In sickness & in health

Today is my fourteenth wedding anniversary. Eric and I are getting to live out the vows, "in sickness and in health." Although, like I've said before, I don't FEEL sick. Not really.

I was pretty tired yesterday. It was like I was in a fog all day. When I would sit down, I just wouldn't want to get back up. I did manage to take a walk with friends in the morning, but it definitely was physically more challenging than it usually is, and we didn't even do the "big" hill. At least I got some exercise. Next round I need to take it easy on Sunday. I did way too much this time and didn't rest at all. I paid for it yesterday. Being fatigued like that brought me down emotionally as well. I couldn't help but feel a bit blue all day.

The challenging part of days like yesterday is dealing with Jean-Marc in the mid to late morning. When we got home from the walk, I had hoped to be able to put on a "Thomas the Tank Engine" DVD and lay down while he watched. (I know, I know...electronic babysitter....bad mom. Whatever.) It wasn't that easy. He is just always moving, bouncing, and climbing on me. One day last week, he even head-butted me while I was sitting there. So its not exactly easy to rest while you are in defense mode. I was able to get him to a nap around 12:30 p.m. and lay down for an hour before I had to go pick up Olivier and his carpool buddy from the middle school. Man, that hour went by fast.

A bright spot yesterday came with the mail when I received a surprise package from an ICAN friend. It was a pretty pink necklace with a handcrafted card that said "Fight Like a Girl." So sweet. A friend also brought dinner, which was wonderful as well. I'm blessed to have such people in my life. God is good to me and shows it through the kindness of friends and family.

Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep last night was very welcome.

Today is a new day. I started my 7 day Cipro regimen to ward off infections as my white blood cell count goes down. I've had the metallic taste in my mouth for a day or so. A little slice of lemon in water helps with that a lot. This morning, I feel latent sores in my mouth. Not really sores yet, but areas of sensitivity that could develop into them. I'll wash with baking soda/salt and hopefully that will keep it at bay. My energy level seems a little better than yesterday. This morning, I did a 30 minute cardio workout on Exercise TV. Its a low impact workout, but I amped it up a bit by jumping the moves. I broke a sweat, got the endorphins flowing and it felt great.

Eric and I are going to celebrate our anniversary by going to lunch today. I'm going to debut the wig. I actually have it on right now just to get the feel for it. It's a bit itchy, but that may have to do with the fact that not all my hair is gone yet. My head is itching all the time and there are little bumps on my scalp. I hope that is just from the hair falling out process. It looks pretty nasty with the bumps--no glamorous bald chick here. At least not yet!

My prayer requests:

• That the worst part of this round of chemo is over. That my energy level increases each day, that the side effects don't get worse. That I can just go on and live life without having it revolve around cancer therapy.
• That as my white blood cell counts go down that I do not get sick from some other infection. Pray that my immune system be able to rally as much as possible. That the kids stay healthy at school and don't bring any bugs home with them.
• That I do not fall prey to the spiritual attacks of the enemy. Being beaten down physically is one of his ways of attacking us. I started to succumb to it yesterday. Praise God for a night of rest and new mercies this morning! But it is a daily battle-minute by minute.
• That the chemotherapy do what it is supposed to do-kill those bad cells!

Glimpses in the mirror

I'm pretty comfortable going out now with a scarf on my head, even though it screams CANCER PATIENT! Whatever. This is what I'm dealing with, get over it people. I figure the best I can do is be in good spirits and have a smile on my face. I truly am thankful at how God is sustaining me through this trial.

I made my debut at church yesterday with the cancer look. Everyone was very nice. Everyone who knows me already knew about the cancer, this just brought it home. I am so blessed by my family in Christ. It truly is an amazing thing to be a part of His church. Being lifted up in prayer by so many people all of the time. It is precious.

