Unleaded

I went back to the gym today and am happy to report that the "bucket of lead" feeling that I had 2 days ago is gone.  I did an hour of intervals on the treadmill.  Granted, my "running" is probably slower than many.  But I figure my legs are shorter than many as well, so there!  I still felt good and decided to do a little extra to make up for the piece of pear tarte I had last night, so I got on the stationary bike and did another 20 minutes.  All in all, I burned 650 calories.  I guess there is something to be said for rest days. I'm thankful that I felt normal again. I was worried that the fatigue I had heard about radiation was setting in.  Hopefully, it won't!

I am also happy to report that I am definitely getting regrowth of hair on my head.  A friend gave me a kit of Ovation cell therapy for my hair.  I'm using it about 3 times a week.  There is definitely a noticeable dark fuzz. I'm liking it!  I didn't like my bald head so much-I've got a few moles that made me self conscious.  Funny the lack of hair itself wasn't the embarrassing thing for me.   No sign of leg or underarm hair.  They can stay away, thank you very much. I'm pretty sure the radiation will permanently take care of the underarm hair on the left side. I haven't shaved my legs in months.  Call it a chemo silver lining.  

I've been pondering my scars. I was doing my manual drainage this afternoon after my shower and included rubbing some Vitamin E oil into my mastectomy scars.  Since it was right after my shower, I had no clothes on and looked for my cesarean scar.  You know what??  I couldn't even see it!  Now that scar is one that I always kind of ignored.  I knew it was there, and didn't like it one bit.  Maybe it was a little bit of avoidance.  At ICAN conferences when other women were photographing their scars for various photo galleries, I managed to avoid it.  Now it is 11 1/2 years later and I can't even see it.  I had to look really hard and saw a very thin white line. When did that happen? I wonder if my mastectomy scars will look like that someday?  Right now, they still look like Frankenstein.  I'm coming up on my 6 month mastectomy anniversary.  I think I will take a photo of them just to record what it looks like.

I just finished watching a movie that made me cry and cry.  I actually like to do that in front of movies. It's a good emotional release. This one was called "Letters to God."  It's about a little boy with brain cancer who writes letters to God.  Through his life and his battle with cancer, he ends up inspiring dozens, if not hundreds, of other people to come to know Christ and have a relationship with God. At the end, he does pass away which pretty much did me in.  I cannot imagine having to say goodbye to one of my kids like the mom in that movie did.  Even with that, though, it is inspiring and uplifting.  It reminded me that while God's plan may not be our plan, it ultimately is the best plan.  The lives that this boy touched and souls that were saved as a result was amazing. I hope my life bears fruit like that little boys did, cancer or not.

No regrets

I have this amazing gift of flexibility now that I did not have before.  I can choose to have hair.  And not just "hair" but hair that looks salon-perfect. Or I can choose to wear a scarf on my head. Or a hat. Or a cut up T-shirt made to look like a turban.  Do I have a headpiece to match this outfit?  If not, I can just put my hair on in seconds.  I just have to glance in the mirror to make sure it is on straight.

Even better is that I can choose to have breasts or not.  Let me tell you, it is very nice not to have them when I am exercising!  (Or when I step on the scale for my weekly weigh-in!)  Do I feel like wearing a bra today?  It has been very easy getting used to the feeling of freedom that going bra-less provides.  It never bothered me before to wear one-it was just one of those things that you get used to as a woman.  But a few months without having to wear one makes a big difference.  I pointed out to my friends this week that I wasn't wearing my "boobs" that day before our power walk.  It was the first time they said they noticed I was flat. Maybe they were just being nice.  But people don't seem to notice the ironing board look that I sport most days. It could be that the hair/no hair/hat/scarf thing gets the most attention.

In any event, I am enjoying having choices in how I look.

As I thought about it, I realized that it gives me another reason I have no regrets about choosing a bilateral mastectomy rather than a single.  Then my choice would be "lopsided or not?"  I would feel uncomfortable going without a bra, so I would end up wearing the prosthetic most of the time. I know others have made different choices and that is fine.  We all have to live with our decisions and I'm DEFINITELY not knocking a woman who made a different one than me.  I'm just saying that I'm happy with my own personal choice.

Speaking of living with the consequences of mastectomy, there is an amazing exhibition in New York this year called The Scar Project. Its a series of large scale photographs of young women who have had the surgery. Some are in various phases of reconstruction. Some have had bilateral, others unilateral. There is even one woman who is pregnant after a bilateral mastectomy.  If I was in NYC, I would go in person.  But you can check it out online as well.    The website has this quote from the photographer:

"Although Jay began shooting The SCAR Project primarily as an awareness raising campaign he was not prepared for something much more immediate . . . and beautiful: “For these young women, having their portrait taken seems to represent their personal victory over this terrifying disease. It helps them reclaim their femininity, their sexuality, identity and power after having been robbed of such an important part of it. Through these simple pictures, they seem to gain some acceptance of what has happened to them and the strength to move forward with pride.”


