Moving on....

Six weeks post-op. I finally feel like I am no longer handicapped by my surgery. It is now behind me. The sunburn sensation is gone. I am numb across my chest and upper arm, but that is probably a permanent thing. A thing that I was expecting. I don't have any pain in my incisions, either. It feels good to mentally close that chapter in my treatment.

What helped me make this mental switch? It probably had a lot to do with my physical therapy appointment this week where I was given the green light on picking up my toddler. It was neat last night to be able to put Jean-Marc into bed on my own last night. He is so cute. I read him "Goodnight Moon" and he says "nigh-night" to everything. That and "husssshhh." My little dude.

Per the physical therapist's instruction, I am massaging my scars while I put the vitamin E oil. Before, I would only touch them gingerly. It was kind of creepy. It still is kind of creepy, but I am able to move the tissue around more and feel like I'm doing something that is helping. Last night, the massage made a lot of the leftover surgical glue and scabs come off. Progress!

Yesterday morning it opted to work out at home with a Jillian DVD, "Burn Fat, Boost Metabolism." Coming out of my physical therapy appointment, I wanted to try a little upper body. This DVD is perfect, since it is mainly a cardio workout, but she does have a core circuit where you are in a plank (pushup) position. I did the whole thing, and just modified a few of the moves. For instance, I would do things on my knees, instead of a full pushup position. If I can do that a few more times, then I'll "graduate" myself to a full plank. It felt great to be "back." We'll see if I am sore in a bad way. Right now, it feels pretty good to have done it.

I am able to do more around the house as well. This morning, I was able to change the sheets on the kids' beds. Even the top bunk, which is a real pain. But I did it. Who knew I would be happy to do housework? I do have a post-op instruction from the surgeon that says I cannot do repetitive arm motions, including vacuuming and window washing, for 6 months. Hmm. I don't think I'm going to push that one! Wouldn't want to be injured, you know. I do expect to have an energy drain as I progress through my chemotherapy. So while I have the energy to do things around the house, I am enjoying it.

Ah chemo. Round two is in 8 days. The day prior, I go in for a visit with Dr. P, my oncologist, and get some lab work done to check my blood counts.

Having the kids in school has been a great time-sucker for me. Just picking up the kids at 2 different schools takes me from about 1:30 p.m. - 3:30 p.m. We are also having our backyard re-done, and that is also helping me change focus a bit. Today, we had concrete poured. As I type this, the guys are on their hands and knees out there, raking it and smoothing it. It's going to be great. Did I mention that after I beat cancer's bootie I am going to have a huge party? Everyone is invited. You'll see the nice backyard then.

I seem to be fighting a cold that Olivier brought home. I've had this sore throat for a few days now. It hasn't progressed to any other symptoms. I asked my son this morning how his cold started, and he confirmed that it was a sore throat. I'm gargling with warm salt water a few times a day. I just pray that it doesn't progress.

Other than that, physically I feel good. The metallic taste has gone from my mouth. My energy is normal. I still have hair. I wonder for how much longer? It is really a strange thing to wait for your hair to fall out. I run my hands through my hair and fully expect to have a clump in my hands. So far, though, it is sticking in my head. Wouldn't it be something if I was one of the ones that didn't experience hair loss? After all this preparation? I need to just stop thinking about it.

My prayer requests for today:

• That this sore throat go away. That it not progress into a full blown cold.
• That my kids stay healthy. Their health is my health. Not that I don't want them healthy anyway. I used to have this mommy immunity that would make it difficult for me to catch the cooties they came down with. Not anymore!
• That I be able to wait without being anxious. In this case, I'm not anxious in a scared kind of way. Just impatient. I need more patience, I guess.

Hair play

Oh the things one does while they are waiting for their hair to fall out. I've been getting creative.

When I went to the "Look Good, Feel Better" session, there was a lady who made custom hair pieces. I've also noticed in the American Cancer Society's catalog, "TLC" that they sell things called "halos" which are little pieces of hair that attach to the sides or bang of a hat or scarf to make it look like the hat or scarf is covering hair. They also are called "hairline accents." This is what they look like.