Yesterday afternoon I went out to do some grocery shopping, came home and spent hours in the kitchen working on a veggie lasagna from my anti-cancer cookbook. It was a long haul because you had to make a "ricotta" cheese out of tofu and herbs, as well as cooking 2 big bunches of greens. I used rainbow chard. It also involved caramelizing 4 red onions and cooking the wheat pasta. Eric and I liked it. Olivier kind of spit it out saying it tasted more like a salad than lasagna! Good thing I was able to freeze single portions for the grownups later on!

I'm still losing my hair in dribs and drabs. Last night when I was bathing Jean-Marc, I sat on the side of the tub and would dip my hand in the water and rub it over my head to pull out hairs. I got a lot out that way. It's less painful than the lint roller method. After doing it just a few minutes, there was this fuzzy mass at the bottom of the tub. Kind of gross.

I'll be going along doing my business in the house, feeling normal. Then I'll pass by a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself. Yowza! As the hair gets thinner and thinner it is shocking. I'm just a few days away from complete baldness. I appreciate everyone's comments about how good I look. But still....it is a shock to see a bald stranger staring back at you. Who is that person, and who let her into my house??

Isabelle and I did some pilates yesterday. I figure it will help her with her riding by strengthening her core. Heck, I could use all the exercise I can get. I'm a little sore today! (I like that feeling.) I think I'll walk with my girlfriends after we drop the kids off at school for my exercise today. I don't have much more energy for anything more intense, I'm afraid. A bit tired. That could be because I was so busy yesterday. I'm thankful that a friend is brining dinner tonight.

My prayer requests:

• That I learn to get comfortable with that person in the mirror.
• That my energy and strength continues to be renewed by the Lord.
• That as this round of chemo works through my system and my white blood cell count go down, that I don't get sick.

Quick update, Day 2, Round 2

Thing are okay today. I don't have a lot of time, but wanted to give everyone an update of what was going on with me today.

I slept GREAT last night, even with having to get up 3 times to go to the bathroom. 100 ounces of water had its vengeance! But I was able to get back to sleep each time. I even got to "sleep in" until 6:30 a.m.!

I want to get some physical activity each day, but thought that something too cardio pumping today might be too much. So I did an hour of yoga and it felt great. It really stretched my shoulders and chest. It also showed me I should do more yoga-I wasn't able to get into the poses as deeply as I have in the past. I did manage to get into a backbend, though!

The family all pitched in a bit this morning to get the house a little cleaner. The kids each did a bathroom, I did the master bathroom, and Eric vacuumed and cleaned the living room (where the piano is) and the dining room. I meant to get the tile floors done, but it didn't happen.

I took Isabelle to her riding lesson today and watched. She got to ride a different animal today-Ziggy, a full sized horse, rather than the pony Kowie that she has ridden recently. She had to learn a whole new set of tricks to keep Ziggy in line. But she was happy for the change.

When I got home, I was pretty tired. We had a lunch of leftovers and I heated up a can of organic black bean soup for myself. There were a couple of grocery things we needed, so I took a quick trip to the Target up the street and picked the stuff up. When I got home, I retired to my bedroom for a couple hours of rest. Eric and Olivier went to the range, the baby was napping, and Isabelle was playing her Nintendo.

Jean-Marc and I took Lucie for a walk after his nap. At first, it was just going to be going to the mailbox. But the day was nice, I had a hat to protect frm the sun, and the yoga didn't really get my heart rate up that much. So on the spur of the moment, I decided to do a longer walk with them. The walk I call "the Acacia loop" after the main street that it goes down. We also get to walk a stretch along a busy street, San Marcos Boulevard. Jean-Marc loves seeing the cars, trucks and even airplanes along the way. It took us about 40 minutes. Not bad for day 2, I thought.

I feel pretty good. I made a yummy black eyed pea recipe for myself to have tomorrow. Tonight I'm taking it easy on the cooking and making up a Dream Dinner, but adding extra broccoli. My taste buds havent' yet made a change much-a little metallic taste, but its not too bad. I have one more dose of the steroid to take tonight and tomorrow will be off of them. That may make my energy level go down. Time will tell. My prayer for myself is from Isaiah: "Lord, I want to abide in You. Lift me up on wings like eagles. Help me walk and not grow weary. Help me run and not grow faint."

