Floaties

The kids and I finished our first week of summer swimming lessons today.  I signed the two older kids up for the advanced class which gives them 30 minutes of lap swimming and help refining their strokes. Olivier is going to be doing the lifesaving merit badge at boy scout summer camp, so this will help him get familiar with swimming again.  I am doing a mommy and me class with Jean-Marc. He's technically old enough to do a preschooler class on his own, but this is his first time in a swimming class, so I'm doing it with him. I did it for the other two kids as well. We weren't able to do any lessons last summer...I was in the thick of cancer what-ifs, decision making, and surgery.   My mom referred to it as "the lost summer."  That is a good description of it. Life came to a screeching halt and nothing was normal.

So we are back to life after taking a summer off.  The novelty for me is donning a bathing suit with my foobies. I was told that I could wear them in the water, I just have to wash them off and let them air dry afterwards. It looks kind of bizarre to see these disembodied boobs drying on my bathroom counter, I must say.  I have 3 suits from Land's End. They make several of their suits with mastectomy pockets on the top. I actually had a bikini from last summer that, upon inspection, had the pockets. Nifty. I was able to buy a top to match a new suit that I bought last summer, and then I bought a whole new suit.

This week was my "test run" of the of the foobies-in-water.  So far, I've worn two of the three suits. I realized something today, though. Jean-Marc and I were in his class, and I'm leading him around doing our activities. I glanced down and noticed that the tops of my foobies were coming out of the dark navy blue suit top. Yikes!

Note to self, as well as bathing suit manufacturers:  Put the pockets on the side of the suit, not the top.  I think that navy suit will be relegated to sunbathing and not water activities. The rest of the class, I was self-conscious and kept having to tuck the foob back in the suit.

That's right. Foobies float.  And they will float right out of the top of my suit if I'm not careful!  If I thought they looked strange on my bathroom counter, imagine the shock of the teenage swimming teacher to see them floating in the pool!

It gets complicated

Today I had the opportunity to sneak off for a couple hours all by myself and do some clothes shopping. This does not happen very often, and I'm pretty sure this was the first time since my diagnosis.

Last year, it was a blast to shop for clothes. I had gone from a size 14 to a size 6. I'm still 10 pounds away from my actual goal, but am tired of being in the mindset that I have to lose more weight. I've been able to maintain where I am since my diagnosis, and being on Tamoxifen, that is no small feat. So I'm starting to try and get a mindset of being happy where I am. Of course, if 10 pounds would magically fall off, I'd be thrilled. I'll still work on it, but decided not to put off the shopping. (Maybe its the chapter in the bible study book I'm doing about being content?)  Besides, the opportunity does not present itself very often. And hey, if I lose 10 pounds or more and need to get clothes smaller than a 6, well...then, I'll go buy 4s!

Shopping is still fun-6 is pretty much my size right now and that is beyond amazing.

I had the forethought to put on my foobies at the last minute before heading out the door. I was mainly looking for shorts and tops. The first few tops I tried on fit great with the foobies. As I was slipping the third one on, I realized...maybe I should try them on without the foobs. I don't wear them all the time, and I don't want to be locked into having to wear them all the time. So I had to go back, take off the bra, put the clothes back on. It's a little more complicated than it used to be!

In the end, it was a very successful shopping expedition. I got 3 pairs of shorts and several tops that are different from those that I already have.  It was fun, even with the added complication.

Down to the wire

Summer is on its way! The weather today in San Diego was absolutely gorgeous.  The kids have less than 30 days of school left, and summer plans are in the making. One thing I want to do this summer is take a mommy and me swim class with Jean-Marc to get him used to the water. To do that, I need to figure out my bathing suit situation.

I've loved Land's End clothing for some time. I've always liked the casual look they  have. More recently, I've appreciated the brand because they consider a "small" in the size 6-8 range, so that works for me. There is something really encouraging about knowing I'm putting size small on! Maybe it was because it was a pair of Land's End shorts in size 14 that were too tight two years ago that pushed me over the edge to say "enough is enough!"

Anyway, I was pleased to find out from a friend that many of their swimsuits come with mastectomy pockets on the top.  Did you know that my foobies are waterproof?  Yep, I can get them wet in the pool or the ocean and all I need to do is wash them in the shower afterwards.  As long as there is a little pocket in the suit, I can slip my foobies in and no one will be the wiser. This was great news, since I had purchased 2 new swimsuits last spring before my diagnosis. Because they allow you to mix and match, if I could find a top that matched some of the bottoms I already had, I wouldn't have to buy an entire new suit. As luck would have it, they did!  I went ahead and ordered the top only in a cute navy with white polka dot that matches some bottoms I have. I also got a whole new suit that is more athletic looking in pink. (I couldn't just get ONE item!)