If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you'll remember I got a free wig from the ACS. I wasn't to thrilled with the style, but the color was not too bad. Lighter than I've been for awhile, but passable. Well, I decided to sacrifice it to try and make some of my own "hairline accents." I've cut several pieces from it to make detachable bangs, as well as hair that can stick out from under the sides and back of hats and scarves. The idea is to sew velcro to the hat or scarf (the soft side) and then velcro to the hair piece. Then if I want or need to have the look of hair peeking out, I can just stick it on. I've sewn the velcro to the hair, but only to one hat. I'm thinking of maybe trying sticky velcro rather than sew on velcro so I don't have to put seams in the hats. We'll see. It's a work in progress.

We are kidless this weekend. All three of them are down at their cousin's house for a "cousin weekend." How amazing is that? We really are blessed by my sister in law and mom for doing this. She's even bringing Isabelle up to San Marcos for her riding lesson in the middle of it. The older two were really excited to spend their last weekend of summer vacation this way. Jean-Marc has no clue, but my mom is going down too so he'll do okay with her. He has gotten very used to having "gamma" around every day. It's a far cry from when he was smaller and he would cry at the sight of her. (And most everybody else!)

Eric and I are taking advantage of our status this weekend to go out. Last night we went for a walk on the beach at Cardiff and had dinner at the Charthouse. I even wore the "fluffies" in my camisole. It felt wierd and lumpy. But having something "on top" helps to define my waistline a bit more. Otherwise, I just look thick. Tonight I think we are going to go see "Eat, Drink, Pray, Love" and have dinner at Canapes in San Marcos. My sister in law and mom will bring the kids up for church on Sunday and I'll get them back then.

It has been 8 days since chemo. I realized late yesterday that I need to just get on my knees and thank God for allowing me to come through this round as well as I have. It was almost like I wanted to get sick for some reason. Then it would feel real. Like I really do have breast cancer. (Maybe I don't anymore. The surgery may have gotten every single bit. But I digress...) I was browsing other blogs yesterday and read a blog of someone whose first round really knocked her for a loop. She was out of it most of the week, and her counts were so low she was in the hospital in a near quarantine status. What the heck am I complaining about?

It helps to read other blogs. In Jennifer Griffin's blog that I mentioned last time, she exercised every day while on chemo. Our cases are a bit different, though. She did chemo before her surgery. The chemo pretty much did away with her huge tumors. I'm almost jealous reading it. On the other hand, it is encouraging to see other women survive Stage 3. I also can be thankful that my cancer is not triple negative. At least there are more treatment options.

I realized today that one way I can combat this waiting agony is to think of ways I can fight this cancer each and every day. I can do that by eating well and exercising. I'm learning more and more about cancer fighting foods. Food is medicine! It can do you a world of good, and it can also make you sick if you eat junk. I'm trying to do to exercise every day, but I am a bit hamstrung (no pun intended) by my surgical recovery. It has been 5 weeks and I don't want to overdo it by bouncing too much. I try to mix it up so I don't get bored. I'm a little wary of the gym and the germs there, but I did make it there twice this week. I also can do some exercise videos at home, or power walks. Anything to keep my metabolism going, get those endorphins flowing, and blood circulating so the chemo drugs can get to every cell in my body. BAM!

The sunburn feeling on my chest is pretty much gone. Now it feels kind of tight on the incisions. You know the feeling when a cut is healing? It's the same thing. I've been massaging Vitamin E oil onto the scars twice a day. The scabs are starting to flake off too. It's kind of gross, but it makes it look not quite so jagged and Frankenstein-like.

So that's where I am. Enjoying a relaxed weekend. Missing the kids a little bit. Looking forward to their starting school next week when we can get into a routine with new challenges and excitement.

Recovery notes

Day 13 of recovery!

A big goal of mine right now is to get off the pain medication. Until I do, I can't drive. I can't even have a glass of wine with dinner. It will be a symbolic milestone in my recovery.

I'm on a drug called hydrocodone. It also has a hefty dose of acetaminophen. The maximum dose per day is 12. The most I ever took immediately post-op was 9. For several days I was taking about 6. One immediately upon waking, then 1 every 4 hours after that, and 2 at bedtime. Yesterday, I was able to space out the daytime doses so I got down to 5 pills for the whole day. When I started feeling sore in the afternoon, I took a nap rather than a pill.

