Happy birthday to me

I'm 41 years old today.

One of my survivor sisters on Sunday (at the Charger game) mentioned that after you are diagnosed with cancer, you never look at birthdays the same way again.  I suppose that is true.  Although I am in the midst of heavy cancer-treatment overload, so its hard for me to think much about it at all.  I'm sure I'll have deeper thoughts about it next year when treatment is in the rear view mirror.

I am doing better than I was yesterday.  Yesterday, I felt like I was stuck in a cancer swamp.  Or quicksand.  Everything I did and experienced came back to me having cancer and feeling bad.  Mentally, physically and emotionally, I was a mess.  My right arm is bruised from the IV for the first time.  Both on my forearm and inside my elbow from last weeks' blood draws.  I went to bed in tears, just hoping that the next day would be better.  I was a little disgusted with myself, throwing myself a pity party just a few days after having blogged about how "joyful" I should be, even in the pain. I couldn't even stick with that for 48 hours.  Woe was me.

There are times I wish I could just flip a switch in my head and stop thinking and talking about the various aspects of this disease.  I feel like a one track wonder. I mean, isn't there anything else in my life?  If I'm not talking about chemo, I'm talking about the insurance aspect, or lymphedma, or whatever.  Blah, blah, blah.  I can imagine how boring I can get to my acquaintances.

Anyway, today is my birthday and I am feeling better.  I got dozens of well wishes on Facebook.  Three flower deliveries-how neat is that?  I can't remember ever getting one, much less three in one day!  My family blessed me with an Amazon Kindle and I love it. I'm reading "Pride and Prejudice" on it and loving it.

I was hoping to enjoy food today, but it wasn't to be. That is a strange thing for me with chemo in the first week. I'm not nauseous.  Instead, food just has no taste. Or its metallic. I'll think of something that really sounds good and will make it.  I'll go to the store and spend time on it and everything.  Then when it comes down to eating it, it is just blah and unsatisfying.  It's kind of a bummer you your birthday.

But I am glad to be here for this year.  I did have a good birthday, as good as it could be at this point in my life. I thank you all for your prayers and love.

More thoughts on preparation

Eric got up in the night to take something for a headache. He deals with stress by getting physically ill. The lights he turned on while up made me come out of a deep sleep, although I didn't completely wake up. But it was enough to turn the brain on. Maybe that was a good thing, because I faintly remember a dream I had during the night where I found more lumps in my left axilla (armpit). In the dream, I was upset because I thought they had taken out all of the lymph nodes, and yet I was finding more lumps. Not fair!

Anyway, as I lay there in my semi-conscious state, I was thinking more about how God set the stage for this phase of my life. As many have reminded me, God knew this trial was coming in my life long before I did. It was no surprise to Him. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16)

He prepared us financially. Eric had about 2-3 years of serial unemployment. The right job just never came around. He'd work for a company for a few months, then they would restructure and cut the entire U.S. team. Or reorganize and eliminate his position. There was never the feeling of job security or financial stability. That changed in October 2008 when he began working for a French medicinal chemistry company, Prestwick Chemical. Despite these tough economic times, the company is doing well, and business is up. It helps us pay for my medical bills without worry. He likes the people he works with and for, and they like him. They even send a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to me a week ago. Nice!

He prepared us with our house and the things in it. We had been looking for a larger house off and on for many years. After Jean-Marc was born, we were pretty tight in our first house, so the search intensified. We moved into this house around Thanksgiving of 2009. Eric and I also finally got rid of the hammock-like mattress that we had been sleeping on for 11 years. We bought a Cal-King bed. It looked huge to us at first, and took some time to get used to the feel of it. I found out about my cancer right around the time I realized I was used to the feel of the new mattress. We are in a home were we all have space to escape to our own rooms, our own secret places, when we need to. I can rest in a comfortable bed when I'm tired. I imagine as I get into chemo I will appreciate that more and more.

I've already mentioned how He prepared me physically. By placing in my heart for the first time in my adult life the desire to get physically fit and lose weight. I don't need to dwell on that anymore. But I see as I work on rehabilitating myself from surgery, how being fit before the surgery not only helps me get over the surgery. But it also has helped me know the limits of my body and what it can do. My oncologist also said that the desire to exercise will help me during chemo as well.

He prepared me spiritually. I spent years just coming to church on Sunday, listening to the sermon, and going home until the next week. But a few years I really "plugged in." One Sunday when they were mentioning the need for help in the Children's Ministry, I felt the tug on my heart and stepped up. I spent 2 years teaching 1st and 2nd graders on Sunday mornings. During that time, I grew spiritually. Part of the curriculum I was teaching focused on Hebrew

feasts and traditions. Through that and my own study, I began to see how the Old Testament and those traditions and celebrations foretold the coming of Jesus in the New Testament. It really is true that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you. (James 4:8) When I got pregnant with Jean-Marc, I had to take a break from the Children's Ministry. (Well, other than my own kids.) When the baby was about 6 months old, I began going to the women's daytime bible study. I met so many wonderful ladies, and our study in Isaiah was amazing. God revealed Himself during my private study time, but also through the fellowship and counsel of the women in the study. Last year, I had the opportunity to lead the women's bible study as we went through Kay Smith's book, "Pleasing God." Again, God taught me much about how He wants me to live and interact with others...even my enemies.

He has prepared me with family and friends. Not only do I have a wonderfully supportive biological family, but I have learned through this that I also have a family in Christ. I knew that on an intellectual level, of course. After all, I had gotten to know so many wonderful people through the Children's and Women's ministries. But when you see people coming to your aid through prayer, through fellowship, through meals, it is a light bulb moment. Duh! This is what the body of Christ is all about.

