The final countdown

5 more days till round ONE of chemotherapy.

Thankfully, it is a pretty busy week. Today, mom and I went to the gym. Unfortunately, Jean-Marc seems to be going through a separation anxiety thing. As soon as we turned into the parking lot, his little lip started to quiver. By the time we walked into the Kids Club, he was crying. He only lasted 30 minutes. I think I may have to do my gym workouts in the afternoon while he is napping. (Eric works from home, so I can do this).

Mom, Isabelle and I went and got pedicures this afternoon. It was a hoot. Isabelle was loving the whole nail salon experience. It was really fun. I got a really bright pink on my toes and a lighter pink on my nails. I haven't had polish on my nails for a very long time.

After reading lots of chemo tips, I'm starting to gather things that might be helpful. I'm stocking up on hand sanitizers and distributing them all over the place: my purse; the car; diaper bag; each kids backpack, etc. I also got some soups at Trader Joes. I'm not going to prepare too much in the food department. I think I'll wait to see what sounds good. But I think its a good idea to have some stuff ready. I've heard not to eat your favorite foods while on chemo because of the negative association, plus your taste buds change. It's likely that you won't like that food ever again. We'll see.

I made myself a chemo symptom log. I found a weekly appointment calendar template on Word and customized it. For each day, I have about 10 lines to write symptoms and the time of day I'm having them. Each day is numbered with which post-chemo day it is, as well as the date. I can take notes as I experience stuff, then bring it with me to the oncologist when I meet with him. People who know me from ICAN and Scouts could probably see me making some kind of document like this up. I'm a planner/organizer, so this was fun for me to do. It felt like I was actually doing something useful to get ready.

I'm also ordering some more head covering stuff. I ordered a couple of sleep caps from the American Cancer Society that will catch my hair as it falls out. I also am browsing some online scarf vendors. Always on the lookout for pink and plaid! Although my mom is going to make me some stuff, so its not really that urgent for me to get on my own. It's just something to do while I wait for Friday.

The rest of the week is pretty full too. Tomorrow (Tuesday), I have the physical therapy appointment. Wednesday morning we are going to VIP Day at San Elijo Middle School where Olivier will be starting at the end of the month. He'll get his schedule, his pictures taken, his school ID, and be able to walk around the campus and find his classrooms. On Wednesday afternoon, Isabelle's girl scout troop is meeting at FroYo Love to get organized for the fall beach encampment. It will be fun to see everyone again, and we just love FroYo! Thursday I go into the lab for my pre-chemo blood draw. Then bright and early Friday morning is the chemo appointment.

My prayer requests are basically the same as yesterday. Continued healing, less pain. Peace and happiness in the home.

God is good, all the time. Even in the midst of cancer, He is GOOD!

The final countdown

5 more days till round ONE of chemotherapy.

Thankfully, it is a pretty busy week. Today, mom and I went to the gym. Unfortunately, Jean-Marc seems to be going through a separation anxiety thing. As soon as we turned into the parking lot, his little lip started to quiver. By the time we walked into the Kids Club, he was crying. He only lasted 30 minutes. I think I may have to do my gym workouts in the afternoon while he is napping. (Eric works from home, so I can do this).

Mom, Isabelle and I went and got pedicures this afternoon. It was a hoot. Isabelle was loving the whole nail salon experience. It was really fun. I got a really bright pink on my toes and a lighter pink on my nails. I haven't had polish on my nails for a very long time.

After reading lots of chemo tips, I'm starting to gather things that might be helpful. I'm stocking up on hand sanitizers and distributing them all over the place: my purse; the car; diaper bag; each kids backpack, etc. I also got some soups at Trader Joes. I'm not going to prepare too much in the food department. I think I'll wait to see what sounds good. But I think its a good idea to have some stuff ready. I've heard not to eat your favorite foods while on chemo because of the negative association, plus your taste buds change. It's likely that you won't like that food ever again. We'll see.

I made myself a chemo symptom log. I found a weekly appointment calendar template on Word and customized it. For each day, I have about 10 lines to write symptoms and the time of day I'm having them. Each day is numbered with which post-chemo day it is, as well as the date. I can take notes as I experience stuff, then bring it with me to the oncologist when I meet with him. People who know me from ICAN and Scouts could probably see me making some kind of document like this up. I'm a planner/organizer, so this was fun for me to do. It felt like I was actually doing something useful to get ready.