I feel better in the morning than in the late afternoon/evening. Today I'd like to try to swap a dose of Tylenol for one of the morning doses of hydrocodone. The thing is, if it doesn't work, I can't just dose up on the hydrocodone, because I'll already have the acetaminophen from the Tylenol in my system. I feel pretty confident that it will be okay. Even if its not, I can tough it out for a few hours and then take the hydrocodone.

If I could wean myself to 1 tablet at bedtime, that will also help me get off of it. Since surgery, I have liked taking 2 because it totally knocks me out and I sleep all night. But perhaps I'm sleeping well anyway just because the Lord is blessing me with sleep! (He gives His beloved sleep. Psalm 127:2)

On other recovery notes, I think I'm doing pretty good. The swelling has gone down on the left side. It's still there, but not as bad. I still have that overall sunburn feeling across my upper chest and left tricep.

Yesterday, I considered not wearing a camisole at all. I tried it, but felt really exposed and bare. I e-mailed Judy, the nurse coordinator at Kaiser to see if there was any medical reason that I needed to wear a camisole. Perhaps the wounds still need compression, however light. She left a voice mail saying that it was okay to switch from the post-op camisole to the camisoles I got at the Women's Health Boutique. Uhh. Okay. I've been wearing those for over a week. I think I was supposed to keep Kaiser's immediate post-op camisole on until the drains were out. But after my first shower, I switched to the others that were not as tight. Perhaps that would have helped that one drain work more? My bad. Too late now.

Mom has been coming over and we've been getting some exercise. Well, its the second workout of the day for mom. She walks 3 miles every morning before she comes over. We alternate a walk with going to the gym and riding the recumbent bike. It feels good to move. Yesterday, we did 5 laps around Discovery Lake. That comes to about 3.75 miles. I don't really feel it until the 4th lap, so that 5th lap felt really good. Today we'll go to the gym and sweat on the bikes. I can't help but feel like a slowly inflating balloon. The exercise helps with that.

My mother in law has been here since the day before surgery. She leaves on Sunday. We are definitely going to miss her, especially Jean-Marc. She has been his caretaker and playmate for all of his waking hours. Even when I'm healthy, I didn't play with him that much! His French has really progressed too. He's at a point in his development where he's parroting everything. Right now, he's speaking more French than English. He even pooped in the potty for her yesterday! It was his first time using the pot at all, and it was a #2! It's going to be hard on everyone next week when she is gone.

One thing that she does right now that kind of irritates me is that she looks at me with these sad pitying eyes. Don't pity me, please! Yeah, I'm in pain right now. Yeah, cancer isn't something that I planned on. But I'm strong and I'm going to beat this. God is giving me the grace to handle this. He is faithful. I can do this. No pity. If I whine, let me whine. Then I'll snap out of it.

Tomorrow morning we meet with Dr. P., the oncologist. It will be good to hear how he interprets the pathology report and what his battle plan is. I'm looking forward to it, yet also kind of nervous. I don't want to hear I have a certain percentage chance to survive. Whatever the number is-whether its 95% or 5%. I'm not a number. I'm pretty much resolved to the fact that chemo and radiation will be recommended. It will be good to get some firm details so we can kind of plan the late summer and fall around my chemo schedule.

My prayer requests:

• That my body continue to heal. I really want off of the pain killers. Pray that I am able to taper off in the next few days. That the swelling on my sides go down. That I don't develop lymphedema in my left arm.
• That the health of the rest of my family continue to be good, especially Eric and my mom. They are being so supportive right now. (Well, they are all the time. But now I really need an extra dose). If they got sick, it would really be a hardship. Prayers for my dad are appreciated too, who suffers from chronic pain in his extreme lower back and his shoulder.
• That everyone enjoy the last few days of my mother in law's visit. She and Eric have a tendency to get depressed towards the end of a visit. We are going to be celebrating Isabelle's birthday on Saturday. I hope there won't be a shadow cast over it.
• That the visit with Dr. P go well tomorrow. That God gives him wisdom in my case. That we be able to think clearly and ask the right questions.

