On your mark....

The day has nearly arrived! After signing up over 10 months ago, walking over 480 miles in training over 148 hours, it is the eve of my first 3 Day Walk. It is surreal, actually. After all the preparation to have the event finally here is like a "pinch me" moment.

We have had such amazing support from our friends and community.Yesterday, as I dropped Jean-Marc off at preschool, I was met with this sign that they kids and teachers made. I couldn't help but cry a bit at that. How sweet! When I went into the room, the teachers included me in their morning prayers and we prayed together. It was really nice. I hung the poster up in my garage as a reminder of how amazing people can be.

After that, mom and I went on our last training walk of the season. A little 5 miler just to keep the blood flowing. 

Toasting the end of training!

Am I ready? Physically, I'll admit that in some ways I don't feel like it. Maybe it's because we have tapered off on our mileage.  I know I can do it, though. It's funny how mental this can be. If I think about my left foot hurting, it starts to hurt!

I am really excited for the experience, though. The camaraderie that I've been a part of so far with this community has been amazing.  Last night, I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep, I was so excited! It was like being a kid on Christmas Eve!

One question mark is the weather. Well, at least for some. I am convinced that it is NOT going to rain. Weather reports at the beginning of the week predicted rain all weekend. Then it started to change to say just Sunday. According to weather.com, there is a 20% chance on Sunday. That means an 80% chance of NO RAIN! If it does, we'll be ready. Mom and I did 10 miles in some pretty heavy rain a few weeks ago. We've got ponchos, extra socks, and plastic bags for our feet if it does. But we won't need them!

Besides mom and me, a friend of mine, Carylee Stone, is walking on our Pink & Plaid Warrior team. Besides being a great realtor, she's a graphic artist. She designed the coolest team shirts! I can't wait to wear mine and take some pictures to post on the blog. They are so pretty!  P&P is going to rock!

Carylee is going to be picking us up at 5 a.m. tomorrow morning. We have to be at the Del Mar Fairgrounds between 5 a.m. - 6 a.m. for opening ceremonies. I think we actually start walking around 7 a.m.

I'm nearly packed-I have a few more things to stow away. Everything needs to be wrapped in plastic in case the bag gets wet, and it can't weigh over 35 pounds! That's the challenge.

Please pray for us! Pray that our bodies hold up, that God would strengthen us for this journey. That we would be lifted up on wings like eagles, that we would walk and not grow weary!  Pray that my lymphedema stays under control. That GOD be glorified in our doing this.  Pray for Eric and the kids as they are alone without me this weekend.

If you are interested, you can follow along on our journey online on the Living Route.

Thank you for your prayers, your moral support, and your financial support. By the way, if you would like to support the Pink & Plaid Warriors with a tax-deductible donation, you can by clicking here.

The thorn on the rose

I'm writing this post from France.  We are having a pretty good time so far, having been here for nearly a week now. Everyone is getting along, and even the in laws and I are getting along. Jean-Marc is charming the socks off of them, of course.

We've been pretty busy. Every day has some sort of activity or destination.  We've biked the gardens of Versailles, walked the streets of Paris, toured the battlefields of Verdun, and toured the Loire countryside. This week, Eric and I will take a few days to ourselves and go to Strasbourg. In between, there have been the typical French lunches with family and friends that take hours.

I'm trying to get my workouts in as much as I can, but it is really hard. Another difficult thing is all of the delicious food that is being presented to me by our French relatives. It is yummy, of course. But it is also very lacking in vegetables and whole grains. I was happy today to be given some fresh from the garden beets from Eric's uncle. I sauteed some of the greens with garlic and had that for dinner. I was really missing my greens.  Despite this, it has been a pretty good trip.

There is one thorn in this rose, however. Yesterday while we were in the Loire Valley celebrating my mother in law's 80th birthday, I noticed that my left forearm had a different texture to it. It didn't look huge, but it was "harder" than the other arm. There was some swelling that was noticeable to my eye. We were spending the night in a hotel and planning on coming back "home" today. After I noticed this I was preoccupied for the rest of the day and was anxious to get back to the hotel to do a good session of manual drainage and bandage for the night.

Once we got back, I discovered that in the chaos of packing and getting everyone out of the house early, my bandages were left back at the house. I kind of flipped out. All I could do was to massage and hope for the best. As I massaged, I did not feel any kind of tingling or movement. All I felt was the hardness of my arm.  It had been two days since I had any significant exercise. I was missing my vegetables and feeling like an overfed piggie.  I resolved to get up early the next morning and do some Jillian videos in our tiny room.  (I would have run, but was afraid I would get lost in the village we were in! Instead, I did level 2 and level 1 of the 30 day shred from my iPod!)

As I tried to sleep in the uncomfortable bed, I tried not to freak out. All I could do was to try and rest. I also planned to drink extra water the next day.  The lymphatic system drains into the bladder so the more you pee, the better you can drain.

We are back at Eric's parents house now and will measure my arm tonight before I massage again and bandage. I'll add some foam to the forearm and wear it longer tomorrow morning.  I think I'll also wear the compression sleeve most of the day as well. That is, when I'm not fully bandaged.

I'd appreciate your prayers that this swelling get under control.  I'm not going to let it ruin the trip, but it is a thorn on an otherwise pretty lovely rose.

Jean-Marc and I right before I noticed the swelling

Frustrated!

One of the "silver lining" of this cancer experience has been meeting great people at the American Cancer Society. Because of my involvement with their "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" last fall, I was given 2 round trip tickets anywhere Jet Blue flies (nonstop) at the end of last year. Eric and I tried to book a flight from San Diego to New York City for New Years, but there were no flights available. Bummer! But I figured, it is New Years, and I could see how demand was high.

Well, my luck doubled, because I was put into a drawing for 2 more tickets on Jet Blue. Wouldn't you know it...I won! So now I have 4 round trip tickets on Jet Blue. Wow!  Eric and I looked at the calendar, and he had to be in San Diego for the kids' Spring break. But the last week of June, he had a conference in Washington D.C. I had the bright idea that the kids and I could use the free tickets and go the same week he was there. He could add a few days on either end of his conference and we could see the sights.

It was like God was opening the door for our family to have a fun and educational trip. Considering that our family trip last June was canceled because of my diagnosis, I was really looking forward to this.  An added plus was that his company happened to have reserved an extra room at the same hotel that the conference was at that we could use for the kids.

That was, until I called Jet Blue to book the flights today. I was pretty flexible as to the dates of travel. We just needed to overlap with the dates Eric was there.  I was even flexible as to the airport we flew out of. Anywhere in Southern California would do, all the way up to Burbank.

Well...they have NO FLIGHTS AVAILABLE for the month of June. She could only get us there on July 2nd.  What's the point of these ticket vouchers if you can't book any travel? I even asked if they had the "breast cancer survivor special" and explained how I got the vouchers in the first place. (Those who have read Kris Carr's book, "Crazy, Sexy, Cancer" will recognize my attempt at swiping the "cancer card.")  Denied! She said these vouchers were "capacity controlled." I'm not sure what that means, because I'm trying to book travel 3 months in advance. It seems to me that these vouchers aren't worth the paper they are printed on, and I told her that.  In a nice way, of course. She was nice,and I could tell she wished she could change the situation.

She suggested that I contact the person at the American Cancer Society to see if that person (whose name is April) would contact Jet Blue and have the "capacity control" restriction removed. Then she could book us on pretty much any flight. I've done that, but have yet to hear back.

I know its not a life or death thing, but I would appreciate prayer that April would take my case up with Jet Blue and that Jet Blue would do the right thing and remove the restriction so we could take the kids to Washington D.C. in June. We need this. I need this. It's not the Bahamas or some sandy beach somewhere. But the kids were all jazzed about the museums and monuments.  The history, the educational possibilities....  I was looking forward to seeing a couple of cousins I have in the area, too. All of the other pieces of this trip just seemed to fall into place. But we definitely can't afford to fly the kids and I out there on our own.  So this will definitely need to be kicked up to a higher level. I've done all I can do to make this happen.

I now need God's intervention, so I figured I would enlist my faithful prayer warriors. Thank you!

Fellowship of pain

The light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter and brighter.

