Just about half way

I got a surprise this morning at the radiation office.  A referral for another set of blood work. Lucky me! He said they needed to get my blood counts now that we are about half way through my radiation treatment. I need to get them as soon as possible. It's a busy few days right now, I don't think I'll have time to get it done until Thursday.

Half way?  Already?  Today was treatment number 16 out of 33.  It is going by pretty quickly.   Traveling every day to Escondido to get zapped definitely adds another component to an already busy schedule.  But as they say, time flies when you are having fun. Right?

I'm doing pretty well, considering. The aloe seems to be helping. I'm not having too much discomfort or burning feeling yet. There is increased redness in the area, but it isn't too bad.  My arm swelling seems to be under control as well, even with my "day off" on Sunday. I continue to bandage at night and wear the sleeve during the day. I have a physical therapy appointment tomorrow morning and we will measure to see how I'm doing. I also continue to exercise about 6 days a week.  Not only does it keep me sane, it helps me stay strong to fight this fight.

I also am taking some natural supplements that were recommended in an article on natural remedies for lymphedema that a friend, (Tamara from Natural Health Solutions), sent me. I'm taking bromelain, horse-chestnut extract, and rutin twice a day.  

Where bromelain comes from

Buckwheat contains a bioflavonoid called rutin

Horse chestnut

One thing that I am sure is continuing to help me is your prayers. I am so blessed by you all.  Today at Bible study, two different women told me how inspirational I was.  I do hope I can help others as I go through this, but I take absolutely no credit in that. It all is the work of God in my life. I am weak, He is strong. If it wasn't for His grace and faithfulness, I would be a quivering heap of fear and despair. I am so thankful that God has not forgotten me.  That He hears me when I call on Him, even if I haven't been faithful in my devotions and prayers. Any inspiration that I may give I want to give credit to the One who has given me the strength to wake up each morning and fight this fight. I pray that everyone would grow closer in their relationship with Jesus as they see Him help me along this road.

Thanksgiving

I don't know how to sleep in.  With kids, we have evolved a schedule where we are usually up around 6 a.m., even on weekends. Since the time change a few weeks ago, I've been waking up some time around 5:30 a.m. I was so tired last night that I figured maybe I'd "sleep in" until 6:30 today.  Nope.  I was awake at my usual time.

As I lay there, I started to think about Thanksgiving and the things that I am thankful for.  I listed many of them in a post last week.

Of course, I am thankful to the things in my life that everyone else is: family; friends; the abundance of food; the creature comforts (a house, clothes, etc).  But there is more to it than that.  I am thankful for those things...but even more than those things, I am thankful for The One who has given them to me....God.  I am thankful FOR God, and I am thankful TO God.

Words are inadequate as I consider all of the aspects of God and how they directly impact me and the feelings that it gives me. I'm going to give it a try.

First of all, He created me. He knew me before I was born.  He had a plan for my life, even this cancer is part of that plan.  He holds me in the palm of His hand and guides me through this life.  When things get too scary, and they have at times during the past 5 months, I can turn to Him for comfort.  He is my shelter, my strong tower, my ever present help in times of trouble.  It is palpable.  I felt it on the biopsy table.  I felt it on the operating table.

He created the world and the things in it.  Every beautiful place and thing that brings me joy.  The beach, the mighty ocean. The majestic mountains with the smell of pine.  The stars in the sky, the sun and the moon.  The animals with all of their interdependent systems with other animals and the environment, God designed.  It is awesome when you think about it. He gave us music. Who doesn't enjoy music?

I am thankful for His Word.  The Bible is so much more than a book. It is kind of like an onion in that you can read it over and over and see new things in it each time as you dig a little deeper. It never gets old. It feeds my soul.  It answers all of my questions, even when the answer is "My ways are higher than your ways, My thoughts are higher than your thoughts."  It is a hand book for life.  Got questions about parenting? Marriage? Friendship? The nature of God? It's all in the bible.  I'm thankful that I can depend on the promises in the Word, especially in the midst of the cancer storm.  It brings me comfort to know that He promises to work out all things for the good.  Even me having cancer.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit.  He helps me to understand and relate to God in a deeper way.  This may sound strange if you are not born again or if you do not have a relationship with the Lord.  When you are saved you can ask the Lord for His Holy Spirit and He gives it to you.  Literally. The Spirit indwells in you.  For me, it has helped me to understand Scripture in a deeper way.  Those times when I have "felt" God, it has been the Spirit.  When I was lying there with a needle plunged deep into my armpit, it was the Holy Spirit that whispered to me, "I know the thoughts I have toward you.  Thoughts of good and not for evil.  Thoughts to give you a future and a hope."   The Holy Spirit also intercedes for me when I don't know what to pray-and there have been plenty of those times in the past 5 months as well.

