Stumbling out of the ditch

Round three, day five.  I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.

Yesterday I felt tired and like I was in a fog.  But I wasn't as tired as I was last round-I think taking it easy on Sunday afternoon helped a lot.  What I do lose is my patience.  It's gone right now and isn't in sight yet.  I'm embarrassed to admit a few outbursts on my part over the past few days.  Not very loving of me.

If it was just about taking care of myself and riding out the chemo train, it would be much easier.  But dealing with a 2 year old with opinions, demands, and endless contradictions (up/down, yes/no), is what is hard.  Thankfully, mom has been here for the past 2 days and its been wonderful.  I think a 2 year old can drive the healthiest mom nuts at times.  Throw chemo in the mix, and it is a bigger challenge.  I thank God for the grace He has given me to hold it together as well as I have.  I'd be a mess otherwise.

I started my Cipro week this morning.  As I took the first pill, I noticed the label warned that it may cause dizziness.  Ah-ha!  I remembered last round on Tuesday (the day I start the Cipro) being dizzy at the gym.  An hour or so later when I was walking the dog I had a few moments of light-headedness.  I realize now that it is from the Cipro and to be aware of it, especially on the day that I start the medication and my body is getting used to it.

Another byproduct of the chemo, at least this first week is what I call "chemo brain."  I've had "placenta brain" and "milk brain" before when I was pregnant and nursing.  Now I get to live with chemo brain.  Its a little bit of a fog.  I also have trouble making decisions or problem solving.  My friends asked me this morning how old I would be when Jean-Marc was in 4th grade.  It would take some serious mental power to figure that out right now, maybe even a pen and paper!  Just let me go with the flow, please.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total waste of brainpower.  I just don't want to expend the mental energy if its not really that important.

I have managed to keep moving, physically since chemo.  I was going to let it slide yesterday.  It was rainy and dark in the morning.  After dropping Isabelle off at school, I realized that if I didn't get some endorphins flowing, I was going to be depressed.  With the grey weather, being tired and feeling kind of yucky, being depressed would have really made the day a bleak one.  I did a 30 minute cardio workout on Exercise TV. It was just enough to break a sweat and get the blood flowing.  This morning, I went for a walk with my friends and we even did the "big" hill.

Keeping moving is key for me.  I think that is a big factor in my treatment. There are studies that show exercise can reduce fatigue in chemotherapy.  But even beyond that, it is a mental thing for me.  If I can keep exercising, I am "strong."  If I get to the point where I'm not exercising, I'm wimping out and letting the cancer win.  Not if I can help it!  I do less-intense workouts at the beginning of the chemo cycle.  By the third week, I hope I am back in "normal" shape and ready to ride the cycle again.  Last round, I was doing my Jillian DVD a week after chemo.  We'll see if I can get there this time.  No pressure!

My prayer requests:

• That I continue to pull out of the chemo ditch.  That every day get better in terms of my energy level, patience and overall mood. 
• That I do not suffer from new side effects.  That the ones I do have (a little heartburn, chemo brain, metallic mouth) be manageable.
• That I do not develop lymphedema in my left arm.  I've been doing my manual drainage massage each day to stay on top of it.  It will be a lifelong issue. 

Mad hatter

I wore a hat all day today for the first time.

I've always liked the look of hats, but been too chicken to really wear one myself. Women who wore hats seemed to have a particular flair and sophistication. Something that I never felt I could pull off. I don't have a whole lot of choice now. This cancer thing is pushing me into zones I wasn't comfortable in before.

Another issue with hats is that there is no hairline. It can look weird (there is that word again) to have a hat perched on a hairline-less head. I've purchased a few wide headbands that I could wear to conceal that and create a line. Today, I just put the hat on my head and was done with it. It felt okay. I wore makeup and earrings which helped the confidence factor. Something about lipstick, you know?