The meals have truly been a blessing to our family. We've had friends not only from church, but scouts and the kids' school bring dinners. My mother in law has been amazed at it all-it is quite a testimony to her. The meals serve the practical purpose of helping me get food on the table to the family. But they also bless me in a way that is hard to describe. We feel supported and cared for in a way that helps us support and care for each other better. Does that make sense? I want to thank everyone who has been a part of the meals. It is wonderful. If anyone wants to help with meals, we will gratefully accept it. You can check out it out at MealBaby and sign up for a day. We even had a friend across the country send us a gift card for a restaurant through that site. Nice!

I know there are other examples of how God has prepared my family and I for this. I need to start writing them down when they come to mind in the random moments of the day. There are so many ways, big and small. It makes me marvel at how God works. As I've said before, this is all to serve a higher purpose (or multiple purposes) of His. I don't know what they are, maybe I never will. But I do recognize and believe with all my heart that He will work all of this out for the good of us all. (Romans 8:28)

My prayer requests for today:

• As always, healing. I'm down to 3 painkillers a day. Sometimes 4. It depends on how much it hurts. I am on an upward healing path, and that is good. I need it to continue.
• That Isabelle's birthday celebration be blessed. She is such a sweet girl, and loves to decorate and celebrate everyone else's birthdays. I want hers to be special too. Before cancer, we were thinking about her having a slumber party this year. There's no way I'm up to that, so she's a little disappointed. Hopefully we can have a fun family day today for her.
• That Eric be able to manage his stress without getting sick or stressing everyone else out. That he be able to draw near to God in this time. I know that this is something that God wants us ALL to do-draw near to Him. It's harder for some people to do that.
• That we enjoy the last day of my mother in law's visit. I know Jean-Marc especially will miss her when she's gone tomorrow. I hope we can enjoy today without long faces.

Studies, support and girly stuff

I could either call this day 15, or C minus 14. Whatever. It's another day, and I think its going to be a good one.

Last night, I really focused on my arm stretches. I found a little American Cancer Society booklet with a few more. I'm not just doing the same ones every time, but mixing it up a bit. As long as I'm moving my arms in all directions, stretching the chest wall, I think I'll be in good shape. I was really encouraged last night as to how much I was able to do. I need to try and keep good posture throughout the day-it is so easy to hunch over. I suppose that goes for all of us, doesn't it?

As I expected, Eric came home yesterday and started researching adriamycin. He sent me a few links of some studies on it. I began reading them, but quickly began to feel panic rising in my gut. The bottom line of the study was good-outcomes for patients who left the adriamycin out were better than those who had it. Okay fine. What bothered me was how they described the patients. "Stage I, Stage II, or treatable stage III cancer," "node positive women," and the like were unsettling. It is scary to be in the most severe category in the study. I don't like to think of my life in terms of survival chances.

I've also come to the conclusion that reading cancer support group bulletin boards isn't a good thing for me. It's too bad, because in the past I've found such wonderful support from online support groups. When Olivier was an infant, I found Cleft-talk, a support group for parents with children with cleft lips or palates. Of course, ICAN was a big part of my life when preparing for my post-cesarean births. While I like the information I can glean from the breast cancer support boards, I am sometimes unsettled by other women's stories. Even their "stats." On paper, their stats are "better" than mine. Not all of them, but some. Their tumors were smaller. They were only a stage I or II. Little to no lymph node involvement. Mine feels like a mountain compared to theirs.

I know it could be worse. Heck, it can always be worse, right? At least I'm not a "triple negative." At least my PET scan came back clear and my cancer hasn't spread to my bones or other organs. (Although the chances of evil cancer cells floating around looking for a home is very high.) There are some women who are dealing with those issues as well. But its not a comfort.

I'm thinking a "live" support group will be what I need, rather than reading it online.

Enough of that. Let's get back to why today will be a good day. Mom and I are going to the gym, which always makes me feel better. I found out on Wednesday, that I can do the stair climber as long as I don't use my arms. Some people lean over the machine and rest their weight on their arms. First off, that's cheating! Other than that, I can't put the weight on my arms. So as long as I just climb, I'm good. It's killer, burns tons of calories and makes me sweat. Love it!

Today is also a day of preparations. Isabelle is turning 9 on the 9th. We are going to celebrate her birthday tomorrow, before my mother in law goes home. It works out perfectly because she is leaving early this afternoon for a slumber party for another friend, so we can decorate and surprise her when she gets home tomorrow. Mom is going to bring over her new ice cream maker and we will make home made rocky road ice cream. I get to bake a cake. Fun stuff.

I enjoy all of my kids' birthdays. I especially enjoy Isabelle's. It was such a triumph over adversity. My first homebirth, and my first vaginal birth after cesarean. It made me a stronger woman, and I need to remember those strong times right now as I go through another trial that will make me stronger too.

It is great having a daughter. I can't help but be a little sad that she now has a "family history of breast cancer." At least it makes her more aware of her risk. Bless her heart, I've seen her lift one arm in the air and feel around her armpit like she is doing a breast self exam. I'll find out next week the results of the BRCA genetic tests to see if I carry one of the two known breast cancer genes. Those results will impact her as well. We are looking forward to school clothes shopping-something I'd like to do before my first chemo on the 20th. She got a coupon in the mail from her favorite store, Justice. She's saved it for our special "girls shopping day." I'm hoping that mom, Isabelle and I can hit the mall and engage in some fun shopping therapy and a girls lunch.

My prayer requests today are the same as yesterdays. Thank you so much for your prayers and support! I am blessed by you all!