I am thankful for Jesus. Without Him, I wouldn't be able to have this relationship with God.  Because I'm a sinner.  Even on my best day, its not good enough for a Holy God.  So He sent His son, Jesus, to take the punishment for my sin.  That was what the cruxifiction was all about. When He died and rose again, it gave all of us the opportunity to have a relationship with God if we choose to.  He is the bridge that brings the sinner (me) to God.  I can stand before God now and God sees me pure and holy.  Two things I am not, but I am because Jesus gives that to me. That is the ultimate thing to be thankful for!  He paid my eternal debt.

What amazes me is that all of these things that I have talked about here, all of these various aspects are all part of the same God.  He is so much bigger than we can even comprehend.  I think sometimes people who refuse to believe certain things, (like God creating the world in 6 days), put God in a "human box."  It just sounds so outrageous to them.  If we were talking about man, even the smartest Nobel prize winning scientist, it is.  But we are talking about God.  It's mind blowing. He is mind blowing.

As I enjoy this Thanksgiving holiday, I am counting my blessings.   I am thinking of all the good things that I am thankful for.  But I am also thinking of the One who has given them to me and thanking HIM for those things.  Every good and perfect gift comes from God.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you want to consider this further, I highly recommend checking out this link to a special sermon from my pastor on giving thanks.

Being joyful

How am I feeling today, round 4 day 2? I'm a little tired. I can feel the "chemo fog" moving in. I have one more day on the steroid, which is giving me energy that I need to be careful not to tap too much into.  It's a fine balance, because I don't want to stop moving altogether and falling into a pit of lethargy. For me, it is important to do something physical every day. Mentally, it reminds myself that I am strong. Physically, it releases endorphins and helps with fatigue that chemo brings on.  But there is a struggle not to give into feeling sorry for myself or gloomy, waiting for the ax to fall as it were.

My activity today was to take Jean-Marc and Lucie (our dog) on a 1 hour walk in the neighborhood. There are several hills, so it was easy to break a small sweat. While walking, I was listening to a sermon from a church up in Carpenteria, CA called Reality. The topic was on overview of Phillipians. I've always loved verses from that book, so I thought why not listen to the sermon?  Some of my life verses are:

• ⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7, New King James Version)
•  ¹³ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  
  (Philippians 4:13, New King James Version)

There are lots of other great and empowering verses in the book.  As an overview, the pastor mentioned that the book is about JOY.  Having joy in Christ. These verses from chapter 4 kind of skip over a fundamental truth that is revealed earlier in the book:  that joy and its power comes after you are in Christ.  The apostle Paul was writing this book from prison in Rome.  He wasn't living an easy life at the time-he was in bondage.  Yet he was filled with joy and expressed it in this letter to his friends. It is easy to blow off someone who sings about sunshine and lollipops when their lives are all rosy and fine. Perhaps we take a closer listen when that person is not in a place of comfort.  It gave me a lot to think about on my walk. 

About 30 minutes later, I was taking Isabelle to her horse riding lessons. We pass a small church on the way that has a little message on their marquee.  Today's message was, "Be joyful, even when it hurts." 

That is what I want to be. Joyful regardless of my relative circumstances. Even when it hurts. These circumstances I am in right now are temporary, whether they be good or bad. To many, my circumstances are grave. I suppose they are.  I'm in chemotherapy for stage III breast cancer.  But for the most part,  I am joyful throughout it.  When I am not, I realize it is because I am straying from God in the "busy-ness" of life. Everything is temporary: health; financial security (or insecurity); plans for the day/week/year; activities; the comfort offered by friends and family.  Don't get me wrong, I am joyful and thankful for so many things, I can only begin to enumerate here:

• The medical care I've been receiving at Kaiser has been excellent. My doctors and nurses are smart and caring and I trust them.  (Even though their administrative side is screwed up right now!)
• The concern and support from Eric. This cancer diagnosis has been hard on him too. I think it hit him harder back in June than it did me. It wasn't something that he could "fix." For me, I just had to put my head down and fight. This week he is especially stepping up since my mom is out of town. He's also going the extra mile because my birthday is next Tuesday. He has spent the last week having dents and scratches on my van repaired, plans on having it detailed (he can fix that). I am pretty sure I'll be the owner of an Amazon Kindle soon. But he's also stepping up to help with Jean-Marc so I can rest. 
• The support I've received from my family. My mom has yet to meet her second granddaughter, Kathryn Marie,  who was born last June because she needed to be here to help me get through surgery and chemo. I know that was hard on her and my sister, but they sacrificed that time for me. The prayers I know they are offering up on my behalf daily. It brings joy to my heart and gratitude that I can't even begin to express. 
• The support from my family in Christ. My church family, not only those in North County, but spread out around the world. I know I am on several prayer lists from friends and family in places far and wide.  It's not just prayer either. On Sundays, its comfort, laying on of hands, anointing with oil, encouragement and friendship. 
• The support from my friends. People have helped in so many ways: bringing meals; giving my kids rides to and from activities; asking about how I am doing; and expressing a willingness to do anything I need. 
• The opportunities this has opened for me to learn about breast cancer. To meet other survivors. To do things to raise awareness of this disease so the impact may be lessened in the future.  That was a door that God has opened for me in the past few months. 

From a relative world-point of view, I have been blessed-even in the midst of breast cancer.  I am immensely grateful for it all.  I know it all is a gift from God.  (All good things are, you know).

But there is something deeper when you talk about being "joyful." It isn't dependent on the immediate circumstances.  And that comes from knowing Christ.  He will never let me down. He has been with me every step of the way in this journey.  I remember having the biopsy back in early June. They had me topless lying on my side with a wedgie underneath my left upper back so they could get to the lymph nodes. The ultrasound tech was on my right, the radiologist on my left with a huge needle.  The doctor knew the one site was a lymph node, but had nothing but questions about the mass on my left breast.  I just closed my eyes and felt the presence of Jesus holding me in His Hand.  And he kept repeating to me "I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope."  Over and over. I was able to block out the big needle that was plunged into my side digging out chunks of my flesh to send to the lab.  I had a peace that passed understanding.

I have other examples that come to mind throughout the past several months.  In the midst of that pain, that is joy.  To have the comfort of God. The only one who really knows where I am at any time-not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.  The only one who can minister to me perfectly through His Word and presence because of that intimate knowledge of me.

The temporal things of this life may come and they may go.  People, even those closest to you, can let you down. You can't find that kind of joy in any human relationship.  But the joy from the relationship I have with Christ will last forever. To live truly is Christ and to die is gain. (Phillipians 1:21)  Yes, something will kill me. It is the same for you, too.  10 out of 10 people will die.  It may be breast cancer. Or it may be getting into an auto accident next week. Only God knows the number of our days.  That will be sad for those left here who care for me.  Thinking about that makes me want to cry.  Imagining my kids growing up without me tears my heart out. As for me, I will be face to face with Christ and still have my soul and spirit. I will know and be known to all of those in heaven.  For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.  (1 Corinthians 13:12, New King James Version)

I hope I don't come across as a Pollyanna.  Like Paul, I am in an uncomfortable place right now. But I can be joyful because of who Christ is and what He has done for me.  I urge everyone out there to be as well.  If you don't know Him, He is just waiting for you to open that door to your heart. He's been standing there knocking.

God bless you!

A Psalm for going into chemotherapy

 ¹ Plead my cause, O LORD, with those who strive with me;
         Fight against those who fight against me.  (cancer cells)
 ² Take hold of shield and buckler,
         And stand up for my help.
 ³ Also draw out the spear, 
(the cytoxan, taxotere, and Your mighty power)
         And stop those who pursue me.  (cancer cells)
         Say to my soul,
         “I am your salvation.”  
(Thank you Lord, no matter what, I know I am saved)
      
