One song I enjoy running to is Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger." I've always believed that to be true in life. Each situation we face makes us adapt, change and grow to deal with and, hopefully, overcome it.
I spent several years working with an birth education and advocacy group, The International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN). My involvement grew out of my own bad experience with Olivier's cesearan birth in 1999. As I became more aware of the physiological and political issues surrounding the birth industry, I was able to go on to have two amazing home births with Isabelle and Jean-Marc. I got involved in ICAN, a group that I found much support and information from during my subsequent pregnancies. I like to think that I helped other women avoid some of the same mistakes that I made the first time around. My cesarean experience definitely made me stronger, but it took me a long time to get to the point of saying that I was grateful for that experience. But now, I can honestly say that I am grateful for my cesarean and for the person it forced me to become.
A new friend, (who found me through this blog), mentioned an interview with "Soul Surfer" Bethany Hamilton. Bethany was asked if she could do her life over, would she have not gone surfing that day or gotten out of the water before the shark came? And she said, "No", because she has been able to reach so many more people to tell them about her faith and God's love than she ever would have if she'd remained a normal surfer girl.
That got me to thinking...will I ever be able to say that I am grateful for my cancer? Maybe not grateful, but would I ever wish that it didn't happen to me if I could have it all to do over?
Honestly, I don't know right now. Sometimes I look back on what I went through and it doesn't even seem real. Did that really happen to me? It doesn't take long before I have a glance in the mirror and see my scarred body to confirm that, yes, it did.
If it weren't for the lingering specter of recurrence, I probably could get to the point of being grateful someday. Even with the lymphedema that will always be an issue in my life, I could probably get to that point. But the thought of the cancer coming back at any time really plays games with your head, because its never really over.
That being said, I can think of some things that I appreciate having gone through cancer and treatment that I would not have necessarily experienced if I did not have the experience. First of all, I have been able to experience the love, care and keeping of God in a way I never had before. It was experiential at times. It was palpable. I think of my biopsy or my surgery, when I could actually feel the presence of the Lord with me, keeping me, whispering scripture into my mind to bring me peace and calm.
I learned through experience that God's promises in the Bible are true. Things like, "I will not leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5-6) Or the promise from Joshua 1:9 that I wore on a necklace to every chemotherapy appointment: "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Even simple things like being able to sleep at night because "He gives to His beloved sleep." (Psalm 127:2) I KNOW these things are true because He did them for me. Based on that, I can rest assured that the rest of the promises in the Bible are true as well. (Which really puts one in a place of peace during these crazy times.) Even if the cancer comes back and is what ultimately makes this body die, I know based on the promises in His Word where I'll be, because "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8)
Another thing I appreciate is the fellowship of other breast cancer survivors. What an amazing bunch of people they are! Most of them not only have or are going through treatment, but they all try to help others in some way. Many do help through participating in walks or events and raising money for cancer charities. Others have informative blogs, or give back by volunteering to help run support groups and working one on one with women as they go through treatment. We don't all see eye to eye on all issues related to breast cancer, treatment, pink ribbons, etc. But we all respect each other's experience and I always feel a genuine warmth from all of them.
Having had breast cancer has certainly put the women in my family on alert, as well as many of my friends and acquaintances. If it could happen to me at 40, it can happen to anyone. Hopefully this heightened awareness will lead every woman to check her breasts regularly, know what they feel like, know what is normal so if there are any changes, she can alert her care providers immediately. I believe that is even more important than mammograms. (Remember...I had a "clean" mammogram a month before I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer!)
While I will never reach the celebrity of Bethany Hamilton, I hope that my experience has reached out and helped others. I hope that people can see evidence of God's love through my experience and be strengthened in their own faith.
So while I am not "grateful" that I had cancer, I am beginning to see how God has used it for good purposes. I know that He works all things together for the good (Romans 28:8). I pray that this list of things that I have come to appreciate grows as I reflect on the past 25 months and move forward in my "post-cancer" life.
Showing posts with label life after cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life after cancer. Show all posts
Monday, July 23, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
They said it wouldn't last....
I remember when I was in that terrible time frame of knowing I had breast cancer, but not really knowing how bad it was. I was in the throes of trying to learn a new vocabulary, make decisions about treatment, figuring out how not to go crazy with worry. I remember meeting with Kaiser's breast cancer care nurse, Judy. She coordinated everything for the newly diagnosed: breaking the news; surgeons; chemotherapy orientation classes; support groups; mastectomy products; post-surgery camisoles, etc. She was our first point person to ask questions of.
When I was diagnosed, we already knew the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes. Based on that, they were recommending chemo for systemic treatment of cancer. One of the first things I was told was that I would most likely lose my hair. When I met with Judy in person, she mentioned that when my hair grew back, it could quite possibly be curly. The "chemo curl" she called it, but she also added that it probably wouldn't last.
Sure enough, last year when it started to come back, my hair was in waves. As it grew longer, it was curly. It was a new thing for me. I spent a lot of money in the 1980's and 1990's perming my fine straight hair into waves! I didn't do much with my new curls, other than trying to keep it from being too frizzed at the ends. I always got lots of comments about the curls from people who knew me "BC" (before cancer). Even though it was kind of wild, I kind of liked it. It was easy to deal with, for the most part.
I happen to be on vacation in France right now. My mother in law happens to be a trained "coiffeuse." That is, she has spent most of her life doing other people's hair. After over 15 years of marriage, she had never cut my hair. She's done all the kids, but never mine. This trip, however, the top of my hair was driving me nuts. It was clearly too long and I couldn't do anything with it. Out of desparation, I made a comment about it. She recognized the open door and offered to help.
What the heck. Even if I hated it, I figured it will grow back, right? Besides, I've been BALD. How bad could it be? She took me downstairs, sat me in a chair and went for it.
She gave it a good whack, but had a vision in mind. In her words (roughly translated), she gave it a "shape." It is short, but again, I've been bald so its been shorter. The thing is....the curl seems to be gone.
So Judy was right. The upside of it is that it kind of mentally puts me on the road of being another step past cancer and treatment. The downside is that I'm having to spend more time on it so it doesn't look ridiculous! There are mornings when I wake up and its sticking straight up! Not so easy when not at home with my own hair "stuff," no matter how long it had been since I used them.
They said it wouldn't last...and they seem to have been right!
When I was diagnosed, we already knew the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes. Based on that, they were recommending chemo for systemic treatment of cancer. One of the first things I was told was that I would most likely lose my hair. When I met with Judy in person, she mentioned that when my hair grew back, it could quite possibly be curly. The "chemo curl" she called it, but she also added that it probably wouldn't last.
Sure enough, last year when it started to come back, my hair was in waves. As it grew longer, it was curly. It was a new thing for me. I spent a lot of money in the 1980's and 1990's perming my fine straight hair into waves! I didn't do much with my new curls, other than trying to keep it from being too frizzed at the ends. I always got lots of comments about the curls from people who knew me "BC" (before cancer). Even though it was kind of wild, I kind of liked it. It was easy to deal with, for the most part.
I happen to be on vacation in France right now. My mother in law happens to be a trained "coiffeuse." That is, she has spent most of her life doing other people's hair. After over 15 years of marriage, she had never cut my hair. She's done all the kids, but never mine. This trip, however, the top of my hair was driving me nuts. It was clearly too long and I couldn't do anything with it. Out of desparation, I made a comment about it. She recognized the open door and offered to help.
What the heck. Even if I hated it, I figured it will grow back, right? Besides, I've been BALD. How bad could it be? She took me downstairs, sat me in a chair and went for it.
She gave it a good whack, but had a vision in mind. In her words (roughly translated), she gave it a "shape." It is short, but again, I've been bald so its been shorter. The thing is....the curl seems to be gone.
So Judy was right. The upside of it is that it kind of mentally puts me on the road of being another step past cancer and treatment. The downside is that I'm having to spend more time on it so it doesn't look ridiculous! There are mornings when I wake up and its sticking straight up! Not so easy when not at home with my own hair "stuff," no matter how long it had been since I used them.
They said it wouldn't last...and they seem to have been right!
 |
| On the Paris train with my new 'do |
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Tough Chicks
As a breast cancer survivor, I have several new "notable" days to observe each year. Not all of them call for a celebration. On Sunday, June 10th, I observed the second anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. It was the day I learned for sure that I had the disease. I had to have had it for awhile, so it wasn't anything new to my body. But to my mind and spirit, it was a day that changed my life forever.
When I got off the phone with the nurse who broke the news to me two years ago, I went upstairs and did a Jillian Michaels level 3 workout. I didn't cry or freak out. I just exerted myself to nearly my max. I sweat like a dog. When I got tired, the word "CANCER....CANCER...CANCER...." reverberated in my head. Each repetition was like taking a punch. As I was stretching out afterwards, I did shed a few tears. But my mindset was not that of being a victim. I had become a warrior. Working out was training for the bigger battle for my life.
I learned through the course of my treatments that my strength did not come from myself, but it came from the Lord. If it were not for His strength, comfort, and sustenance, I would not have been able to cope with it all, physically, mentally, or spiritually. That is why when I hear this particular song, "My All in All" I literally can break into sobs. It pierces my heart. It is like "our" song. God's and mine, that is.
Wouldn't you know it? On Sunday, June 10, 2012, that was the last worship song we did in church. I couldn't sing, I just meditated on the words with my hands upraised in praise and tears rolling down my cheeks. There are no accidents. God was observing this day just as I was.
After church, mom and I drove up to Orange County to attend an event put on by the Komen affiliate in Orange County. It was a celebration of survivors with a luncheon and fashion show. One of the women I met doing the 3 Day commercial last fall invited us. (It was so fantastic to see her again, and meet her family!) I can't think of a better way to have spent that day but in the company of dozens of survivors and co-survivors. Some survivors had 20+ years. Others were still in treatment. But all of us were bound together by a common bond. One speaker referred to it as a sorority of sorts. Perhaps. I never was in a sorority in college. If it is, it is one with one heck of an initiation, to be sure. You get a two survivors together, and they can talk for hours comparing their histories, their surgeries, and all that they have done against their common enemy. And they genuinely care for one another. We live with so much in common.
One thing I am struck by so many of the survivors I meet is their strength. To get through the emotional, physical, and mental gauntlet of diagnosis, surgery, chemo, radiation, reconstruction in most cases and then living with the specter of possible recurrence requires strength. Especially to do it well. We all do the best we can do. So many of the women I met and saw on Sunday are surviving with strength and panache. It was like IN YOUR FACE, CANCER! It was so inspiring. Some of these women had battled cancer several times. One woman had a recurrence after 20 years and it was now in her bones. But she was amazing. She was a active, she was smiling, she was beautiful. She was kicking butt. I loved her.
It is one of the things that motivates me to push myself physically. It's not vanity that makes me get out of bed at 5:30 a.m. to run for an hour. Instead, it is my way of being stronger than cancer. To kick its butt. To show the world and cancer that it doesn't have me. I may have had it, but with God's strengthening and grace, I won. Even if it comes back, I won. I won't go down weak. Like other survivors, I am a tough chick!
When I got off the phone with the nurse who broke the news to me two years ago, I went upstairs and did a Jillian Michaels level 3 workout. I didn't cry or freak out. I just exerted myself to nearly my max. I sweat like a dog. When I got tired, the word "CANCER....CANCER...CANCER...." reverberated in my head. Each repetition was like taking a punch. As I was stretching out afterwards, I did shed a few tears. But my mindset was not that of being a victim. I had become a warrior. Working out was training for the bigger battle for my life.
I learned through the course of my treatments that my strength did not come from myself, but it came from the Lord. If it were not for His strength, comfort, and sustenance, I would not have been able to cope with it all, physically, mentally, or spiritually. That is why when I hear this particular song, "My All in All" I literally can break into sobs. It pierces my heart. It is like "our" song. God's and mine, that is.
You are my strength, oh God.
You are my help, oh God.
You are the One on whom I call.
You are my shield, oh God
My life I yield oh God
For you will always be my All in All
Wouldn't you know it? On Sunday, June 10, 2012, that was the last worship song we did in church. I couldn't sing, I just meditated on the words with my hands upraised in praise and tears rolling down my cheeks. There are no accidents. God was observing this day just as I was.