Not always so rosy

I don't want to sound like this is a breeze, because its definitely not. People keep telling me how good I look. I don't know what to compare it to. I've always been one to put on a brave face and not really show how much things hurt/bother/upset me. Even now. Part of it is the way I deal with things internally. Maybe those close to me could say otherwise, but I don't think I've ever been one to wallow in my own misery and circumstances. When things are bad, I try to look to see what I can do to make it better and then set out on that course.

I've tried to do that with breast cancer. Most days, I think I pull myself out of the "dark side." I'm frustrated at the moment, because there really isn't anything I can "do" to get better right now. My life right now is all about pain management and that stinks.

I can't exercise too much. Mom and I went for a walk around the lake yesterday. It was about 2.25 miles. I was hoping to feel like I got a workout, but it didn't. Moving the muscles can't be bad, but I didn't get that endorphin dump like I used to. Not one drop of sweat. I started my post-op exercises yesterday in earnest. It felt good to feel a slight pull on the muscles in my upper body. But I ended up in a lot of pain yesterday. Did I overdo it with the little bit that I did? Should I take more painkillers? I took a total of 5 yesterday. The maximum dose per day is 12. This may sound silly, but in a way, taking more painkillers feels like taking a step back. But I don't want as much pain as I had yesterday.

I can't hug my kids. This really is hard. The older 2 understand and give me "neck hugs." Jean-Marc is only 2. My mother in law is here to keep him busy. I know he's having fun days. But in the evenings, he's fussy and just wants me. It's hard because that is the time of day when I am tired and in more pain too. I can sit there and watch her bathe him, change him, carry him, etc. But I can't do it myself. How I miss those pudgy hugs! Is he going to get used to not having mom take care of him? He has no idea what is going on. All he knows is that he's not getting the hugs and attention from me that he is used to.

I can't take care of my household. I'm probably like most women in that I am used to taking care of all of the details of the house. You don't really know how many of those there are until you can't do them. You do them without thinking. Right now, I can't lift anything over 5 pounds. I can't drive. That rules out most household activities. It's a mixed blessing. Who wants to do that stuff, anyway? But as things pile up, I can tell the tension pile up in the house as well. Eric and his mom are here to do stuff, but they don't do it like I would. I just have to bite my tongue and be grateful that things are approaching getting done at all. But then there are times (like now) when I think Eric resents it too. It's not my fault! Hey-if I could do it right, I would. I ask him what is wrong, and he says "nothing" but I know that's not true. Whatever. I don't have the energy to figure out what is being said between very few lines.

As I read this over, I'm a little disgusted with myself. It sounds like a one-woman pity party. But that is where I am this morning.

My prayer requests:

• That I be content with what I have and where I am.
• That my body continue to heal. Specifically, that the fluid that would have been going to the drains disperse in my body without building up. That the pain subside. I'm so tired of popping pain pills.
• That the kids have a fun day.

A pain in the back

I thought with the drains out, I'd sleep better. I'm pretty much still confined to sleeping on back, though. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a horrible night. But I woke up with an achy back. I tried sleeping flat, rather than on an incline pillow. I still had my various little pillows around to support my arms. At one point in the night, I stretched my arms up a bit in my sleep and was met with a firey-knife feeling in my left lower armpit. Ow! I also tried to gently roll to my right side. Nope. That wasn't going to work either. The site where the drain was hurt too much. It also probably has to do with the fact that over the course of the night, the painkillers wear off and by early morning, I feel pretty fragile. My mother in law this morning asked me why I don't spend more time in bed in the mornings. Pretty simple-it just hurts my back to be in bed that long.

What I would LOVE to be able to do right now is some yoga. Especially for my upper body and back. I just feel really compacted. This surgical camisole doesn't help. It comes up pretty high into the armpit area and chafes a bit. I'll check myself for swelling this morning and wear it another day.