Round Two in the can

I woke up this morning ready to go! The morning here getting ready was pretty smooth-I had the kids' lunches ready to go the night before. We were out the door by 7:25 a.m. I dropped Olivier off at his school, then dropped Isabelle off at her friends' house so they could walk to their school together.

I had about 45 minutes to kill, so I met my mom at Discovery Lake and we did a couple of easy laps. She took Jean-Marc from there to the Wild Animal Park for the morning. (I will never call it "Safari Park," by the way!)

I walked into Kaiser, and I'm sure everyone could see where I was headed...the chemotherapy suite! I was dressed in my battle gear: pink yoga pants and matching hoodie, my pink ribbon T-shirt that says "GOD...so much bigger than cancer!"; and a pink head scarf that I picked up this week. I even had matching hot pink toenails! That was coincidence...that was the pedicure I had a month ago. By the way, I am more and more comfortable going out with the headscarf "cancer patient" look. Own it, baby! This is what I'm going through right now, so be nice to me, world! :-)

I was able to pick my chair, so I headed right for the one by the windows so I could perhaps get a little bit of reception on my iPhone. Yep! As many of you know, I was able to update my facebook status while there.

The routine goes like this: the nurse comes over and wraps your arm in a warm towel. She logs onto the system and asks you about your meds, which ones you are currently on, and which ones you will be taking during this round. Then she puts an IV in your arm. This time, it went in a bit low. It looked like it was on my hand, but the needle inside actually reached down to my wrist. Every time I moved my wrist, it kind of hurt. No biggie, but definitely something we want to do differently next time. They start a saline wash and give you the maximum dosage of an anti-nausea pill. (Zofran for me). Then they give it some time to take effect, that was about 10-15 minutes. I was able to breeze through some back issues of People magazine. I must live in a cave, because half the people in the magazine I've never heard of! Then they come and make sure your name is the name on the bag of chemotherapy drug. You verify it, they pop it in and you sit there for an hour or so for it to pump into your body. This time, they started me off a bit slower, but faster than last time. After about an hour, they change bags with the other chemo drug you are prescribed. When it's done, they do a little saline wash, take out the IV and you are on your way.

This may sound bad, but I actually enjoy these visits. I don't have to worry about anyone else but ME. I can do whatever I want. I can read what I want. I can watch TV if I want. I can snooze. I can listen to my iPod. I don't have to worry about kids, diapers, or any of the daily minutiae that being a mom entails. I can relax knowing that Jean-Marc is having fun with Grandma, the others are in school, and its all good. I drove myself today and felt fine to drive home. I told Eric I would call him if I felt weird, but I was fine. No dizziness or nausea.

When we all got home, Jean-Marc was acting kind of weird. He had been outside and active all morning, so we knew he was tired and hungry. I made him what he asked for: PB&J. (Organic everything on whole wheat). He only ate a few bites and started crying, "pee pee, pee pee" and grabbing at his crotch. I asked if he wanted to sit on the potty, but he said "eat, eat." Okay. He just was fussy and didn't eat much. I figured he was too tired--it was close to 1:00 p.m. by then.

I took him upstairs and changed him, and he wasn't wet at all. I kissed him and put him down for his nap. He laid right down and I figured he was out for a few hours.

Mom and I went to the San Marcos Brewery. I thought the chicken tortilla soup sounded good. While we were there, I got a call from Eric that Jean-Marc woke up panicky, sweaty, and crying. He took his temperature, but it was normal. He let him play in his room for about an hour and he finally got down around 2:30 p.m.

Still, he was acting strange about food and elimination all day. I wonder if he has a tummy bug? His hives have gone away. Now this. Poor kid. When he woke up, he did have a normal dinner. One of his favorites, Trader Joes Chicken Noodle soup. Hopefully, he'll keep it down and have a good sleep tonight.

I came home and made a recipe from my new cookbook. It's Creamy Broccoli Potato soup. I've got it all blended up, it just needs to be reheated when we are ready. I hope its good.