After church, mom and I drove up to Orange County to attend an event put on by the Komen affiliate in Orange County. It was a celebration of survivors with a luncheon and fashion show. One of the women I met doing the 3 Day commercial last fall invited us. (It was so fantastic to see her again, and meet her family!) I can't think of a better way to have spent that day but in the company of dozens of survivors and co-survivors. Some survivors had 20+ years. Others were still in treatment. But all of us were bound together by a common bond. One speaker referred to it as a sorority of sorts. Perhaps. I never was in a sorority in college. If it is, it is one with one heck of an initiation, to be sure. You get a two survivors together, and they can talk for hours comparing their histories, their surgeries, and all that they have done against their common enemy. And they genuinely care for one another. We live with so much in common.
One thing I am struck by so many of the survivors I meet is their strength. To get through the emotional, physical, and mental gauntlet of diagnosis, surgery, chemo, radiation, reconstruction in most cases and then living with the specter of possible recurrence requires strength. Especially to do it well. We all do the best we can do. So many of the women I met and saw on Sunday are surviving with strength and panache. It was like IN YOUR FACE, CANCER! It was so inspiring. Some of these women had battled cancer several times. One woman had a recurrence after 20 years and it was now in her bones. But she was amazing. She was a active, she was smiling, she was beautiful. She was kicking butt. I loved her.
It is one of the things that motivates me to push myself physically. It's not vanity that makes me get out of bed at 5:30 a.m. to run for an hour. Instead, it is my way of being stronger than cancer. To kick its butt. To show the world and cancer that it doesn't have me. I may have had it, but with God's strengthening and grace, I won. Even if it comes back, I won. I won't go down weak. Like other survivors, I am a tough chick!
 |
| TOUGH CHICKS! |
Monday, June 4, 2012
In the can...
One of my goals for 2012 was to complete three half-marathons.
Yesterday, I was able to check that one off my list.
I ran in the San Diego Rock & Roll Half Marathon. I had been planning on running with my best friend from my Junior and High School days. Sadly, she let me know a few days before the race that the situation on her end just wouldn't work out to travel to San Diego for the race. Dang! Now I had no excuse not to run fast! I had been training all along like any other race, averaging about 30 miles a week for the past month. My longest training run was 12 miles. In the last week, my "hard" runs (the long run and tempo runs) went really well. I felt strong!
My best time before yesterday was 2 hours 10 minutes, 30 seconds. My minimum goal was to beat this time. I figured if I could keep my pace around 9:30 minutes per mile, that would be no problem. Deep down, though, my ultimate goal is to complete 13.1 miles in under 2 hours. A little part of me thought....maybe I could do it today??
I woke up at 3:30 a.m. on Sunday morning. I had been hydrating well all week, and adding a few extra carbs for the past few days. It was hard to rest the night before the race. Partly because I didn't go down to San Diego to check in and get my bib and swag bag ahead of time. I paid an extra premium to be able to check in on race day. I also got to park at the finish line (Sea World), and take a shuttle to the start line (Balboa Park). I probably got only 4-5 hours of sleep the night before. That was the one thing that I wish I could have made different. It's not for a lack of trying...I went to bed plenty early. But drinking 3+ liters of water in a day has its effects, if you know what I mean....
Anyway, I got down to the parking okay. The shuttle was uneventful. However, it took a LONG time once he got off the freeway. That clued me in to how crowded it was going to be. There were over 30,000 runners registered! Everyone started at the same time...so you can imagine the congestion.
I managed to get my bib and timing chip. Once I got it on my shoe, I decided to make a pit stop at the porta potty. Even though there were dozens of them, the lines were incredibly long. I was going to have to go before the start in an hour. I figured I would wait in my corral, or wait in the toilet line! It took a long time, and I realized as I got near the front that I didn't have any kleenex. What if there wasn't any paper?? Oh man. Something to bring next time. But, as I tell Eric....Don't worry about things that aren't going to happen! There was paper, so it was all fine. I checked my bag with my sweatsuit and headed over to the corrals.
By the time I got to my corral (#25), it was just about time for the race to start: 6:15 a.m. When I signed up for this race, I had never run a half marathon, so I estimated my finish time to be 2 1/2 hours. Based on that, they assigned me to the appropriate corral, which was farther back from the faster runners in front. Corral #1 got started right at 6:15 a.m. Then every 2 minutes or so, the next corral would be let go. I figured I could overcome my position by getting in the front of my corral. Then I wouldn't have to run around everyone who might be slower than me. It sounded good in theory.
As we started to slowly creep forward, I began to think....Do I need to go to the bathroom again? Or is it mental? I waited awhile as they earlier corrals got started. I heard group #21 get let go and realized that I really DID need to go. If I didn't, I would have to go during the race, and that would affect my time. So I made a quick dash to another set of porta pots that lined the start line on Sixth Avenue. Even if I started with the next corral, it wouldn't matter. My race would start when the timing chip on my shoe crossed over the starting line.
I got out and managed to get back in my proper corral. But this time, I was more in the middle. Maybe I should have just gone to the front of #26. Who knows. I decided to stay where I was assigned. (Am I not a good girl?) By the time I got started, it was 6:52-over 30 minutes after the race had started for the elites.
During my past two half marathons, my strategy has been to pace myself. I wasn't sure I could even do 13.1 miles, so I started slow. This time, I was ducking and weaving in and out of people in my way. It was by far the most populated race I've ever done. I decided to change my strategy. I decided to run fast when I could. Usually, the first few miles are the hardest for me. Once I get 3-4 miles behind me, I go on automatic and, if its a good day, feel like I can go forever. When my first mile beeped on my Garmin at a pace of 9:26 I thought...Yes!! With all the zig zagging, I managed to make 9:26 and feel good. I can do this!
I had a really cool experience early on in the race. It was early on. I was on Park Avenue and I got this overwhelming sensation that people were praying for me. I was so overcome with emotion that I almost started crying as I ran. It's hard to explain, but it felt like a dump of Holy Spirit adrenaline. I found out later that a group of friends from church were indeed praying for me and another friend around that time. I knew my parents were praying for me, as well as other friends as well. I felt it! It was amazing!
The course itself was okay. I enjoyed the beginning when we were on city streets and running through Balboa Park. Every mile or so there was a live band playing music. It was great. Around mile 3, we went onto the 163 freeway. That was fine, but around mile 5 it started to hurt. The street was never level, it was always at a slope. Plus, I continued to have to bob and weave in between slower runners. I never realized that the 163 freeway between Balboa Park and the 8 freeway is an incline. Towards the end, one of the singers with a band commented about how we were almost at the top. Ah. That explains it. Its not that I don't do hills, but it does make it harder. (I live on a hill, so running in my neighborhood requires me to do hills.)
To make a sub-2, I knew I would have to be in the low 9 minute mile area each mile. The first several miles, I thought I could do it. I even clocked mile 4 at under 9 minutes!
I was pleasantly surprised around mile 8 to see my mom and dad by the sidelines, cheering me on. That was awesome. They parked at Qualcomm stadium and took the trolley. I knew they were planning on being at the finish, but I didn't expect them in the middle!
I kept pushing on, and felt like I was passing a lot of people. Of course, with everyone starting at a different time, that didn't mean a thing.
As the race went on, it got harder and harder. I just wanted it to be over. I still had a few miles to go. I knew I could finish...but at what time? Having my Garmin was great-I could see where I was and if I needed to speed up to make that split a better time, I could. But by mile 11, I was running out of gas. I tore open a Gu that they had given me on the route. Strawberry banana. Kind of gross (I prefer chocolate or coffee flavors). I had some and tossed the rest to the side. Mile 12 was the worst. You can't say that its your last mile, and the scenery wasn't that inspiring. I even (gasp) gave into the mind and walked a few yards. That mile was my slowest, as you can see. By then, I could do the math. I knew that I wasn't going to make 2 hours, unless something utterly miraculous happened. Honestly, me running like this was already pretty darn miraculous!
Those last miles were hard. I found myself praying....Lord....lift me up on wings like eagles.....run and not grow weary.....run and not grow weary....You're my strength and my shield....You give me strength...set me up on high mountains....and stuff like that. Scripture, really. Not so much original thought, other than ....God get me through this!
As Sea World came into view, I tried to keep up the pace. I knew it was going to be over soon. I decided to scan the crowd and look for my parents. I saw them right around the 13 mile mark. They were situated on a corner. I was able to wave to them long before I got there. It really does give you energy to have a friendly face in the crowd.
I managed to have a little bit left in the tank to push it a bit at the very end---you can see my last split was under 9 minutes per mile. But I was so glad when it was done! I knew I would be glad to have done it, and I am. But man, a lot of it was hard, and hurt! But you know, anything in life worth doing that is going to pay off is going to be hard. Otherwise, what is the point? If everything comes easy, then nothing will make you stronger.
Cancer made me stronger. It sucked. It was hard. It was scary. It has made me appreciate what I am able to do today. I never will be the same as I was before my diagnosis. It's always in the back of my mind. But I'm stronger for it. That's not to say if I could go back in time and divinely decide not to have it happen I would choose it. But God has a plan for me, and cancer was part of it. I hope I am able to glorify Him through all that I do because He has given me the strength to do whatever it is I do post-diagnosis. Whether that is recovering from surgery, making it to chemo, or exercising with radiation burns. HE is my deliverer!
So I finished. I accomplished my first goal...to beat my time. I finished in 2:04:10. I was a little disappointed not to break the 2 hour mark. But out of my age group of fortysomethings, I came in at 209th out of 1,443. I can't complain about that! In fact, I'm pretty exited about it.
Where do I go from here?
Well, this is my last "long" race of 2012. I've signed up for a few 5ks, and I've got the 3 Day Walk in November. The family and I are going to France in a couple weeks. Once I get back, I need to start to transition my mindset into walking rather than running. It's going to be hard. Running is so awesome. Not to mention efficient-I burn twice the calories in half the time. This year, I want to keep running a little, even through walking season. I want to keep at least a 5k in me. I've signed up for the Carlsbad 1/2 marathon in January, and I don't want to be starting from scratch! I've also decided to do what's called the "Triple Crown" in San Diego in 2013. It's a series of 3 half marathons: Carlsbad in January; La Jolla in April; and San Diego (America's Finest City) in August.
People keep asking me....do you think you'll ever do a full marathon? Gosh. The idea of 26.2 miles seems way out of reach. But you know? Not too long ago, 13.1 sounded ridiculous! Heck, I've walked 60 miles in a weekend! So maybe in 2014, that will be a goal. One thing I know for sure. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!
Yesterday, I was able to check that one off my list.
I ran in the San Diego Rock & Roll Half Marathon. I had been planning on running with my best friend from my Junior and High School days. Sadly, she let me know a few days before the race that the situation on her end just wouldn't work out to travel to San Diego for the race. Dang! Now I had no excuse not to run fast! I had been training all along like any other race, averaging about 30 miles a week for the past month. My longest training run was 12 miles. In the last week, my "hard" runs (the long run and tempo runs) went really well. I felt strong!
My best time before yesterday was 2 hours 10 minutes, 30 seconds. My minimum goal was to beat this time. I figured if I could keep my pace around 9:30 minutes per mile, that would be no problem. Deep down, though, my ultimate goal is to complete 13.1 miles in under 2 hours. A little part of me thought....maybe I could do it today??
I woke up at 3:30 a.m. on Sunday morning. I had been hydrating well all week, and adding a few extra carbs for the past few days. It was hard to rest the night before the race. Partly because I didn't go down to San Diego to check in and get my bib and swag bag ahead of time. I paid an extra premium to be able to check in on race day. I also got to park at the finish line (Sea World), and take a shuttle to the start line (Balboa Park). I probably got only 4-5 hours of sleep the night before. That was the one thing that I wish I could have made different. It's not for a lack of trying...I went to bed plenty early. But drinking 3+ liters of water in a day has its effects, if you know what I mean....
Anyway, I got down to the parking okay. The shuttle was uneventful. However, it took a LONG time once he got off the freeway. That clued me in to how crowded it was going to be. There were over 30,000 runners registered! Everyone started at the same time...so you can imagine the congestion.
