I've been training for my first half marathon of 2013, which is coming up this Sunday in Carlsbad. I use a training app from Runner's World called "Smart coach" which tells me which days to run, how far, and how fast.
Getting back into running after training and doing the 3 Day last November hasn't been easy. I felt like I lost my "base" of running fitness. The first few weeks were brutal, but I stuck it out. After a month (late December), I started to feel pretty good again. I was no where near as fast as I was last Spring, but at least a run didn't feel like torture! For the past month, I've been doing about 30 miles per week, with my longest run being 11+ miles. By all measures, I am ready for 13.1 miles on Sunday. I know I won't set a personal record (PR), but I should be able to at least be competitive with my times from last year. If I could maintain a 10 minute mile, I would be thrilled, but I think 10:30 is more realistic.
But this week I feel like lead! The training app had me run 4 miles Tuesday and Wednesday, then a tempo run of 5 miles today. Tuesday's run was great. While I wasn't really trying to run fast, I did. (Which made up for a bad run on Sunday that I have legitimate excuses for: it was hotter than normal; I had eaten lunch just an hour before; and it was a hilly route). But yesterday's run was tough. Then today at the gym, I barely hung on for the 3 miles at a tempo pace. When I finished, I was beet red and annoyed at myself. What the heck? The trainer is telling me to run an easy 4 tomorrow and rest on Saturday. I think I'm going to rest tomorrow instead, although it will be hard not to run because I have a new Garmin to try out.
I've been getting plenty of sleep and eating very well this week. Actually, better than most weeks. I've been drinking more water. I would have expected to be feeling on top of the world instead of dragging myself through workouts. I should be wanting to run MORE because I feel so strong, not less. What's up with that? I was hoping to end this race training feeling like I could kick some serious bootie.
The point of this post isn't the nitty gritty of my training, though.
It's the mental skirmish that has started because of it. You see, I just can't have a bad day or two. My mind instantly goes to....am I having bad workouts because I'm sick? Could I be fighting one of the myriad of viruses that is going around right now? Olivier did comment about feeling a little "off" this morning. Or even worse....has cancer has come back? Is my body using its energy to fight evil mutating cells?? I have enough energy to get through my day otherwise. But what if....what if....what if....
I hate the what ifs.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2012 by the numbers
I really enjoy my Garmin GPS watch. Not only does it give me my pace and distance information, I am able to upload it to Garmin's website and track my workouts and progress. You can really "geek out" on some of the data you can get.
In short, I covered a total of 1,631.09 miles! (It took 350 hours, 15 minutes, and 15 seconds....over 2 weeks, lol!)
For data geeks like me, here is how Garmin breaks it down:
Running
Walking
Biking
Swimming
In short, I covered a total of 1,631.09 miles! (It took 350 hours, 15 minutes, and 15 seconds....over 2 weeks, lol!)
For data geeks like me, here is how Garmin breaks it down:
Running
| Count: | 158 Activities |
| Distance: | 834.99 mi |
| Time: | 148:48:23 h:m:s |
| Elevation Gain: | 45,602 ft |
| Avg Speed: | 5.6 mph |
| Avg HR: | 153 bpm |
| Avg Run Cadence: | -- |
| Avg Bike Cadence: | -- |
| Calories: | 54,968 C |
| Avg Distance: | 5.32 mi |
Walking
| Count: | 77 Activities |
| Distance: | 478.06 mi |
| Time: | 148:39:47 h:m:s |
| Elevation Gain: | 60,078 ft |
| Avg Speed: | 3.2 mph |
| Avg HR: | 99 bpm |
| Avg Run Cadence: | -- |
| Avg Bike Cadence: | 0 rpm |
| Calories: | 28,081 C |
| Avg Distance: | 6.21 mi |
Biking
| Count: | 19 Activities |
| Distance: | 289.33 mi |
| Time: | 29:42:05 h:m:s |
| Elevation Gain: | 19,111 ft |
| Avg Speed: | 10.2 mph |
| Avg HR: | 119 bpm |
| Avg Run Cadence: | -- |
| Avg Bike Cadence: | -- |
| Calories: | 11,084 C |
| Avg Distance: | 17.02 mi |
Swimming
| Count: | 25 Activities |
| Distance: | 28.71 mi |
| Time: | 23:05:00 h:m:s |
| Elevation Gain: | -- |
| Avg Speed: | 1.2 mph |
| Avg HR: | -- |
| Avg Run Cadence: | -- |
| Avg Bike Cadence: | -- |
| Calories: | -- |
| Avg Distance: | 1.15 mi |
For Christmas, Eric gave me a Garmin "upgrade," which I haven't cashed in yet. I've pretty much decided on which model I want-one that will track swimming better, I just haven't made the purchase yet. I can only IMAGINE how much data I'll have for 2013!!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Who will be my mom?
