Round Four ... done!

I just got back from my fourth of six rounds of chemotherapy.

This one took a little longer.  I am now a frequent visitor of the lab at Kaiser.  I had a bit of time to kill between dropping Isabelle off at 8 a.m. and my chemo appointment at 9 a.m.  So I went to Discovery lake for a quick walk/run.  I ended up running 2 laps and walking 1 as a warm up/cool down.  Not bad for 30 minutes, I thought.  I broke just a light sweat and remind my metabolism not to plummet, which was all I wanted to do since I had to go have chemo.

I was stretching out a bit by my car when I got a call from the chemo nurse. Apparently, the blood draw from yesterday they missed doing a liver function and creatinine panel. They only did a CBC. Great.  So I got myself over there quickly and was back up at the lab for another poke and another $10 co-pay. (Yes, that tangled mess of insurance just got another twist in it).  I was on time for the chemo appointment, but had to wait about an hour for the results to come in.  Time for some Angry Birds!!

Because of the snafus this week, I had a complete blood count done 3 times this week. One a week ago (10/15), one yesterday (10/21) and then today (10/22). The nurse let me look at the results of my CBC's after she mentioned that my white count was pretty high.  She asked if I had been taking the prescribed steroid, which I had. 3 doses before this morning's draw.  A week ago, my WBC was at 2.0, which is low. Yesterday, it was back up to 5.8. This morning, it was at a whopping 11.5! The nurse said it was because of the steroid. A high WBC count indicates that your body is trying to fight off something.  If it hadn't been the jump between yesterday and today, I would have thought maybe it was the flu shots. But that impact should be waning, and this was double over 24 hours!

The counts from last Friday are all lower. She said that was probably my "nadir point," which basically means my lowest point. On that day, even my red blood cell count was marked as low, just under the low end of the range. I asked for a printout of it and there is a lot of data on this sheet.  Abbrevations that I'm going to want to look up just to see.  The bottom line, though, is that as of today I was okay to get the chemo.   Oh, and the liver and kidney functions were normal too.  Sigh.  What's another poke, anyway?

Bring it ON!

Treatment itself went without incident.  I watched some news, read some Psalms, and played more Angry Birds. I drank 3 thermoses filled with water.  As I sat there, I couldn't help but overhearing other patients. It could be so much worse. The lady next to me was discussing with the nurse about how she has to go in every 3 weeks for chemo until next MAY!  And she had been going since last May. Granted, she was out quicker than I was.  But still. She will be doing this for months after I am done.

Chemo puts you on this life-cycle where you no longer think of life by the normal calendar. Every time you get a new event, you think....okay. Where does that put me on the chemo calendar?  Will I be at risk of infection?  Will I have taste buds? Mouth sores?  Eyebrows?  Life is just revolves around that chemotherapy wheel.  It goes around, around, around.  Chemo today, Cipro on Tuesday, wash your hands, wash your hands, round and around, blood draw, oncologist, round and around.

I want to share a quick verse I read this morning while taxotere was dripping into my veins. I may have shared it in the past, but it was so spot on while I was actually having chemotherapy:

Excerpts from Psalm 37
Do not fret because of evildoers,
Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity.
For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,
And wither as the green herb.  (vv 1-2)

For evildoers shall be cut off;
But those who wait on the Lord,
They shall inherit the earth.
For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more. (vv. 9-10)

The whole psalm is great, but these verses just brought comfort to my heart like nothing else. This cancer will be cut down like the grass and DIE. For a little while they are here, but if I am patient and wait, they shall be no more. We will look for them carefully later (scans, blood tests, etc), but they shall be no more.  I'm going to take this promise to heart and rest in it.  Thank you Lord for ministering to me this morning!

My prayer requests:

• That I cope with the after effects of this round of chemo without too much discomfort, fatigue, etc. I would like to have more patience with my family for the next few days. I have found myself to be kind of impatient and nasty. I don't want to be that way.  I want to reflect the patience and peace of Jesus. 
• That I have the energy on Sunday to do the event with the Chargers. Even though I don't know any one else, I'm really looking forward to it.  
• Travel mercies for my family.  Jared is spending his last night in Iraq tonight and will be coming back to the USA tomorrow. Mom and dad are on their way to Georgia as I type this. God is good!