I managed to get my bib and timing chip. Once I got it on my shoe, I decided to make a pit stop at the porta potty. Even though there were dozens of them, the lines were incredibly long. I was going to have to go before the start in an hour. I figured I would wait in my corral, or wait in the toilet line! It took a long time, and I realized as I got near the front that I didn't have any kleenex. What if there wasn't any paper?? Oh man. Something to bring next time. But, as I tell Eric....Don't worry about things that aren't going to happen! There was paper, so it was all fine. I checked my bag with my sweatsuit and headed over to the corrals.
By the time I got to my corral (#25), it was just about time for the race to start: 6:15 a.m. When I signed up for this race, I had never run a half marathon, so I estimated my finish time to be 2 1/2 hours. Based on that, they assigned me to the appropriate corral, which was farther back from the faster runners in front. Corral #1 got started right at 6:15 a.m. Then every 2 minutes or so, the next corral would be let go. I figured I could overcome my position by getting in the front of my corral. Then I wouldn't have to run around everyone who might be slower than me. It sounded good in theory.
As we started to slowly creep forward, I began to think....Do I need to go to the bathroom again? Or is it mental? I waited awhile as they earlier corrals got started. I heard group #21 get let go and realized that I really DID need to go. If I didn't, I would have to go during the race, and that would affect my time. So I made a quick dash to another set of porta pots that lined the start line on Sixth Avenue. Even if I started with the next corral, it wouldn't matter. My race would start when the timing chip on my shoe crossed over the starting line.
I got out and managed to get back in my proper corral. But this time, I was more in the middle. Maybe I should have just gone to the front of #26. Who knows. I decided to stay where I was assigned. (Am I not a good girl?) By the time I got started, it was 6:52-over 30 minutes after the race had started for the elites.
During my past two half marathons, my strategy has been to pace myself. I wasn't sure I could even do 13.1 miles, so I started slow. This time, I was ducking and weaving in and out of people in my way. It was by far the most populated race I've ever done. I decided to change my strategy. I decided to run fast when I could. Usually, the first few miles are the hardest for me. Once I get 3-4 miles behind me, I go on automatic and, if its a good day, feel like I can go forever. When my first mile beeped on my Garmin at a pace of 9:26 I thought...Yes!! With all the zig zagging, I managed to make 9:26 and feel good. I can do this!
I had a really cool experience early on in the race. It was early on. I was on Park Avenue and I got this overwhelming sensation that people were praying for me. I was so overcome with emotion that I almost started crying as I ran. It's hard to explain, but it felt like a dump of Holy Spirit adrenaline. I found out later that a group of friends from church were indeed praying for me and another friend around that time. I knew my parents were praying for me, as well as other friends as well. I felt it! It was amazing!
The course itself was okay. I enjoyed the beginning when we were on city streets and running through Balboa Park. Every mile or so there was a live band playing music. It was great. Around mile 3, we went onto the 163 freeway. That was fine, but around mile 5 it started to hurt. The street was never level, it was always at a slope. Plus, I continued to have to bob and weave in between slower runners. I never realized that the 163 freeway between Balboa Park and the 8 freeway is an incline. Towards the end, one of the singers with a band commented about how we were almost at the top. Ah. That explains it. Its not that I don't do hills, but it does make it harder. (I live on a hill, so running in my neighborhood requires me to do hills.)
I was pleasantly surprised around mile 8 to see my mom and dad by the sidelines, cheering me on. That was awesome. They parked at Qualcomm stadium and took the trolley. I knew they were planning on being at the finish, but I didn't expect them in the middle!
I kept pushing on, and felt like I was passing a lot of people. Of course, with everyone starting at a different time, that didn't mean a thing.
As the race went on, it got harder and harder. I just wanted it to be over. I still had a few miles to go. I knew I could finish...but at what time? Having my Garmin was great-I could see where I was and if I needed to speed up to make that split a better time, I could. But by mile 11, I was running out of gas. I tore open a Gu that they had given me on the route. Strawberry banana. Kind of gross (I prefer chocolate or coffee flavors). I had some and tossed the rest to the side. Mile 12 was the worst. You can't say that its your last mile, and the scenery wasn't that inspiring. I even (gasp) gave into the mind and walked a few yards. That mile was my slowest, as you can see. By then, I could do the math. I knew that I wasn't going to make 2 hours, unless something utterly miraculous happened. Honestly, me running like this was already pretty darn miraculous!
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| Almost done....I passed the Chinese dragon! |
As Sea World came into view, I tried to keep up the pace. I knew it was going to be over soon. I decided to scan the crowd and look for my parents. I saw them right around the 13 mile mark. They were situated on a corner. I was able to wave to them long before I got there. It really does give you energy to have a friendly face in the crowd.
I managed to have a little bit left in the tank to push it a bit at the very end---you can see my last split was under 9 minutes per mile. But I was so glad when it was done! I knew I would be glad to have done it, and I am. But man, a lot of it was hard, and hurt! But you know, anything in life worth doing that is going to pay off is going to be hard. Otherwise, what is the point? If everything comes easy, then nothing will make you stronger.
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| Mom and dad found me after the race...a miracle! |
Cancer made me stronger. It sucked. It was hard. It was scary. It has made me appreciate what I am able to do today. I never will be the same as I was before my diagnosis. It's always in the back of my mind. But I'm stronger for it. That's not to say if I could go back in time and divinely decide not to have it happen I would choose it. But God has a plan for me, and cancer was part of it. I hope I am able to glorify Him through all that I do because He has given me the strength to do whatever it is I do post-diagnosis. Whether that is recovering from surgery, making it to chemo, or exercising with radiation burns. HE is my deliverer!
So I finished. I accomplished my first goal...to beat my time. I finished in 2:04:10. I was a little disappointed not to break the 2 hour mark. But out of my age group of fortysomethings, I came in at 209th out of 1,443. I can't complain about that! In fact, I'm pretty exited about it.
Where do I go from here?
Well, this is my last "long" race of 2012. I've signed up for a few 5ks, and I've got the 3 Day Walk in November. The family and I are going to France in a couple weeks. Once I get back, I need to start to transition my mindset into walking rather than running. It's going to be hard. Running is so awesome. Not to mention efficient-I burn twice the calories in half the time. This year, I want to keep running a little, even through walking season. I want to keep at least a 5k in me. I've signed up for the Carlsbad 1/2 marathon in January, and I don't want to be starting from scratch! I've also decided to do what's called the "Triple Crown" in San Diego in 2013. It's a series of 3 half marathons: Carlsbad in January; La Jolla in April; and San Diego (America's Finest City) in August.
People keep asking me....do you think you'll ever do a full marathon? Gosh. The idea of 26.2 miles seems way out of reach. But you know? Not too long ago, 13.1 sounded ridiculous! Heck, I've walked 60 miles in a weekend! So maybe in 2014, that will be a goal. One thing I know for sure. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Teenager in the house!
My oldest child, Olivier, is turning 13 years old.
It is really strange to think I will have a teenage kid. I'm not old enough to have one of those, am I?
Many people see the aging of their kids as a sign of themselves aging. They don't like it because it reminds them that they are also getting old. While it is a strange thing to see, I'm not one of those people.
It is bittersweet to remember those early days when Olivier was a little baby and toddler. He was a pretty easy baby and I learned a lot from his cesarean birth. Now I see flashes of adolescence and in some moments, flashes of adult maturity. He's still a good kid, too. :-)
I realized a few days ago that I am happy to see this milestone come. Yes, I am getting older. But that means that I am still alive! I remember early after my diagnosis reading stories of women who lost their battles with cancer and left young children behind. (I don't recommend reading these stories to the newly diagnosed....it was very upsetting, especially before I knew exactly how extensive my own cancer was.) I wept over these poor families to lose a mom at such a tender age. Leaving my kids is the one thing that I don't want to do. Personally, I'm not afraid to die. I know where I am going when this life is over. But I don't like the idea of how it would impact them not to have me around in this life.
I will never complain about getting older-bring on the birthdays! I also will treasure each of my kids' birthdays and being able to see the people they are growing to become. Thank you, Lord, for this time!
It is really strange to think I will have a teenage kid. I'm not old enough to have one of those, am I?
Many people see the aging of their kids as a sign of themselves aging. They don't like it because it reminds them that they are also getting old. While it is a strange thing to see, I'm not one of those people.
It is bittersweet to remember those early days when Olivier was a little baby and toddler. He was a pretty easy baby and I learned a lot from his cesarean birth. Now I see flashes of adolescence and in some moments, flashes of adult maturity. He's still a good kid, too. :-)
I realized a few days ago that I am happy to see this milestone come. Yes, I am getting older. But that means that I am still alive! I remember early after my diagnosis reading stories of women who lost their battles with cancer and left young children behind. (I don't recommend reading these stories to the newly diagnosed....it was very upsetting, especially before I knew exactly how extensive my own cancer was.) I wept over these poor families to lose a mom at such a tender age. Leaving my kids is the one thing that I don't want to do. Personally, I'm not afraid to die. I know where I am going when this life is over. But I don't like the idea of how it would impact them not to have me around in this life.
I will never complain about getting older-bring on the birthdays! I also will treasure each of my kids' birthdays and being able to see the people they are growing to become. Thank you, Lord, for this time!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Life goes on, right?
I have my six month oncologist check up next week. Friday the 13th. Good thing I'm not superstitious, isn't it? I can't help but feel a bit anxious about it. Jennifer Griffin, the Fox News correspondent/breast cancer survivor, likened it to having a meeting with your parole officer. You live in the world, doing the things that you are expected and supposed to do. You get your kids to school, dinner on the table, and errands run. On the outside, you look normal. Most of the time, you feel normal. Some days several hours go by without thinking about what is now a part of my life: cancer. But you have this appointment that takes you back to the reality that for the rest of my life, I need to be on guard for the disease to rear its ugly head again. Just like going to a parole officer would remind an ex-con that he was in a bad place and isn't really yet free.
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| Isabelle and I at the Carlsbad 5000 last weekend. |
I have no suspicious symptoms. I feel strong. I'm running 25-30 miles a week. I'm planning activities and things assuming I have a long life to live. I'm signing up for races-I signed up for the Carlsbad Half Marathon in January 2013. I'm working on my fluency in French. But just the fact that I have to go back to see Dr. P triggers a little bit of anxiety. After all, when I was diagnosed, I felt great too.
What if? What if? What if?
I can really psych myself out. Dr. P said if I have pain that doesn't go away, that's a concern. The mind is such a powerful organ. If I think about it, I can actually feel sensations that I don't think are there. I'm pretty sure its not real because if I think about it and take a few deep breaths, it goes away. I'm getting better about the paranoia. The bible study from Hebrews really helped me in this respect. One of the "take home" principles I learned was that regardless of what my circumstances may be, God has promised me many wonderful things in His Word. Eternal things. Things that will last, unlike this life. (Cancer or not.) When I start to feel anxious, I simply remember one of the many promises from the Bible. It could be "No eye has seen nor ear has heard nor have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9) I'm so grateful to have the Word of God!
There are a couple things I want to ask Dr. P while there. I've been taking Tamoxifen for 15 months now. He originally had said I should take it for 2 years, and then they would "see" if I am officially post-menopausal. Then they would switch me to a different medication, Arimidex, I think. I asked him why, and he said the outcomes were better. I'm wondering if we can just "see" now if I'm ready for it. I also want another Vitamin D test to see what my levels are now. I've been supplementing 6,000 IU every day, and experimenting with a liquid form. Has it made a difference?
I'm expecting a routine appointment with him asking me how I feel, if I'm going to get reconstructed. The things he asks every time. I have no reason to think otherwise. But still...I'm not really free.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Randomness
I can't seem to focus for my blog right now. I've started a few different posts, but just can't seem to get them finished. I even started a post on the whole controversy about Susan G. Komen/Planned Parenthood, but didn't get around to finishing it. So this post is going to be a stream of consciousness, random listing of stuff that has been floating around my head.
- I'm training for my next half marathon, the San Diego Half Marathon, which is coming up on March 11th. I'm hoping to keep as close to a 10 minute mile pace for the duration of the race. I'm excited about the race. Races are so much more fun than training! The shirt we get looks cool, and even cooler...Meb Keflezighi (2004 Olympic silver medalist, 2009 New York City Marathon winner and Team USA’s #1 Marathoner at the London 2012 Olympic Games) will be the honorary starter.
