Relatively drug free for a week

I finished my Cipro yesterday.  That means I don't have to take any prescription drugs until next Thursday, the day before chemo round number 4.  Then I'll start the steroid in anticipation of the heavy stuff the next day.  Other than the cytoxan and taxotere that may still be in my system from chemo 12 days ago, I'm drug free!

I've never been one to take medicine much.  Not even for headaches.  I'd usually just drink a glass of water and ignore it.  I'm more than making up for it now.

One thing I've been considering is supplementing Vitamin D.  There have been studies linking low levels of Vitamin D to breast cancer.  Eric even showed me one study that indicated that supplementing Vitamin D may even help the effectiveness of chemotherapy.  In that study, they even mentioned cytoxan as being assisted by it. I e-mailed Dr. P to see if he would order a Vitamin D test to see if I have a deficiency. I was interested overall in hearing his opinion on Vitamin D and breast cancer.  He ordered the test, but didn't say anything other than it would be okay to supplement 1,000-2,000 IU.  Typical Dr. P--he doesn't spare many words.  I think I'll get the blood test this week. I want to see what my levels are before I start supplementing.  

I'm wearing my compression sleeve and gauntlet for the first time today.  It is kind of hard to get on, but once its on it is okay.  The manufacturer suggests you use a rubber cleaning glove on your other hand to help ease it on and I now see why.  Otherwise, you end up pinching the skin on your arm.  The gauntlet is like a fingerless glove.  I have to take it off a lot because of having to wash my hands, cook, etc.  I'll try to wear these garments for about 10 hours a day as my physical therapist suggested.  I want to do all I can to avoid swelling in the first place. It's hard to imagine that this is something that I will have to be mindful of for the rest of my life.  Breast cancer is the gift that keeps on giving.  Sigh.

As an attorney, I am used to citing "authority" for any assertion or statements made.  This morning, I found some confirmation in the ultimate authority...God's Word.  I've been saying all along that God has been strengthening me, sustaining me, and giving me the physical ability to fight this battle against breast cancer.  Check this out:

• For by You, I can run against a troop, by my God, I can leap over a wall.  (Psalm 18:29)
• It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect.  He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on my high places. He teaches my hands to make war, So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze (Psalm 18:32-34)
• For You have armed me with strength for the battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me. You have also given me the necks of my enemies, so that I have destroyed those who hated me. (Psalm 18:39-40)

There it is!  The Lord is my Rock! Therefore, I will give thanks to the Lord! (v. 49).  Blessed be the name of the Lord, and may you have a blessed day! 

Midpoint

I am in the middle of this round of chemotherapy.  I am exactly half way through my chemo course of treatment.  Its hard to believe in some ways.  But in others, it seems to have taken a long time.  It is strange how the passage of time can seem so different. I just pray that the second half of chemo go as smoothly as the first half did. I have more energy and wellness than I ever imagined I would have, and I realize that it is truly a gift from God.  It is definitely supernatural, and not a product of anything from within me.

I had another physical therapy appointment today.  The good news is that my left arm has not gotten any bigger. That is an answer to prayer.  The bad news is that I wasn't doing the lymphatic massage quite correctly.  I need to knead the flesh rather than sliding my hand.  No harm done.  At least I've gotten into a routine with it.  Another recommendation the therapist made was to wear the compression sleeve and gauntlet several hours a day.  Not only to get used to it, but to make sure my arm doesn't get bigger.  If I wait to wear it until my arm gets bigger, I may not be able to get the sleeve on.  It is really tight, like tight thick pantyhose .  She especially wants me to wear it when I am going through radiation, since that is another risk factor for swelling.  I also should take measurements of my hand, wrist and arm a few times a week to monitor any swelling.  She said it is common for women to swell in the tricep area and not notice it for a long time, since you can't see your tricep as easily as you can the rest of your arm.

I still have that cording under my left arm.  She worked a bit on it, which hurt a little.  I just did the deep breathing like I did when I was in labor.  At least the cording has not limited my range of motion.  I've been very conscientious to stretch my arm and shoulder since my surgery in July.  It paid off.