I'm also ordering some more head covering stuff. I ordered a couple of sleep caps from the American Cancer Society that will catch my hair as it falls out. I also am browsing some online scarf vendors. Always on the lookout for pink and plaid! Although my mom is going to make me some stuff, so its not really that urgent for me to get on my own. It's just something to do while I wait for Friday.

The rest of the week is pretty full too. Tomorrow (Tuesday), I have the physical therapy appointment. Wednesday morning we are going to VIP Day at San Elijo Middle School where Olivier will be starting at the end of the month. He'll get his schedule, his pictures taken, his school ID, and be able to walk around the campus and find his classrooms. Thursday I go into the lab for my pre-chemo blood draw. Then bright and early Friday morning is the chemo appointment.

My prayer requests are basically the same as yesterday. Continued healing, less pain. Peace and happiness in the home.

God is good, all the time. Even in the midst of cancer, He is GOOD!

Chemo tips...

As you know, I got my hair cut really short last Friday. On my way home, I stopped by Sprouts to pick up a few things. (Did I mention that I'm driving myself now? It's been since last Thursday.)

Anyway, I'm in Sprouts and my phone rings. It's a really funny ring tone...a baby laughing hysterically. The number was a 619 area, which is San Diego. This summer, a 619 number has usually been a call from Kaiser, so I answered the call. (Um...not to say I screen calls!) It was the volunteer from the American Cancer Society, Pam. The ACS has this mentor program where survivors are paired up with women in cancer treatment and they provide support and tips. She and I talked about a week before my surgery and she was calling again to give me some tips on chemo.

She told me a lot of stuff, some of which I knew already. Some was new. Some I don't think I really agree with (more on that later). I've decided I'll pick and choose and leave the rest.

Here are some of the tips that stand out for me:

• The day before, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. The more water in my system, the more my veins will pop out and they will be able to get the IV line in easily. I've got pretty good veins, but I'll do whatever I can do help the process move along.
• During chemo, it should not burn. If it does, let the nurse know ASAP.
• Get in the habit of carrying around kleenex and ritz peanut butter cracker sandwich cookies. The kleenex for a runny nose-I'll likely lose the hair in my nose and it will cause a drippy nose. (Ew...I hadn't thought of losing hair there). The crackers in case of nausea. She said they were better than saltines since they will bring up my blood sugar. I already have an organic version of these in my pantry in little individual snack baggies. I'm ready.
• It's likely my pee will turn color. She was given Adriamycin (which I'm not taking). The drug itself is bright red and her pee turned red.
• There will be changes in my nails. Dark lines and deep ridges. In rare cases, some people lose their nails--usually their toe nails. Gosh, I hope I'm not one of those.
• She had her last chemo treatment on December 5th. My last will be December 3rd. By Valentines Day, she had a 1/4 inch of hair.
• There may be changes in my voice. Hers dropped an octave.
• Have plastic bags and paper towels in my car in case I need to clean up after myself getting sick.
• Don't be around sick kids. This might be hard. I've got 3 kids. We usually are pretty healthy, but with the older two being in school, you never know. Then there is the nursery at church. My pastor's toddler caught a bug there a couple weeks ago and got his mom and dad sick. That's not good. I'm going to get in the habit of having the older ones wash their hands a LOT, and routinely using a hand sanitizer on Jean-Marc.
• Inspect my mouth daily. Mouth sores are common, and hard to treat. I need to be aware of any developing so they can be treated as soon as possible. Switch to a soft toothbrush and be diligent about oral hygiene. But be careful flossing-use dental tape rather than the thinner floss.
• She had a lot to say about food. This is where I am going to do my own thing. She said that mow isn't the time to diet. If something sounds good, eat it. She said that everyone likes Taco Bell while on chemo. What?? Fast/junk food? She said to avoid raw food--like fresh fruits and vegetables, unless they are in their own "skin" like a banana. Now I understand with a low white blood cell count I need to be careful. But I do only buy organic produce, and also have started using an organic produce wash. I am definitely going to run this one by my oncologist. She went on to say that "white" foods are good. White bread, white pasta, white pudding, white breakfast drink mixes. White stuff. If its white, its okay. Hmmm. I've just spent the last year getting nutritionally void refined flour and sugar OUT of my diet. She lost 40 pounds while on chemo. From our conversation, it seems that nausea was a big problem for her, so whatever she could keep down was what she ate. I don't know. Maybe it will be the same for me. I don't want to lose 40 pounds, but I could stand another 10-20. (Not that I'm dieting--I am NOT!) But I really am worried that the slowdown in my metabolism will make me gain weight back. I got rid of my "fat" clothes. I don't want to go out and have to shop, bald, for clothes in bigger sizes. Above that, if there is one thing I've learned over the past year, is that food is medicine. My body is going to need solid nutrients, not junk food. I think junk food will just make me feel worse. We'll see. I am going to eat as well as I can-solid, healthy nutritional food.