- I'm tired of all the Komen bashing. Yeah, they made a mistake which ended up making EVERYONE mad at them. Many of the harshest critics were critics before the brouhaha over affiliates being able to grant money (or not) to Planned Parenthood. The whole thing made me really examine whether or not I was going to continue to support them by walking in the 3 Day this year. I decided that I will. Komen has done a lot of good in advancing the conversation about breast cancer, in educating the public, in bringing awareness to the disease. Maybe they don't spend their money the way critics would like. This is America. Komen is a private charity. They can spend their money the way they see fit. If you don't like it, support another charity. But above all, everyone....PLEASE BE NICE! (And no flames, please.)
- If you do want to support me in the 3 Day, I need to raise at least $2,300 by November 16th. You can go to this page and donate online. I'd really appreciate it.
- If you are a pro-life person and are concerned that supporting to my 3 Day effort will raise money that will go to Planned Parenthood, fear not. I did some research on the San Diego affiliate's website. 75% of the funds raised stay local and are doled out to grant applicants. 25% of the funds go to Komen national where they grant research money. Planned Parenthood is NOT a grantee in San Diego. You can learn more about where the local money goes and local funding priorities here.
- I'm really sore today! I did an 11.3 mile run on Wednesday, my last long run before the next race. Then the next day (yesterday), I had a session with my trainer at the gym. She had me do this one exercise that was a doozy. Try it! Lay on your back with your hands under your tush. Put your legs straight out, and lift them off the floor several inches. Now trace the alphabet in the air with your feet. A to Z. Keep the feet up in the air! She had me do it 3 times! My hip flexors have never been so sore! But its a good sore...it is making me stronger! Hoo-ya!
- My bible study in the book of Hebrews has been wonderful. I've been given the opportunity to do a little teaching every other week. It has been a little scary, but by the grace of God I've done it. Amazing how much I've learned about God by going through breast cancer. Amazing how much more there is for me to learn!
- I keep feeling like I need to write a book. Not just a re-hashing of this blog, but something relevant that will help other people facing breast cancer themselves or in a loved one. Pray for me to have insight and wisdom as I consider this.
- My brother, a Captain in the U.S. Army, is set to deploy soon to Afghanistan. The coverage I see on TV about what is going on over there sickens me. Please pray for all of our troops, and for wisdom in our military leaders. If it were up to me, I'd bring them all home. I fully supported the effort back in 2001, but enough is enough. I don't think man can ever solve the problems that are so deeply ingrained over there. I'll stop there before I go off on a political rant.
That's all I have time for now. I hope to be more faithful about updating the blog. In a way, no news is good news, right?
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wrapping up the year
I know it sounds cliche, but 2011 flew by.
But in some ways, the early parts of it seem like a distant dream. I didn't finish with radiation until February 17th. The first week of 2011 found me driving to Escondido each day to get zapped with radiation. Was that really me? I didn't have much hair, but it was starting to grow back in.
I found a new normal in 2011. Another cliche, I know. Of course, there will always be concern about a recurrence. But for the most part, I managed to fall into a routine of shuttling kids around to school and activities, making exercise a priority, church, and continuing my family's menu of organic cooking.
Last year at this time, I resolved to lose the last 10 pounds. Well, that didn't happen. But it will happen this year. Maybe even 15. I have been on Tamoxifen for the past year, and that has caused weight gain in some women. At least I've maintained my weight since then. But I'm not going to use the medication as an excuse. Although I've been working out pretty strenuously 6 days a week, I tend to snack in the afternoons and overdo it a bit at dinner. So I'm buckling down and starting tomorrow will be back to the formula that worked for me to lose 50 pounds in 2009-10: counting calories. I'm going to cut out all alcohol as well. I've enjoyed the holiday fare, but its time to get down to business. If I just control what I put in my mouth, with my exercise regimen, the excess should melt away. Right?? Right!
Another change I'm making that will help me in this area is with a personal trainer. For my birthday last October, Mom and dad got me an introductory 3 sessions with a trainer at my gym. Because the gym kind of spoiled the surprise, they gave me an additional 2 sessions. I enjoyed it so much that I went ahead and bought myself 10 more sessions, (Merry Christmas to me!) Not knowing this, Eric bought me 3 more! So I have 13 more sessions and will start seeing my trainer every Thursday. She knows my fitness goals and I'll have another person to be accountable to.
2012 is going to be the year of the half marathon. I'm going to do my first one at Disneyland next month. Training for that has had me running 4 days a week for about 20-25 miles a week. I would like to do a total of three half marathons in 2012, but I need to get them done before August so I can slow it down to a walk to train for the 3 Day in November. Yes, I signed up for the 3 Day again. While I did not enjoy the training until we got up into walking 10+ miles at a time, the event itself was an amazing and uplifting experience. I've met several other survivors in the process and the 3 Day community is incredible. Besides, if I'm going to be in the commercials urging everyone to "join us," I had better be there, hadn't I?
I'm looking forward to being more disciplined in my devotional life as well. Our women's bible study for the Spring is going to start in early January. We are going to be studying the book of Hebrews. I've been asked to do a little bit of teaching and hitting the main points of the weekly lessons. I'm a little nervous about it, since I've never done anything like this. It is definitely going to be a motivator for me to find the time daily to study the Bible and spend some quiet time at the feet of the Lord so I can hear what He has to say.
I've also decided to write a book. I gave a talk to the women at our church last October about my journey with breast cancer. In preparing for it, I had 32 pages of outlined notes! I would like to make part of it into a book that can help other people who are facing similar circumstances. If nothing else, it will be cathartic for me! Its not going to be a rehash of this blog, though. Stay tuned and find out.
2011 was a much better year for me than 2010, to be sure. I'm looking forward to 2012 being even better. Thank you for caring enough to read my blog and follow along with me. I appreciate you all and wish you a very Happy and Healthy new year!
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| February 2011 |
I found a new normal in 2011. Another cliche, I know. Of course, there will always be concern about a recurrence. But for the most part, I managed to fall into a routine of shuttling kids around to school and activities, making exercise a priority, church, and continuing my family's menu of organic cooking.
Last year at this time, I resolved to lose the last 10 pounds. Well, that didn't happen. But it will happen this year. Maybe even 15. I have been on Tamoxifen for the past year, and that has caused weight gain in some women. At least I've maintained my weight since then. But I'm not going to use the medication as an excuse. Although I've been working out pretty strenuously 6 days a week, I tend to snack in the afternoons and overdo it a bit at dinner. So I'm buckling down and starting tomorrow will be back to the formula that worked for me to lose 50 pounds in 2009-10: counting calories. I'm going to cut out all alcohol as well. I've enjoyed the holiday fare, but its time to get down to business. If I just control what I put in my mouth, with my exercise regimen, the excess should melt away. Right?? Right!
Another change I'm making that will help me in this area is with a personal trainer. For my birthday last October, Mom and dad got me an introductory 3 sessions with a trainer at my gym. Because the gym kind of spoiled the surprise, they gave me an additional 2 sessions. I enjoyed it so much that I went ahead and bought myself 10 more sessions, (Merry Christmas to me!) Not knowing this, Eric bought me 3 more! So I have 13 more sessions and will start seeing my trainer every Thursday. She knows my fitness goals and I'll have another person to be accountable to.
2012 is going to be the year of the half marathon. I'm going to do my first one at Disneyland next month. Training for that has had me running 4 days a week for about 20-25 miles a week. I would like to do a total of three half marathons in 2012, but I need to get them done before August so I can slow it down to a walk to train for the 3 Day in November. Yes, I signed up for the 3 Day again. While I did not enjoy the training until we got up into walking 10+ miles at a time, the event itself was an amazing and uplifting experience. I've met several other survivors in the process and the 3 Day community is incredible. Besides, if I'm going to be in the commercials urging everyone to "join us," I had better be there, hadn't I?
I'm looking forward to being more disciplined in my devotional life as well. Our women's bible study for the Spring is going to start in early January. We are going to be studying the book of Hebrews. I've been asked to do a little bit of teaching and hitting the main points of the weekly lessons. I'm a little nervous about it, since I've never done anything like this. It is definitely going to be a motivator for me to find the time daily to study the Bible and spend some quiet time at the feet of the Lord so I can hear what He has to say.
I've also decided to write a book. I gave a talk to the women at our church last October about my journey with breast cancer. In preparing for it, I had 32 pages of outlined notes! I would like to make part of it into a book that can help other people who are facing similar circumstances. If nothing else, it will be cathartic for me! Its not going to be a rehash of this blog, though. Stay tuned and find out.
2011 was a much better year for me than 2010, to be sure. I'm looking forward to 2012 being even better. Thank you for caring enough to read my blog and follow along with me. I appreciate you all and wish you a very Happy and Healthy new year!
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| My boys and I on Christmas Eve |
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Changing changes
Our hot water heater went out last weekend. Of course, Eric was out of town at the time and I had to deal with it over the weekend until he got back. A repair company came in and installed a temporary unit so we could dry out some drywall in the garage and decide what kind of heater we wanted to replace it with. The temporary heater didn't keep water hot for very long, so it wasn't until Tuesday we were able to get a new permanent heater.
What does this mundane household drama have to do with breast cancer?
Because of the water situation, I decided that after my workout at the gym on Monday morning, I would just take a towel and use the showers at the gym. No biggie, I've done that before-especially if I had been swimming laps.
I've never been self-conscious in a women's locker room about changing out in the open. Most people do, and we're all women. Whatever. Even being overweight, I would just do it quickly and be done with it. But after I got there, I realized that I didn't really feel comfortable being bare chested in front of strangers, even if it was for just a couple seconds. I don't know if people take notice that I'm uber-flat. Especially at the gym, when I actually like being unhindered by floppy breasts while I work out. But my bare chest still looks like a freak show. I've got huge jagged horizontal scars running from side to side. I can only imagine the reaction it would raise. I don't blame anyone for it...it would be one of those instinctual things that you couldn't control. I mean, I still do it to myself at times when I see myself in the mirror! How could I blame others for having the same reaction?
I handled the situation by bringing my fresh T-shirt into the shower area with me and changing it in the shower. (I chose one of my 3 Day team shirts that says "Survivor" on the sleeve just in case anyone had any questions.) Then I wrapped a towel around myself and made it out to the locker area and got dressed the rest of the way. In the end, there weren't that many ladies there, and I probably could have just changed in the open. But still....there was that never before felt element of self-consciousness that I was able to avoid.
It wasn't an earth shattering event. But it did give me pause to reflect on how some things that I took for granted "BC" will forever be different, even the simple things like getting dressed in a locker room!
What does this mundane household drama have to do with breast cancer?
Because of the water situation, I decided that after my workout at the gym on Monday morning, I would just take a towel and use the showers at the gym. No biggie, I've done that before-especially if I had been swimming laps.
I've never been self-conscious in a women's locker room about changing out in the open. Most people do, and we're all women. Whatever. Even being overweight, I would just do it quickly and be done with it. But after I got there, I realized that I didn't really feel comfortable being bare chested in front of strangers, even if it was for just a couple seconds. I don't know if people take notice that I'm uber-flat. Especially at the gym, when I actually like being unhindered by floppy breasts while I work out. But my bare chest still looks like a freak show. I've got huge jagged horizontal scars running from side to side. I can only imagine the reaction it would raise. I don't blame anyone for it...it would be one of those instinctual things that you couldn't control. I mean, I still do it to myself at times when I see myself in the mirror! How could I blame others for having the same reaction?
I handled the situation by bringing my fresh T-shirt into the shower area with me and changing it in the shower. (I chose one of my 3 Day team shirts that says "Survivor" on the sleeve just in case anyone had any questions.) Then I wrapped a towel around myself and made it out to the locker area and got dressed the rest of the way. In the end, there weren't that many ladies there, and I probably could have just changed in the open. But still....there was that never before felt element of self-consciousness that I was able to avoid.
It wasn't an earth shattering event. But it did give me pause to reflect on how some things that I took for granted "BC" will forever be different, even the simple things like getting dressed in a locker room!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Hoofin' it
My days these days are filled with steps. Steps, steps, steps. Miles and miles are being logged as I train for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure. Honestly, if I had known how much time would be consumed in training for this event, I may not have signed up.
