Mind games

It is April. 

To many, April means springtime, flowers, sunshine. Summer is right around the corner!  For me, it is these things too, but I have an added event...my six month checkup with my oncologist, Dr. P. 

I am going on 3 years since my diagnosis in June 2010.  It was in April 2010 that I had my first mammograms that were declared "all clear." Ironic now that it just happens to be the same month of my biannual checkup. 

In the past, Kaiser had called me in advance to schedule this appointment. This past Monday, we were a week into the month and I still had not heard, so I called. They were able to get me in today. Goody. 

I realized this morning what a head trip this gives me, even if I don't recognize it at first. My workouts since making the appointment have been tough. I was supposed to run 12 miles on Wednesday. I knew that I wasn't going to get that far, since I had taken a week off to nurse a shin injury a week or two before. I had done 10 miles on the dreadmill  treadmill the week before. But it had been awhile since I had attempted 10 outside. So I was aiming for 10-11 miles.  The first hour was fine, but it was a hilly route and I lost energy around mile 6.5. I ended up jog/walking the last few miles. Grr. I have a hilly half marathon coming up at the end of the month-I NEED to be able to do this. Anyway, yesterday was a bootcamp class at the gym. The regular teacher was on vacation and there was a sub. It was a tough workout. I stuck it out, but man. I just did not have that feeling of inner strength that I usually do. Today was supposed to be an easy 4 mile run. Because I cut my mileage short earlier in the week, I did 5. The first 3 miles were great, but the last 2 were hard. I kept my overall pace under 10:00, but still. It should not have been that hard.

As I was taking Jean-Marc to preschool, the teachers all asked me the typical greeting question, "How are you doing?" I had to admit I felt kind of tired, and blah.  The problem is, when I feel kind of tired and blah, that little voice in my head pipes up and taunts me with...."Psst....this isn't normal for you. Maybe its cancer!" 

Why can't I just have an off day?

Then it hit me. I've been feeling this way since I made that oncology appointment on Monday. On paper, I should be feeling fantastic. I had a great 5k race last Sunday and ran my fastest time ever-I even scored a top 250 medal! I'm excited about my upcoming race plans-I'm getting into triathalon and am motivated. I've been doing great on my nutrition this week, I even weighed 3 pounds less today than I did a week ago! I've been getting 7+ hours of sleep each night. Spiritually, I've been spending more time in prayer and devotion and reaping the benefits of drawing near to my Abba.  Yet despite all of these positives, I've got this oppressive "thing" hanging over my head.

Now that I recognize it for what it is...spiritual attack, I will address it head on. Yes, I'm going to see Dr. P today. Big deal. We'll talk about how to get my body to stop producing estrogen, and he'll do his exam. I'll let him know I'm getting into triathalons, too. (He told me awhile back that he does them.) It will all be fine.  Not exactly like visiting an old friend, but not a meeting with the grim reaper, either. 

I'll look at a silver lining of it too. At least I was able to get my appointment within a few days. Imagine if I had this appointment hanging over my head for several weeks! Getting it in a few days is a blessing!   

I'll get this appointment behind me for another six months, and tomorrow I will KILL my planned run of sub 9:00 speed intervals around Discovery Lake! 

If anyone out there wants to pray for me, you still can. I need all of the help I can get to deflect these attacks. 

Status update...all clear

I had my 6 month oncology checkup today.  Every April and October I'm supposed to go and visit Dr. P. Last April, they called me to set it up. This time, I didn't get the scheduling call. I put it off and finally last week called to make the appointment. I'm not a big procrastinator. It just stresses me out.

It's really strange to go back there to the internal medicine department at Kaiser. It wouldn't be accurate to say that it "reminds" me that I had cancer, because every day the thoughts of "what if it comes back" invade my thoughts. It's worst in the middle of the night when I have moments of sleep that are "less deep" (for lack of a better term) than others.  During those times, I have to call on the name of Jesus in order to fight off the fear.  Talk about a spiritual battle! The strange thing is, that I'm really still asleep while I'm doing this. Weird.

I managed to get my 6 mile training walk in before my appointment. I parked my car in the Kaiser parking lot and walked from there.  Training for the 3 Day certainly poses some challenges for life. It takes a long time to walk, especially after I got used to running earlier in the year. Our mileage plan for this week is 44...including an 18 mile day and a 15 mile day. So squeezing in doctor's appointments around the kids' schedule and my training schedule can be tough.