I did start some of my post-op stretches last night. I'm actually not as stiff on my left as I thought I would be. There is one broom stretch where you put your "bad" hand on the end of a broomstick, and then bring it up over your head as far as you can. I was able to extend it up all the way. Granted, I did have pain meds in my system. I'll keep doing these exercises, though. I really do not want to lose mobility in my upper body. I'm supposed to do them once a day for 10 days, 10 repetitions each. Then I can do it twice a day. There is a video I checked out at the library on post-mastectomy exercises that looked lame a few weeks ago. I may re-check it out now and try it. One thing I didn't like was the lady on the video, a breast cancer survivor, refers to women with breast cancer as "victims." That turned me off. I'm not a victim! I'm a warrior! But I could do the video with the sound down, I suppose.

Mom and I are going to go for a longer walk this morning around Discovery lake. I'm hoping that will get the blood flowing and help this feeling of stiffness and compaction. A brisk walk with some stretching afterwards will probably help me feel much better.

Pillows and Pathology

Day 5 post-op.

Pillows are my new best friends. I have them everywhere: upstairs; downstairs; in the car. The American Cancer Society sent me two small pillows that I tuck under my arms when I'm on the couch downstairs. Kaiser gave me a heart shaped pillow to use under the shoulder strap seat belt in the car. Up in my bedroom, I've got a big incline pillow that I sleep on. Then I've got 2 throw pillows that I tuck under each arm. Then a third pillow in the middle that my hands rest on.

Unexpectedly, my surgeon called yesterday to give me the results of the pathology report. I wasn't expecting to hear anything about the report until my post-op appointment on Wednesday. She said there were "no surprises." We go in tomorrow to see her and will get a copy of it for ourselves and go into it much deeper. But the bottom lines were:

• The right breast was clear of any tumors. That is good-that means my right lymph nodes will all stay in my body. With the left gone, these will be working overtime.
• The tumor on the left breast was 3.5 centimeters. It felt huge. I was afraid it was going to be much bigger.
• She got clear margins. She mentioned something about not needing radiation for this reason. I asked her if that meant I wouldn't need radiation at all, and she deferred to the oncologist, Dr. P.
• 5 of the 15 lymph nodes from the left side were positive for cancer. I already knew there was activity in the lymph nodes since the lump I felt was a lymph node. Because of the delay in surgery, I was afraid that all of the nodes would be positive. Having only 5 is an answer to the prayers that the cancer not spread.
• I asked her what "stage" of cancer I have. She had to scramble a bit and do some cross-referencing on the phone, but she said the factors in the pathology report put it at a 2b. Another answer to prayer. I was afraid it was a 3.

Eric did some research last night and there still is over a 50% chance that there are cancer cells floating around my body somewhere. I think he was kind of hoping that chemotherapy would not be necessary. He kept making comments over the past few days about how flawed the prophylactic use of chemo is when you don't really *know* there is cancer there. I've been resigned to the reality of chemo being in my future. But this 50% statistic is helping him come around to it as well.

With this news, I am feeling pretty good. I was holding out a little bit of dread and fear about the pathology report. To see just how "bad" it was going to be. It was the last unknown, at least for now. It helps to have the enemy unmasked and out in the open.

Dr. K said that if the drains were draining 50 cc or less each per day, she would be able to take them out tomorrow. Yesterday, 2 of the 3 did less than that. The third drain (the second one on the left) did 60 cc. We'll see how they do today. Overnight, they did not drain much. It usually picks up during the daytime. The drains are very uncomfortable. They itch and ache where they are coming out of my side. I'll be a very happy camper when they come out.

So now I am focused on recovering physically from surgery. I want to get back into as good of shape as I can before chemo starts. I know I won't be jumping into my Jillian workouts. But if I can do some cardio on the recumbent bike and keep my lower body strong, I'll be happy. I'll feel strong and ready to take chemo head-on.