On the other hand, it is really a physical challenge. A year ago while in the middle of chemo, this was on my list of things to do once I was done with treatment. I signed up for it while in the middle of radiation. I was determined!
The thing is, you don't just go out and walk 20 miles. Or you might, but then could you get up and do the same thing the next day? And then the next? The bottom line is, you have to train. Even though I wasn't "out" of shape when I began training, I definitely felt the difference in long distance walking. I'm following a suggested 16 week training program. This is week 10. They "suggest" you walk 4 days, cross train for 2, and rest for 1. My walks this week are 4, 5, 9, and 12 miles.
Mom and I meet at least once a week, usually Wednesdays, while Jean-Marc is in preschool. We literally walk all morning. Yesterday, we logged 9 miles. My problem is that it takes so darn long to walk! Fortunately, Jean-Marc is in preschool 3 days a week. He likes to stay an extra hour and eat a sack lunch we bring him. That's good, because it gives me extra time. But even at that, its pretty much impossible to do more than 10 miles in that amount of time.
Tomorrow, I plan to do 12 miles. To get it in, I'll wake up at 5 a.m., and put in 3 miles before the kids wake up. Then I can be home, get everyone breakfasted and ready for school, anddo my morning taxi shift. take the kids to school. Mom will meet me at Jean-Marc's preschool and then we'll head over to a nearby area where I have mapped out a nice 9.31 mile course.
Mom and I are having a good time spending the time together, that is definitely a plus. Other than the time involved, the other downside is that for all of the effort I'm putting in, I'm only burning about half the calories in twice the amount of time! Oh well.
I do want to keep my feet into the running community, though. Last weekend, mom and I ran a 5k. I just wanted to see if I could still run. Not only did I run, but I managed to have a personal record time of 27:30. Even better...I got a medal! What a shock that was! I was 3rd in my age group (40-49). I would have been happy with the personal best, since this course was much hillier than the one was last April in Carlsbad. But to get a medal on top of it was sweet! Mom medaled too-she got 2nd in her age group, and it was her first 5k!
One other thing I'm newly determined to do is become fluent in French. During our vacation last summer, I realized that I had been a part of this extended French family for 15 years and how well do they really know me if I can't truly express myself? So I'm working through Rosetta Stone level 2 and will be ordering levels 3-5 as well. Every Saturday, we are having "French Day" in our home. Everyone must speak only French to each other that day. It's a little exhausting for me by the end of the day, but c'est la vie!
My life right now revolves around my training, my kids and family, my linguistics and my God. (LOL, not necessarily in that order!) That's a far cry better than a year ago when I was struggling with my hair falling out. If I don't update much, please forgive me. I'm probably either ferrying kids around, or out walking the streets of North County San Diego!
On the other hand, it is really a physical challenge. A year ago while in the middle of chemo, this was on my list of things to do once I was done with treatment. I signed up for it while in the middle of radiation. I was determined!
The thing is, you don't just go out and walk 20 miles. Or you might, but then could you get up and do the same thing the next day? And then the next? The bottom line is, you have to train. Even though I wasn't "out" of shape when I began training, I definitely felt the difference in long distance walking. I'm following a suggested 16 week training program. This is week 10. They "suggest" you walk 4 days, cross train for 2, and rest for 1. My walks this week are 4, 5, 9, and 12 miles.
Mom and I meet at least once a week, usually Wednesdays, while Jean-Marc is in preschool. We literally walk all morning. Yesterday, we logged 9 miles. My problem is that it takes so darn long to walk! Fortunately, Jean-Marc is in preschool 3 days a week. He likes to stay an extra hour and eat a sack lunch we bring him. That's good, because it gives me extra time. But even at that, its pretty much impossible to do more than 10 miles in that amount of time.
Tomorrow, I plan to do 12 miles. To get it in, I'll wake up at 5 a.m., and put in 3 miles before the kids wake up. Then I can be home, get everyone breakfasted and ready for school, and
Mom and I are having a good time spending the time together, that is definitely a plus. Other than the time involved, the other downside is that for all of the effort I'm putting in, I'm only burning about half the calories in twice the amount of time! Oh well.
I do want to keep my feet into the running community, though. Last weekend, mom and I ran a 5k. I just wanted to see if I could still run. Not only did I run, but I managed to have a personal record time of 27:30. Even better...I got a medal! What a shock that was! I was 3rd in my age group (40-49). I would have been happy with the personal best, since this course was much hillier than the one was last April in Carlsbad. But to get a medal on top of it was sweet! Mom medaled too-she got 2nd in her age group, and it was her first 5k!
My life right now revolves around my training, my kids and family, my linguistics and my God. (LOL, not necessarily in that order!) That's a far cry better than a year ago when I was struggling with my hair falling out. If I don't update much, please forgive me. I'm probably either ferrying kids around, or out walking the streets of North County San Diego!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
August already??
Time flies when you are having fun, I guess. This summer is simply flying by. To be sure, this summer has been so much better for our family than last summer. At this time last year, I was recovering from surgery, and preparing for chemotherapy.
Now I'm preparing for taking the whole family to France! We used to go as a family more often, but as our family grew, it got expensive. I know it sounds glamorous, and maybe some parts of it are. But we are visiting my in laws. Eric's mom turns 80 years old in August, so we are going in part to celebrate that milestone. The last time I was in France was at Christmas when I was pregnant with Jean-Marc.
So much has changed for me in 3 1/2 years! I had a baby. I lost 50 pounds. I've been through a double mastectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation. I have lymphedema. I'm paying MUCH more attention to what I eat and how much. I'm training to walk 60 miles in 3 days. I'm probably addicted to exercise. I'm going to do as best as I can at keeping with my exercise program and making good choices about what goes into my body, at least as much as I am able to. I don't want to be an irritating guest who is overly picky and annoying, though. When in Rome.....
I am looking forward to a few days with Eric in Strasbourg. His company is headquartered there, so he has a couple of days to work. That justifies them paying for his airfare. I'm going to go with him on the TGV and explore the city while he works. I should be able to log several walking miles that way! We also will be shown the area by Eric's boss and his wife. It should be fun. I also hope we can take the kids to visit the Verdun battlefield with the kids. Eric's grandfather fought in that battle during World War 1.
I am a little concerned about the lymphedema issue. My hand and arm have been pretty good this summer. In fact, I've slacked off on massaging and bandaging a little bit. My arm is doing good, but 12+ hours at 33,000+ feet may have an impact. My plan is to wear my new compression garment on the flight and bring my bandaging supplies and wrap at night when I get there. I sure hope that is enough to prevent an episode of swelling. It would be miserable to have to bandage during the daytime!
I also want to be able to keep training for the 3-Day walk. I've been logging about 30 miles a week so far. The training schedule had an easier week last week, but I kept the mileage up. I figure my "easy" week will be one of the ones abroad. I've got a few Jillian DVD's on my iPhone that I can do. I'll do what I can. Not only do I want to keep exercising for all of the physical health reasons I do now, but it keeps me sane. I'll need that after a few days at the in-laws! We get along okay, but its always hard away from home. We'll be 7 people sharing 1 bathroom! Oy!
As you can imagine, there is a lot of logistical planning that goes into taking the whole crew on such a long trip. Not only that, but we get back less than 48 hours before the kids start school! I will have 3 kids at 3 different schools. Olivier in middle school, Isabelle in the 5th grade at the Elementary school, and Jean-Marc will start preschool 3 days a week. Right now, I don't have a carpool arranged for the middle school. Adding that to the kids' extra-curricular activities, I'm gearing up to be "mom's taxi." Needless to say, I've been pretty busy the last week or two getting the kids ready for school as well as getting us all ready for this trip.
So this trip for us signals the end of summer. Sigh. Can it already be over so soon?
My prayer requests:
Now I'm preparing for taking the whole family to France! We used to go as a family more often, but as our family grew, it got expensive. I know it sounds glamorous, and maybe some parts of it are. But we are visiting my in laws. Eric's mom turns 80 years old in August, so we are going in part to celebrate that milestone. The last time I was in France was at Christmas when I was pregnant with Jean-Marc.
So much has changed for me in 3 1/2 years! I had a baby. I lost 50 pounds. I've been through a double mastectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation. I have lymphedema. I'm paying MUCH more attention to what I eat and how much. I'm training to walk 60 miles in 3 days. I'm probably addicted to exercise. I'm going to do as best as I can at keeping with my exercise program and making good choices about what goes into my body, at least as much as I am able to. I don't want to be an irritating guest who is overly picky and annoying, though. When in Rome.....
I am looking forward to a few days with Eric in Strasbourg. His company is headquartered there, so he has a couple of days to work. That justifies them paying for his airfare. I'm going to go with him on the TGV and explore the city while he works. I should be able to log several walking miles that way! We also will be shown the area by Eric's boss and his wife. It should be fun. I also hope we can take the kids to visit the Verdun battlefield with the kids. Eric's grandfather fought in that battle during World War 1.
I am a little concerned about the lymphedema issue. My hand and arm have been pretty good this summer. In fact, I've slacked off on massaging and bandaging a little bit. My arm is doing good, but 12+ hours at 33,000+ feet may have an impact. My plan is to wear my new compression garment on the flight and bring my bandaging supplies and wrap at night when I get there. I sure hope that is enough to prevent an episode of swelling. It would be miserable to have to bandage during the daytime!
I also want to be able to keep training for the 3-Day walk. I've been logging about 30 miles a week so far. The training schedule had an easier week last week, but I kept the mileage up. I figure my "easy" week will be one of the ones abroad. I've got a few Jillian DVD's on my iPhone that I can do. I'll do what I can. Not only do I want to keep exercising for all of the physical health reasons I do now, but it keeps me sane. I'll need that after a few days at the in-laws! We get along okay, but its always hard away from home. We'll be 7 people sharing 1 bathroom! Oy!
As you can imagine, there is a lot of logistical planning that goes into taking the whole crew on such a long trip. Not only that, but we get back less than 48 hours before the kids start school! I will have 3 kids at 3 different schools. Olivier in middle school, Isabelle in the 5th grade at the Elementary school, and Jean-Marc will start preschool 3 days a week. Right now, I don't have a carpool arranged for the middle school. Adding that to the kids' extra-curricular activities, I'm gearing up to be "mom's taxi." Needless to say, I've been pretty busy the last week or two getting the kids ready for school as well as getting us all ready for this trip.
So this trip for us signals the end of summer. Sigh. Can it already be over so soon?
My prayer requests:
- That we have a safe and smooth trip. We will be schleping suitcases, computers, roller bags, a big car seat and stroller. I'm NOT looking forward to the security screening! Please pray that we get through it all safely.
- That my arm not swell. Not only the travel, but if it is overly hot in Europe, I may be at risk. Did I mention that hardly anyone has air conditioning there?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The other side
A year ago tonight, I was preparing myself in all sorts of ways for my bilateral mastectomy surgery. I remember shortly after my diagnosis a friend from church telling me something. Her sister had been diagnosed almost exactly a year earlier than me. She said that, "things look a lot better a year later." She was so right.
I just went and re-read the posts to remind myself of all of the details. Strange how some things fade from memory. Or maybe it's just chemo-brain in action?
What struck me from reading my pre-operative posts is how uncertain I was about things. Understandably so. Everything I did with the feeling that it was a "last" time for doing it. My "last" workout at the gym. My "last" trip to the beach. My "last" time cuddiling with Jean-Marc in the morning. It was a scary time. I'm a big believer in preparing for the worst, and hoping for the best. I was mentally prepared for weeks of being bedridden and in pain. I had not even considered chemo and radiation at that point. It was all about the harsh and brutal reality of having body parts removed. Ugh.
I don't do "sick" very well. And by God's grace, I didn't have to. In fact, I probably pushed it a bit too much to get back on my feet. In the early days, I needed help with the drains and such. It was also difficult to face myself in the mirror for the first time. I'll confess that sometimes, I still start at my scarred reflection.
