me.  I've prayed this on my own, and with others.  I know God will protect me thorough this, regardless of their computer issues.

Later on at the gym, I listened to the lyrics of "That's Life" more carefully.  It basically talks about life being a series of ups and downs.  That certainly has been true of my life since my diagnosis.  Extreme downs, and pretty good ups. I don't know if I know what an "extreme" up is anymore.  I am trying to learn to focus on the present and enjoy it but it is hard when everything is geared toward treatment and preventing a recurrence of cancer.

My workout today was a good one. I decided to try something new--to time my 5k on the treadmill.  Up until now, I've only run intervals, 2 minutes walking, 2 minutes running.  I figured I may indeed walk part of the 5k, but let's see what I can do.  I was able to run the whole thing! Granted, it took me awhile (38 minutes and change).  But I ran the distance and now have something to improve upon.  I realized as I was running that working out is part of my treatment.  It's my therapy.  On good days (like today), it is as close to the highest high I can get right now. It is as important to me as going in to get nuked every day. That puts a new spin on it. If I ever was tempted to skip a day, that puts it into perspective.  I am following the lesson from last week though, and will take the day off tomorrow as a "rest day" after 4 straight days of exercise.

My prayer requests:

• That the radiation be effective in treating any remaining cancer cells in my body as well as effective in preventing a recurrence of the cancer. That it be accurate and not injure any other organs.
• That my skin not burn and be too uncomfortable as the radiation progresses. 
• That our family stay healthy. Isabelle has a slight cold right now, and I am praying that the rest of us don't get it. 

For those of you unfamiliar with the lyrics of "That's Life" here they are:

That's life
That's what all the people say
You're riding high in April
You're shot down in May
I know I'm gonna change that tune
When I'm back on top in June

I say that's life
& as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks
Stompin' on your dreams
But I don't let it, let it get me down
'Cause this fine ol' world keeps spinning 'round

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn & a king
I've been up & down & over & out
But I know one thing
Each time I find myself, flat on this face
I pick myself up & get back in the race

That's life
I can't deny it
I thought of quitting, baby
This heart wasn't gonna buy it
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try
I'd jump right on a big bird & then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn & a king
I've been up & down & over & out
And I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up & get back in the race

That's life
That's life & I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll
I'm gonna roll
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball & die
Can't deny it
That's life

Michael Buble - That's Life Lyrics @ LyricsTime.com

Going in the right directions

It is a good day.  I'm moving forward in radiation therapy, downward in weight (slightly, but I'll take it), and downward in my arm/hand measurements. I feel like doing Jean-Marc's happy dance! If you don't know what that looks like, check out this video:

First of all, I finished the first week of radiation.  Sure, I was only nuked 4 of the 5 days.  But I had to drive to the medical office all 5 days.  A big part of this so far has been getting into this daily routine.  Juggling getting the kids to school on time, carpools, Jean-Marc's Wednesday "Moove & Groove" class, and my self-imposed exercise regimen makes it a little complicated.  As far as the radiation itself is concerned, there are  no problems to report.  I understand it will take a few weeks for my skin to react. Or not. Maybe it won't?  We can certainly pray for that, anyway!

I also was pleased at my own personal weigh-in this morning. I was down 2 pounds from last week.  I wasn't going to start counting calories until after radiation treatment, but decided it wouldn't hurt to be a little more mindful about what I'm putting in my mouth now.  Especially after weighing in at the doc's office on Monday.  Not that I really "count" that one-I think of the Friday number at home on my scale is "the" number.  Anyway, it was down 2 pounds and I'll take it. Aside from just feeling better and meeting a goal I set for myself, I've learned that reaching and maintaining an ideal weight is important in my lifetime battle with lymphedema.  "Battle" may be the wrong word, because there is no "winning" with lymphedema.  It is something that you learn to live with.  In any event, excess body fat impairs the flow of lymph fluid thorough the tissues and into the lymph vessels.  It is another motivator to drop another 10-15 as soon as I can.  

Finally, I had a pleasant surprise at my now-weekly physical therapy appointment this morning.  The measurements of my hand and arm looked good.  I did not swell anywhere! Praise God! My hand and wrist saw significant improvement--almost back to where I started from before the flare ups before Christmas.  My upper arm did not improve, but it didn't get bigger, either.  I had not been that careful about bandaging on my upper arm so it wasn't a surprise.  The bottom line is that it looks like my "program" of lymphedema self-care seems to be working.  I just need to keep an eye on my arm/hand to see if I start swelling as radiation progresses and adjust accordingly.  If can get through this only bandaging at night, I will be very happy.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. I appreciate them very much.  Keep them coming!