The suits came today. I love getting stuff in the mail that I've ordered! Especially fun stuff like clothes. The pink suit looks pretty good. I was a teeny bit disappointed that it doesn't look like I could just wear the top without the foobies in it because it has a molded cup. But it will look okay anyway.  I would like to have the option of just going without "breasts" altogether, but I'll have to find another suit that doesn't have a molded cup.  That will be my "flat" suit.

Anyway, the polka dot top looks cute, and matches the bottoms perfectly.  The only problem is that it has an underwire. I was told to stay away from underwires because it impedes the flow of lymphatic fluid.  So there is the chance that it may not work with my lymphedema. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. I haven't even tried it on, so maybe it won't fit too tightly. We'll see. If it fits too tight, I'll have to return it. If it isn't too tight, I may keep it and see what happens. Any of you survivors out there have any experience with underwires?

Regardless of the suit, I'm really looking forward to the summer time.  This summer is going to be SO MUCH BETTER than last summer! Last summer was such a detour for us. We went from all of these plans to be active and enjoy the time together to the drama of surgery, recovery, and chemotherapy. It was no fun for anyone. This summer I'll be training for the 3 Day in November, going to France on a family vacation, taking the kids to the beach, celebrating birthdays, and making the most out of every day that God has given me. I can't wait!

Nails and foobs

I think I am experiencing a new side effect from the chemotherapy this week.

A couple days ago as I was working in the kitchen, my fingertips kind of hurt.  Almost like I had been using my fingernails as tools to pry something open.  Tender to the touch, and a little sore.  As I look at my fingernails, I see some horizontal stripes on them.  For those who have been following my blog for awhile, you may remember that I was concerned about one of my toenails.  It still is black and blue and starting to lift.  

I did a quick google search and found this out about one of my chemo drugs, taxotere/docetaxel:

"Nail changes (Color changes to your fingernails or toenails may occur while taking docetaxel. In extreme, but rare, cases nails may fall off. After you have finished docetaxel treatments, your nails will generally grow back) (see skin problems)."


Nice, huh?  I covered up my toenails with some bright red polish today.  It's not worth it to do my fingernails.  I have them in and out of water so much that I can't keep polish on for more than a day or two.

Hopefully all 20 will hang on (literally) for a little bit longer!

On another note, there has been a lot of publicity this week about the new airport screening measures adopted by the TSA.  I wondered about what could happen if I went through these new measures wearing my prosthetic breasts.  Would it look weird on the full body scan and trigger a more invasive inspection?  I then heard this story today:

(CBS)  A flight attendant and cancer survivor said she was forced to remove and show her prosthetic breast to a TSA agent during a security pat-down.


Cathy Bossi of Charlotte, who has been a flight attendant for the past 32 years, told CBS Affiliate WBTV that in August she was asked to go through the new full-body scanners at Charlotte Douglas International Airport.


As a 3-year breast cancer survivor Bossi said she didn't want the added radiation through her body, but reluctantly agreed.


"The TSA agent told me to put my ID on my back," Boss told WBTV correspondent Molly Grantham. "When I got out of there, she said because my ID was on my back, I had to go to a personal screening area."


Bossi was taken to a private room where two female Charlotte TSA agents began what she calls an "aggressive" pat-down.


Bossi said the exam halted when they got around to feeling her right breast - the one where she'd had surgery.


"She put her full hand on my breast and said, 'What is this?' Bossi recalled. "And I said, 'It's my prosthesis because I've had breast cancer.' And she said, 'Well, you'll need to show me that.'"


Bossi was asked to remove her prosthetic breast from her bra and show it to the agent.


She said she did not take down the name of the agent because of the "horrific" nature of the experience.


"It just blew my mind. I couldn't believe that somebody had done that to me,'" she told WBTV.


Bossi has since contacted the flight attendants union's Legislative Affairs Team.


She says there are better alternatives to such intrusive examinations.


"There are blowers and there are dogs that could sniff out bombs," she said. "There's no reason to have somebody's hands touching your body parts."


A TSA representative told WBTV that agents are allowed to ask to see and touch any passenger's prosthetic, but aren’t supposed to remove them. Later, the TSA contacted the station and said they would review the Bossi matter. 

Like I've said before, breast cancer is the gift that keeps on giving.

Incognito cancer patient

I'm undercover today.

