Mad hatter

I wore a hat all day today for the first time.

I've always liked the look of hats, but been too chicken to really wear one myself. Women who wore hats seemed to have a particular flair and sophistication. Something that I never felt I could pull off. I don't have a whole lot of choice now. This cancer thing is pushing me into zones I wasn't comfortable in before.

Another issue with hats is that there is no hairline. It can look weird (there is that word again) to have a hat perched on a hairline-less head. I've purchased a few wide headbands that I could wear to conceal that and create a line. Today, I just put the hat on my head and was done with it. It felt okay. I wore makeup and earrings which helped the confidence factor. Something about lipstick, you know?

Physically, things are going great. As predicted, I was pretty sore from the pilates on Monday. I have Exercise TV on my cable's On Demand system. There are dozens of exercise modes with hundreds of workouts to choose from. Today I did a 20 minute pilates just to get a little exercise in there. I'm going to try and do pilates 3 times a week on top of the cardio I do pretty much every day.

My taste buds are pretty much back to normal as well. That metallic taste has faded. Funny, that taste doesn't seem to make me want to eat less! I'm learning to load up on veggies and legumes and consider meat as a side dish, if anything. I wrote yesterday about how much I'm coming to appreciate cabbage. I could also devote a whole post to beans! And no, they do not give me gas. (TMI? Maybe, but that is the first thing that people mention when I rave about my new found love of beans!)

I had a funny conversation with a friend of mine, a guy friend. We were at the elementary school and a mom walked by with purple highlights in her hair...in a shade that matched her shirt. I commented that her hair matched her shirt. I also noted that I notice two things a lot lately on other people...hair and boobs. A few seconds went by and he said, "Now you know how its been with me all this time." Too funny! But its true. I can't help but notice this on other women. Okay, gals...don't feel self conscious next time you see me. I really won't be looking at your chest, I swear! I talked with another survivor who would go up to women and actually ask them their bra size as she was considering her reconstruction options. It's funny how you lose the shyness about it when you are so focused on it medically.

So I'm just living life until my next round of chemo, which is October 1st. (A week from Friday.) What a way to kick off breast cancer awareness month, eh? Speaking of that, I got a really cool travel mug today at Supercuts of all places. It's black with 4 or 5 rows of rhinestones at the top. It says "Fight Like a Girl" with pink boxing gloves on it. I couldn't pass it up. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff right now. Maybe I'll get sick of it. But for now, I'm digging it. It's my first BCA month being "in the club" that I never thought I would be in. I think back to last October when I was looking at my40th birthday. How life can change in 12 months! I wonder what life will look like in October 2011?

The enemy of my enemy...

It has been said that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Cancer is my enemy. Not just my own cancer, but potential cancers in the bodies of my family.

As I'm learning about how the nutrients in the food we eat can help us fight cancer, I've discovered a new friend....cabbage.

I was never one to eat much cabbage before. I'd have cole slaw as a side dish sometimes. But since I was dieting last year, I'd even avoid that since it was usually swimming in mayonnaise. There was a good recipie on Jillian Michael's website for a Mexican coleslaw that I would make from time to time.

Get what great things cabbage can do: (taken from "The Cancer Fighting Kitchen" by Rebecca Katz)

Cabbage: Anti-inflammatory, antibacterial. Cabbage, along with cruciferous kin such as cauliflower, kale, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, bok choy, and turnips is extremely high in anticancer phytochemicals. One such property, indole-3-carbinol (called I3C for short), nearly doubles how quickly the liver can break down estrogen so it doesn't remain in the body. Cooking cabbage for the right amount of time (in other words, not too long) is important to retain a compound called sinigrin, which reacts with an enzyme to release molecules that detoxify carcinogens and inhibit the division and growth of tumor cells.

Isn't that enough reason to give cabbage a whirl? I had a 1/2 head of red cabbage that I didn't know what to do with. In the past, it would have just rotted in the bottom of my fridge until I got around to tossing it out. I found an easy recipe online that I modified a bit. It called for sugar, which I didn't add. Simply slice 1/2 of a red onion (or a whole one if its small) and sauté it in a little bit of extra virgin olive oil and a pinch of salt. Add the sliced or shredded cabbage and about 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar and sauté until it gets a little wilted. Voila!