A bucket of lead

I went to the gym today with my mom after radiation (day 3).

We started on the Stair Master for 30 minutes.  I set the level to 8 on an interval training program. 8 used to be a warm up level for me. I'm getting stronger, so I thought it was a good level to start at.  During the first 10 minutes, it was really hard.  But I figured, I was "hitting the wall" as I like to say.  You just have to push past that initial feeling of fatigue and exertion and then there is no stopping you.  Well, this wall was impenetrable today. I never did get over it.  I am glad to say that I sucked it up and stuck it out at level 8, but man, it was really hard.

Then we moved onto the treadmill.  I again set it for 30 minutes at an interval program. I usually run while its on the flat interval, and then walk on the incline.  My heart rate was not quite recovered from the Stair Master, so I walked the first few intervals until it came down to the high 130's.  Then I ran whenever my heart rate was getting back down there.  But still, it kicked my butt.  I felt like my body was a bucket of lead!  I sucked it all up and at the end of the workout had burned about 530 calories, but man, did I pay for each and every one.

Now to figure the reason.  I've been sleeping very well the past couple of nights, so I'm rested.  It couldn't be fatigue from radiation already, could it??  I sure hope not.  I'm going to give my body a break tomorrow and take the day off from working out.  Besides, I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow anyway. I'm thinking that should do the trick.  I probably haven't been giving myself enough "rest" days.

We'll see on Saturday.  Otherwise, it will be a long 6 weeks.

Getting into the groove

Well, I've got 2 days of radiation under my belt.  Only 31 more.


I took this picture today-the door to the treatment room. It's plastered with "caution" signs so no one goes in there and gets exposed to the harmful rays.   Except the patients.  We go in there naked on purpose.

The experience itself is bizarre.  It doesn't hurt.  But it is freaky to lay there and hear the long high pitched "buzzzzz" sound and know that you are being hit with radiation.  It would be really easy to panic and freak out.  Yesterday, for my first session, I just repeated variations of  Joshua 1:9 in my head:  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or dismayed, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  I personalized it and said to God, "I know that you are with me and you are protecting me.  Holding me in the palm of Your Hand.  I am wrapped in the shelter of Your mighty wings."  That was pretty much all I thought about.  I visualized His strength encircling me.  Protecting me, yet allowing the radiation beams that needed to get into me though.

The treatment goes pretty fast. I lay down on the slab, arms up over my head holding onto the handlebars. They position and line me up. They also put a fabric pad on my chest.  They tell me that is so the radiation is really focused on the skin.  The doctor today told me that they want to make sure the skin gets treated because that is one of the organs that the cancer may come back to.  After they put the pad on me, the ladies leave and the machine starts to buzz.  It goes for several seconds in one position, the buzzing stops, the machine rotates around to another position and the buzz begins again.  For the past two days, they have taken an X-ray as well.   It all takes about 10 minutes total.

I'll meet with the doctor once a week. It looks like Wednesday is the day. My oncologist is out of town, so I met a different one.  She just asked if I had any questions.  I asked her when I would start seeing skin changes. She said it would take about 3 weeks and then it would hit pretty fast. She said skin care right now was "optional."  I figure I'll start now and then my skin will be in good condition as we go.  I'm also drinking a lot of water, and that has to be good as well.

My lymphedema is under control as well.  As I was doing my manual drainage last night, I could feel the lymph fluid moving. It is a kind of tingling sensation.  I could once again see some of the tendons in my left hand. I wrapped my arm completely last night, albeit loosely.  I want to be proactive on this.  I'm wearing the compression garments during the radiation treatments and most of the day.  I take it off in the late afternoon/early evening so I can cook dinner and clean up without worrying about getting them wet.  It's also good for the skin to get some air.

My prayer requests are pretty much the same:

• That the radiation be effective and ACCURATE.  That no organs are harmed in the process.
• That my lymphedema stay under control. 
• That I remain strong. I keep hearing how radiation makes a person exhausted. I'd like to be able to continue with my daily activities. I do a lot of running around with the kids.  Also, exercise is important to me, especially now that I know it also helps control the lymphedema. Not to mention my weight, which could easily pack on now that I am on tamoxifen. 