It wasn't by design or anything.  I just didn't want to have to figure out what to wear on my head that would match with one of my few long sleeved shirts.  It was actually raining in San Diego today, and the chillier weather warranted something other than short sleeves that I've grown accustomed to.   I was running short on time, so I just put on my wig.  Just for good measure, I also strapped on the girls.  That is, the prosthetic breasts.  Or as I affectionately refer to them, my "foobies."

The wig is really super.  I catch glimpses in the mirror or in a window, and it really does look great.  Like I just stepped out of the hair salon.  And it doesn't go flat in a few minutes!  No bad hair days with wigs, that is for sure.

But it has been a strange day.

Jean-Marc and I went to our weekly mommy and me class, stopping at the library first. I was out and about, going about normal business looking "normal."  Not with a look that screamed "CANCER PATIENT!"  The other moms at the class had seen me in head scarves, so they knew.  I was even a little nervous about showing up in a wig when everyone knew anyway. But not everyone did.  One mom complimented me on my hairstyle.  She said, "I wish my hair would do that."  I almost said, "I wish mine did too!"  I wasn't sure of what to say, really.  Did she know?  Hadn't she noticed the scarves the weeks before?  Or even when we all openly talked about it after the first week or so, just to break the ice?  Maybe she wasn't there that day?  I just accepted the compliment with the "thanks."  When the second mom said something and asked me about the color, I came clean and told her it was a wig.  She asked me if I changed wigs a lot and I told her about the chemo, cancer, and all of that.  She was really sweet about it and we talked about the treatment and stuff.  Like others have said, she had no idea that I was going through of that, and how amazed she was that I was coming to these weekly classes,  and so on.   Again, that is all thanks to God's grace, definitely not my own strength.

I also went to Trader Joe's incognito.  The employees there are so friendly.  The lady checking me out was chatting as she scanned my groceries.  "Did you have a nice weekend?"  she asked me.  Hmm.  What to say. Do I really lay it on and say that I was resting after chemo?  Ha! Probably more than she bargained for with her small talk.  I just said that it was fine.  She asked if I had enjoyed our "light show" on Monday.  Like I mentioned before, we've been having weather in San Diego this week, and apparently she was referring to rain or some lightening on Monday.  I didn't know there was lightening, but then again, I was in the fog on Monday.  I just told her that I was hibernating with the cooler weather.  I don't need to give a reason.  Besides, then you get into the whole cancer conversation.  I'll pass.  Especially when I'm masquerading as a healthy person!

I realize how wrapped up in our own appearances we are.  For one, people who have seen me in cancer garb and see me in the wig don't always notice.  Some do.  But I'm surprised at how many don't. Not everyone is taken aback by the head scarves, I realize.  Although some are.  I've noticed people of all ages giving me sideways glances out in public.  But even for me, just looking normal today has been a total head trip, affecting how I act and feel.  It's interesting.  That's not to say when I'm wearing a scarf I feel bad.  Very often, I feel just fine.  Heck, some of my scarves are worth more than the wig! Something that I used to say in high school (to justify sometimes going around like a slob) was that everyone was too worried about the zit on their nose to notice yours.  I suppose that is true.  Appearances make a difference, even though they shouldn't.

On a slightly related topic, someone asked me today where I get my head scarves.  She has a friend who was just diagnosed with colon cancer and her hair had started falling out after chemo.  I thought I'd give a list of where I've gotten some of mine:

• 4 Women: This is where I get my "beau beaus."  They are great because they slip on like a hat, but look like a tied scarf.  They come in lots of colors, patterns and fabrics too.  Each one comes with a matching scrunchie.  
• France Luxe:  This is a pretty high end site with all kinds of hair and head accessories.  But they have a wonderful program called "Good Wishes" where they will give chemo patients a free head scarf.  The one they sent me retails at $72!  They are gorgeous, made of silk with crystals in the tails.  Lovely! 
• TLC: This is the American Cancer Society's online catalog.  They have lots of  hats, scarves, bands, and hair loss items.  Things you never even thought that you might need....like night caps to catch hair that falls out at night.
• Headcovers Unlimited: A lot like TLC.  They also have kits and templates to draw on eyebrows that come out.  
• Your own collection?  I happen to have a lot of silk scarves, thanks to my husband and mother in law. I would get a Hermes or Louis Vuitton scarf on major holidays and Mother's Day.  It was my own personal "French Connection." A 30 inch square scarf can be tied into a turban pretty easily.   I've also found hats at Target and Marshall's.  Check out this video for tips on tying: 

I have a few more stops to make today.  I pick up Isabelle from her girl scout meeting very soon.  That should be fun...her leader is a breast cancer survivor and will like to see my wig.  Then I have to take Olivier to karate.  I've been there 2 other times in the last week, but wearing a scarf or a hat.  Today, I'll go incognito. 