How am I feeling? I am a little tired. But it is the end of the day, so that isn't unusual. I have moments of funky stomach. I think I'll take a Zofran before dinner. I don't feel super hungry, but I think the soup will hit the spot. Other than that, I feel pretty normal. I'm drinking TONS of water to help the chemo drugs circulate. I've easily had about 100 ounces today, and I don't feel waterlogged. In fact, I could drink more. It's great how your body will tell you what you need if you just listen to it.

My prayer requests:

• That Jean-Marc be healthy. Its a worry when a little kid can't verbalize what is going on that is distressing them. Pray that he is okay and HEALTHY.
• That I am able to tolerate this round of chemo as well as the last. Starting with a good night of sleep tonight.
• That these drugs do their job. INFILTRATE AND DESTROY!

This one is me

The photo from yesterday's post caused some confusion. It was NOT me-it was from the beau beau website. Here is a picture of me in one of my beau beaus.

I also promised a better "buzz" picture, so here is one with the older kids and I. I wear it like this around the house. After awhile of wearing something on my super short hair, it gets uncomfortable and itchy. I still may itch with it bald, but at least I won't have that discomfort that goes along with the hair loss.

This morning, I had business at Kaiser. I was so efficient, almost a professional cancer patient. And hey! Today, I looked the part. I did notice I was much less self conscious than yesterday. I had the routine blood draw at 9:20 a.m. After that, I picked up my refill for the super-antibiotic Cipro that I'll take this round. Then I met with Dr. P at 10:00 a.m. Kaiser is great about getting labs processed quickly. My results were already in for the doctor to review. He looked at them and pronounced that everything was "normal." I asked him, "normal like anyone, or normal for someone who has had a round of chemo?" Normal like any healthy person, regardless of chemo. Yeah! I'm ready to take on Round #2!

I asked him about flu shots. They have the mist shots for the kids available now. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for them or me. He said the kids could get it anytime. If I want one (and he thought it was a good idea), I would need to wait until week #3 in this next round and get the injected version, which has dead virus instead of live. I'll try to get us all over there sometime soon to do that to lessen the chances of the house getting sick with the flu.

I've been using a lint roller to help get rid of the excess hair on my head. This is what it looks like after I do it for a few seconds. Better stuck on the tape than shedding all over the house, my pillow, in my hats, etc.

I did sleep well last night, although I did take one of the medicines that they gave me. I'm going to again tonight since today I started taking the steroid, which has a tendency to make you more awake. I want at good night of sleep tonight!

I've been incorporating recipes from my "Cancer Fighting Kitchen" book this week. I made a huge stockpot of "Magical Mineral Broth," which is a supercharged vegetable broth. I can use it to cook grains, as a base for other soups, or just sip that if I get queasy. I'm planning on making a potato broccoli soup for tomorrow night (or "chemo" night).

My prayer requests:

• That we all get a good night of rest tonight. I want my body to be in prime condition to take on these hard core drugs tomorrow. I did my Jillian DVD and am pumped right now!
• That I tolerate this round of chemo well, with minimal side effects. That the drugs do their job, get in like Delta Force, invade and disrupt the action of the enemy cancer cells. Bang, bang! You're dead, cancer!

Coming "Out"

Today I made my debut to the world as an obvious cancer patient. A sick person. Even though I feel great and normal on the inside.

Even though I have a wig, I don't want to get sucked into wearing it every day. Besides, I've collected a few hats and scarves that I want to give a try to as well. This morning, I chose to wear a "beau beau" scarf. This is the style of it. (That's not me in the picture, its from their website.) They are cool because they are lined and already pre-fitted. All you have to do is slip it on your head. You can leave the tail, or use the matching scrunchie to make a bun.

I was a little nervous getting out of the car at Isabelle's school. Although many people already knew I had buzzed my hair yesterday, still....this was it. But it was okay. I told Isabelle ahead of time that I didn't want her to draw attention to me. I didn't want a gaggle of 9 year olds whispering and giggling. Isabelle is a bit uncomfortable with it still, and she deals with it by being silly.