I had this conversation in public as I browsed Sprouts. It kind of typified my life. Here I am, grocery shopping, but talking about this stuff like its the most perfectly normal thing in the world.

Pam didn't go through radiation, so she is going to round up another volunteer to call me in a few months as I start to get mentally prepared for that phase of treatment. I really appreciate this program by the American Cancer Society. It's one thing to read about this stuff in a book. But to talk to someone who has gone through it adds an extra element. If she can do it, I can.

My prayer requests:

• That my body continue to heal from surgery. I do feel like I've made progress. I haven't had any Advil for 2 days. The sunburn pain is manageable. I'm having more shooting, stabbing pains in my incision. I've heard that is a sign of healing? The swelling is also slowly going down on my sides too.
• That I not be afraid of chemo as the date approaches. Right now, I'm not fearful. I'm actually kind of anxious to get going on it. Pray that I stand strong against the enemy that wants to knock me off of this place of peace.
• That there not be any renegade cancer cells in my body. That the surgery took them away 3 1/2 weeks ago. But if there are, that the chemo will be effective against them.
• Eric's health. He's been having some sores in the back of his throat. I'm convinced this is stress related. He's under a lot of pressure as we move into this phase of my treatment. We are kind of hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst-that is, me being laid up for several days at a time throughout the fall. He's got some business trips coming up that he can't miss out on. Thank God for my mom, who is able to come and stay with us and help us get through. For that matter, pray for her health as well!
• Overall peace in our home. With the stress that goes along with mom having cancer, the kids and Eric sometimes get into arguments. Everyone needs to take a few steps back, give each other an extra dose of grace and chill out. I'm sure the enemy is doing a tap dance at times when he sees the conflict.

Stand up to Cancer

Man, those are some odds! I am stunned to learn how invasive cancer is in our society. 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. But when you factor in all of the other cancers out there....it is mind boggling.

I don't know much about this organization. If they are standing up to cancer, that is awesome and I wish them well. I do know that the American Cancer Society has a lot of programs involving research and support for people whose lives are touched by cancer. They already have given me a lot of support and information. That is why I am walking in the "Making Strides for Breast Cancer" walk in San Diego on October 17th. My goal right now is $1,000. I am already over half way there! If I get there soon, I may just double it and try to become a "pacesetter." Right now, there are only 3 people in all of San Diego who have achieved this status. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but if you want to help me out, you can click here and make a small donation.

Stand up to cancer!!

Transitions

Before. Isabelle and I on her birthday.

I am blessed to have a wonderful friend in my hairdresser, Sheila. She graciously offered to help me with my hair, whatever I wanted to do. She even came in today on her day off to cut it for me. I appreciate it so much!

I decided that it would be easier (and less of a mess) to just get a short cut. It would also get me used to the feeling of having my neck bare. It will also be a transition for everyone else who is used to seeing me. Less of a shock. I'm thinking of it as something of a transitional hairdo.

I made the decision this morning, and thankfully, Sheila made herself available to me this afternoon. I was nervous, but there was no backing out. On the way to the salon, I was listening to KLove , a contemporary Christian radio station. I can't even remember what song was on as I was on my way, but I got that weepy Holy Spirit feeling again. I did NOT want to cry over my hair. Especially because I put on mascara! I'll admit, a few tears did flow. Like I've said, I'm not that fond of my hair as it is. But still. Losing it is going to be tough. Being bald is going to be a flag to the world that I'm "sick." A tell tale sign. I can try to hide it with wigs, I guess. But like I've said before, everyone knows I'm in this fight. Why hide it now? (Tough talk from someone with hair still on her head).