Physically, things are going great. As predicted, I was pretty sore from the pilates on Monday. I have Exercise TV on my cable's On Demand system. There are dozens of exercise modes with hundreds of workouts to choose from. Today I did a 20 minute pilates just to get a little exercise in there. I'm going to try and do pilates 3 times a week on top of the cardio I do pretty much every day.

My taste buds are pretty much back to normal as well. That metallic taste has faded. Funny, that taste doesn't seem to make me want to eat less! I'm learning to load up on veggies and legumes and consider meat as a side dish, if anything. I wrote yesterday about how much I'm coming to appreciate cabbage. I could also devote a whole post to beans! And no, they do not give me gas. (TMI? Maybe, but that is the first thing that people mention when I rave about my new found love of beans!)

I had a funny conversation with a friend of mine, a guy friend. We were at the elementary school and a mom walked by with purple highlights in her hair...in a shade that matched her shirt. I commented that her hair matched her shirt. I also noted that I notice two things a lot lately on other people...hair and boobs. A few seconds went by and he said, "Now you know how its been with me all this time." Too funny! But its true. I can't help but notice this on other women. Okay, gals...don't feel self conscious next time you see me. I really won't be looking at your chest, I swear! I talked with another survivor who would go up to women and actually ask them their bra size as she was considering her reconstruction options. It's funny how you lose the shyness about it when you are so focused on it medically.

So I'm just living life until my next round of chemo, which is October 1st. (A week from Friday.) What a way to kick off breast cancer awareness month, eh? Speaking of that, I got a really cool travel mug today at Supercuts of all places. It's black with 4 or 5 rows of rhinestones at the top. It says "Fight Like a Girl" with pink boxing gloves on it. I couldn't pass it up. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff right now. Maybe I'll get sick of it. But for now, I'm digging it. It's my first BCA month being "in the club" that I never thought I would be in. I think back to last October when I was looking at my40th birthday. How life can change in 12 months! I wonder what life will look like in October 2011?

In sickness & in health

Today is my fourteenth wedding anniversary. Eric and I are getting to live out the vows, "in sickness and in health." Although, like I've said before, I don't FEEL sick. Not really.

I was pretty tired yesterday. It was like I was in a fog all day. When I would sit down, I just wouldn't want to get back up. I did manage to take a walk with friends in the morning, but it definitely was physically more challenging than it usually is, and we didn't even do the "big" hill. At least I got some exercise. Next round I need to take it easy on Sunday. I did way too much this time and didn't rest at all. I paid for it yesterday. Being fatigued like that brought me down emotionally as well. I couldn't help but feel a bit blue all day.

The challenging part of days like yesterday is dealing with Jean-Marc in the mid to late morning. When we got home from the walk, I had hoped to be able to put on a "Thomas the Tank Engine" DVD and lay down while he watched. (I know, I know...electronic babysitter....bad mom. Whatever.) It wasn't that easy. He is just always moving, bouncing, and climbing on me. One day last week, he even head-butted me while I was sitting there. So its not exactly easy to rest while you are in defense mode. I was able to get him to a nap around 12:30 p.m. and lay down for an hour before I had to go pick up Olivier and his carpool buddy from the middle school. Man, that hour went by fast.

A bright spot yesterday came with the mail when I received a surprise package from an ICAN friend. It was a pretty pink necklace with a handcrafted card that said "Fight Like a Girl." So sweet. A friend also brought dinner, which was wonderful as well. I'm blessed to have such people in my life. God is good to me and shows it through the kindness of friends and family.

Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep last night was very welcome.

Today is a new day. I started my 7 day Cipro regimen to ward off infections as my white blood cell count goes down. I've had the metallic taste in my mouth for a day or so. A little slice of lemon in water helps with that a lot. This morning, I feel latent sores in my mouth. Not really sores yet, but areas of sensitivity that could develop into them. I'll wash with baking soda/salt and hopefully that will keep it at bay. My energy level seems a little better than yesterday. This morning, I did a 30 minute cardio workout on Exercise TV. Its a low impact workout, but I amped it up a bit by jumping the moves. I broke a sweat, got the endorphins flowing and it felt great.