My prayer requests today:

• That the drains be able to come out tomorrow. That means 50 cc or less each day. If there is more that they need to do, I want them to stay in. But if it is possible for them to come out tomorrow, it will help me rest better. I'll be able to find my new 'normal.'
• That it not hurt too bad when they take out the drains. I'm a little paranoid about this. I've been warned that it feels creepy. I can deal with a few seconds of creepy. I can deal with pain too. I'd just rather not.
• That I continue to be able to rest. Sleep is physical therapy. I can feel the renewal of energy and tissue when I wake up. Sleep is a godsend right now.
• Overall harmony in the house. It is hard being cooped up during the summer. Like all kids, mine bicker and have typical sibling rivalry. That raises the level of drama for everyone in the house. Eric and his mom get all worked up about it, sometimes seeming to take one side over the other. It just escalates. Eric also gets annoyed at what he sees as the kids' obsession with video games. They don't do it as much as he thinks, really. But he always seems to be coming down hard on them for it. Everyone just needs to chill out and cut each other some slack right now.

I want to thank everyone again for your prayers and support. I've received so many wonderful messages from so many of you. It is so encouraging and uplifting knowing that you all are out there with us in spirit. When this is all over, I want to throw a huge party and invite everyone to come and celebrate in pink and plaid!

Have a blessed day. God is good, all the time!

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Day 4 post-op.

I'm so thankful for sleep. Again last night, I slept over 8 hours. I'm surprised that I am sleeping so well, considering that I am not able to move positions at all. Not only that, but I just took a 2 hour nap. Thank you, Lord!

Today I took a look at myself in the mirror. I needed to shower, so there was no getting around it. Mom came and helped get me undressed and untangled from all of my tubes and bulbs. There was a tiny bit of dried blood on the gauze that was around the left drain tube. I don't know if that is normal or not. I had a lanyard that I put around my neck and pinned the 3 drain bulbs to it. The shower felt good, but it was awkward with everything hanging from me. I was also a bit paranoid about getting the stitches too wet, so I stayed with my back facing the water most of the time. My right arm is able to move more, so I was able to wash my hair. Mom helped me dry off as I looked in the mirror.

Gulp. It's hard to describe what I saw. I look skinny, for one thing. The sutures themselves are puckery, since they used some dermabond on them. So there are two puckery, jagged diagonal cuts about 3-4 inches long on each side. When I look down, I see my stomach. It's strange not to have anything in between. When I look in the mirror, its strange because I can see my rib cage but nothing is above it. It is totally flat, and even concave on the upper chest. I touched my skin between the scars, and it was numb. I've had friends who went through this say their chest got numb as well. Eric came in as we were re-dressing me. He wasn't there for the big reveal. He said he wasn't freaked out. And honestly, he didn't sound freaked out. I think he was worried that I was freaked out. He kept saying, "This isn't who you are." Well, yes it is. At least on the outside. But as we tell the kids, it isn't what is on the outside that counts and makes you who you are. Maybe that is what that means.

Speaking of numbness, I'm numb on my left upper arm around the tricep area. I'm also numb on the tip of my tongue. That has been there since last Thursday. It feels like it does when you go to the dentist and get your mouth numbed. When you start to regain feeling, you get that prickly pins and needles feeling, you know? That is how the tip of my tongue feels.

I need to try not to slouch. It is so easy to do, especially with all of these tubes and stuff. They all are tucked away in pockets around my waist. When I button up a shirt, I look pregnant. I know I have said this before, but I will be SO HAPPY when these drains come out. It is so creepy to milk the tubes and drain them. If I don't concentrate on it, I could faint when we do that. There is less fluid in them each day, which is a good sign. The fluid is turning from a bright red to a yellowish-orange color.

How do I feel today? Mentally, I feel like I passed a big hurdle by looking in the mirror. Hopefully each time will get better. Physically, I am sore on my chest and sides. I'm still on pain meds, trying to go 3-4 hours in between each one. Yesterday I took a total of 7, whereas the first two days I took 9. The pain meds have made me a bit constipated. I've been taking some stool softener to get things moving. So far it isn't moving much, despite a high fiber diet. The sleep has been a godsend, for sure. I don't want to over do it, but I would like to venture out in the neighborhood for a walk. Maybe I'll go get the mail.

My prayer requests today:

• Healing, healing, healing. That is my big need right now.
• That the lower end of my digestive system get moving. :-)
• Patience for Eric. He has high standards for the kids. They are feeling like all he does is yell at them for playing video games or whatever. Just being kids. He doesn't even realize it most of the time. Everyone is under stress and he expects the kids to pick up some of the slack. But they are still kids and need to be given the room to be kids.