All systems GO!

I went in for my pre-chemo lab work and oncology visit.  Everything looks good.  My blood counts are excellent, even for a non-cancer patient. Thank you Jesus!  I mentioned my "female" issues and we agreed to let chemo take its course and see what happens.  It often will stop women's cycles.  There are drugs they could give me to stop them, but I'd rather avoid more medication if I can.  He said chemo can interfere with ovulation, so basically I get to live with every day as a suprise in that department.  Lovely!  If I was worried about my red blood cell count because of the periods, he said I could take an iron supplement, but my blood counts really didn't warrant that.  Spinach works, folks!  Food is medicine!

I have a new side effect.  It looks like I am in the process of losing a toe nail.  Fortunately, it is not the big toe.  It is the second nail on the left foot.  About a week ago, it started hurting. I thought maybe I had an ingrown nail. I gave myself a gentle pedicure over the weekend and trimmed it.  It wasn't ingrown, but still was irritating.  This morning, I took the polish of that nail and it was turning black.  Apparently, this is a possible side effect of taxotere.  It may fall off, but Dr. P said that would happen when another nail grows underneath to replace it. That is good news.  But it all is a bit ghoulish.

So all systems are a go for tomorrows chemotherapy round.  Round number three.  When I was coming out of the pharmacy with my next batch of Cipro, I ran into the chemo nurse.  I told her, "We have a date tomorrow!"  The chemo appointments themselves really aren't that bad.  At least they haven't been for me so far.

My afternoon was more interesting.  I went to the Women's Health Boutique to get my prostheses. It is funny because you basically get to pick what size you want to be.  I was a B cup before, so we started there.  She measured me and went and got several bras in a 36B.  I tried a couple on, and they just looked HUGE!  Maybe it was because "my" B's were saggier, but these just made me feel conspicuous.  I had brought a form fitting sweater to try on as well to see how it looked.  So we switched to 36A.  Ah.  That looked much better. Kaiser pays for 3 bras each year, and a set of foobs every 2 years.  The foobs have a 2 year warranty, so they only pay for them when the warranty runs out.  Sounds like a car, doesn't it?

Frankly, I've become accustomed to being flat.  Having something up there again feels pretty strange. Maybe its because they don't have any sensation.  I realized I've developed the habit of crossing my arms over my chest.  Now when I do that, I bump into these "things."  It is also kind of strange because you are just standing there nude from the top up and the lady is coming in and putting the bras on and off of you.  It's not that big of a deal...I've lost a lot of any shyness around professionals when it comes to my chest.  Childbirth does it for down below, now this!

The prosthetic "foobies" just slip into the bra.  You fold it up a bit like a taco and slip it in the bra itself.  Then when you put on your bra, you are putting on your breasts as well!  It gives me a new angle each morning getting ready.  Do I want to have a breast-look, or not?  I don't think I'll work out in them, although I could.  They are even waterproof!  Salt water or pool water.  All you have to do is take them into the shower and wash them off.  Wild.  They do have weight and feel of real flesh. I'll weigh them tomorrow and see how much they weigh.

The kids are a little weirded out by the new additions.  I gave Isabelle a hug after school and she stepped back with a quizzical look on her face. She isn't that keen on them at this point. Olivier is going to be weirded out on the whole thing because, well, he is in middle school.  Once again, Jean-Marc is the only one who didn't notice. He even leaned back on them while I was reading him a goodnight story tonight and didn't flinch a bit. 

Praise Report! 
I had asked for prayer about the timing working out for Isabelle's student council speech?  Well the school moved the speech time to 2 p.m.  They didn't really, because my mom got there at 2 p.m. and Isabelle was in the middle of her speech. But because of the bizarre rain storm we had today, they moved it inside to the cafeteria, so the kids had to do the speeches twice to accommodate the number of students.  I got out of the appointment right at 2 p.m. and raced over to the school.  Typical of San Diego, a little rain and people forget how to drive.  So traffic on the 78 freeway was a little slow.  Stress!  I got there as soon as I can, and literally ran to the cafeteria.  I got there with a couple minutes to spare!  I was so happy to be able to be there.  She had been so nervous this morning.  And furthermore...she won!  Here is her speech if you're interested:

Prayer Requests:

• That I get a good night's sleep tonight.  I'm going to take the sleeping pill because I'm on the steroid now which kind of amps you up.  But still, anxiety could trump that. 
• That this third round of chemo go smoothly.  That I don't get sick while there.  That I tolerate it well and that it does what it is supposed to do.  
• That we have a smooth weekend.  Eric leaves on a business trip on Sunday. My plan is to lay low and take it easy this weekend.  I don't want to be tired out from the weekend on Monday when the crazy school and activity schedule starts up again.
• That the kids who did not win one of the 4 coveted officer spots aren't too disappointed.  Its hard to put yourself out there and fall short in front of everyone.  We've been there too.  