I have been so blessed by everyone praying for me and supporting me. I have gone through a little bit of dry spell in my own devotional life, however. I had not been in the Word as I had before.  My prayers were on the run and not really focused.  With the kids starting school and needing to be out the door by 7:30 a.m. three days a week, it was easy to let it slide. A few days turned into a week, and I realized that the only time I was opening my Bible was on Sunday at church! It is wonderful to have everyone out there praying for me.  But I need to draw close to the Lord myself as well.  I feel like a bad kid.  Its not that God requires me to do read the Bible or pray to win His favor.  He is blessing my socks of whether I do it or not.  It's not based upon what I do (or don't do), but that is His nature.  It is more of my response to His blessing-I want to feel close to Him, and I had not been doing anything to draw near.

In church yesterday during worship I definitely got a tap on the shoulder from the Lord telling me to "Read My Word."  (His Word, the Bible, that is).   So this morning before the kids got up I enjoyed some time in the Psalms. Unless the Lord directs me elsewhere, I am just going to go through the Psalms and meditate upon them.  Here is one that really spoke to me this morning.  The italics are my own application:

 ¹ Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
         You have relieved me in my distress;
         Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.


I certainly need His mercy and for Him to hear my prayers.
       
 ² How long, O you sons of men,
         Will you turn my glory to shame?
         How long will you love worthlessness
         And seek falsehood?  Selah
 ³ But know that the LORD has set apart for Himself him who is godly;
         The LORD will hear when I call to Him.


The fervent prayers of the righteous man availeth much. (James 5:16)  I know that the Lord hears my prayers, not because I am so godly and righteous, but because I am covered with Christ's salvation. It is truly amazing that we have the ability to come before the God of creation with our cares and concerns.  What is man that You are mindful of him??  It boggles my mind!
      
 ⁴ Be angry, and do not sin.
         Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.  Selah  
I happened to be reading and meditating on this verse while still cozy in bed. 

 ⁵ Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
         And put your trust in the LORD.

This trial has definitely made me walk the walk when it comes to trusting in the Lord.  It is so easy to give it lip service, but when you are faced with something like cancer, it can put your faith to the test. 
     
 ⁶ There are many who say,
         “Who will show us any good?”
         LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
 ⁷ You have put gladness in my heart,
         More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.


I know that my positive attitude is another gift from the Lord. I should be freaking out, but I have a peace that passes understanding. 


 ⁸ I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
         For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4, New King James Version)

I had just enjoyed the first night of continuous sleep in several days.  Another gift!

After having started the day in the Word and in prayer, confessing my sins to the Lord, the day has been great.  I had a good power walk with my friends, found a new friend at my kids' school who is a sister in Christ, and just overall have had more patience and love in my heart.  I want to start every day the way I did this one.

My prayer requests:

• That I continue to be able to grow in my personal devotional life. That I do not let other concerns or activities get in the way of this special quiet time. 
• That the chemo drugs do their job, that my body continue to recover from the last round.  That I do not get sick from some other infection. 
• That my brother get home safe from Iraq. He is coming home later this month, but we aren't exactly sure when.  Travel mercies as he comes from Mosul (which used to be called Nineveh for you Jonah fans out there)

Me? A Charger girl?

Well, sort of.  At least for a day. 

If you didn't already know, I am participating in the American Cancer Society's "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" walk on October 17th.   I'm part of "Team Cymer" which is the company my dad works for. Cymer is one of the sponsors of the "Making Strides" event.  I'm walking with my mom, dad, sister in law and the rest of the Cymer team.   My fundraising goal is $2,000, and I'm about 57% of the way there.  (If you want to chip in a few bucks, you can click here.) 

Because of this connection, a fun opportunity presented itself to me today.  

The American Cancer Society is partnering with the San Diego Chargers and the NFL to do a special event called "A Crucial Catch" during the game between the Chargers and the New England Patriots on October 24th to highlight the "Making Strides" event as well as Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Before the game,  30 breast cancer survivors will be running through the Charger team tunnel and out of the San Diego Chargers Helmut.  They will stay on the field with the San Diego Charger Girls to welcome the players and participate in the National Anthem.  They will be honorary team captains that day and then have seats for the game.   

Guess what?  I get to be one of the 30 women!  The American Cancer Society offered a spot to Cymer, and Cymer offered it to me.   How cool is that?  

Now for the what ifs.  Hopefully I will feel good on that date.  I have chemo two days earlier on the 22nd.  But I usually feel good on the Sunday, it is Monday when I crash out.  But this is really a once in a lifetime opportunity.  I'd hate to pass it up.  They also don't have tickets for the survivors to bring a guest, so I'll be solo.  But on the other hand, so will the other 29 women.  I suspect that we will have a bond of sisterhood that will transcend any awkwardness that we may have initially as "strangers."  I don't know squat about football.  I've never even been inside Qualcomm stadium! But the game should be fun, regardless. My birthday is on the 26th too.  (Hey-the American Cancer Society calls itself the "official sponsor of birthdays!") 