Ready, set...go...tomorrow

Back to business Monday.  The kids were a little sad to see their Christmas vacation end.  I was too.  I'm in the middle of taking down all those Christmas decorations that we so joyfully put up.  I'm reminding myself and the kids that we'll be hauling it all out again in about 11 months.  I told Isabelle that we'd put up some springtime decorations in a few months.

I started my new routine this morning.  Drop Isabelle off at school when they open the gates at 8:15, then head over to Escondido to the radiation oncologists office. Mom meets me in the parking lot and hangs out with Jean-Marc while I go in for my daily dose of radiation.

Today was just a test.  Tomorrow will be the real thing. They told me today would be the longest session.  Even at that, I was out in 30 minutes.

First they took my weight. Ugh! Really?  Sigh.  Needless to say, I like my scale at home better.  Or maybe I wouldn't.  (I usually weigh in on Friday.)  The Monday after New Year's is a harsh time to make a girl step on a scale!  Anyway, I was assigned "cubby 11" for my robe. There is a small changing room with about 12-18 cubbies with gowns in them.  I am to strip from the waist up and put on the robe each day.  On Monday, they will swap out a clean robe.

After I was changed, I was taken into the room where they will be doing the radiation.  I climbed up onto a "bed" (slab might be a better word).  It was similar to the one we did the mapping on last month. They had me hold onto the bars above my head and I was told that my only job was to lay still.  They moved me around a bit and started to get me into position.  There was a large glass paneled machine about 6 inches above me in which I could see the reflection of my body.  I could see intersecting red lines projected onto my skin.  I think they were lining these up with the tattoos they gave me last month.  There were several technicians involved, all women.  Not that it would matter.  After 3 births, a miscarriage, breast cancer you lose all sense of modesty, especially up on top.  They took several measurements to get everything "just right."  Then they took a few X-Rays.

I was told to keep lying still.  The doctor was looking at the films.  Then they came back, made some adjustments and took more X-rays.  Then I was to wait.  Then they did it again.  Whatever.  I'd rather they take their time to get it exactly right than to zap me in the wrong place.  I know a small piece of my left lung is going to be in the way, but they need to avoid my heart.  So do what you have to do, gals.

The ceiling reminded me of the tile floor in our old house on Poppy.  Large neutral squares with black diamond tiles in every other corner.  I wonder if they would mind if I snapped a picture of the ceiling?

When it was all over and I was dressed again, a nurse talked to me about skin care.  I'm not supposed to wear deodorant on my left side. No problem. When I do worry about that, I've been using a crystal stick.  I'm supposed to moisturize the upper left quadrant of my body from the collarbone down to the rib, from the centerline to underneath my arm at least 3-4 times a day.  The doctor had mentioned calendula cream. This nurse also mentioned aloe vera and they gave me some samples of cream that is very much like petroleum jelly.  The only thing is that I'm not supposed to use anything on the area 3-4 hours before treatment.

So I'm ready to go.  My hand and arm are looking very good.  A little puffy on the fingers and hand, but not bad.  Last night, I just bandaged my hand.  It actually feels good to be bandaged on my hand.  I can do my fingers and hand myself. I don't know if its the feeling of the fluid being pushed out, or if its just mental knowing that I'm doing something proactive about it.  I've started reading this book called "Voices of Lymphedema."  I'm learning a lot from other people who have lived with this disease, some of them for their entire lives. At least now, there is recognition about the problem.  I am grateful that Kaiser referred me to physical therapy right after surgery.  Others have had to fight for referrals with doctors who didn't even know what lymphedema was. The books are encouraging, though.  The people in there do not let the disease take over their lives.  They learn to accommodate it and treat it on their own, but they still are able to participate in their hobbies and travel. I hope to be the same.

All that and a bag of chips

Snap!

Today we are trying a new treatment option for my lymphedema:  a "chip bag."

My physical therapist (PT)  measured my hand and arm at 5 centimeter intervals. The hand is looking better, although not measuring smaller.  There isn't any significant increased swelling in the arm, but there is some on the pinky side of my lower arm.  My upper arm actually went down a bit.  When we compared my measurements over the past couple months, the numbers were going up and down.  Definitely not stabilized. The chemo may have something to do with that.  I was glad to see that my Christmas hand flare-up has subsided.

When we went to wrap in bandages, my PT decided to make a couple of these "chip bags."  It is basically small pieces of cut up foam that we put into mesh fabric (the same fabric that is my base protective layer).  Then we wrapped the bag on my lower arm.  Because my hand was doing better, we decided to just bandage it without any foam or chip bag.  It will dimple my arm a bit, but hopefully break up the fluid and help it move.