For the most part, I can say that those things that I was afraid that I would not be able to do again, I have done. This is not a brag list-it is a praise report and testimony to the faithfulness, mercy and grace of God:
I just went and re-read the posts to remind myself of all of the details. Strange how some things fade from memory. Or maybe it's just chemo-brain in action?
 |
| July 22, 2010 |
 |
| July 17, 2011-Nearly a year later |
What struck me from reading my pre-operative posts is how uncertain I was about things. Understandably so. Everything I did with the feeling that it was a "last" time for doing it. My "last" workout at the gym. My "last" trip to the beach. My "last" time cuddiling with Jean-Marc in the morning. It was a scary time. I'm a big believer in preparing for the worst, and hoping for the best. I was mentally prepared for weeks of being bedridden and in pain. I had not even considered chemo and radiation at that point. It was all about the harsh and brutal reality of having body parts removed. Ugh.
I don't do "sick" very well. And by God's grace, I didn't have to. In fact, I probably pushed it a bit too much to get back on my feet. In the early days, I needed help with the drains and such. It was also difficult to face myself in the mirror for the first time. I'll confess that sometimes, I still start at my scarred reflection.
For the most part, I can say that those things that I was afraid that I would not be able to do again, I have done. This is not a brag list-it is a praise report and testimony to the faithfulness, mercy and grace of God:
- Cuddling/holding Jean-Marc? Check! He's quite the love bug, and it's wonderful.
- Running? Check! Ran a 10k in under an hour earlier this month. Less than a year out of surgery, less than 5 months after the end of radiation treatment.
- Jillian circuits workouts? Check! I'm back to my level 3 Jillian circuit workouts. I've definitely lost some of my upper body strength, particularly on the left shoulder and pectoral area. There is nerve damage there where things were cut. I'm permanently numb on my left tricep and across my chest where the scars are. BUT-I can do push ups, just not as many. I keep at it, and am able to do a little more each time. My body will never be the same, but it is strong nonetheless.
- The beach? Check! I just went yesterday with the kids, my sister in law, niece, nephews and mom. I wore a bikini with my foobies in it.
There have been some unexpected things as well. First on the list would be my lymphedema. Not all breast cancer patients get it. I'm one of the lucky ones. But I am so thankful that Kaiser was very proactive in educating me on the signs of the disease, and even had me go see a physical therapist before the fact. That way, when I did get it, I knew right away what to do and was able to learn to control it early.
My friend was right. Things do look and feel a lot better a year later. Things will never be the same, to be sure. My family and I have been on a journey that has opened our eyes and changed us all, in many ways for the better. It has made us stronger. Looking back and seeing how God has sustained me has increased my faith tremendously. I thank you all for your support and prayer over the past year. It has been a blessing.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I did it!
I ran my first 10k race yesterday. It was the 4th of July Scripps Ranch "Old Pros" 10k.
It was tough.
I had been training for several weeks, but it still was hard. My goal was to finish in under one hour. My chip time was 59:21. Just under. There were times that this evil little voice inside my head kept urging me to just walk, that my goal didn't matter. I'll admit that a few times, I listened to that voice and slowed down to a walk. I would say I didn't walk more than an eighth of a mile. Just enough to let my heart rate come back down. I'm annoyed that I listened to "the voice" though.
It was harder than I thought it would be. I've run 6 miles before, even with hills. This course was pretty flat. I did pretty well the first couple of miles. My second mile was my fastest at a pace of 8:55. After that, I started feeling the sun. Even though it was in the 7 a.m. hour, the course was more inland than where I live and the sun was coming out. By mile 4, I was asking myself...."Why exactly are you doing this again?" Even more piercing was this question...."And you think you can do twice this (a 1/2 marathon) in January?? Are you nuts?" Then that evil voice taunting me, telling me that my goal didn't matter and that I should just walk. I've read runners talk about how much of running is mental, and I definitely experienced that for myself.
My brother, Jared, was in town on leave from the Army and he ran it with me. Of course, his time was like 47 minutes. My race was neat at the end, though. He was there about 100 feet from the finish line looking for me. When he saw me, he jumped back in, urging me on and crossed the finish line for a second time with me. I saw the clock was at 59 minutes. That, along with Jared's "gentle" coaching, I was able to dig into some previously unknown source of energy and sprint to the finish. My parents signed up as well. They had intended to walk it all, but ended up running some of it as well. I'm so proud of them!
There was a big party in the park at the finish line. There was a tent where a chiropractor was giving free massages. I had to fill out a little questionnaire about my health first. One of the questions was, "What is your primary health concern?" Hmmm. Do you REALLY want to know? My primary health concern is that my cancer does not come back. I decided not to go there. I didn't want her messing with my arm, so I listed the lymphedema instead. It was kind of a painful massage, but I usually kind of like it hard like that. She mainly dealt with my back and was able to give my spine some adjustments that felt good. My shoulders, she said, were incredibly tight and tense. Yup. I'll believe that. I always store up stress there. She kept going on about it afterwards and asked me when the last time I had any kind of massage or chiropractic treatment was. My last massage was a few days before my bilateral mastectomy-almost a year ago. I told her that I understood the shoulder tension, since I had been through a lot in the past year. I didn't explain, but thanked her and went with my brother to get my free T-shirt. (As well as a free beer!)
I did take the lessons learned from my 5k race last April. I did not let the other runners get me off of my own pace. My plan was to start slow to conserve my energy. I knew there would be some fast starters. In Carlsbad, I let it influence my own pace. I also ran with my iPod. That helped keep my mind off of some of the pain. Not all of it, but some. I was smarter about my pre-race food as well. This time, I had a protein packed lunch on Sunday, with a light dinner. My breakfast was 1/2 whole wheat English muffin with almond butter and a banana. I didn't have that belly of lead feeling that I did in April. I'm glad I was able to improve my approach. Next time, (did I say that?), I'm not going to have any wine the day before. I had some at lunch on Sunday, and it may have affected me. Maybe not, but next time I'll go dry.
I may not have finished first in my age class, but I was 33rd out of 92 for women 40-44. That's not bad. And considering that I have only been out of cancer treatment less than 5 months, I'm pretty grateful that I was able to do what I did. In fact, my radiation oncologist told me a portion of my left lung was going to get zapped and be permanently damaged. Take that, cancer!
Yes, I'll do it again. Now I have a PR to beat.
It was tough.
I had been training for several weeks, but it still was hard. My goal was to finish in under one hour. My chip time was 59:21. Just under. There were times that this evil little voice inside my head kept urging me to just walk, that my goal didn't matter. I'll admit that a few times, I listened to that voice and slowed down to a walk. I would say I didn't walk more than an eighth of a mile. Just enough to let my heart rate come back down. I'm annoyed that I listened to "the voice" though.
It was harder than I thought it would be. I've run 6 miles before, even with hills. This course was pretty flat. I did pretty well the first couple of miles. My second mile was my fastest at a pace of 8:55. After that, I started feeling the sun. Even though it was in the 7 a.m. hour, the course was more inland than where I live and the sun was coming out. By mile 4, I was asking myself...."Why exactly are you doing this again?" Even more piercing was this question...."And you think you can do twice this (a 1/2 marathon) in January?? Are you nuts?" Then that evil voice taunting me, telling me that my goal didn't matter and that I should just walk. I've read runners talk about how much of running is mental, and I definitely experienced that for myself.
My brother, Jared, was in town on leave from the Army and he ran it with me. Of course, his time was like 47 minutes. My race was neat at the end, though. He was there about 100 feet from the finish line looking for me. When he saw me, he jumped back in, urging me on and crossed the finish line for a second time with me. I saw the clock was at 59 minutes. That, along with Jared's "gentle" coaching, I was able to dig into some previously unknown source of energy and sprint to the finish. My parents signed up as well. They had intended to walk it all, but ended up running some of it as well. I'm so proud of them!
There was a big party in the park at the finish line. There was a tent where a chiropractor was giving free massages. I had to fill out a little questionnaire about my health first. One of the questions was, "What is your primary health concern?" Hmmm. Do you REALLY want to know? My primary health concern is that my cancer does not come back. I decided not to go there. I didn't want her messing with my arm, so I listed the lymphedema instead. It was kind of a painful massage, but I usually kind of like it hard like that. She mainly dealt with my back and was able to give my spine some adjustments that felt good. My shoulders, she said, were incredibly tight and tense. Yup. I'll believe that. I always store up stress there. She kept going on about it afterwards and asked me when the last time I had any kind of massage or chiropractic treatment was. My last massage was a few days before my bilateral mastectomy-almost a year ago. I told her that I understood the shoulder tension, since I had been through a lot in the past year. I didn't explain, but thanked her and went with my brother to get my free T-shirt. (As well as a free beer!)
I did take the lessons learned from my 5k race last April. I did not let the other runners get me off of my own pace. My plan was to start slow to conserve my energy. I knew there would be some fast starters. In Carlsbad, I let it influence my own pace. I also ran with my iPod. That helped keep my mind off of some of the pain. Not all of it, but some. I was smarter about my pre-race food as well. This time, I had a protein packed lunch on Sunday, with a light dinner. My breakfast was 1/2 whole wheat English muffin with almond butter and a banana. I didn't have that belly of lead feeling that I did in April. I'm glad I was able to improve my approach. Next time, (did I say that?), I'm not going to have any wine the day before. I had some at lunch on Sunday, and it may have affected me. Maybe not, but next time I'll go dry.
I may not have finished first in my age class, but I was 33rd out of 92 for women 40-44. That's not bad. And considering that I have only been out of cancer treatment less than 5 months, I'm pretty grateful that I was able to do what I did. In fact, my radiation oncologist told me a portion of my left lung was going to get zapped and be permanently damaged. Take that, cancer!
Yes, I'll do it again. Now I have a PR to beat.
 |
| Jared, my dad, and I at the start of the race. |
Friday, June 24, 2011
Floaties
The kids and I finished our first week of summer swimming lessons today. I signed the two older kids up for the advanced class which gives them 30 minutes of lap swimming and help refining their strokes. Olivier is going to be doing the lifesaving merit badge at boy scout summer camp, so this will help him get familiar with swimming again. I am doing a mommy and me class with Jean-Marc. He's technically old enough to do a preschooler class on his own, but this is his first time in a swimming class, so I'm doing it with him. I did it for the other two kids as well. We weren't able to do any lessons last summer...I was in the thick of cancer what-ifs, decision making, and surgery. My mom referred to it as "the lost summer." That is a good description of it. Life came to a screeching halt and nothing was normal.
So we are back to life after taking a summer off. The novelty for me is donning a bathing suit with my foobies. I was told that I could wear them in the water, I just have to wash them off and let them air dry afterwards. It looks kind of bizarre to see these disembodied boobs drying on my bathroom counter, I must say. I have 3 suits from Land's End. They make several of their suits with mastectomy pockets on the top. I actually had a bikini from last summer that, upon inspection, had the pockets. Nifty. I was able to buy a top to match a new suit that I bought last summer, and then I bought a whole new suit.
This week was my "test run" of the of the foobies-in-water. So far, I've worn two of the three suits. I realized something today, though. Jean-Marc and I were in his class, and I'm leading him around doing our activities. I glanced down and noticed that the tops of my foobies were coming out of the dark navy blue suit top. Yikes!
Note to self, as well as bathing suit manufacturers: Put the pockets on the side of the suit, not the top. I think that navy suit will be relegated to sunbathing and not water activities. The rest of the class, I was self-conscious and kept having to tuck the foob back in the suit.
That's right. Foobies float. And they will float right out of the top of my suit if I'm not careful! If I thought they looked strange on my bathroom counter, imagine the shock of the teenage swimming teacher to see them floating in the pool!
So we are back to life after taking a summer off. The novelty for me is donning a bathing suit with my foobies. I was told that I could wear them in the water, I just have to wash them off and let them air dry afterwards. It looks kind of bizarre to see these disembodied boobs drying on my bathroom counter, I must say. I have 3 suits from Land's End. They make several of their suits with mastectomy pockets on the top. I actually had a bikini from last summer that, upon inspection, had the pockets. Nifty. I was able to buy a top to match a new suit that I bought last summer, and then I bought a whole new suit.
This week was my "test run" of the of the foobies-in-water. So far, I've worn two of the three suits. I realized something today, though. Jean-Marc and I were in his class, and I'm leading him around doing our activities. I glanced down and noticed that the tops of my foobies were coming out of the dark navy blue suit top. Yikes!