A Psalm for going into chemotherapy

 ¹ Plead my cause, O LORD, with those who strive with me;
         Fight against those who fight against me.  (cancer cells)
 ² Take hold of shield and buckler,
         And stand up for my help.
 ³ Also draw out the spear, 
(the cytoxan, taxotere, and Your mighty power)
         And stop those who pursue me.  (cancer cells)
         Say to my soul,
         “I am your salvation.”  
(Thank you Lord, no matter what, I know I am saved)
      
 ⁴ Let those be put to shame and brought to dishonor
         Who seek after my life;
         Let those be turned back and brought to confusion 
(I love the image of these cells being confused into destruction!)
         Who plot my hurt.
 ⁵ Let them be like chaff before the wind,
         And let the angel of the LORD chase them.
 ⁶ Let their way be dark and slippery,
         And let the angel of the LORD pursue them.
 ⁷ For without cause they have hidden their net for me in a pit,
         Which they have dug without cause for my life.  
(Yes, cancer is trying to kill me, has been for awihle before I knew it)
 ⁸ Let destruction come upon him unexpectedly,
         And let his net that he has hidden catch himself;
         Into that very destruction let him fall.  
(Yes, but we have turned it around on them..we cut out as many with the surgeons knife, and now we are after them with poison. Thank you God for the medical team and technology that You have allowed to be developed)
      
 ⁹ And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD;
         It shall rejoice in His salvation.       
(Yes, regardless of the trial, I am able to rejoice in the Lord. His joy is my strength)
 ¹⁰ All my bones shall say,
         “LORD, who is like You,
         Delivering the poor from him who is too strong for him,
         Yes, the poor and the needy from him who plunders him?”
      
 ¹¹ Fierce witnesses rise up;
         They ask me things that I do not know.
 ¹² They reward me evil for good,
         To the sorrow of my soul.
 ¹³ But as for me, when they were sick,
         My clothing was sackcloth;
         I humbled myself with fasting;
         And my prayer would return to my own heart.
 ¹⁴ I paced about as though he were my friend or brother;
         I bowed down heavily, as one who mourns for his mother.
      
 ¹⁵ But in my adversity they rejoiced
         And gathered together;
         Attackers gathered against me,
         And I did not know it;
         They tore at me and did not cease;
 ¹⁶ With ungodly mockers at feasts
         They gnashed at me with their teeth.
      
 ¹⁷ Lord, how long will You look on?
         Rescue me from their destructions,
         My precious life from the lions. 
(Yes Lord, rescue me from this disease if it is Your will. I know you are in control and able.)
 ¹⁸ I will give You thanks in the great assembly;
         I will praise You among many people.
      
 ¹⁹ Let them not rejoice over me who are wrongfully my enemies;
         Nor let them wink with the eye who hate me without a cause.
 ²⁰ For they do not speak peace,
         But they devise deceitful matters
         Against the quiet ones in the land.
 ²¹ They also opened their mouth wide against me,
         And said, “Aha, aha!
         Our eyes have seen it.”
      
 ²² This You have seen, O LORD;
         Do not keep silence.
         O Lord, do not be far from me.
I cannot imagine going through this without You near me Lord. You are always there. When I cannot feel you it is because I have wandered away. But you are faithful to wait for me to come back with open and loving arms, my Abba.)


 ²³ Stir up Yourself, and awake to my vindication,
         To my cause, my God and my Lord.
 ²⁴ Vindicate me, O LORD my God, according to Your righteousness;
         And let them not rejoice over me.
 ²⁵ Let them not say in their hearts, “Ah, so we would have it!”
         Let them not say, “We have swallowed him up.”
      
 ²⁶ Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
         Who rejoice at my hurt;
         Let them be clothed with shame and dishonor
         Who exalt themselves against me.
      
 ²⁷ Let them shout for joy and be glad,
         Who favor my righteous cause;
         And let them say continually,
         “Let the LORD be magnified,
         Who has pleasure in the prosperity of His servant.” 