Now I need to get my family eating cabbage. Eric is a bit prejudiced against it, which doesn't help set a good example for the kids. I found a scalloped cabbage recipie online that he liked. I'm not sure how nutritionally sound it was, since it baked a long time. I'm going to keep trying, because cabbage is my new friend.

Winds through the stubble

I need to find another word for "weird" and "bizarre." I find myself using those adjectives way too much. But they pretty much are my life right now. They describe a new normal that I keep finding new aspects to.

I went outside (in the backyard) today without anything on my head for the first time. It wasn't for very long. In fact, covering my head completely slipped my mind. I just wanted to get Jean-Marc outside to kick some balls around. He loves doing that, and I needed to kill some time with him. If we were to stay in the house, he would start begging me, "eat, eat." It was a good hour before any reasonable dinnertime for him. So we went outside. (No worries about sun-it is a shady yard in the late afternoon).

I still have some stubble on my head, and to feel the breeze through it was...you guessed it! WEIRD!

I had a physical therapy appointment this afternoon. This was with a different therapist up here at the Kaiser facility in San Marcos. I was very happy to go, especially after the tingling arm scare this weekend. She started out by measuring my hand and arm to compare them with the measurements taken last month. They were a little bit bigger, but not by much. She wasn't really concerned about it. I just need to always keep a constant eye on my arm, wrist, hand and fingers to be on the lookout for any swelling. Especially since I wear my wedding rings on my left hand.

She went on to do some manual lymphatic drainage and described the technique as she did it on me. Its a very light touch. Calling it a "massage" is almost a misnomer. You start at your collarbone doing circular motions down and up. The idea is that you want to move the fluid away from the left armpit and towards the heart. From there, the heart can pass it to the kidneys and you basically urinate the bad stuff out. (Lovely, huh? Hey--your body does it too! It just doesn't need the help!) From the collarbone, you move down in the abdominal area, then to the hip crease/groin. Then diagonally down from the waistline to the groin, the left armpit to waist, then groin. That is the pathway that is most important-you want to show the body where to put that fluid on the left side...away from the armpit to the lymph nodes in the groin. After that, you move to the upper arm, elbow, forearm, wrist then fingers. Deep abdominal breathing helps move the fluid around as well. I'm supposed to do this 1 or 2 times a day.

She also worked on the cording on my left armpit. That was a little uncomfortable because it required her to really stretch the arm out and manipulate it around until the scar tissue would pop a little bit. I just focused on my breath and was fine. She said I had a really good range of motion and that the scar tissue looked really good everywhere. I'm glad to hear that, because it looks like a freak show to me.

I really liked this therapist a lot. She seems more low intervention than the one I saw before. She didn't think I needed a compression sleeve and gauntlet at this point. I told her I wanted to have one on hand in case the need did arise and she was fine putting in an order for two of them at the Women's Health boutique.

I asked her about using light hand weights to do some circuit training. I've been itching to get back to more upper body work. At this point, she said the weight of my own arm is enough of a challenge. (I thought...NOT!) Perhaps after all of my chemo and radiation I could start out with some very light weights. I'm just going to have to settle for getting exercise another way for awhile. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get back to the muscle tone in my arms that I had before the surgery. But at least I'm alive! Praise God for that and the strength that He has provided me.

I did some pilates this morning. Ouch. I'm going to be sore. I definitely need to do that more often. The core work is incomparable. This workout did a little bit of cardio which consisted of some ballet moves, which brought me back to my childhood doing demi-plies, grand plies, and eleves. The hardest part was the mat work on the floor for the abs. Oh. My. Gosh. It was killer. I was glad it was only 30 minutes! It was hard, but if I do it more, I'll be so strong in the middle. I think I'm going to go for it. My abs have gotten a bit soft since my surgery. I haven't gained any weight, per se. But considering I had all my breast tissue removed, I should have lost a few pounds through that. So I think I did put on a bit, even though the scale does not reveal it. I also went on a power walk with friends after we dropped the kids off at school. We didn't do the "big" hill, but it was enough to get the blood flowing.