 ⁴ Let those be put to shame and brought to dishonor
         Who seek after my life;
         Let those be turned back and brought to confusion 
(I love the image of these cells being confused into destruction!)
         Who plot my hurt.
 ⁵ Let them be like chaff before the wind,
         And let the angel of the LORD chase them.
 ⁶ Let their way be dark and slippery,
         And let the angel of the LORD pursue them.
 ⁷ For without cause they have hidden their net for me in a pit,
         Which they have dug without cause for my life.  
(Yes, cancer is trying to kill me, has been for awihle before I knew it)
 ⁸ Let destruction come upon him unexpectedly,
         And let his net that he has hidden catch himself;
         Into that very destruction let him fall.  
(Yes, but we have turned it around on them..we cut out as many with the surgeons knife, and now we are after them with poison. Thank you God for the medical team and technology that You have allowed to be developed)
      
 ⁹ And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD;
         It shall rejoice in His salvation.       
(Yes, regardless of the trial, I am able to rejoice in the Lord. His joy is my strength)
 ¹⁰ All my bones shall say,
         “LORD, who is like You,
         Delivering the poor from him who is too strong for him,
         Yes, the poor and the needy from him who plunders him?”
      
 ¹¹ Fierce witnesses rise up;
         They ask me things that I do not know.
 ¹² They reward me evil for good,
         To the sorrow of my soul.
 ¹³ But as for me, when they were sick,
         My clothing was sackcloth;
         I humbled myself with fasting;
         And my prayer would return to my own heart.
 ¹⁴ I paced about as though he were my friend or brother;
         I bowed down heavily, as one who mourns for his mother.
      
 ¹⁵ But in my adversity they rejoiced
         And gathered together;
         Attackers gathered against me,
         And I did not know it;
         They tore at me and did not cease;
 ¹⁶ With ungodly mockers at feasts
         They gnashed at me with their teeth.
      
 ¹⁷ Lord, how long will You look on?
         Rescue me from their destructions,
         My precious life from the lions. 
(Yes Lord, rescue me from this disease if it is Your will. I know you are in control and able.)
 ¹⁸ I will give You thanks in the great assembly;
         I will praise You among many people.
      
 ¹⁹ Let them not rejoice over me who are wrongfully my enemies;
         Nor let them wink with the eye who hate me without a cause.
 ²⁰ For they do not speak peace,
         But they devise deceitful matters
         Against the quiet ones in the land.
 ²¹ They also opened their mouth wide against me,
         And said, “Aha, aha!
         Our eyes have seen it.”
      
 ²² This You have seen, O LORD;
         Do not keep silence.
         O Lord, do not be far from me.
I cannot imagine going through this without You near me Lord. You are always there. When I cannot feel you it is because I have wandered away. But you are faithful to wait for me to come back with open and loving arms, my Abba.)


 ²³ Stir up Yourself, and awake to my vindication,
         To my cause, my God and my Lord.
 ²⁴ Vindicate me, O LORD my God, according to Your righteousness;
         And let them not rejoice over me.
 ²⁵ Let them not say in their hearts, “Ah, so we would have it!”
         Let them not say, “We have swallowed him up.”
      
 ²⁶ Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
         Who rejoice at my hurt;
         Let them be clothed with shame and dishonor
         Who exalt themselves against me.
      
 ²⁷ Let them shout for joy and be glad,
         Who favor my righteous cause;
         And let them say continually,
         “Let the LORD be magnified,
         Who has pleasure in the prosperity of His servant.” 


(This goes for all of you on my "team." Be glad all you who are favoring my cause through prayer, practical help, and kindness.  There are so many "little" things that people have done for my family and I since June. I am so thankful for you. Keep it coming, we aren't through this yet. But through this time, it is my prayer that the Lord will be magnified in your heart and that you can see Him working in this situation.  Anything good in it is a gift from Him. He is in control, on His throne. I trust Him with everything.  Do you?


 ²⁸ And my tongue shall speak of Your righteousness
         And of Your praise all the day long. (Psalm 35, New King James Version)  


Amen!  We are not "rightous" or "good people" apart from the saving work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Only God is good to begin with.  And he sacrificed on the cross (Read Psalm 22) so to give us that gift. Thank you Jesus for bringing me into your grace so I may call myself your child. I will praise you all the day long, even with an IV stuck in my arm!