There has been a new face lately at the radiation office, a Mexican lady who is brought every morning by her husband. I saw her in the back several days ago, dressed in the gown they give us. I assumed that it was breast cancer, since she had to change like I did. We've exchanged smiles and nods, but not much else. Yesterday, I was in the room of the radiation oncologist's office waiting to be called in for my session.  Her husband was there, getting some coffee.  For those who have known me a long time, especially family members, you know that slurping and chewing sounds have always driven me crazy. This man is a coffee slurper. Knowing that, I have tried to "beat" them by getting in before them. But yesterday, I was too late. When I walked in, he was getting the hot coffee. I mentally geared up for annoyance. I got out my iPhone and was going to check into Facebook to give myself something else to focus on.

He started to talk to me, asking questions about my treatment. His English wasn't great, and he had a pretty thick accent. But living here in Southern California and taking 3 years of Spanish, I understood him. I could see the worry on his face as we talked. I felt like such a heel for being so ungracious, even if it was in my own head. His wife was going through 33 radiation treatments as well. She had a lumpectomy. I don't know if she had chemo, he said "yes" when I asked him, but she has hair. But that could be a wig.  Anyway, he just shook his head, saying, "It's hard...worry...."

At that point, another patient came in. A tall man, probably in his late 50's or so. He was bald. He checked in and sat down. He was really friendly and mentioned that he had forgotten his hat. As it turns out, it was his first full day bald. His hair was falling out, so he had his daughter shave it off the day before.  I told him that I did the same thing too. It was too traumatic waiting for it to come out on its own, and besides, it was a mess.  I told him my hair was starting to come back in and pulled my scarf off a few inches. He was impressed. Then we joked about the "perks" of not having hair. I told him how my nose always drips because I don't have nose hair. He lamented about not being able to do his "comb over" any more. We had a good chuckle.  As I got called in, he said, "You've got to laugh, you know?" Ain't it the truth. If you didn't, you would just want to cry.

The scar session was interesting. It looks like they have customized a plate for the linear accelerator that is the outline of my scar that they did a couple weeks ago. They got everything in place and then had one of the doctors come in and make sure it was good to go. Then everyone left the room and I waited. And waited. And waited. I wondered if it would make the buzzing sound like it did before. After several minutes, the buzzing started and it was over. The tech said it took a bit longer because they were making sure everything was done right. That is fine with me. Do it right, folks!

My burns are turning really nasty. The first blister has popped and is peeling. When I took of the Mepilex pad today, there were bits of dead skin on it. Gross! I didn't want to put on my new one until I came home from the gym, so I found the cleanest spot and stuck it back on. I also have some burning on my upper back that I noticed for the first time today.

The bright spot was that I was still able to go to the gym and have a great workout. I beat my 5k time by about 45 seconds and felt like I was kicking cancer's butt every step of the way!  It is a beautiful and sunny day here in San Diego, so I also spent some time outside in a tank top to soak up some Vitamin D.

My prayer requests:

• That my burn wounds heal without incident. I don't want to get any infections or have any complications. Let them heal and the recovery can begin!
• That my lymphedema stays under control.

Making plans and connecting dots...

I'm in a new phase of my radiation therapy. No longer do they put the pad on my chest to bring the dose closer to the skin. The positions of the machine seemed to be the same to me, but they could have made some adjustments.  Not having the pad should help my skin out, or so they say.  The radiation will go in a little deeper, I suppose.

Today they told me after the treatment they were going to "plan the scar." So I was just supposed to continue lying there while they did it. Whatever--I'm going along for the ride.  Apparently, at the end of radiation, they will spend some time giving my left scar some extra attention with the radiation beams.

Today, after the typical treatment, the techs began to slide in extra plates on the machine above me. It felt like being a bug under glass in a NASA experiment at the international space station. The extra plates made the machine come down to almost my chest. It is really hard to describe what it looked like. I found this picture on the internet that comes close. (That's not me!)  Then I got to wait for my actual doctor to come in. Thankfully, the techs were sensitive enough to take the robe I was laying on and drape it over me so I wasn't exposed like a piece of meat on the table.

I rarely actually see the doctor. Today I passed him in the small hallway as I was arriving and gave him a smile and nod. He just passed by without even noticing that I was there. I was a little miffed by that. Hello!! After a few minutes of lying there, he came in and began to draw dots around my scar. It went all around the scar and he mentioned that he would include my drain scars as well. Then he left. All he said to me was, "How are you today?"  Not like he even listened to the answer.  I could have done the Charlie Brown "waa waa waa waa" and it wouldn't have made a difference.  Maybe he was just having a bad day. I actually liked him the first time I saw him. So I'll give him the benefit of the doubt today and be merciful in my judgment.

After the doctor left, the techs then laid a transparency on top of me and then traced the dots and connected them. They took a picture of it for my file and I was done.  They said I could see the doctor if I had any other questions. I was kind of annoyed by his attitude today so I declined. It all is so technical and complicated, I don't even know where to start with questions! I just am trusting that they know what they are doing and that this is going to help the cancer not to come back.

I do get to wash the marked dots off of me, which is good. There is a small round sticker with a vertical line on it that I am not supposed to remove. It helps them to line me up on the machine each day. They've replaced it once so far.

After radiation, I went to the gym. It was fantastic today.  I did 35 minutes on the elliptical, back up to pre-surgery levels.  Yeah! Then I decided to do 30 minutes of intervals on the treadmill.  A very good friend suggested that a 10 minute mile was a "reasonable" speed.  I had been doing about 11 1/2 minute miles for the 5k. So I decided to do my speed intervals at a 10 minute/mile pace. On the treadmills at the gym, that works out to 6.0 speed. It seemed fast at first, but I was able to do it without my heart rate getting past 90%. I was very glad to see on the slower intervals that my heart rate went back down to about 60%. I have a tendency to not dip back down when I'm doing intervals that are too hard. So this was good news. Maybe I'm getting in better shape.  I would love to do the 5k in 30 minutes or less....so that is going to take some training on my part.

I have a Jillian iPhone app that I experimented with after the cardio session. You can pick a body part and see short videos of Jillian demonstrating exercises and telling you how many to do for each. I chose legs. There were 3 moves: a plie squat in second position where you would rise on your toes at the top; a "curtsey" squat; and a side lunge where you would raise the leg up each time. Okay.  But she wanted me to do 5 sets of each!! Yikes! Not after all the cardio I had done. I did 2 sets and know I'll be feeling it tomorrow!  I just dig all things Jillian!

The workout was great and made me feel really strong.

My prayer requests:

• That I continue tolerating radiation well.  That my skin does not burn to the point that it is too uncomfortable or itchy. So far, it hasn't been bothering me too much, even though it is red and chafed looking. My energy levels remain normal. Many have told me that they got very tired towards the end of their radiation. I hope I can carry on at this current level of activity. 
• That my lymphedema continue to be manageable.  I had physical therapy yesterday and was happy to see that most of my measurements were within the same range as before. There was some slight swelling at the 10 c.m. mark, but it wasn't too bad. It probably had gone down after she did the manual drainage session with me. I'm wearing bandages about 12 hours a day. 
• That I am cancer free.  Someone asked me today if I was. I just don't know.  Maybe the surgery got it all in July?  Maybe the chemo got the rest of it? Maybe we are nuking the stragglers into oblivion?  I just don't know.  I like to think that this radiation is kind of preventative...to help keep it from coming back.  But we just don't know.  I'll blog more later about where to go from here.  But for now, please pray that I am cancer free. 

Rest in peace, Daria

Daria's husband reported today that his wife passed away last night after a long battle with breast cancer. I never met Daria in person but felt a sisterhood with her-bound together by a common fight against a terrible disease. I admired her courage and strength. She blogged daily up until the very end.  While her posts showed that things were not going well, the end came on so suddenly, I am in shock at how sudden her voice is silenced.

I didn't sleep well last night. I wasn't fully awake, but spent a good bit of time in a hazy state of half-sleep/half-awake. I remember several times thinking about Daria in my sleep.  This morning when I woke up, I held her and her family up to the Lord in prayer.

Will you join me?

Heavenly Father, I lift up Daria's family to you now.  Please give them comfort and peace, knowing that their precious Daria is no longer in pain.  I pray that You will make Your presence felt to them as they grieve their loss. Please draw them close to You, and comfort them like no one or nothing else can. You are the God of all comfort, and I pray that You will be glorified in this situation. I also pray that you will comfort all who knew Daria, even those of us who only knew her online.  Give us all Your peace. For those of us who are fighting cancer, I pray that you would give us courage in the face of this loss and remind us every day that You will work this loss out for the good according to Your purposes.  In the name of Jesus, I pray, AMEN

Status report

This week has been a busy one!  Not a whole lot has happened on the fighting front, so I've been a bit quiet.