Dr. P never changes. Knowing that he does triathalons, when he asked me "What's new?" I told him that I bought a road bike. (This is old news to my Facebook friends.) We had a discussion about my speedplay pedals and he assured me that EVERYONE falls from time to time.  I told him about the walk training. He asked me if I wore enough sunscreen. Probably not, I told him. It didn't help that I was a bit flushed from just having walked 6.6 miles!  I like to tell him about my race goals and let him know how much I am able to do. Like it will put another notch in the "healthy" side of my file.

Looking at my medical record, he saw that I'm coming up on my 2 years on Tamoxifen in December. Now the decision is....do we switch to another hormone therapy that is for post-menopausal women? My estrogen levels were "low" last April. He suggested that I get them checked again in December and then we would probably switch to Anastrozole. I assured him that I haven't had a period since September 2010. Silver lining? Maybe. Maybe not, though, because I've been having hot flashes ever since!  This new drug has a potential side effect of muscle soreness and osteoporosis. We'll see how it goes.  I'm going to go for it as soon as I can because Dr. P has told me in the past that it has better outcomes than Tamoxifen alone.

After that, he examined me. Listened to my lungs, heart, etc. Felt around to see if there were any lumps or bumps that shouldn't be there. For the first time, he did not ask me about reconstruction.

And then it was over.

For another 6 months.

Attack!

When it rains, it pours.

I've been having one heck of a time lately.  Things just keep piling on.  In the midst of it all, I have been having renewed fears of recurrence.

Where to start?  First off, an uncle that has been a part of our family all of my life died suddenly last week. It came as quite a shock, even though I had not seen him in many years. With Facebook, our family feels very connected, even if we don't see each other that often.  Of course, I wanted to go up to Oregon for the celebration of life and to spend time with the family.  Making arrangements is kind of stressful, especially when you are trying to coordinate with others.  That alone would be enough, right?

Jean-Marc has been having this cold that never ends. I'm usually very low-key about minor illnesses.  Last Saturday, his eyes started oozing and were red. I immediately thought...pink eye!  I started using some homeopathic drops that I have, as much as he would let me. He hates the drops and squeezes his eyes shut tight. But a little gets in, and it seemed to help. Nevertheless, I kept him out of Sunday school on Sunday and preschool this week. Right there, that upsets my "routine." I know it sounds petty, but I am a creature of habit. I have my workouts and things I like  need to do while he is at school. Like get out of the house and RUN.  Running is my way of feeling like I am beating cancer. The runs I did take were later in the afternoon and I just felt sluggish. I did the miles, but it was tough.

Today, Jean-Marc started complaining of a sore throat. Considering that I'm going out of town in two days and Eric is already grumbling about having to pull my weight as much as his, I thought I'd take him in to see if it was strep throat.  We spent the morning at Kaiser. Luckily, it wasn't strep. However, it was diagnosed as an "acute sinus infection."  Maybe I shouldn't have, but I opted for an antibiotic. With me going out of town for a few days, hopefully it will knock out whatever he is dealing with so he can be in shape for the weekend with dad.

Now for confession time. Our family has been battling head lice for the past few weeks. It's not a complete secret-the school knows about it. The whole 5th grade got checked the day I reported it and the news spread like wildfire. Poor Isabelle. But she coped with it pretty well. It is hard to see your kids be ostracized for something like that.  It isn't as disgusting as I thought it would be, but it is persistent, frustrating, and time consuming. It started with Isabelle. She had been complaining of an itchy head for awhile, so I took her to the doctor. She has always had dandruff, so when the doctor said it was that, I didn't second guess her. When the itch didn't stop, I e-mailed and asked for a referral to a dermatologist.  Another doctor responded with a prescription to a medicated shampoo called "Derma smoothe," saying that a dermatologist would prescribe that anyway. Fine. We did it.  The itch went away for awhile and we thought all was well. When the itch came back, we did another treatment. The next morning, Isabelle showed me the shower cap that she had slept in and there were dead bugs in it! Still in denial, I googled, "bugs in hair that are not lice."  Bottom line, there ain't such a thing.