Jean-Marc, who is four, and I have a little cute word game that we play from time to time throughout the day. It is kind of based on the book, "Guess How Much I Love You" by Sam McBratney. He'll tell me that he loves me up to the stars and back a hundred seventy eight times (the exact number varies each time...he's trying to get as high as he can go.) Then I'll top it. Then he'll try to make up an even bigger number, and so on. It's cute and inevitably ends up with hugs and him declaring that, "I'll always love you!" Or, "I'll never ever, ever stop loving you!" Heart melting, to be sure.
Last night as I was getting him ready for bed, he started the Game. It's especially nice when he's fresh from a bath and getting all cozy and ready for bed. When he said that he would "never, ever" stop loving me, I made some comment like, "Wow...even when I'm an old lady?"
That stopped him in his tracks. His little lips started to quiver and he was visibly worried. After a pause, his little voice asked, "But....but who will be my mom when you die?" He was on the verge of tears, and this sudden turn of the Game almost had me there on a dime as well.
"Who will be my mom when you die?"
Who said anything about dying?? Oh man. I assured him that I wasn't going to be dying anytime soon and that even when I was old and he was a grownup, that I would still be his mom. That satisfied him enough that we were able to settle in for a good telling of "Hop on Pop" before final goodnight cuddles and bed.
But I can't help but think over the question. While I am not facing the death sentence that a recurrence would mean, it is always in the back of my mind. It's a constant threat that I live with. Having my innocent little four year old ask me the question that I hope he never has to really ask kind of freaked me out.
And while I'm okay, there are so many other women who do die and leave small children. My heart just breaks thinking about those little children who are left wondering who will be their mom now.
I pray that mine never have to.
Last night as I was getting him ready for bed, he started the Game. It's especially nice when he's fresh from a bath and getting all cozy and ready for bed. When he said that he would "never, ever" stop loving me, I made some comment like, "Wow...even when I'm an old lady?" That stopped him in his tracks. His little lips started to quiver and he was visibly worried. After a pause, his little voice asked, "But....but who will be my mom when you die?" He was on the verge of tears, and this sudden turn of the Game almost had me there on a dime as well.
"Who will be my mom when you die?"
Who said anything about dying?? Oh man. I assured him that I wasn't going to be dying anytime soon and that even when I was old and he was a grownup, that I would still be his mom. That satisfied him enough that we were able to settle in for a good telling of "Hop on Pop" before final goodnight cuddles and bed.
But I can't help but think over the question. While I am not facing the death sentence that a recurrence would mean, it is always in the back of my mind. It's a constant threat that I live with. Having my innocent little four year old ask me the question that I hope he never has to really ask kind of freaked me out.
And while I'm okay, there are so many other women who do die and leave small children. My heart just breaks thinking about those little children who are left wondering who will be their mom now.
I pray that mine never have to.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Status update...all clear
I had my 6 month oncology checkup today. Every April and October I'm supposed to go and visit Dr. P. Last April, they called me to set it up. This time, I didn't get the scheduling call. I put it off and finally last week called to make the appointment. I'm not a big procrastinator. It just stresses me out.
It's really strange to go back there to the internal medicine department at Kaiser. It wouldn't be accurate to say that it "reminds" me that I had cancer, because every day the thoughts of "what if it comes back" invade my thoughts. It's worst in the middle of the night when I have moments of sleep that are "less deep" (for lack of a better term) than others. During those times, I have to call on the name of Jesus in order to fight off the fear. Talk about a spiritual battle! The strange thing is, that I'm really still asleep while I'm doing this. Weird.
I managed to get my 6 mile training walk in before my appointment. I parked my car in the Kaiser parking lot and walked from there. Training for the 3 Day certainly poses some challenges for life. It takes a long time to walk, especially after I got used to running earlier in the year. Our mileage plan for this week is 44...including an 18 mile day and a 15 mile day. So squeezing in doctor's appointments around the kids' schedule and my training schedule can be tough.