I continue to go in each day for radiation treatment.  It is starting to show on my skin.  It is the middle of week 3, just like the radiation oncologist said.  There is some telltale redness under my arm. It feels a little uncomfortable when I am driving to have the seat belt over my chest. I have a little fluffy thing to protect me, but I still feel like its chafing a bit.  I have to be careful doing my manual lymph drainage as well.  An important part of it is showing the body an alternate pathway to drain. In my case, I am trying to train the fluid to drain down my left side and into my groin. The involves rubbing the left side from under my armpit and down to my hip. The area under my arm that is being treated, including the mastectomy scar, is tender. I plan on asking my physical therapist if we should try to move the fluid across the midline to the right armpit.  This burning is only going to get worse.

To manage the lymphedema, I've been wearing the bandages on my arm for longer in the mornings and early afternoon. I even wore them all day on Tuesday. I took the day off of exercise, so I figured I might as well work on the arm.  I hate to exercise in the big arm bandage.  I don't mind the compression sleeve/gauntlet.  Tomorrow I go into my physical therapist and we will measure the hand and arm. Hopefully I've been able to keep the swelling down and maybe even helped the one area in my forearm that measured bigger last week.

Aside from treatment and cancer, I am very glad that the women's bible study started up again this week at church.  We are going to be going through Kay Smith's book and journal, "Reflecting God."  It is so nice to have a regimented program of study to go through each week.  I am sticking with my resolution of going through the Bible, but it is nice to have something topical to keep me going as well. Last year, we did another Kay Smith book, "Pleasing God" and this should be a good sequel.

The fellowship that we share with each other on Tuesday's is so precious.  This week, one woman pulled me aside and shared with me that God had a word for her about me.  I believe this particular woman has the gift of prophecy, because she has shared things with the group on several previous occasions. Anyway, the Lord told her that I would not only speak to many women, but the scale that I would be speaking to them would be enormous. More than she could imagine, she said.  It made me recall something that another sister told me last summer after I was first diagnosed.  That my mission now was to speak. Interesting and exciting! I know there is a reason that I am going through this trial.  I pray that it is not only for my own growth, but that in some way I can minister to others. I don't know what God has in store for me yet, but want to yield myself to whatever it is that He has in His plans.

My prayer requests:

• That the burning of my skin be manageable.  I know it needs to happen.  I just want to be able to do my normal activities without too much discomfort.
• Along the same lines, that I do not get too tired. Fatigue is a common side effect of radiation. I have resolved in my mind not to give in to that. I want to continue with my exercise program and daily life. Of course, if my body needs rest, I will give it rest. I just pray I can get through this without extra fatigue. 
• That my lymphedema stays under control. I'm willing to do what I know how to do to keep it there. But I know there is a large part of it that I can't control and I need God's help on.
• For my friend, N, who was recently diagnosed with uterine cancer. She is in that very scary place of not knowing exactly how "bad" it is yet. She knows a hysterectomy is in her very immediate future, but doesn't know if the disease has spread.  Is it just me, or does there seem to be a cancer storm going on right now? So many people I know and know of that are in the process of either being diagnosed or tested for some form of cancer.  

Week two in the can

I'm nearly 1/3 of the way done with radiation now.  Not quite, but almost. Today was my ninth treatment out of 33. Now I get 2 days off.  No Martin Luther King holiday for me.  That is just as well.  I want to get this finished, and a day off will just prolong the finish line.

So far, I'm doing pretty good. Compared to chemo, well, there really is no comparison. I'm still recovering from the physical effects of chemo, most notably in my finger and toe nails. They are still discolored and prone to lifting.  I've started wearing polish on my nails to cover it up. That makes me feel better about them, and they look nice too.  As for the radiation, I have not had any abnormal fatigue.  My skin has not yet shown signs of burning. I'm not expecting that to remain, however. The radiation oncologist said it usually shows up suddenly during week three. Lovely. Something to look forward to.  I'm doing what I can to keep my skin healthy now. As I'm in the dressing room right after treatment, I use an aloe based lotion. I don't need to warm the lotion in my hand before I put it on to avoid the cold shock...I'm numb in that area from the surgery! What a time saver! Later in the day, I apply a calendula lotion. I love this one, because its the same lotion (Weleda) that I used on my babies.  The smell takes me back to those early days when they were just days old and I would use the cream to do infant massage on them.  At night, I slather on the Aquafor right before bed.  I'm hopeful that this will help keep the burns manageable. 

The radiation office is a busy place.  I generally see the same patients there every day.  We don't talk to each other. At most, we give each other a sympathetic nod. I've taken to trying to guess what kind of cancer they might have. I'm the only bald one that I've seen so far.  At my appointment time, all the other patients are men.  When they come out of the radiation room fully clothed, I figure maybe a throat type of cancer. I have no idea what types of cancers are treatable with radiation. But it is something to pass the time.  Yesterday I was there early and the guy in front of me was in a dressing gown without his pants on. Yikes.  That can't be good. I heard him laughing with the techs as he went in, which was nice to hear.  Cancer sucks, so its good to try and laugh where and when you can. 

More problematic is my lymphedema. I went into the physical therapists yesterday and there was an increase of .5 cm on my lower arm (5 and 10 cms from my wrist).  The other spots we measure were all within the margin of "error" of my baseline measurements taken before radiation started.   My PT suggested I wear the bandages for a bit longer each day to address the swelling.  To the naked eye, you can't really tell when I hold up my arms.  But the measurements do not lie, and she re-checked them twice.  We don't want to let them creep up each week and then at the end of radiation have 2 centimeters to deal with. 

What a bandaged arm (not mine) looks like

I continue to get in two good sessions of manual drainage each day.  In total, this takes at least 45 minutes, sometimes 60 or more if I really work on it.  Last night, I bandaged and used some foam on my lower arm. I also kept the bandages on until about 9:30 a.m. today.  Usually I take it off when I get up at 6 a.m.  I'll experiment with wearing it longer this next week and we'll see what kind of effect it has on next week's measurements.  I don't mind wearing the bandages at night-I'm sleeping anyway. But they are bulky and a pain during the day when I need to get things done. My hand and fingers are wrapped (unlike this photo, where the fingers are not wrapped). I'm not supposed to get the bandages wet.  How do you cook and clean up after 5 people that way?  It's not very easy.  If I have to go that far, I will.  During the times I'm not in bandages, I wear compression garments. This is an area where prayer is needed.  Radiation really does a number on your lymph nodes, even if they are healthy.  To already have an impaired system that is struggling to keep up makes it all the more difficult. I am very thankful that my PT has taught me techniques to manage it.  I feel like I am able to control it as best I can.  Of course, the other thing I've learned throughout this cancer journey is that I have absolutely NO control.  

I'm very thankful to my mom for everything she has done for me throughout this time.  Well, for the last 41 years too! Since my diagnosis, she has been amazing. During this radiation phase, she takes time each day to meet Jean-Marc and I at the radiation office and she hangs out with him while I'm in getting treatment. They sit in the van and read books together. Today I came out and they were reading a story about the Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. Jean-Marc looks forward to this time each morning as we leave the house. I don't know how I would be able to manage this without her help and support. All of you who know my mom know exactly what a gem she is.  Love you, mom!

Getting into the groove

Well, I've got 2 days of radiation under my belt.  Only 31 more.


I took this picture today-the door to the treatment room. It's plastered with "caution" signs so no one goes in there and gets exposed to the harmful rays.   Except the patients.  We go in there naked on purpose.

The experience itself is bizarre.  It doesn't hurt.  But it is freaky to lay there and hear the long high pitched "buzzzzz" sound and know that you are being hit with radiation.  It would be really easy to panic and freak out.  Yesterday, for my first session, I just repeated variations of  Joshua 1:9 in my head:  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or dismayed, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  I personalized it and said to God, "I know that you are with me and you are protecting me.  Holding me in the palm of Your Hand.  I am wrapped in the shelter of Your mighty wings."  That was pretty much all I thought about.  I visualized His strength encircling me.  Protecting me, yet allowing the radiation beams that needed to get into me though.

