They said it wouldn't last....

I remember when I was in that terrible time frame of knowing I had breast cancer, but not really knowing how bad it was. I was in the throes of trying to learn a new vocabulary, make decisions about treatment, figuring out how not to go crazy with worry.  I remember meeting with Kaiser's breast cancer care nurse, Judy. She coordinated everything for the newly diagnosed: breaking the news; surgeons; chemotherapy orientation classes; support groups; mastectomy products; post-surgery camisoles, etc. She was our first point person to ask questions of.

When I was diagnosed, we already knew the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes. Based on that, they were recommending chemo for systemic treatment of cancer. One of the first things I was told was that I would most likely lose my hair. When I met with Judy in person, she mentioned that when my hair grew back, it could quite possibly be curly. The "chemo curl" she called it, but she also added that it probably wouldn't last.

Sure enough, last year when it started to come back, my hair was in waves. As it grew longer, it was curly.  It was a new thing for me. I spent a lot of money in the 1980's and 1990's perming my fine straight hair into waves! I didn't do much with my new curls, other than trying to keep it from being too frizzed at the ends.  I always got lots of comments about the curls from people who knew me "BC" (before cancer).  Even though it was kind of wild, I kind of liked it. It was easy to deal with, for the most part.

I happen to be on vacation in France right now.  My mother in law happens to be a trained "coiffeuse."  That is, she has spent most of her life doing other people's hair.  After over 15 years of marriage, she had never cut my hair. She's done all the kids, but never mine.  This trip, however, the top of my hair was driving me nuts. It was clearly too long and I couldn't do anything with it. Out of desparation, I made a comment about it. She recognized the open door and offered to help.

What the heck. Even if I hated it, I figured it will grow back, right? Besides, I've been BALD. How bad could it be?  She took me downstairs, sat me in a chair and went for it.

She gave it a good whack, but had a vision in mind. In her words (roughly translated), she gave it a "shape." It is short, but again, I've been bald so its been shorter. The thing is....the curl seems to be gone.

So Judy was right.  The upside of it is that it kind of mentally puts me on the road of being another step past cancer and treatment. The downside is that I'm having to spend more time on it so it doesn't look ridiculous!  There are mornings when I wake up and its sticking straight up!  Not so easy when not at home with my own hair "stuff," no matter how long it had been since I used them.

They said it wouldn't last...and they seem to have been right!

On the Paris train with my new 'do

Absolutely ridiculous!

Yeah, its another post about my hair. This regrowing stage is very awkward. I'm glad that it is growing out, but there are some days when it looks absolutely ridiculous! 

I've seen other women in the hair regrowth phase and they are able to spike their hair and look kind of cool. So I bought some wax and have tried to do that a little bit. The problem is that as it comes in, it is kind of curly, so spikes don't really work. It has a tendency to stick out on the sides. A few days ago, I thought I'd go with it and just see how it would look sticking out all over-kind of an all over spikey thing. As my kids would say....it was an epic fail! Needless to say, it was a hat day that day!

I am blessed to have a wonderful hairdresser friend who was able to fit me in yesterday on short notice.  (I called her in desperation during the "hat" day!)  She actually cut some of the hair to make it look like a short haircut. It definitely looks better, and I appreciated getting some advice on how to deal with this hair situation. It basically is just going to take some time.  I met a fellow survivor a few weeks ago in church who told me that when she was bald, she promised God that she would never complain about another "bad hair day" if He would just give her hair again. She said she never complained since. 

I'm not so gracious. I'm not really complaining. It is just something completely new that I need to get used to.

I'm getting a lot of very nice comments from people and I appreciate everyone's support. I can't help but feel awkward about it. I've never worn it this short before-a shoulder length bob has historically been the hairdo that worked for me.  One friend pointed out today, that I should look at this experience as a way of "experimenting" with shorter hairdos. I  suppose that is an optimistic way of looking at it. Being an optimistic person, I could get behind that way of thinking. Another friend commented today that with this new look, no one would ever know that I had cancer.  

That is a good point. Another way of putting part of it behind me, although it will always be a part of who I am. It sounds good to talk of cancer in the past tense!