It is brave for them to be photographed for public exhibition like this. I'm glad they did, so we call can see what this disease does to women.  Like the poster for the Exhibition says "Breast Cancer is Not a Pink Ribbon."  It's a good reminder this month of October.  It may be fun to sport pink ribbons and talk about mammograms during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  But it definitely leaves a path of physical destruction in its wake.  Thank God that treatment has increased survival rates.  The scars will be there forever, though. Yes, breast cancer is not a pink ribbon. (I still will put one on my car, though!)

I don't know if I could pose like that, even for my own personal use.  I have thought of taking pictures at various stages of recovery, just to document.  But I haven't done it yet.  My scars still look like Frankenstein. It reminds me of being at ICAN conferences where women would photograph their cesarean scars. I never did.  I never wanted to.  I still don't like to touch that darn scar, even though I've come so far and grown so much since that day in 1999.  It is similar, but not exactly the same with my mastectomy scars. I can touch them-I massage Vitamin E oil into them daily.  It is an interesting thing for me to ponder, and I don't have answers right now.  Both scars deal directly with my femininity and womanhood. I didn't plan to write this-it just came out as I was typing.  Maybe I will blog more about it later when I have some answers.  Right now, the more I think about it, the more questions I ask myself.

Studies, support and girly stuff

I could either call this day 15, or C minus 14. Whatever. It's another day, and I think its going to be a good one.

Last night, I really focused on my arm stretches. I found a little American Cancer Society booklet with a few more. I'm not just doing the same ones every time, but mixing it up a bit. As long as I'm moving my arms in all directions, stretching the chest wall, I think I'll be in good shape. I was really encouraged last night as to how much I was able to do. I need to try and keep good posture throughout the day-it is so easy to hunch over. I suppose that goes for all of us, doesn't it?

As I expected, Eric came home yesterday and started researching adriamycin. He sent me a few links of some studies on it. I began reading them, but quickly began to feel panic rising in my gut. The bottom line of the study was good-outcomes for patients who left the adriamycin out were better than those who had it. Okay fine. What bothered me was how they described the patients. "Stage I, Stage II, or treatable stage III cancer," "node positive women," and the like were unsettling. It is scary to be in the most severe category in the study. I don't like to think of my life in terms of survival chances.

I've also come to the conclusion that reading cancer support group bulletin boards isn't a good thing for me. It's too bad, because in the past I've found such wonderful support from online support groups. When Olivier was an infant, I found Cleft-talk, a support group for parents with children with cleft lips or palates. Of course, ICAN was a big part of my life when preparing for my post-cesarean births. While I like the information I can glean from the breast cancer support boards, I am sometimes unsettled by other women's stories. Even their "stats." On paper, their stats are "better" than mine. Not all of them, but some. Their tumors were smaller. They were only a stage I or II. Little to no lymph node involvement. Mine feels like a mountain compared to theirs.

I know it could be worse. Heck, it can always be worse, right? At least I'm not a "triple negative." At least my PET scan came back clear and my cancer hasn't spread to my bones or other organs. (Although the chances of evil cancer cells floating around looking for a home is very high.) There are some women who are dealing with those issues as well. But its not a comfort.

I'm thinking a "live" support group will be what I need, rather than reading it online.

Enough of that. Let's get back to why today will be a good day. Mom and I are going to the gym, which always makes me feel better. I found out on Wednesday, that I can do the stair climber as long as I don't use my arms. Some people lean over the machine and rest their weight on their arms. First off, that's cheating! Other than that, I can't put the weight on my arms. So as long as I just climb, I'm good. It's killer, burns tons of calories and makes me sweat. Love it!

Today is also a day of preparations. Isabelle is turning 9 on the 9th. We are going to celebrate her birthday tomorrow, before my mother in law goes home. It works out perfectly because she is leaving early this afternoon for a slumber party for another friend, so we can decorate and surprise her when she gets home tomorrow. Mom is going to bring over her new ice cream maker and we will make home made rocky road ice cream. I get to bake a cake. Fun stuff.

I enjoy all of my kids' birthdays. I especially enjoy Isabelle's. It was such a triumph over adversity. My first homebirth, and my first vaginal birth after cesarean. It made me a stronger woman, and I need to remember those strong times right now as I go through another trial that will make me stronger too.