The treatment goes pretty fast. I lay down on the slab, arms up over my head holding onto the handlebars. They position and line me up. They also put a fabric pad on my chest.  They tell me that is so the radiation is really focused on the skin.  The doctor today told me that they want to make sure the skin gets treated because that is one of the organs that the cancer may come back to.  After they put the pad on me, the ladies leave and the machine starts to buzz.  It goes for several seconds in one position, the buzzing stops, the machine rotates around to another position and the buzz begins again.  For the past two days, they have taken an X-ray as well.   It all takes about 10 minutes total.

I'll meet with the doctor once a week. It looks like Wednesday is the day. My oncologist is out of town, so I met a different one.  She just asked if I had any questions.  I asked her when I would start seeing skin changes. She said it would take about 3 weeks and then it would hit pretty fast. She said skin care right now was "optional."  I figure I'll start now and then my skin will be in good condition as we go.  I'm also drinking a lot of water, and that has to be good as well.

My lymphedema is under control as well.  As I was doing my manual drainage last night, I could feel the lymph fluid moving. It is a kind of tingling sensation.  I could once again see some of the tendons in my left hand. I wrapped my arm completely last night, albeit loosely.  I want to be proactive on this.  I'm wearing the compression garments during the radiation treatments and most of the day.  I take it off in the late afternoon/early evening so I can cook dinner and clean up without worrying about getting them wet.  It's also good for the skin to get some air.

My prayer requests are pretty much the same:

• That the radiation be effective and ACCURATE.  That no organs are harmed in the process.
• That my lymphedema stay under control. 
• That I remain strong. I keep hearing how radiation makes a person exhausted. I'd like to be able to continue with my daily activities. I do a lot of running around with the kids.  Also, exercise is important to me, especially now that I know it also helps control the lymphedema. Not to mention my weight, which could easily pack on now that I am on tamoxifen. 

Red, green and a little bit of blue Christmas

It is Christmas Day!  Happy birthday, Jesus!  It is so strange to think of where I was a year ago and how much my life has changed since then.

I'm feeling a bit schizophrenic. On the one hand, there have been moments of incredible joy and delight.  On the other hand (the left one), I am fighting feelings of frustration and mild depression.

First some of the joy.  It's Christmas!  Who doesn't love that?  Last night, Jean-Marc was so excited.  We let the kids open one present on Christmas Eve-new pajamas.  The bow from the package somehow ended up on his behind.  As it turned out, he liked it that way. When the stickiness wore off, he wanted the bow back one so we had to get some tape to tape it to his butt!  Then he was doing this funny little happy dance on the floor.  It was a riot!  The older two kids were excited too. They went to bed really early.  Olivier in particular is being very skeptical about Santa and trying to bust the myth about all things Santa.  I keep telling him that Santa doesn't bring presents to unbelievers.

I spent the last 2 days in the kitchen cooking and preparing to cook.  That was why I wasn't able to update the blog.  I made a huge feast for Christmas Eve dinner last night-even down to a homemade apple tart.  It was gorgeous-something you would see in a pâtisserie!  I roasted a free range turkey, made some celery and leek stuffing, tried a new cabbage recipe with chestnuts in it, and added some rutabaga to my mashed yukon gold potatoes. All organic, of course!

I had an extra surprise for the family this year.  I bought a family gift to open yesterday afternoon....the game Twister. I thought it would be something fun for us to do.  It was.  We all took turns falling down and winning.  My brother Jared is a typical Graham.  He is pretty competitive and wants to win.  It's in the blood.  Anyway, I had challenged him to a game after beating the kids.  Boy, he was in it to win it! Rather than putting his hand or foot down on the spot closest to him, he would reach over and get into my space. It was a lot of fun.  At one point, he got a bit over-zealous to beat me to a spot and accidentally kicked my left index finger.  Ouch!  Okay, no biggie. But it was my "bad" hand. It was still fun.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I realized at one point that I hadn't put down Jean-Marc's "big" present.  Where was it??  Even though I thought I knew where I had put it, it was enough to disrupt my sleep.  Eric was another source of sleep disruption.  He came home from France fighting a flu bug and succumbed to it yesterday morning.  So he was moaning and groaning all night. Not his fault, but annoying anyway.  Then at about 5 a.m.,  my left hand felt swollen.  I had worn my compression sleeve/gauntlet to bed, but my hand was definitely bigger than it was the night before.

What the heck?  I was so discouraged and upset.  I did my manual drainage and spent some extra time on my hand.  I couldn't help but cry as I did it.  I felt like I had just taken 2 steps back after having taken 1 step forward.  My hand swelling had gone down by Wednesday.  It was looking better, even though not back to normal.  What caused today's swelling?  I have no idea.  Could it have been the kick in the hand from last night?  Or maybe my body is trying to fight off the illness Eric has.  I don't know.  But it looks like this condition is going to be ever-present with me.  I hate feeling fragile, like a walking eggshell.  I am getting physically stronger every day!  I just passed the 3 week post-chemo mark.  I don't want to be dealing with this for the rest of my life, but it doesn't look like I have a choice.  It makes me more angry than the cancer did.

So having that happen on Christmas morning was a bit of a bummer.  But the kids came in our room at 6:01 a.m. and were so excited, I was able to put it to the back of my mind.  As the day has progressed, my hand looks a little better.  I soaked in a warm tub of bath salts that mysteriously showed up in my stocking.  That felt good.  I wonder if bath salts are good for lymphedema?  Don't my midwife friends tell pregnant women suffering from edema to soak in epsom salts?  (Or something like that).  Regardless, the bath felt good and revived my spirits a bit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not super-depressed.  I'm just annoyed and frustrated.  Lymphedema is not life threatening.  Cancer was/is.  So I popped my first two tablets of tamoxifen at noon.  Hopefully, I won't have any adverse reactions to that.  I had the scary thought wondering if I would be allergic to that.  What a mental battle this has been and continues to be!

My prayer requests:

• That the swelling go down in my hand/arm.  You wouldn't realized how often you see your hand in the course of the day.  Every time I see it all puffed up, those emotions are churned. Argh!  My body is revolting against me. I still have to do radiation to that area-I need to be able to control that swelling.
• That I do not have any adverse reactions to the tamoxifen. I'm already having night sweats and hot flashes.  Hopefully they don't get too much worse.  I'm pretty sure that I want this menopause thing to be permanent.  Why go through it twice?  In 2 years, they will test my hormone levels to see if I am post-menopausal. I just want to be able to take this drug.  So please pray for no allergic reactions to the drug. 
• That the tamoxifen be effective in preventing recurrence of cancer.  

At my fingertips

Every day is better than the last.  I've still got symptoms, but at least I feel a bit more like myself each day.

First and foremost of the symptoms is discomfort in my fingertips and fingernails.  The bruised look has spread to more of them, and they are very tender.  Deep ridges have formed and they look dry and brittle.  The look is secondary to me.  Having tender fingers is more of a pain, literally.  I work a lot with my hands in the kitchen and with my kids.  It doesn't help that I burned my right ring finger on the oven a few days ago!

I've also got a solid case of "chemo brain."  My memory has huge holes in it.  The kids think its pretty funny, and even have Jean-Marc chanting, "chemo brain."  As an example: last Saturday my brother apparently invited us to join him, my parents and my other brother and his family to go to an Iraqi restaurant in San Diego.  The invite was transmitted via Eric. I didn't get the part that we were invited-I just heard that my brothers were going to eat Iraqi food.  The next day, my mom asked why we didn't go.  I had no recollection of being invited! I was a bit annoyed at Eric and let him know when I saw him again.  He defended himself, and I didn't believe that he had transmitted the invite.  Olivier was sitting there and said, "Uh, yeah, mom.  We were invited."  I had absolutely no memory of it.  That is just one example.  I'm hoping that with time, my memory will not have gaping holes in it.

My taste buds are slowly returning.  They aren't 100% yet, but each day food tastes better and better.  My entire digestive system seems to be getting back on track.  All the drugs around chemo time tend to block my system.  It feels awful.  But that is behind me now.

Physically, I'm weaker than I was.  But getting better.  I did my Jillian "Banish Fat Boost Metabolism" DVD today.  It was really hard, and I had to drop the arms a little by the end.   I sweat like a dog and it felt great.  Almost like I was sweating the nasty drugs right out of my system.