Eric and I are going to celebrate our anniversary by going to lunch today. I'm going to debut the wig. I actually have it on right now just to get the feel for it. It's a bit itchy, but that may have to do with the fact that not all my hair is gone yet. My head is itching all the time and there are little bumps on my scalp. I hope that is just from the hair falling out process. It looks pretty nasty with the bumps--no glamorous bald chick here. At least not yet!

My prayer requests:

• That the worst part of this round of chemo is over. That my energy level increases each day, that the side effects don't get worse. That I can just go on and live life without having it revolve around cancer therapy.
• That as my white blood cell counts go down that I do not get sick from some other infection. Pray that my immune system be able to rally as much as possible. That the kids stay healthy at school and don't bring any bugs home with them.
• That I do not fall prey to the spiritual attacks of the enemy. Being beaten down physically is one of his ways of attacking us. I started to succumb to it yesterday. Praise God for a night of rest and new mercies this morning! But it is a daily battle-minute by minute.
• That the chemotherapy do what it is supposed to do-kill those bad cells!

96 hours and counting

At noon today, it was 96 hours post-first round chemo. That is notable because it means I start taking Cipro for a week to ward off any infection.

So far, so good. I was able to sleep all night without the use of any medication, thank God. I was having some heartburn in the night, but as long as I slept on an incline pillow, I was okay. I noticed some tenderness on my head, but that could be paranoia about the hair loss that is to come. I've also noticed a change in my taste buds. It is kind of metallic, but not too bad. It's not hurting my appetite!

This morning, the kids and I kept busy. I made Jillian's French toast for Jean-Marc and myself. I'll admit, its one of my favorite Jillian breakfast recipes, so I'm going against the advice of some who say to avoid your favorite foods while on chemo. Afterwards, I went up to my room for some exercise. I'm a little worried about germs, so I decided to try to work out at home with Exercise TV rather than going to the gym. Besides, Jean-Marc hasn't been enjoying the Kid's Club lately, and keeping him at home would save 2 bucks! I did a modified version of Jillian's "Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism" that they have on the Exercise TV channel. I have to watch the bouncing, so I modified some of that. (Although I will admit I did do a little bit of high impact.) I also couldn't do any of the plank exercises like mountain climbers or traveling planks. I just would substitute some cardio kick box moves at that time. The workout was only about 25 minutes, so I got out my step and did my own version of low impact step aerobics for another 20 minutes or so. The great thing was that I got really sweaty and loved every second of it!

We ran some errands before lunch, going to the library, and trying to find Olivier some new shoes for school. It got us out of the house and it was good to be doing something normal. I think we are pretty much set for school now. I also scored a pair of shoes for myself. They are some of those toning shoes that supposedly give you exercise just by walking around in them. They aren't tennis style, though. More like sandals. Heck, it was buy one pair, get the second 1/2 off. How could I resist? Besides, my black sandals were pretty ragged.

Tonight I'm going to go with Olivier to his scout meeting. They are having a parent meeting about the annual popcorn fundraiser sales. I haven't been to a scout meeting for a couple months! I've been so blessed to have friends who have been willing to shuttle my son to the meetings! My mom is going to come over and hang out with Jean-Marc and Isabelle while I'm gone. Another blessing!

My prayer requests:

• That the Cipro do its job and I don't get any infections. Also, that I don't suffer any common infections as a result of taking the heavy duty antibiotic. You ladies know what I mean. :-)
• That I be able to rest tonight.
• That the kids and I be able to enjoy the last days of their summer vacation.
• That the chemo drugs be effective against any cancer cells in my body.

Getting physical

One week until chemo!

I noticed a strange thing under my left arm the other day while blow drying my hair. (No, its not a lump!) It is like a tight cord under my skin. I don't have it on my right side. It must have something to do with the lymph nodes having been taken out.

