The day has arrived, almost

It is the day before my surgery. I'm glad this day has finally arrived. I remember blogging about what an eternity 3 weeks was going to be. I some ways, it was. But I had to accept it and use the time as best I could.

So where is my head at today? It is hard to describe. It's a mixture of many things, some of which shouldn't really go together: anxiety/anxiousness; dread; relief; stoicism; sentimentalism...I could go on.

I did a few more "lasts" today. My last workout at the gym. I met my mom there and we did a good 90 minutes of cardio. Mom doesn't like to sweat, but we did today! I did some sprints on the treadmill that were awesome. I got to that point where it felt like I could run forever. But every footfall I couldn't help but think, "When will I be able to do this again?" We finished it off with about 20 minutes on the recumbent stationary bike. That was easy. I'm thinking that, along with walks, will be a way for me to ease into exercise again. I know I shouldn't push it, but it is going to be very difficult to go "cold turkey." Who knows? Maybe I'll be in such pain after the surgery that I won't notice?

There are still so many unknowns. That also is a hard thing. How long will I have to wait in pre-op tomorrow? I don't want to wait for hours in a hospital gown waiting for my turn. I check in at 9:00 am. I want to go in and get it over with. We aren't sure of how "bad" it is, although we know it is in at least one of the lymph nodes. That's bad. But is it in all of them? Will radiation be necessary after chemo? I just don't know. How much pain will I have after the surgery? Pam, the volunteer from the American Cancer Society, warned me that it would be painful to wipe after going to the bathroom. Lovely. Will I be able to sleep? Another warning was that its hard to lie flat on your back. And turning on my sides will be out of the question. I have a wedge pillow, and the ACS was going to be sending me more.

I'm trying to get loose ends wrapped up today. I'm doing as much laundry as I can. I'm changing the sheets on my bed so I come home to a clean bed. I need to pack for my overnight hospital stay. That is weird too. I'm just going to wear down what I plan to come home in. So button up shirts, here I come. Here's another strange thing: I won't need the bra I wear tomorrow again. I might as well toss it into the trash at the hospital. For that matter, I won't need any of my bras. When I do heal, I'll be getting mastectomy bras to put prosthetic "foobs" into.

My mother in law arrived from France last night. I am thankful to have her here. She told me this morning that she is basically at our service. She will take care of the kids, especially Jean-Marc. She also is an ironing maniac, so I've been saving Eric's shirts for her. She's actually standing behind me ironing them right now! It will be nice for Eric to have his mom here to talk with for him. He's had a hard time too. Sometimes I think partners of cancer patients need their own support groups so they don't burden the person with cancer with their issues. With the kids occupied, my mom can focus on helping me more.

We are going to order Fish House Vera Cruz for dinner tonight to take home. I was going to cook, but when she made the offer, I thought, why not? I want to have a good meal tonight because I probably won't be able to eat much tomorrow, even after surgery. Another unknown.

I've been getting many comforting messages on my Facebook page. Thank you all for your prayers and support. I also appreciate the help with meals. It helps to know there is one less factor in the equation to cover. It is a blessing.

My prayer requests today:

• That we all be able to sleep tonight. I've actually been getting about 6-7 hours each night for the past few nights. I think that is one thing that has helped me not to completely be a wreck. I saw a nurse friend today who just learned of my diagnosis. She told me that in her jargon, I seemed very well "psycho-socially adjusted" to my situation. That is the result of God's grace, not anything from me. I know there are so many out there praying for me, and sleep has been a big issue for me. Eric and our parents need their sleep tonight as well.
• That I would be able to get in quickly tomorrow without undue delay in pre-op.
• That the surgery go well. That nerve damage be minimal. There will be some permanent damage on the left side. I also pray that the surgeon does not need to remove any muscle. If there is cancer there, she will. But hopefully that won't be the case. Pray that the cancer is maintained in a small area.
• That my body tolerate the surgery well without complication. A friend of mine suggested I take the homeopathic remedy arnica montana 30x. I've been doing that for the past few day and am going to keep it up. She had a mastectomy 8 weeks ago and she said it helped keep the swelling down for her.
• That the kids not have too much fear and anxiety. Isabelle brought the surgery up today at lunch. She's been extra clingy. Pray that they feel the comfort that only the Lord can provide.

I don't know if I'll have time to post again before I go. If something comes to mind that I want recorded, I will. Otherwise, I'll post again on the other side.

Blessings to you all.

11 days to go...

11 days until my surgery. Not that I'm counting or anything. Yeah, right.

Yesterday was Jean-Marc's 2nd birthday. We had a nice little family get together at our house with my parents. I posted my birthstory and birth slide show on my Facebook page. As I re-watched the video, I couldn't help but notice and think about...you guessed it. My breasts. According to one of the books I have on breast cancer, it takes years for tumors to grow to the point where you can feel it. So I had to have had it while pregnant with Jean-Marc. In fact, it is a good possibility that the hormonal surges associated with the pregnancy and birth may have made it grow. Who knows? It doesn't really matter at this point.

Tomorrow is a big day. I have an appointment with Judy, the nurse coordinator at 9:30 a.m. She is going to talk to me about post-surgical stuff. I'm going to be getting one or two post-surgical camisoles to wear while recovering from surgery. She'll probably also introduce me to the prosthesis as well. At 11:15, I have a pre-op appointment with my surgeon. Then at 6:30 p.m. I have a consultation with a plastic surgeon to see what my options will be in the future for reconstruction, if I choose it. In between, I have to return my original mammogram films to Kaiser and get my blood drawn for the BRCA genetic testing. Eric and I are going to make a day of it. My mom is going to keep the kids all day and overnight. Hopefully we'll find something pleasant to do in the hours in between the appointments. It will be a full day, and keeping busy will kill another day. Soon I'll be down to single digit days.

I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for the immediate post-op. I've been looking at pictures of other women who have been through double mastectomies. At first glance, it is like a punch in the stomach. Especially when I try to envision those scars on me. Two scars on top for my breasts and one below from my cesarean. Battle scars all three, without a doubt. I overcame the cesarean scar. I will overcome these new ones as well. On a bright note, seeing pictures of the same women later in time is encouraging. The scars on the outside fade. It's amazing what plastic surgeons can do to re-create the areola.

It's too bad, but sometimes it takes an intense event to "feel" God. Even though He is always there, when times are good I tend to take Him for granted. Sometimes days would go by when I didn't pick up my bible or pray. I definitely felt His presence during Jean-Marc's birth. During the few weeks since my diagnosis, I've again tangibly felt His presence with me. I'm so grateful that I know Him and can see the times when a comforting word spoken by someone, or a verse recalled isn't coincidence but GOD reaching out to me to get me through this. I want to thank all of you who have been praying for me and supporting me. God is working through you and it is amazing to see the body of Christ coming together in such a beautiful way. It's humbling.

My prayer requests today are:

• That the cancer does not spread further before surgery.
• That I not go crazy waiting for the next 11 days.
• That I can sleep through the night. I actually made it to 6 a.m. yesterday. Today, I was back to 4:30 a.m., but was able to kind of doze until 6. I wouldn't call it sleep though.
• That I be able to be less selfish in this journey. I think I've neglected Eric. He's going through his own set of stuff related to this. I need to be a better wife. Sometimes his crankiness though gets me even more upset. Hey....I'm the one with cancer here! But that is my fleshly, selfish reaction.
• That Olivier has a fun time at boy scout camp. He's leaving this morning until the 17th. I hope he can just let loose and have a great time, not worry about me or be too homesick. A little is okay, though. :-)