I went on a power walk with some girlfriends and then took Jean-Marc to his mommy and me class, "Moove & Groove." He had such a great time. But it was strange to see myself in the mirror. I didn't know any of the other moms, but the teacher is a friend of mine. There I was, the cancer patient. One lady asked me if Jean-Marc was my "miracle baby." I said "What?" I was thinking to myself, "aren't they all?" I later realized what she may have meant. Perhaps she was referring to a post-diagnosis baby? One issue younger women with cancer face is forced infertility. Some women harvest ovaries before treatment to do IVF later. Perhaps that was what she meant? Regardless, I felt a little weirded out. But it was a fun hour anyway. I hope to go to as many of these as I can with him. If I can't go, maybe his grandma can take him. He really does enjoy it.

This afternoon, I changed outfits for a couple of errands and Isabelle's girl scout meeting. (I'm a co-leader, even though I'm not doing a whole lot right now.) I tried a hat instead of a scarf. The hat was actually more comfortable. The stubble on my head hurts when its rubbed, and the hat doesn't do that as much. We did much of the meeting outside, and I was a little worried that the wind might blow the hat off, but fortunately it didn't.

So I did it. I "owned" it.

I've been having trouble sleeping this week. I must have some anxiety over the chemo coming up. Maybe last night it was anxiety over my impending "debut." It throws a whole new angle into planning what you are going to wear. It's not like I'm dreading the chemo-I actually am wanting it to come so I can get it over with. I remember having trouble sleeping the nights leading up to the first round. I wake up in the 2 o'clock hour and cannot get back to sleep for a few hours. I'm pretty tired today as a result. I think tonight I may take one of the Ativans to get me through the night. I want to be as strong as I can be on Friday, and sleep is key.

My prayer requests:

• SLEEP! Eric and I both have been having problems sleeping. Eric's is because he has come down with a cold. Maybe I'll suggest he take some Ny-Quil tonight. I would love to close my eyes and not open them again for at least 7 hours. Maybe more.
• The health of my family. Like I said, Eric has a cold. Jean-Marc's hives seem to have faded, so that is good. Just pray that everyone get healthy and stay that way as I go through this next round of chemo.
• That my appointments tomorrow go well. I get my blood drawn and then meet with my oncologist, Dr. P. I have no idea what he will go over with me. But pray that everything looks good and that we are on the right track in fighting this disease.

Buzzed & wigging out!

I just couldn't take it anymore. Last night while in bed, I kept getting hair in my mouth because it was all over the pillow. When I woke up and wet my hair to comb it, there was a ton in the comb. There was no way I could style it, so I put on a hat. I may have had "hair" but there was no way I could work with it.

It was time.

I called my friend and hairdresser, Sheila, who was able to fit me into her busy schedule today at 1:30 p.m. My mom was able to come over on short notice and do my mommy job of picking kids up from school. All the doors were open.

Here is a picture of me about an hour before the buzz.

And here I am freshly buzzed. I'll get a better picture at some point soon. I was still reacting to the feel of the buzz, so my expression is a little funny.

Note to anyone getting such an extreme cut...close your eyes! I got a piece of hair in my right eye and it attached to my contact lens. It feels really strange to have such short hair. And that is going to come out soon. I have a lint roller that will help me get the rest out in the coming week or so.

It was such a God-orchestrated afternoon. As I got to Sheila's salon, she said her afternoon appointments just canceled. Did I want to go wig shopping? You bet! That was one of the things keeping me awake at 3 a.m. this morning...how on earth was I going to coordinate my busy schedule, Sheila's, and my moms?? I didn't have to. God did!

We went over to the Women's Health Boutique and started trying on wigs. Another God thing happened. The lady working there had appointments all afternoon and wasn't going to be able to help us much. No problem. I found one pretty quickly that I liked. The name of it is "Jolie." In French, that means "pretty." Works for me. It's a bob, very much like I have had in the past. I also bought a hat and a couple of scarves.

We took some pictures for fun, I thought everyone might like to see them.