Recovery can be draining!

I'm now 3 days post-op. I still haven't completely looked at what I look like. I'm on some pretty heavy pain medication, although I am taking a little less today than I did the first two days. The pain meds make me dizzy. It also makes it very difficult for me to communicate with Eric's mom. It's hard enough to concentrate and communicate in French when I'm sober. But to do it on heavy pain meds is impossible. She wants confirmation from me about what she is doing with the kids, what she is feeding them, etc. It is impossible for me to do. I understand her not wanting to overstep any boundaries. But right now, I just need her to take the initiative and do it. I do feel better today in that department since I'm taking a little less. But I am a tad bit more uncomfortable. I'm not sure if its a good trade off! Go crazy, or feel a little more pain?

The pain is there, but the meds are doing their job. When I do feel pain, it is a dull ache in my chest. It is kind of like the feeling when you get punched in your gut, just in the chest. It also aches on my sides where the drains are inserted.

Ah, the drains. They are by far the most uncomfortable thing about this right now. Three times a day, we have to measure their output, log it, dump them and get them ready for more work. It grosses me out, but luckily Eric and mom deal with it better. The drains also force me to sleep on my back. Thankfully, I've been able to sleep for the past 2 nights without moving. Today I've been itching around the drain sites and under the camisole. I think I may need to take it all off tomorrow and shower.

But that is a scary prospect. To actually take a look at what is left underneath all of this.

I've seen it in bits and pieces yesterday. I was lying down trying to rest and felt some moisture on my left side. I started freaking out that maybe the drain was leaking around its insertion site. I jumped up, unbuttoned my shirt and saw a little bit of staining on the white camisole. Oh no. I called Eric up and showed him. We had to know if that was what was happening. If it was leaking, I needed to get some medical attention. Eric thought it would be a good idea to change the dressings while we were at it.

But that would mean taking off the camisole and looking. I couldn't help but cry. I just was not ready for that yet. He called my mom up to help us. We decided to do it in increments, not all at once. So I took off the camisole, but held the gauze pads on my chest on. There was some rolled up gauze that fell to the floor from my left side. No wonder it felt like I was wearing a life vest. They looked at each drain, cleaned around the insertion site with a hydrogen peroxide pad. There wasn't any leaking there, no redness or swelling. They both said it looked very good. Well, as good as a rubber tube coming out of your body can look. Eric taped some gauze pads around the insertion sites and then we considered the chest scars.

Since we were there, it made sense to check those stitches too. One by one, we pulled the gauze away and looked. I just looked down, not in the mirror. So I didn't get the full effect. What I did see was a row of stitches, closer to the top than I had imagined. It didn't look that bad, but it was flat. I couldn't look too long. We put the gauze back and I put on one of the new camisoles that I had picked up at the Women's Health Store. It is thinner than the post-surgical one.

Hopefully seeing myself in these instances will help it when I actually see it all at once. Today while we were working on the drains, I put my hand up to my upper chest just under my collarbone and it was indeed concave. Pam, the volunteer from the American Cancer Society said I very likely would be concave. Yikes.

I take hope in knowing that each day will get better. It will be much better when these drains are out. I have a post-op appointment with my surgeon on Wednesday. There is the chance that they could come out then.

All in all, I'm doing okay. I'm mobile, just not moving very quickly or very far.

My prayer requests:

• That my body heal quickly. That these drains do their job efficiently so they can be taken out soon. That scar tissue does not develop around the tubing that would make their removal painful.
• That Jean-Marc be content without the normal level of cuddles from mom. My mother in law is doing a good job of taking care of him and entertaining him. But at the end of the day, he wants mommy to bathe him and get him ready for bed. It was very sad last night when all I could do was rub his arm and kiss his cheek. He looked confused, then his little mouth turned upside down as he began to cry. It was heartbreaking. I hope he does not feel abandoned by me.
• That Olivier and Isabelle would not fight. The typical sibling competition and rivalry over screen time is exhausting. I want them to have fun with their games, but I'm pretty close to pulling the plug tonight.
• That Eric's health stay good. When he gets stressed, he gets sick. He has developed a toothache over the past 2 days, and I'm certain it is stress related.

