Fellowship of pain

The light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter and brighter.

There has been a new face lately at the radiation office, a Mexican lady who is brought every morning by her husband. I saw her in the back several days ago, dressed in the gown they give us. I assumed that it was breast cancer, since she had to change like I did. We've exchanged smiles and nods, but not much else. Yesterday, I was in the room of the radiation oncologist's office waiting to be called in for my session.  Her husband was there, getting some coffee.  For those who have known me a long time, especially family members, you know that slurping and chewing sounds have always driven me crazy. This man is a coffee slurper. Knowing that, I have tried to "beat" them by getting in before them. But yesterday, I was too late. When I walked in, he was getting the hot coffee. I mentally geared up for annoyance. I got out my iPhone and was going to check into Facebook to give myself something else to focus on.

He started to talk to me, asking questions about my treatment. His English wasn't great, and he had a pretty thick accent. But living here in Southern California and taking 3 years of Spanish, I understood him. I could see the worry on his face as we talked. I felt like such a heel for being so ungracious, even if it was in my own head. His wife was going through 33 radiation treatments as well. She had a lumpectomy. I don't know if she had chemo, he said "yes" when I asked him, but she has hair. But that could be a wig.  Anyway, he just shook his head, saying, "It's hard...worry...."

At that point, another patient came in. A tall man, probably in his late 50's or so. He was bald. He checked in and sat down. He was really friendly and mentioned that he had forgotten his hat. As it turns out, it was his first full day bald. His hair was falling out, so he had his daughter shave it off the day before.  I told him that I did the same thing too. It was too traumatic waiting for it to come out on its own, and besides, it was a mess.  I told him my hair was starting to come back in and pulled my scarf off a few inches. He was impressed. Then we joked about the "perks" of not having hair. I told him how my nose always drips because I don't have nose hair. He lamented about not being able to do his "comb over" any more. We had a good chuckle.  As I got called in, he said, "You've got to laugh, you know?" Ain't it the truth. If you didn't, you would just want to cry.

The scar session was interesting. It looks like they have customized a plate for the linear accelerator that is the outline of my scar that they did a couple weeks ago. They got everything in place and then had one of the doctors come in and make sure it was good to go. Then everyone left the room and I waited. And waited. And waited. I wondered if it would make the buzzing sound like it did before. After several minutes, the buzzing started and it was over. The tech said it took a bit longer because they were making sure everything was done right. That is fine with me. Do it right, folks!

My burns are turning really nasty. The first blister has popped and is peeling. When I took of the Mepilex pad today, there were bits of dead skin on it. Gross! I didn't want to put on my new one until I came home from the gym, so I found the cleanest spot and stuck it back on. I also have some burning on my upper back that I noticed for the first time today.

The bright spot was that I was still able to go to the gym and have a great workout. I beat my 5k time by about 45 seconds and felt like I was kicking cancer's butt every step of the way!  It is a beautiful and sunny day here in San Diego, so I also spent some time outside in a tank top to soak up some Vitamin D.

My prayer requests:

• That my burn wounds heal without incident. I don't want to get any infections or have any complications. Let them heal and the recovery can begin!
• That my lymphedema stays under control.

Spa Day

One of the things I wanted to do before surgery was get a massage. Yesterday, I met my best friend Kelly at Glen Ivy for a spa day. I met Kelly at Alvarado Intermediate school in the 7th grade. We were in Mrs. King's social studies class. Kelly sat next to me and my earliest memories of Kelly were of me always borrowing paper from her. I wonder why I never had my own? Anyway, we became best friends quickly. I remember in Jr. High I would get teased for being short, and she would get teased for being from New Jersey. Aren't middle school aged kids great? In 8th grade, some would refer to us as "the Siamese twins" because we were always together. It was the same for much of high school as well.

As we got older, life took us in different directions. There have been some years where we never saw each other at all. But when we do, it is like time stood still and we are still the same silly teenage girls that we were in the 80's. No one can make me laugh with a look like Kelly does. It's fabulous!

Kelly lives up in Los Angeles, so its about an hour for each of us to get to Corona, where Glen Ivy is. She wasn't able to get there early in the morning, so I decided to book a massage for myself in that time before she could get there. I was hoping to get an 80 minute one, but they didn't have any available in the morning. So I went for the 50 minute and got "upgraded" with some Temescal stone therapy.