I am definitely due for a long visit at the Women's Health Boutique. I need to get fitted for the compression sleeve, but also for post-mastectomy bras and foobies! (Foobies=prosthetic/fake breasts that slip inside a pocket in the bra.) I've been going without anything for a few weeks now. No bra, no camisole. It would be nice to have a more feminine form though sometimes. So bring on the foobs!

My prayer requests:

• That I do not develop lymphedema. I just don't want to go there. Having to wear really tight compression garments all the time, no way.
• That the chemo drugs are effective against any renegade cancer cells. Someone at church yesterday asked me if there was anything he could pray about for me. He has sat near me on and off for a few years. I don't think he's that involved in the fellowship-he drives down from LA a few times a month to visit his mom. I guess the scarf on the head didn't give it away, because when I said he could pray that the chemo does its job, he was shocked. It's good to know that wearing a scarf on your head for 2 weeks in a row doesn't flash 'CANCER PATIENT' in neon lights to the world.
• That the stubble on my head just fall out. The good news is that the sores on my head have stopped appearing and it isn't irritating as it was last week. Answer to prayer, right there! Thank you, faithful saints!

Tingling...should I be worried?

I think my left arm has been tingling on and off all day. I'm concerned that this may be a sign of lymphatic fluid buildup, or lymphedema. I don't notice any swelling. Just the cold and tingling feeling. Anyone out there who has experience with this...is this a sign of it?

Maybe I'm imagining it. You know when you focus on something, you can actually start to make it a reality.

I actually took today off from working out. The kids and I worked a little bit on picking up the house today. I'll fess up...I did do a little bit of spot vacuuming and mopping downstairs. I made the kids do it all upstairs, though! The post-operative instructions I got 8+ weeks ago said not to vacuum for 6 months. But it seems like such a small and simple task to do. After all, I'm able to do so much physically. Plus, I used my right arm most of the time. But maybe I did overdo it. I don't know.

I have a physical therapy appointment on Monday to begin to learn lymphatic massage. That will help me be able to move the fluid around. I am grateful to be going so I can have the therapist check me out, take measurements, and see if my wrist arm and hand have gotten any larger since my first appointment a few weeks ago. I also have the exercises the physical therapist gave me that I can do twice a day. I haven't been 100% faithful at doing them, although I did do them last night and this morning. You can bet I'll be doing them from now on.

My prayer requests:

• That this tingling feeling go away, that any and all lymph fluid that needs to drain from my left arm do so immediately.

Looks

Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe I'm not as comfortable going out post-hair loss as I thought. But I feel like everyone is looking at me, giving me looks.

I notice it a lot with kids, even my own. The one exception is Jean-Marc. He doesn't seem to notice my fuzzy stubbly head. At the school yard, I see kids who know Isabelle giving me sideways, curious glances. It's normal, I suppose. Kids are curious. What do they know about cancer? Maybe they even think that they can catch the disease.

I notice it with adults too. I get a variety of looks from them. There is the "pity" look. "Oh you poor thing." I really don't like that one. I don't want to be pitied. I'm strong, I'm going to beat this thing. In a group of women, there is the look of relief. At least one in eight of us is going to be diagnosed with breast cancer. If I have it, that means 7 others are in the clear. They've dodged the bullet, at least for now.

I'm not throwing stones from a glass house. Heck, I even give myself a startled look when I look in a mirror. Mornings are the most bizarre. After a night of sleep, I stumble into the bathroom feeling like I did every other morning of my life. Maybe I slept well, maybe I didn't. It's even worse when I actually did get a good night of sleep. Then I look into the mirror and see a stranger who looks like she's been in a prisoner camp. A few deep breaths and I can go on. I just shake my head. Right. That's me with breast cancer.

Why should I care, anyway? I was at Costco yesterday and saw one woman who really deserved some looks. You see people in crazy get ups, hairdos and makeup all the time. They go out boldly like they look like a million bucks. I'm not talking about teenagers who make a point of trying to get attention by bizarre getups. At least I have a good excuse for my alternate look.