Why not just throw caution to the wind and go for it?  Life life to its fullest, I say!   Cancer, schmanser! I'm gonna run with the Charger Girls or at least drag myself across the field and have a great time doing it.

Oh-and from the Charger website, it looks like the game will be broadcast on KFMB Channel 8.  DVR it!

I shouldn't be doing this!

That was what I was thinking this morning at the gym.  I was about halfway into a cardio workout.  I was on the elliptical, level 10.  I had my heart rate monitor on, so I know I wasn't going outside of my safe target heart rate range. I was in the "zone" and feeling great.  The only thing that would have made it better would have been if my iPhone battery had some juice in it so I could be listening to something other than the lame gym music and sounds of free weights clanking across the room.   After 35 minutes on the elliptical, I ran some intervals on the treadmill for another 35 minutes.   It's kind of fun to be at the gym in a turban and be kicking butt on the equipment.  I sweat like dog and loved it.

Yesterday, I did a Jillian DVD that was a type of exercise I hadn't done since my surgery in July.  The DVD title is "No More Trouble Zones" and it is a circuit training workout.  I am still a bit paranoid about lifting weights, so I used 2 pound dumbbells.  The workout used to be kind of easy for me, even with heavier weights.  But it was definitely a challenge yesterday.  I'm feeling the "good" pain of sore muscles in different places today!   I like to mix up my workouts so I'd like to do some circuits at least once a week.  There is definitely something to be said for lunges.  Owie!

But seriously.  I am 6 days out of my third round of chemo.  I have the energy and strength to workout, and not just go for walks or do yoga.  I am amazed at how God has upheld me in all of this.  I am so blessed by so many of you out there praying for me through this trial.  Truly, the Lord is my strength and my shield.  My heart trusts in Him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song!  (Psalm 28:7)

This round of chemo is almost easier in some ways than the first ones.  Monday was the hardest day.  I felt tired, yucky and kind of blue.  But I was still able to function. Every day since has been better to the point where I pretty much feel normal today.  The metallic taste in my mouth is much less, and there is no hint of any irritation in my mouth.  I even had a flash of paranoia this morning and wondered if maybe they didn't give me enough of the toxic drugs last week.  I remember the conversation I had with the American Cancer Society's mentor who said the third round is the one that knocks people down.  That hasn't been my experience.  Maybe I'll get hit next time on round four.  I don't want to boast in myself, I know this is not coming from my own strength.  I'm the first one to give the glory to God and boast in Him.

My prayer requests:

• That the chemo drugs do their job.  With the way I'm feeling, I'm almost skeptical that they are in there.  I pray that they are, that the dosage is correct and that they are disrupting any cancer cells that are in my body.
• That my white blood cell counts are good, that my immune system be strong against infection during these days when I am supposed to be vulnerable to infections.
• That the kids and Eric stay healthy.  Any bugs they come down with, I may get too.  If I get sick, it could delay my next chemo session. 
• That everyone who knows me, hears of me, or reads this blog recognizes God at work in all of this.  That He receive glory and honor and praise for how He is seeing me through.   That my trial be a testimony to His faithfulness and amazing love.  

Incognito cancer patient

I'm undercover today.

It wasn't by design or anything.  I just didn't want to have to figure out what to wear on my head that would match with one of my few long sleeved shirts.  It was actually raining in San Diego today, and the chillier weather warranted something other than short sleeves that I've grown accustomed to.   I was running short on time, so I just put on my wig.  Just for good measure, I also strapped on the girls.  That is, the prosthetic breasts.  Or as I affectionately refer to them, my "foobies."

The wig is really super.  I catch glimpses in the mirror or in a window, and it really does look great.  Like I just stepped out of the hair salon.  And it doesn't go flat in a few minutes!  No bad hair days with wigs, that is for sure.

But it has been a strange day.