Note to self, as well as bathing suit manufacturers: Put the pockets on the side of the suit, not the top. I think that navy suit will be relegated to sunbathing and not water activities. The rest of the class, I was self-conscious and kept having to tuck the foob back in the suit.
That's right. Foobies float. And they will float right out of the top of my suit if I'm not careful! If I thought they looked strange on my bathroom counter, imagine the shock of the teenage swimming teacher to see them floating in the pool!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Running wild
I'm a nut. Seriously.
I should be walking and training for the 3-Day that is coming up in November. 60 miles in 3 days.
But I can't stop running!
A friend "challenged" me to a half marathon next January. It is the Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon in Anaheim. From the sound of it, you run all around the Disneyland area. It's for women only. I looked at the information online and they said you need to keep a 16 minute mile. Heck, I could walk that. By January, I will have done the 3 day, so even if I walk, I should be okay. I went ahead and registered. They have a kids 1 mile run the day before, and Isabelle agreed to go for it as well. Sounds like we have a fun girls weekend in store for us at the end of January '12.
But I would like to run most of it if I can. So I signed up for a 10k on the 4th of July. The only other race I've ever done was the Carlsbad 5000 last April, a 5k. My time was good (for me). I was hoping for finishing under 30 minutes, and I made it at 29:06. This time, I'm hoping to finish under 60 minutes.
I can't help but giggle at myself. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I have always HATED running up until now. Now I'm poring through the pages of Runners World magazine! Runner's World also has an app I downloaded called "Smart Coach." You put in your basic information: recent race time; upcoming race; goal; how many miles you want to do in a week; etc. The app then spits out a training program for you to follow.
I like it because I don't have a clue about how to train for a race. This app does it all for me. For example, this is my upcoming week:
Monday: Easy 2 mile run at 11:56 pace. That is pretty slow-I'll probably not be able to keep it that slow. But I'll definitely do the miles.
Wednesday: Speedwork 5 miles. 3x800 in 4:37 with 400 jogs. I'll admit that I'm such a newbie that I'm not sure how to read that. But the app has a glossary that I should be able to figure it out before Wednesday!
Saturday: Long run-6 miles.
The days in between are for cross training or rest. I usually take Sundays off. I'll alternate circuit training and other cardio on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
I even went out and got myself a Garmin Forerunner GPS watch. It has a heart rate monitor on it as well. I've been using a Polar F6 monitor for the past year when I exercise. I like to see exactly how many calories I'm burning. I didn't want to give that functionality up. This watch has the monitor, but also tracks my distance, time and I can upload it to the Garmin website. I think it also interacts with a website I use to track my mileage, LogYourRun.com. (I got the grey one in the middle with the pink stripe.) I haven't used the watch yet-I'll do that tomorrow on my easy run. I'm sure it does things that I don't even realize at this point!
Yesterday I did my "long" run. It ended up being 6.69 miles. I was really happy that I was able to run for an entire 6 miles. The only time I stopped was waiting at red lights twice. I even did a hill that I had to walk before. I was slow.....but I was running it! I walked the beginning and end for about 1/4 mile and my time overall was 1 hour, 12 minutes. I figure that I easily did 6 miles in an hour, which bodes well for my 10k goal. Not only that, but where I live it is extremely hilly. I don't think the race course has many hills, if any. So that should help make me stronger as well.
So there it is. I confess. I'm turning into a running junkie.
But really. After the 10k on July 4th, I do plan to slow it down and start training for the 3-Day by jumping into the training program. It isn't going to be easy, even though it won't be as intense. It will be all about endurance. Hopefully between that and the 10k training I'll be in good shape to pick up with 1/2 marathon training in the fall!
I should be walking and training for the 3-Day that is coming up in November. 60 miles in 3 days.
But I can't stop running!
A friend "challenged" me to a half marathon next January. It is the Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon in Anaheim. From the sound of it, you run all around the Disneyland area. It's for women only. I looked at the information online and they said you need to keep a 16 minute mile. Heck, I could walk that. By January, I will have done the 3 day, so even if I walk, I should be okay. I went ahead and registered. They have a kids 1 mile run the day before, and Isabelle agreed to go for it as well. Sounds like we have a fun girls weekend in store for us at the end of January '12.
But I would like to run most of it if I can. So I signed up for a 10k on the 4th of July. The only other race I've ever done was the Carlsbad 5000 last April, a 5k. My time was good (for me). I was hoping for finishing under 30 minutes, and I made it at 29:06. This time, I'm hoping to finish under 60 minutes.
I can't help but giggle at myself. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I have always HATED running up until now. Now I'm poring through the pages of Runners World magazine! Runner's World also has an app I downloaded called "Smart Coach." You put in your basic information: recent race time; upcoming race; goal; how many miles you want to do in a week; etc. The app then spits out a training program for you to follow.
I like it because I don't have a clue about how to train for a race. This app does it all for me. For example, this is my upcoming week:
Monday: Easy 2 mile run at 11:56 pace. That is pretty slow-I'll probably not be able to keep it that slow. But I'll definitely do the miles.
Wednesday: Speedwork 5 miles. 3x800 in 4:37 with 400 jogs. I'll admit that I'm such a newbie that I'm not sure how to read that. But the app has a glossary that I should be able to figure it out before Wednesday!
Saturday: Long run-6 miles.
The days in between are for cross training or rest. I usually take Sundays off. I'll alternate circuit training and other cardio on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
Yesterday I did my "long" run. It ended up being 6.69 miles. I was really happy that I was able to run for an entire 6 miles. The only time I stopped was waiting at red lights twice. I even did a hill that I had to walk before. I was slow.....but I was running it! I walked the beginning and end for about 1/4 mile and my time overall was 1 hour, 12 minutes. I figure that I easily did 6 miles in an hour, which bodes well for my 10k goal. Not only that, but where I live it is extremely hilly. I don't think the race course has many hills, if any. So that should help make me stronger as well.
So there it is. I confess. I'm turning into a running junkie.
But really. After the 10k on July 4th, I do plan to slow it down and start training for the 3-Day by jumping into the training program. It isn't going to be easy, even though it won't be as intense. It will be all about endurance. Hopefully between that and the 10k training I'll be in good shape to pick up with 1/2 marathon training in the fall!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
What a difference a year makes
My mom and I took the two older kids to the San Diego County Fair yesterday.
I can't help but reflect on the differences between this year and last. Last year, I was newly diagnosed with breast cancer. I was in that scary place of knowing I had a terrible disease, but not knowing exactly how bad it was. I knew I had major surgery and chemo in my near future, but didn't know when I would be able to actively start treatment. This year, I am through the main part of my treatment. I am hoping we can have the fun summer that we had planned last year. I want us to get outside, be active, and live life to its fullest.
My motto at the Fair last summer was carpe diem. Isabelle and I rode an elephant. I bought Olivier a deep fried twinkie. Heck, I even took a bite of it! Anything we wanted to do, we did. That attitude held this year as well. We ate (or attempted to eat) huge grilled turkey legs. I bought Olivier a new hat and a hair feather for Isabelle. We topped it off with a Weird Al Yankovic concert. It was a lot of fun. I did not miss that omnipresent cloud that was over my head last year one bit.
I want to live each day, each moment to its fullest. That is what a brush with death is supposed to do to you, right?
But I have a confession to make--I am finding it very difficult to do that. I have noticed that I have been having a hard time being "present" for any sustained period of time. I often have other thoughts going on in my head, from scary to mundane. For instance: what am I going to make for lunch or dinner; what are we doing next; where do I have to take the kids later; did I take my Tamoxifen today?; how am I doing nutritionally?; is the cancer going to come back?
If its not other thoughts distracting me, it is a feeling of being fuzzy headed. I don't know if it is an after-effect of chemotherapy. Sort of like being in a fog.
Maybe it has nothing to do with cancer. Maybe it is just a product of living in the society and age that we do.
I'm not sure how to overcome these obstacles to my stated goal of living life to its fullest. Its frustrating because I need to cherish each moment. Not to be morbid, but you just don't know how many days you have. That goes for anyone, cancer or not. It feels like a waste to be either mentally elsewhere or in a fog.
At least I am aware of it, right?
I can't help but reflect on the differences between this year and last. Last year, I was newly diagnosed with breast cancer. I was in that scary place of knowing I had a terrible disease, but not knowing exactly how bad it was. I knew I had major surgery and chemo in my near future, but didn't know when I would be able to actively start treatment. This year, I am through the main part of my treatment. I am hoping we can have the fun summer that we had planned last year. I want us to get outside, be active, and live life to its fullest.
I want to live each day, each moment to its fullest. That is what a brush with death is supposed to do to you, right?
But I have a confession to make--I am finding it very difficult to do that. I have noticed that I have been having a hard time being "present" for any sustained period of time. I often have other thoughts going on in my head, from scary to mundane. For instance: what am I going to make for lunch or dinner; what are we doing next; where do I have to take the kids later; did I take my Tamoxifen today?; how am I doing nutritionally?; is the cancer going to come back?
If its not other thoughts distracting me, it is a feeling of being fuzzy headed. I don't know if it is an after-effect of chemotherapy. Sort of like being in a fog.
Maybe it has nothing to do with cancer. Maybe it is just a product of living in the society and age that we do.
I'm not sure how to overcome these obstacles to my stated goal of living life to its fullest. Its frustrating because I need to cherish each moment. Not to be morbid, but you just don't know how many days you have. That goes for anyone, cancer or not. It feels like a waste to be either mentally elsewhere or in a fog.
At least I am aware of it, right?
 |
| Living for the moment at the Fair! |
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I'm still here!
It has been awhile since my last post. In some ways, that is a good thing, right? Nothing new to report on the "cancer" side of life. In fact, I'm even starting to think of myself as someone who "had" cancer. (As opposed to someone "with" cancer.) Yes. It is something that I had in the past. I dealt with it, did the whole nine yards of treatment (double mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiation), and have made dietary and lifestyle changes to keep it in my past.
I'm delving more and more into learning about the link between nutrition and cancer, as well as other diseases. I'm reading "The China Study" by Dr. T Colin Cambell. After a career of studying nutrition and disease, he advocates a whole foods, plant based diet. There are others who disagree with him, and to try to read their competing scientific reasons, and Dr. Cambell's rebuttals makes my head spin. In the end, I guess I just have to do the best with the information that I have. I'm still going to try for 80% plant based diet, with about half of those raw. I'm not swearing off animal products at this point. But those that I do eat will be organic. I can easily go a few days with no animal products at all, but my family balks at it. I'm not 100% convinced about the healthfulness of a vegan diet at this point, especially for my kids who will pick over protein sources if they don't like them. Regardless of what I do, I know to listen to what my body is telling me and adjust things accordingly.
I am still enjoying my exercise about 6 times a week. In an ideal world, I would run 3 times a week doing one long run outside (7+ miles), one tempo run on the treadmill at the gym (20-30 minutes at a challenging pace) and an interval run. I'd also do 2 circuit training workouts. That is what helped me drop the weight last year, and I've been doing it a little bit more. There really is nothing else like it for me to notice changes in my body and fitness level. But I have to be careful about lymphedema and the weight training. In the ideal world, I'd also do at least 1 workout of cardio cross training at the gym on the elliptical and stationary bike. But the world is still not ideal-imagine that! I'm getting 6 workouts in a week, but they aren't exactly this mix of workouts. That's okay. I'm feeling strong and good.
I spent part of last weekend camping with Olivier. It was just the two of us up at a San Diego-Imperial Council's campground in the Santa Ysabel mountains. There was a day of shooting sports on Saturday, with camping on Friday. We brought his little 2 man tent and camped Friday night. It was a lot of fun to spend some one on one time with him. It had been a long time since I had camped, and it was the first time it was just Olivier and I. It was fun being back into a scouting atmosphere and seeing other adult leaders that I had not seen in awhile. I've been to that campsite before, but this time I was in much better shape. It was so nice to be able to go up "cardiac hill" like it was nothing! In fact, I challenged Olivier to run up it, but he didn't take me up on it. Being in better shape reaps all kinds of rewards that I had not considered before-I'm able to get more out of life with less boundaries. Being "done" with cancer means that I can get back into scouting more, and I'm really pleased to be able to do so!