(This goes for all of you on my "team." Be glad all you who are favoring my cause through prayer, practical help, and kindness.  There are so many "little" things that people have done for my family and I since June. I am so thankful for you. Keep it coming, we aren't through this yet. But through this time, it is my prayer that the Lord will be magnified in your heart and that you can see Him working in this situation.  Anything good in it is a gift from Him. He is in control, on His throne. I trust Him with everything.  Do you?


 ²⁸ And my tongue shall speak of Your righteousness
         And of Your praise all the day long. (Psalm 35, New King James Version)  


Amen!  We are not "rightous" or "good people" apart from the saving work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Only God is good to begin with.  And he sacrificed on the cross (Read Psalm 22) so to give us that gift. Thank you Jesus for bringing me into your grace so I may call myself your child. I will praise you all the day long, even with an IV stuck in my arm!

An interesting mix

I did something interesting at the gym today. I played my "purchased" playlist on shuffle. I never knew what song was coming up next. One song would be a contemporary worship band like Kutless singing "We Bow Down" the next would be a bizarre bluegrass version of "Auld Lange Syne."  (That was from a free iTunes holiday mix I downloaded last year!) Add some random Madonna and Lady Gaga (when did I BUY those??) and it made for a fun workout.   And I KICKED BUTT at the gym today.  It is strange the day before chemo. My heart rate is slightly elevated, even though I feel normal.  Even more strange, the elevated heart rate does not transfer over to my perceived exertion. So my heart rate reads at 150 (which is about 80-80% of my target heart rate zone), but I feel like I'm at about 135 and could run forever.  So I kept upping the speed on my running intervals. It felt great. I sweat so much that I had to change my bandanna because it was dripping! Ick! But cool. Very good for my pre-chemo workout. I left feeling stronger than ever. Thank you Lord for that blessing!

The rest of the day was an interesting mix as well.

I had a bit of a stressful time in the car dropping kids off this morning. We had to take the dog because I was going to drop her off at the groomer before I went to Kaiser. Lucie HATES the car, so she was whining and barking. I couldn't wait to get her out. We drop the middle school boys off and start to go over the mountain on Twin Oaks Valley Road to drop Isabelle off at her friends. My low fuel light had gone on last night, and there aren't gas stations between our house and the middle school. So I needed to make it over the hill, and preferably get kids and pets sorted out first. But it was a big hill and I kept getting stopped at lights. So I started stressing out about running out of gas. Just as we reach the peak, Jean-Marc chimes in from the back seat saying "pee pee!  pee pee!"  Oh my goodness! What next? I didn't have the little potty in the car with me, but he was in a pull up. So if he had an accident, it would be a bummer, but not the end of the world. After dropping Isabelle off, I decided gas was more critical than getting the dog off first, so we went to the gas station with the dog barking and Jean-Marc chirping "pee pee! pee pee!" I was glad to be able to get out of the car to pump the gas!  When we got to the groomer, I asked if they had a bathroom we could use.  My little guy had stayed dry through all of that, and it had been at least 10-15 minutes! I was so proud of him!

We met my mom in the parking lot at Kaiser next. She was going to hang out with Jean-Marc while I did my pre-chemo day stuff.  She took him to Wal-Mart where she got me some really cool bandannas that I can wear to the gym. I love them!  

The lab visit went as expected. They drew blood for a CBC (complete blood count).  Then I had an hour to kill.  I have this new game for my iPhone called "Angry Birds" that a friend got me into. (You know who you are!) I found a big chair in a corner of the building and played that until it was time for me to see the oncologist, Dr. P.

The visit with Dr. P went without incident.  I was surprised to find out that my Vitamin D levels are very low. Imagine that, living in San Diego.  He told me to supplement 1,000 - 2,000 units daily. The blood counts were good, so I'm on for chemo tomorrow.  Round 4, here I come.