Other than the surgery healing, I don't FEEL sick. I'm sure that will change as I start chemo. But accepting the hair loss is kind of like accepting that I am sick, I guess.

When I got there, Sheila had a styling book open and suggested a style. It was short, for sure. But what the heck? In a few weeks, I'm going to be totally bald. So why not? Besides, I usually go in for a cut and tell Sheila to do whatever she thinks would look good. I've been a client of hers since I was pregnant with Olivier over 11 years ago. She knows my hair, head, and me.

So she went for it. It was fun to be doing something "normal" again, even though I was doing it for a cancer related reason. She took these pictures of me, and of the pile of hair that I left behind. Better left on the salon floor than in my shower drain!

Sheila also offered to come wig shopping with me. I do want to get a wig. I may feel differently once the hair is actually gone. I like to have options. Sheila can also thin the wig out and help make it more manageable for me too. I'm so thankful to her for all of her help in this journey. Thanks to you all who have given me positive feedback on my facebook page as well. You guys really gave me a boost!

Getting physical

One week until chemo!

I noticed a strange thing under my left arm the other day while blow drying my hair. (No, its not a lump!) It is like a tight cord under my skin. I don't have it on my right side. It must have something to do with the lymph nodes having been taken out.

I have my first physical therapy appointment on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to talking with this person and finding out more about what my body can (and cannot) do. When I stretch my arms up to the ceiling, it feels like the left side is shorter, and that cord under my arm really pops out. I'm also looking forward to learning about self-massages that I can do to aid my body in lymph draining so I do not develop lymphedema.

I love getting massages. I always have. Really deep and hard ones. So much so that it sometimes hurts, you know? I don't know when I'll be able to have another one. At this point, it would just hurt on my arms and upper chest. But I don't know if the deep tissue massages are good for me now that my lymph system is compromised. I stumbled onto the concept of "oncology massage." I think I read about it in a comment to someone's blog yesterday. Anyway, there is a Society for Oncologic Massage. I browsed their lists of therapists and found one that nearby in Carlsbad. Of course, I'll ask my doctor first. But it would be nice to get a massage at some point. My friend who went through chemo not too long ago said her massage therapist would not do a massage while she was in chemo. Maybe there are special techniques that are okay?

This is a pre-op picture of me being silly. I had just worked out and was high on endorphins. That's my excuse for it. I kept it to remind myself of what I could do "before." If my body totally gets out of shape, I'll look at it to know I can get back again.

Mom and I continued our workout regimen this week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday we go to the gym and do a solid hour of cardio. I have a heart rate monitor that I like to wear to make sure I'm not slacking off. I try to get to a 400 calorie burn in an hour. For me, that is one intense hour at about 80-85% of my target heart rate. Then we stretch. The last two times, I've been able to do some lower ab work as well. As long as it doesn't pull on my chest, its okay. I have to be really careful

about form, which means...no cheating! On Tuesdays and Thursdays we walk. This week with my mother in law gone, we've taken all 3 kids to Discovery Lake and get them moving as well. They have the option of biking or walking. Jean-Marc has no choice-he's stroller bound! Walking alone gets kind of boring, and my heart rate doesn't get up much past 100. So yesterday we stopped at benches that are situated around the lake and did some intervals by stepping up onto them. I would do a minute on each leg, per bench. Nice!

I am pretty determined to keep exercising during chemo. Its one of those "things" that I'm focusing on to help get me through this. I've read that the effects are cumulative. For those who have gone before me in this...is that your experience? I know during week 2, my white blood cell counts will dip and I will have to be careful about exposure to germs and stuff. I'm wondering if that means no gym? Maybe I'll have to start to browse the Exercise TV listings to see if there are programs I can do at home. I wish I could use handweights. That will be one of the questions for the physical therapist next week. I'm doing the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5k on October 17th. That will be right before round #3. Of course, I know there is always walking. I live in a pretty hilly area and could probably get a good burn on with a power walk. I don't usually do those since the trails are unpaved and I usually have to push Jean-Marc in the stroller. Although by the end of this, there will probably be some days that walking down the street to the mailbox will be a triumph.

All of these ramblings aside, I know it will work out. (No pun intended!) I just have time to think right now and try to strategize my approach. Maybe I have too much time on my hands!