Winds through the stubble

I need to find another word for "weird" and "bizarre." I find myself using those adjectives way too much. But they pretty much are my life right now. They describe a new normal that I keep finding new aspects to.

I went outside (in the backyard) today without anything on my head for the first time. It wasn't for very long. In fact, covering my head completely slipped my mind. I just wanted to get Jean-Marc outside to kick some balls around. He loves doing that, and I needed to kill some time with him. If we were to stay in the house, he would start begging me, "eat, eat." It was a good hour before any reasonable dinnertime for him. So we went outside. (No worries about sun-it is a shady yard in the late afternoon).

I still have some stubble on my head, and to feel the breeze through it was...you guessed it! WEIRD!

I had a physical therapy appointment this afternoon. This was with a different therapist up here at the Kaiser facility in San Marcos. I was very happy to go, especially after the tingling arm scare this weekend. She started out by measuring my hand and arm to compare them with the measurements taken last month. They were a little bit bigger, but not by much. She wasn't really concerned about it. I just need to always keep a constant eye on my arm, wrist, hand and fingers to be on the lookout for any swelling. Especially since I wear my wedding rings on my left hand.

She went on to do some manual lymphatic drainage and described the technique as she did it on me. Its a very light touch. Calling it a "massage" is almost a misnomer. You start at your collarbone doing circular motions down and up. The idea is that you want to move the fluid away from the left armpit and towards the heart. From there, the heart can pass it to the kidneys and you basically urinate the bad stuff out. (Lovely, huh? Hey--your body does it too! It just doesn't need the help!) From the collarbone, you move down in the abdominal area, then to the hip crease/groin. Then diagonally down from the waistline to the groin, the left armpit to waist, then groin. That is the pathway that is most important-you want to show the body where to put that fluid on the left side...away from the armpit to the lymph nodes in the groin. After that, you move to the upper arm, elbow, forearm, wrist then fingers. Deep abdominal breathing helps move the fluid around as well. I'm supposed to do this 1 or 2 times a day.

She also worked on the cording on my left armpit. That was a little uncomfortable because it required her to really stretch the arm out and manipulate it around until the scar tissue would pop a little bit. I just focused on my breath and was fine. She said I had a really good range of motion and that the scar tissue looked really good everywhere. I'm glad to hear that, because it looks like a freak show to me.

I really liked this therapist a lot. She seems more low intervention than the one I saw before. She didn't think I needed a compression sleeve and gauntlet at this point. I told her I wanted to have one on hand in case the need did arise and she was fine putting in an order for two of them at the Women's Health boutique.

I asked her about using light hand weights to do some circuit training. I've been itching to get back to more upper body work. At this point, she said the weight of my own arm is enough of a challenge. (I thought...NOT!) Perhaps after all of my chemo and radiation I could start out with some very light weights. I'm just going to have to settle for getting exercise another way for awhile. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get back to the muscle tone in my arms that I had before the surgery. But at least I'm alive! Praise God for that and the strength that He has provided me.

I did some pilates this morning. Ouch. I'm going to be sore. I definitely need to do that more often. The core work is incomparable. This workout did a little bit of cardio which consisted of some ballet moves, which brought me back to my childhood doing demi-plies, grand plies, and eleves. The hardest part was the mat work on the floor for the abs. Oh. My. Gosh. It was killer. I was glad it was only 30 minutes! It was hard, but if I do it more, I'll be so strong in the middle. I think I'm going to go for it. My abs have gotten a bit soft since my surgery. I haven't gained any weight, per se. But considering I had all my breast tissue removed, I should have lost a few pounds through that. So I think I did put on a bit, even though the scale does not reveal it. I also went on a power walk with friends after we dropped the kids off at school. We didn't do the "big" hill, but it was enough to get the blood flowing.