One thing that I haven't blogged about much yet is the menopausal symptoms I've been having, particularly hot flashes.  I seem to have them most at night.  They've started a little in the evenings as well now.  I sleep with a knit cap on my head because of the cold.  But I'm awakened at least 3-4 times a night hot and sweating.  I take the cap off my head, and my head is drenched and the pillow is soaked. If I'm fortunate, I'm able to get back to sleep, only to have the cycle repeated awhile later.  I've had to wash the pillowcases, my pajamas and my knit cap a few times this week.  From what Dr. P tells me about tamoxifen, I might as well get used to it.  If it interferes with my sleep too much, he would be happy to prescribe something.  But I'd rather stay away from drugs if at all possible.

My prayer requests:

• That the six rounds of chemo that I've gone through will have been effective against my disease.
• That my family and I can trust God enough not to worry about the cancer coming back after all of my treatment.  This one is huge for me right now.  I'm not even done with treatment, and I find myself constantly fretting about recurrence.  I don't want to live the rest of my life (and a long life at that), in turmoil about cancer. It drags me down and sometimes I feel like I'm marinading in a swamp of cancer fear.  
• That the pain in my fingertips subside. 
• That I get my wits about me again...that chemo brain go away.  

Catching up to me?

I think this chemo thing is starting to catch up to me.  The good news is that with only one treatment left, I think I can outrun it in the long haul.  Thank God that I didn't feel this way a couple months ago.

I'm more tired physically.  In past rounds, at this point in time I feel normal.  I'm kicking butt at the gym.  However, yesterday at the gym, I noticed that it was much harder to do lower levels on the Stair master and elliptical than I usually do.  I use a heart rate monitor, so I know if I'm at a range where I am exerting a good bit or not.  I got up to 85% of my heart rate 2 levels lower than before, even during chemo.   This morning, I did a 30 minute cardio workout, (Cindy Whitmarsh's "Less is More" cardio),  off of Exercise TV and it was a challenge.  I did it and then some, but it was a challenge.

There are other physical reminders too.  My nails have these lines on them that don't go away. Most annoying are my eyes.  They are constantly watering.  I may have caught an infection in my eyes.  I'm not sure.  They were really red yesterday and they burn.  I also feel spasms in my eyes and eyelids. The tears then dry and leave salty deposits around my eyes.  In the morning, my eyes are crusted shut.  Gross, isn't it?  I don't know if all of these are side effects of chemo or something else going on.   I was hoping to put off an eye exam until after all of my treatment, but I may see if I can get into an exam in December.  I've gained a couple pounds too, which doesn't make me very happy.  Of course with Thanksgiving, many people do.  But in reality, it has been creeping up on me a little by little for the past couple months.

Mentally, I just don't "feel" like myself completely.  I'm in a kind of constant "zoning" state.  Things just feel weird all the time.  I'm a bit tired all the time.  I spent some time this afternoon just vegging out in front of the television watching a great chick flick-"Letters to Juliet."  That felt great, and I think I'll be doing more of that in the coming few weeks.

When I feel off like this, I try to at least look normal on the outside. I'm an "undercover" cancer patient.  With my eyes, makeup is not my friend. Nevertheless, I gave it a shot this morning for church.  I'm missing a lot of my eyebrows, but I can fill those in with makeup.  I noticed my eyelashes are much thinner as well.  I was happy to come home and take the eye makeup off.  I also wore the wig.  That helps, especially when I catch a glimpse of my own reflection. Especially since I have to wear my glasses.  The downside is that the wig can give me a headache and itches.  At home, it suffers the same fate as the eye makeup...it's OFF!

I'm not complaining here, I'm really not.  I like to think of this post as more of one documenting what I'm feeling like physically and mentally.  I know I am blessed to have made it this far as well as I have.  Only one more round to go.  I plan on getting exercise as best I can this week.  It's one of my mental "things" that I want to keep on doing to show cancer that its not going to get me.  Like I said, it may be gaining on me, trying to catch up.  But I'm going to beat it.

I'm told that these physical issues go away after chemotherapy.  I sure hope so.  It's hard to imagine ever feeling normal again.  I follow another blog about fitness for cancer survivors, written by a cancer survivor and physical trainer.  She mentioned in one of her posts about being so fatigued during chemo that she could barely drag herself to the mail box on some days. Now she runs half marathons and climbs mountains.   My hair will grow back.  (Unless the tamoxifen causes it to be too thin, but that is something for another post.)  My nails will go back to normal.  My eyes will get better.  I will be done with chemotherapy.

It won't be a minute too soon.

Prayer Requests:

• That my eyes heal.  I don't mind the watering so much.  But the spasms and burning are a pain.  I'm going to call Kaiser tomorrow to see if I can get into see an eye doctor. Pray that I can get in at a good time.  I don't know if it would be best to wait until after chemo or get in as soon as I can.  Pray that God will give me the appointment that works best with my other medical issues. 
• That my energy levels stay up.  The kids go back to school tomorrow, so I'm back to the grind as well. 
• That this last round of chemo be effective and kill off any remaining cancer cells in my body. 
• That my spirits stay positive.  It is so easy to get depressed when you have physical pain and medical issues. It is toxic and I don't want to be depressed and negative.  For me, its a downward spiral and I'd soon be dwelling on cancer, recurrence and nasty stuff.  I just don't want to "go there."   Pray that I don't forget to "look up" to my Savior and remember that HE is bigger than all of this.  That I be reminded to seek shelter under His wings, and not lean on my own understanding. 

Almost vacation

"Vacation" may not be the right word.  But the kids have next week off from school, and I am looking forward to it.  I spend a lot of my day on the road, shuttling from the middle school, elementary school, home, karate classes, and so on. It will be nice not to have to get kids out the door by 7:30 a.m., make lunches the night before, etc.

Not a lot is going on this week.  I'm just doing the mom-thing.  I've been getting a workout in each day.  Tomorrow morning Isabelle is going to get honored at the school flag assembly for her all 4 report card.  I haven't been able to make it to all the assemblies this year...they are on Fridays and I've had chemo on a few of them.

I am excited that we seem to have found someone to help us with the housework.  We did try a cleaning lady over the summer as I was recuperating from surgery, but she apparently didn't want to work for us.  She was supposed to come on Mondays, but didn't show up the second day she was scheduled.  I called her and she came a few days later.  As she was leaving, I asked if that was going to be her new day and she said she would call.  She never did.  I left a couple messages, but she never got back to me.  She does our neighbor's house, and when Eric saw her in the neighborhood a couple weeks ago, he asked her if she was coming back.  Guess what she told him?  Yep, that's right.  She'd call.  Needless to say, that never happened.  It was really strange to be kind of "fired" by your cleaning lady.  Not that I have a lot of experience with cleaning ladies.  I usually can keep up with it on my own.  But this is a perk of my cancer, I guess.  Eric and I just feel a bit overwhelmed trying to keep it up, and he's willing to get the help.  I'm not going to let that opportunity (spousal consent) pass me up!  Anyway, a friend referred me to her cleaning lady and she came over today and we really like her.  She starts next week!  There's nothing like a clean house to lift the spirits even higher.

There is not much more to report today.  But I didn't want people to get worried with me not posting 2 days in a row and thing something was wrong.  I'm feeling okay, just busy being a mom.

My prayer requests:

• Against illness.  I'm immune suppressed right now, and Jean-Marc has a cold.  He isn't suffering too bad, but his nose started running today after a couple days of being a little hoarse. Pray he gets well ad that no one else gets it.
• I feel like a broken record, but do pray that the chemo be effective against this disease.  I get paranoid that maybe its not working because I'm not wiped out by the chemo.  Did I get enough of the poison/medicine?  

One more to go...

I'm back from my 5th round of chemotherapy.  It went well, no surprises.

I slept really well last night.  My 90+ minute heart pumping cardio workout yesterday may have had something to do with that.  Well, that an the Ativan I popped before going to bed.  On the 3 days I'm on the steriod, I take th Ativan to help me sleep.  It's not that I can't get to sleep, but when I wake up at night, I can't get back to sleep. The Ativan takes care of that.

The kids were off of school today and I didn't need to be at Kaiser until 9 a.m.  I had time to do a load of laundry and a 30 minute yoga practice.  It felt good to really stretch and relax before going in.