I feel petty and superficial for even blogging about this. But its something that I've been noticing and I do want to document this journey. It definitely is a lesson about how truly superficial outward appearances are.

Enough of that topic.

Today is a good day. I was able to do a Jillian DVD exactly 1 week after my second round of chemo. I've managed to get some form of exercise each day this week. Even on Monday, my "tired" day, I went for a power walk. I'm sure that keeping up the exercise is helping me get through this. I can't do what I did before my surgery, but I am doing what I can and pushing it where I can. I may have overdone it a bit yesterday with the pushups, though. I've had some shooting pains in my left incision area. So I'll back off on that for awhile. Darn!

It has been a busy week and I am looking forward to taking the kids out for frozen yogurt after school. Jean-Marc is still suffering from a runny nose. I'm thankful that I haven't had any symptoms. My taste buds are a bit strange, but that metallic taste seems to be fading a little bit. I bought an electric razor today to take care of the stubble on my head.

My prayer requests:

• That Jean-Marc get over this cold without anyone else in the house getting it.
• That the sores on my head go away. Let me bald gracefully, please!
• That cancer cells be killed by the chemo. Let this all be worth what I'm having to go through to get to the other side.

Head games

My head is driving me nuts. In more ways than one.

Let's start on the outside. The hair has stopped falling out. The hairs that are left have decided to stay for awhile and flourish. I've also got itchy bumps all over my scalp. I don't know if it is a side effect from the chemo, or if it is related to the hair falling out, or if I just have a pimply head. Gross. In any event, it itches and is irritating. Kaiser gave me a resource booklet with a recipe for "itchy scalp" paste, which is basically just a baking soda paste. You mix baking soda and water until its the consistency of a brownie mix, put it on your head, and let it be anywhere from 5 to 120 minutes. It feels really good while its on. The hairs that are left have decided to grow like crazy, too. It's really weird. I took a pair of clippers to them yesterday just to tame them a bit. (Don't worry Sheila, I didn't press hard to mess up the follicle. I just lightly trimmed them without even touching the scalp much!)

It's ridiculous. I wish they would just fall out and be gone.

On the inside, I'm finding myself very impatient and annoyed. When I look at the calendar, that's not a huge surprise. I was supposed to start my period 5 days ago. I've been pretty irregular since my diagnosis, probably due to stress. Now throw chemo in the mix, and my hormones are totally out of whack. Chemo is very likely to put me into menopause, so I don't even know if I will have another period. But I've definitely noticed hormonal mood swings. I never was one to have many of them, but I've got 'em now!

Poor Jean-Marc. He just had to turn two while I'm going through all of this. He's doing what every two year old does...challenges his primary caregiver. He doesn't like the word "NO" and has perfected the art of Chinese water torture: drip; drip; drip. If he wants something, he will incessantly bug me over and over and over until I relent. But I can't do that, otherwise, he learns that is the way to get stuff. It is over the top--this morning, he wanted ice cream at breakfast! He asked me "i-seem? i-seem?" When Eric walked in, he said "Glass..glass?" ("Glace" is ice cream in French) You can imagine what that does for my frame of mind. Can you say...insanity??? I love him to pieces, but right now he is kind of difficult for me to be around. Mom took him for a grandma day today, which blessed both Jean-Marc and me.

It has been an insanely busy week as well. It's part of that time of the year, I suppose, with back to school stuff. Not to mention the kids activities. We've had stuff going on every night this week, which has really messed up family dinners. Most nights, everyone has been on their own to scrounge leftovers. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend. Except for Sunday afternoon, when Olivier has to go sell boy scout popcorn in front of Albertsons! At least that is something Eric is going to take him on.

One of the fruits of the spirit is long suffering. God is definitely developing that in me right now!

I'm feeling okay physically. I've had some feelings of dizziness. Yesterday it was when I would be squatting down and then getting up. Jean-Marc and I went to a fun mommy and me class and I had a few times when I had to take a few deep breaths. It would have been something for the lady with the scarf on her head to hit the floor! I went to the gym today, mindful of the dizziness. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical and about 30 minutes on the recumbent bike. Before I stretched out, I tried doing some push ups. Before my surgery, I was able to do nearly 100 push ups during the course of a Jillian workout. Today, it was hard to do 2 sets of 10. But I did them!