You know your administrative nightmare is bad if it is easier to work out a problem with the DMV!  I'm still in beauacratic hell with Kaiser over my deductible status.  Every lab visit, pharmacy pick up, and doctors appointment makes the mess more difficult to sort out.  They want the co-pays according to what their computer is telling them. Unfortunately, the computer is wrong!  I just paid the $10 at the lab and the $9.75 at the pharmacy. But when it came to the $70 for Dr. P, I tried to explain to the receptionist about it. She was really nice about it and gave me a financial responsibility form to sign. She suggested I go down to member services and talk to the boss in person. I thought that was a good idea.  I'll go down looking like a cancer patient and see if that motivates them to figure it out. This is the last thing I need as I go through this treatment!  I did get a voice mail from someone I spoke to on Tuesday and she said they are trying to sort it out and will call me on Tuesday or Wednesday. Lovely. I just hope I'm out of the chemo fog by then.  I had so wanted to get it worked out this week before then. Oh well.

As for the DMV, my license is set to expire next Tuesday. I sent my renewal in the 3rd week of August and they cashed the check. This week I spent 45 minutes on the phone trying to sort it out. As it turns out they put a "hold" on my renewal so they could run me through some national database to make sure I wasn't tagged for something that they could withhold my license for. Why did I get tagged for that? Anyway, that department is "backed up" and I was given a number to call.  A number that was perpetually busy. I finally got through this afternoon and talked to a person.  She lifted the hold on my license, but said it would take 4-6 weeks to get my actual license in the mail. What??!  My choices were either to have her issue a temporary and send it out today or go into my local DMV office.  Guess which choice I made?  In any event, it is apparently taken care of. Thank you Jesus for taking that off my plate!

I'm all set for chemo tomorrow. Eric is going to take the morning off to be a daddy since my mom is going to be on her way to greet Jared home from Iraq. (Thank you Jesus for that too!)  I'm actually looking forward to having 2-3 hours to myself, to read, listen to music....or try to bust through a few more levels in "Angry Birds."

My prayer requests:

• That chemo go well.  That I tolerate it as well as I have the first 3 rounds. That it does what it is supposed to do...KILL CANCER CELLS! 
• That I don't get totally wiped out this weekend.  In addition to the normal mom stuff, I have the Charger game thing ("A Crucial Catch") this Sunday and I'm hoping that I'm not completely wiped out on Monday. If you have time on Sunday, check out the Charger vs. Patriots game--especially the pre-game stuff and the anthem. I'm going to wear something pink and plaid on my head! 
• Travel mercies for Jared and my parents. They are going to Savannah, Georgia to greet him. We aren't sure exactly when Jared gets in--probably late Saturday night or early Sunday. 

Preparations, again

This Friday will be round #4 of chemotherapy. I find myself getting into "preparation" mode again on several levels.

It actually started last Friday with a visit to Kaiser. I got my blood drawn for a Vitamin D test and got my flu shot on the way out. (At Dr. P's recommendation). I was a little miffed to get my "results" of the blood draw online and see that they seemed to have made a mistake and drawn blood for a liver function panel and creatinine screen, but no Vitamin D results. That made me wonder if my lab appointment for this Thursday got switched and instead of the pre-chemo tests they would just do Vitamin D. That would potentially delay my chemo. That prompted a call to the lab this morning, which is no small feat. First, you have to leave a message and then wait for them to call you back. If you don't happen to be by the phone to catch the call, it's phone tag and you are IT. You get to start at the beginning and leave a message for them. I realized as I was taking Isabelle to school this morning that I had left my cell phone plugged in. Sure enough, by the time I got home, they had called. Fortunately, the second time was a charm and I did catch the call. As it turns out, they did draw for Vitamin D, the other tests were overkill and will be done as planned this Thursday before chemo.

Dr. P recommended the flu shot for everyone just to keep potential illness out of the house. The injection with the dead virus for me 2 weeks after chemo (which was last Friday). The kids got the nasal mist today. Yeah, I know some people don't agree with immunizations and particularly flu shots. If that works for you, cool. But I'm going to go with what the oncologist recommends. He's gotten me to this point pretty well, so I'm going to go with what he says. Please no comments second guessing this decision, okay? :-)

I'll go through my now-familiar Thursday pre-chemo routine in a few days. Blood draw at 9 a.m., pick up the refill of Cipro and a visit with Dr. P.