The chemotherapy nurses at Kaiser in San Marcos are the best.  They all greet you, know you, talk to you and are generally amazing.  I passed along a greeting from my former pastor to one of them that was his wife's nurse when she was battling breast cancer. She, in turn told me how Pat and Joyce had taken the time out of their lives (during their battle) to call her while she was touring Israel. Sweet!

My blood counts were perfect!  I realized later that was an answer to prayer from earlier in the week.  Thank you Lord!  (And all my prayer warriors out there). I went ahead and had the IV put in my forearm. I told her about the brusing, so I kept my arm wrapped in a heating pad while I was there.  I also drank 40 ounces of water while at Kaiser.  I had about 30 ounces at home before going in.  These first few days of chemo rounds make me really thirsty.  I drink and drink and feel dry still.  In a few days, water will taste bad--like metal.  So I drink it while I can without the aftertaste.

There was a lady next to me who was really scared.  It was her first time, and she was getting the same drugs as me.  She only spoke a little English.   Her nurse introduced me to her and told her that I was on my 5th time.  I smiled and told her it would be okay.  When I left, she seemed to be doing fine.  You can't let you mind go off in scary places.  The fear of the unknown can be debilitating.

As I was finishing up at Kaiser, I got a call from Eric.  He had taken the kids to the San Diego Wild Animal Park and they were pulling into Sammy's for lunch.  What timing!  I told him what to order for me and made my way over.  It was a nice lunch.  Jean-Marc was sitting at the other end of the table next to Eric, so daddy got to take care of him in the restaurant.  He's high maintenance, always moving, and wanting whatever it is NOW.  He'll drop a crayon, want a drink, etc. It was nice to be able to go and just talk and eat!  After lunch, the kids and I went to a new frozen yogurt place nearby called Menchie's.  It was great, and I daresay the original tart yogurt was better than Froyos.  Creamier.  It's a new place, the employees were friendly, giving the kids stickers, balloons, and temporary tattoos.  It was a great way to celebrate the ending of my morning.

My plan for the weekend is to relax as much as possible.  I'm dropping Olivier off for a boy scout backpack campout in about 30 minutes.  He'll be gone until Sunday.  It's his first backpacking trip, so he's really excited to break in his new backpack.  I hope he won't get too cold!  They are going to camp tonight at some place called Fish creek, and then hike up to some caves in the Anza Borrego desert tomorrow and sleep there tomorrow night.  Eric is going to build shelves in our new garden shed.  Isabelle is going to ride her horses tomorrow.  Jean-Marc will be in the mix throughout.  He has been invited to a birthday party tomorrow morning, we'll go if I'm up to it.  My idea of perfect days are to just go up in my room and watch the 6-8 hours of Jane Eyre on DVD that I got from Netflix!  We'll see how much of it I'll get through.

My prayer requests:

• That Olivier have a fun, warm and safe experience this weekend.  He's the only new scout going on this trip, so he won't be with the patrol leaders he's used to.  He'll be getting to know other boys better and learning a lot!
• That I deal with this round of chemo well.  That I don't turn into a chemo-mush brain, with little to no patience.  That my family have the grace to cope with my mood swings and fuzzy head if the need arises. 
• That my arm doesn't bruise like it did last time.  That made me feel "sick" to see a banged up arm. 

Preparing to slay the enemy

2 days before my 5th round of chemo.

I started the week out with a new mix of anticipation and anxiety.  It is getting old, but its what I have to do.  I was kind of looking forward to other rounds in a bizarre kind of way.  With the bruising on my arm last time, it kind of made me feel like my veins were starting to protest the repeated incursions and I was not looking forward to having them punctured yet again.

With two days to go, I'm anxious to just get it over with.  At least then, I can look forward to my LAST round of chemo.  Maybe its time to start reading up on radiation therapy...

And what about the vein issue? We'll see what the nurse things about using the forearm.  It is more comfortable while I'm in the chemo suite to have the IV placed there.  I had it in the back of my hand on my second round and every time I flexed my wrist, it kind of hurt. But maybe I need to have it there to give the vein in my forearm a break.  Either way, I plan on drinking water like a camel tomorrow so my veins pop, regardless of where they are.

The kids are going to be home for the next several days. Tomorrow is Veteran's Day and Friday the schools aren't in session...a "furlough" day because the state of California is broke and is going to save money by not providing school for kids.  Eric is going to take the next couple of days off so between him and the older two kids, we should be able to get through my medical stuff that is coming up.  Olivier has his first boy scout backpacking trip this weekend, and I've been spending the past week getting him outfitted for that. We bought a backpack for him and today I got him a mummy bag that is smaller so it can fit inside his new pack. Thank God for boy scouts!  It has been so good for him, and provided him with a set of slightly older boys that he can learn from and look up to.  It's been one of those constants for him during this cancer thing and I'm glad that he has it.

I've been reading like a maniac on my new Amazon Kindle.  I'm on my third Vince Flynn novel and also read Joel Rosenberg's latest on it.  It's a great little device.  I'm looking forward to bringing it to chemo on Friday and spending the time reading.

As you would expect, I've been working out a lot this week, "training" for combat on Friday.  I'll go to the gym tomorrow for my last workout before Round 5 and run.  It occurred to me after last round, the reason that my heart rate is slightly elevated the day before chemo may not be anxiety after all.  I do start taking the steroid the day before chemo, and that may explain it.  (Duh!) It may sound a little twisted, but I kind of like what it did to me last time.  I was able to run and run and run like there was no stopping me.  It made me think of the verses that describe God making one's feet swift like the deer.  I'm looking forward to testing the theory out tomorrow.

I also go into see Dr. P tomorrow and see where my blood counts are.  I'm sure they are okay, at least good enough for chemo.  Even though I got the flu last week, I feel fully recovered from it.  My nose has been a little drippy, but I think that isn't a virus or illness, but just a byproduct of not having the little cilia hairs in my nose.  It's kind of a pain.  But the upside is, I don't have hair on my legs anymore, either.  They are silky smooth!  Hey--you've got to look on the bright side of things and look for those silver linings.

My prayer requests:

• That my blood counts be in a place that allows chemo to go forward on Friday.  
• That Round 5 go smoothly and that the side effects are minimal.  That the cytoxan and taxotere do their work and SLAY CANCER CELLS!!
• That with the kids off of school for so many days that we have harmony in the house.  One thing that this treatment has done to me is make me kind of irritated.  I think its a hormonal thing. I just would like peace in the house and not bickering kids. Love, love, love!! May we all have the patience of our Lord and His holy spirit flowing in and through us toward each other. 

The good and the bad?

I watched a really good documentary last week, "The Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel. In it, he explored two questions that people commonly stumble on when accepting Christianity.  The first was "Why must Jesus be the only way to God?"  The second one, and the one that I have been thinking about was "Why does a loving God allow suffering in the world?" 

Considering what I am going through right now, it was pretty interesting to watch.  I don't question "why me?" as some others in my situation may.  It is what it is.  I believe that trials are things that God allows into your life to make you stronger and to purify you and make you more like Jesus.  For some, it may be a test of faith that causes them to abandon the Lord.  For me, it is more of a strengthener of my faith. 

Why would God allow pain into my life if He loves me? The documentary pointed out that as a parent, you don't rescue your kids from every pain and trauma in life.  Nothing teaches more than a little bit of pain.  Of course, it is painful as a parent to see your child suffer. But it is worth it in the end if it teaches them something and/or makes them stronger for the rest of their lives. It is the same with God.  I believe He has allowed this into my life for His reasons. I don't claim to know what they are, and I don't claim to know how He is going to work the situation out for the good.  But the Bible says that He does (Romans 8:28), and I take God at His Word. 

It is so easy to call yourself a Christian and praise God when life is going well.  But what about when its not going so well?  That is when the rubber of your faith meets the road.  What is it going to be?  Do I give up on God? Or press in closer?

Since it was the first Sunday of the month yesterday, we celebrated communion at church.  While the pastors and elders passed out the elements, we sang a song with the following lyrics, "...I want all that you have for me, Jesus."  In my mind, I couldn't help but question.  Do I really want all that He has for me?  The "good" and the "bad?"  He allows both into my life. Do I want both? 

Breast cancer is something that the Lord allowed into my life. I'm sure it is hard for Him to watch me go through.  It is scary.  In the early days, not knowing how extensive it was probably was the worst mentally. Surgery hurt. Chemo is nasty, and it has sterilized me.  I'm at a lifelong risk of having my left arm swell up like a balloon.  Right now, I feel like I will always be looking over my shoulder wondering if the cancer has come back.  Every ache and pain makes me wonder in the back of my mind....oh no....has "it" spread? 