Someone who has been there

I got a call today from a volunteer from the American Cancer Society (ACS). They have a program that matches cancer patients up with survivors with similar situations for advice, counsel, and overall mentoring. I told ACS this morning that I would be interested in talking to someone, and I got a call the same day. Pretty efficient. (As a side note, the American Cancer Society has been amazing. A very worthy charity, they do a lot for cancer patients)

"Pam" was diagnosed at the age of 44. By all measures her cancer was "worse" than mine. She was a "triple negative." The bottom line of that is that it was a more aggressive cancer and not receptive to hormone treatment. Her grade and stage was 3. She had a bilateral mastectomy, which is what I'm mentally gearing up for on Thursday. It was nice to talk to someone else who had been there. I do have a good friend who went through this about a year and a half ago that has been very open with me. But I'm always on the lookout for more information and experiences.

Some useful advice Pam gave me:

• When I wake up, my chest will be flat or even concave. She advised me to wait a day or so to look at it in the mirror. Maybe put my hands up there to "feel" the flatness first. When I do venture a peek, have someone there with me.
• The fluid in the drains will start out red. There may even be "floaties" in it, tissue or other stuff like that. Don't freak out on it. Just measure it and dump.
• The drains will make it difficult to be comfortable. They are probably the worst part. In the hospital, prop my arms up on the sides with pillows. Speaking of pillows, ACS is going to be sending me 3 special pillows to help in my recovery.
• When the drains are removed, it may hurt. The tubes are going to be about 1-2 inches inside my body for several days, if not a week or two. There is the possibility that scar tissue may form around the tubes. When they yank it out, it could hurt. Judy, the nurse at Kaiser, suggested I take a pain pill before the appointment. I will definitely do that.
• Many people have never had cancer or been touched by cancer. So they will say "let me know if there is anything I can do." This is their way of trying to help. I need to let them. Rather than say everything is okay like you have been doing all your life, now is a time for you to come up with things that you need done. Even if its a ride for the kids, or having someone bring you a food you are craving. Get over being self-sufficient.

At one point in the conversation, she mentioned that she didn't know how "attached" I was to my breasts, but they are killing me. I shared with her that I am very aware of that, and wish they were gone already. That I don't even want to touch them. I have very similar feelings towards my cesarean scar, although those have faded with time. But I am repulsed by my breasts, especially the left one, to be sure. Yet, at the same time, I have flashes where the thought of surgery puts a panic in the pit of my stomach. It reminds me of feelings that I have had when pregnant. I'd be going along just fine, and then think about the looming challenge of childbirth and have a momentary freak-out to myself saying, "Oh my God....can I do this?" It is kind of like that, but worse. Because at least at the end of childbirth, you have a baby. At the end of this, I'll be scarred and mutilated with painful recovery and chemo to look forward to.

Pam has survived a stage 3 cancer that was more aggressive than mine. She has gone on to finish her education and live life. She said that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's just that the tunnel takes turns at points where you can't see the light. In those places, you just have to get past it. She is sending me a bunch of stuff, pillows, bra stuffers, etc. from ACS. Nice! More freebies! She is going to call again on Wednesday night to see how I'm doing and answer any last minute questions I may have.

On another positive note, Eric gave me the go-ahead to get some help around the house. I've had two wonderful women here cleaning my house all day. It has been 7 hours so far! They are dusting blinds, doing windows, cleaning appliances...it is fantastic. They are going to be coming every other week for the foreseeable future. He doesn't want me exposed to bacteria and stuff once my immune system is down during chemo. That works for me, I've got to say. :-)

My prayer requests today:

• That I be able to sleep. I've actually slept 6-7 hours each night for the past few nights. But I know that is a gift from God and I'd like it to continue. Especially the night before surgery. I have to report to Kaiser at 9:00 a.m. on Thursday.
• That the cancer not grow anymore.
• That my family not be fearful. Eric had an episode today where he started crying in front of the kids saying that the thought of me not getting through this, "scared the hell out of him." We all have our weak moments. Everyone needs extra strength this week as we gear up for what is to come.