As she was bandaging, my PT confirmed the conclusion that I had come to.  That this process if one of me learning how to read the signs and determine what it is my body needs to be treated with, and then be able to do it myself.  It is important to change it up, she said.  Lymphedema can adapt to the same wrap and methods.  So using a chip bag once in awhile, or foam another day, or if things look good, just the compression sleeve will be helpful.  She even said I could use a soft natural hair brush to use on my arm instead of my hands for the self-massage.  Just as an option to change things up a little and keep this disease on its toes. That is in addition to staying well hydrated, having extra special skin care/moisturizer, and avoiding cuts/scrapes/burns on that arm and hand.

I'm in learning mode.  I've ordered several books from Amazon about lymphedema.  My PT gave me a couple photocopies from her medical book with diagrams of the lymphatic system.  I was pleased to find out that there are some lymph nodes on the inside of the elbow.  Knowing that, I can direct the massage to that area from my hand/wrist area.  The human body has between 500-700 lymph nodes.  It's wild that just taking out 15 of them can wreak so much havoc.

It can be depressing as I realize that I have a chronic, non-curable disease.  (At least by human standards.)  That is how lymphedema is described.  It can be managed, but not cured.  Great.  I'm coming to terms with it, but still have some emotional swings.  So that is an area of prayer if anyone is wondering my prayer needs.  I need to stay positive and embrace the good things in life.  Not get bogged down in the heaviness of daily wrapping and other concerns that go along with lymphedema.

The next several weeks during radiation are going to be critical.  The radiation oncologist wants to treat my lymph node area, so there is a very good chance my arm will want to swell.  It's going to take a lot of care and babying of this arm and hand to try and manage it during this time and as my body heals from the radiation.

Mapquest

Today I went through what someone described to me as, "the most difficult part" of radiation treatment-mapping.  If that is the case, radiation should be a snap.  Although I may feel differently once my skin starts to feel the effects of the radiation burns next month.

The radiation tech (I'm not sure what his exact title is) had me lay down on this CT scanner, stripped to the waist.  I had a gown on that was open to the front.  He had me grab onto the handle bars, which put my arms above my head.   He told me he was putting marks and some wire on my chest.  I just laid there and relaxed.  I didn't sleep very well last night, so it was easy for me to zone out.

After awhile, he was ready to start the scan.  I was told to lie perfectly still.  The table started to move me into the donut hole.  Wouldn't you know it, I started to feel little itches on my nose, my ears, and other places.  Mind over matter!  The scan itself took probably about 10 minutes.  Then the table slid me out, but I wasn't able to move yet.  The tech went away and told me they were doing the calculations for my treatment. That took the most time.  It was no big deal, I just let the random thoughts go through my head.  Some of them:

• They lyrics to one of the songs we have sung in church recently: "You stay the same through the ages, Your love never changes.  There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. Your love never fails..."
• What I was going to get my dad for Christmas.  
• Am I "equal" enough in the presents for the kids?  Maybe I need to do a little more shopping for one of them?
• Bummer, I won't have time to work out today.
• I have to figure out how to make French "madeline" cakes for Isabelle to take into school tomorrow for her cultural food fair.  What did we bring 2 years ago when Olivier was in the 4th grade?
• I wish I could snooze right now.

It probably took them about 15 minutes to do all of the "micro physics" calculations.  Then the guy came back and told me it was time for the tattoos.  Yes, that's right.  I now am sporting 3 tattoos.  It did hurt a little bit, but after all of the pokes I've had over the past 6 months, it was no big deal.  They aren't really that noticeable, they are just dots.  They look like black freckles.

I need to get one more set of lab work done before the radiation starts, just so we can be sure my blood counts have come back to normal levels.  I think I'm going to give it at least a week before I go in for that.  

I'll start on January 3rd.  The first day, they will just take X-rays.  It will be a test run to make sure they have everything lined up correctly.  Better to test it before they start zapping near vital organs.  I remember the radiation oncologist saying they would "shield" my heart.  I don't want them making any mistakes!   From January 3rd, until February 17th, I'll be going in Monday through Friday at 8:45 a.m.  Each treatment should only take about 10 minutes, and I'll meet with the doctor about once a week to check on my skin condition and how things are going. 