Can I thank the Lord for that?  Can I really with all honesty sing to the Lord that I want ALL that He has for me?  That's a pretty bold thing to say to God, and you'd better be sure you mean it before you say it.  Because it could mean a lot more than you think.  

I trust God with my life.  He died for me so I would not be eternally separated from Him, tormented and in anguish. He's all powerful and mighty.  I was telling someone close to me recently that we tend to put God in a box.  A human box.  We can't begin to wrap our minds around what He is capable of doing (like creating the world in 6 days) because we put him in a box. If we can't do something, or the smartest / strongest / fastest / bravest human that we can think of can't do something, then we don't really trust God to do what the Bible says that He can do.  

Even though I don't understand why the circumstances as they are, I know a few things for sure:

• God is good. (Psalm 119:68)  
• God loves me (John 3:16)
• God works all things out for the good for those who love him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28)

Knowing this, I can say I sing with honesty when I life up my voice to say, "I want all that you have for me, Jesus."  

Prayer requests:

• That my body be strong and ready for the next round of chemo on Friday.  That my blood cell counts be good so there is no delay. 
• That this chemotherapy be effective in killing any cancer cells in my body.
• Complete healing.  God can do it!

Feeling queasy

This won't be a very long post, but I wanted to get this out there so my prayer warriors can get to work.

For the past couple of days, Jean-Marc hasn't been eating well.  He usually wolfs down his food, but he's been acting strange at the table and playing with his food more than he's been eating.  Then today, he had some diarrhea.  At about 5 p.m., I started feeling a bit queasy myself.

Maybe its just the gross out factor at having to clean the little potty of a few runny poos.  But maybe I'm coming down with the bug that Jean-Marc seems to have had.  I have no appetite, and could easily see myself throwing up.  As I am cooking dinner for the kids, my stomach is starting to knot up at the smells.

I still have to be a mom, though.  Eric is out of town until tomorrow night.  Kids need fed, they need to get to school, and Jean-Marc needs to be taken care of.

My urgent prayer request is that I do not get sick.  I know my white counts are probably pretty low and that I'm susceptible to illness. Last round, at 2 weeks post chemo, they were low.  I'm nearly at that point.

Thank you for your prayers!

Round Four ... done!

I just got back from my fourth of six rounds of chemotherapy.

This one took a little longer.  I am now a frequent visitor of the lab at Kaiser.  I had a bit of time to kill between dropping Isabelle off at 8 a.m. and my chemo appointment at 9 a.m.  So I went to Discovery lake for a quick walk/run.  I ended up running 2 laps and walking 1 as a warm up/cool down.  Not bad for 30 minutes, I thought.  I broke just a light sweat and remind my metabolism not to plummet, which was all I wanted to do since I had to go have chemo.

I was stretching out a bit by my car when I got a call from the chemo nurse. Apparently, the blood draw from yesterday they missed doing a liver function and creatinine panel. They only did a CBC. Great.  So I got myself over there quickly and was back up at the lab for another poke and another $10 co-pay. (Yes, that tangled mess of insurance just got another twist in it).  I was on time for the chemo appointment, but had to wait about an hour for the results to come in.  Time for some Angry Birds!!

Because of the snafus this week, I had a complete blood count done 3 times this week. One a week ago (10/15), one yesterday (10/21) and then today (10/22). The nurse let me look at the results of my CBC's after she mentioned that my white count was pretty high.  She asked if I had been taking the prescribed steroid, which I had. 3 doses before this morning's draw.  A week ago, my WBC was at 2.0, which is low. Yesterday, it was back up to 5.8. This morning, it was at a whopping 11.5! The nurse said it was because of the steroid. A high WBC count indicates that your body is trying to fight off something.  If it hadn't been the jump between yesterday and today, I would have thought maybe it was the flu shots. But that impact should be waning, and this was double over 24 hours!

The counts from last Friday are all lower. She said that was probably my "nadir point," which basically means my lowest point. On that day, even my red blood cell count was marked as low, just under the low end of the range. I asked for a printout of it and there is a lot of data on this sheet.  Abbrevations that I'm going to want to look up just to see.  The bottom line, though, is that as of today I was okay to get the chemo.   Oh, and the liver and kidney functions were normal too.  Sigh.  What's another poke, anyway?

Bring it ON!

Treatment itself went without incident.  I watched some news, read some Psalms, and played more Angry Birds. I drank 3 thermoses filled with water.  As I sat there, I couldn't help but overhearing other patients. It could be so much worse. The lady next to me was discussing with the nurse about how she has to go in every 3 weeks for chemo until next MAY!  And she had been going since last May. Granted, she was out quicker than I was.  But still. She will be doing this for months after I am done.

Chemo puts you on this life-cycle where you no longer think of life by the normal calendar. Every time you get a new event, you think....okay. Where does that put me on the chemo calendar?  Will I be at risk of infection?  Will I have taste buds? Mouth sores?  Eyebrows?  Life is just revolves around that chemotherapy wheel.  It goes around, around, around.  Chemo today, Cipro on Tuesday, wash your hands, wash your hands, round and around, blood draw, oncologist, round and around.

I want to share a quick verse I read this morning while taxotere was dripping into my veins. I may have shared it in the past, but it was so spot on while I was actually having chemotherapy:

Excerpts from Psalm 37
Do not fret because of evildoers,
Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity.
For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,
And wither as the green herb.  (vv 1-2)

For evildoers shall be cut off;
But those who wait on the Lord,
They shall inherit the earth.
For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more. (vv. 9-10)

The whole psalm is great, but these verses just brought comfort to my heart like nothing else. This cancer will be cut down like the grass and DIE. For a little while they are here, but if I am patient and wait, they shall be no more. We will look for them carefully later (scans, blood tests, etc), but they shall be no more.  I'm going to take this promise to heart and rest in it.  Thank you Lord for ministering to me this morning!

My prayer requests:

• That I cope with the after effects of this round of chemo without too much discomfort, fatigue, etc. I would like to have more patience with my family for the next few days. I have found myself to be kind of impatient and nasty. I don't want to be that way.  I want to reflect the patience and peace of Jesus. 
• That I have the energy on Sunday to do the event with the Chargers. Even though I don't know any one else, I'm really looking forward to it.  
• Travel mercies for my family.  Jared is spending his last night in Iraq tonight and will be coming back to the USA tomorrow. Mom and dad are on their way to Georgia as I type this. God is good!

Preparations, again

This Friday will be round #4 of chemotherapy. I find myself getting into "preparation" mode again on several levels.

It actually started last Friday with a visit to Kaiser. I got my blood drawn for a Vitamin D test and got my flu shot on the way out. (At Dr. P's recommendation). I was a little miffed to get my "results" of the blood draw online and see that they seemed to have made a mistake and drawn blood for a liver function panel and creatinine screen, but no Vitamin D results. That made me wonder if my lab appointment for this Thursday got switched and instead of the pre-chemo tests they would just do Vitamin D. That would potentially delay my chemo. That prompted a call to the lab this morning, which is no small feat. First, you have to leave a message and then wait for them to call you back. If you don't happen to be by the phone to catch the call, it's phone tag and you are IT. You get to start at the beginning and leave a message for them. I realized as I was taking Isabelle to school this morning that I had left my cell phone plugged in. Sure enough, by the time I got home, they had called. Fortunately, the second time was a charm and I did catch the call. As it turns out, they did draw for Vitamin D, the other tests were overkill and will be done as planned this Thursday before chemo.

Dr. P recommended the flu shot for everyone just to keep potential illness out of the house. The injection with the dead virus for me 2 weeks after chemo (which was last Friday). The kids got the nasal mist today. Yeah, I know some people don't agree with immunizations and particularly flu shots. If that works for you, cool. But I'm going to go with what the oncologist recommends. He's gotten me to this point pretty well, so I'm going to go with what he says. Please no comments second guessing this decision, okay? :-)

I'll go through my now-familiar Thursday pre-chemo routine in a few days. Blood draw at 9 a.m., pick up the refill of Cipro and a visit with Dr. P.