Dr. P never changes. Knowing that he does triathalons, when he asked me "What's new?" I told him that I bought a road bike. (This is old news to my Facebook friends.) We had a discussion about my speedplay pedals and he assured me that EVERYONE falls from time to time. I told him about the walk training. He asked me if I wore enough sunscreen. Probably not, I told him. It didn't help that I was a bit flushed from just having walked 6.6 miles! I like to tell him about my race goals and let him know how much I am able to do. Like it will put another notch in the "healthy" side of my file.
Looking at my medical record, he saw that I'm coming up on my 2 years on Tamoxifen in December. Now the decision is....do we switch to another hormone therapy that is for post-menopausal women? My estrogen levels were "low" last April. He suggested that I get them checked again in December and then we would probably switch to Anastrozole. I assured him that I haven't had a period since September 2010. Silver lining? Maybe. Maybe not, though, because I've been having hot flashes ever since! This new drug has a potential side effect of muscle soreness and osteoporosis. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to go for it as soon as I can because Dr. P has told me in the past that it has better outcomes than Tamoxifen alone.
After that, he examined me. Listened to my lungs, heart, etc. Felt around to see if there were any lumps or bumps that shouldn't be there. For the first time, he did not ask me about reconstruction.
And then it was over.
For another 6 months.
It's really strange to go back there to the internal medicine department at Kaiser. It wouldn't be accurate to say that it "reminds" me that I had cancer, because every day the thoughts of "what if it comes back" invade my thoughts. It's worst in the middle of the night when I have moments of sleep that are "less deep" (for lack of a better term) than others. During those times, I have to call on the name of Jesus in order to fight off the fear. Talk about a spiritual battle! The strange thing is, that I'm really still asleep while I'm doing this. Weird.
I managed to get my 6 mile training walk in before my appointment. I parked my car in the Kaiser parking lot and walked from there. Training for the 3 Day certainly poses some challenges for life. It takes a long time to walk, especially after I got used to running earlier in the year. Our mileage plan for this week is 44...including an 18 mile day and a 15 mile day. So squeezing in doctor's appointments around the kids' schedule and my training schedule can be tough.
Dr. P never changes. Knowing that he does triathalons, when he asked me "What's new?" I told him that I bought a road bike. (This is old news to my Facebook friends.) We had a discussion about my speedplay pedals and he assured me that EVERYONE falls from time to time. I told him about the walk training. He asked me if I wore enough sunscreen. Probably not, I told him. It didn't help that I was a bit flushed from just having walked 6.6 miles! I like to tell him about my race goals and let him know how much I am able to do. Like it will put another notch in the "healthy" side of my file.
Looking at my medical record, he saw that I'm coming up on my 2 years on Tamoxifen in December. Now the decision is....do we switch to another hormone therapy that is for post-menopausal women? My estrogen levels were "low" last April. He suggested that I get them checked again in December and then we would probably switch to Anastrozole. I assured him that I haven't had a period since September 2010. Silver lining? Maybe. Maybe not, though, because I've been having hot flashes ever since! This new drug has a potential side effect of muscle soreness and osteoporosis. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to go for it as soon as I can because Dr. P has told me in the past that it has better outcomes than Tamoxifen alone.
After that, he examined me. Listened to my lungs, heart, etc. Felt around to see if there were any lumps or bumps that shouldn't be there. For the first time, he did not ask me about reconstruction.
And then it was over.
For another 6 months.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Complacent no more!
I'm happy to report my lymphedema seems to have gotten under control. All it took was taking the time to take care of it: doing the massage nightly; wrapping; and staying bandaged longer. I also started using "chip bags"as part of my bandaging on my hand and forearm. I can once again wear my wedding rings without worrying that I will be unable to get them off!
It was a wake up call for me, though. I had spent most of the summer not massaging, and only wrapping a fraction of the time. Even with our trip to France, I was spared swelling. So I began to take it for granted. This latest episode has shaken me out of my complacent place. Especially now as my mileage for the 3 Day begins to increase. This week was a "rest' week with only 20 miles, but next week I'm in for 30! Keeping my arm bandaged for some of these long walks has definitely helped, although it has been difficult with the hot weather.
I was not so happy to see that I've crept up a few pounds on the scale today. Yikes. Another place of complacency that is being shaken. Considering all of my exercise, I haven't been careful about what I'm putting in my mouth, and the scale doesn't hide it! So I'm back to counting calories. I'll admit...the past couple weeks, I've indulged in wine, dessert, and too many snacks. (Like the huge bag of yogurt raisins I bought at Costco and pretty much finished off myself in a week!) I've gone past my "no go" number by a pound and its time to get serious again. Its ridiculous considering the amount of exercise I do! If I'm careful about what I put in, I should be feeling good again in a few weeks. (Just in time for my 25th high school reunion in October!)