February 17th, that's the big day.  The end of my active treatment.  I'm a bit ambivalent about how I feel about that.  I'll still be on tamoxifen for a few years, so I'm still technically "in"  treatment.  I'm happy to see the "end" of treatment, but on the other hand, am wondering how it will be to live life post-treatment.  I'm not sure what to call it.  In remission?  No evidence of disease?  I don't know. 

Tomorrow I go to see my physical therapist to treat the swelling in my left hand and arm.  Please pray that we are able to get it to go down.  I've been doing what I know to do, with no effect. 

Radiation consultation. Meet Dr. S!

I had my consultation with a radiation oncologist today. My medical team has just added a new member, Dr. S.

Since it was my first time, I went a little early in case they needed time to process me as a new patient. They had sent me a packet of questionnaires about my medical history which I had filled out last night. I ended up having to wait for about 15 minutes, but it was okay. I was able to read a recent "People" magazine. I must be getting old, because I didn't recognize many of the "famous" people inside.

I was called back by a nurse who led me into an exam room. She was busy on the computer and told me to get into an exam robe. It wasn't a big deal, but at Kaiser, they leave the room while you do that. Her back was turned to me, and I'm not really shy anymore about things. Heck, I've even considered posting pictures of my scars on the blog!

She told me I got "Dr. S" and that I was lucky. I guess she likes him. She mentioned that he does a lot of the "nasty" cancers of the head and neck. I had mixed feelings about this praise. First off, does he know what he's doing when it comes to breast cancer? In a morbid kind of way, it helped to hear that I didn't have a "nasty" cancer. I mean, it sucks, thats for sure. But at least it could be worse.

Dr. S came in and I was a bit surprised to see a young guy. He's a small and thin guy of Indian descent, which I expected when I heard his name. Not that it matters. As long as he knows what he's doing. I was impressed when he started talking because it was clear that he had reviewed my case. Unlike Dr. P, he looked me right in the eyes as he talked. He even knew things about the pathology of my lymph nodes that I was unaware of. All of it made me a good candidate for radiation in his opinion. He wants to design a treatment plan that will radiate my chest, left armpit area, and left clavicle (where there are additional lymph nodes).

The bottom line is that doing radiation now will decrease the risk of the cancer recurring. When it recurs a second time, it usually is harder to treat. The theory is to go in now with all the guns blazing and do all we can so it does not come back. My treatment should take 6 1/2 weeks and begin in January 2011.

In my case, the biggest risk factor for recurrence is my age. I have 40-50 years on average to live, and the longer you live, the more chances for cancer coming as genes divide and mutate.

He spent a long time talking about short term and long term risks of radiation treatment. I should expect my skin to get red and burned. In fact, he wants it to happen so we know we are frying any cancer cells. ("Frying" was not his word, but that was what he meant). He suggested a calendula cream to treat that. Radiation treatment also has a tendency to make people tired. Because of the beams that will be coming at me from two different directions, a portion of my left lung is going to get zapped as well. This could cause some permanent scarring. That could impact my working out a little bit. He has had patients who were athletes and cannot run the times they used to. I'm not an athlete, but I do like to run. "Jog" may be a better word for what I do. They will be able to shield my heart and prevent it from damage from the beams. It also could weaken the ribs on my left side. If I were ever in an accident, those ribs would be more likely to break than those on the right side.

As I knew, my risk for lymphedema will increase. He said before radiation, I had about a 20-25% chance of it. Radiation will increase those risks by 10%. Both he and the nurse saw I was wearing my compression sleeve and were glad I was already being proactive about it. Hopefully wearing the sleeve constantly during the course of radiation will keep the lymphedma from happening. I'm also going to visit my physical therapist a couple weeks into it.

Overall, he was very confident that radiation would benefit me and it made me feel good about the treatment as well.

He did a brief physical exam and asked me if I was going to have reconstructive surgery. I did consult with a plastic surgeon back in July before my mastectomy. He said that if I had to have radiation, expanders and implants wouldn't be an option. At this point, I'm not interested in it. (I've been mulling over a blog post on the subject). I may change my mind in the future once I've got treatment behind me. Dr. S said I didn't have enough body fat to do a TRAM or LAT flap procedure. That is where they "borrow" tissue from your belly or back to re-form a breast. I was happy to hear that I didn't have enough fat to do that. It has nothing to do with reconstruction, but having lived overweight all of my adult life until about a year ago. I couldn't help but smile to hear that my plastic surgery options were limited because I was too skinny! He mentioned a procedure called a "DIEP flap" that they do at Kaiser up in Los Angeles. I may look into that later to see what that is all about. But for now, I'm focused on having that small little light at the end of the tunnel grow brighter.