Jean-Marc and I went to our weekly mommy and me class, stopping at the library first. I was out and about, going about normal business looking "normal."  Not with a look that screamed "CANCER PATIENT!"  The other moms at the class had seen me in head scarves, so they knew.  I was even a little nervous about showing up in a wig when everyone knew anyway. But not everyone did.  One mom complimented me on my hairstyle.  She said, "I wish my hair would do that."  I almost said, "I wish mine did too!"  I wasn't sure of what to say, really.  Did she know?  Hadn't she noticed the scarves the weeks before?  Or even when we all openly talked about it after the first week or so, just to break the ice?  Maybe she wasn't there that day?  I just accepted the compliment with the "thanks."  When the second mom said something and asked me about the color, I came clean and told her it was a wig.  She asked me if I changed wigs a lot and I told her about the chemo, cancer, and all of that.  She was really sweet about it and we talked about the treatment and stuff.  Like others have said, she had no idea that I was going through of that, and how amazed she was that I was coming to these weekly classes,  and so on.   Again, that is all thanks to God's grace, definitely not my own strength.

I also went to Trader Joe's incognito.  The employees there are so friendly.  The lady checking me out was chatting as she scanned my groceries.  "Did you have a nice weekend?"  she asked me.  Hmm.  What to say. Do I really lay it on and say that I was resting after chemo?  Ha! Probably more than she bargained for with her small talk.  I just said that it was fine.  She asked if I had enjoyed our "light show" on Monday.  Like I mentioned before, we've been having weather in San Diego this week, and apparently she was referring to rain or some lightening on Monday.  I didn't know there was lightening, but then again, I was in the fog on Monday.  I just told her that I was hibernating with the cooler weather.  I don't need to give a reason.  Besides, then you get into the whole cancer conversation.  I'll pass.  Especially when I'm masquerading as a healthy person!

I realize how wrapped up in our own appearances we are.  For one, people who have seen me in cancer garb and see me in the wig don't always notice.  Some do.  But I'm surprised at how many don't. Not everyone is taken aback by the head scarves, I realize.  Although some are.  I've noticed people of all ages giving me sideways glances out in public.  But even for me, just looking normal today has been a total head trip, affecting how I act and feel.  It's interesting.  That's not to say when I'm wearing a scarf I feel bad.  Very often, I feel just fine.  Heck, some of my scarves are worth more than the wig! Something that I used to say in high school (to justify sometimes going around like a slob) was that everyone was too worried about the zit on their nose to notice yours.  I suppose that is true.  Appearances make a difference, even though they shouldn't.

On a slightly related topic, someone asked me today where I get my head scarves.  She has a friend who was just diagnosed with colon cancer and her hair had started falling out after chemo.  I thought I'd give a list of where I've gotten some of mine:

• 4 Women: This is where I get my "beau beaus."  They are great because they slip on like a hat, but look like a tied scarf.  They come in lots of colors, patterns and fabrics too.  Each one comes with a matching scrunchie.  
• France Luxe:  This is a pretty high end site with all kinds of hair and head accessories.  But they have a wonderful program called "Good Wishes" where they will give chemo patients a free head scarf.  The one they sent me retails at $72!  They are gorgeous, made of silk with crystals in the tails.  Lovely! 
• TLC: This is the American Cancer Society's online catalog.  They have lots of  hats, scarves, bands, and hair loss items.  Things you never even thought that you might need....like night caps to catch hair that falls out at night.
• Headcovers Unlimited: A lot like TLC.  They also have kits and templates to draw on eyebrows that come out.  
• Your own collection?  I happen to have a lot of silk scarves, thanks to my husband and mother in law. I would get a Hermes or Louis Vuitton scarf on major holidays and Mother's Day.  It was my own personal "French Connection." A 30 inch square scarf can be tied into a turban pretty easily.   I've also found hats at Target and Marshall's.  Check out this video for tips on tying: 

I have a few more stops to make today.  I pick up Isabelle from her girl scout meeting very soon.  That should be fun...her leader is a breast cancer survivor and will like to see my wig.  Then I have to take Olivier to karate.  I've been there 2 other times in the last week, but wearing a scarf or a hat.  Today, I'll go incognito. 

Stumbling out of the ditch

Round three, day five.  I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.

Yesterday I felt tired and like I was in a fog.  But I wasn't as tired as I was last round-I think taking it easy on Sunday afternoon helped a lot.  What I do lose is my patience.  It's gone right now and isn't in sight yet.  I'm embarrassed to admit a few outbursts on my part over the past few days.  Not very loving of me.

