Life goes on, right?

I have my six month oncologist check up next week. Friday the 13th.  Good thing I'm not superstitious, isn't it?  I can't help but feel a bit anxious about it. Jennifer Griffin, the Fox News correspondent/breast cancer survivor, likened it to having a meeting with your parole officer.  You live in the world, doing the things that you are expected and supposed to do. You get your kids to school, dinner on the table, and errands run. On the outside, you look normal.  Most of the time, you feel normal. Some days several hours go by without thinking about what is now a part of my life: cancer. But you have this appointment that takes you back to the reality that for the rest of my life, I need to be on guard for the disease to rear its ugly head again.  Just like going to a parole officer would remind an ex-con that he was in a bad place and isn't really yet free.

Isabelle and I at the Carlsbad 5000 last weekend.

I have no suspicious symptoms.  I feel strong. I'm running 25-30 miles a week. I'm planning activities and things assuming I have a long life to live. I'm signing up for races-I signed up for the Carlsbad Half Marathon in January 2013. I'm working on my fluency in French.  But just the fact that I have to go back to see Dr. P triggers a little bit of anxiety. After all, when I was diagnosed, I felt great too.  

What if? What if? What if?

I can really psych myself out.  Dr. P said if I have pain that doesn't go away, that's a concern. The mind is such a powerful organ. If I think about it, I can actually feel sensations that I don't think are there.  I'm pretty sure its not real because if I think about it and take a few deep breaths, it goes away. I'm getting better about the paranoia. The bible study from Hebrews really helped me in this respect.  One of the "take home" principles I learned was that regardless of what my circumstances may be, God has promised me many wonderful things in His Word. Eternal things. Things that will last, unlike this life. (Cancer or not.)  When I start to feel anxious, I simply remember one of the many promises from the Bible.  It could be "No eye has seen nor ear has heard  nor have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9)  I'm so grateful to have the Word of God!

There are a couple things I want to ask Dr. P while there. I've been taking Tamoxifen for 15 months now. He originally had said I should take it for 2 years, and then they would "see" if I am officially post-menopausal.  Then they would switch me to a different medication, Arimidex, I think.  I asked him why, and he said the outcomes were better. I'm wondering if we can just "see" now if I'm ready for it.  I also want another Vitamin D test to see what my levels are now. I've been supplementing 6,000 IU every day, and experimenting with a liquid form. Has it made a difference? 

I'm expecting a routine appointment with him asking me how I feel, if I'm going to get reconstructed.  The things he asks every time. I have no reason to think otherwise. But still...I'm not really free.

Hair update

It has been over 3 months since my last round of chemotherapy.

My hair is growing back. It still is too short to wear on its own. But it definitely is there.  It looks like a dark/grey fuzzy cap on my head. I can't tell if it is going to curl or not. Many cancer survivors experience their hair coming back with a different texture than it was before.  A "chemo curl" is what they call it. My hair before was straight and fine. When I was younger, it was pretty thick.  Starting after I gave birth to Isabelle, my hair started to thin out. At that time, it was breaking. After Jean-Marc, it started coming out from the root.  The amount of hair loss was freaky. I should have known something was up. I chalked it up to post-pregnancy hormones. As it turned out, it WAS hormones, and not good ones. Estrogen is not my friend. It makes my cancer grow.

Jennifer Griffin

Anyway, I do look forward to the time when I can just wear it as it is and not feel weird about it. Just spike it all up like Jennifer Griffen or Carly Fiorina during the California senatorial primary season. Actually, this photo of Jennifer isn't too far off of what mine looks like right now. It is a bit longer than mine.   I find myself constantly rubbing my head, a lot like I did during the falling out process. Its not something I think about, I just find myself doing it a lot.

There is definitely a lot of gray in there. I'm not sure if I'm going to do anything about that down the line. Before cancer, I colored my hair.  Now that I'm trying to detoxify my environment, I don't know how to cover the gray that doesn't expose me to chemicals and junk I'm trying to avoid.  We'll see how it looks longer. My midwife had gray hair and it did not make her look old at all. Maybe it will be similar for me?

I'm not wearing head scarves as much anymore. I'm finding hats are a good middle ground. I have a shadow of hair along my temple and in the back. When I was bald, it was strange to wear a hat because there was no hairline.  I still wear my wig a few times a week. I surprised a few fourth graders last week when I chaperoned their field trip with a full head of hair!  Their initial reactions reminded me of my five year old nephew's observation a couple weeks before.  I had worn a headscarf on Saturday and my wig on Sunday. On Sunday, he asked me incredulously, "How did your hair grow so fast?"