I am definitely due for a long visit at the Women's Health Boutique. I need to get fitted for the compression sleeve, but also for post-mastectomy bras and foobies! (Foobies=prosthetic/fake breasts that slip inside a pocket in the bra.) I've been going without anything for a few weeks now. No bra, no camisole. It would be nice to have a more feminine form though sometimes. So bring on the foobs!

My prayer requests:

• That I do not develop lymphedema. I just don't want to go there. Having to wear really tight compression garments all the time, no way.
• That the chemo drugs are effective against any renegade cancer cells. Someone at church yesterday asked me if there was anything he could pray about for me. He has sat near me on and off for a few years. I don't think he's that involved in the fellowship-he drives down from LA a few times a month to visit his mom. I guess the scarf on the head didn't give it away, because when I said he could pray that the chemo does its job, he was shocked. It's good to know that wearing a scarf on your head for 2 weeks in a row doesn't flash 'CANCER PATIENT' in neon lights to the world.
• That the stubble on my head just fall out. The good news is that the sores on my head have stopped appearing and it isn't irritating as it was last week. Answer to prayer, right there! Thank you, faithful saints!

Fluffies

Yesterday, mom and I went to the gym. Yeah! Another 'normal' activity to do for the first time. I was even able to get into one of my pullover workout shirts without too much pain. We rode the recumbent stationary bikes for 45 minutes. I even wore my heart rate monitor to make sure I got into my training zone. It felt indescribably good to sweat. I've always found the bike hard because you can't get away from the work on the legs. They take the full brunt of the work. Right now, they are the only part of me that really can, so its a good form of cardio for me. Even the upright bike is a no-no because of the tendency to lean on the handlebars. After the cardio, I did my upper body stretches. There were no mats in the stretching area, so I went into the room where they teach the classes and grabbed mats and took them to the other area. It was a good thing no one stopped me. I was all ready drop the cancer/mastectomy bomb on them! Look here, I had a double mastectomy 11 days ago and stretching is one of the only things in this gym I can do right now! All geared up for confrontation and there was none. Funny.

After my shower, I felt pretty good. Doing those once normal things without help is such a mood booster. We had plans later in the afternoon to take the kids to see the movie, "Cats and Dogs." So what was I going to wear?

So far, I've just worn the post-surgical camisoles and gone "flat." The camisoles I wear now in place of a bra have little pockets to insert what Judy the nurse at Kaiser called "fluffs." They are little pillows filled with what looks like lambs wool. (Takes me back to the days as a kid taking ballet lessons and stuffing lambs wool into the end of my toe shoes). I thought I'd give them a try and see how they looked. I took a big wad out of each one to begin with-they were just too poofy. I crammed them in the slot and put the camisole on. Then I put a shirt on over it.

Maybe its something I will have to get used to. It felt like I had two pillows strapped to my chest. It was just plain strange. There was no sensation in them. Why would there be? They are pillows! I felt silly all day. I don't think anyone noticed until I mentioned it. But I felt like everyone in the house zeroed in on it as soon as I came downstairs. I showed Eric and he seemed to think it was good. I felt like a dork. It also made me feel fat. I've been working a year to take OFF the padding, not put it back on.

It kind of ties into my 'elephant in the room' post. Everyone knows that I've lost my breasts. To wear little fake ones seems like I'm trying to pretend that I didn't. That I'm desperate to regain what I've lost. But I'm not. I don't mind being flat right now. I'm fighting locally advanced breast cancer-I've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about being flat. I don't want to sound judgmental of other breast cancer warrior who feel differently. This is just me-I totally understand that other women in my situation want to have some form of breasts. Right now, I'm not even interested in thinking about reconstruction. I've got chemo and most likely radiation to tackle. I don't want to consider another surgery and more pain.

This all might change. Maybe after I'm not in post-operative pain I'll want to have that space in my clothes filled up again. Maybe when I have the real prostheses instead of little lambs wool pillows it won't feel so weird.

I'm leaving the fluffies in the closet today.

One week to go...

Just one more week to go. I can't wait. But then again, I'm dreading it too.

It is hard to describe how it feels to hate part of your body. To be disgusted by it. Betrayed by it. It's not like having a bad hair day. Or when I was heavier and "hated" being overweight. That was more of an internal thing. The weight was just a reflection of other things going on, bad choices I made, a negative spiral that had happened for decades. It was about a year ago when something "clicked" in my head and made me decide to turn it around. I did everything right by my body and the weight came off. Then my breast turned on me. Anyone who has debated me knows that I like to have the last word. And I will with this too. In a week, I'll have the final word and the breast will BE GONE. The right one is a casualty of war. Sorry, but collateral damage happens.