Prayer Requests:

My ongoing prayer request now is that the cancer never come back. That I be able to make clean and healthy lifestyle choices that will make my body an inhospitable host to cancer. But even more than that, I pray that God would keep the cancer from coming back. I know that I can do everything in my power to prevent recurrence through diet and exercise. But ultimately, it is in the hands of God. I pray that it His will that I be cancer free. Of course, I want His will in my life. So if it is His will that the cancer come back, I pray for the grace and strength to bear it and glorify Him in the process. (But I'd rather glorify Him cancer-free!)  But in the words of Jesus, "not my will, but Thy will be done." 

Exposed!

I've been going out more and more without a hat, scarf or wig.

I've gotten so many kind comments from everyone about how cute my new 'do looks. How its in style, how I could even play it up more with color, etc. How I've got a "pretty face" and nicely shaped head to pull it off where as others may not.  One lady this morning who didn't know about my cancer commented how she loves her short hair and wouldn't ever grow it out again.  I told her I didn't have much of a choice.  She was sweet about it. Anyway, all the comments are very gracious and nice. It does help me deal with the necessity of going out with the hair I do have.

But I feel exposed. Every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or car window, I'm taken aback. On the other hand, that isn't a new thing. Gosh, there have been many times in the past 10 months where I did not even recognize myself at all.

At this point, going back to the wig would be just plain weird.  Hats don't always work with what I'm wearing. I still wear a bandanna to the gym, but you can see sideburns peeking out.

I just have to press on and deal with it.  I remind myself that tomorrow, it will be longer than it was today.

I never considered myself a vain person. I remember going out of the house "BC" barely even brushing my hair. I would just put it up in a clip or combs and be done with it. Now I have to consider drawing eyebrows in so I don't look like a lizard. What about the head? Do I wear a hat? Does it match in style or color to what I'm wearing?  Even when I wear my hair "out" I have to put some gel in it to try and avoid the "rooster" look that it seems to want to do on its own. I probably need to get some shaping around my neck and ears with a buzzer, just so it looks a little cleaner.

And what is up with facial hair??  I've been told that comes with age. (Read: menopause)  It is seriously funny looking around my neck and jawline. Like a thick peach fuzz.  As my hair grows on my head, it is getting thicker.  I'm not sure what to do about that-I want to avoid chemicals, but I really don't want to look like Chewbacca!

On the other hand, going out without a scarf helps me feel like a normal person again. I don't have to "treat" my head, or cover it up. I've earned that "survivor" ribbon that is on the back of my car!  I'm not a walking advertisement for cancer anymore. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't know that I ever had an "issue."

Someone asked me yesterday if I thought I could go on as if I never had cancer. Definitely not. For one thing, I will deal with lymphedema for the rest of my life. That's a daily reminder.  My body has been permanently altered as well. Although we get used to it, the ragged scars remind me if I look. As an aside, I wore my prosthetics the other day and I caught Eric looking at me really strangely.  He just thought it looked weird for me to have breasts again.  I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing!  There are also the dietary changes that are important for me to fight any recurrence. That is a permanent change. I've come across many who have treated their own cancer through dietary changes alone with success.  If they can beat the disease that way, it will give me the best chances to incorporate those habits into my diet to fight illness-whether it is cancer or something else.  But that is another blog post.

One breast cancer survivor told me that as time goes by, you get more confident about your health. That is probably true. Having normal length hair will help me too.

A big step

Today I took a couple of big steps. At least they were for me.

First, I took a Zumba class for the first time since my surgery last July. I used to love going and doing it. It made me feel like I did when I was a kid and took dance classes. Having taken dance classes for several years, I'm pretty good at picking up coreography. So I caught onto Zumba fairly fast. After I was physically able after surgery, I didn't take classes just because I never wanted to wait in the long line. Women start lining up 45 minutes before the class starts! I just don't want to waste that much time not exercising at the gym.  Today, I was on the ellipitcal, and had done about 25 of my 30 minute program. The Zumba line was pretty short, and there were only 10 minutes left before it was going to start. I was in!  I didn't have as much to shake up on top like I used to, but whatever. It was still fun, and a great way to switch up the workout!