As for hair in other places, it is also coming back. I didn't actually lose all of my body hair. It thinned out on my arms and my eyebrows, but I didn't completely lose it.  It makes me wonder if I hadn't taken an electric razor to my head, if I would have completely lost it.  I had enough left on my eyebrows to give me some guidance on filling them in with brow liner.  I had purchased some templates before chemo, and never ended up using them.  I still fill them in, but need to give them a good wax underneath.  My eyelashes actually got thinner after chemo ended. I tried putting on some mascara and it is just ridiculous. Especially on the bottom-there are just a few millimeters of lash there. As for my legs, now THAT was a silver lining to the whole cancer thing. To have smooth legs for several months and not having to shave was great! I'm fortunate in that the hair on my legs is blond and fine, so even hairy, they don't look that bad. But that is coming back now too. I even got out the old razor and gave them a swipe a week or so ago.

You know, it wasn't so bad shaving my legs after all this time!

Lighbulb moment

It wasn't actually "a" moment, but rather one that has been slowly burning brighter and brighter. I'm going to climb onto my soap box for this one.

It all started about a year ago when I wanted to lose weight. I read Jillian Michael's book, "Master Your Metabolism" cover to cover. In it, she talks about how the processed, non-organic food we eat, as well as environmental toxins in our homes has disrupted our endocrine system and messed up our metabolisms. I started following Jillian's recipes and along with her killer workouts, lost most of the weight I wanted to. (Technically, I could lose another 10-15, but I'll put that on the back burner for now).

I've learned a lot in the past year about clean eating. Organic produce. Avoiding processed foods. If it is processed, I try to get it organic and with as few ingredients as possible. (Think cereal here). Whole grains, limiting sugar, etc. But it all was to lose weight. I knew to keep it off, it wasn't going to be a "diet" but a new way of eating for me.

I'm starting to see how it is SO MUCH BIGGER than simple weight control. In fact, keeping weight down is simply a by-product. Here's the thing. GOD KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING! When He created the plants (fruits & veggies) for us to eat as food, He gave us much of what we need to be healthy and prevent, and maybe even treat, disease.

Check out this video. It's 20 minutes long, but worth it:

Okay. So I'm not a doctor, and won't pretend to understand all of the niceties of the medical research. But food is medicine. Foods have chemicals in them that effect the body-natural chemotherapy that I can do at each meal. For instance, I've learned through Jennifer Griffin's blog that "cancer hates cabbage." I've ordered a book called "The Cancer Fighting Kitchen" by Rebecca Katz and can't wait to learn more.

This is going to be a lifestyle change for my family. They don't know it yet. They saw a glimpse of it over the past year with my Jillian menus. I prepared good organic meals. But I tolerated the refined grains and sugars. Now how much bigger it is. I want to feed my kids food that will not only fill their bellies, but help prevent cancers in their bodies. Not being hungry is almost a side effect. Its not going to be easy, especially for the older two. They are hooked on their white bread and pasta. I can only imagine how they will receive a heaping platter of kale! But as Grandma Osgood used to say, "If you're hungry, you'll eat it." Wish me luck!

I'm very convinced that the rise in disease in this country has a lot to do with our food supply. The hormone laced meats, the chemicals sprayed on the produce. The chemicals put into processed foods. The refined grains and sugars. Our fast food mentality. I knew it was bad from a diet/weight control point of view. But its bigger than that. Little girls are starting their periods in elementary school. Why is that? That exposes them to more estrogen and increases their chances of breast cancer. If they are obese (which many kids are), then their risk increases even more. I'm also starting to learn about the toxins that are in our shampoos, soaps and cosmetics. Oy! That is a whole other subject to wrap one's head around.

True confession time now. There is another aspect to this that I need to change, and that is wine. Being married to a French person, wine is a natural part of a meal. But wine and breast cancer don't mix well. Alcohol increases estrogen in the body, which feeds the cancer. There may be some health benefits to a little red wine on occasion. But not a glass with every meal. It's a bummer, because it can taste good. In our house, its almost a ritual. However, it is a ritual that I need to eliminate for my own health. Make no provision for the flesh, Tonya! (Romans 13:14)

I spent nearly 40 years not really paying attention to what went into my body. I allowed myself to spend my adult life overweight. (Fat cells also release estrogen into the system). I enjoyed alcohol. Did I contribute to my cancer unknowingly? I'm not going to dwell on that question. But I am going to change it for my kids, as well as to treat my own cancer with this weapon that was right in front of me the whole time. Duh!