The next step is a "mapping" appointment that will take about an hour. Its a lot like having an MRI in that you lay down in a tube in the "treatment position." For me, that is with my arms above my head. I'll be doing that 2 weeks after my LAST chemo on December 3rd. Daily radiation will start at the beginning of January.

Prayer requests:

• That the timing for my radiation appointments works out. I need to go every day, Monday through Friday. I'm not sure what time of day will be best for me considering my other obligations to shuttle kids around and take care of Jean-Marc. Luckily, the radiation office is near my mom's house. I have a feeling that I will be needing her to hang out with my little sidekick for a few minutes each day. 
• Healing.  That these last days of chemo be effective. I got a little freaked out today to hear about how the cancer was in my lymph nodes.  Not that it was just there, but the way it was there and in at least one node had kind of broken out of the node itself. I tried to read my pathology report when I got home, but it took me back to June when I was freaked out about the cancer moving to other parts of my body. I just pray that this chemo disrupt any cancer that snuck out of the area.

Chemo swamp

Ugh.

Today is my "down" day from my last round of chemo.  At least, that is what this Monday has been for the last rounds. I sure hope it ends tomorrow as it did for the first four rounds.

Circumstances are easier this time around, though.  I'm exceedingly blessed to have my mom and dad nearby.  Mom came by this morning and took Jean-Marc and Isabelle.  Isabelle has a day off of school today for parent-teacher conferences.  Dad will bring Isabelle home tonight after dinner, and mom will keep Jean-Marc for another day.

It has made a huge difference to me today not to have to take care of a toddler. Of course, that is going along with a heaping dose of "mommy guilt."  What kind of person doesn't want to be around her own kid?  Especially such a cute and special one as Jean-Marc?  It's not that I don't want to be around him.  It's just that when I'm around, he is not satisfied with anyone else helping him.  It has to be me. And I just don't have it in me today.  It has been so helpful to not have to give him all of my attention.

Another blessing was the weather today.  On this day for the past two rounds it was cloudy and drizzly.  Today had clear skies and was even warm if you stood out in the sun.  I started the day with a 30 minute cardio session, just to get the blood and endorphins flowing.  After mom picked up the kids, I spent the morning reading, playing my silly "Angry Birds" game on the iPhone, and snoozing upstairs.

Eric and I did have to go out around 1 p.m. for Isabelle's conference. It was a good outing--she had a perfect report card! That is a pretty good achievement considering the drama that my illness has been for everyone.  She doesn't show it to me usually.  But others have told me things she has said to them. (At girl scout campouts, for example, she was upset about my medical situation).  The fact that she has been able to focus on her school work while all of this is going on in her life shows me that she is a warrior herself.  Olivier is doing well academically too-he's another tough cookie.

When we got home, I spent the afternoon on the couch watching movies on Netflix. It is so strange to think the next thing that I "have" to do is fix dinner, and that'll be easy without having to balance dinner preparation with toddler care.  Even at that, dinner tonight is a defrosted Dream Dinner!

Even with the leisurely "vacation" day, I will be glad when it is over. I have a touch of heartburn, my taste buds are off, and I'm a bit of an emotional wreck.  One of the shows I watched on Netflix was about Americans going over to China to adopt little baby girls who had been abandoned because of China's "One Child" policy.  I was weeping when the babies were handed over.  I'm tired too, even with all the rest.  If this round is like the others, each day after today will get better and better.

I'm also starting to think about radiation.  I made an appointment with the radiation oncologist for next week.  Dr. P said I could probably start radiation the last week of December, and I'm ready to get that ball rolling.  Bring in on, and get it over with.  But then, a little part of me is a bit scared at the prospect of being done with all my treatment.  How do you go on with life after all of this?  How do you go on without always looking over your shoulder wondering if the cancer is going to come back?

I need to keep in mind God's word that I am not to be anxious for anything. (Phillipians 4:6).  Everything is in God's hands.  I just need to live each day to glorify Him and I should be able to live "after treatment."

My prayer requests:

• That I do in fact feel better tomorrow. That my energy comes back and I am able to cope and function with the world. 
• That the chemo drugs do their job and kill cancer cells.
• That I not be afraid of recurrence. I'm not even through treatment and I'm stressing over recurrence. Its ridiculous.
• That Jean-Marc enjoy his qualify time with grandma and grandmpa and not feel like I abandoned him. 