The insurance situation with Kaiser continues to be a mess. Kaiser re-coded policies and put me in a "new" plan as of September 1. A couple weeks ago, they had not carried over my out of pocket accumulations to the "new" plan, so I was being told by the providers that I had a huge co-pay. (I have a high deductible plan, but have more than met the family deductible this year). Last month, they told me to call back if I got a bill. Sure enough, I did. My concern is that the services I am being billed for since September 1 are not being adjusted correctly. Is Kaiser billing me as if I had not met the deductible? I can't figure it out from the statement. So I called that department today to check. It is so confusing that the woman I talked to had to have her manager look at the account to figure it out and will call me back tomorrow. What a pain!

There are other preparations I'm making this week as well. I want to get the dog groomed before Friday. She smells bad! I'm making a huge pot of "Chicken Magic Mineral Broth" from "The Cancer Fighting Kitchen." I've planned super nutritious meals for this week full of veggies, legumes and protein so I'm not nutritionally deficient on Friday. I'm doing my higher intensity workouts at the beginning of the week so I can take a day or two off later on. Working out also keeps me feeling strong, keeps my metabolism up, and keeps those happy endorphins flowing good and strong!

This round will be different because my mom and dad are going to be out of town. Mom has really picked up the slack for me at chemo time. It's good they are going--it means my brother Jared is coming home from his 3rd tour in Iraq!! But that means Eric will have to pick up my slack. He is going to take Thursday and Friday morning off so he can hang out with Jean-Marc while I'm at Kaiser getting treatment. I'm most concerned about Monday the 25th. Monday after chemo (day 4) has been my worst day each round. Last time, I rested Sunday afternoon. It helped, but I was still "blah" and foggy on Monday. This Sunday I have the Charger game, and I'm not planning on missing that!

Speaking of the Charger game, yesterday at the "Making Strides" walk, I was going into the area where the flagship sponsors had tents. We had to show a special wristband to get past some ropes. Anyway, the guy manning the rope said, "We'll see you next Sunday!" Turns out, he was from the American Cancer Society and is organizing the event at the Charger game. I was surprised he knew who I was when we hadn't been introduced.

Anyway, I'm feeling good and will be glad when I get to Friday. Then I will definitely be over the hump. 4 down, 2 to go.

My prayer requests:

• That I be strong spiritually. I've had a few instances in the past few days with fear. I ran across some stupid "tools" online for cancer survival. I should have just closed the page, but instead I put in my stats "just to see." I did not need to see survival statistics/mortality rates for people in my situation.  It freaks me out to think of myself as a statistic. I go along most of the time feeling like I'm going to beat this and then BAM! The possibility that I may have recurrence, metastatic stage IV, years of treatment pops into my head. I know that this is a form of spiritual warfare that the enemy is using on me. 
• That God would eradicate any cancer cells in my body. Just make them disappear. I was reading Psalm 29 this morning. In it, David is marveling at God's mighty power. He can certainly make cancer cells disappear if it is His will. 

In closing, I wanted to share one of the Psalms that I read this morining during my devotional time.  I found out later that part of it is set to music, "This is How We Overcome."

Psalm 30

 ¹ I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
         And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
 ² O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
         And You healed me.
 ³ O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
         You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
        
 ⁴ Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His,
         And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
 ⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
         His favor is for life;
         Weeping may endure for a night,
         But joy comes in the morning.
        
 ⁶ Now in my prosperity I said,
         “I shall never be moved.”
 ⁷ LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;
         You hid Your face, and I was troubled.
        
 ⁸ I cried out to You, O LORD;
         And to the LORD I made supplication:
 ⁹ “What profit is there in my blood,
         When I go down to the pit?
         Will the dust praise You?
         Will it declare Your truth?
 ¹⁰ Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
         LORD, be my helper!”
        
 ¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
         You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
 ¹² To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
         O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever. (Psalm 30, New King James Version)

Making Strides!

Today was the day! We joined about 20,000 other San Diegans this morning in a drizzly Balboa Park to walk to raise funds for the American Cancer Society.  It was a little overwhelming to be in a sea of pink. There were walkers there in all shapes and sizes. Pink wigs, pink tutus, bangles and beads.  Everyone there united in the same cause...to find a cure for breast cancer.