Going in, I knew they were going to give me a health questionnaire. There was one time years ago when I was only a few weeks pregnant that my masseuse said I couldn't get a massage that early in the pregnancy. I was so disappointed! I did NOT want to have that happen to me again. I really was looking forward to this massage. So I was a bit anxious to see if the health questionnaire would ask about cancer. When I glanced at it, my heart sank. Sure enough, on the list of conditions was cancer. If you checked any of the boxes on the list, there was space to "explain." I sat there staring at the box. Should I just not mention it? I know that lying is a sin. But I really wanted that massage. I filled out the rest of the form and then came back to that part. I decided to be honest. In the explanation box, I wrote, "breast cancer. Treatment not started. No medications." I turned it in and prayed that it wouldn't make it so I couldn't have the massage. I thought to myself....I'm a lawyer. I can ask for a supervisor. I can sign whatever release of liability they have. I asked my doctor last week if I could have a massage. She didn't say no. So who are they to say no? I was gearing up for a fight!

The masseuse came out and took me into a room. She looked at the form and didn't say anything. Thank you Jesus! She asked me if there were any areas to avoid. I told her to avoid the lymph nodes on the left side. She nodded sympathetically. Then she got on with the massage. It was great. It had been awhile since I had one. I asked her to push hard, and boy did she. Almost to the point of pain. But I kind of like that in a massage. It feels like things are being broken down, you know? The rocks were amazing. Totally worth the $15 upgrade!

After the massage, I had about an hour to kill. They announced a yoga class on the front lawn. What the heck, I thought. This is my day off of exercise, maybe I can get a little exercise as "extra credit?" It was a pretty mellow session. The instructor was a skinny guy with a beard. Looked like he was right out of Woodstock. As he walked out, one of the women said, "He looks like a yoga teacher." As we did some of the poses, he would talk about the physical benefits of each one. At one point, he had us lightly tapping our upper chest. He said a chiropractor friend of his taught him that. It stimulates some gland that deals with the immune system. He said if you do it for 5 minutes a day, it can help you get over sickness. He said it got him over strep throat. Something to file away for chemo time. It can't hurt. I may look a little silly. But it can't hurt!

Kelly got stuck in traffic, so she still wasn't there by the time the yoga was finished. But as luck would have it, they announced an aqua aerobics class in the lap pool. That pool just happens to be next to the check in, so I could do that while keeping an eye on the door for Kelly. It felt a little silly, but the guy was playing 80's tunes. Besides, the water felt good on such a hot day. It was around 100 degrees.

When Kelly got there, we got in line for lunch. We had to wait awhile because it was so busy. But that was no matter--we still could talk! Kelly asked from the beginning what I wanted our day together to be about. Did I want to talk about the cancer? Or not? Or whatever else. She was totally there for whatever I needed. I definitely don't mind talking about it. In fact, I think I need to. I might as well, since that is pretty much the only thing on my mind!

We had a wonderful time over the afternoon. Not only did we talk about cancer, but our families, her work, our lives, even recalling some of the funny stuff from our past. One funny thing happened when we went to do Club Mud. It is basically a shallow pool, about thigh deep with warm water. In the middle is a pedestal with a big mountain of mud clay. You get in and rub the clay all over yourself, get out and let it dry. When you rinse off your skin is really soft. We were in the pool, wading over right next to the pedestal when my foot nudged something squishy on the bottom. Ick! It felt like a, well...it felt like I stepped in a pile of poop! I gasped because I didn't make the connection that it was just a pile of mud that had fallen off the pedestal. It probably doesn't strike anyone else as funny. But the ridiculousness of it made me giggle. Kelly had no idea why I was giggling. When I tried to tell her why, it just made me laugh all the more. Goofy, huh? It was good.

Of course, it all ended way too soon. The spa closed at 6:30 p.m., and when I looked at my watch it was 5:30. We still had to shower, change, and with the 1 hour drive home, I would barely make it home for dinner. It was hard to say goodbye, but I am so glad that we were able to carve out the time to have a fun day before my treatment started.

Eric was an absolute prince to take care of the kids all day. He shuttled Isabelle to her riding lesson, picked up Olivier from his boy scout camp, and took Jean-Marc to a remote control airplane park in between. Took them to lunch at Rubio's, got Jean-Marc down for his nap, and had dinner ready when I got home. And he didn't complain or huff about any of it. When I called to tell him I was on my way, the main thing he wanted to know was: "Did you have a fun time?" It was a total act of love on his part, one that I will never forget.