Taking what is helpful and leaving worry behind

You would think after 4 rounds of chemo, everything would go smoothly as the medical establishment and I get ready for round 5.  Yet again today, there was a slight mixup at the lab.  Or with Dr. P.  Or maybe it was somewhere in between.  I showed up at my appointed time at the lab to have the lady checking me in say that there were no orders in the system.  I asked her to call Dr. P's office and they told her that I had to see Dr. P first.  I explained that I saw him 3 weeks ago, and the point of my appointment with him later that morning was to go over the lab results that needed to be done NOW.  Without the order, she couldn't do anything.  So I told her that I would be back, and went over to Dr. P's office.  I waited until Dr. P's nurse came out, looking for me.  She had called the order over and the lab was ready for me. Great!  I went over and found a huge line had formed at the lab. Oh man! Luckily, the original lady saw me and motioned me to come up so she could process me.  No one in the lined dared to complain....I was in a turban.  Are you really going to give the cancer patient grief in this instance?   The phlebotomist who drew my blood was really nice.  When she poked me, I flinched a little bit and she apologized.  I told her it was okay, it is what it is.  She gently said, "Yes, but it still sucks."  I appreciated her tone. She was right.  It does still suck.

I had about 45 minutes to kill before my appointment with Dr. P while they tested my blood.  I went over to the pharmacy and got my Cipro, got a 20 ounce bottle of Dasani water and guzzled it.  (The vending machine took a credit card-how cool is that?)  Then I found a corner with a big chair and dug into my latest Vince Flynn novel, "The Third Option."  It was so good that I almost missed my appointment time!

My appointment with Dr. P was uneventful.  My counts were good, so chemo is on for tomorrow.  He sent a referral over to the Radiation Medial Group in Escondido. Kaiser doesn't do the radiation (rads) themselves, they contract with this other group.  My last chemo is December 3rd, Dr. P said I could probably start rads the week after Christmas. Nice! I'd like to get in as much in this calendar year as possible so I don't have to pay out of pocket.  Our family deductible of $3,000 will be at zero on January 1st.

I did my pre-chemo workout today at the gym, and made it a good one.  I did 60 minutes on the treadmill running intervals.  Then I did 30 minutes on the bike.  I didn't push it much on the bike, I just wanted to burn some extra calories to make up for a few pieces of dreaded Halloween candy I had after lunch.  My legs feel tired and it felt good.

I watched a very interesting documentary today called "Foodmatters." In a nutshell, it's about how nutrition can help people avoid illness and chronic disease, and even treat ailments.  They also talk about how the medical establishment ignores evidence of nutrition to the detriment of the population.  I guess some would call it an alternative approach, and I suppose it is. They take aim at traditional cancer treatments and claim that chemo and radiation actually do more harm than good.  Their point is that these treatments don't address the root cause of the cancer, but rather treats the symptoms. It's definitely worth checking out, and I plan on watching it again, hopefully with Eric.  It may ruffle his feathers a bit, because they do take aim at pharmaceutical companies and drug discovery.  Eric's company depends on companies and institutions doing research.  But maybe some of the information about nutrition will help him accept any further changes I make in our kitchen.

It is a little unsettling to watch something that basically says the treatment I'm getting is making me sicker and not doing any good.  I'm not going to second guess the treatment course that I am on at this point.  But I do want to take the lessons about nutrition as I go forward.  I want to learn more about juicing, superfoods, and vitamin/mineral supplements and use it in a complimentary way.  I do believe that food is medicine, and can help me avoid a recurrence of cancer. If I can get my family to go with it, it can help them avoid cancer and other diseases as well.  If the folks in this documentary are to be believed,  they can cure cancer through these approaches.  You've got to eat, so you might as well eat food that will make you as healthy as possible.

So tomorrow is round 5 of chemo. I'll be glad when its over, so I can look forward to only having one round left.  Pray for me that my body take it well, that the chemo proves to be an effective treatment for me. I also would like peace of mind that the course I'm on is a good one. I don't want to be freaked out thinking that its doing no good.  I'd like to take the information from that documentary that is helpful, and not dwell on their claims that are negative.

Midpoint

I am in the middle of this round of chemotherapy.  I am exactly half way through my chemo course of treatment.  Its hard to believe in some ways.  But in others, it seems to have taken a long time.  It is strange how the passage of time can seem so different. I just pray that the second half of chemo go as smoothly as the first half did. I have more energy and wellness than I ever imagined I would have, and I realize that it is truly a gift from God.  It is definitely supernatural, and not a product of anything from within me.