I still am dealing with bursitis in my hip, but that I'm told takes a very long time to go away. I can't exactly stop using it. So I'm icing it, taking anti-inflammatories, and not sleeping on my left side. On the good side, my left foot/heel seems to be dealing with getting back into walking and running. I've added foot stretches and rolling my feet on a golf ball as part of my cool down. I guess this is another area where I am no longer complacent!
It was a wake up call for me, though. I had spent most of the summer not massaging, and only wrapping a fraction of the time. Even with our trip to France, I was spared swelling. So I began to take it for granted. This latest episode has shaken me out of my complacent place. Especially now as my mileage for the 3 Day begins to increase. This week was a "rest' week with only 20 miles, but next week I'm in for 30! Keeping my arm bandaged for some of these long walks has definitely helped, although it has been difficult with the hot weather.
I was not so happy to see that I've crept up a few pounds on the scale today. Yikes. Another place of complacency that is being shaken. Considering all of my exercise, I haven't been careful about what I'm putting in my mouth, and the scale doesn't hide it! So I'm back to counting calories. I'll admit...the past couple weeks, I've indulged in wine, dessert, and too many snacks. (Like the huge bag of yogurt raisins I bought at Costco and pretty much finished off myself in a week!) I've gone past my "no go" number by a pound and its time to get serious again. Its ridiculous considering the amount of exercise I do! If I'm careful about what I put in, I should be feeling good again in a few weeks. (Just in time for my 25th high school reunion in October!)
I still am dealing with bursitis in my hip, but that I'm told takes a very long time to go away. I can't exactly stop using it. So I'm icing it, taking anti-inflammatories, and not sleeping on my left side. On the good side, my left foot/heel seems to be dealing with getting back into walking and running. I've added foot stretches and rolling my feet on a golf ball as part of my cool down. I guess this is another area where I am no longer complacent!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Status update
It has been a busy few weeks. The kids started school again 2 weeks ago. Isabelle and Jean-Marc are each doing swimming 2 times a week, so I find myself on the road being the taxi again.
My plantar facitis seems to have abated, thank God. However, when it first flared up in July, I compensated by walking on the outer part of my left foot, which caused my hip to have problems. I saw my chiropractor last week to make sure that it wasn't cancer. (I know, I know.) But Dr. P's way of monitoring in between check ups is to tell me, "If you have a pain that doesn't go away, come see me." This hip pain is officially bursitis. My chiropractor nailed it right off by comparing my right and left side. I also got a really good adjustment in the process. He did tell me that my foot felt much better than the last time I was in. Yay! Anyway, Dr. Google tells me the remedies for bursitis are ice, anti-inflammatories, and rest. Hm. Okay, well 2 out of 3 should help, right? If it got really bad, I could get a cortisone shot in the hip. I don't know if I would ever go there, though. I had one once...and it is a very traumatic memory.
The thing is, I don't want to rest. I love to exercise. Plus, I officially started my 3 Day training a few weeks ago. While its not as rewarding as running (burning half the calories in twice the time), I do know that it is important if I want to be able to walk the entire 60 miles. So I've been walking a lot more the past few weeks. Rest really isn't an option at this point. I'm in a groove! Here is my Garmin calendar to prove it for the month of August.
With my foot problems, I've gotten into other forms of exercise more. I took 3 weeks off of any impact and for cardio did stationary bike riding and swimming. Now I'm all inspired to tackle a triathalon at some point. Yesterday, I swam 2,300 yards in an hour. 1,100 of them were freestyle, non-stop. This morning, a friend from church loaned me a bike that I can try out. I'm excited to give it a try. Cycling is a whole new world for me. I half-jokingly told my parents this morning...I need a cycling outfit! Maybe something in pink? :-)
Anyway, one problematic issue that seems to have cropped up is my lymphedema. I had a small pain on my left hand for a few days. I'm not sure where it came from, but it definitely felt tender, like a bruise. It also has been very hot, and I have been walking, which tends to make me swell. I noticed last week my hand was puffy, so I started being more diligent about wearing bandages or my custom Juxta-Fit sleeve at night. I even did the manual drainage massage a few nights. But when I do, I'm not getting that "tingly" feeling that tells me that the lymph is moving. So far, it does not seem to have helped. I wore my nighttime wrapping/bandaging the last 2 mornings walking to no avail. Today, I'm wearing my compression sleeve and glove during the day. For the past year or so, I've only worn it while exercising. But I can tell through the glove (even more coverage/compression than the gauntlet) that my hand is puffy. I'm thinking that maybe I need to go and see my physical therapist to get "unstuck" from where I am. She's good at the drainage and can probably get it moving for me. It's not life threatening, but it is a bummer to look down and see my hand all puffy. Eric and I measured my hand and arm today for the first time in about a year, and I measured a centimeter up at most points on my arm. Sigh. So I guess I need to get more aggressive with my bandaging. Great.