Off we were to the pharmacy for the over the counter treatment. We did everyone in the house. The shampoo is the easy part. Then you have to stand there and comb out the nits. The first night, I spent nearly 4 hours on Isabelle. We checked daily for a week and then re-treated her 8 days later. It all seemed to be fine. We went ahead and treated everyone in the home. Jean-Marc had a few, as did I. I thought we had put it behind us, but then about 5 days ago, I notice nits in Isabelle's hair. This time, they are smaller and are slipping through the comb. We are spending hours a day at this, seemingly to no avail. I realized today that this has really taken a toll on Isabelle and I particularly. I found a service called "Hair Angels." They will come to your house and guarantee to get rid of it for you. Granted, its not cheap. But we've already invested nearly $100 in over the counter poison that we are putting on our heads. Eric hasn't consented yet. Hmm.  Let him spend a few hours this weekend with Isabelle's hair and maybe he'll change his tune.

For the past few nights in the middle of the night, I've been having moments of panic, even while semi-asleep. Fears of recurrence.  The first night, I tried a trick that has worked for me in the past. I just imagine Jesus. Or I'll repeat in my mind, "Jesus...Jesus...Jesus."  It didn't work. I just kept imagining the stitch in my side being an internal organ riddled with cancer.  (I did a pretty intense Jillian DVD on Monday that has made me sore all week.)  But this middle of the night battle has made me a bit on edge.  The strange thing, is that this all goes on while I am asleep. But I'm aware of the dialogue in my head. It truly is a spiritual battle and I am under attack by the enemy. He wants to destroy anything good and rob me of my joy. Last night,  I started mentally singing a song from church, "Jesus Messiah, name above all names, Blessed Redeemer, Emmanuel. The rescue for sinners, the ransom from heaven, Jesus Messiah, Lord of All..."  I remember having to do this two or three times throughout the night. But it worked.

Today I realized all of this happening together is definitely a spiritual attack. Just being able to identify it as such has helped me cope, although I'm still frustrated with the hair situation. So please pray for me as I continue to battle on. He who is within me is greater than he who is trying to come against me!

Getting strong again

I took a few days off of serious exercise since the last chemo round, but today I'm back in the game.  It was tough, but I did what has become my Wednesday routine-Jillian Michael's "No More Trouble Zones" circuit training workout.  I walked yesterday with my friends and did a 30 minute light cardio workout on Monday, neither of which are that challenging.  Today was different

I like this DVD because it incorporates some weights. Jillian's circuit training style was what helped me lose 50 pounds over the past year, so its a proven workout for me.  I also think its good for me as I process the latest batch of poison because while it does get your heart rate up there, it isn't as intense of a cardio blast as other workouts are.  I'll save a cardio blast for tomorrow.

It wasn't easy though, and I had to modify the pushups to the "girl" version on my knees.  There were times when I felt a little dizzy, and I attribute that to the Cipro that I started taking yesterday.

It is important to me to feel strong.  I realized this morning during the workout when I felt like I was going to poop out, I would just imagine the word 'CANCER' in my mind and my energy was renewed.  Before cancer, I would imagine Jillian yelling at me like she does her contestants on "The Biggest Loser."  Now cancer's voice is much stronger than hers. As I do the harder workouts and really push myself, I can feel myself actually beating this demon disease inside of me.  It is certainly a motivator.

My little lion

Today has been a good day.  San Diego's weather returned today. It is a bright and sunny day, even a little too warm.  It was wonderful. I took Jean-Marc to his weekly "Moove & Groove" class which he absolutely loves.  (Hi Miss Amy!)  The kids came in their Halloween costumes. I'm not a big Halloween fan, but toddlers in costumes sure are cute!  I put Jean-Marc in Olivier's first costume that he wore when he was about 15 months old--a lion. I didn't think he would go for it, but he really enjoyed the costume and kept it on the whole time.  I went "in disguise" too...I wore my wig and my foobies! Undercover cancer patient, that's me!  Although my compression sleeve may have raised some suspicions...