I have my first physical therapy appointment on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to talking with this person and finding out more about what my body can (and cannot) do. When I stretch my arms up to the ceiling, it feels like the left side is shorter, and that cord under my arm really pops out. I'm also looking forward to learning about self-massages that I can do to aid my body in lymph draining so I do not develop lymphedema.

I love getting massages. I always have. Really deep and hard ones. So much so that it sometimes hurts, you know? I don't know when I'll be able to have another one. At this point, it would just hurt on my arms and upper chest. But I don't know if the deep tissue massages are good for me now that my lymph system is compromised. I stumbled onto the concept of "oncology massage." I think I read about it in a comment to someone's blog yesterday. Anyway, there is a Society for Oncologic Massage. I browsed their lists of therapists and found one that nearby in Carlsbad. Of course, I'll ask my doctor first. But it would be nice to get a massage at some point. My friend who went through chemo not too long ago said her massage therapist would not do a massage while she was in chemo. Maybe there are special techniques that are okay?

This is a pre-op picture of me being silly. I had just worked out and was high on endorphins. That's my excuse for it. I kept it to remind myself of what I could do "before." If my body totally gets out of shape, I'll look at it to know I can get back again.

Mom and I continued our workout regimen this week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday we go to the gym and do a solid hour of cardio. I have a heart rate monitor that I like to wear to make sure I'm not slacking off. I try to get to a 400 calorie burn in an hour. For me, that is one intense hour at about 80-85% of my target heart rate. Then we stretch. The last two times, I've been able to do some lower ab work as well. As long as it doesn't pull on my chest, its okay. I have to be really careful

about form, which means...no cheating! On Tuesdays and Thursdays we walk. This week with my mother in law gone, we've taken all 3 kids to Discovery Lake and get them moving as well. They have the option of biking or walking. Jean-Marc has no choice-he's stroller bound! Walking alone gets kind of boring, and my heart rate doesn't get up much past 100. So yesterday we stopped at benches that are situated around the lake and did some intervals by stepping up onto them. I would do a minute on each leg, per bench. Nice!

I am pretty determined to keep exercising during chemo. Its one of those "things" that I'm focusing on to help get me through this. I've read that the effects are cumulative. For those who have gone before me in this...is that your experience? I know during week 2, my white blood cell counts will dip and I will have to be careful about exposure to germs and stuff. I'm wondering if that means no gym? Maybe I'll have to start to browse the Exercise TV listings to see if there are programs I can do at home. I wish I could use handweights. That will be one of the questions for the physical therapist next week. I'm doing the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5k on October 17th. That will be right before round #3. Of course, I know there is always walking. I live in a pretty hilly area and could probably get a good burn on with a power walk. I don't usually do those since the trails are unpaved and I usually have to push Jean-Marc in the stroller. Although by the end of this, there will probably be some days that walking down the street to the mailbox will be a triumph.

All of these ramblings aside, I know it will work out. (No pun intended!) I just have time to think right now and try to strategize my approach. Maybe I have too much time on my hands!

My prayer requests today:

• That any floating cancer cells in my body are responsive to chemotherapy. This isn't a given. One advantage of doing chemo before surgery (which I opted not to do), would have been to know that the cancer was or wasn't responsive to chemo. Now I'm in the dark and have to just trust that it will work. I started thinking about this over the past couple of days.
• That my body continue to heal from surgery.
• That the sunburn pain feeling goes away. I'm pretty sure that I'm off the hydrocodone for good. I've only taken Advil over the past 3 days, and I'm not always on that.
• That I sleep tonight. The last 2 nights, I've not been able to get back to sleep after waking up in the night. I guess that is the downside of not being on a narcotic!
• That I accept my changing hairstyle(s). And lack of hair. I really don't like my hair right now anyway. But the thought of being bald is on my mind still.