It's a pain, but its okay. I can deal with it. That's life, and it could be so much worse. I'm grateful that at least I know to be on guard for this and can spot it as it happens. I've been given the tools to deal with it too, which is something that many women do not have. In any event, any prayers that you all could lift for me on this would be greatly appreciated.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Being grateful
One song I enjoy running to is Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger." I've always believed that to be true in life. Each situation we face makes us adapt, change and grow to deal with and, hopefully, overcome it.
I spent several years working with an birth education and advocacy group, The International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN). My involvement grew out of my own bad experience with Olivier's cesearan birth in 1999. As I became more aware of the physiological and political issues surrounding the birth industry, I was able to go on to have two amazing home births with Isabelle and Jean-Marc. I got involved in ICAN, a group that I found much support and information from during my subsequent pregnancies. I like to think that I helped other women avoid some of the same mistakes that I made the first time around. My cesarean experience definitely made me stronger, but it took me a long time to get to the point of saying that I was grateful for that experience. But now, I can honestly say that I am grateful for my cesarean and for the person it forced me to become.
A new friend, (who found me through this blog), mentioned an interview with "Soul Surfer" Bethany Hamilton. Bethany was asked if she could do her life over, would she have not gone surfing that day or gotten out of the water before the shark came? And she said, "No", because she has been able to reach so many more people to tell them about her faith and God's love than she ever would have if she'd remained a normal surfer girl.
That got me to thinking...will I ever be able to say that I am grateful for my cancer? Maybe not grateful, but would I ever wish that it didn't happen to me if I could have it all to do over?
Honestly, I don't know right now. Sometimes I look back on what I went through and it doesn't even seem real. Did that really happen to me? It doesn't take long before I have a glance in the mirror and see my scarred body to confirm that, yes, it did.
If it weren't for the lingering specter of recurrence, I probably could get to the point of being grateful someday. Even with the lymphedema that will always be an issue in my life, I could probably get to that point. But the thought of the cancer coming back at any time really plays games with your head, because its never really over.
That being said, I can think of some things that I appreciate having gone through cancer and treatment that I would not have necessarily experienced if I did not have the experience. First of all, I have been able to experience the love, care and keeping of God in a way I never had before. It was experiential at times. It was palpable. I think of my biopsy or my surgery, when I could actually feel the presence of the Lord with me, keeping me, whispering scripture into my mind to bring me peace and calm.
I learned through experience that God's promises in the Bible are true. Things like, "I will not leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5-6) Or the promise from Joshua 1:9 that I wore on a necklace to every chemotherapy appointment: "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Even simple things like being able to sleep at night because "He gives to His beloved sleep." (Psalm 127:2) I KNOW these things are true because He did them for me. Based on that, I can rest assured that the rest of the promises in the Bible are true as well. (Which really puts one in a place of peace during these crazy times.) Even if the cancer comes back and is what ultimately makes this body die, I know based on the promises in His Word where I'll be, because "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8)
Another thing I appreciate is the fellowship of other breast cancer survivors. What an amazing bunch of people they are! Most of them not only have or are going through treatment, but they all try to help others in some way. Many do help through participating in walks or events and raising money for cancer charities. Others have informative blogs, or give back by volunteering to help run support groups and working one on one with women as they go through treatment. We don't all see eye to eye on all issues related to breast cancer, treatment, pink ribbons, etc. But we all respect each other's experience and I always feel a genuine warmth from all of them.
Having had breast cancer has certainly put the women in my family on alert, as well as many of my friends and acquaintances. If it could happen to me at 40, it can happen to anyone. Hopefully this heightened awareness will lead every woman to check her breasts regularly, know what they feel like, know what is normal so if there are any changes, she can alert her care providers immediately. I believe that is even more important than mammograms. (Remember...I had a "clean" mammogram a month before I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer!)