As this lighbulb grows brighter, I'm seeing how this all comes together. I don't know everything there is to know, but I am learning. I'm hungry to learn all I can about this subject. I marvel at how simple it can be, though. I also marvel at how God gave us what we need to be healthy. Good, wholesome food. I'm not saying that is all there is to it. There is disease and definitely a place for doctors and medicine. God gave us those too.

If you are interested in learning more about the food supply in this country, I'd highly recommend the movie, "Food, Inc." If you have Netflix, it is one of the instant watch movies available.

My prayer requests:

• That my kids accept the changes that are coming their way on the dinner table. That they be open to try new things.
• That I be able to give up wine. I've done it before when I was pregnant. I know I can do it, and its not really that big of a deal. It's just a habit for me that I need to break.
• That I continue to feel good as my body processes the first round of chemo. That the chemo drugs do their job and kill any marauding cancer cells that escaped through my lymphatic system.

Hair play

Oh the things one does while they are waiting for their hair to fall out. I've been getting creative.

When I went to the "Look Good, Feel Better" session, there was a lady who made custom hair pieces. I've also noticed in the American Cancer Society's catalog, "TLC" that they sell things called "halos" which are little pieces of hair that attach to the sides or bang of a hat or scarf to make it look like the hat or scarf is covering hair. They also are called "hairline accents." This is what they look like.

If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you'll remember I got a free wig from the ACS. I wasn't to thrilled with the style, but the color was not too bad. Lighter than I've been for awhile, but passable. Well, I decided to sacrifice it to try and make some of my own "hairline accents." I've cut several pieces from it to make detachable bangs, as well as hair that can stick out from under the sides and back of hats and scarves. The idea is to sew velcro to the hat or scarf (the soft side) and then velcro to the hair piece. Then if I want or need to have the look of hair peeking out, I can just stick it on. I've sewn the velcro to the hair, but only to one hat. I'm thinking of maybe trying sticky velcro rather than sew on velcro so I don't have to put seams in the hats. We'll see. It's a work in progress.

We are kidless this weekend. All three of them are down at their cousin's house for a "cousin weekend." How amazing is that? We really are blessed by my sister in law and mom for doing this. She's even bringing Isabelle up to San Marcos for her riding lesson in the middle of it. The older two were really excited to spend their last weekend of summer vacation this way. Jean-Marc has no clue, but my mom is going down too so he'll do okay with her. He has gotten very used to having "gamma" around every day. It's a far cry from when he was smaller and he would cry at the sight of her. (And most everybody else!)

Eric and I are taking advantage of our status this weekend to go out. Last night we went for a walk on the beach at Cardiff and had dinner at the Charthouse. I even wore the "fluffies" in my camisole. It felt wierd and lumpy. But having something "on top" helps to define my waistline a bit more. Otherwise, I just look thick. Tonight I think we are going to go see "Eat, Drink, Pray, Love" and have dinner at Canapes in San Marcos. My sister in law and mom will bring the kids up for church on Sunday and I'll get them back then.

It has been 8 days since chemo. I realized late yesterday that I need to just get on my knees and thank God for allowing me to come through this round as well as I have. It was almost like I wanted to get sick for some reason. Then it would feel real. Like I really do have breast cancer. (Maybe I don't anymore. The surgery may have gotten every single bit. But I digress...) I was browsing other blogs yesterday and read a blog of someone whose first round really knocked her for a loop. She was out of it most of the week, and her counts were so low she was in the hospital in a near quarantine status. What the heck am I complaining about?

It helps to read other blogs. In Jennifer Griffin's blog that I mentioned last time, she exercised every day while on chemo. Our cases are a bit different, though. She did chemo before her surgery. The chemo pretty much did away with her huge tumors. I'm almost jealous reading it. On the other hand, it is encouraging to see other women survive Stage 3. I also can be thankful that my cancer is not triple negative. At least there are more treatment options.

I realized today that one way I can combat this waiting agony is to think of ways I can fight this cancer each and every day. I can do that by eating well and exercising. I'm learning more and more about cancer fighting foods. Food is medicine! It can do you a world of good, and it can also make you sick if you eat junk. I'm trying to do to exercise every day, but I am a bit hamstrung (no pun intended) by my surgical recovery. It has been 5 weeks and I don't want to overdo it by bouncing too much. I try to mix it up so I don't get bored. I'm a little wary of the gym and the germs there, but I did make it there twice this week. I also can do some exercise videos at home, or power walks. Anything to keep my metabolism going, get those endorphins flowing, and blood circulating so the chemo drugs can get to every cell in my body. BAM!