The ironic thing is that I was actually liking my body (breasts included) for the first time. I was proud of what it had done in the past, sure. Growing 3 babies. Breastfeeding each one for a year. Having natural births at home after a cesarean with Olivier (HBAC). That was an awesome achievement for my body. My breasts were good at making milk, too. Sometimes, the poor baby would choke at all of the milk flowing! I would have to double up on pads in my bra so I wouldn't leak. They served their purpose quite well. But they were still big, floppy and made me uncomfortable. So when I went from a D cup to a B it was actually nice. Some people might complain about losing weight in their bustline. Not me. It was more proportioned with my height. I liked it.

But then the cancer was found. Now I detest them and want them gone.

In a way, I can design my new breasts. Even with prosthetics, I can be whatever size I want to be. You can bet I won't go over a B. I think it may be strange wearing prosthetics after the mastectomy. They say it is important for your shoulders and overall balance to wear them. Clothes will fit like they should. But everyone knows that my breasts will have been cut off. Will everyone be staring at my chest? It's kind of funny to write this on the blog, because now you're all on notice. But these are the thoughts I've been having. Then I thought....what about women who have had boob jobs? Everyone knows about that...are they worried that people are staring at their chests? Oh, the places the mind goes while waiting for surgery!

Another aspect of this is one I've alluded to before, and that is having my mind always elsewhere. I can't say I really "enjoy" anything right now, although some things come close. Yesterday came close. Isabelle and I were at a swimming party for her girl scout troop. Her leader just came out of breast cancer treatment several months ago. She has been a wonderful friend and confidante in all of this, because she knows exactly what I'm going through. I thought I was putting on a pretty good show yesterday. But at one point she called me out, in a loving way, about me not being "present." Busted! It was okay. In fact, it is kind of nice to have someone around who understands and gets it. It was nice to chat with some of my friends and talk about things, even the cancer. It's not something that I want to hide. I'm glad it wasn't the big elephant in the room (or poolside) yesterday.

My mom has mentioned that since my diagnosis, even her breasts have hurt. Another friend found an odd bump on the side of her chest that has her concerned. If my journey does anything, I hope it sends the message to each and every woman, regardless of her age, to be aware of any changes in her breasts. Go for screenings. Even if they say you are too young. Actually DO the monthly self-exams. There are other screening techniques besides mammograms, too. My midwife mentioned while I was pregnant with Jean-Marc some kind of thermal imaging scan. She said she periodically had some guy come to her office and screen women who were interested. You may have to pay for it out of pocket, but catching a cancer at stage 0 is worth a few bucks, in my opinion. Time is your enemy, and it is deadly.

So here I am, marking time. Only a week left. There are are things for me to do: I need to go in for a chest X-ray; I'm meeting my best friend at Glen Ivy on Saturday for a spa day; I still need to do my advanced health care directive; church on Sunday; I want to wash and change the sheets on my bed before surgery; tidy up a bit for my mother in law's arrival on the 20th; welcome Olivier home and hear about his camp adventures; go visit my new nephew and hear my sister and law tell me her epic birth story; make sure our finances are set and bills are paid; and of course..BLOG!

My prayer requests today:

• That the cancer stops in its tracks and does not go beyond where we know it is. That those pesky cells just freeze for the next 7 days. Or even disappear. I know God can do that if it is in His will.
• That I be able to rest. I actually was able to sleep over 7 hours last night. What a blessing! But I do think I need continued prayer for it. Isn't it amazing how dependent we are on God...even for our rest?
• That I be able to focus on our finances and get all the bills paid before surgery. I don't want to miss any payments that would cause problems. (Especially insurance premiums!)
• That my kids have peace of mind. I told Isabelle the other day that if she had any questions or fears, she could ask me. Her question was...."Mom, are you going to die?" So even though they may put on a brave face and not seem to get it, they are scared. Pray that they be able to share these fears with us and not keep them bottled up.

The Women's Health Store

Today I went and got my post-surgery camisoles. The store is just a block away from my church, Calvary Chapel of Escondido.

Judy, from Kaiser, had called in the authorization for me. Kaiser will provide 2 of the camisoles for me. There was some insurance paperwork to fill out and sign. The lady who worked there commented that the paperwork will only get worse. I'm pretty sure she was referring to the changes coming down from the federal government getting more involved in health care.