If it was just about taking care of myself and riding out the chemo train, it would be much easier.  But dealing with a 2 year old with opinions, demands, and endless contradictions (up/down, yes/no), is what is hard.  Thankfully, mom has been here for the past 2 days and its been wonderful.  I think a 2 year old can drive the healthiest mom nuts at times.  Throw chemo in the mix, and it is a bigger challenge.  I thank God for the grace He has given me to hold it together as well as I have.  I'd be a mess otherwise.

I started my Cipro week this morning.  As I took the first pill, I noticed the label warned that it may cause dizziness.  Ah-ha!  I remembered last round on Tuesday (the day I start the Cipro) being dizzy at the gym.  An hour or so later when I was walking the dog I had a few moments of light-headedness.  I realize now that it is from the Cipro and to be aware of it, especially on the day that I start the medication and my body is getting used to it.

Another byproduct of the chemo, at least this first week is what I call "chemo brain."  I've had "placenta brain" and "milk brain" before when I was pregnant and nursing.  Now I get to live with chemo brain.  Its a little bit of a fog.  I also have trouble making decisions or problem solving.  My friends asked me this morning how old I would be when Jean-Marc was in 4th grade.  It would take some serious mental power to figure that out right now, maybe even a pen and paper!  Just let me go with the flow, please.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total waste of brainpower.  I just don't want to expend the mental energy if its not really that important.

I have managed to keep moving, physically since chemo.  I was going to let it slide yesterday.  It was rainy and dark in the morning.  After dropping Isabelle off at school, I realized that if I didn't get some endorphins flowing, I was going to be depressed.  With the grey weather, being tired and feeling kind of yucky, being depressed would have really made the day a bleak one.  I did a 30 minute cardio workout on Exercise TV. It was just enough to break a sweat and get the blood flowing.  This morning, I went for a walk with my friends and we even did the "big" hill.

Keeping moving is key for me.  I think that is a big factor in my treatment. There are studies that show exercise can reduce fatigue in chemotherapy.  But even beyond that, it is a mental thing for me.  If I can keep exercising, I am "strong."  If I get to the point where I'm not exercising, I'm wimping out and letting the cancer win.  Not if I can help it!  I do less-intense workouts at the beginning of the chemo cycle.  By the third week, I hope I am back in "normal" shape and ready to ride the cycle again.  Last round, I was doing my Jillian DVD a week after chemo.  We'll see if I can get there this time.  No pressure!

My prayer requests:

• That I continue to pull out of the chemo ditch.  That every day get better in terms of my energy level, patience and overall mood. 
• That I do not suffer from new side effects.  That the ones I do have (a little heartburn, chemo brain, metallic mouth) be manageable.
• That I do not develop lymphedema in my left arm.  I've been doing my manual drainage massage each day to stay on top of it.  It will be a lifelong issue. 

Taking it easy

I'm tired today. I'm trying to take it easy and hopefully will feel more energetic tomorrow (Monday).

I did 30 minutes of yoga this morning, just to get moving a bit.  The kids and I made it to church, and I did feel pretty good this morning. Or maybe it was my innate desire to put my best face forward?

Eric left for his business trip before we left for church.  He'll be home on Thursday evening. It's going to be hard getting everything done without him here this week. Thankfully, I have friends bringing dinner 3 nights. That is a huge blessing!  Not to mention mom planning on coming over to lend a hand. I am blessed in this trial.

We went to brunch with mom and dad after church.  I was craving IHOP's corned beef hash and eggs.  Yikes! I ate it all, too.  Eek. I don't even want to think about how many calories that was!  I'm making some baked cod for dinner. :-)  After getting home, I took off my makeup, changed into sweats, put Jean-Marc down for a nap and retired to my room.  I read a bit, napped a bit, and tried to relax.  I'm not good at that in the middle of the day.  But I gave it my best shot.

Now Jean-Marc is in bed, the fish is about to go in the oven.  I'm craving some good lean protein and greens. I'm pretty tired and hope that a good night of sleep will help.  I'm hoping to have more energy tomorrow.  Every day will get better.

One small victory is that I have not taken any of the Zofran.  I've used my sea bands a little bit, just as a prophylactic measure.  But nausea wise, I'm feeling okay.  I hope that continues. That is one area you can pray for me in.  That and energy.

I heard the following verse on the radio this morning:  "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of the Lord concerning you."  1 Thessalonians 5:18.    I'm trying to walk that walk right now.  Thank you for your prayers and support.  It means the world to me.