My prayer requests:

• That the remaining hair fall out and that these sores go away. I've come to terms with being bald. Now I just want to get there. (Gee...sounds impatient, doesn't it?)
• That I be able to be more patient with myself and everyone around me. That my hormones find some kind of balance so I don't flip out on stupid minor stuff. For example, I got all mad at Eric yesterday because he didn't want raw cabbage in his salad at lunch! What was that all about??
• That the chemotherapy do what it is supposed to do and kill any nasty cancer cells that are trying to replicate.
• That Jean-Marc's runny nose stop. I don't know if its allergies or a cold. I'm not catching it, and my white blood cell count is supposed to be low right now. So it may be allergies. Regardless, he's got a runny nose and its gross, not to mention it bugs him too and makes him uncomfortable.
• That everyone in my family stay healthy so I can recover from the last round of chemo and move forward.

Shock and awe

I made quite a splash in my wig yesterday. Thank you to everyone for the sweet comments and compliments. It made me feel great. My best girlfriend Kelly and I would joke in high school about how cool it would be if everyone were bald and all you had to do in the morning was put on your wig. You know, there is something to be said for that now having lived it! My wig is what I always wished my hair would do, but it was fine and flat and would only look that way for about an hour after leaving the salon! Who knows what it will be when it grows back next Spring/Summer?

It will take some getting used to, though. After a couple hours it did get itchy and tight. I just wanted to get it OFF. I don't want to wear it every day, I like the scarf look too. I haven't even begun to really experiment with hats. It is kind of fun to be able to dramatically change your look every day. It keeps everyone on their toes. Who knows what Tonya will look like today?

So that was the shock.

Now for the awe.

Several people have said to me in the past couple days about how well I'm doing. Even that I've never looked better. When I think about it, I am surprised about it as well. I woke up a bit early this morning and as I lay in bed was pondering about this. What am I doing that is making it not so awful? Don't get me wrong-it is not easy. I'm not breezing through this. It definitely is a daily struggle and there are physical issues that I deal with all the time. But I'm not feeling like I got hit by a truck, and a part of me thinks that I should.

Then it hit me. Duh! The reason I am doing how I'm doing has nothing to do with me. It all has to do with the Lord. HE is the one that is showering me with blessing and grace. I'm not doing anything. It's all HIM. The Bible says, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) I am in awe of how God prepared me physically and spiritually for this trial. I am in awe of how I have seen Him work in the midst of it. I don't believe in luck or coincidence. I believe in divine providence, which reminds me of what I learned during my Esther bible study a year ago. (See--more preparation!) I firmly believe that God will not put a trial in your path that he will not equip and empower you to see through. There are purposes in all of this that He wants. Purposes that are for our own good. To make us better, more like Him. We may not understand what His purposes are, nor should we. His ways are higher than ours. I'm not boasting in me, but in the Lord. All I can do is look up and praise Him for all that He is doing in my life and in the lives of those around me, even in the midst of breast cancer.

I'm also in awe about how the Lord has placed me in the body of Christ. I know I am being lifted up in prayer, supported by the saints around me. They, in turn, are being His hands and feet in this trial to bring me through.

I'm a fan of the TV show, "So You Think You Can Dance." Last summer, there was a beautiful piece by coreographer Travis Wall called "Fix You." It was based on his own mother's battle with disease. I think it was some form of cancer, I'm not sure. Anyway, the male dancer in the piece is supposed to be him, and the female, his mother. If you have a few moments, here it is. It really is beautiful. Notice at the end, how she puts her feet on her son's, and he walks her through to the end of the piece, presumably (we hope) toward healing. I feel that way about this trial, although my feet are being guided by The Son, Jesus. I can lean on Him completely and let Him guide me and trust that He will heal me. I have an eternal guarantee! Check it out:

Simply put, I am once again in awe of the Lord and His ways. My life is in His hands, and I am at perfect peace with where He has led me thus far. I trust in Him and am filled.

Love and blessings to you all!