The store itself had a lot of interesting things. Compression bands, which I'll probably need for my left arm if I ever travel by air to prevent swelling. They had lots of nice hats, scarves, bandanna and wigs. I'm definitely going to go back there after surgery. I feel a little awkward trying on these things at this point. At least the wigs there had modern styles to them. They also had a bunch of mastectomy bras and swimwear. These garments have little pockets that you can slip your foob into. The lady who worked there was very nice. She asked me what size I usually wear. I had to think a bit, since I've changed sizes so much in the last year. I explained my hesitation and said maybe a 6. She asked what diet I did to lose the weight. When I mentioned Jillian Michaels, she got all excited and said she just bought her book, "Master Your Metabolism." We chatted a bit about it. I explained that the food wasn't really a diet, but changing your eating habits to clean, organic, whole foods. Plus, the exercise...hard exercise, was key as well. It was nice to hear her say she couldn't imagine me not being "so tiny." You have no idea how strange it is to hear someone describe me in that way.

Anyway, she took me to the back and showed me the camisole. I tried a small size on. It was snug, but it is supposed to be. I told her without boobs, it won't be as tight. I took 2 pairs, one in white the other beige. I also got to hold one of the prosthetics for the first time. Yesterday they looked so heavy. The first one I picked up did, but she said it was a big size. She handed me one that would work better on me. It felt really strange. Kind of like a water balloon that is flat on one side and filled with toothpaste. Kind of freaky. This may sound bizarre, but I wonder how much weight I'll "lose" from the mastectomy. It's one heck of a way to lose those last stubborn pounds. The prosthetic fitting should be interesting. Stay tuned.

They mentioned that they have a breast cancer support group that meets at the store. In fact, they have a meeting tomorrow night at 6 p.m. I'm not sure if I'll go or not. There is also a local support group that a friend from church informed me of. They are meeting tonight...I'm missing it. I definitely want to go to these, its just hard with the family, kids, and dinner time to get to things in the evening. But I do want to connect with other women dealing with cancer, especially breast cancer. I've always found the support and knowledge gained from other women who have been in similar situations to be very helpful. So I know I'll end up going. I just don't know if it will be tomorrow.

Decision made

I just got off the phone with my surgeon and told her that I wanted a bilateral mastectomy with a sentinel node biopsy on the right side. A sentinel node biopsy will sample a couple lymph nodes on the right side to make sure that there is no cancer there. The chances that there is any cancer there is VERY slim, since they don't "think" there is cancer on the right side. All of the lymph nodes on the left will come out, since we know there is cancer there.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, there were a lot of factors to consider. I also surveyed as many breast cancer patients and survivors as I could. I did not hear of anyone who had a bilateral mastectomy and regretted it. However, I did hear stories of women who had less invasive surgery and later did regret it. Either because they felt "lopsided" or because the cancer came back on the other side. It required them to either live with the issue (at best), or have more surgery to go back and remove the breast.

For me, a big part of the decision is peace of mind. I am a warrior. I am going to stand up and fight this invasion with overwhelming force. I'm taking away its battleground. Taking the rug right out from underneath it. Game over. (I hope). I'm 40 years old. I have a lot of years ahead of me that it could come back in. I don't want to always worry that it would come back. I now have a 95% risk reduction of developing it on the right side. If it comes back, I'll fight it again. But I want to do everything I can today to fight the definitive fight.

It is going to be very strange to lose body parts. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about losing my breasts. I don't really have a choice for the left side, there are just too many tumors in there. For the reasons mentioned above, I want to deal with both at the same time. Its just going to be very strange to be so flat after 25+ years. And just dealing with the realities of surgery. The incisions, the drains, the pain, the recovery. The down time. That is going to be hard for me to be incapacitated.

They do give you prosthetics that will slip into a camisole. I've seen some survivors refer to them as "foobs." They the shoulders and balance. After you have recovered from surgery, you can get more sophisticated "foobies." Some are even waterproof! Who knew?

I don't know right now if I will choose reconstruction are not. There are lots of options there-some that even give you the added bonus of a tummy tuck. I'm not a candidate for immediate reconstruction. Depending on the size of the tumor, I may need radiation after chemo. I'm glad that isn't a decision that I need to make right now anyway.

The next step is to schedule surgery. I should be able to do that tomorrow. My surgeon told me that my case has the highest priority. The timing is all in God's hands. Of course, now that the decision is made, I want it to happen as soon as possible. Get that cancer the heck out of my body. God will work it out so that all of the balls that are up in the air, (Eric's trip, my menstrual cycle-I don't want to be having my period while recovering from surgery, my soon to be arriving nieces/nephews, kids' birthdays, etc.) will come down in exactly the right place.