Isabelle and I at the starting line

Before the walk, we walked around and there was a table where you could fill out a sticker of who you were walking in honor of. Mom said to Isabelle, "Hey-lets go get a sticker in honor of your mom!" That kind of got me going and I started to cry a bit. I had been feeling emotions welling up a bit as we neared the park, but that did it. We hugged and they got their sticker. I saw another survivor walk by with a sticker that said "I'm walking in honor of MYSELF." I decided, why not? If it hadn't been for MY diagnosis, I wouldn't have been there. So I had Isabelle get a sticker for me too.

It got kind of frustrating before the walk because there were just SO MANY PEOPLE. You couldn't get from point A to point B because they were just milling around, or going in different directions. At least when we walked, everyone was moving in the same direction! I had several people come up to me and wish me well. A couple of them were survivors. One told me how "brave" I was to be out walking the event. Brave? I don't know about that one. What else would I be doing? In a way, its not so brave to be out there with 19,999 other people who are supporting you and hoping for a cure for the very disease you are fighting. It was kind of a big pep rally.

My nephew, Caleb and I

It was hard to see some of the signs with pictures of women who had lost their battle. Or shirts that referenced the walk being "in memory" of someone. I don't like to think about that fact. But it is true. Some women do not beat this disease. Thank God for the advances that have been made in treatment over the years. Thank God for the awareness that has been raised so more cases are caught early. I wish mine had been caught earlier. 3.5 centimeter tumor and 5 lymph nodes is not exactly "early." But it could be worse, I suppose. I want to be a survivor. I want to beat this. With God's help, I can. But it is all in His hands.

Maybe a little self-centered, but I'm walking in honor of ME!

They had a "Survivor" tent but I didn't really feel comfortable going over there. I really do feel like I am going to beat this and be a survivor. I read in Kris Carr's book, "Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips" that the minute you are diagnosed you should think of yourself as "a Survivor." But somehow, I don't really feel like I have earned that title yet. I'm a warrior, a fighter. I WILL be a survivor.

After the walk, we hung out for a little while, but the rain started coming down harder. I had brought a couple of umbrellas, but left them in the car earlier. So much for that. We had a nice lunch at the Claim Jumper where mom, dad and I celebrated with a Mimosa!

It was a great event, and I am very glad to have participated. A big huge thank you to all who financially supported my walk. I was the second biggest fundraiser on Team Cymer. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

My support group!
Isabelle, Mom, Laura, Dad, Caleb, and me

Starting line

One more day!

Isabelle & I yesterday living life to its fullest! Singing songs with the girl scouts in the rain!

One more day until my first "cancer walk."  I'm going to do a 5k with the American Cancer Society (ACS) in their "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" event in San Diego.  Yeah, 5k isn't a huge deal.  Heck, I could probably run most of it if I wanted to.  But the event is to raise awareness as well as funds for the disease and to help an organization that has already helped me out a great deal.

When I was first diagnosed, my doctor gave me a registration form for the ACS.  They sent me an organizational tool for all of my records.  It was a expandable pocket with different tabs under subject headings (lab reports, insurance information, etc).  Those who know me know I am at a loss if my papers aren't organized, so this was a great tool for me.  I merged it into a system that I had started on my own and its great.  I can find pretty much any piece of paper related to my situation in seconds.

ACS provided me with a free wig and one of my favorite hats.

ACS sent me to a program called "Look Good, Feel Better."   I have an entire post dedicated to it from June. But in short, it was a seminar where they gave us a big bag of free name-brand cosmetics and lotions. We went through a little makeup session where they taught us things like how to draw on your eyebrows after they are gone.  They also gave us tips on what to cover our bald heads with.  I'm using these tips daily.

ACS sent me several small pillows that I used after my surgery to cushion my chest while sleeping and driving.

ACS also has paired me with a "mentor" who is a breast cancer survivor.  She gave me tips before my surgery and chemo.  It is helpful to talk to someone who has walked this road before. I'll be talking to another mentor as I get ready for radiation treatment.

There are lots of other services ACS offers that they would give me if I asked.  If I needed transportation to my treatments, they could arrange it.  There are numerous classes and support groups that they host as well.