My prayer requests today:

• That any floating cancer cells in my body are responsive to chemotherapy. This isn't a given. One advantage of doing chemo before surgery (which I opted not to do), would have been to know that the cancer was or wasn't responsive to chemo. Now I'm in the dark and have to just trust that it will work. I started thinking about this over the past couple of days.
• That my body continue to heal from surgery.
• That the sunburn pain feeling goes away. I'm pretty sure that I'm off the hydrocodone for good. I've only taken Advil over the past 3 days, and I'm not always on that.
• That I sleep tonight. The last 2 nights, I've not been able to get back to sleep after waking up in the night. I guess that is the downside of not being on a narcotic!
• That I accept my changing hairstyle(s). And lack of hair. I really don't like my hair right now anyway. But the thought of being bald is on my mind still.

It's all in (or on) my head

Today I am 3 weeks out of surgery and 9 days before chemotherapy starts. I realized yesterday that chemo is NEXT WEEK. Gulp. It's okay. I really am looking forward to it in a bizarre kind of way. Right now I'm swimming in a sea of unknowns. How am I going to react? What side effects will I have? Will I gain weight? Will I lose it? Will I be able to get the kids to school and put food on the table, or just want to stay in bed? I've read such a huge range of stories and every single one is different. Mine will be too. I just can't predict it. I'm going to make a "chemo calendar" for my growing breast cancer 3 ring binder. I can write down side effects and when they happen so I can report it to the oncologist. It's something I can "do" to help.

I've begun collecting hats and a few head wrap things. I found this site that sells head scarves called "beau beaus." I got a couple of them, they are kind of pricey, but very nice. They come with a matching scrunchie so you can knot the tail of the wrap into a bun and have different looks. Having to accessorize my headwear is going to be a pain. I'm not that good at accessorizing in general, so to have to consider what to put on my head is going to really throw me for a loop! I've got dozens of gorgeous silk scarves that Eric has gotten me over the years, but I've read that silk slips off your head. I've got a few hats as well.

There is always the wig option. I do want to get one, just in case. But I kind of feel a bit about the wig like I do about the fake breasts. Everyone knows I have cancer. I may feel like everyone is staring at the fake hair. I don't know. Maybe there will be times when I'm going out in public and people don't know me and I'll want to look like someone who is "healthy." On the other hand, going out with a head scarf may also get me some sympathy. Maybe not. Who knows?

I've also been pondering what to do about the hair I still have for the next few weeks. It has been falling out since Jean-Marc was born. Every time I wash, I lose a lot. We chalked it up to hormonal changes, but it now looks like it was a warning sign for me. Anyway, I will be glad to get post-chemo hair. I've read that it grows back thicker and even wavy. The "chemo curl." But in the meantime, how do I get rid of the hair I have? Do I do a short cut and then let it fall out little by little? Do I just shave it off? That could be shocking--almost as shocking as seeing myself scarred and breastless for the first time. If I do shave it off, when? Dr. P said my hair would start to fall out about 10 days after the first chemo round. Or, do I do nothing and then let it fall out little by little? That might be a little traumatic, not to mention messy. My bathroom counter has already got hair all over the place from the hair loss I've been experiencing. I don't know what to do. I have a fantastic hairdresser and friend who has offered to do whatever I want. I just don't know what that is.

I'm still off the pain meds, praise God. It will be 2 days today. I think I'll be able to stay off of them. I just pray that this sunburn feeling goes away. Last night, I slept without a camisole on underneath my pajamas for the first time. It felt good while sleeping, and was definitely not as hot. This morning it feels weird to have my silk pajamas brushing up against my incisions. Kind of tickly. I guess that is better than the chafing sunburn. I'm still swollen on my left side.

My prayer requests today:

• Healing, healing, healing. My incisions really are looking pretty good. The swelling is going down, little by little. I'm even able to 'kind of' roll onto my left side in bed (with the support of little pillows). This sunburn feeling is the biggest thorn in my flesh right now. I would like it to go away. If that is not His will, that God would give me the strength and grace to handle the pain.
• That I would find something "fun" to do with the kids this afternoon. They've been housebound and are bored. While a nap or just reading would top my list of things to do this afternoon, I would like to do something fun with them.
• For God's grace and comfort to all of those people out there in cancer treatment. It's not an easy road. I am definitely not alone in this.