I can't help but laugh sometimes at situations. One of the other moms in the class, who is quite pregnant and kept busy by her almost-two-year-old, made a comment to me that she can't remember the last time she did her hair.  Without missing a beat, I said, "me either!"  She laughed and hi-fived me. Her mom dealt with chemo, so she wasn't offended.  Later on when I was picking up Isabelle, a friend came up to me and asked me what "that" was.  Now she is much taller than me--I'm only 5'1 on a good day.  So she was looking down as she asked, so it really did look like she was looking at my chest, at least from my perspective. My first thought was my foobies!  At least I asked "what?"  That gave her the chance to point to my arm.  I told the group I was with that I almost said something about "wearing my boobs" today.  Sometimes, you just have to laugh.

My prayer requests:

• Healing. That this chemo be effective.  I would hate to think that all of this is for nothing. I don't want to live with cancer forever. I want to beat it once and for all.  
• Mental battles. Along with the idea of "beating it once and for all" is a fear that it won't end.  That cancer will come back and I will have to do it over.  I know that happens to a lot of women, I've met some of them.  Many fight the rest of their lives with it. I admire their strength and willingness to fight.  But gosh, I am afraid of becoming one of them. I know that my health is all in God's hands and I should not be fearful.  But it is scary and my enemy knows this weakness-and he exploits it. I need to be physically strong, but spiritually and mentally as well.  

The battle

I was hoping to get a full night of sleep last night, but alas, it was not to be. I woke up at 11:30 a.m. to go to the bathroom and was awake until 2:30 when I made another trip. It was probably around 3 a.m. when I got back to sleep and was awake by 6 a.m.

I had a lot of time to think in the wee hours, and God definitely spoke to me during that time.

I realized how much my body, my flesh, is trying to work against me. First of all, by the cancer itself. But as I fight it, the flesh resists. I have sleep issues. Yesterday at the gym, my heart rate was above normal. My flesh is anxious.

But my mind, my spirit, is not. I truly am calm and have peace about this whole journey. It isn't easy. But I'm not freaking out. Sometimes the flesh gets the upper hand, I'll admit. But for the most part, I'm okay. In fact, sometimes the reactions I get from others are much more severe than my own.

A recent example. I've been a girl scout co-leader for Isabelle's girl scout troop since they were Daisies in kindergarden. This year is their first year of Juniors. We have a few new girls joining our troop. On Wednesday, we met to fill out some paperwork for an upcoming camp out. The leader mentioned that she would be trying to work the schedule out around my schedule, which brought a few looks. One mom there didn't know, so it came out. No big deal. I'm not secretive about it. Everyone was supportive, but at the same time the one mom who just learned was freaked out. I guess she is scared of cancer in general. But she marveled at how upbeat I was. I am kicking myself now for not saying something like, "It is by God's grace that I am even here right now. He is getting me through this." I mean, that is what I want to reflect on this whole journey. God's goodness, His faithfulness, His sustaining hand. I want to bring HIM glory. Instead, I said, "Well, its something I've got to do either way. I might as well do it with a smile on my face."

I've also had others look at me with sadness and pity. Like I have a foot in the grave. Even some people at church. I certainly don't share those emotions.

Some might refer to this as the "mind-body" connection. In a way it, is. But it goes much deeper than that. But my flesh wants to drag me down and freak me out. This is most definitely as much of a spiritual battle as it is a fleshly one.

This is how I see it in my life. The spirit and flesh are at war. It is a microcosm of the war between God and Satan, good and evil. I am a born again Christian, so I am blessed to have the indwelling of Christ in me. (To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Colossians 1:27) Satan sees that and attacks it. He uses my own flesh sometimes to do it. Right now, it is sleeplessness. It was the same right before my surgery as well.

But God is so good to me. Because despite the fact I am getting less sleep, I am not tired during the day. I'm able to function. He is lifting me up on wings like eagles. I am running (figuratively) and not growing weary, walking and not growing faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

God is stronger than the enemy. I know that He who is within me (Christ) is stronger than he who is attacking me. (I can't find the scripture reference quickly, but I know it is biblical.) Ultimately, I will win because Christ is my defender. But the enemy does not give up quickly. He is persistent.

I'm off to my first round of chemotherapy this morning. I pray that I am able to continue to resist the enemy (so he will flee). I pray that God refills my Holy Spirit tank each day as I feel the effects of this new phase of treatment. In any event, no matter how severe it may get, I know that I am not on my own. That God is with me, within me and will uphold me with His mighty hand. If I look like I am handling this well, it is not out of my own strength, but His. All glory to God!