The insurance situation with Kaiser continues to be a mess. Kaiser re-coded policies and put me in a "new" plan as of September 1. A couple weeks ago, they had not carried over my out of pocket accumulations to the "new" plan, so I was being told by the providers that I had a huge co-pay. (I have a high deductible plan, but have more than met the family deductible this year). Last month, they told me to call back if I got a bill. Sure enough, I did. My concern is that the services I am being billed for since September 1 are not being adjusted correctly. Is Kaiser billing me as if I had not met the deductible? I can't figure it out from the statement. So I called that department today to check. It is so confusing that the woman I talked to had to have her manager look at the account to figure it out and will call me back tomorrow. What a pain!

There are other preparations I'm making this week as well. I want to get the dog groomed before Friday. She smells bad! I'm making a huge pot of "Chicken Magic Mineral Broth" from "The Cancer Fighting Kitchen." I've planned super nutritious meals for this week full of veggies, legumes and protein so I'm not nutritionally deficient on Friday. I'm doing my higher intensity workouts at the beginning of the week so I can take a day or two off later on. Working out also keeps me feeling strong, keeps my metabolism up, and keeps those happy endorphins flowing good and strong!

This round will be different because my mom and dad are going to be out of town. Mom has really picked up the slack for me at chemo time. It's good they are going--it means my brother Jared is coming home from his 3rd tour in Iraq!! But that means Eric will have to pick up my slack. He is going to take Thursday and Friday morning off so he can hang out with Jean-Marc while I'm at Kaiser getting treatment. I'm most concerned about Monday the 25th. Monday after chemo (day 4) has been my worst day each round. Last time, I rested Sunday afternoon. It helped, but I was still "blah" and foggy on Monday. This Sunday I have the Charger game, and I'm not planning on missing that!

Speaking of the Charger game, yesterday at the "Making Strides" walk, I was going into the area where the flagship sponsors had tents. We had to show a special wristband to get past some ropes. Anyway, the guy manning the rope said, "We'll see you next Sunday!" Turns out, he was from the American Cancer Society and is organizing the event at the Charger game. I was surprised he knew who I was when we hadn't been introduced.

Anyway, I'm feeling good and will be glad when I get to Friday. Then I will definitely be over the hump. 4 down, 2 to go.

My prayer requests:

• That I be strong spiritually. I've had a few instances in the past few days with fear. I ran across some stupid "tools" online for cancer survival. I should have just closed the page, but instead I put in my stats "just to see." I did not need to see survival statistics/mortality rates for people in my situation.  It freaks me out to think of myself as a statistic. I go along most of the time feeling like I'm going to beat this and then BAM! The possibility that I may have recurrence, metastatic stage IV, years of treatment pops into my head. I know that this is a form of spiritual warfare that the enemy is using on me. 
• That God would eradicate any cancer cells in my body. Just make them disappear. I was reading Psalm 29 this morning. In it, David is marveling at God's mighty power. He can certainly make cancer cells disappear if it is His will. 

In closing, I wanted to share one of the Psalms that I read this morining during my devotional time.  I found out later that part of it is set to music, "This is How We Overcome."

Psalm 30

 ¹ I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
         And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
 ² O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
         And You healed me.
 ³ O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
         You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
        
 ⁴ Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His,
         And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
 ⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
         His favor is for life;
         Weeping may endure for a night,
         But joy comes in the morning.
        
 ⁶ Now in my prosperity I said,
         “I shall never be moved.”
 ⁷ LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;
         You hid Your face, and I was troubled.
        
 ⁸ I cried out to You, O LORD;
         And to the LORD I made supplication:
 ⁹ “What profit is there in my blood,
         When I go down to the pit?
         Will the dust praise You?
         Will it declare Your truth?
 ¹⁰ Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
         LORD, be my helper!”
        
 ¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
         You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
 ¹² To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
         O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever. (Psalm 30, New King James Version)

Midpoint

I am in the middle of this round of chemotherapy.  I am exactly half way through my chemo course of treatment.  Its hard to believe in some ways.  But in others, it seems to have taken a long time.  It is strange how the passage of time can seem so different. I just pray that the second half of chemo go as smoothly as the first half did. I have more energy and wellness than I ever imagined I would have, and I realize that it is truly a gift from God.  It is definitely supernatural, and not a product of anything from within me.

I had another physical therapy appointment today.  The good news is that my left arm has not gotten any bigger. That is an answer to prayer.  The bad news is that I wasn't doing the lymphatic massage quite correctly.  I need to knead the flesh rather than sliding my hand.  No harm done.  At least I've gotten into a routine with it.  Another recommendation the therapist made was to wear the compression sleeve and gauntlet several hours a day.  Not only to get used to it, but to make sure my arm doesn't get bigger.  If I wait to wear it until my arm gets bigger, I may not be able to get the sleeve on.  It is really tight, like tight thick pantyhose .  She especially wants me to wear it when I am going through radiation, since that is another risk factor for swelling.  I also should take measurements of my hand, wrist and arm a few times a week to monitor any swelling.  She said it is common for women to swell in the tricep area and not notice it for a long time, since you can't see your tricep as easily as you can the rest of your arm.

I still have that cording under my left arm.  She worked a bit on it, which hurt a little.  I just did the deep breathing like I did when I was in labor.  At least the cording has not limited my range of motion.  I've been very conscientious to stretch my arm and shoulder since my surgery in July.  It paid off.

I have been so blessed by everyone praying for me and supporting me. I have gone through a little bit of dry spell in my own devotional life, however. I had not been in the Word as I had before.  My prayers were on the run and not really focused.  With the kids starting school and needing to be out the door by 7:30 a.m. three days a week, it was easy to let it slide. A few days turned into a week, and I realized that the only time I was opening my Bible was on Sunday at church! It is wonderful to have everyone out there praying for me.  But I need to draw close to the Lord myself as well.  I feel like a bad kid.  Its not that God requires me to do read the Bible or pray to win His favor.  He is blessing my socks of whether I do it or not.  It's not based upon what I do (or don't do), but that is His nature.  It is more of my response to His blessing-I want to feel close to Him, and I had not been doing anything to draw near.

In church yesterday during worship I definitely got a tap on the shoulder from the Lord telling me to "Read My Word."  (His Word, the Bible, that is).   So this morning before the kids got up I enjoyed some time in the Psalms. Unless the Lord directs me elsewhere, I am just going to go through the Psalms and meditate upon them.  Here is one that really spoke to me this morning.  The italics are my own application:

 ¹ Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
         You have relieved me in my distress;
         Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.


I certainly need His mercy and for Him to hear my prayers.
       
 ² How long, O you sons of men,
         Will you turn my glory to shame?
         How long will you love worthlessness
         And seek falsehood?  Selah
 ³ But know that the LORD has set apart for Himself him who is godly;
         The LORD will hear when I call to Him.


The fervent prayers of the righteous man availeth much. (James 5:16)  I know that the Lord hears my prayers, not because I am so godly and righteous, but because I am covered with Christ's salvation. It is truly amazing that we have the ability to come before the God of creation with our cares and concerns.  What is man that You are mindful of him??  It boggles my mind!
      
 ⁴ Be angry, and do not sin.
         Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.  Selah  
I happened to be reading and meditating on this verse while still cozy in bed. 

 ⁵ Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
         And put your trust in the LORD.

This trial has definitely made me walk the walk when it comes to trusting in the Lord.  It is so easy to give it lip service, but when you are faced with something like cancer, it can put your faith to the test. 
     
 ⁶ There are many who say,
         “Who will show us any good?”
         LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
 ⁷ You have put gladness in my heart,
         More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.


I know that my positive attitude is another gift from the Lord. I should be freaking out, but I have a peace that passes understanding. 


 ⁸ I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
         For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4, New King James Version)

I had just enjoyed the first night of continuous sleep in several days.  Another gift!

After having started the day in the Word and in prayer, confessing my sins to the Lord, the day has been great.  I had a good power walk with my friends, found a new friend at my kids' school who is a sister in Christ, and just overall have had more patience and love in my heart.  I want to start every day the way I did this one.

My prayer requests:

• That I continue to be able to grow in my personal devotional life. That I do not let other concerns or activities get in the way of this special quiet time. 
• That the chemo drugs do their job, that my body continue to recover from the last round.  That I do not get sick from some other infection. 
• That my brother get home safe from Iraq. He is coming home later this month, but we aren't exactly sure when.  Travel mercies as he comes from Mosul (which used to be called Nineveh for you Jonah fans out there)