ACS uses a large portion of its funding for breast cancer. I'm grateful for the progress that has been made in treating this disease in the past decade.  Of course, there are other great organizations that fund research and treatment for breast cancer.  The Komen foundation comes to mind.  (I'm planning on doing the 3 day next year).  But for now, I'm happy to do this 5k tomorrow to give back to an organization that already has given me a great deal.

If you have a little bit of extra cash, even $5, I would be very grateful if you would click on this link to donate to a very worthy cause.

Blessings to you all!

No regrets

I have this amazing gift of flexibility now that I did not have before.  I can choose to have hair.  And not just "hair" but hair that looks salon-perfect. Or I can choose to wear a scarf on my head. Or a hat. Or a cut up T-shirt made to look like a turban.  Do I have a headpiece to match this outfit?  If not, I can just put my hair on in seconds.  I just have to glance in the mirror to make sure it is on straight.

Even better is that I can choose to have breasts or not.  Let me tell you, it is very nice not to have them when I am exercising!  (Or when I step on the scale for my weekly weigh-in!)  Do I feel like wearing a bra today?  It has been very easy getting used to the feeling of freedom that going bra-less provides.  It never bothered me before to wear one-it was just one of those things that you get used to as a woman.  But a few months without having to wear one makes a big difference.  I pointed out to my friends this week that I wasn't wearing my "boobs" that day before our power walk.  It was the first time they said they noticed I was flat. Maybe they were just being nice.  But people don't seem to notice the ironing board look that I sport most days. It could be that the hair/no hair/hat/scarf thing gets the most attention.

In any event, I am enjoying having choices in how I look.

As I thought about it, I realized that it gives me another reason I have no regrets about choosing a bilateral mastectomy rather than a single.  Then my choice would be "lopsided or not?"  I would feel uncomfortable going without a bra, so I would end up wearing the prosthetic most of the time. I know others have made different choices and that is fine.  We all have to live with our decisions and I'm DEFINITELY not knocking a woman who made a different one than me.  I'm just saying that I'm happy with my own personal choice.

Speaking of living with the consequences of mastectomy, there is an amazing exhibition in New York this year called The Scar Project. Its a series of large scale photographs of young women who have had the surgery. Some are in various phases of reconstruction. Some have had bilateral, others unilateral. There is even one woman who is pregnant after a bilateral mastectomy.  If I was in NYC, I would go in person.  But you can check it out online as well.    The website has this quote from the photographer:

"Although Jay began shooting The SCAR Project primarily as an awareness raising campaign he was not prepared for something much more immediate . . . and beautiful: “For these young women, having their portrait taken seems to represent their personal victory over this terrifying disease. It helps them reclaim their femininity, their sexuality, identity and power after having been robbed of such an important part of it. Through these simple pictures, they seem to gain some acceptance of what has happened to them and the strength to move forward with pride.”


It is brave for them to be photographed for public exhibition like this. I'm glad they did, so we call can see what this disease does to women.  Like the poster for the Exhibition says "Breast Cancer is Not a Pink Ribbon."  It's a good reminder this month of October.  It may be fun to sport pink ribbons and talk about mammograms during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  But it definitely leaves a path of physical destruction in its wake.  Thank God that treatment has increased survival rates.  The scars will be there forever, though. Yes, breast cancer is not a pink ribbon. (I still will put one on my car, though!)

I don't know if I could pose like that, even for my own personal use.  I have thought of taking pictures at various stages of recovery, just to document.  But I haven't done it yet.  My scars still look like Frankenstein. It reminds me of being at ICAN conferences where women would photograph their cesarean scars. I never did.  I never wanted to.  I still don't like to touch that darn scar, even though I've come so far and grown so much since that day in 1999.  It is similar, but not exactly the same with my mastectomy scars. I can touch them-I massage Vitamin E oil into them daily.  It is an interesting thing for me to ponder, and I don't have answers right now.  Both scars deal directly with my femininity and womanhood. I didn't plan to write this-it just came out as I was typing.  Maybe I will blog more about it later when I have some answers.  Right now, the more I think about it, the more questions I ask myself.