Jean-Marc has been sick since last Friday, which has interfered with my plans. He's got a nasty flu/cold that started last Friday. He threw up once on Sunday. Up until today (Wednesday), he has been lethargic with no appetite. All he wants is to have me sit on the couch with him and watch whatever it is that he wants to watch. I've had my fill of "The Wiggles" and "Thomas the Tank Engine." Jean-Marc just sits there moaning and mumbling, "I'm crying, mom. I'm crying, mom. My tummy hurts." Once on Sunday night (or maybe it was Monday), he even said, "Pray for me."
Isabelle woke up yesterday displaying similar symptoms to Jean-Marc. No appetite, and lethargy. I kept her home from school and took her along with Jean-Marc and I to the pediatrician. We ruled out ear infections and strep throat. It's just some virus that we have to ride out. She threw up in the car on the way home. Luckily, I was able to pull over and she jumped out and got most of it into the gutter. TMI?
The thing is, we have tickets for a family trip on Friday! We MUST be healthy! We are taking the kids up to San Francisco for Memorial Day weekend. Olivier and Isabelle had read a couple of books about kids who lived on Alcatraz and struck up a correspondence relationship with Al Capone, an inmate. They loved the books, "Al Capone Does My Shirts" and "Al Capone Shines My Shoes." We found a great package deal online and have roundtrip airline tickets, 3 nights in a hotel (2 rooms) and a rental car. We've already paid for it, so we're going! We are going to spend Saturday at Alcatraz and Fisherman's Wharf. On Sunday, we are going to rent bikes and bike across the Golden Gate Bridge. There is a vegan restaurant that I'd like to visit called Cafe Gratitude. I'm not sure we'll be able to make it. It is near the mission, so perhaps we can check the mission out at the same time. Isabelle has been studying California history this year in the 4th grade, and missions make up a big part of that. We'll see.
We also are hoping to close escrow on our old house in the next few days. I am so grateful to God that we got some great buyers, a good price, and a fast escrow in this market!
Anyway, I'm here. I'm doing good. I've just been busy....living! Thank you Jesus!
I'm delving more and more into learning about the link between nutrition and cancer, as well as other diseases. I'm reading "The China Study" by Dr. T Colin Cambell. After a career of studying nutrition and disease, he advocates a whole foods, plant based diet. There are others who disagree with him, and to try to read their competing scientific reasons, and Dr. Cambell's rebuttals makes my head spin. In the end, I guess I just have to do the best with the information that I have. I'm still going to try for 80% plant based diet, with about half of those raw. I'm not swearing off animal products at this point. But those that I do eat will be organic. I can easily go a few days with no animal products at all, but my family balks at it. I'm not 100% convinced about the healthfulness of a vegan diet at this point, especially for my kids who will pick over protein sources if they don't like them. Regardless of what I do, I know to listen to what my body is telling me and adjust things accordingly.
I am still enjoying my exercise about 6 times a week. In an ideal world, I would run 3 times a week doing one long run outside (7+ miles), one tempo run on the treadmill at the gym (20-30 minutes at a challenging pace) and an interval run. I'd also do 2 circuit training workouts. That is what helped me drop the weight last year, and I've been doing it a little bit more. There really is nothing else like it for me to notice changes in my body and fitness level. But I have to be careful about lymphedema and the weight training. In the ideal world, I'd also do at least 1 workout of cardio cross training at the gym on the elliptical and stationary bike. But the world is still not ideal-imagine that! I'm getting 6 workouts in a week, but they aren't exactly this mix of workouts. That's okay. I'm feeling strong and good.
Jean-Marc has been sick since last Friday, which has interfered with my plans. He's got a nasty flu/cold that started last Friday. He threw up once on Sunday. Up until today (Wednesday), he has been lethargic with no appetite. All he wants is to have me sit on the couch with him and watch whatever it is that he wants to watch. I've had my fill of "The Wiggles" and "Thomas the Tank Engine." Jean-Marc just sits there moaning and mumbling, "I'm crying, mom. I'm crying, mom. My tummy hurts." Once on Sunday night (or maybe it was Monday), he even said, "Pray for me."
Isabelle woke up yesterday displaying similar symptoms to Jean-Marc. No appetite, and lethargy. I kept her home from school and took her along with Jean-Marc and I to the pediatrician. We ruled out ear infections and strep throat. It's just some virus that we have to ride out. She threw up in the car on the way home. Luckily, I was able to pull over and she jumped out and got most of it into the gutter. TMI?
The thing is, we have tickets for a family trip on Friday! We MUST be healthy! We are taking the kids up to San Francisco for Memorial Day weekend. Olivier and Isabelle had read a couple of books about kids who lived on Alcatraz and struck up a correspondence relationship with Al Capone, an inmate. They loved the books, "Al Capone Does My Shirts" and "Al Capone Shines My Shoes." We found a great package deal online and have roundtrip airline tickets, 3 nights in a hotel (2 rooms) and a rental car. We've already paid for it, so we're going! We are going to spend Saturday at Alcatraz and Fisherman's Wharf. On Sunday, we are going to rent bikes and bike across the Golden Gate Bridge. There is a vegan restaurant that I'd like to visit called Cafe Gratitude. I'm not sure we'll be able to make it. It is near the mission, so perhaps we can check the mission out at the same time. Isabelle has been studying California history this year in the 4th grade, and missions make up a big part of that. We'll see.
We also are hoping to close escrow on our old house in the next few days. I am so grateful to God that we got some great buyers, a good price, and a fast escrow in this market!
Anyway, I'm here. I'm doing good. I've just been busy....living! Thank you Jesus!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
It gets complicated
Today I had the opportunity to sneak off for a couple hours all by myself and do some clothes shopping. This does not happen very often, and I'm pretty sure this was the first time since my diagnosis.
Last year, it was a blast to shop for clothes. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 6. I'm still 10 pounds away from my actual goal, but am tired of being in the mindset that I have to lose more weight. I've been able to maintain where I am since my diagnosis, and being on Tamoxifen, that is no small feat. So I'm starting to try and get a mindset of being happy where I am. Of course, if 10 pounds would magically fall off, I'd be thrilled. I'll still work on it, but decided not to put off the shopping. (Maybe its the chapter in the bible study book I'm doing about being content?) Besides, the opportunity does not present itself very often. And hey, if I lose 10 pounds or more and need to get clothes smaller than a 6, well...then, I'll go buy 4s!
Shopping is still fun-6 is pretty much my size right now and that is beyond amazing.
I had the forethought to put on my foobies at the last minute before heading out the door. I was mainly looking for shorts and tops. The first few tops I tried on fit great with the foobies. As I was slipping the third one on, I realized...maybe I should try them on without the foobs. I don't wear them all the time, and I don't want to be locked into having to wear them all the time. So I had to go back, take off the bra, put the clothes back on. It's a little more complicated than it used to be!
In the end, it was a very successful shopping expedition. I got 3 pairs of shorts and several tops that are different from those that I already have. It was fun, even with the added complication.
Last year, it was a blast to shop for clothes. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 6. I'm still 10 pounds away from my actual goal, but am tired of being in the mindset that I have to lose more weight. I've been able to maintain where I am since my diagnosis, and being on Tamoxifen, that is no small feat. So I'm starting to try and get a mindset of being happy where I am. Of course, if 10 pounds would magically fall off, I'd be thrilled. I'll still work on it, but decided not to put off the shopping. (Maybe its the chapter in the bible study book I'm doing about being content?) Besides, the opportunity does not present itself very often. And hey, if I lose 10 pounds or more and need to get clothes smaller than a 6, well...then, I'll go buy 4s!
Shopping is still fun-6 is pretty much my size right now and that is beyond amazing.
I had the forethought to put on my foobies at the last minute before heading out the door. I was mainly looking for shorts and tops. The first few tops I tried on fit great with the foobies. As I was slipping the third one on, I realized...maybe I should try them on without the foobs. I don't wear them all the time, and I don't want to be locked into having to wear them all the time. So I had to go back, take off the bra, put the clothes back on. It's a little more complicated than it used to be!
In the end, it was a very successful shopping expedition. I got 3 pairs of shorts and several tops that are different from those that I already have. It was fun, even with the added complication.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My bad
Nobody is great at everything.
I'll admit here and now that I can be a bad car-parker. I drive a Honda Odyssey. Sometimes, especially when I'm turning into a space making a right turn, I don't get square in the middle of my space. It can be hard in smaller parking lots, or if there are big cars next to me. On occasion I will back out and try to realign myself to get in better. It depends on how much space is between the car next to me, or if my tires are on or over the line.
Today I pulled into a space in the parking structure at the San Marcos Community Center. It was Jean-Marc's "Move and Groove" class that he missed last week because he was sick and I was going to a funeral. He had been cooped up for 2 days in the house and really needed to get out and have fun. He's been sick with this nasty flu for a week and is just getting over it. We were ready to have some fun, and Miss Amy had an Easter egg hunt planned.
Anyway, I'll admit that it wasn't my best parking job. I didn't realize it until after I had gotten Jean-Marc out of the car and we were walking away. My tires were on the line on the right side. But then again, so were the tires of the car next to me, which more than made up for the extra space I was taking up. We both did a bad job of parking. I decided it was too much to get the 2 year old BACK in the car, to re-park when the other car was also over the line on the other side. Besides, they had several feet of space between our cars to get in. So we went on our way.
I came back out about an hour later to have a note on my windshield:
" Hard to get into my car when you park like this. Think about being more curteous. (Their misspelling) Having cancer has made you rude!"
How do you like that!?
(By the way, they know about the cancer because I have a pink ribbon "survivor" magnet on the back of the van.)
I was pretty shocked, since it didn't seem that bad, especially since they had also done a lousy job parking. I'll admit it wasn't my shining moment, but did it merit such a nastygram? At least they didn't say that I deserved to have had cancer, or that they hoped it comes back because I parked lamely.
I'll admit here and now that I can be a bad car-parker. I drive a Honda Odyssey. Sometimes, especially when I'm turning into a space making a right turn, I don't get square in the middle of my space. It can be hard in smaller parking lots, or if there are big cars next to me. On occasion I will back out and try to realign myself to get in better. It depends on how much space is between the car next to me, or if my tires are on or over the line.
Today I pulled into a space in the parking structure at the San Marcos Community Center. It was Jean-Marc's "Move and Groove" class that he missed last week because he was sick and I was going to a funeral. He had been cooped up for 2 days in the house and really needed to get out and have fun. He's been sick with this nasty flu for a week and is just getting over it. We were ready to have some fun, and Miss Amy had an Easter egg hunt planned.
Anyway, I'll admit that it wasn't my best parking job. I didn't realize it until after I had gotten Jean-Marc out of the car and we were walking away. My tires were on the line on the right side. But then again, so were the tires of the car next to me, which more than made up for the extra space I was taking up. We both did a bad job of parking. I decided it was too much to get the 2 year old BACK in the car, to re-park when the other car was also over the line on the other side. Besides, they had several feet of space between our cars to get in. So we went on our way.
I came back out about an hour later to have a note on my windshield:
" Hard to get into my car when you park like this. Think about being more curteous. (Their misspelling) Having cancer has made you rude!"
How do you like that!?
(By the way, they know about the cancer because I have a pink ribbon "survivor" magnet on the back of the van.)
I was pretty shocked, since it didn't seem that bad, especially since they had also done a lousy job parking. I'll admit it wasn't my shining moment, but did it merit such a nastygram? At least they didn't say that I deserved to have had cancer, or that they hoped it comes back because I parked lamely.
One reason this annoyed me is that I always like to have the last word. It's another one of my faults, I suppose. With them leaving a note and then disappearing, I wasn't given the opportunity to respond. I've been pondering various possible responses I could have had if given the chance in the hours since:
- Actually, I've been parking like this for a long time, so I guess I've been rude for awhile!
- Or something inspired by my late Grandpa Graham: "Get your own da** parking garage!"
- I've had cancer...what's YOUR excuse?
- I'm glad you got that off your chest. Do you feel better?
- Jesus loves you. How can I pray for you?
Regardless of the note, I do want to better myself in all ways, including parking. I just don't want that anonymous person to get the satisfaction of thinking that it was their nasty note that did it. May our paths never cross again!
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