It is great having a daughter. I can't help but be a little sad that she now has a "family history of breast cancer." At least it makes her more aware of her risk. Bless her heart, I've seen her lift one arm in the air and feel around her armpit like she is doing a breast self exam. I'll find out next week the results of the BRCA genetic tests to see if I carry one of the two known breast cancer genes. Those results will impact her as well. We are looking forward to school clothes shopping-something I'd like to do before my first chemo on the 20th. She got a coupon in the mail from her favorite store, Justice. She's saved it for our special "girls shopping day." I'm hoping that mom, Isabelle and I can hit the mall and engage in some fun shopping therapy and a girls lunch.

My prayer requests today are the same as yesterdays. Thank you so much for your prayers and support! I am blessed by you all!

New day, new attitude

Saturday morning, 9 days post-op.

I slept pretty well last night. Taking 2 of the pain killers before bed definitely knocks me out. Eric and I watched a romantic comedy last night, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." It was a great escape, and a change from our usual viewing menu. Lately, we've been watching a lot of World War II documentaries. That's okay, but it was nice to get away from all of the bang bang stuff. For awhile, I even forgot about cancer and pain. Although when it was over, I was about 1 hour overdue for my meds. Ouch!

Eric and I had a "meeting of the minds" after my post yesterday. He had read my blog and got some insight into what I was feeling. He commented that it was pretty lame that he had to read my blog to know how I was feeling. True. But sometimes it is easier to write it down than say it out loud. It was refreshing to just be able to cry and be frustrated in front of someone. I hold it together for the kids-I don't want to scare them. I let Eric see it, though. It was good. I know its got to be hard for him. He's the sort of guy who wants to "fix" things that are wrong. This just can't be fixed so easily.

Mom and I went for a walk again yesterday. We added a lap around the lake, which made it a total of 3 miles. Before she got to my house, I tried doing some squats. That felt so good! I made up my own little circuit of various squats: traditional; sumo; side; etc. My legs felt like they got some exercise, and I'm even a little sore today. Mom and I are going to do the Susan G. Komen 3 Day walk when I'm over this. It will probably be November, 2011. We'll form a team-the Pink & Plaid Warriors. Anyone want to join us? We're going to get shirts and hats made. It will be fun, and its one of those things to look forward to.

I was a little bummed yesterday to step on the scale and find that I'd gained a few pounds. I've always exercised hard so I could be a little freer with the food. With my mother in law here, it just adds to the temptation. Dessert is considered an integral part of the meal...even lunch. So I need to resolve to be more disciplined in what I eat so this slow down in activity doesn't catch up to me and I regain the weight I lost before I knew I had cancer.

Yesterday, mom and I watched my sister Tara's home birth video. Amazing! Her daughter, Kathryn Marie, was born a month ago. She has it on video, and had a friend take the most amazing pictures as well. It was awesome to watch. She is so strong and POWERFUL! Like her husband commented right before she started to push, "She pushes like a ninja!" Mom and I were in tears by the end. It was so wonderful to see my sister so happy. Happy doesn't even quite cover the elation and joy. It was great. I feel bad because my mom hasn't been able to go visit Tara. She usually would go for a few weeks to help out after she has a baby. Now I'm the big baby who needs mom. I know everyone understands, but I can't help but feel like I'm ripping people off in a way.

I've felt many parallels between this breast cancer journey and the journey one goes through in birth. You can have support people around you, and it is great. But there are some parts, some scary parts, that you just have to do on your own. Even when physically there may be people right next to you. I should think on the similarities and differences some more and write more about it. One thing this experience is teaching me is to try and trust medical professionals. My experiences in birth activism and ICAN exposed me to so many stories and instances where women were lied to and manipulated by doctors to make "choices" that weren't really their own. It kind of soured me to all things "medical." Now I need to learn to do my own homework, listen to the counsel of my doctors, and trust them. As one ICAN friend, who is also on this cancer journey, pointed out: "Birth is normal. Cancer is not."

My good friend, Nicole, brought dinner yesterday. Nicole went through a bilateral mastectomy about 15 months ago. It was wonderful to talk to her, see how much her scars (on the outside) have faded. Although I tried to be supportive as best I could, I had no clue what she was going through back then. It is nice to have someone who has been there before that I can talk to and ask questions of.

Today we are going to take Isabelle to her riding lesson. It is fun to watch her ride. I also need to stop off at Kaiser in San Marcos and refill my pain meds. Later in the day, we need to go to Trader Joes and get some beverages. TJs is the best for juice. Organic, and not too expensive! It feels good to have things to "do" that aren't necessarily cancer related. Almost normal.

My prayer requests today:

• That my body continue to heal and the pain subside. I'm refilling my pain meds, but I hope I don't have to use them.