While I will never reach the celebrity of Bethany Hamilton, I hope that my experience has reached out and helped others. I hope that people can see evidence of God's love through my experience and be strengthened in their own faith.
So while I am not "grateful" that I had cancer, I am beginning to see how God has used it for good purposes. I know that He works all things together for the good (Romans 28:8). I pray that this list of things that I have come to appreciate grows as I reflect on the past 25 months and move forward in my "post-cancer" life.
I spent several years working with an birth education and advocacy group, The International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN). My involvement grew out of my own bad experience with Olivier's cesearan birth in 1999. As I became more aware of the physiological and political issues surrounding the birth industry, I was able to go on to have two amazing home births with Isabelle and Jean-Marc. I got involved in ICAN, a group that I found much support and information from during my subsequent pregnancies. I like to think that I helped other women avoid some of the same mistakes that I made the first time around. My cesarean experience definitely made me stronger, but it took me a long time to get to the point of saying that I was grateful for that experience. But now, I can honestly say that I am grateful for my cesarean and for the person it forced me to become.
A new friend, (who found me through this blog), mentioned an interview with "Soul Surfer" Bethany Hamilton. Bethany was asked if she could do her life over, would she have not gone surfing that day or gotten out of the water before the shark came? And she said, "No", because she has been able to reach so many more people to tell them about her faith and God's love than she ever would have if she'd remained a normal surfer girl.
That got me to thinking...will I ever be able to say that I am grateful for my cancer? Maybe not grateful, but would I ever wish that it didn't happen to me if I could have it all to do over?
Honestly, I don't know right now. Sometimes I look back on what I went through and it doesn't even seem real. Did that really happen to me? It doesn't take long before I have a glance in the mirror and see my scarred body to confirm that, yes, it did.
If it weren't for the lingering specter of recurrence, I probably could get to the point of being grateful someday. Even with the lymphedema that will always be an issue in my life, I could probably get to that point. But the thought of the cancer coming back at any time really plays games with your head, because its never really over.
That being said, I can think of some things that I appreciate having gone through cancer and treatment that I would not have necessarily experienced if I did not have the experience. First of all, I have been able to experience the love, care and keeping of God in a way I never had before. It was experiential at times. It was palpable. I think of my biopsy or my surgery, when I could actually feel the presence of the Lord with me, keeping me, whispering scripture into my mind to bring me peace and calm.
I learned through experience that God's promises in the Bible are true. Things like, "I will not leave you or forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5-6) Or the promise from Joshua 1:9 that I wore on a necklace to every chemotherapy appointment: "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Even simple things like being able to sleep at night because "He gives to His beloved sleep." (Psalm 127:2) I KNOW these things are true because He did them for me. Based on that, I can rest assured that the rest of the promises in the Bible are true as well. (Which really puts one in a place of peace during these crazy times.) Even if the cancer comes back and is what ultimately makes this body die, I know based on the promises in His Word where I'll be, because "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8)
Another thing I appreciate is the fellowship of other breast cancer survivors. What an amazing bunch of people they are! Most of them not only have or are going through treatment, but they all try to help others in some way. Many do help through participating in walks or events and raising money for cancer charities. Others have informative blogs, or give back by volunteering to help run support groups and working one on one with women as they go through treatment. We don't all see eye to eye on all issues related to breast cancer, treatment, pink ribbons, etc. But we all respect each other's experience and I always feel a genuine warmth from all of them.
Having had breast cancer has certainly put the women in my family on alert, as well as many of my friends and acquaintances. If it could happen to me at 40, it can happen to anyone. Hopefully this heightened awareness will lead every woman to check her breasts regularly, know what they feel like, know what is normal so if there are any changes, she can alert her care providers immediately. I believe that is even more important than mammograms. (Remember...I had a "clean" mammogram a month before I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer!)
While I will never reach the celebrity of Bethany Hamilton, I hope that my experience has reached out and helped others. I hope that people can see evidence of God's love through my experience and be strengthened in their own faith.
So while I am not "grateful" that I had cancer, I am beginning to see how God has used it for good purposes. I know that He works all things together for the good (Romans 28:8). I pray that this list of things that I have come to appreciate grows as I reflect on the past 25 months and move forward in my "post-cancer" life.
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