I had another physical therapy appointment today.  The good news is that my left arm has not gotten any bigger. That is an answer to prayer.  The bad news is that I wasn't doing the lymphatic massage quite correctly.  I need to knead the flesh rather than sliding my hand.  No harm done.  At least I've gotten into a routine with it.  Another recommendation the therapist made was to wear the compression sleeve and gauntlet several hours a day.  Not only to get used to it, but to make sure my arm doesn't get bigger.  If I wait to wear it until my arm gets bigger, I may not be able to get the sleeve on.  It is really tight, like tight thick pantyhose .  She especially wants me to wear it when I am going through radiation, since that is another risk factor for swelling.  I also should take measurements of my hand, wrist and arm a few times a week to monitor any swelling.  She said it is common for women to swell in the tricep area and not notice it for a long time, since you can't see your tricep as easily as you can the rest of your arm.

I still have that cording under my left arm.  She worked a bit on it, which hurt a little.  I just did the deep breathing like I did when I was in labor.  At least the cording has not limited my range of motion.  I've been very conscientious to stretch my arm and shoulder since my surgery in July.  It paid off.

I have been so blessed by everyone praying for me and supporting me. I have gone through a little bit of dry spell in my own devotional life, however. I had not been in the Word as I had before.  My prayers were on the run and not really focused.  With the kids starting school and needing to be out the door by 7:30 a.m. three days a week, it was easy to let it slide. A few days turned into a week, and I realized that the only time I was opening my Bible was on Sunday at church! It is wonderful to have everyone out there praying for me.  But I need to draw close to the Lord myself as well.  I feel like a bad kid.  Its not that God requires me to do read the Bible or pray to win His favor.  He is blessing my socks of whether I do it or not.  It's not based upon what I do (or don't do), but that is His nature.  It is more of my response to His blessing-I want to feel close to Him, and I had not been doing anything to draw near.

In church yesterday during worship I definitely got a tap on the shoulder from the Lord telling me to "Read My Word."  (His Word, the Bible, that is).   So this morning before the kids got up I enjoyed some time in the Psalms. Unless the Lord directs me elsewhere, I am just going to go through the Psalms and meditate upon them.  Here is one that really spoke to me this morning.  The italics are my own application:

 ¹ Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
         You have relieved me in my distress;
         Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.


I certainly need His mercy and for Him to hear my prayers.
       
 ² How long, O you sons of men,
         Will you turn my glory to shame?
         How long will you love worthlessness
         And seek falsehood?  Selah
 ³ But know that the LORD has set apart for Himself him who is godly;
         The LORD will hear when I call to Him.


The fervent prayers of the righteous man availeth much. (James 5:16)  I know that the Lord hears my prayers, not because I am so godly and righteous, but because I am covered with Christ's salvation. It is truly amazing that we have the ability to come before the God of creation with our cares and concerns.  What is man that You are mindful of him??  It boggles my mind!
      
 ⁴ Be angry, and do not sin.
         Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.  Selah  
I happened to be reading and meditating on this verse while still cozy in bed. 

 ⁵ Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
         And put your trust in the LORD.

This trial has definitely made me walk the walk when it comes to trusting in the Lord.  It is so easy to give it lip service, but when you are faced with something like cancer, it can put your faith to the test. 
     
 ⁶ There are many who say,
         “Who will show us any good?”
         LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
 ⁷ You have put gladness in my heart,
         More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.


I know that my positive attitude is another gift from the Lord. I should be freaking out, but I have a peace that passes understanding. 


 ⁸ I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
         For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4, New King James Version)

I had just enjoyed the first night of continuous sleep in several days.  Another gift!

After having started the day in the Word and in prayer, confessing my sins to the Lord, the day has been great.  I had a good power walk with my friends, found a new friend at my kids' school who is a sister in Christ, and just overall have had more patience and love in my heart.  I want to start every day the way I did this one.

My prayer requests:

• That I continue to be able to grow in my personal devotional life. That I do not let other concerns or activities get in the way of this special quiet time. 
• That the chemo drugs do their job, that my body continue to recover from the last round.  That I do not get sick from some other infection. 
• That my brother get home safe from Iraq. He is coming home later this month, but we aren't exactly sure when.  Travel mercies as he comes from Mosul (which used to be called Nineveh for you Jonah fans out there)