Thoughts on communion Sunday

I was able to go back to church this morning. It was so nice to see people again and do something that felt normal...even if I felt a little different doing it. The fellowship of the saints is such a blessed and beautiful thing. I realized during communion today that it is yet another thing to be thankful to Jesus for. Without His sacrifice on the cross, none of us could be reconciled with God. Without that relationship that we each individually have with Him, we would not be able to have that fellowship of the spirit with each other, either. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

People keep telling me I look good. I suppose, all things considered, I am doing good. I struggle with frustration because I want to be back to normal. I was reminded by a dear sister this morning that God appointed this time in my life to REST. I need to be obedient to that. Make no mistake about it-the only reason I am where I am is because of the Lord Jesus Christ giving me His grace to go on. Seriously. For the past 6 weeks, He has kept me from completely freaking out over having cancer. I've had some weak moments, to be sure. I'm human. But I realize looking back on those moments that those are the times when I neglect to reach out to the One who is right there with me in all of this.

There is a story in the gospels that has brought me back to reality of God's loving provision before in my life and I was reminded of it again this morning during communion. It is when Jesus and the disciples are on a boat crossing the Sea of Galilee. Jesus has been ministering to the multitudes all day. He had to have been wiped out. So he is sleeping in the boat. All of a sudden a fierce storm comes up. It has to be bad, because the disciples (several of whom were experienced fishermen), are in fear of their life. They wake Jesus up and let him have it, screaming that they are about to die. Didn't He care? Here they are, on the edge of life and death, and Jesus is missing in action-He's asleep! Jesus rises and rebukes the storm with a word. All is calm. They were not in danger. Jesus was in their boat. They just forgot momentarily who was with them.

This cancer is definitely a raging storm in my life at the moment. It is very easy to forget that I've got Jesus in my boat. When I forget that, I have dark moments. I can even freak out and be afraid of dying. But I'm not in danger as long as I have Him. Even beyond that, but I know that God allowed this storm into my life for reasons that are only known to Him. He is using this pain to make me a better person. A better friend. More compassionate. A better ambassador of Him. He's using it in ways to change those around me for the better too. I don't even know all of the ripples that my storm has out in the universe. But God does. And I know that He is using it for the good for everyone.

I'm reading a book called, "A Future and a Hope" by Jon Courson. I've always enjoyed Jon's practical teaching of the Word. This book is described as "Sermons of comfort in seasons of confusion." I recommend it for anyone, especially during difficult times in your life. In it, he says that Christians are like tea bags. You don't know what flavor they are until they are dunked in hot water. Well, I'm in hot water right now. It is my hope that my flavor is sweet to the Lord. I hope that others recognize God's work in this and glorify Him in it. I hope that I grow closer to Him each day. And that you do too. He will use this seemingly bad event/storm/cancer for good. One day, we will all sit back and marvel at the outcome.

I know He will. He is faithful to complete the work.

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Come, all who are burdened...

I'm in Catalina right now. Eric decided to bring his laptop, so I'm taking advantage of it to record some thoughs I had in the middle of the night last night

I woke up at 1 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. Par for the course, except that usually happens around 4 a.m. I didn't want to be up for the day after only 3 hours of sleep. I tossed and turned for about 30 minutes and then decided to get my iPhone and listen to some of the relaxation podcasts I had downloaded. They are supposedly for coping with breast cancer.

There was one called "The Gift." In it, she directs you to think of a place where you feel safe. I tried to visualize what it looks like when I feel like I am in God's arms. I think of it as being "in the shelter of the shadow of His wings." There are numerous references to this place in Scripture. God is also my strong tower, a shelter in the storm. But what would that practially look like? I didn't have a chance to think about it too much because the podcast went on. She directs you to imagine a person that you respect and admire. Instantly, Jesus popped into my mind. This person comes towards you and gives you a hug. Okay, that one is easy for me to imagine. After awhile, this person gives you a gift. It is something that you need to get through your difficult situation.

What gift would Jesus give me to help me cope with what I'm going through? In the short term, I need rest. But as I thought about it, the obvious answer came. The gift He has given me is eternal life--the power over death. By His death on the cross on my behalf, I am brought into fellowship spiritually with God. That started the second I put my faith in Him and will last forever. The body that I am in now will die. Whether it is from cancer or being hit by a bus in a week. But that abudant relationship that I have with God and other believers will never die. Cancer cannot win. Jesus fought the battle for my soul. It is finished.

After the podcast, I continued to ponder these things. A verse came to mind: "Come, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) I repeated that over and over in my mind. Every time I thought about how I was unable to sleep, I would repeat that verse in my mind. Over and over. I eventually drifted off to sleep. I realize now that Jesus gave me the short term gift I needed in the middle of the night. Thank you Jesus!