The other step was even bigger.

I went out in public with NO wig, NO hat, NO scarf. Just me and my super short hair. I took the kids to see the new "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" movie. I was a little nervous about doing it. What if I saw someone I knew? Would I be mistaken for a man?  But at some point, I knew I was going to have to just go for it. Some women wear their hair really short on purpose. I put on some earrings, filled in my eyebrows with liner, put some gel in the hair I do have and went out.

It's funny. The kids didn't even notice until I mentioned it afterwards. They are used to seeing me "as is" around the house, so it was no big deal. I felt a little awkward when I thought about it. I felt REALLY awkward as we were leaving the theater and I saw my reflection in the window of my car.  But whatever. It is what it is. In a way, it was kind of liberating not to hide under a hat or head covering. Gray hairs and all!

As it turned out, I did see someone I knew. A friend from church. She has the distinction of being the first to see me "au naturale."  I don't know if she was shocked or not, I know I would be if I were her. I usually wear the wig on Sundays!

I'm not sure when I'll do it again. Probably next week for my 5k for sure. We'll see how I feel each day. Here is how I looked:

Hair update

It has been over 3 months since my last round of chemotherapy.

My hair is growing back. It still is too short to wear on its own. But it definitely is there.  It looks like a dark/grey fuzzy cap on my head. I can't tell if it is going to curl or not. Many cancer survivors experience their hair coming back with a different texture than it was before.  A "chemo curl" is what they call it. My hair before was straight and fine. When I was younger, it was pretty thick.  Starting after I gave birth to Isabelle, my hair started to thin out. At that time, it was breaking. After Jean-Marc, it started coming out from the root.  The amount of hair loss was freaky. I should have known something was up. I chalked it up to post-pregnancy hormones. As it turned out, it WAS hormones, and not good ones. Estrogen is not my friend. It makes my cancer grow.

Jennifer Griffin

Anyway, I do look forward to the time when I can just wear it as it is and not feel weird about it. Just spike it all up like Jennifer Griffen or Carly Fiorina during the California senatorial primary season. Actually, this photo of Jennifer isn't too far off of what mine looks like right now. It is a bit longer than mine.   I find myself constantly rubbing my head, a lot like I did during the falling out process. Its not something I think about, I just find myself doing it a lot.

There is definitely a lot of gray in there. I'm not sure if I'm going to do anything about that down the line. Before cancer, I colored my hair.  Now that I'm trying to detoxify my environment, I don't know how to cover the gray that doesn't expose me to chemicals and junk I'm trying to avoid.  We'll see how it looks longer. My midwife had gray hair and it did not make her look old at all. Maybe it will be similar for me?

I'm not wearing head scarves as much anymore. I'm finding hats are a good middle ground. I have a shadow of hair along my temple and in the back. When I was bald, it was strange to wear a hat because there was no hairline.  I still wear my wig a few times a week. I surprised a few fourth graders last week when I chaperoned their field trip with a full head of hair!  Their initial reactions reminded me of my five year old nephew's observation a couple weeks before.  I had worn a headscarf on Saturday and my wig on Sunday. On Sunday, he asked me incredulously, "How did your hair grow so fast?"

As for hair in other places, it is also coming back. I didn't actually lose all of my body hair. It thinned out on my arms and my eyebrows, but I didn't completely lose it.  It makes me wonder if I hadn't taken an electric razor to my head, if I would have completely lost it.  I had enough left on my eyebrows to give me some guidance on filling them in with brow liner.  I had purchased some templates before chemo, and never ended up using them.  I still fill them in, but need to give them a good wax underneath.  My eyelashes actually got thinner after chemo ended. I tried putting on some mascara and it is just ridiculous. Especially on the bottom-there are just a few millimeters of lash there. As for my legs, now THAT was a silver lining to the whole cancer thing. To have smooth legs for several months and not having to shave was great! I'm fortunate in that the hair on my legs is blond and fine, so even hairy, they don't look that bad. But that is coming back now too. I even got out the old razor and gave them a swipe a week or so ago.

You know, it wasn't so bad shaving my legs after all this time!