Beyond frustrated

My mother in law left this morning. We knew it would be difficult for Jean-Marc. It was, but not as bad as I had feared. It was worse for me. When we got him out of bed, he was asking for "Mamie." We just would say that she was going to be with Papie. ("Mamie" and "Papie" are the kids' names for Eric's parents). It wasn't too bad.

The problem is all with me. I have absolutely zero patience and tolerance for normal two year old right now. I tried today, I really did. But I'm still in pain. My mind is still consumed with cancer. I don't feel like myself physically or mentally.

Mamie loves to indulge the kids, as most grandparents do. When the kids are little like Jean-Marc, we find the first few days pretty rough. We just don't put up with the stuff they get used to. Like toys on the highchair tray. And Jean-Marc had 2 1/2 weeks of having an adult 100% committed to his pleasure his every waking moment. I just can't do it. I tried today, I really did.

Before I knew I had cancer, I had wanted to try potty training. But I know it takes so much commitement from the primary caregiver that I put it on the backburner. While my mother in law was here, she got him on the road to potty training. I didn't ask her to do it, but she was happy to get Jean-Marc going on the potty. She really felt like she was doing me a favor. He was doing great. With her. Not so much for me today. She would sit him on the potty, let him play with his bath toys and even let him play with water. I tried it today after breakfast. He immediately dumped a full cup of water all over my slippered foot. Ugh. We're done with the water. I still had to get ready for church myself, so I couldn't sit there all morning and coddle a poop out of him. Besides, he didn't really eat that large of a breakfast. I tried after lunch too. We stayed there for at least 15 minutes. I brought out every single bath toy. Nothing. Olivier helped me put him down for his nap. After the nap, he woke up, you guessed it....with a poopy diaper. Before dinner he asked for the potty and we went as fast as we could up the stairs with him climbing on his own (I can't carry him). But he had already wet. After dinner, the same thing happened, except this time it was poopy. I cleaned him up and started the bath. While it filled, I tried to get him to sit down and see if he could pee, but he just wanted in the water. Fine. Olivier came and put him in and we did the bath. After the bath, I tried to get him to sit down, but he ran into his room buck naked. Okay, fine. I figured if he had to pee, it probably happened in the tub. Before I could get his pajamas and diaper together, I look at him and he's peeing all over one of his favorite toys! Arrrgh! So frustrating.

I can't help but feel a little irritated for even finding myself on this potty training road. I did not ask for this yet! But here I am, and I feel like I have to keep trying. But I don't have the patience right now. I can't even pick my own kid up to bathe/dress/change him, and I'm supposed to follow through on potty training?

He deserves a better mom right now. I can't even give him the kind of hug I would like. I find myself almost resenting him at times, and that is just so wrong. The older kids are easier, they can entertain themselves. They can understand that I'm going through something hard right now and help out. Jean-Marc is barely two years old and he needs a mom that can take care of him and work with him. I wish I could be that mom right now. I'm frustrated at myself for my own inability. I'm frustrated at my body for still being in pain from surgery. I'm frustrated that as soon as I am going to feel better from surgery, I'm going to be going through chemotherapy and then I'll probably be feeling awful in a multitude of ways. What kind of mom will I be then??

My prayer requests:

• For patience. With everyone and everything. With myself. With my kids. With Eric. With my body. With God for not pulling me out of this pit faster.
• For my body to heal. I'm still in pain. It is tiring. I want to be able to stop taking narcotics, but the most I can go down to is 3 a day. Someone today said that the pain meds make you heal faster. I can take some comfort in that, I guess. But still...I want off of them.
• For Jean-Marc not to feel abandoned and ripped off. I can't help but feel like I'm doing that. Even when I'm physically there, I'm wishing that I wasn't. I'm wishing that I was doing something else, napping, blogging, reading. How awful is that? I love him to pieces, but just can't deal with his normal stuff. I guess this request relates back to the first one.

Not always so rosy

I don't want to sound like this is a breeze, because its definitely not. People keep telling me how good I look. I don't know what to compare it to. I've always been one to put on a brave face and not really show how much things hurt/bother/upset me. Even now. Part of it is the way I deal with things internally. Maybe those close to me could say otherwise, but I don't think I've ever been one to wallow in my own misery and circumstances. When things are bad, I try to look to see what I can do to make it better and then set out on that course.

I've tried to do that with breast cancer. Most days, I think I pull myself out of the "dark side." I'm frustrated at the moment, because there really isn't anything I can "do" to get better right now. My life right now is all about pain management and that stinks.

I can't exercise too much. Mom and I went for a walk around the lake yesterday. It was about 2.25 miles. I was hoping to feel like I got a workout, but it didn't. Moving the muscles can't be bad, but I didn't get that endorphin dump like I used to. Not one drop of sweat. I started my post-op exercises yesterday in earnest. It felt good to feel a slight pull on the muscles in my upper body. But I ended up in a lot of pain yesterday. Did I overdo it with the little bit that I did? Should I take more painkillers? I took a total of 5 yesterday. The maximum dose per day is 12. This may sound silly, but in a way, taking more painkillers feels like taking a step back. But I don't want as much pain as I had yesterday.

I can't hug my kids. This really is hard. The older 2 understand and give me "neck hugs." Jean-Marc is only 2. My mother in law is here to keep him busy. I know he's having fun days. But in the evenings, he's fussy and just wants me. It's hard because that is the time of day when I am tired and in more pain too. I can sit there and watch her bathe him, change him, carry him, etc. But I can't do it myself. How I miss those pudgy hugs! Is he going to get used to not having mom take care of him? He has no idea what is going on. All he knows is that he's not getting the hugs and attention from me that he is used to.

I can't take care of my household. I'm probably like most women in that I am used to taking care of all of the details of the house. You don't really know how many of those there are until you can't do them. You do them without thinking. Right now, I can't lift anything over 5 pounds. I can't drive. That rules out most household activities. It's a mixed blessing. Who wants to do that stuff, anyway? But as things pile up, I can tell the tension pile up in the house as well. Eric and his mom are here to do stuff, but they don't do it like I would. I just have to bite my tongue and be grateful that things are approaching getting done at all. But then there are times (like now) when I think Eric resents it too. It's not my fault! Hey-if I could do it right, I would. I ask him what is wrong, and he says "nothing" but I know that's not true. Whatever. I don't have the energy to figure out what is being said between very few lines.

As I read this over, I'm a little disgusted with myself. It sounds like a one-woman pity party. But that is where I am this morning.

My prayer requests:

• That I be content with what I have and where I am.
• That my body continue to heal. Specifically, that the fluid that would have been going to the drains disperse in my body without building up. That the pain subside. I'm so tired of popping pain pills.
• That the kids have a fun day.