I had called her office on Friday at 4:30 p.m. Some hopeful part of me was thinking I could get on the surgical calendar on Friday. Why waste a whole weekend-that is 2 more days of cancer growing inside of me. On Friday, I was told she was out of the office. The nurse was very nice-she called me at 5:45 p.m. on Friday night to tell me the doctor wanted to talk to me and she would call me on Monday. On Monday morning, the nice lady (Stephanie) called again to tell me that the doctor was out of the office and I would hear from her on Tuesday. Today is Tuesday. I called the office at 2:30 p.m. and left another message. Hopefully I'll get a call soon.
Our entire summer is up in the air without a surgery date. Eric has plane tickets for France for July 2nd. A business trip he scheduled several weeks ago is in limbo. (Okay, he'll be able to visit his parents at the same time). Both he and the company are very willing to cancel or postpone it. They just need to know. I need to know.
I was praying for guidance and wisdom this morning in my surgical decision. I came across this psalm:
"Give ear to my words, O Lord,
Consider my meditation.
Give heed to the voice of my cry,
My King, and my God,
For to You I will pray.
My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up." (Psalm 5:1-3)
That was the cry of my heart at 5:55 a.m. this morning. Please hear me God...incline your ear towards me and give me guidance.
The Psalm continues:
"But as for me, I will come into
Your house in the
multitude of Your mercy;
In fear of You I will worship
toward Your holy temple.
Lead me, O Lord, in Your
righteousness because of my enemies; [cancer cells]
Make Your way straight before my face." (vv. 7-8)
My supplication this morning was all about whether to have a single or bilateral mastectomy. I know God speaks to us through His Word. Unfortunately, I don't think there is a verse in there that would say, "daughter....go forth and have a bilateral mastectomy!" But I do want to be in God's will. I want to walk down the path He has laid out before me. I want him to lead me on that straight path.
It goes on:
"Let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy,
because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name
Be joyful in You.
For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield." (vv. 11-12)
I do trust God. There is a joy in knowing that despite the challenges I may be facing right now, God is there to defend me against these sick cells that are dividing. The thought of being surrounded by the Lord is awesome and mighty. I actually had an experience last week when I was in devotional time that I really had the tangible feeling of being surrounded by such love and protection. It was amazing to feel the arms of Abba Father around me, enveloping me. Protecting me. Comforting me. God is so good, even in the midst of this. When I start to freak out, I must remind myself to look to HIM. Not to try to survive this in my own strength.
Regarding the timing of the surgery...the right date will happen. "I know that You can do everything, And No purpose of Yours can be withheld from You." (Job 42:2)
God is good....ALL the time.