The sunburn feeling on my chest is pretty much gone. Now it feels kind of tight on the incisions. You know the feeling when a cut is healing? It's the same thing. I've been massaging Vitamin E oil onto the scars twice a day. The scabs are starting to flake off too. It's kind of gross, but it makes it look not quite so jagged and Frankenstein-like.

So that's where I am. Enjoying a relaxed weekend. Missing the kids a little bit. Looking forward to their starting school next week when we can get into a routine with new challenges and excitement.

What day is this?

I'm losing track of days as the summer vacation wanes. I am so ready for the kids to go back to school. With this heat, and my sensitivity to the sun (thanks to chemo), it has been a pretty boring week for us. The kids are cooped up and by the end of the day, I'm about ready to flip out and have a Calgon moment. Gee-I wonder if I'm okay to soak in a tub now that I am 5 weeks post-op?

It was so hum-drum yesterday that I didn't even have anything to say for my blog.

Although I did kind of mess up my meds. My bad. I started my 7 day Cipro regimen on Tuesday with a pill at noon. That was EXACTLY 96 hours post chemo. On Wednesday I happened to check the pill bottle and it said to take one pill two times a day. Oops. I only took one pill on my first day. So I figure I'll just extend it by a 1/2 day on the back side. They only filled the prescription for 1 week at a time. So I'll have to get it refilled for the next round. If I time it right, I can do my lab work, my oncologist visit, and pick up the refill all in one fell swoop the day before round two.

Speaking of round two. I find myself in another waiting game. I'm 6 days out of round one and feeling pretty good. I wish I could just go in and get it going. I still have 2 weeks to wait. That seems to be the theme of this treatment so far. Wait for biopsy results. Wait for PET scan results. Wait for doctors appointments. Wait for surgery (that was a killer). Wait for chemo. Wait more for chemo. Wait, wait, wait. Maybe God is trying to teach me something. Ya think?

I suppose I will appreciate this breather in between rounds later on.

I was a little concerned yesterday that I may have overdone it lifting Jean-Marc on Tuesday. We were running some errands and I just did not have the patience in the heat to let him get in and out of his car seat on his own. He's two years old. So he kind of lollygags around as he gets in, distracted by every little crumb on his seat. I'll confess, there are a lot of crumbs there! A few times, I just lifted him in and out, up and down to move the process along. In our family, we call it the "Graham Ram." Anyway, Tuesday night as I was getting ready for bed, I had some shooting pain in my incision areas, especially on the left underarm side. Through the night, it just felt tender and hurt. I'm still swollen under the arms, so I don't know if the swelling had gotten worse. But the pain came and went all day yesterday. I was careful not to lift the little man at all. Mom came over and was a second pair of eyes for me. It is so easy to forget and lift him sometimes. Its just second nature. So far today, it seems to be better. It's a tricky time right now. I'm physically feeling better, and it is so easy to over do it. It helps to have mom be a police officer over me.

I found another cancer survivor's blog that I've been reading. Jennifer Griffin is a correspondent with Fox News who returned to work yesterday after taking several months off to fight triple negative breast cancer. She was diagnosed shortly after her son was born in 2009. Her original tumor was 9 centimeters! She had 17 rounds of chemo, a bilateral mastectomy, and radiation. Her blog is pretty interesting. She had the guts to put a video of her hairdresser shaving her head on it. I don't think I could do that. I'll be lucky to post a bald picture.

Eric comes home tonight from his business trip. It will be nice to have him home. He used to travel a lot more with other jobs. I'm fortunate that there isn't that much travel right now. I've been able to deal with stuff on my own before. Even a couple weeks post-cesarean I was able to deal with better. This time, it has taken a lot of concentration to get stuff done. Maybe its my older age. The old nerves are a bit more raw!

My prayer requests today:

• That we don't go stir crazy today. The kids have a piano lesson, which will add some spice to the day. We also are going to meet a potential school car pool neighbor.
• That I continue to heal from surgery. That I didn't hurt myself the other day lifting the baby.
• Travel mercies for Eric as he flies home from Boston and then drives back to San Marcos from the airport.
• That I be content in waiting for the next round of chemo, confident that God is working in my body and my spirit towards His purposes.